Warnings: Angst, canonical character death, grief/mourning, and parentification.
Maddie's seven-years-old when her parents sit her down and tell her she's going to be a big sister again. She stares at their united front with disbelief and confusion, not quite understanding what they're saying, and when her mother repeats herself, her shock gives way to fury.
Maddie cries and screams and throws the biggest fit of her life. She's already a big sister, thank you very much, and just because Daniel is sick doesn't mean her parents can just replace him. Sure, he's in the hospital a lot, but that's just so that he can get better, and when he does, what will be the point of having another baby?
She says as much, screaming the words because Maddie needs to be heard, needs her parents to understand how unfair they're being, and she doesn't care how hurt her parents are because they hurt her first.
Maddie is sent to her room, and she makes sure to stomp every step of the way, slamming the door so hard the force reverberates in her soul. Her chest heaves with effort, every inhale and exhale rattling her bones, making the world swim, and she doesn't realize she's crying until she sees herself in the mirror. Face red, hair plastered to her chubby cheeks, eyes screwed up and lip quivering because none of this is fair. None of this is right.
Well, her parents can't throw Daniel away. They just can't.
It's long past dinner time when her father knocks softly on her door. Maddie doesn't speak, can't because if she opens her mouth she'll break and Daniel needs her to be strong, and stares out the window as he lets himself in. She feels his weight sink into the mattress behind her, feels him settle a hand on her arm.
"Maddie, sweetie," he says, gentle and soft, "we aren't replacing Daniel."
But Maddie's seven, not stupid, and she's too tired to pretend like everything is okay. "Yes, you are," she argues quietly. "You're going to have a newer, healthier baby and forget all about Daniel."
Her father sucks in a shaky breath, and his voice is strained when he says, "Sweetie, no, that will never happen, okay? Your mother and I, we love you both so very much. It's because we love Daniel that we're doing this."
That doesn't make any sense, and pressure unlike anything she's ever felt builds and builds inside Maddie until she feels like she's going to burst and erupt like a volcano. "Stop lying to me!" she warbles out, furious and hurt and scared.
"Oh, sweetheart, no." Her father easily lifts her up and gathers her in his arms, murmuring soft words of encouragement and love, and Maddie fights him because she doesn't want to hear any of it. She doesn't remember life before Daniel, her sweet, brave little brother, and it's only now that her parents have sat her down and told her of the new baby that she realizes she'll know life after him.
Because Maddie knows in her heart that that's why they're doing this. They're having a baby because they don't think Daniel is going to get better. She doesn't know how they can just give up on Daniel, how they can have another baby take his place so easily, but Maddie refuses. As his big sister, she's supposed to protect Daniel.
She never thought she'd need to protect him from their parents, too.
But somewhere along the way, the fight drains out of her, and Maddie finds herself calming down. The fire in her chest isn't gone, merely subdued for the moment.
"Daniel…" She breathes his name like a mantra, clings to each precious syllable as they fall from her lips.
"I know this is all so confusing for you," her dad says, sniffling, "and I know you're hurting. But one day, when you're a little older, you'll understand why everything's happening." He pets her hair, the gentle motion soothing something fractured inside Maddie, and it's at this moment that she hates her parents. "The baby won't replace anyone. It's going to help save Daniel, and then you'll have two siblings to love."
Maddie doesn't say anything. Eventually her eyes get heavy, her breathing deepens, and she can feel herself drifting off to sleep. Her father tucks her in, places a kiss on her forehead, and quietly leaves the room.
Never, she vows solemnly, just before the darkness can claim her. I will never love that baby.
The baby's going to be a boy.
Her parents aren't happy with the news. Every time a neighbor asks how the baby is doing, her mom's face gets tight and pinched, as if she has to swallow something gross, and she can barely stand for anyone to look at her swollen stomach, let alone touch it. The last time Maddie's father tried, the resulting argument had Maddie squirrelling herself away in the attic, as far from the despaired, broken cries as she could possibly get.
The only person actually excited about the baby is Daniel. His eyes sparkle with joy when their parents tell him about the new baby, about the sibling that's going to save his life. Guilt curdles in Maddie's stomach, because none of this would be happening if she was a better match, if she was good enough, but she just clenches her teeth and focuses on Daniel's excited murmurs.
Eventually, their mother clamps a hand over her mouth and rushes off to the bathroom adjoined to Daniel's hospital room. Their father kisses Daniel on his forehead before excusing himself, closing the bathroom door behind him. Maddie can hear their mom retching into the toilet.
She looks at Daniel. His normally gaunt and pallid cheeks are flushed pink, almost enough that he looks healthy under the fluorescent lighting of the dimly lit room, and he settles into the hospital bed with exhausted pleasure.
"How can you be so happy?" she whispers. Her voice is almost quiet enough that the hum of machinery can drown her out, but Daniel hears her. He always hears her.
"Why wouldn't I be?" He smiles at her, small and relieved and happy. "We'll have a new baby to love."
He doesn't get it, Maddie thinks in dismay. This new baby wouldn't be a new addition to the family. This new baby wouldn't be someone toddling after Daniel the way he did her. This… This new baby is meant to take Daniel's place when he dies. How can anyone be happy about that? How can anyone love someone like that?
