Song: Carry You - Ruelle
Honestly, if I had to choose one song to encompass this entire fic, this one would be it! When I listen to this song I imagine everything that has happened to this point from Izuku's perspective, quietly dwelling inside Katsuki feeling all his grief and regrets and just wanting to be there for him, to support him and let him know that its okay and it's why he's always trying to stay smiling when he sees him in his dreams.
I didn't see Deku that night, or the next, or the one after that. I didn't seek him out though, not right away, as I had no direct need to talk to him other than to discuss One For All, but I figured that could wait at least a little while. I continued training with All Might every few days and I was improving quickly and getting more confident in the renewed strength of my own quirk. I had even participated in our practical classes and my concerns no longer slowed me down. I felt like I was starting to get back on my feet little by little, but the only thing that made me falter was Deku. I still felt guilt over many things, and I didn't know if that would ever go away, but after a week went by, I was beginning to worry that by somehow unlocking One For All, I was locking him away. I felt like he was missing from my life and I still had so much to say and do, I couldn't help but feel a pit of anxiety form inside me and slowly grow bigger each night that I didn't see him. Finally, when I was sleeping, I called for him again and again, but he never showed. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to will him here, but there was no sign of him. I felt like I had survived the worst of the grief of him dying due to having him with me in a different way, but now that I had lost that too, I was scared. I tried calling for him the next few nights too, with no luck. On the plus side, I had no bad dreams either, so I assumed that was his doing at least. Either that or I just didn't have it in me for them, which I doubted.
Finally, I figured whatever special connection I had with Deku through One For All had faded and I lay down in bed, heavy with silent grief. I was glad it was a Friday evening so I could just shut myself in my room for a while without it being a problem. I wondered if this heaviness was how everyone else had felt to begin with, maybe some of them still felt this bad, either way, I didn't envy them. A thought occurred to me and I pushed myself up and off the bed and opened the wardrobe door. I hadn't stopped to look at them since I had first put them in there and now they were hidden under some jackets I had left un-hung to cover them. I leaned down and pulled out Deku's old red shoes that he had loved so much. Even in my dreams, he still had them on. I couldn't put into words how they made me feel, but among the fresh wave of sadness they brought, they also gave me comfort and I sat back down on the bed with them. I felt numb. I had nothing to do with them. I wasn't going to be some idiot and talk to them like Deku could hear me through them and my feet were too big for them to be of any use to me, but yet, I couldn't bring myself to put them back down. Eventually as I let my thoughts roam, I laid down on my side on the bed, the shoes still in my hands and slowly, I fell asleep.
When I woke, it wasn't my usual dream and I wondered if I was in the middle of a nightmare. It felt that way. Everything was dark around me and I felt like I was caught in a strong wind, streaks of black clouds flowing around me. Something came in sight in front of me and part of the black cloud seemed to clear, and I could see a figure before me with their back to me. I tried to step forward but couldn't move. When I looked down, most of my body was missing, no legs or torso and when I tried to call out, I didn't have a mouth either. I had my hands and part of my forearms, but the rest of me was coated in black cloud. As the stream of clouds lifted away, I recognized Deku was the figure in front of me by several meters and he was facing a large black wall.
Arms came fourth out of the wall and held their hands open like an invitation to join them. The black wall rippled like liquid as the hands came through and through the ripples, I could make out several dark human shapes behind it. Deku stared back at the hands, I couldn't see his face, and he didn't reach out to them. Almost impatient, one of the hands stretched out until a woman followed it through the wall of black liquid and she stood before him, half in the wall, half out. She was tall and well-muscled with dark hair, pulled back and a beauty spot. Her face was warm and she spoke to him with a serious expression, but I couldn't hear her words. After she was done speaking, she lifted her gaze to look past him to me with a stern look and I had the strong sense that I wasn't supposed to be here. Deku followed her gaze and turned to see me, or what was part of me behind him. He looked shocked to see me and lost and confused, his green eyes growing wide.
The woman touched his shoulder lightly to bring his attention back to her. She said something else and then began to sink back into the wall, her hand outstretched again for him to take, her face almost pleading for him to take it as the wall swallowed her up, leaving only her arm for him to take. Deku slowly glanced back at me and his eyes cut through me. He looked like he was in pain, torn between two things and he turned away again, lifting a hand to take a the one before him, but hesitated before grabbing it. He dropped his head. I didn't understand what was happened, but I felt trapped where I stood and unable to do anything to help him with whatever the problem was. I felt like something important was happened here inside me and I was powerless to do anything about it.
