Song: Train Wreck - James Arthur

When I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by white. A blinding white, like sunlight reflecting off a sheet of paper, or anything else white. I sat up. My leg was better, and my shoulder didn't hurt either. I was in casual clothes, not my hero gear, cargo pants and a black shirt and everything was eerily silent. There were no structures or objects around me, and the white seemed to go on forever. I let out a long sigh. I was exhausted mentally with the knowledge of my failure to save Deku. As though the thought of him was enough, I saw a flicker of movement to the side and I turned my head to look at it just in time to glimpse green hair, before it disappeared behind a sheet of white. Even though there were no structures around me, it was as though I had glimpsed him through a doorway, only for a second.

I shot to my feet as quickly as I could and ran to where I had last seen him. I reached the 'doorway' he had vanished behind, reaching out a hand to find something solid before me. I swung around the white corner and into a hallway of my old middle school. No one was in sight, but I could here the murmur of students chatting behind the classroom walls. Feeling a little disorientated from the sudden change I slowed to a hasty walk. I reached an intersection in the hall and glanced down into the branching hallway and saw Deku, now in our black middle school uniform walking down the hallway. I called out his name and ran after him, but he didn't hear me. He didn't turn back to face me till I reached out and grabbed his shoulder. At my touch, he spun around and looked up at me. In that time, I had only blinked, but now the Deku before me was small, kindergarten age, staring up at me with wide green eyes and clutching his little blue shorts and yellow shirt as he stood on a grassy knoll.

"Kacchan?" he called up to me with a confused squeaky voice. My hand was still on his tiny shoulder, and I dropped it now. This dream was throwing me for a loop. I just felt teased. I felt my knees grow weak and I fell to them in front of Deku, almost at eye level with him now, but I couldn't face him. I looked down at the ground, tears falling from my cheeks as I was overwhelmed with emotion. Emotions I had been pushing down for years. It had been a long time since I had cried so hard.
"Kacchan, why are you crying?" squeaked Deku. Was I scaring him? He was so small and fragile looking I just wanted to crush him in my arms.

"Because" I chocked on a sob, "I let you down" I brought my forearm to my face to try to wipe the tears away, but they just kept coming.
"I was supposed to save you! But I couldn't even do that and now you're gone" I felt my body quiver from the crying.

"It's not your fault" came Deku's voice, older and more familiar and I felt a hand touch the top of my head. I gazed up, not at the young child Deku anymore, but teenage Deku, the same Deku I had seen this morning smiling at our classmates in his green hero gear. He was gazing down at me with soft green eyes that seemed full of many emotions. He smiled at me, not enough to show teeth, but enough to convey his warmth.

"I was already dead. There was nothing you could do" his smile grew enough to light up his eyes, but there was still sadness there. As I slowly stood up to face him, his hand fell away. I stared back at him, not knowing what to say. I felt pulled in too many directions emotionally. Though I wasn't sobbing anymore, tears still beaded down my cheeks. Before I could think of anything to say I felt a hand touch my own and looked down. Deku hadn't touched me, something unseen was there, a hand on mine. Deku's gaze had followed my own and our eyes met again when I looked back up.
"Tell All Might for me," he began, his smile was still warm, but his eyes began to look sadder, "tell him that I'm sorry I didn't get to grow to be the hero he thought I would" the warmth flooded back into his eyes as he continued, "but I know you will be the best hero Kacchan" I could feel myself being pulled away gently. The world around me was fading back to that blinding white, the windswept grass hill and distant trees and water fading away till it was just Deku and I.

I looked at him, having so many things to say, but the words were lost to me. He tilted his head to the side slightly and beamed to me, big enough for his eyes to close as he too began to fade away. I reached out for him and called to him to stay, to not leave me, but he continued to fade into the whiteness. New sounds started to come to me, the soft beeping of machines, the touch of a hand on mine became stronger till I opened my eyes weakly to the hospital room around me. It took my eyes a moment to adjust, and I felt the hand on mine squeeze lightly. I gazed to the side of the bed to see All Might, in his weakened everyday form sitting beside my bed.