"I don't want to love a new baby!" Maddie bursts out, eyes wide and panicked. "I love you!"
But Daniel just cocks his head, confused, and asks, "Why can't you do both?"
Because, Maddie wants to scream, loving the baby means giving up on you and I won't!
But she doesn't say anything. The bathroom door swings open. Her parents say their goodbyes to Daniel, who smiles and soaks in the affection, and then usher her to do the same. He smiles at her, but his eyes are big and wet and pleading. She's careful when she hugs him, even though she wants nothing more than to squeeze him close, and she breathes in his scent, memorizes it as if she won't ever get another chance, and whispers, "I'll try."
And Daniel just lets out a small laugh and says, "I know." He kisses her cheek. "You're a good big sister."
The thing is, Maddie really does try. She doesn't glare at her mother's belly anymore, doesn't give her parents the cold shoulder, doesn't complain when the only space they have for the baby in their house is in her room. Her parents don't ask her about her change of heart, and she doesn't offer to tell them.
Instead, she gets her mother ginger tea when she's sick, feels the baby kick with her own hands, rearranges her bedroom so that the baby's bassinet and dresser fit neatly into a corner. Technically, with Daniel spending more and more time at the hospital, his room is hardly in use and can hold the baby, but Maddie's unspeakably glad when her parents don't do that. Apparently, to them, there is such a thing as too far.
And that's okay, because Maddie will share her room with the baby if it lets her parents pretend they aren't replacing Daniel.
But she still doesn't love it. Him. Baby Buckley.
She promised Daniel, but maybe there's just something in her that's broken. Maybe this baby just isn't somebody she can love.
Because she's out of love. Her heart must have room for only one little brother, and his name is Daniel Buckley.
She keeps these dark thoughts to herself. If I can't love him, Maddie thinks to the stars above outside her window, then I can be kind.
Guilt is a familiar sensation, settling underneath her ribs and worming its way into her heart. Worse, she feels guilty not because this new baby deserves better than her indifference, but because she knows she's disappointing Daniel.
She knows she's not the big sister he thinks she is.
There are days when her mother curls under a blanket and just cries. The loud, wracking sobs are hard to ignore, but the last time Maddie tried to help, she'd been screamed at by both of her parents. So when she passes her parents' bedroom and hears the weeping, she makes an immediate detour to the attic.
Most kids would be at least a little afraid of the dark, cobweb-draped corners, but Maddie is brave and strong. Anything less is not an option.
Boxes line the walls, standing taller than Maddie herself. They're coated in dust and grime, but each one has its own little adventure just waiting to be discovered, so Maddie grabs one close to the ground and opens it. There's a medium-sized chest inside, and Maddie's breath catches in her throat when she reads her own name in elegant script.
She opens the chest, her eyes taking in the little trinkets tucked away safely. A photo of herself, so tiny and delicate, in a little white dress. There's a tiny, faded pink shoe, a scrap of fabric, other bits and bobs that look worn with age.
Maddie stays in the attic for hours, flipping through photos that have people she doesn't know. She flinches when a hand grabs her shoulder, not expecting it, and when she turns, her father smiles gently at her.
"I see you found your memento chest," he says softly.
"It's cool," Maddie says, her voice quiet and unsure.
"I'm glad you think so." Her father gently tugs the photos out of her hand and puts them back in the chest. "You and Daniel will get them when you're older, but for now, let's keep everything tucked away safely, okay?"
Maddie nods her head absentmindedly before following her father out of the attic, her knees aching from kneeling too long and stomach gurgling unhappily. It's much later that Maddie thinks back to what her father had said.
Daniel isn't… There is no 'older' for Daniel. They should give him his now. Before it's too late.
She wonders if the baby will get his own chest.
"What about Daniel Junior?" Daniel grins at Maddie impishly, his eyes half-lidded with exhaustion but so bright with life.
Maddie chomps on her apple, biting into it so hard the fruit scrapes her gums. "I think there's only one Daniel Buckley and he's already perfect," she says.
Daniel lets out a small huff of laughter. "That's why he'd be Daniel Buckley Junior," he stresses, and then he frowns. "No, I want him to have his own name. Just for him."
Maddie quietly heaves a sigh of relief. Having a new brother around is going to be hard enough; she doesn't know if she can keep her promise to be kind if she has to call him Daniel. "That's a good idea," she murmurs.
"Do you want to help me?" Daniel wiggles the book in her direction, face open and hopeful, and Maddie can't be the one to crush him. She can't.
"I'll always help you," she promises, and she gladly hooks her pinkie finger with his when he thrusts it in her direction. She ignores the odd fluttering in her stomach, the heady mixture of guilt and shame and anger because this is the last thing she wants to do, and curls into the bed with him.
Their parents had been all too happy to give in to Daniel's request to name the baby, bequeathing him a book of baby names and meanings before the doctors squirrelled them off. Maddie tries not to hate how excited Daniel is.
Daniel flips through the pages in no particular order, pointing at any random name that catches his eye. "Alden? It means wise protector."
