It was almost depressing to wake up when my alarm went off in the morning. Everything felt drab and cold. I sat up slowly and I almost wanted to just lay back and return to my dreams. I felt tired enough to do it too. My dream with Deku had seemed so bright and warm in comparison. I pushed myself to get up and go through the normal morning routine before classes. By the time I was downstairs for breakfast a good portion of my classmates were there already, and I avoided them. I could almost feel the daggers from their eyes in my back. Usually I would have been up before most of them, but this morning I had wasted a lot of time in bed just staring up at the ceiling wondering if my dream really had been real or not after all. Dunce Face joined me in the kitchen while smiled at me.
"Hey man," he began to tell me something that he found interesting that I knew I wouldn't, before he got any further, I was already glaring at him and his smile wavered, "woah man, did you even sleep last night? You look tired as hell"
"Leave him alone" yawned Tape Arms as he opened the fridge to find something. There was some back and forth between them, but I tuned them out and walked away when they weren't looking.
Classes went on as normal. Deku's seat remained empty and untouched. At one point, when everyone's head was down being busy, I glanced back over my shoulder, just to confirm to myself that he wasn't there. It felt like part of me was missing. Where there had been a constant buzzing in my head that was Deku's life, now there was silence and it left me feeling hollow and it was hard to focus. After lunch we had practical training, but after changing I had no motivation to participate and while everyone else stepped forward, I looked at my feet. I felt like they were stuck in wet cement and I couldn't bring myself to make them move. Mr. Aizawa walked to me and told me not to push myself, that it was alright to take time off. I just nodded to him and made my way to the side of the gymnasium, slumping down against the wall. No one else approached me, they left me alone. But I could fell their glances my way. The whispers between them. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I left early. Mr. Aizawa let me go with a nod and I looked away.
When I returned to our dorm room early, having changed back into our everyday uniform, I found it wasn't empty. All Might was there with Deku's mum. They were together in the foyer entrance with boxes pilled by the wall. She had come to clear out his room. Her back was too me as I entered, but All Might saw me come in over her head and she turned to follow his gaze. I could see she had been crying and when she saw me, she let out a gasp and rushed to me. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close like she was my own mother, not that my mum was the type to hug. For a long second, I felt too numb to do anything, but I remembered how warm and caring she had been to me whenever I visited their house or stayed the night. Even after I had pushed Deku away, if she saw me in passing, she would always welcome me warmly and invite me over. I don't think Deku ever told her that we weren't friends anymore. I raised my own arms to hug her back and at my touch I heard her start to cry again, and we remained like that for a long while. It was uncomfortable, but it didn't feel right to push her away, despite how much I wanted too. All Might looking a little uncomfortable at first, but then he too grew peaceful about the situation and just let it happen. Finally, she pulled away and looked up at me. She smiled at me warmly, the warmth reaching her eyes just like it did Deku's. That thought pained me.
"I'm sorry for what you must have gone through," she said with a smile and a sniffle, "but I'm glad that it was you who was with him. I know he would have felt the same. Izuku always looked up to you" her smiled broadened and she stepped away. As if by silent word, All Might moved to pick up a backpack that had been Deku's and offered to walk her out.
"I have Deku's shoes and belt" I blurted out as they passed me and they both looked back at me, "his red shoes and the belt from his hero costume" I added, "I'll grab them for you" I turned to head to my room to grab them, but I hadn't even set off before she spoke up.
"No, that's alright" she said with a teary smile, "you can keep them dear" she gave me a nod for my kind thoughts and turned to leave. All Might's gaze lingered on me for a bit before he nodded to me too and left. I stayed frozen in the hallway for a while longer after they had gone. I felt a sense of relief that she hadn't wanted his shoes, but I didn't fully understand why yet. I had offered them too her out of kindness, but I was glad to keep them. The shoes would never fit me, Deku's feet being smaller than mine, but they were such a part of his identity that despite hiding them in my closest I felt comfort in knowing that they were there. The belt had originally been mine. I had worn it on our entrance exam, but after that when our hero costumes had been made, I didn't need it, but it seemed too good to throw away. Our first practical exercise in our costumes at school I had noticed how lame Deku's costume was when he changed into it and its lack of practicability. I threw the belt at him, yelling at him for his stupidity and had stormed out. I never really looked back at the memory and I didn't know how he took it, at the time he had flinched away from me, but he had worn it from there on out and it hadn't gone unnoticed that despite his costume changes and upgrades that he kept it on. He beat my ass for the first time that day too.