Keeping his head down, Deku's hand slowly dropped back to his side and he turned on his heel back my way. He lifted his green eyes to face me, his expression looked scared, hurt, sad. With no words to ask his what was going on I raised my arms up like I was inviting him my way and broke into a run for me. I couldn't move and he threw himself at me, his body pressing against mine and forcing us both back and we fell backwards out of the black swirling clouds and I felt my back touch hard ground and the next thing I knew we were rolling down that same old grassy slope till we reached the bottom. Deku was on top of me, and he lifted himself up on all fours above me and his tears dripped down onto my cheek.
"Kacchan" he sobbed and then let his body drop so he was lying on top of me, and he clenched fists full of my shirt tightly and cried into my shirt. I was so confused by what ever was going on that I simply lay there like a stunned fish. When his crying grew quieter, I lifted a hand to poke his back and he shot to attention and got off me.
"S-sorry" he said urgently as I sat up. I wanted to ask him what everything I just saw was about, who was the woman, but right at that moment he seemed so fragile that I didn't want to press him. I had my own feelings to sort out too while it was quiet. I was glad to see Deku again, concerned about what just happened, worried that Deku might leave again, annoyed that he had left in the first place and ignored me when I had called for him, anxious that I would never feel healed and like my old self again and so much more all swirling around me at once. I wouldn't have been surprised if I had the expression of a stunned fish on me too.
"Uh, Kacchan?" he came a little closer, how tears stopping and his brows coming together with concern. I must have looked exactly like a stunned fish.
"What the hell was that all about?" I barked at him suddenly, snapping myself out of my daze and he flinched back. Now he was the one who was stunned.
"Where the fuck have you been?" I demanded and rose to my feet. Out of all my wild emotions, I let the lid off my anger and let it fuel my questions. When Deku still didn't reply I went on, "I've been trying to talk to you for days, where have you been? I did what you wanted, I told All Might, I've been working on trying to get a handle on One For All with him. That's what you fucking wanted wasn't it? And when I do, what, you just leave like I don't need you anymore, is that it?" the longer I went on and the louder my voice rose the more stunned Deku looked and part of it was satisfying to watch. He deserved to squirm after ignoring me for so long. As I spat out my last question to him, his face dropped from stunned to pained and I held my tongue from going off at him again for his dumb face.
"That was One For All and the other vestiges" he replied sadly, "they wanted me to go with them again and not come back," he paused and when I made no move to speak, he continued, "I haven't come for the past week because I've been with them. They didn't want me to see you and I listened to them, not going further than your subconscious" he lifted his green gaze to me, "I'm sorry. I knew you were calling for me, but I figured you would be alright without me" he dropped his gaze again, "tonight I could feel that you really needed me and when I tried to come, they tried to stop me" he took a moment to take a deep breath.
"They said that if I left them again this time, that I wouldn't be able to come back" I felt like part of my stomach dropped and everything I had just witnessed fell into place. Deku had given up his place as a proper vestige of One For All to be here with me and I sat myself back down on the grass with my legs crossed and frowned at the ground. I wondered what they really meant for him, if, without One For All, if he would fade away from here too.
"Why?" I asked, all the anger drained from my voice, "why does it have to be one or the other for you?" I asked and he lifted his eyes to mine again.
"Nana said that if I stay out here too much that I might taint you or become lost" I recognized the name Nana as the holder of One For All before All Might. I opened my mouth to ask what that meant exactly, but Deku spoke up before I could, "I don't understand exactly what she meant. She wouldn't explain it any more than that" he added.
"So it's either stay here or stay with them, forever" I summed up aloud, "then you should go back" I said flatly and Deku seemed to wince a little. I looked away.
"You belong inside One For All," I went on, "If you stay out here, who knows what will happen, you may disappear altogether. They have warned you against it and they would have a good reason to do that wouldn't they" it wasn't a question, but Deku opened his mouth.
"But I have nothing to offer One For All" he replied quietly, like the words hurt to say.
"So?" I bit back.
"So, I'm quirkless," he sat up straighter as he raised his voice at me and tears pricked the corners of his eyes again as he looked at me fiercely for a moment, "I have nothing to offer One For All, I have no power to give them or to pass along. I will always be quirkless." his ferocity and determination seemed to fizzle away, and he lowered his voice again, "If I leave, what about you?" he asked with a sniffle.
"I don't need you" I replied sternly
"Liar!" Deku shot to his feet and was glaring down at me with both misery and anger and the effect made me work hard at not show any reaction.
"I can feel it you know," he yelled down to me, "I could feel it the whole time I was away from you. Your unhappiness and worry and I knew that If I had actually been there for you that you wouldn't have felt like that"
"What does it matter?" I growled back and rose to my feet to stand before him, my whole extra inch in height working hard to try to intimidate him down.
"If you stay here you might just end up dying all over again, then what, I'll feel the same way all over again, but worse, because I won't even have the comfort of knowing that your inside One For All still, you'll just be gone!" I yelled back into his face, but he refused to back down.
