This chapter is dedicated to all those who gave reviews and all those that are stuck on Final Fantasy 7 like I am.

CHAPTER 5: ENVY'S GAME

Be warned friends! For I the narrator of this strange and downright insane tale of Homunculi and demons, am about to tell one of the most abominable stories yet!

Wrath: Well don't just talk about it do it!

Shut up! Im trying to add drama and go down in history as one of the most famous narrators of all time. That's how that twilight zone guy did it! Anyway this story is so...

Lust: Gluttony do everyone a favor and eat this tard.

Gluttony: Yay Retard! They go especially well with ketchup on their feet!

Wait you cant eat me who will tell the story!

Me: Yeah Bob Im sorry but Im just going to have to let you go. People hate you and we found someone else think of this as a new opportunity.

You asshole! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Gluttony: Burp!

Me: Make me proud Joe.

Uh... sure right. Anyway it all started one week before Scar and Sesshomeru had their standoff.

Envy was at Gamestop trying to find a new video game since he had beaten Super Mario about 20 times and his roommates were getting sick of the music.

Envy: Man all these new games suck! Especially the one about Elric! Oh wait here's one that has an interesting cover!

On the cover was a picture of Samus Aran from metroid but the words said Super Hoenhiem Sunshine.

Envy: What?

Then the cover slipped off revealing a picture of Hoenhiem fighting of all things a carrot.

Envy: Even he has a game! What has this world come too! Crap other than that there are no good new games out.

Then Obiwan Kenobi (old version) appeared behind Envy.

Obiwan: perhaps no new games but have you tried the old?

Envy: Oh you're that hippie who's always outside our house with that sign that says Alchemy is the Force right?

Obiwan: Im not crazy! The old is sometimes as good as the new young padawan learner.

Envy: Young what now?

Obiwan: Errrr never mind. Try that game.

Obiwan then pointed to a copy of FF7 that was bathed in a glow from the heavens.

Envy: Ok, hippies cant lie right.

Obiwan: Use the force, Use the Force.

Then Obiwan disappeared never to return to this fic.

And so Envy bought his copy and played it. And played it. And played it some more.

1 month later

Lust: He's been playing that thing for a month straight without stopping.

Envy: Damn it yuffie Im tired of having to bring you back! one more time and ill let you die!

Wrath: Mommy has Envy lost it?

Sloth: Honey he never had it.

Lust: Im getting tired of this. How will I ever get to watch my soaps if Envy keeps hogging the TV?

Kagura: Yeah, how will we ever find out if Ricardo marries Janet or her evil twin Janice?

Lust: Janice of course.

Kagura: No way its gotta be Janet.

Lust: Janice!

Kagura: Janet!

Lust: You little tramp!

Lust then attacked Kagura and they started fighting one another and lets just say there were no rules.

Greed: OOOOO! Catfight. (Starts to watch)

Sloth: So Pride you're the boss when Dante's not here. Why don't you tell Envy to stop playing?

Pride: Sure Ill tell him he needs to stop.

Pride then just stood there.

Sloth: When?

Pride: Ill tell him he needs to stop EVENTUALLY!

Kohaku: Your afraid of Envy aren't you Pride?

Pride: Um..I have to do something right now.

Pride then walked away to do something.

Sloth: Alright then Ill go do it.

Five minutes later Sloth returned from the living room.

Naraku: Well did you tell him?

Sloth: Well I told him to stop playing but...

Naraku: But what?

Sloth: I just didn't have the heart to do it. He looked so sad especially after he started to cry and said that that game was his only friend in the world.

Naraku: Ok anybody else?

Wrath: Don't look at me. I hate Envy. I hope he does rot away in front of that screen.

Kanna: Even Im not that crazy.

Gluttony: Envy scary!

Kohaku: I don't think I could stand seeing his pathetic look.

Naraku: Ok Kagura and Lust are still catfighting so that leaves Greed. Greed!

Greed: ...

Naraku: Greed! Snap out of it!

Greed: Shut up! Cant you see im trying to watch...

Everybody then glared at Greed.

Greed: I mean sure ill stop Envy. It will make me happy to destroy something that gives him such joy.

10 minutes later Greed returned with an expression of shock on his face.

Sloth: Well?

Greed: I went in there turned off his game and was about to smash his disc. Then he started crying but then when it didnt work... (shivers)

Naraku: What?

Greed: He turned himself into Michael Jackson.

Everyone: Gasp!

Greed: I wasnt able to smash it. Please excuse me while I have a nervous breakdown.

Greed then left the house to either have his nervous breakdown or simply wash the image away with alchohol.

Naraku: That does it Envys gone too far.we have to do the extreme now!

Wrath: What?

Naraku: There are only two people I know who are bitchy enough to destroy that game no matter what Envy does. One of them is Dante.

Kanna: And the other?

Naraku: Kikyo!

Kagura: (by now they stopped their catfight) You realize that once she does it Envy will murder her?

Naraku: I know Thats the good part. Now go get her!

And so Kagura went to fetch Kikyo from Feudal Japan and brought her to Dante's house.

Kikyo: Nice place Naraku. Let me guess your mothers?

Naraku: No my ex girlfriend's

Kikyo: Whatever you say. Of course if I do this there will be a price.

Lust: Wow she is as bitchy as Dante.

Kikyo: I heard that. Anyway my terms are one you will give me 3 million dollars, two you will let me live in his house, and three one of your vassals willbe mymagic mirror and tell me that I am prettier than Kagome.

Naraku: Yes to two. Hell no to the others.

Kikyo: Fine ill have a little chat with Envy.

So Kikyo walked in to find Envy playing his game with a crazy look in his eye.

Kikyo: Are you Envy?

Envy: Who's Envy my name is Cloud. (Transforms into Cloud)

Kikyo: Right well then time to smash the game.

Envy: WHAT!

Kikyo then started to do an Irish jig on top of Envy's playstation 2 completely destroying it.

What happend next? Well in Amestris they say, Envy became 3 times more insane that day.

Envy: YOU YOU...

Kikyo: See how little I care about your petty little possessions? And what are you going to do about it? Kill me? Im already dead.

Envy: I don't have to kill you all I have to do is insult you!

Kikyo: What?

Envy: Well bitch Naraku told us all about you. Like how your afraid of people calling you ugly.

Kikyo: I am not ugly Im way more beautiful than that Kagome.

Envy: Uhuh Ugly. And how your afraid that your boyfriend will choose Kagome. Well guess what? He will.

Kikyo: Lies! Lies!

Envy: He will because she is way nicer and SHE DOESNT WANT TO SEND HIM TO HELL!

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST! HOW IF I SPILL WATER ON YOU YOU WILL MELT!

Kikyo: Wait what was that last one?

Envy: Die Witch!

Envy then poured a bucket of water that had magically appeared on Kikyo

Kikyo: No! Im melting! What a world! what a world!

Envy: And that is how you play the game bitch! (Spits on melted Kikyo)

Naraku: Well this is a great day, Envy's game is destroyed and Kikyo's been melted. LET'S SING EVERYBODY!

Everybody: Ding dong Kikyo's dead!

And so everybody danced and sang merrily for a whole hour.

To be continued...

Want more Kikyo bashing? Include it in your reviews. Next time: Naraku babysits Wrath

I own nothing but Bob and Joe the narrators.