Reverse Epiphany
The conversation had started like all their other ones. Chattering about the day's events, school gossip, weekend plans. Spencer only noted momentarily the shifting in Ashley's voice as they changed topics to this past weekend. The party had been fun, but Spencer had found it especially disconcerting that Ashley had seemed to pay more attention to the brunette, with the leather pants and cheap eye makeup, than her own girlfriend. They'd been dating for four months now. It hadn't been easy, exactly like Ashley had promised. They'd fought, argued, called each other names…however all their fights had ended with an eventual apology and a lusty session of make up sex. This time, things suddenly seemed different. Ashley seemed more and more distant as Spencer tried to broach the topic of the girl at the party, Heather.
"Why are you avoiding this, Ash?" She demanded, feeling heaviness in her heart. Why had her girlfriend, her Ashley, been so interested in some damn whore as opposed to the girl who she repeated claimed her love to, Spencer?
She remembered that they were lying on the grass one Sunday afternoon in Spencer's backyard. It was right after Paula had just moved out, so Ashley could openly hold Spencer's hand. She had her head on Spencer's torso, playing with Spencer's long fingers with her own. It had been a good day; they'd gone to the beach and spent the entire afternoon in bed cuddling before coming outside to get some fresh air. Ashley was laughing about some clever comment Spencer had made and suddenly the blonde felt compelled to speak.
"I think I had an epiphany, Ash." Spencer almost whispered. Ashley turned her head to peer up at Spencer.
"An epiphany?" Ashley murmured, the words coming slow out of her mouth. "Like…a sudden realization of a great magnitude or something?" She recounted, as if she was reading from the dictionary. Spencer chuckled.
"Yes…something like that. I was sitting at the beach with you, and everything was so perfect. The waves were making those soothing sounds and crashing up against the shore. And I could feel the sand beneath my toes and your hand in mine. I looked over Ash…" Spencer paused, running her hand through her girlfriend's hair, "and I just felt so…complete." She smiled a moment, watching a smile register on Ashley's face. "You make me feel that way."
"So what was your epiphany then?" Ashley questioned, sitting up and maneuvering to face Spencer. "That I make you feel complete?" She asked, her voice lowering to a near rumble. Spencer scratched her ear, nervous all of a sudden.
"Well…that…I know now…what I thought I knew before…" Spencer trailed off. Ashley furrowed her brows.
"What?" She said. Spencer could tell that she was laughing to hide her nervousness as well.
"That I'm…" Spencer peered into Ashley's chocolate brown eyes and all her fears seemed to leave her, "I'm head over heels, story book romance, Romeo and Juliet…totally, completely in love with you." Spencer managed to get out. Her eyes dropped from Ashley's to the grass, which was suddenly intriguing to her. She fingered a few pieces of the stuff between her fingers, waiting for Ashley to answer. She had hoped this heartfelt admission of the love she felt for the other girl would trigger something. She waited patiently for Ashley to speak. But no words ever came.
Weeks later, they'd celebrated their three month anniversary. Spencer and Ashley didn't exactly talk about the "Spencer Epiphany" since then. Ashley had simply gotten up from the lawn that day and helped pull Spencer to her feet, mumbling something about wanting some ice cream. Spencer had taken that as an answer. Ashley would tell her she loved her when she was ready. At least, that's what Spencer hoped.
For the anniversary, Ashley had taken Spencer out to a lovely Greek restaurant and then out to dancing at Gray. After their feet had grown weary, they had found themselves on the beach, Spencer's hand lazily holding onto Ashley's as they walked through the waves barefoot. Ashley laughed as Spencer tried to turn a cartwheel in the sand and fell over. She jogged over to her fallen girlfriend, helping her up. Spencer stumbled over into Ashley's arms, peering up at her. Ashley's eyes had looked so warm in the moonlight. Spencer smiled and pulled Ashley to her into a tight hug.
"Thank you for everything, Ash." She whispered, letting her breath hit Ashley's neck, "Happy Anniversary, baby." Ashley had pulled away from her slowly, eyes darting from Spencer's eyes to her lips, as if deciding to say it back or say it with a kiss. She cleared her throat.
"So…I had an epiphany today…" She started, looking up to see Spencer eyes light up at these words, "I realized…" She seemed to lose her concentration for a moment, as she ran her fingers through Spencer's hair. "I realized how completely in love with you I am. And how sorry I am that I couldn't say it before." She took Spencer's hand in hers and gripped it tightly. "I didn't want to say it until I felt it with every ounce of my body…and now I know. I know that I feel it." She leaned in and kissed Spencer slowly, their lips softly meeting. "I love you." Spencer just beamed, unable to speak, she was so happy.