Maddie considers it for a moment before shaking her head. "It sounds weird."
"Ryan?" He squints at the page and frowns. "It's Irish, like our family, and it means King."
"His name doesn't have to be Irish," Maddie points out. "Ours aren't."
Daniel lets out a small hum. He flips through the pages at random, blurting out names before deciding against them. Maddie watches him in silence, only speaking to offer up her opinion when asked. A nurse comes in with a tray of food, encouraging Daniel to start eating soon, but Daniel ignores him, intently perusing the book of names with a fervor that Maddie hasn't seen in a long time. Still, she gently pries the book from his hands, ignoring the way his lower lip juts out in a pout.
"Mads," he starts, voice pitched in a sad whine.
"You need to eat," she interrupts gently. When his brows scrunch together, she grips the book tightly between her fingers and offers, "If you want, I can read while you-"
"Please!" Daniel beams, and then he brings the food tray closer. There's a small bowl of chicken soup, some yogurt, crackers, and a glass of water. Daniel carefully opens his napkin with slightly shaky hands and tucks it into the collar of his hospital gown. When he sees her watching him, he gestures to the book. "C'mon, Mads, you gotta keep up your end of the bargain."
Maddie licks her lips, but her tongue feels like sandpaper. She clears her throat, breathes in deeply to push aside the suddenly overwhelming feeling of despair. "Oliver? Blake? Isaac?"
Daniel makes a valiant effort to finish his food, but his appetite is nowhere close to what it used to be. He yawns into his last spoonful, dutifully shaking his head with every name that doesn't fit their unborn brother. When he's finished eating, he meekly pushes away the tray and settles into his pillows.
"Say that last one again," he says tiredly.
Maddie glances down at the page again. "Evan?"
"I like it," Daniel murmurs. "Evan Buckley sounds… really nice…" He fights another yawn, but every time he closes his eyes, it takes longer and longer for them to open.
Maddie closes the book. She brings the blanket up to Daniel's chin, makes sure it's tucked under his body to keep him nice and warm. "Sleep," she whispers.
"Love you…"
Her heart thumps painfully in her chest. Maddie places a gentle kiss on Daniel's forehead. He smiles briefly before settling deeper into sleep, the day having taken its toll on him. "I love you, too."
Evan James Buckley is born into the world on a warm sunny day. At Daniel's pleading look, Maddie helps him stand and peer into the observation window, where a nurse smiles warmly at them. There's a squirming bundle of blue in her arms, but the blanket secures Evan's flailing limbs.
Daniel coos when he sees Evan's pink, squished face through the window. "He's so tiny," he whispers, clinging onto Maddie's arm. "Do you see him?"
"He's small," Maddie acknowledges. She glances at the baby, at Evan, but then quickly looks away. She's had enough time to get used to the idea of another brother, but seeing him actually there, all twenty-two inches of him, is something else entirely. If it weren't for Daniel's insistence, she probably wouldn't have seen Evan until their parents brought him home from the hospital.
"I love him already," Daniel proudly declares. He squints. "What's that on his eye?" Just above Evan's eye, noticeable against his pale skin, is a pink splotch.
The nurse behind them says, "It's just a birthmark. Nothing to worry about."
"Oh." Daniel inspects the mark with little more than a hum before turning to Maddie. "Do you think…" He cuts himself off, bites on his lower lip. "Do you think I'll be a good big brother?"
Maddie sucks in a breath. She looks at Daniel's carefully hopeful expression, at the way he keeps his eyes transfixed on Evan, and she wishes, desperately, that her parents were here. They're supposed to reassure him, show him the new baby, all of it.
But all Daniel has is Maddie, and the one thing she never wanted to do was lie to him.
Because, in a way, she'd be lying. Daniel will absolutely be the best big brother ever, no questions asked, but the thing is that he'll have to be around for Evan to know that.
"Anybody," Maddie says quietly, "would be insanely lucky to have you for a big brother."
Daniel finally turns to look at her. Maddie doesn't know if he can read between the lines, if he can tell that Maddie doesn't think he'll live long enough to see that happen, but he gives her the softest of smiles, leaning into her side and clutching at her shirt with his hand.
"Thank you." He lets her help him back into his wheelchair. They both ignore the other nurse that's standing by, watching them carefully. The nurse holding Evan soon pulls away, easing him into a big plastic container next to all the other swaddled bundles of pink and blue. "You, too."
"What?"
Daniel looks up at Maddie, and she's alarmed to see his wet eyes and quivering lower lip. "We're so lucky to have you as a big sister," he says quietly, his voice wobbly and tired. "You're the best, Mads. Evan's going to love you so much."
Maddie doesn't know why the words make her skin crawl and her breath stutter in her chest. She walks beside Daniel as the nurse helps him back into his room, into his bed, and she watches him sleep, that awful feeling building in the pit of her stomach with every fall of his chest and only abating with every rise.
It was as if Daniel didn't expect the next surgery to help, either.
Maddie squeezes the pillow to her head and tries to ignore Evan's wailing. She doesn't know how long he's been crying, screaming at the top of his lungs, but the moon is still high and the stars are still out. Sleep would be really nice, except for some reason Evan refuses to settle down.