"Is that what you really want!" his volume dropped a level, but his gaze was still strong, "you want me to leave?" his eyes shone with hurt and I hadn't even answered his dumb question yet.
"It's better than the alternative" I spat back.
"The alternative that we don't even know will happen or not" he shot back and despite how he was standing his ground, the corner of his lip quivered like he was about to cry.
"And what if it does happen?" I asked with a degree less anger. He didn't have a reply for me and finally he dropped his gaze and stepped back. That was more like the Deku I knew and despite the wave of satisfaction I got, a spark inside me panicked that he was giving up.
"What do you want then?" he asked, "really want, if nothing else mattered" he didn't dare look up at me as he spoke, but I could feel that my answer would make or break this. I was silent for a long moment, pondering what I really wanted and what I should tell him. The truth, or what was best.
"If there were no consequences, I would want you to stay" I replied. During my thinking all my other emotions had faded away and I was left with only the emptiness in my stomach, "but that's not the case, so you should go back" I resisted the urge to look away from him and continued to watch the top of his head as he looked down to his feet. I could see him clenching his fists and see his shoulders quiver from the effort to not cry.
"And what about what I want?" he asked gently and slowly lifted his sad gaze up to me one last time. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. This interaction had grown painful and part of me wanted to stay so I would never have to say goodbye while my other half wanted to turn and walk away to get it over with. He continued to stare back at me with pain in his eyes. I knew he had thrown me a bone and I didn't want to pick it up. I didn't want my resolve to waver, but the idea of just turning away felt crueler the longer I let the idea sit.
"What do you want?" I asked with a hollow voice, but instead of giving me an answer his expression grew more complex. His brows deepened, his eyes continued to tear up and he attempted to smile, but it was a pained one. His green gaze flicked to the side of me as if he couldn't bare to look at me and I turned my back on him and started to head back up the hill. Each step made my body feel heavier with misery, but I pushed on, knowing that despite how much it hurt to be saying goodbye to him this way, it had to be done, otherwise I risked him disappearing altogether. Even if it wasn't a guaranteed risk, the idea of it was more painful that him not existing altogether. One day I would live on inside One For All and what would that be like without him there too. I almost faltered on my path up the hill when that thought spurred me on. Years from now when I passed One For All on and died, I would have all the time in the world to resolve things with Deku and all the time there could ever be to spend with him. Despite all that, it still felt awful to leave him like this. No warm goodbyes. Even his funeral didn't feel this incomplete.
"Kacchan!" he called out for me. It wasn't a pained voice of desperation, but one that carried some anger and I paused halfway up the hill. Part of me was proud to hear that he hadn't broken down in tears the moment I turned my back on him. I knew already from his tone that he was angry at me for ending it like this. Not the option I chose, but that I was leaving him without saying goodbye. I knew he was waiting for me to turn around, to say a proper farewell to him. To tell him that I will see him again one day and to watch me be the number one hero until then. But my heart was racing in my chest and my stomach was doing back flips, I couldn't even possibly begin to break down the tsunami of emotions that slammed into me when he had called out that stupid name. I thought I was being strong to walk away, but now I felt like I would be crushed under all the weight. I already felt so many regrets when I thought of Deku. Would this just be one more?
I clenched my fists over and over again before steeling myself to turn around and face him. When I looked down the hill to him, he was waiting, with that sad and determined expression again. Even from here I could tell he was clenching his jaw and his arms were shaking from holding back his emotions. I was surprised to feel my eyes growing wet and I felt myself snap inside.
"Then stay with me!" I called down to him and his body froze, it wasn't what he had expected from me, "Stay and live. Live through me!" I wasn't even sure if my words made sense to him. I was opening the floodgates and tears rolled down my face, but I wasn't ashamed of them this time. My legs felt weak and my turmoil inside turned to anxiety as I waited for a response from him. I didn't know what I was saying, I didn't know what any of it would really mean for either of us down the road, but here and now I wanted him to stay.
If he were in my waking conscious, he would see more around him. See and hear what I did more. I wondered if that would pain him or not, but I already knew when I had asked earlier that he wanted to stay here. I knew already that he hadn't answered my question because he had expected me to already know his answer, and I had. He gazed back up the hill to me, his face turned from sadness to shock as if he couldn't register what I was saying and I stood and waited, my legs too shaky, as though if I took a step I would fall. Finally, it clicked to him and he closed his mouth tightly with a small smile and he ran for me. I didn't do anything sappy like open my arms to him, but regardless he wrapped his arms around me when he reached me and cried like the baby he is.
Honestly this is my favourite chapter!
A/N: As of tomorrow I am back to work full time sadly so I my chapters will be coming slower than before. I will aim for at least one or two chapters per week, but I do apologize in advance for those who have been keeping up to date day to day with this fic.