That had been over a month ago, Spencer realized, coming back to the present. Ashley was rambling on the other end of the line about how the brunette had meant nothing to her, and how could Spencer accuse her of something like that.
"Are you in love with her?" Spencer asked suddenly. She knew it was ludicrous but she wanted to hear Ashley renounce that bitch and tell Spencer that she was still in love with her, just as she had been that night on the beach. Spencer only heard heavy breathing on the other side of the line.
"Maybe I don't know what love is anymore." Ashley replied calmly. This was not the answer Spencer expected. Ashley's words had caught Spencer's breath in her throat and struck her heart dead where it beat in her chest.
"W-W-what?" Spencer managed to mumble. What was Ashley talking about? What could she mean by that?
"All I'm saying, Spencer…" Ashley sighed on the other side of the line, right into Spencer's ear, "I'm not sure I have the feelings…that I said…I did." She finally finished. Spencer felt like suddenly the room was running out of oxygen and she was hyperventilating.
"How can you say that?" Spencer demanded. "What are you talking about?"
"All I'm saying…is that…" Ashley didn't want to do this over the phone, this was the last possible place she wanted to have this discussion, "That I lied about my epiphany." She hated saying those words...she hated it. They tasted like bitter venom on her lips and tongue. She didn't want to revoke her epiphany; it was the furthest thing from the truth.
"Why?" Spencer nearly screamed, "Why would you do that?" This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening.
"I just wanted to get into your pants. I fucked you that night…remember?" Ashley couldn't believe the bile spewing out of her mouth. She could feel her stomach beginning to churn…churning as she was destroying everything Spencer and she ever had. Ashley had sunk down, her back leaning against the wall for support, her feet unable to work. She wanted to scream and tell Spencer that it wasn't true, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything, just releasing small sobs into the phone.
Spencer stood stunned on the other side of the line, her brain unable to function. That was a lie...it had to be. Ashley didn't feel that way. She could hear her whimpering on the other side of the phone. Why was she doing this?
"Why…why would you do this to us, Ash?" She choked out, tears freely falling down her cheeks now. "Why are you doing this?" She screamed, finally finding her voice. Ashley only sobbed harder.
"Stop making this more difficult than it has to be, Spencer." Ashley begged her. "You think I want to tell you to fuck off?" She demanded, finding her own voice now.
"No! I don't! So stop doing it." Spencer pleaded with her. "Tell me what's going on, let me know what I did to make you do this…" She tried to reason. Ashley wiped her nose off on her sleeve, rising to her feet, and pacing now. Should she tell Spencer?
"Fuck you, Spencer" was all she could manage to mumble as she fought back more tears. "It's over." She hung up the phone quickly throwing it away from her. She collapsed to the floor, unable to comprehend what she'd just done.
"You don't know me?" The brunette had murmured into Ashley's ear. Spencer and Ashley had come to the party to hang out with Aiden and Ashley was unsure why this brunette slut seemed so content on keeping her away from her girlfriend.
"Uh…should I?" Ashley said nonchalantly, watching Spencer laugh at something Aiden said. The brunette was still looking at her, Ashley noticed, out of the corner of her eye.
"You fucked me two weeks ago." The brunette informed her. Ashley's head turned to her suddenly, eyes wide.
"What are you talking about?" She demanded. "I didn't fuck you. I have a girlfriend."
"And as I recall, she blew you off for some…family night." The brunette replied snidely. "That's all you talked about as you took me back to your place and fucked me. Maybe it's out of habit that when you don't have your usual plaything for the night, you just find someone else. Regardless of the consequences." The girl told Ashley, keeping her head close to Ashley's, so Spencer couldn't tell what the two were talking about.
"That…that…" Ashley racked her brain and fuzzily remembered some brunette at Gray while Spencer wasn't there. Fuck, she thought. She couldn't believe that she'd let that happen. How could she have cheated on Spencer? The one person she truly loved? How could she have gotten so drunk that she couldn't say no? "That was a mistake."
"No doubt it was, looking at your hot girlfriend." The girl whispered into her ear.
"Why would you do that to her?" She hissed. Ashley felt the deepest pang of guilt in the pit of her stomach. The girl was right. How had she let this happen?
"Let me tell you…" The girl started, "It's people like you that fuck people over. People like you that destroy lives without even caring, without a second thought. You will never be capable of having a real relationship…ever…because you don't love anyone but yourself." The girl growled, pulling away from Ashley, leaving her standing against the wall for support, her breathing coming hard as she had an epiphany of her own.