Normally her dad would come in and take Evan (always her dad, never her mom) before Maddie fully wakes. She doesn't know what's the hold up now, especially when Evan's so loud he can wake the dead, but nobody's coming.
Evan lets out a stuttering gasp, a choked out whimper, and then it's back to screaming.
Maddie throws the pillow on the floor and rips her sheets off, stomping over to his bassinet. The light on the baby monitor is off. She could go and grab her dad, wake him up to deal with this, but she looks at the baby and sighs. Evan's face is red and wet, tiny limbs flailing madly. He pauses briefly when she comes into view, but then he starts screaming again, horrible cries that make Maddie lean down and pick him up.
She hasn't held him much, and would have preferred to keep it that way, but she remembers her father instructing Daniel with a gentle, Support his head. Evan's cries taper down into a whimper, and his hand reaches out and fists Maddie's t-shirt.
"I don't know what to do," she admits quietly. She knows he eats a lot, but she also knows that he's been sleeping all night for the past two weeks, so that can't be it. Maybe his diaper?
Maddie sits at the edge of her bed and unsnaps his onesie. Sure enough, the yellow line is a dark blue, and his diaper is swollen and gross. With an aggrieved sigh, she puts him on her bed and turns on the light. Evan whines, lower lip jutted out and starting to quiver.
He looks like Daniel.
With a hard swallow, Maddie quickly gets the wipes and a new diaper. She's seen her dad change him, but she's never actually changed a diaper herself. Her movements are clumsy and unpracticed, but Evan doesn't seem to be in pain or anything. His bottom is rosy and pink, and she can't remember if that's good or bad, especially with how pale the rest of his skin is, but she makes sure to put plenty of powder in the diaper. The snaps are trickier than they look, but soon Evan is changed and relatively quiet.
He makes soft cooing noises, even as his eyes start to droop. Her work done, Maddie carefully puts him back in his bassinet, turns off the lights, and crawls into bed. She's settling into her pillow when she hears him start to whine again.
"Go to sleep, Evan," she grumbles.
Another whimper.
"You're already changed. Now it's bedtime."
Sniffles, and then a long, drawn out whine that gets higher in pitch by the end.
Maddie wants to cry herself. All she wants is to go back to sleep, not deal with Evan. That's not her job. Maybe she should wake her dad up after all.
When Evan's whine turns into crying, she lets out a groan and gets up again. She stomps over to the bassinet, frowning at him. To her surprise, Evan stops when she comes into view. His lips twitch and he gives her a gummy smile.
The fight drains out of her.
When they visit Daniel again, Maddie's in charge of watching Evan while her parents go speak with the doctors. She hates that her time with Daniel is going to be interrupted, but she finds herself more upset with her parents, who should have taken Evan with them, rather than Evan who sleeps peacefully in his car seat.
"I want to hold him when he wakes up," Daniel insists, even though he looks more exhausted than anything else. "And I can feed him, too."
"If that's what you want," Maddie says, shrugging. She wasn't ever particularly enthused about looking after Evan, but a few sleepless nights have definitely worn the novelty of it off. Still, she's surprised at how little she minds Evan's company usually.
Sure, he still mostly sleeps throughout the day, but every time her parents foist him off on her, he gives her wide, gummy smiles that remind her so much of Daniel.
He likes you, her father had insisted.
Maddie's pretty sure Evan would like anybody that fed him and changed his diapers.
"I hope I get to go home soon," Daniel says wistfully.
Maddie looks at him, startled. "I didn't think you'd be coming home soon. Mom said you wouldn't get better before Christmas." And it was nowhere close to Christmastime. Evan was only two months old. It was still hot and sticky outside. She was still on summer vacation.
"I'm not getting better, Mads." Daniel looks at her with a small smile. "It didn't work."
Maddie opened and closed her mouth a few times, unsure how to respond. "Maybe… maybe they need more time?"
Daniel shakes his head. "I overheard the doctors and nurses," he confesses. "That's what they're going to talk to mom and dad about. It didn't work and they don't think they can do anything else."
Maddie's ears are ringing, but she just swallows past the lump in her throat and shakes her head. "They're… they're doctors. There's gotta be something they can still do."
Daniel sighs. "I'm tired, Mads."
She stands up on unsteady feet and reaches forward to tuck him in. "Okay, we can talk more after you nap."
He puts his hand over hers, squeezing gently and stopping her. "No, Maddie. I'm tired ." He looks at her with big, wet eyes. "I just… I want to go home. I want to sleep in my bed. I want to show Evan The Little Mermaid. There's so many things I want to show him, Maddie. And I can't do it from here."
Her vision blurs and all Maddie can focus on is the feel of his hand on hers. She's crying and she hates that she's crying because it's not like she didn't see this coming. Maddie knew , okay? She'd known since her parents told her about Evan. She'd known since she saw Daniel get skinnier. She'd known since staying awake got harder for Daniel. She'd known.
So why does it still hurt so much?
