DISCLAIMER: Standard disclaimer applies. We don't own the Thunderbirds. Neither are we making any money off this endeavor.
Chapter 12 – ANGER
Alan sat on the beach and stared out over the water. He heard the swish of the sand as someone approached behind him. His instincts told him that it was Tin-Tin. "Go away Tin-Tin." He said.
"I'm worried about you Alan." Tin-Tin said in a quiet voice. "Are you OK?"
Alan looked at Tin-Tin like she had lost her mind. "Am I OK? AM…I…OK?" He said, his voice rising in anger. "How the hell, am I supposed to be OK? One of my brothers has been poisoned and the rest of my family acts like he's already dead. Why can't they realize that as long as he's alive that we have hope?"
Tin-Tin sat down next to Alan. "I'm sure that they just want to protect you. They don't want to give you false hope."
"I don't think it's 'false hope'." Alan argued. "I know that Brains will find an answer. He has to."
"And you don't think that your family thought that when all this started." Tin-Tin tried to explain reasonably. "They've had each of their hopes taken from them, one by one."
"And that's another thing." Alan said, his rant veering off in another direction. "Why did dad wait to call me? Why didn't Gordon and Brains come get me? I could've helped with the rescue. Hell, I've been asking dad to let me be home schooled so I could be here to help, but no, he says I have to go away to school. Then he has the audacity to wait to call me home. John only has between a day to a day and a half to live. Dad stole that extra time from me."
Tin-Tin looked Alan in the face and asked quietly. "Then why are you out here on the beach instead of spending what little time you have left with John?"
Alan jumped to his feet and stared at Tin-Tin with fire flashing in his eyes. "Shut up Tin-Tin. Just shut the hell up. You could never understand what I'm going through. It's not your brother who's dying." Alan spun on his heel and started running down the beach.
Tin-Tin watched as Alan moved away from her. A part of her wanted to go after him, but another part was so hurt by his words that she knew that she couldn't face him. As she stood up she brushed the tears from her eyes. Even though they weren't related by blood, she had lived with the Tracys long enough that she considered them just like family. She couldn't believe that Alan had spoken to her like that. She turned and headed into the jungle to clear her head.
Tin-Tin wandered through the jungle. Ever since the time that she, Alan and Fermat had to traverse the jungle when the Hood had tried to take over the Island and the Thunderbirds, her father had been bringing her to the jungle at least once a week. He taught her the dangers that she may face and how to possibly avoid them. He also taught her about the animal and plant life that grew in the jungle. Over the past year she had come to find peace and solace in the jungle. She drew in the serenity as she walked, listening to the animals as they burrowed through the lush underbrush, and to the birds flying among the trees. She inhaled the sweet aroma of the tropical flowers that dotted her path. She drank in the beauty that their colors blended together. She stopped to smell a beautiful purple orchid. Suddenly one of her father's botany lessons began to replay in her head. In that particular lesson he explained some of the medicinal values of orchids. An idea began to form in her mind. She knelt down and began to dig up the plant. She carried it back to the villa being careful not to damage the roots.
When Tin-Tin entered the lab, she found Brains buried in a pile of books. He was softly mumbling to himself.
"Brains, I think I have something." Tin-Tin said. She had to repeat it again to break into his concentration.
"Oh Tin-Tin" He said startled. "I didn't hear you c-c-c-enter. You th-th-believe that you have something? What?"
Tin-Tin began to explain to him the things that her father had taught her.
Brains looked thoughtful. "You may have a p-p-p-something. I'll need to…"
The inter-comm. broke into the conversation. "Brains I need you in the infirmary NOW." Jeff's voice boomed from the speaker. Tin-Tin and Brains could hear what sounded like a struggle going on in the background.
"Let me go!" John's voice demanded.
"John, stop this. It's only us." Scott commanded, but his voice held a twinge of fear.
"Ow…he bit me!" Gordon exclaimed.
"Dad we need your help." Scott called out.