"Young Bakugo" he spoke when he saw I was awake. His face was strained with concern and I felt a new wave of emotional pain ripple through me at the thought of telling him that Deku was gone, but surely, he already knew that, but that didn't stop it from hurting. Deku had been the successor he had chosen, and I had let him die. I felt dazed and a out of it. I didn't recall how I got here, but I remembered I was injured, though it didn't hurt now thanks to the power of drugs. I think All Might had started speaking, but I already didn't remember what he had said. I opened my mouth to speak and he closed his to listen.

"Deku," I started, and my throat was hoarse, "he said he's sorry" I croaked and I saw All Might's face tighten, "he said he's sorry he didn't get to grow to be the hero you thought he would" my body felt heavy and sluggish and I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I recalled Deku's face in my dream. He had looked both happy and sad, with so many other emotions mixed in. I felt All Might's grip tighten on the back of my hand. It didn't hurt, but I could feel him shaking and he looked away to hide his face. Deku had meant a lot to him. Sometimes it felt more like a father and son relationship than a teacher and student, so I knew that he was hurting. After a long moment, his shaking stopped, he took a deep breath and looked back to me. To his credit, he wasn't crying. I wish my body were that strong. I knew crying was normal in this situation but crying always made me feel weak. Even now, I couldn't change that feeling despite how justified my tears were.

"I am glad you are alive" he spoke evenly, "if I had lost you both" he trailed off, not wanting to finish that sentence. He didn't ask me anything or say anymore and eventually with the silence and the drugs I dozed off. When I woke next, still groggy, Mr. Aizawa was in the room, standing at the end of the bed and talking quietly with All Might who still sat beside it. I didn't know how much time had passed, but my sleep had been dreamless. I shifted myself slightly and both of the teachers turned to me. All Might still looked worried while Mr. Aizawa looked dark and gloomier than usual. His gaze gave me a new sense of guilt. I felt judged for my failure. I felt I needed to say something to him, but I couldn't think of what to say. He seemed to notice my struggle and spoke up himself.

"I hope you're not beating yourself up over this" he glared at me, "you should know you aren't to blame for any of this" he finished with a sigh. Despite his words I felt the grief and guilt inside me like a raging storm and his words did nothing to ease it. As far as I was concerned, I was responsible, if not entirely, for Deku's death.

"If I had been faster-" I began , my voice a little less hoarse than before, but Mr. Aizawa shut me up with an angry glare. He wasn't going to take any back talk today.

"I told you already it was not your fault" he raised him voice and All Might raised a finger in his direction to remind him to keep it down, he sighed again before continuing in a calmer voice.
"The villain that got Deku had a venom quirk. She had attacked others in the past and they all died because of her bite. Midoriya was a dead man the moment he was bitten. Her venom-"

"Shouta" hissed All Might in warning and the gloomy teacher shot his college a glare.

"He should know" glared back Mr. Aizawa

"Know what?" I narrowed my eyes. The teachers stared at each other in silence for a long moment before All Might turned his gaze to the floor and Mr. Aizawa sighed before continuing.

"The villain's venom quirk causes cell decay. Organs start to break down and the victim dies within six to twelve hours from blood loss and organ failure. Even if he had been brought to the hospital right after he had been bitten, he still would have died" All Might looked uncomfortably down at the floor.

"Shouta, he didn't need to know such details" spoke up All Might with an edge of anger to his voice, raising his gaze again.

"It's better he knows all the gruesome details rather than go on blaming himself" retorted Mr. Aizawa with a pointed stare back at All Might. He had nothing to reply with.

I looked down at the white sheets, my bed slightly raised on an angle, so I hadn't needed to sit up to see anyone clearly. Images flashed back to my mind. The fever, the coughing, panting, the bleeding nose, the blood shot eyes, the dark chunks in the blood he spat up, how he struggled to breath, the blood he coughed up. How blood had come up his throat with each chest compression.

The sheets balled up in my fists. As much as I hated to admit it, Mr. Aizawa's words eased the storm inside me more than I had expected it too, but a new rage replaced it.