It's like her heart is cleaving in two, like she can't breathe enough air, like she took an unexpected tumble down the stairs. The world spins and twirls and her stomach rolls and twists. If she opens her mouth, she's scared she's going to throw up everything she ate this morning.
"Please." The words come out in a whisper, and she hardly recognizes her own voice. She doesn't even know what she's begging for. Please don't go? Please be okay?
Daniel pulls her onto the bed with him, and he slowly twists until he can comfortably wrap his arms around her. "It's going to be okay, Maddie."
He says it with the confidence of someone who won't get to see the aftermath.
She clutches him to her, sniffling and trying to hold back the tears because she's supposed to be strong for him. Maddie's supposed to be the one with the answers. She's supposed to take care of Daniel, not the other way around.
"I don't think it is."
"You'll see," Daniel says. "You and Evan will have each other, and that's good. I'm glad."
I'm not, Maddie wants to scream.
I don't want him without you, she wants to beg.
She doesn't get to say anything. Evan starts to make small whimpers from his car seat. Daniel doesn't move for a few moments as they wait to see if Evan will get settled without their help, but when his whimper turns into a cry, Maddie pulls away.
She's quiet as she carefully unbuckles Evan and lifts him out of his car seat. Daniel adjusts his bed so that he's in a sitting position, and his eyes are bright when Maddie positions Evan in his arms.
"I love you both," Daniel says softly, glancing at Maddie before smiling down at Evan.
And Maddie still can't say the same.
Daniel doesn't come home. Maddie hears her parents arguing back and forth, their screams lasting well into the night. She feeds Evan, changes him, keeps him distracted from the loud noises coming from outside their door. Their dad rarely comes into their room anymore. Maddie doesn't know if they just expect her to watch Evan all the time now or if they just don't care, but she scoops Evan up into her arms and keeps him as calm and comfortable as possible.
Evan gets heavier as the days pass into weeks. His appetite is voracious as ever, guzzling down formula like clockwork, sometimes even begging for a bottle ahead of schedule. They fall into a routine. He's free with his smiles and prefers to sleep while cuddled into Maddie's arms.
It makes Maddie feel ashamed because despite their easy cohabitation, she still doesn't love him. He looks at her like she's his whole world (and with her parents being absorbed in their own mess, she kind of is) but she can't reciprocate. Her heart is too heavy with everything else.
She doesn't hate Evan, not by any means. He takes almost all of Daniel's attention when they visit and her parents can barely stand to look at him (and, by extension, her) and he always wants to be in her arms.
But she doesn't hate him. He looks at her with those blue-grey eyes and smiles so wide and makes the happiest noises and she feels something. Not love. Something quieter, more subtle.
Maybe that will be enough.
School starts back up and Maddie is worried. She spends more time staring at the clock as time slowly ticks by than paying attention to her teacher. It's just that Evan has a schedule that they like to keep to, and Maddie knows that her parents won't follow it.
Not for a lack of trying. Maddie wrote it down in her best handwriting, making sure to stick one copy of it by his bassinet and another by the fridge. After Evan's bottle, he likes to take a nap, but anything longer than two hours makes him cranky. He prefers to be burped against her chest and he hates lying on his back. After his nap until his next bottle, he'll either want to babble for a while or watch an episode of Rugrats. Wash, rinse, repeat.
But with her here in her classroom instead of at home, the routine is already going to be thrown off. What if they put him down for a nap on his back and he gets uncomfortable? What if they don't change his diaper enough and he gets a rash? What if they miss a feeding and he stays hungry until she gets home?
Her worried, panicked thoughts swirls in her head all day. She escapes to the bathroom around lunch and hides in a stall, struggling to breathe and feeling all hot and nauseous. The cool metal walls help her calm down, though she doesn't know how long she stays in the bathroom.
When the bell finally rings and her dad picks her up, her worry only intensifies. He doesn't ask how her day was and she doesn't offer it up. All she can think is that Evan is home, alone, with her mom.
She can't think of anyone worse to watch Evan.
Maddie rushes out of the car as soon as her dad pulls into the driveway. She drops her backpack at the door and hurries to her room, only to pause in the doorway. Sitting on her bed, cuddling a cooing Evan, is none other than Daniel.
He's wearing jean shorts, a tank top, and a baseball cap. He makes silly faces at Evan, who smiles and flails his arms about. Their mom is sitting on a chair that she must've dragged into the room, because Maddie can't remember it ever being in that corner. Still, when their mom watches Daniel holding Evan, she's not making sure he's holding Evan right or that Evan is comfortable.
Her gaze stays fixated on Daniel's face, and her big, teary eyes are full of sadness and despair.
For a moment, it makes Maddie unbelievably furious. Daniel would never do anything to intentionally hurt Evan, but he's not as strong as he used to be. If he'd gotten too tired holding Evan and dropped him, it would hurt Evan and make Daniel feel awful.
But then she looks at her brothers and the rage dies down as quickly as it'd formed. If her mom can't be bothered, then Maddie can step up. It's what she's been doing all these months.
"Hey," she calls softly, moving to sit right beside him.
Daniel turns to her and beams. "Hey, Mads."
"Muh!" Evan gurgles and flails.