Brains hit the inter-comm. Button. "I'm on my w-w-w-coming right now." He said. Turning back to Tin-Tin, he continued. "Could you h-h-h-get your father to come h-h-h-to the lab. I will need to sp-sp-talk to him. Maybe to-to-to-all of us can find a c-c-c-answer. I will be back as soon as p-p-p-as I can."
Tin-Tin nodded her head. "We'll be here."
An hour and twenty minutes after leaving Tin-Tin on the beach, Alan walked into the infirmary to find it in chaos.
Virgil was sitting on the second bio-bed with Gordon carefully probing a quickly darkening bruise around his left eye. "I can't believe he kneed me in the face." He said, wincing as Gordon continued examining his eye.
Gordon glanced over his shoulder. "John doesn't know what he is doing right now."
Alan followed Gordon's gaze to John's bed. John was struggling as if his life depended on it. "Let me go…FIRE…I have to get out of here…Why are you here? Do you want to die?" He said trying to force his way off the bed.
Scott was basically lying over John's legs, pinning them to the bed. Jeff was forcing John's shoulders against the bed. John bucked trying to dislodge his captors. Brains was trying to fit a restraint around John's flailing wrist.
"Are you sure this is really necessary?" Jeff demanded of Brains. "Couldn't you sedate him or something?"
Of course, it's n-n-n-required." Brains said. "A sedative on top of all the other dr-dr-dr-medications and the fever could be d-d-unwise."
"Just hurry up and do it." Scott grunted. "I don't know how much longer I can hold him."
Suddenly Gordon was at Brains' side. "Let me help you." He said as he held John's arm so that Brains could put the restraint on.
John screamed in outrage. "No, no,no. You have to let me go. Help! Anybody, help me!" Suddenly his fighting stopped. He stared at an empty space near the door. "Mom? Mom, is that you? Please, you have to help me. Mom? No, no don't go. Please Mom, help. I need you. Mom? Mom!" John began struggling again harder than ever.
Finally Brains had the restraints on and the three Tracys stepped back while Brains re-established the IV line that had been pulled out during the struggle.
Jeff ran a hand through his hair and let out a tired sigh. "How's Virgil?" He asked Gordon.
"Well, Brains should check him over just to be sure," Gordon explained. "But I didn't detect any broken bones, although he's going to have one beaut of a black eye." He gave his dad a sideways glance, and in a quiet voice, he asked. "What do you think about John calling for mom?"
"I think that he has entered the stage of delirium and hallucinations." Jeff answered.
"Yeah, but it would be nice to believe that she is here watching over us." Gordon replied.
Jeff laid a hand on Gordon's shoulder. "She is, Gordon. She is, but it's just not what John saw. That was a hallucination."
Jeff looked around the room. John continued to struggle against the restraints as he yelled and pleaded for help. Brains was examining Virgil's eye. Then Jeff's gaze landed on a stunned Alan, who was still standing just inside the door.
"Alan, how long have you been here?" Jeff asked.
Alan ignored his dad's question and asked one of his own. "What happened?"
Jeff gently put a hand on Alan's shoulder. "I'm sorry, but he's moved into the next phase of this 'illness'."
Alan tried to gulp back his emotions. "He was calling for mom. He talked like he could see her."
Jeff sighed. "I know son. Your brother's fever is very high and he has started to hallucinate."
"But I need to talk to him." Alan said.
"You can try, but I really don't think he will understand you. I'm sorry." Jeff replied.
Alan approached his brother's bed. John had stopped struggling for the time being. He had his eyes closed, but he was breathing heavily. Alan gently brushed a sweat-soaked lock of John's hair from his face. Alan quietly spoke to his brother. "John? Can you hear me? It's Alan."
John slowly opened his eyes. "Alan?" He asked with confusion.
"Yeah John, it's me." Alan replied, relieved that John seemed to recognize him. "I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about earlier. I was acting like a real jerk. I want you to know that I love you. It's important that you know that. I also want you to know that I'm not giving up and I won't let you either. As long as you're alive there is hope. You just have to remember that."
