I'm just warning you guys, I had a really bad reaction to the stupid flu shot and haven't been feeling well the past few days (on top of that I caught a cold too…ick!) This was written in half feverish, half Day-Quil dazes and I apologize if it doesn't make any sense. I was really anxious to get this chapter posted, because I struggled for a long while on how to do it (Tipper, thanks so much for your help btw, I'll write you back soon, promise : ) ) anyway when I finally figured it out I just had to write. Lol.
All of your reviews were AWESOME! Welcome to all of the new readers and I'm so glad that you're all enjoying this story. I'm having a lot of fun with it : )
So here we go with Harry's testimony. Some of it is from the actual transcripts and some is from my head. I added a new Senator…Senator Roberts, who didn't actually exist, but was needed for the story.
Chapter 47
April 24, 1912-morning
The next morning, after breakfast, I went back to my room and was searching through one of my trunks for a certain handbag that I knew I had brought with me when I heard a knock on the front door, echoing in from the sitting room. I didn't think much of it and went back to looking when I was interrupted a few moments later by a knock on my own door, which was open.
I looked up and saw Nan there. I was down on my knees on the floor about to look through one of my trunks knowing the polite and ladylike thing to do would be to stand, but I didn't. I stood there and looked at her, silent as could be.
"May I come in?" she asked, her words filled with apprehension.
I paused for a moment before giving her my consent. She came in and sat down on the dressing table chair. Her sovereignty could not be lost, even in a moment like this where she was totally vulnerable to me.
"Darling, I want to apologize to you about what happened in New York."
Still, I remained quiet, but my eyes fixated on her.
"Sarah, don't look at me that way. What I did in no way affects the way I feel about you, you are my granddaughter, I love you and I was only trying to make your life as perfect as it could be."
She eyed me, as I kept my lips pursed together tightly, trying my best not to lash out at her.
"I feel awful. I really do, you know how much you mean to me. It's just like you told me when you a little girl, we're kindred spirits." she sighed as the memory came back to her, "You were 4, it was right before your father passed. You were such a beautiful little thing, round little cheeks, emerald green eyes and long eyelashes…and you crawled up next to me after church one day, placed your little hand on top of my own and told me, 'Nan, I love you, we're kindred spirits, for all of forever,' I remember that as if it were yesterday."
I averted my eyes so she couldn't see the tears that had begun to water my eyes, but she knew she had gotten to me. I did remember that day, barely, but I did. She was the only maternal figure I had ever had and our closeness could never be matched, at least until Harry came into my life. But she had been there since the beginning…
But, I reminded myself, that whole time, she was lying to you.
"Sarah, please say something." she nearly pleaded.
I looked back up at her and rose to my feet. "I think you should leave."
Now it was her turn to hide her tears from me. She turned her head down and looked to the floor, "I wish you would just understand why I did it."
"How can I when you still haven't given me a reason. Telling me you did it because you love me was a reason when I was younger, but now…there is no excuse; for why you didn't tell and for why you supported their behavior."
She snapped her head up quickly, "Ruth didn't deserve him-"
I held my hand up, "No! They were engaged, my father asked her to marry him and promises were made that should have been kept."
"And if had been that way, you, George and Rose would have never been born."
I didn't understand where she was going by saying that but it infuriated me even more, trying to use my own non-existence against me, "Yes, but things would have been morally right. Now please leave."
She stood up, her eyes the tears in her eyes gleaming in the morning light that flooded in through my windows, "I came here to make my peace, you, obviously, don't wish to do that."
"All I want is peace! Do you think I enjoy having all of the drama and tribulations of a Shakespearean play as part of my everyday life? None of this is fair, I didn't ask for any of this!"
"I know you didn't and I never meant to hurt you-"
"But that's exactly what you did. I have no idea who you are! I grew up thinking of you as a perfect person; benevolent, kind, not a touch of cruelty, but you are cruel! Aunt Ruth has lived her life in misery because of you-"
"You're defending her, after everything she has said to you!"
"I am defending myself, because someone has to! And while we are on that subject, my marrying Taylor Hockley is not even up for consideration!"