Maddie smiles back. "Welcome home."
Even with his need to stay bundled up, Daniel is still immensely happy to be trick-or-treating. The brisk October air makes even Maddie shiver, but she dutifully carries Evan with them as they knock on their neighbor's door.
"Trick or treat!" Maddie and Daniel say in unison.
"Gah!" Evan offers with a squeal.
Mrs. Hendrix gives them a wide smile. "Oh, my! Are you sure it's safe for you three to be above water?" she teases, the lines on her face becoming more pronounced as she gives them a tub of candy. "I would think Flounder would have more trouble than Ariel and Sebastian."
"Muh," Evan says seriously as the top of his Flounder costume slides down to cover his eyes. Maddie carefully pushes it up. Evan lets out a peal of laughter, the sound sweet and clear in the October night.
"Ah, I see," Mrs. Hendrix says, nodding sagely. "You three have a Happy Halloween!"
"Thank you," Maddie says, and they walk down the driveway.
Daniel uses the tip of his claw glove to scratch his nose. "We got lots of candy this year," he muses happily. "It's too bad Evan can't eat any."
"He's still having fun," Maddie points out, and it's the truth. With every house they visit, Evan babbles happily. He even waits sometimes, as if he's expecting a response, and Maddie knows part of the reason why they're getting extra candy this year is because of him.
Another part is because of Daniel.
Their parents are waiting at the end of the driveway. "It's time to go home," their dad says. He smiles blandly at them. "Did you have fun?"
Daniel opens his mouth, but Evan cuts in, babbling and blowing spit bubbles. It makes Daniel laugh, but their mom shushes him, a severe frown on her face. The magic of the night shatters. Evan's lower lip curls downward, and Maddie rocks him gently to stall the crying that's about to happen.
Irritated, Maddie snaps, "He's just a baby."
Her mom opens her mouth, but her dad hisses something quietly at her. They immediately fall backwards, presumably so Maddie and Daniel don't hear them, but Maddie can tell they're arguing.
They're always arguing.
Evan sniffles again and buries his head in Maddie's shoulder. Daniel slips his claw into the crook of Maddie's arm, touching both her and Evan.
"I want to go home," he says quietly, eyes sad and lacking the happy cheer from only moments ago.
"We'll go home," Maddie promises. She rubs Evan's back. "How about we watch The Little Mermaid tonight?"
Daniel's smile is small but hopeful. Evan stays clinging to her. Their parents' arguing seems far away now, for all that they're only walking a few feet in front of them.
Maddie can still salvage tonight.
Thanksgiving passes by quietly. Maddie doesn't really like turkey, Daniel can't eat much, Evan can't eat solid food at all, and nobody really feels like celebrating. The only thing that gets Maddie excited is the day after Thanksgiving, when they finally go to pick up a Christmas tree.
She and Daniel inspect every tree on the lot with critical eyes, dismissing all that don't come close to perfection. From his spot on her hip, Evan reaches out to touch the needles, babbling in her ear a mile a minute.
Maddie knows instantly the moment they find their tree. It towers over both her and Daniel, and the pine smell is almost overwhelming in their proximity to it. Evan grabs a hold of one of the branches and doesn't let go, falling silent as he cranes his head to catch a glimpse at the top of the tree.
They decorate the tree as soon as they bring it home. Maddie helps Evan hang big, colorful ornaments that shine underneath the fluorescent light in their living room. He tries to stick one in his mouth, but she tugs it away gently and distracts him with tinsel and Christmas lights.
Daniel is almost half-asleep from his spot on the couch, cuddled up to their mom, but he directs where some of the ornaments should go while their dad hangs their stockings up. There's a log burning in the fireplace, making them all warm and cozy, and when the decorating is done, their dad hands them mugs of hot chocolate.
Evan tries to take a sip from Maddie's, but she jerks the cup away. "Uh-uh," she chides softly. "This isn't yours."
He whines and looks at her with wet eyes, but he eventually forgets all about it when her dad hands him a bottle. Evan goes nearly boneless against her, eyes closed and little sighs escaping with every pull of milk.
It's been so long since they've felt like a family that Maddie almost forgot how much she's missed it. The tension that's made its home among them since before Evan was even born is finally at rest, no match for the holiday cheer, and Maddie welcomes it with relish.
She'd freeze this moment in time forever if she could.
When Maddie opens her gift, she's not surprised to see a polaroid camera waiting for her. It's the only thing she's wanted, ever since Daniel had remarked off-handedly, "I don't want Evan to forget me."
There's a few packages of film included and Maddie already knows what she's going to do with it.
Daniel gets a lot of presents this year. Books about pirates, the game Perfection, some legos, a brand new Mr Potato Head, and a Game Boy. He looks at his toys with tired interest, thanking his parents politely.
Maddie frowns when she notices the only gifts Evan has are the ones that she and Daniel picked out for him; a big, fluffy bear and a new copy of The Little Mermaid, since they burned the film out of their last cassette only two weeks ago. A glance at Daniel tells her that he's noticed, too. She glances down at her new polaroid camera, at Daniel's plethora of toys, and she can't help the frustration that builds up inside her.