School ended. Everyone came back to the dorm and did their own things. We had dinner and I left to shower and to go to bed. I found it hard to spend time downstairs with the others. Despite their actions I felt like I was constantly being judged that they despised me, blamed me for Deku's death. I knew he was well liked in our class, he made friends so easily without trying that I had put it as another strike against him, that he was too easy and made an effort to get along with everyone even if they didn't deserve it. I was a prime example of that.
I was starting to feel restless. Downstairs was uncomfortable, every time someone looked my way I wanted to crawl away or blast them, but when I closed myself away in my bedroom, I felt cramped and trapped, so I stepped outside. I launched myself from my balcony so I wouldn't have to pass anyone else, stuffed my hands in my pockets and went for a long walk, well past my bedtime. The fresh air was cool and refreshing, yet I felt myself growing more frustrated too. I felt like my classmates hated me, in my head or not, I couldn't escape the feeling and throughout the day, if I weren't thinking about that, I was thinking about Deku. Not about his death and absence, but about how warm that dream had felt. How comforting it had been to talk to him again. I still wasn't ready to fully believe he was real and maybe it was just my minds way of coping, but I found myself checking the clock continuously throughout the day, wishing it to end so I could fall back to sleep and hopefully see Deku again. And part of me hated that. It felt stupid, counting down the hours till I could see some dead person again.
I was only getting frustrated, and I halted where I was and clenched my fists so tightly in my pockets that my arms quivered with the effort and I could smell the smoke rising from my pockets. With a faint sweetness, like caramel. That made me hesitate and I pulled my hands out, opening my palms and bringing them in close to smell. I was glad it was dark, and I was alone. What a weird sight that would be, but the sweet smell of my quirk made me think back to what Deku had said about him liking my scent because it reminded him of his dad's cooking, and I felt my eyes grow wet. I hated that too. But I realized then something that I had never stopped to think about before.
As kids, for a while, Deku had spent a lot of time at our house for the night. One time he even stayed two nights in a row. I hadn't realized it back then, but that was around the time his parents split up. They had been arguing a lot and Deku would come to ours to stay. Sometimes he would be crying when he was dropped off. I remembered one time when my mum answered the door and Deku was already crying. His mum was standing behind him and she had been struggling to hold back her own tears. Now that I was older, I guessed that every time Deku's parents had fought he had cried and so when they needed to discuss anything like that, Deku would come to ours so he wouldn't have to witness it. When he had first started staying over, he would stay on the futon on the floor in my bedroom, but eventually he had started to come into my bed to sleep. I hadn't minded back then, but in the mornings, he would always be close to me. He hadn't started coming into my bed till after his dad had left the picture. His dad used to bake deserts for him. I smelt sweet. He would sleep close to me because it was comforting to him. I was comforting to him. That realization almost broke me a little inside.
"Stupid Deku" I cursed through gritted teeth. I continued walking after a while and I found my own thoughts wondering how I would have felt if my parents had been fighting and split up when I was that age. Despite how I acted around my parents, I would have been upset. I would have cried and carried on. I wondered if the roles had been reversed if I would have stayed at Deku's a lot and if I would have found comfort in him too. Things I would never know. But one thing I did know now, was that Deku had been telling the truth. It really was him in my dreams, the real him, which also meant that what he said about One For All was true too, that I had inherited it from him. That thought made me pause too. That was another whole hurdle to add to my list of shit to deal with and I didn't feel ready for.
I had returned to my room, via the front door, well past my bedtime. The lower floor was vacant when I came in and I went upstairs to my room without seeing anyone up. It wasn't often that I was up past midnight, and the sight of the bed was welcoming. I fell onto it and was out before I even registered that I hadn't changed or gotten under the covers. I had been too mentally exhausted to bother.
When I dreamed, I saw Deku again. I had found myself sitting up on the grassy slope in the same clearing from before and at some point Deku had silently come to sit beside me, settling himself down on the grass too and closed his eyes to enjoy to sunshine and soft breeze. He didn't speak or do anything other than just sit beside me, but the silence was calming, and I could feel myself relax.
"You were telling the truth" I admitted out loud without looking to him, but from the corner of my eye I could see him look my way and smile.