She seemed to shrink right before my very eyes and asked, meekly, "How did you find out about that?"
I sighed, "Cal told me."
She had been caught, and she knew it. "He expressed interest in marrying you as well."
"No!"
She regained her stature quickly and glared down at me, making me regret I had ever brought up the subject of Taylor, "I am you grandmother and I will choose the one who the most suited for you."
"I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own!" I said in a tone that even surprised me.
"I have a right mind to-"
"Uh, Sarah, it's about time for us to leave, the hearings start at ten." Grandfather interrupted from the doorway.
Both of our head snapped quickly in his direction and I could see the annoyance written all of his face.
Nan looked back at me and I scowled at her, "Maybe I will see you there….Good day, Jared." she said quickly and then left the room.
Both Grandfather and I watched as she walked down the short hallway and out the front door. It slammed hard, echoing all the way back down to my room, causing me to jump.
Grandfather turned to me and sighed heavily, "I'm sorry, she requested to see you."
I shook my head at him, "Don't be, let's just go." I reached for the handbag I had used the day before and my coat and hat and followed grandfather out of the suite, down the hall and downstairs where there was a car waiting to take us to the hearings.
Harry…
"Harry what are you doing out here?"
I looked up from the spot on the floor that I had been staring at and up at Lights who had just approached me. I was sitting outside of the room where the hearings were being held, waiting for Sarah to arrive. It was getting close to ten and she still hadn't arrived and I was beginning to worry.
"Waiting for Sarah." I told him.
He sat down next to me, "I'll keep you company then."
More people began to file into the room, senators and such all looking down at us with their noses jetted straight up into the air.
"Are you nervous?" he asked.
"I wasn't until I got here this morning."
He put his hand on my shoulder and assured me that everything was going to be fine, but I wasn't so sure. After last night, I felt suddenly out of control of my own life. Mr. Wilkes had been kind enough to set up a moment for me to ask Sarah to marry me, in the proper way (apparently a pocket watch wasn't proper enough for him), and I hadn't done it. Not that I hadn't tried. All through dinner I kept telling myself after dinner, and then AFTER dinner came and went and I still hadn't. I reasoned with myself that I should tell her about Rose first, but then had a feeling she wasn't going to be in any type of mood to receive a gift of my undying love when I had just broken her heart. I kept procrastinating and before I knew it I was kissing her good-bye and walking out the door.
I still had the ring in my coat pocket, and it was lying next to me on the bench where I sat, just waiting to be slipped onto her finger.
"It's nothing, Harry. Pitman and Boxhall will tell you that."
"I know."
"They're going to ask you the same thing they asked us, maybe more sense you had the good sense to go back."
It's amazing how just a single sentence could send a mind whirling down a spiral and into hell within just a matter of seconds. I hadn't thought of it before and I didn't know why it didn't really occur to me until this moment…
Rose
They were going to ask me about her, and I couldn't lie, I would be under oath.
Bloody hell.
I ram my hands furiously through my hair and let my gaze fall back down to the ground.
"Hey, perk up, your girl is coming."
I looked up quickly and saw Sarah walking towards me, in a black dress of course. I'd give anything to see her in color again.
Rose isn't dead, so there is no sense in her wearing it in the first place.
"Good morning." I said rising.
She smiled brightly at me, "Good morning…Good morning, Mr. Lightoller." she replied turning to Lights, who took her hand and kissed it.
"Good morning, Miss Wilkes."
"Where is your grandfather?" I asked.
"He'll be along in a moment." she replied.
Lights nodded, "I think I'll head on inside…I'll see you two in there."
He bid us good-bye and went inside the room. I immediately reached for Sarah's hand and squeezed it tightly. She turned to me and I looked down at her beautiful face; her soft skin, her piercing eyes, and those lips that I wanted nothing more than to my press my own against, and told her I loved her in the silent movement of my lips.
She smiled softly and told me the same.
"Do you mean that?" I asked, in a low whisper. Guilt was ravaging me from the inside and I needed to know for sure, just for my own sake.
She looked confused, but nodded her head, "Of course I do."