It's like Evan doesn't even cross their mind sometimes.
The New Year brings about a new routine. Daniel gets a different nurse, one who is around him all the time now. He sleeps throughout the day almost as much as Evan. Maddie comes home from school more often than not to see them cuddled up in her bed, surrounded by her stuffed animals, one of Daniel's pirate books held loosely in his hand.
She takes plenty of pictures with her new camera, dating the back very carefully before putting them away in a photo box she bought with her own allowance. The tension that had relaxed before Christmas builds up faster than ever.
The sicker Daniel gets, the less they see of their mom.
Maddie can't remember the last time her mom even bothered to have dinner with them. Even Daniel makes it to the dinner table half the time, and he's fallen asleep in his bowl too many times for Maddie to count. But as time passes, as Maddie's birthday comes and goes, as they celebrate Daniel's birthday, her mom remains a ghost that she seldom sees anymore.
Their dad tries to make up for it, but it's not the same. And the longer Maddie goes without seeing her mom, the less she misses her.
The only ones that want to celebrate Evan's birthday are Daniel and Maddie. Their mom starts venturing out of her room a bit more, but never for very long, disappearing quick enough that they're like ships passing in the night. Daniel's the only one she makes an effort to see; not even their dad can convince their mom to do much more than eat and shower.
So, naturally, it's Daniel that suggests, "Can we go to the beach?"
Their dad immediately looks skeptical. "I'm… not sure if that's a good idea," he says gently.
"We need to do something for Evan's birthday," Daniel argues. "He'll be one. It's important."
"Evan might like the beach," Maddie adds. She makes the appropriate airplane noises, weaving a path in the air until the spoonful of mashed peas makes its way into Evan's giggling mouth. "We haven't gone in a while."
"Please, dad."
Their dad still doesn't look convinced, but he softens a bit, his gaze flickering between all three of them. It's one of the few times that he actually looks at Evan, and Maddie can see something odd in his gaze before he ducks his head down and clears his throat.
"A family trip would be nice," he murmurs.
Not that it's that easy. Maddie knows the exact moment when her dad breaks the news to her mom. She and Daniel are with Evan, watching The Little Mermaid for the millionth time, and right as the shark is about to bite Flounder, they can hear loud, vicious screaming. It's enough to startle all three of them, and Evan soon bursts into tears.
Maddie swoops him up into her arms, rocking him and shushing him gently. She shares a look with Daniel, who looks both unbearably sad and indignant. They know exactly what their parents are fighting about this time, especially when they hear their mom shriek, "HE'S TOO SICK TO GO!"
Daniel grabs the remote shakily and turns the volume up, almost breaking the button with how hard he pushes down on it. He cuddles up to Maddie's free side, gently rubbing Evan's arm in a show of comfort.
Evan sniffles. "Mads," he whimpers.
It's enough to startle both Maddie and Daniel. It's the first word they can understand clearly, and they look at each other in shock before turning to face Evan.
"What's that?" Daniel asks.
Evan reaches out to pat Maddie's cheek. "Mads," he says again, staring at her with big, wet eyes.
"Is he…?" Maddie whispers.
"He's saying your name." Daniel sounds elated, smiling so big and wide. "Can you say Daniel, Evan? Or Dan? Come on, say Daaaaaaaaan."
Evan lays his head on Maddie's shoulder, squeezing her tightly. "Mads," he repeats.
Daniel takes it in stride, laughing. "Daaaaaaaan," he says encouragingly.
Maddie watches their antics quietly, a ghost of a smile on her lips. It's not until Daniel brushes them away that she realizes she's crying.
The sand is soft and squishy beneath her. Daniel is carefully deposited next to her, their dad reaching out to pat all of their heads before walking a safe distance away. Their mom watches mutinously, her cheeks gaunt and her skin sallow. Daniel's nurse smiles sadly at them and stays off to the side, close enough to reach Daniel if he needs her and far enough to let them have this trip.
Maddie closes her eyes and enjoys the gentle, salty breeze. The sun peeks between clouds, making them comfortably warm as they relax. Driving to Coney Island had been long and uncomfortable, between their mom's unhappy muttering, Evan's squirming in his car seat, and Daniel's inconsistent dozing.
"This is nice," Daniel says quietly. He squishes the sand between his fingers and holds some out for Evan to inspect. "I'm glad I got to see it again."
Maddie's used to Daniel's comments. He's very casual and relaxed about not getting to live beyond this year, if the doctors are right about their guesses. By far, the only other one to not be affected by them is Evan, and that's because he's still too little to understand.
"I'm glad you got to see it with us," Maddie says softly. It's the closest she'll ever come to acceptance.
He smiles. "I love you," he says. "I love you both so much."
It almost sounds like a goodbye.
Maddie reaches into her bag and pulls out her camera. "Let's make memories, yeah?"
Evan keeps a tight grip on Maddie's hand, but he squeals happily every time the water licks at their feet. He picks up little seashells, showing them to her with little cries of, "Mads!"