"Of course I was. I wouldn't lie about it" he beamed, "glad you finally decided to trust me though" he went on, turning his gaze to the stream.
"Did you really pass on One For All to me?" I asked. I felt like I was breaking my own peace by asking questions now, but I needed answers. Deku replied with a mhm without looking away from the stream.
"Now what?" I asked. I didn't know what to feel as I asked. I didn't even feel lost. I just felt, tired.
"You become the number one hero" replied Deku, flashing a smile my way. When I didn't say or do anything in return, his smile faded and he looked a little concerned and I looked to him.
"You'll be the best hero," he went on, "you are already so good at it and now you'll be even stronger" he finished with a bright smile again and his eyes almost sparkled with wonder at the awesome hero he could see me being. I wanted to bite back at him, tell him that I didn't need his stupid quirk to become the number one hero, but I just didn't feel it in me to say it aloud.
"That's not what I meant, idiot" I grumbled back and turned away. I would be blinded if I had to look at his bright ass smile any longer.
"Oh," he leaned back in thought, "well you'd better speak to All Might about it tomorrow. He may know already, but you should tell him anyway" he said with more thought.
"How would he know?" I asked, looking back to him. At least he wasn't shining so brightly now.
"Since he held it once, he can sense these things sometimes, although, he did say once that I seemed to be more in touch with it than him, so he may not have" I could see from the way his brows came together that if I didn't change the subject he would start muttering to himself and I'd have to strangle him to shut him up.
"Fine. I'll talk to him about it tomorrow" I groaned back. It wasn't that he was a hard person to talk to, but I hadn't spoken to him since the hospital, and I didn't know if me inheriting One For All would make him feel hopeful again or just be a painful reminder of Deku's death. I didn't want to deal with it. Maybe I would wait till after the funeral on the weekend.
"No, you have to do it tomorrow" spoke up Deku, giving me an intent look, "it will give him hope and something to work towards" I could see his point. Then a new thought occurred to me.
"How did you know what I was thinking?" I glared at him, turning my body to face him. I let my posture display my annoyance and he sat straighter opposite me.
"Well, we are in your head" he tried to explain pathetically. I narrowed my eyes at him.
"So you can read my mind?" I asked pointedly.
"No, not always. Somethings just come through to me sometimes" I bared my teeth and he flustered on, "It's just flickers here and there. More like feelings or intentions more than words" he was starting to squirm under my gaze, and it was satisfying. I sat back, figuring that was as good as an explanation I was going to get, but he still seemed uncomfortable.
"Th-this is all new to me too" he added sulkily and gazed away. I let out a sigh to let him know he was off the hook, and he seemed to relax his shoulders a little more.
"So, is this going to be my life now?" I started, getting to my feet and dusting off my pants "are you going to be here every time I close my damn eyes?"
"Uh, no" replied Deku, glancing back at me as he followed me and stood, "I'm only here because you wanted me to be. I could go away just as easily" he finished and looked to me as though he expected me to tell him to piss off right then and there. Part of my worried at the thought that if I told him to leave, he wouldn't be able to come back.
"You look tired Kacchan" he commented and was suddenly in my face. I had been stuck in my own thoughts for a second and the next thing I knew he was centimeters from my face, squinting into my eyes like he was searching for something.
"Back off" I barked and pressed a hand to his face to push him away. He took a few steps back.
"Of course I am you idiot. A lot has happened" I barked on. He smiled to me a little bit with his usual warmth, and I felt my annoyance fade away.
"Maybe you should try to get some sleep" he suggested and if I had been holding anything in my hands, I would have thrown it at him.
"I already am asleep!" I barked again
"I know, but you're talking to me, so your mind is still working likes its awake right? Surely that will make you feel tired even if you are asleep" he tilted his head to the side a little like a dog and his brows inched closer in thought.
"Fine, what do you suggest then?" I grumbled back.
"Well, I could leave –"
"No" I cut him off with a straight face and he paused for a moment before thinking of something else.
"You could try sleeping here" he suggested seriously. I frowned at him, and he waved a hand shyly as if he could wave away my annoyance, "I mean, if you rest here it's like a deeper sleep. I'm not sure if you could sleep to begin with but if you can, then your body is rested out there and your mind in here. It's worth a shot"
"Fine" I replied after a long pause and laid myself down on the grass on my back with my hands behind my head and closed my eyes. Despite it being clear and sunny, I could block it out perfectly when I closed my eyes. I didn't hear Deku move and after a moment I opened my eyes to glare at him where he still stood a few feet away, looking around uncomfortably.