I struggled for a moment, trying to find the words that I wanted to say next, when for reasons unknown to me, both Sarah and I turned towards the crowd of people that was now forming to my right and saw Hockley standing there.
He looked like he had had a run in with someone who felt the same way about him as I did. There was an obvious bruise on his nose and cheek. He smiled at us, but it was the kind of smile that made your stomach turn.
"It won't be too long now." he said and continued on into the room.
I clenched my fists in anger and glared in his direction, "I'm going to kill him."
Sarah put her hand gently on top of mine and used her other to turn my gaze back to her, "No, you're not. He's not worth it. You're going to be a gentleman and walk into the room with your held high and not even notice him. You need to have your wits about when you give your testimony today."
I shifted uncomfortably, realizing this was my last chance to tell her about Rose, before it came out in my testimony, and even if it didn't, she had to know, I wasn't going to keep lying to her. "Speaking of that, I need to talk to you about-"
"Ah Sarah, there you are."
Sarah turned around as I looked up and we both saw her grandfather approaching us.
"Mr. Lowe, very nice to see you again."
"And you sir." I said, trying to hide the discontent in my voice.
Thankfully neither one of them noticed and Mr. Wilkes turned Sarah towards him and informed her that her Grandmother was going to be joining them. Sarah looked angry, for reasons I didn't understand. I hadn't wanted to say anything, but she hadn't mentioned her Grandmother in a few days and I was wondering if they had had a disagreement.
I prayed that if they had that it wasn't about me, but I knew that if it was anything important she would have told me, so I didn't dwell on it.
Sarah and her grandfather spoke for a few minutes longer and before I had a chance to steal her back it was announced that it was time to begin.
Later…
I sat right in between Lights and Sarah. He to my left and she to my right and of course her grandfather was right next to her, but I didn't see her Grandmother, not that I knew what she looked like, but I expected her to be somewhere near Sarah, but she wasn't.
Senator Smith brought the room to order and announced the first person, Frederick Fleet; a lookout who had been on duty the night of the collision with the iceberg. He had begun his testimony the day before and was finishing it this morning.
They discussed his eyesight and such but I couldn't focus on much else. I kept looking over at Sarah wanting to drag her out the room and to somewhere private where I could tell her everything, but the chance never came up and before I knew my name was being called.
Sarah looked over at me and gave me a supportive smile, but as I rose from the chair and made my way towards the front of the room I wanted nothing more than too throw up and then run from the room.
I was sworn in by Senator Smith and sat down in the chair that was provided and faced the senator himself, rather than look out onto the entire room.
"Will you give your full name to the reporter?" he asked.
"Harold Godfrey Lowe." I responded.
"Where do you reside?"
I cleared my throat, "In North Wales."
"How old are you?"
"Twenty-nine."
"What is your business?"
"Seaman."
"And how long have you been engaged in that business?"
"Fourteen years."
"What experience have you had?"
I took a breath, "I suppose I have had experience with every ship afloat, from the schooner to the square rigged sailing vessel, and from that to steamships of all sizes.
He looked at me, almost staring me down, "So you have been employed on sailing vessels-
"In pretty much every branch of the mercantile marine." I interrupted.
He stopped short and looked at me with raised eyebrows, then went on. "Describe, if you will, the general nature of your employment as a mariner, beginning with your first experience."
"As a sailor? It will be very long."
He gave me an odd smile, "Make it as brief as you can."
I turned and looked over at Sarah. She looked so pretty and confident and her certainty floated over the heads of the people in front of us and inside of me. I turned back to Senator Smith and began, "I ran away from home when I was about 14, and I went in a schooner. I was in seven schooners altogether, and my father wanted to apprentice me but I said I would not be apprenticed; that I was not going to work for anybody for nothing, without any money; that I wanted to be paid for my labor. That was previous to my running away. He took me to Liverpool to a lot of offices there, and I told him once for all that I meant what I said. I said, "I am not going to be apprenticed, and that settles it." So of course I ran away and went on these schooners, and from there I went to square-rigged sailing ships and from there to steam, and got all my certificates, and then for five years on the West African coast in the service there, and from there I joined the White Star Line."
"When did you join the White Star Line?" he asked not missing a beat.
