Chapter 49

"It's not too late…you know it isn't."

She smiled and it was frightening how calm she appeared to be, to know that within a few seconds she would be jumping back onto the ship that was going to carry her to death. As if an invisible force was holding me down, I watched as she flung herself from the safety of our lifeboat and back on board the Titanic.

I felt my heart sink as I watched her disappear from my sight into a crowd of others all as doomed as she.

"Come back!" I wanted to scream, "Come back! Rose!" but she didn't. I yelled louder, and louder, maybe just maybe she would hear me.

Thursday, May 9, 1912- Early morning

"Rose! No, COME BACK! ROSE!"

"Miss Sarah! Miss Sarah, wake up!"

I pulled myself out of the nightmare and opened my eyes to find that I wasn't in a lifeboat, but in my own bedroom in Philadelphia, staring right into Brigit's concerned blue eyes. She clutched me tightly by the shoulders and I could feel her practically shaking me out of my delirium.

My heart was pounding and my breathing erratic and I had to look around the room for a long moment just to reassure myself that I was actually where I thought I was. I saw the high ceiling, the decorative molding over the doorways, the light oak furniture and the mauve colored walls, yes this was my room. I felt confident of that and turned back to Brigit, whose face was now filled with worry.

"Miss, it's nearly 4 in the morning..."

I took her word for it, since Nan had taken the liberty of shutting me away from the rest of the world the moment we had arrived here almost a week ago; this included locking me in my room, putting dark curtains in my windows and only allowing herself and Hannah to come into contact with me. Sometimes it felt as if I had lost all concept of time, and I didn't have the strength to fight her about any of it.

The day that everything happened I thought I had a good handle of my life and the choices I was making. For the first time in my life I felt completely responsible and in control of what was going on around me, but the moment that everything had come out I felt as if I had been accosted from behind and had it all ripped away from me. Since then I had hadn't said more than two words to Nan and found myself going farther and farther into my isolated world, secluding myself from reality and all the pain that was out there waiting for me.

Everyone knew what had happened. Nan pointed this out the day we left New York, the papers were filled with the gossip and people of all circles filled in the gaps themselves. I was being called all sorts of names and they all assumed the worst. Nan was right; I would never be able to show my face in society again, though, that was the least of my worries, I could have cared less about balls and elegant parties, all I wanted was Harry.

I wasn't allowed to see any of the papers, so I didn't know what had happened with the hearings, they could have ended, and they could have not. I had never been allowed to give my testimony.

I assumed that Nan had done something to make sure that I didn't speak although I couldn't imagine what, but I didn't bother to dwell on the thought. When I wasn't having nightmares or succumbing to my own misery, I couldn't think of anything else except for Harry. I knew that if he were here my world would be suddenly more vibrant and my melancholy mood would vanish. But he wasn't here, and I believed Nan when she told me that she'd never let him near me again.

"Miss, are you alright?"

Leaving my thoughts, I turned to Brigit and looked at her with a blank expression, not sure how to respond to her question. Brigit had been more than kind to me since we had gotten here. I think she honestly felt sorry for me. Because of my nightmares, she had taken to sleeping in the room that adjoined mine that had once been my nurse's room when I was a child.

"How about a nice warm bath, it will help you relax." She suggested. I didn't answer, but she got up anyway and headed into the bathroom and I could hear her turn on the faucet for the tub. A few moments later she came back for me and helped me up from my bed and guided me carefully to the bathroom.

The bathtub was filled with warm water and I could smell the rose oil she had put in the water. She helped me undress and then lent me a hand as I stepped into the water. I sat down and stretched my body out, laying my head on the edge of the tub with my feet towards the faucet.

"There is that better?"

I nodded, it really was. I felt relaxed and it was welcome change from the misery I had been in for so long. She smiled and patted the top of my head,

"I'm going to go change your linens, alright. If you need me just call."

Again I nodded and let my eyes close as she left the room. The scent of roses that was around me was taking me away from the place I was at and I began to feel lightheaded and suddenly very tired. The bathroom was quiet and the water calm and I began to doze.

"Quick, before they see us…no, no this way."

We both giggled softly and navigated our way through the darkness away from the crowd inside the house. I clutched tightly to Rose's hand and let her lead me off towards the side of the house.

We ducked down behind a particularly tall hedge and laughed until it hurt.

Tonight Rose had come out and joined the hundreds of other blushing debutants in their long gloves and perfect white gowns, speaking of which she still wore, even as we sat down on the grassy earth and fell back against the side of the house.

"Oh god I just had to get out of there!" she exclaimed and reached for the pins in her hair, pulling them out so roughly they snarled up and I had to help her. "Thank you. Did you see them all, Sarah? So prim and proper, it was the worst acting I had ever seen. "

I nodded, agreeing with her, "Well it will all be over soon."