They laugh when he screams at a piece of seaweed that clings to him, and when Daniel's nurse offers to take the pictures for them, she and Daniel strike silly poses with Evan that have them all giggling until Evan gets the hiccups.
Maddie doesn't know how long they stay at the beach, but she enjoys every second of it. Part of her wishes her parents would join them, would make this visit the best for Daniel and Evan.
But Daniel and Evan are happy and that's all that matters.
Daniel's gone.
Peacefully and in his sleep, his nurse assures them.
He's not suffering anymore, their father sobs.
My little angel, their mother weeps.
Not that any of it matters.
Daniel's gone and their family is broken.
Daniel's gone and Maddie's numb.
Daniel's gone.
Maddie doesn't really remember the funeral. She remembers standing at his grave in a black dress, cradling Evan close to her, and she remembers them cuddling in her bed, but she doesn't remember much else.
Daniel's death brings their parents together in a way that his sickness couldn't. Maddie can hear them weeping, but it's randomly interspersed with quiet murmurs of reassurance. She doesn't bother them either way.
In a cruel twist of fate, life goes on.
She still puts on The Little Mermaid for her and Evan to watch, keeping her gaze focused on the television so she doesn't notice Daniel's absence next to them.
She still reads one of Daniel's pirate books to Evan every night, keeping her grip on the book so she doesn't reach out to nothing.
She still takes pictures of her and Evan, fully intending to donate them to Evan's memento chest whenever her parents finally get him one.
Soon enough, their parents are at the dining room table every night for dinner. Her mom gives her tired, tentative smiles (only her, never Evan) and her dad visits their room every night to wish them sweet dreams.
Daniel's bedroom door remains closed.
Maddie's still numb.
They reach a new normal. Life goes on.
Maddie doesn't mean to forget about their beach photos. She'd initially tucked them into her drawer to keep them safe. Then there was the funeral, then there was life.
She's cleaning and organizing her dresser when she comes across the photos. It's hard to imagine they were so happy not even two months ago. Maddie's legs feel weak, and she collapses gracefully on the edge of her bed. The movement must wake Evan up from his nap because he soon sits up and crawls over to her. She subconsciously adjusts herself, settles him into her lap, still looking at the photos with her heart trying to beat out of her chest.
Evan's voice is quiet and sleepy when he points to the picture and says, "Dan."
Maddie sucks in a shuddering gasp. Her eyes burn and her vision gets blurry as she says, "Do you know who that is, Evan?"
Evan yawns and taps the photo. "Dan."
"That's right," she says as her tears make a scorching path down her cheeks. "That's Dan. He wanted t-to be a pirate." Maddie bites her lip hard, tastes blood in her mouth. "He… he loved you so much, Evan. He was s-so excited… to be your big brother…"
Evan squirms in her lap until he's facing her. He studies her face before dropping a kiss to the center of her chest. "Boo boo gone."
And Maddie breaks.
She clutches Evan to her and sobs for the brother she lost, the brother who would forever be eight, the brother Evan won't get to know. She cries until she has nothing left, and then she cries some more. Her heart is a mess and she wants nothing more than to rip it out, crush it beneath her feet, anything to stop the awful hurting.
How can life be so unfair?
Maddie is vaguely aware of Evan's little arms wrapped around her, hands fisting the material of her shirt. She pulls away enough to see his tear-streaked face, and he sniffles loudly and whimpers, "Mads boo boo?"
Maddie rubs her eyes and nods her head. "I have a boo boo," she whispers.
Evan frowns and reaches up to rub at her chest. "Boo boo gone?" he asks, unsure and hesitant.
Strangely enough, it does make her feel better. She still feels raw and exposed, but Evan's obvious care, his attempts to comfort her brings a smile to her face. "All better."
And something clicks.
Maddie stares into Evan's face, so open and earnest, and it's like a balm on her wounded heart. Oh, she thinks. Oh, I do love you.
It's a different kind of love than what she had for Daniel. She's not sure why it's so different, but it settles inside of her, next to the space she thought was carved only for Daniel.
"I love you," she tells him, her voice full of wonder. It's the first time she's ever said it, and she means it with every fiber of her being.
Evan smiles, showing off his six teeth. "Mads," he says happily.
It's going to be okay, Maddie.
Daniel had sounded so sure of himself when he said it, as if anything else was unthinkable, as if getting over his death was going to be so easy.
Or maybe he just knew that she'd be able to get back up and smile again with Evan by her side.
And that's what she does; for Daniel, for Evan, for herself. Maddie stands up, hoisting Evan onto her hip. She puts away all of the photos except one, which she tucks into the corner of her mirror. She makes their dinner, gives Evan a bath, helps him into his pirate pajamas, and puts on The Little Mermaid for the third time today.
You're a good big sister.
She'll do her best.
A/N: (Please forgive any mistakes; I've reread this so many times and I'm pretty sure I'm blind to any errors that remain.) I really wanted to explore the idea that maybe Maddie wasn't thrilled to have another little brother at first and the idea got away from me, so much so that this is the first part of a series. It can be read as its own fic, of course, but I do have plans for at least five other fics (of varying lengths; this being over 8k is a shock to me tbh) so feel free to stick around!