I thought for a moment, "About 15 months ago."
"And the nature of your employment?"
"I was a junior officer."
"On what ship?"
"I was third on the Tropic and the Belgic, and then I was sent to Titanic."
"When did you join the Titanic?"
"March 21, in Belfast."
He then asked me about the trials that we had taken the ship out on in Belfast. I told him what my job was and he asked about the lifeboats, where they were located and if we had properly tested them.
We talked about our arrival in Southampton, sailing day and the weather for the few days we were at sea, and then finally we arrived to the day of the collision.
"Were you on duty on Sunday evening, the night of the accident?"
"I was on duty on Sunday evening, sir, from 6 p. m. to 8 p. m., and at 8 p. m. I went below."
"Were you on duty again that night, to the time of the accident?"
"No, I was not sir."
"And where were you assigned; where was your station during those two hours, from 6 to 8 o'clock?"
"From 6 to 8 I was busy working out this slip table as I told you before, and doing various odds and ends and working a dead-reckoning position for 8 o'clock p. m. to hand in to the captain, or the commander of the ship."
"What would that indicate?"
"That was to indicate time position of the ship at that time, 8 o'clock." I told him.
"Do you know what the position of time ship was at 8 o'clock?"
Regretfully, I shook my head, "No, sir, I don't remember."
"Did you make a report to the captain?"
"I handed him the slip report."
"Did you hand it to him personally?"
"No, I put it on his chart-room table."
"Did you call his personal attention to it?"
"No; we never do. We put the slip on the table; put a paper weight or something on it, and he comes in and sees it. It is nothing of any great importance."
"What did you do it for?"
"It has always been done, so that the position of the ship might be filled in the night order book."
"Does that not constitute a part of the history of that voyage and become a part of the log?"
"I am not saying it was not important for this one voyage; I am saying that in the general run of things it is not of any importance."
"That is, if there is no accident?"
"Yes; because there are thousands of things done previously-"
"But in the event of an accident?" he interrupted.
"Oh, yes; it would play an important part then." I agreed.
"You then went below, after you delivered that?"
"I went to bed at 8 o'clock," I looked over at Sarah and we exchanged small smiles.
"When were you on duty before that, on Sunday?
"From noon until 4 p. m.
"And off for two hours?
"Off for two hours; and then on again.
"You have fixed the position, or did fix the position, of that ship at 8 o'clock p. m.?
"At 8 p. m.; yes, sir.
"And you did report to the captain of the ship?
"Yes, sir.
He then paused for a moment and turned to me, stopping dead in his tracks, "There have been reports Mr. Lowe, that you were under the influence that evening…are you a temperate man?"
The question, which had come out of no where, was very insulting and it took everything I had not to snap at him, "I am sir, I have never drank in my life. I'm an abstainer."
In an almost comical way, he smiled. "I'm very glad to hear you say that."
"I say it, sir, without fear of contradiction."
"I am not contradicting you, and I congratulate you upon it; but so many stories have been circulated one has just been passed up to me now, from a reputable man, who says it was reported that you were drinking that night."
"Me, sir?"
"That is the reason I asked the question."
"No, sir, I wasn't."
"That there might not be any misunderstanding about it, I asked that question. You retired at 8 o'clock that night?"
"I was relieved from the ship at 8 o'clock." I said with a nod.
"Where was your room?"
"On the boat deck. It had no number it was simply called, 5th officer."
"What time did you go to bed that evening?"
It had to have been well after 9 before I had fallen asleep that night, but I was not about to tell him that. I looked over at Sarah and then back at him and answered, "Between 8:15 and 8:30."
"What time were you awakened?"
I thought back. Sarah had left my room around 11:15. I knew that because of what she had recounted to me a few days before. It couldn't have been any earlier considering where her room was on the ship and when she had felt the engines stop at 11:30. "I don't remember sir." I answered honestly.
I told him that when I had woken up, it was because of the voices outside of my window and that upon coming out to investigate I saw the passengers in their lifebelts and asked someone what had happened. I told him that just by walking on the ship I could tell something wasn't right and thought the ship to already be angled 12 or 15 degrees.
