I decided it would be best to put up dates for everyone so you'll start seeing that at the beginning of chapters from now on. The less confusion the better, right: ) Liz gave me the idea, even though she said it wasn't necessary : )

Thanks for all of your reviews! I loved each and everyone of them!

I'm starting on 35 now…

Chapter 34

April 19, 1912- Night

Later on that evening, after I returned to my Grandfather's house I was told by Mrs. Fitzpatrick that he was out for the evening and wouldn't be home for dinner. She offered to have my meal brought up to me in my room and I both accepted and appreciated it. Leaving Harry's room had been hard enough, but having to sit through another uncomfortable meal with my Grandfather would have been beyond grueling and most likely would put me in a fowl mood.

I went upstairs to my room and shut the door behind me, relishing the fact that I was finally alone but at the same time wishing for Harry's company. No epic novelist or playwright would ever be able to properly capture my exhilaration the moment those elevator doors opened to reveal him standing there; looking every bit the gentleman in his new suit, but at the same time still holding that stern yet playful expression on his face.

I thought of that with a smile as I went to the vanity and began to pull the pins from my hair. One after one I pulled them out until finally every strand of my hair fell past my shoulders in long waves. I ran my brush through it all the while looking at myself with scrutiny, wondering if anything on the outside shone what was happening on the inside.

I felt older, and if I wasn't mistaken there was something in my eyes that gave it away. Nan had seen it, but it wasn't until now that I confirmed it for myself. I was no longer a child, a fact that had only been revealed to me a few hours before. It's not that I still thought of myself that way, I just couldn't clearly remember when the transformation had taken place. I took great pains in only using a mirror when totally necessary thanks to the thousands of sermons my teachers and others had burned into my consciousness over the years about vanity being a sin and only for those who were ugly on the inside and such. So it was understandable that I couldn't recollect growing from a girl into a young woman.

I looked at myself; going from my green eyes to my fair skin to my long hair that shone almost like gold in the dim light of my room. I wasn't ugly, I thought, but I wasn't a great beauty either. Now Rose, she had always been beautiful, even as a child she managed to grab people's attention. I had always envied her red hair, wishing I could have something that distinguished me from the thousands of other girls around me.

Thinking of a young Rose got me to thinking of Rose and I when we were children. As young girls, Rose and I generally only saw one another during the summer months when I was home from school. I had mixed memories of those occasions, some happy and some not so happy.

Nan's home outside of Philadelphia is a vast estate containing the large 150 room house, stables, gardens and even a private lake. Rose, George and I being Nan's only grandchildren spent many happy hours on the grounds we were young and were allowed to go where we pleased whenever we wanted to. Since Rose's birthday was in July, Nan would always insist Aunt Ruth and Uncle John let her come to stay for a few days. It was like a tradition for a few years; Rose's birthday was the 26th and usually around the 23rd Aunt Ruth would send her out there to us and for a few days Nan would make sure we were spoiled beyond belief.

The year she turned 8, there was a circus, literally; elephants, clowns, horses with long manes of braided hair. When she was 10; a magician with white rabbits for each of us. As we got older, the celebrations became more mature, with dinner parties and dances. I know I can safely say that neither one of us welcomed this change, but it was just part of life.

Birthdays, I thought.

For a few months out of the year Rose and I were the same age, but I always felt as if she much older than I was. We were almost exactly six months apart in age, her being born the 26th of July 1894 and I, the 24th of January 1895. She was the older sister I never had, and I followed her everywhere, wanting to be just like her. It was always like that, until I arrived in Southampton just weeks ago.

She had changed and just now as I wondered if my own change was noticeable, hers had been. Her eyes no longer sparkled, her smile was non existent even the color of her skin had gone from a healthy glow to a drab peach color. There was no mistaking the moment when all of that disappeared and the true Rose came back to life; the night Jack held her in his arm and swung her around the dance floor, when he awakened something inside of her that had nearly suffocated under all of properness and etiquette that had been dumped on her over and over again. That was also the same night Harry told me he loved me.

What a night for lovers that had been. Like the Goddess of Love herself had sprang from the sea, born from the foam and waves, so had the love that we all shared. I felt lucky, not only because I had been fortunate to be a part of the love that Harry and I shared, but also because we were still alive to share it. Wherever Rose and Jack were, they were together. They didn't have to worry about half the things that Harry and I did, but at the same time they wouldn't get to experience the things that we would either; marriage, having a family, growing older together. And after tonight I felt even more confident about all of that. I no longer felt that I had to be afraid of Cal because I knew Harry would be there.

I went back to my reflection and smiled, deciding that I my face did show off my newfound maturity and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before I let my love for Harry come out of hiding and be seen as well.

Some time, later across town…

I had just finished washing up and brushing my teeth in preparation to turn in for the night when someone knocked on my door. I immediately thought it was Sarah and didn't even bother to put on my pajama shirt and with a towel still over my shoulder I flung the door open.