"The bitch?" I asked, referring to the villain with the venomous bite.

"Dead" replied Mr. Aizawa flatly, his hands moving to his pockets and his gaze fell back to me, "Midoriya took her out," now this was news to me, Deku would never kill anyone, "apparently he took her on without knowing her quirk and during their fight the floor caved in and she was buried in the rubble. The path back up was blocked so Midoriya had to find a new way out and that's when he ran into you three" continued Mr. Aizawa, referring to Dunce Face and Shitty Hair. Deku had already been in bad shape by then.

"The others?" I asked with a rasp.

"They stumbled into a fight and were found by Ponytail and a few others. They made it out together only about an hour after you did"

"That bitch got what she deserved" I hissed to myself. The rage inside me died back a bit, knowing that Deku, even if not intentionally, had taken gotten his own revenge. I was oddly proud at him for that. Mr. Aizawa had nothing more to say about it and dismissed himself from the room. All Might excused himself from the room shortly after and after a meal was brought to me, though I had little appetite for it, and my parents visited, I dozed back off to sleep.

The detective, All Might's friend – Tsukauchi - arrived a few hours later and waited till I woke up to ask some questions about the incident and any other encounters with villains I may have had. I told him what I could, and from him I learnt that the villain that had injured me had died. Deku, in his fevered state, hadn't held back and had unintentionally killed the villain in the tunnel. I didn't know how to feel about that one. I had felt a sense of pride when I heard about the venom bitche's death after the suffering and death she had caused to, from what I had heard, many people, but the other villain hadn't killed anyone from what Tsukauchi had told me about him. I couldn't believe that Deku would kill someone, but the thought did cross my mind that, what if, he had understood the pinch we had been in. I shook myself. That wasn't Deku. Even Tsukauchi had put it down to an accident from his poor state. In fact, if Deku had lived, I wondered how he would have dealt with learning that he had ended two peoples' lives.

After a visit from Recovery Girl, who I was glad didn't offer me any condolences for Deku, I was free to go back to school the next day. I arrived back at U.A during the afternoon while classes were still on. Mr. Aizawa met me at our dorm and let me know that I didn't have to worry about classes today or tomorrow and that if I still didn't feel up for it after that, to just let him know. I nodded my thanks and headed in alone. It was a weird feeling coming in and having the entire place empty. I had a shower while it was peaceful, forced myself to eat something and then retreated to my room before anyone got back. I wasn't looking forward to seeing everyone. I didn't want to deal with the sad faces, the sad words and the questions. For one reason or another the teachers had kept anyone from the class from visiting and I was glad they had, it was just exhausting to deal with.

At the hospital, All Might hadn't said much about it though I could tell he was upset, Mr. Aizawa was the same as normal or at least he acted it, Tsukauchi had apologized more than once, my parents had been sappy and Recovery Girl hadn't said anything about it, but her concern and sadness was written all over he face while she was with me. Their expressions alone had been enough to make me want to leave the room and now I would have to deal with that ten times over. I didn't want anyone's damn sympathy or their apologies. Despite Mr. Aizawa's words, I still felt guilt.

All Might had briefly mentioned a funeral being planned and that the whole class as well as other students would be allowed to attend. I didn't want to deal with that either, but my mum had already told me we were going. I hadn't had the energy to argue with her about it and I knew this wasn't an argument I would win either. She would drag me there by my ear if she had too. When Deku and I had been close as kids, our mums had too. There was no way my mum would not show up to support Deku's mum.

When I reached my room and shut the door behind me, I had planned to head straight for the bed, but I froze. My desk chair had been pulled away to sit closer to the bed and on the chair sat Deku's red shoes that Kirishima had promised to hold on for me…. for Deku. I'm glad no one was around to hear me as I broke down all over again and trashed my room at the sight of those damn shoes.