"What did you do after you went out on the deck and ascertained the position of the ship in the water, and saw what had occurred?"
"I crossed over to the starboard side and assisted Mr. Wilde in lowering Number 5."
For the next 15 minutes we discussed the lifeboats and how I went about loading them. He asked many questions about all of that, things I thought he would have picked up by now, considering he had been talking with an officer everyday since the trial began.
He began to get obviously agitated with me, especially when he asked me about lowering 3 and 5. It hadn't been pull, only 32 people aboard and he seemed to think that I had wanted it that way. In truth not many people wanted to get on the boat. It's not like I could physically pick them up and put them on myself. It was getting harder and harder to hold my temper with this man.
The thought of that little girl was still etched in my mind. I could still see her face; those eyes looking up at me, stabbing at my heart.
"Mr. Lowe, I'm asking you how many woman were in boat 3."
I shook myself out of my thoughts and answered, "I do not know sir. I know there must have been pretty nearly an equal percentage of men and women in No. 3.
"How do you know that?
"Because there were not many women there.
"Not many women there to respond?
"No, sir.
"And so you took men?
"Yes, sir; so as to get the lifeboats away.
"And you do not know what men were in No. 3?
"No, sir."
"Were there any children."
I thought of that little girl again before I answered, "Some, from I can remember."
Thankfully we moved away from the subject and soon came upon myself and 14. Again, he managed to ask the most ignorant questions, and I answered each and every one of them, even when he wasn't making any sense.
Then it came the part I had been dreading, every since we had started…
"You were the only lifeboat to go back and look for survivors among the wreckage, how many did you find?"
I paused, and then answered, "Five."
"Five…a Mr. Lang, Mr. Stewart, Mr. Hoyt, Mr. Phillimore and a woman, correct?"
I took a breath, "Yes."
"Do you remember her name?"
I shook my head, "No, sir, I don't."
It took me a moment but I then realized that he didn't know either. How that had happened, I didn't know, but none the less it had.
I was so relieved that I hadn't been forced to lie or to have Sarah hear the truth about Rose in a room full of people that I eagerly answered every question he fired at me after that and before I knew it, he was asking me to step down.
"Senator Smith, I would like a chance to ask Mr. Lowe a few questions, if that's alright." spoke up another senator.
Senator Smith looked back at me and then to the other senator, "Yes, Senator Roberts, that's fine." he went to sit down, while this Senator Robert's rose from his seat and came over towards me.
"Please sit back down, Mr. Lowe."
I sat, not quite sure what else there was to ask of me.
"Mr. Lowe, as it's already known, you were the ship 5th officer, and you stated that you have been with White Star Line for over a year, is that correct?"
"Yes, sir, it is."
"Now, just as with any job, there are certain rules that you must follow and in your case one of those rules is that a ships crew must have as little contact with the passengers as possible."
"Sir, that's more of a guideline."
"But it is frowned upon all the same isn't it?"
"I suppose-"
"Good, now I will ask my next question. Miss Sarah Wilkes, a first class passenger…you two developed a relationship, is that true?"
"Yes, sir."
"Can you describe that relationship please?"
I looked at Sarah, who looked just as confused as I felt, and then quickly looked away before anyone noticed, "Describe? Well I met her when she accompanied Mr. Andrews to the bridge one day and he asked me to show her around."
"Mr. Andrews did?"
"Yes, sir."
"When was that?"
"The 12th, I believe."
"Now is it not a guideline of the White Star Line that crew should have little to no contact with the ship's passengers."
"Uh, yes, sir it is."
"Then why, after showing Miss Wilkes the ship did you contain over the next few days to have contact with her."
"I believe we just enjoyed the other's company."
He looked over at Sarah and then back at me, "Yes, she does look to be good company."
"Sir, that's not what I meant. Miss Wilkes is a lady and I have treated her as such since the day we met on the ship."
"Senator may I asked where you are going with this?" Senator Smith spoke up.
"Please, just a few more questions senator, I am just trying to prove the claim of Mr. Lowe's responsibility on board the ship, may I continue?'
Senator Smith, to my dismay, allowed it.
"You treated her as a lady you say?"