It wasn't Sarah, it wasn't even anyone I expected it to be, in fact I never in a million years thought I would see her standing at my door. I didn't think she'd be stupid enough to risk being caught.

Rose.

"What are you doing here?" I managed to ask through gritted teeth while pulling her into my room. I checked the hall to make sure that no one had seen before coming back into the room and shutting the door quickly.

She looked better than she had the last time I had seen her, even though she was still a far cry from the first class princess she was. Her long hair had been brushed and pulled away from her face and a scarf was wrapped snuggly around her head, I guessed because she didn't want to be seen.

"I'm sorry I had to come."

"After all that you've done to make everyone think your dead you're going to show up in the same hotel your fiancé and Grandmother are staying in! Not to mention countless of other Titanic survivors…"

"No one saw me, I made sure of that." she replied as if it were nothing. She removed her scarf and hung it over the chair while I looked at her in bewilderment. "And Cal is no longer my fiancé by the way…don't look at me like that. I took precautions alright, in the meantime would you mind putting on a robe."

I flushed realizing I was only have dressed and reached for my robe. I removed the towel and put on my robe while she went to the window and looked out over the lights of the city below us.

"How is Sarah?" she asked, not looking up.

I tied the belt of the robe, "Full of guilt."

"Guilt?" she turned to me with her eyebrows rose in question, "Why on earth…oh no…" in her mind I could tell she had figured why Sarah thought that way, "The lifeboat." she replied.

I nodded and sat down in the chair she had laid her scarf over just moments before, "She's gotten better since we've reached New York, but it's still on her mind."

"Poor thing, I didn't realize…"

"Well, Rose there is a lot of things you didn't realize. Sarah's guilt is only the beginning. That fiancé of yours has his eyes set on her and I blame you for it."

"I told you ex-fiancé, and why in the world do you blame me?"

"If you hadn't of done what you did then he would have kept it to himself!"

"Obviously you don't know Cal very well. If he wants something he'll get it, no matter what! And how dare you talk to me that way, I've done nothing to you!"

"NOTHING! DID YOU SWALLOW TOO MUCH SEAWATER?" I lowered my voice even though I wanted to blow up at her, "This whole time she's been mourning you I have to sit there holding her, wiping away her tears when I know I can stop her pain altogether." Rose's face fell, but I pressed on, "I'm amazed that I've made it this far without giving it away. She's told her Grandmother and brother about me and they took it very well so there's no reason for me to not tell her…"

"Didn't I explain this to you once before!" she spun towards me in astonishment, "You can't tell her and you know exactly why." She walked over to me as she spoke until she was right in my face. I stood up and towered over her,

I did know why, it wasn't going to be easy to forget that conversation we had. "I won't let any of that happen!"

"What are you going to do? There's no way you can stop what would happen if she found out and then everyone else figures out that she knew…"

"They're not going to! You are basing your decision off a something that has very little chance of happening. I could tell her tomorrow and no one could ever find out and she wouldn't have to mourn you anymore and could go on with her life…"

"And that's how they would know! Wouldn't it look strange that my cousin, a girl who loved me and grew up with me, who was a sister to me, didn't mourn openly for my death…especially when they can't find my body? You're not thinking about this like I am," she rested her hand on my arm and it brought me back down from the height my rage had carried me, "Please, don't tell her. I know it's hard, I really do. I was in the crowd when she met George, she actually had arms to welcome her home, and I had none. I spent last night at the Red Cross center, alone on a hard cot, while she went back to soft feather pillows and silk sheets. Its better this way, trust me."

I shook my head, "There has to be another way."

"There isn't. Things will get better though, in a few months I'll seem like a distant memory."

"Somehow I don't think so."

"Whether you think it or not, it is the truth. Everything will work out, who knows this time next year you and Sarah could be married."

I nodded as she sat down on the bed across from me. I returned to my place in the chair trying to take in what she had just said to me. I still didn't like it, but just as before she had me convinced. I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize my future with Sarah. I looked over at Rose and saw for the first time how pale she was.

"Are you alright?"

She looked up and mustered up a brave yet totally forged smile, "Of course, I'm fine."

"Why did you come here?"

It was odd, but I could have swore I saw her go from a mature adult to a scared child in a matter of seconds, "I guess I just wanted to see a friendly face." she replied in an uneven voice.

I felt for her and got up from my spot in the chair and sat next to her on the bed and put a comforting arm around her, much like a brother would do for a sister. She looked at me grateful for the comfort of being held by another human being.

"Thank you."

"Your welcome."

"You don't have to comfort me, I don't deserve it…"

"Stop right there, you did what you had to do, even if I don't agree with it. I'll always be here for you Rose."

"Sarah's so lucky."

I smiled down at her and tilted her head towards my shoulder and let her have her moment.

Her soft red curls were pressed up against my cheek and to anyone who could have walked in and seen this it would have looked bad, but she had no one else and that was the complete truth. To her family she was dead and although I wasn't Jack, I could give her at least some consolation.

I was the only one who could.