"Well," I spat, "are you just going to stand there and watch me or something, you creep?" he looked down to me flustered and seemed to make a move to leave multiple times before deciding not to and then in defeat, just dropped down to his knees on the spot looking lost.
"Either lie down or go away" I growled as I closed my eyes again. I didn't really want Deku to leave, and I was placing my money on him not wanting to leave either. Sometimes he seemed more confident here. Perhaps that was a side of him I just hadn't had a chance to see much outside of hero work, or maybe it's something he had gained in death, either way, I hoped he was feeling confident enough to not sulk away. After a little while longer I heard movement by me and opened an eye to see that Deku had chosen to lay down on the grass too, still the same distance away and laid there on his back with his hands resting on his stomach. He wasn't looking in my direction and he still looked a little lost, but I closed my eye again and tried his suggestion to sleep. I hadn't expected it to work, but within a few minutes of peace I drifted off.
I didn't dream within the dream, if that even makes sense, it had just been a peaceful blankness surrounding me and when I woke, I didn't wake up directly. When I opened my eyes, I was still on the grassy slope and the sun had dipped away to create a pleasant evening, or maybe it was dawn, the sky tinged with streaks of orange. It was warm with the same soft breeze and I could hear the distant chirps of night insects. This place really was just as I remembered from my childhood. I turned my head to the side to find that Deku wasn't there, and my eyes opened wider with a sense of panic that he was gone. I was about to shoot up and look around when I heard his voice by me.
"I'm here Kacchan" he spoke quietly, and I tilted my head back to find him sitting cross-legged by my head. He looked peaceful and smiled softly down at me. I wondered if he had spoken up because he had seen me looking to where he had been or if he had picked up on something in my mind again. A thought I wasn't pleased about. He spoke up again before I could ask.
"I felt your worry" his eyes looked sad as he explained it and I had my answer. I ignored him and sat up, my back to him.
"How long was I asleep?" I asked with a soft grumble to my voice from sleep. I felt well rested, but it was so pleasant here that I could sleep again if I wanted to.
"Well," started Deku and the way he dragged out the word made me turn back to face him, "what time does your alarm go off?" he asked, looking up to the sky as he pondered something.
"Six" I replied, narrowing my eyes at him. I think I knew what was coming.
"My guess would be a few hours after that then" he said back matter of fact like, bringing his eyes back down to look at me and he shot me a nervous smile.
"What!" I barked. Missing my alarm and my usual morning routine was one thing, but several hours meant that I was late to class.
"Well, your alarm started going off and you looked so peaceful so I covered your ears so you could sleep more" he replied, his nervous smile growing, and I could feel my anger growing with it.
"What?" I growled, rising to my feet slowly to hover over him, hands raised like claws. He seemed to shrink away below me.
"You were so tired, and Mr. Aizawa did say you could take some time off if you needed too" he spoke back without stammering, but his wide eyes showed me that he was unsure if he had made the right move, but my anger fizzled away as something else struck me.
"You heard that?" I asked, lowering my arms back to my sides and standing up straight again. Deku relaxed himself too now that I wasn't hanging over him threateningly.
"Huh," my question seemed to throw him off for a moment, "Oh yeah, I heard that part at least"
"Wait" I spat, "so not only can you know what I'm thinking at times, but you can hear things when I'm awake?" this felt like a total invasion of privacy, and I was not happy about it at all. I had been so glad to have Deku around that I hadn't stopped to think what that really meant for me.
"Only sometimes" Deku said back quietly. I had made him nervous again and he seemed to twitch under my stare, "I only get bits a pieces at times and it's not like I am trying to do it. It just happens" he spoke with more confidence as he tried to defend himself and rose to his own feet.
"Yeah, well, stop doing it" I sneered back.
"I'm not doing it" he retorted back loudly. He was determined now. I could see it in his eyes, and he dared to stare back at me. We stared at each other for a long time, neither one of us wanting to back down, but he glanced away, and I lifted my chin in triumph, but now I had to wake up.
"Oi," I said and Deku looked back my way, "thanks to you I'm late" I hissed and with just the thought of waking up, I did.