"Alan, what are you doing here?" John asked. "Did you come to help me?" He started to pull against the restraints again. "You have to untie me. We have to get out of here. It is so hot. He wants to break me, but I won't let him. We have to hurry. I don't know when he will come back. Come on Alan, help me."
Alan's spirit deflated. Obviously John did not comprehend what he had said. He sighed and continued in what he hoped was a soothing tone. "I can't do that John. You're sick. You need to stay here so that Brains can take care of you."
John struggled more. "No, I have to get out of here. Help me, please."
Alan tried to comfort his brother. He pushed back the hair that had fallen on to John's face. Quietly he spoke. "John, please, don't struggle. You're going to hurt yourself. Trust me. No one here wants to hurt you."
John stopped struggling for a moment. He turned a quiet angry stare on Alan. Alan could see the fire burning in John's eyes.
"No, don't touch me." John said in a low and menacing tone. "I don't believe you. It's a trick. You're not Alan. You're not my brother. My brother would help me." John began to struggle again. "Get out! Leave me alone! You can't trick me! I won't tell you anything! Let me go! Damn you!"
Alan stood in stunned silence. John continued to struggle. He continued to curse and berate his brother. Alan felt a hand grip his shoulder.
"Don't take it personally." His dad said. "He doesn't mean any of this. It's the delirium."
Alan looked at his dad. Jeff could see the confusion and pain written on his face. Jeff saw as that look fell away and was replaced by anger. Without a word to his father, Alan turned and left the infirmary.
Virgil also saw the look of anger on Alan's face as he walked by. "Alan?" He started to follow his brother, but his dad stopped him.
"Let him go.' Jeff said. "I'll go talk to him in a while. Right now, I think he needs some time alone to sort his feelings out." Virgil gave his dad a sharp nod. Jeff continued. "How are you, Virgil? How's the eye?"
"It's fine." Virgil said. "Brains checked it out. No permanent damage done."
"Good. That's good." Jeff said. Then he turned to address Scott and Gordon also. "I know that we've been taking four hour shifts sitting with John, but I think we should cut it down to two hour shifts. Now that he's delirious the emotional stress on us will increase. I don't want anyone feeling overwhelmed. If you feel the need to be relieved early, just call me. As important as it is to take care of John, it is just as important to take care of the rest of you too."
"I'll take the first shift Dad." Scott volunteered.
"Are you sure?" Jeff asked. "Because I can."
"Yeah, I'm sure." Scott replied. "You guys go and get some rest."
"OK, Scott." Jeff said. "I'll relieve you in two hours. Call if you need anything." With that Jeff, Virgil and Gordon left the infirmary.
When Alan left the infirmary, he was consumed by anger. He felt like he was going to explode. As he walked down the hallway, he ran into Fermat who was heading to his dad's lab.
"Alan, h-h-what's going on?" Fermat asked.
"I don't want to talk about it." Alan said as he stormed by.
Fermat could sense the intense anger in Alan. He didn't know or understand why Alan was so upset, but he knew it wasn't good. He knew from experience that when Alan got this upset he tended to do stupid things. Fermat debated about searching out one of the other Tracys to confide his concerns about Alan to, but he decided to give Alan a little time. If Alan didn't reappear shortly then he would talk to someone. Fermat headed into his dad's lab to see if there was anything that he could do.
Alan found himself in John's room. He wasn't sure how he got there. He didn't consciously plan on going to John's room, but that's where he ended up. He looked around the room, and his anger grew. He didn't understand his anger at John. It wasn't like John had planned this. John was the victim. Even though Alan's rational mind knew this, his emotions refused to grasp the reality of the situation. Standing in John's room, Alan's anger finally exploded. With one quick swipe of his arm, he knocked everything off of John's neatly organized desk.