I had planned to sleep, but after I stopped crying over the shoes, I didn't have the energy to lay on the bed and rest, as stupid as that sounded. During my pathetic cry fest, I had slumped down on the ground beside the bed and leaned back against it. I just didn't have the energy to move from that spot. I heard the school bell chime for the last time for the day and shortly after I could here noises of people returning to the dorm. The noises were faint but sounded so normal. I heard a soft knock on my door and Shitty Hair called out my name softly. I didn't reply and I was glad he didn't let himself in.

"Hey man," he called through the door gently, "I'll come back to let you know when dinner is ready. You better make sure to eat something. I'll come in a wake you up if I have to" he said, and I could almost here the friendly smile in his voice. He was a good friend, though I'd never say it to his face. He didn't need me to tell him what he already knew. I appreciated him more for leaving me alone a little longer.

I lost track of time while staring vacantly at the wall opposite my bed when I heard a knock at my door again, this one louder than the last.
"Yo man, you awake?" called Shitty Hair loudly, "dinners ready" I took a moment to take a deep breath to calm myself for what I knew was to come. A very awkward dinner with my stupid classmates.

"Yeah, I'm coming" I called after the red head knocked again. I got to my feet with regret and slipped on our dorm slippers and shuffled to the door. Not daring to look back at those worn red shoes. If they had eyes, they would have been staring a hole into my back. I opened it with a glare and Shitty Hair smiled back at me.

"Good to see you up and about" he beamed with his pointed teeth as I shut the door behind me, and we headed for the elevator.
"I heard you got injured pretty bad down there. We ran into some villains too and man were they tough or what. It was hard in the dark" he went on, filling the silence as we headed down. I appreciated that about him too. I knew he was sad like the rest would be, maybe even more so, he was the type to blame himself for things too, but he did his best to cover it up and he was good at it. I wondered if Mr. Aizawa gave him the same horrible details too. I wondered many things as we made it to the ground floor. I wondered if any of my classmates blamed me. If they hated me more than they already did. If they would stare at me with contempt or pity, but when we came out to the dining area where everyone sat in groups at the tables, they were casually chatting to one another and most of them either didn't notice or ignored me. Now I didn't know whether to be grateful for that or not. I followed Spikey Hair to our usual table with Tape Arms and Dunce Face already there on one side.

"Bakugo!" called Iida as he stood up from his seat and gestured towards me, "good to see you recovered from the hospital" he called, and a few others turned their heads my way and smiled and commented on my recovery. No one mentioned Deku. If anyone was frowning or sad, they didn't look my way. It was a little unnerving. As we sat, food already at the table for us, Spark Plug spoke up with a smile.

"Don't worry" he beamed at me, "Kiri already told them all to not be all mopey around you"

"Denki" hissed Shitty Hair beside me. He had wanted to keep it a secret.

"What he means," spoke up Tape Arms, rolling his eyes at the blonde idiot, "is that Kirishima told them that you would be feeling bad enough without them all being sad around you"

"You know man," added in Kirishima beside me awkwardly, I looked to him, but he looked down at his food, "I just knew that them feeling sad for you would only make you feel worse" I could feel the tension around me from them. They thought they were doing me a favor. They had been right though. Dealing with everyone pitying me and giving me sad glances would have made me shitty, but this, this felt wrong too.

"No, I appreciate it" I said calmly with a frown, although I still wasn't sure if I did and took a mouthful of rice. Shitty Hair perked up beside me, looking pleasantly surprised. It was an odd feeling in the room that night. I felt like everyone was tiptoeing around me, but I did my best to keep myself calm and not snap at anyone too much, unavoidable with this lot of idiots, if not for Kirishima, the feeling could have been much worse with everyone not knowing how to behave around me.

By seven-thirty I was back in my room as normal. Despite what Mr. Aizawa said, I planned to attend classes tomorrow as usual. No use for me to sit around in this empty place all day alone with my thoughts and those damn red shoes that were still perched on my desk chair and practically staring me down when I came in. I was sick of feeling so pathetic, so I picked up the shoes and shoved them in the bottom of my closest and shut the door on them. I felt like I could breathe easier with them tucked away out of view. I put the chair back in its place and got ready for bed, those red shoes and Deku still on my mind as I fell asleep.