"Yes, I did."
He nodded, and I could feel Hockley's eyes on me again, he seemed to be sitting on the edge of his seat. Tension began to build up inside of me and I could feel the pressure weighing me down.
"I am not a gambling man, Mr. Lowe, but I am willing to bet that many men would not see you having Miss Wilkes alone in your cabin on the night of the collision as treating her like a lady."
People all around the room gasped and my head snapped towards him, not believing he had just said that. Then my mind immediately went to Sarah.
She sat there frozen in her seat, white as a sheet. I gulped back, not knowing what to do. Then I saw him, his face different from all of the others, there was a horrific happiness in the smile that he wore.
Hockley!
"Order, Order! Please come to order!" Senator Smith yelled over the crowd, but no one listened. Everyone was talking amongst themselves and their eyes were all on her, even her grandfather.
She looked at me, her jaw trembling and suddenly leapt up from her chair, pushed past Lights and ran out of the room. I stood up to go after her.
"Mr. Lowe-" Senator Robert's started but I pushed him out of my way and ran out of the room to find Sarah. She was at the end of the hallway standing by a window tears pouring from her eyes and she looked up at me, scared and helpless.
"It's just amazing how this all worked out, isn't it?"
I turned and came face to face with Hockley. Angrily I pushed him against the wall, "What did you do bribe him!"
"You're acting as if you didn't expect that. Pity, I anticipated you to have more intelligence than that."
"You god damn…" I raised my fist and was ready to throw a punch when someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.
"Don't!"
"Get your bloody hands off of me!"
It was Lights. He pulled me away from Hockley and Hockley evil smile aimed itself towards me.
"Stop, Harry!"
I ignored him though, "YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART DON'T YOU! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE HER FROM ME!"
"I already have. No man in decent society will want her now that she's been with the likes of you. She's mine for the taking, I'll probably get twice the dowry than you would have ever had, just to get her off her Grandmother's hands." he replied curtly.
That was it, this had gone far enough. With strength I didn't know I had, I pulled myself out of Lights' grasp and lunged at him and threw a punch at his face, then his stomach, anywhere I could get. He fell to the floor and I followed him, not wanting him to get away with any of this.
It took three men to pull me off of him; Lights, Boxhall, who had come out of the room, and another who I didn't know.
"Will you stop it?" Lights hissed at me, "Go to her, she just had all of her decency ripped away from her in a room full of people and the last thing she needs to see is you getting arrested."
I took his advice and practically ran down the hallway to Sarah, who had seen the whole thing and watched Hockley struggle to get back up off the floor. I had to physically turn her away from the sight and brought her into my arms.
"Young man, I order you to get your hands off of my granddaughter this instant!"
I turned away just in time for an older woman to pull me away from Sarah and then grabbed her roughly by the arm, Sarah's face contorted in pain, but she didn't try and free herself.
"Get away now, or I'll summon the policeman!"
"Hailey be reasonable!" Mr. Wilkes said, approaching us.
"Sarah is my responsibility and this young man has taken advantage of her! Forced himself on her I'm sure! Look at her, she's petrified of him."
"I highly doubt that that's why she's in such a state-"
"I'm taking her home! Today!"
"No!" I reached for Sarah but the woman, who obviously was her grandmother, shot daggers at me with her eyes.
"Don't you come near her! You have ruined her life; no man will ever want her now! I intend to get a court order to keep her away from you. Come Sarah…" she pulled Sarah away from Mr. Wilkes and me and down the hall towards the buildings front doors. Sarah didn't pull her eyes off of me until she turned a corner and disappeared altogether.
I damned Hockley and turned back to look at the sorry state he was in. Two men were helping him off the floor and he was bruised and bloodied, but I couldn't have cared less. A part of me wanted to make his day and tell him that Rose was alive, but I wasn't going to ruin three lives today. Turning back towards the direction that Sarah had gone, I vowed to get her back. I had to, there was no questioning that.
Alright, to bed I go. Leave me nice reviews (not that you guys ever give me BAD ones lol) who knows maybe they'll make my road to recovery less bumpy…and wow that was long…14 pages…whew!