"No," Alan screamed as he picked up a book off the bookshelf and threw it across the room. "You can't die. You can't leave me." Alan continued to throw books around the room. One book knocked a lamp off the bedside table which shattered as it hit the floor. He yelled and screamed unintelligibly as he threw the books. When he emptied the bookshelf, he moved around the room throwing anything that he could get his hands on. He circled the room until he was in front of a wall where John had hung various pictures of the family. Alan spotted one picture that was just him and John.
Alan remembered the day it was taken. He was twelve. He and Gordon had just returned from school for the summer break. Gordon was psyched. He was now sixteen and was going to begin his official training for International Rescue. It was all that Gordon and Scott talked about on the flight home. Alan had tried once to join the conversation, but Scott blew him off. He told Alan to wait until he grew up and to enjoy his childhood. By the time they had reached the Island, Alan was depressed and sulking about being the only one left out of International Rescue. John seemed to understand Alan's feelings without being told, so he invited Alan to go fishing with him. Alan was skeptical at first. He couldn't remember a time that just the two of them did something together, but he had gone and had a blast. He saw a side of his older brother that he didn't normally see. Alan had always thought of John as being so serious. Not only did he find that his older brother had a fun side, but he also found someone he could confide in. At first he was leery about talking to John about his feelings. He didn't want to endure the "you're still young, give yourself time to grow up" lecture. John, though, seemed to understand his feeling of being left out. He even seemed to understand when Alan talked about the increase of arguments with his dad. John assured him that they all had gone through it, that it was a perfectly normal part of growing up. John explained that Alan was trying to assert his independence and that their dad still viewed him as a child who needed to be told what to do. John assured him that things would eventually get better. Alan felt better for a while after their talk that day. He didn't feel so lonely.
Alan's gaze drew back to the picture. The picture was of the two of them holding a sailfish that Alan had caught. It was the first time that Alan had caught a sailfish. Granted it was a young sailfish, only about 4 feet long weighing around 45 pounds. They quickly snapped the picture and released the fish.
That was the first of many fishing trips they took that summer. Sometimes they would take the boat out and not fish but just talk. Alan never felt closer to John as he did that summer.
The anger in Alan began to rise again as he thought about how far he and John had drifted apart over the years since that summer. He had always figured that he would have time to get close to John again especially once he became a full fledged member of International Rescue. His chance would never come now. Alan realized that John was going to die without ever knowing how much he meant to him.
Alan's anger continued to build. He seemed angry at everyone. He was angry at the mad-man who poisoned his brother. He was angry at his dad for leading his brothers into a trap. He was angry at Scott and Virgil for not stopping Franklin. He was angry at Gordon for not bringing him home so that he could help with the rescue. He was angry at Brains for not finding a cure. He was angry at Fermat for realizing the reality of the situation at school while he was trying to convince himself that everything was all right. He was angry at Penny and Parker for making him face the truth. He was angry at Tin-Tin for trying to comfort him and failing. He was angry at Kyrano and Onaha for quietly trying to keep the household running while everything was falling apart. He was angry at John for dying, although he knew that it didn't make any sense. Most of all he was angry at himself. He knew that his anger was not rational, so he grew angry that he couldn't control his emotions. The more time went on the more frustrated and angry he became.
Alan looked at the picture again. The smiles on his and John's face pushed him over the edge. The anger in him exploded. Without even thinking, he clenched his fist and slammed it into the framed picture. His vision whited out for a moment. As it cleared, he saw his fist still in contact with the picture. The glass had shattered and cut his fist in various places. He stood, shocked at the sight of his own blood running down his hand. When he moved his hand, the picture fell from the wall. He turned and leaned against the wall, cradling his bleeding hand to his chest. He no longer felt angry. He no longer felt anything, including the pain he should be feeling in his hand. He was totally numb. He slowly slid down the wall. He sat on the floor staring unseeingly at his still bleeding hand. The broken and bloody picture sat on the floor next to him.
Author's note: Can you believe that Alan? He just can't handle this. Poor John, moved into another phase of the illness. How much more can this poor boy take? Was that really a glimmer of hope that we saw? Or are we just going to dash your hopes again? Keep reading and keep reviewing. Please.