"Will it? I'm sure I'll be engaged by summer's end…no, I don't want to think about that now. Here…" she reached into her small purse and pulled out a flask. She took a long swig of it and then offered it to me. Without thinking and wanting so much to be like her, I took it and copied her motions as best as I could. The liquid was hot and burned all the way down my throat. I made a face and handed it back to her and she laughed.

"Oh Sarah, you're so pure."

"No, I'm not."

She took another drink, "Oh yes you are." She replied with a puckered face, "You're perfect. Everyone says so. You've got that perfect S-shape that's chic and fashionable, you're hair is perfect, your skin…flawless, and what's more…you have a perfect life."

"Rose, that's silly. No one has a perfect life."

She offered me the flask again, this time I refused and she took another drink, this one longer. "Do you know what I really want from my life?"

I shook my head.

"Freedom, just freedom. I've been on a chain my whole life, kept away from anything exciting, anything that could possibly make me into an individual. Don't you hate that?"

I didn't know what to say; instead I laid a reassuring hand on top of hers.

She sighed heavily and then turned back towards the house, where the music had begun to play again. It was a beautiful waltz, but Rose looked as if it were a funeral march. "One day, I'll be free…" she turned back to me, "And hopefully you will too."

I floated on, from one memory to the next.

The stars were bright and the air was cool and my mind was whirling, partially from inebriation, but mostly from love.

"I love you." I told him.

I could see his sweet smile, feel his touch and hear those tender, adoring words, "I love you too…"

I opened my eyes and sat up in the tub. Rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands, I tried to make the sick feeling inside of me go away. I wondered where he was right now. Did he miss me as much as I missed him? Was I ever going to see him again? I thought of how very different things would have been if I hadn't let Nan drag me away from him.

I regretted it now, but then I couldn't see any other option. But what if I had refused her and gone into Harry's waiting arms, where would we be right now? I imagined that we would have eloped and gone on a romantic honeymoon, but that was just a silly fantasy. There was no way of knowing whether or not that would have happened, because I couldn't turn back the clock.

I looked over and saw that my dressing gown was hanging up by the door. I lifted my self out of the tub and reached for it. I stepped carefully out and wrapped it snuggly around my body. I was just about to start for the doorway when I felt all the energy drain out of my body. Shaking, I bent over and grasped the tub and slowly lowered myself to the floor.

I didn't feel right, something was different. Fortunately Brigit chose that moment to come back into the room and rushed to my side immediately.

"Miss, what is it?"

"I don't…"

"What?" she asked in a worrisome voice.

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words were to be found. I was dizzy again, and sick…I felt so sick. Brigit's face began to blur as did the entire bathroom and then it all went black. I began to fall and that's the last thing that I remember.

Later that afternoon…

When I woke up, I could not tell how long I had been out, but I could just feel that it had been more than a few hours. The room was completely dark except for the small lamp over by the bay window. I moaned and attempted to sit up, but I was so sore that my body cried out in pain when I moved even slightly.

"Oh no, Miss, let's stay still." Brigit's voice told me. She came out of the darkness and was at my side quickly. "Lay back down and rest."

"What happened?" I asked almost deliriously.

"You collapsed, but it's all right, Dr. Boyer has been to see you and gave your Grandmother quite a scolding for the way she's been treating you. He says what you need is some fresh air and sunshine." She replied, smoothing my hair back.

"I want Harry." I told her.

She gave me an empathetic smile and shook her head, "Miss, I'm sorry but I-"

"No allow me to tell her, Brigit. A good dose of reality will be good for her." Nan's voice boomed across the dark room, causing both Brigit and I to cower under its power. She approached the bed from the opposite of Brigit and stared down at me. The little bit of light that was in the room gave her face the effect of large dark shadows under her eyes, making her look almost like a monster. I felt like a child again and wished, more than anything, that I could bury my face under the soft blankets that covered me.

"You want Harry, do you? The man that took your innocence and labeled you whore for all of society to see. I thought I made it very clear that he is out of your life for good."

I wanted to scream at her, but the courage I needed to do it was nowhere to be found.

"You should be counting your lucky stars that I haven't cast you to the streets for your indiscretion, and don't think that the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but I have thought of something better, something that might actually help you after all."

She waited for me to ask her what it was, but when I did not she furiously sighed and came closer to the bed, resting her hand on the bedpost.

"My sister Isabel has arrived from Russia for Rose's memorial service tomorrow, she leaves for home in five days, and you, my darling, will be going back with her."

"No! No I won't!" I screamed, suddenly furious with her and her preposterous idea.

"Oh yes you will! The Russian socialites do not keep up with silly American scandal and you will blend in nicely there. Perhaps, if you're lucky your Aunt Isabel will be able to find a suitable husband for you, although I wouldn't count on it."

I looked to Brigit, panicked, but there was nothing she could do, she worked for my grandmother and any kind of kind look would surely get her fired. I looked around the room helplessly, but there was no one there to rescue you from the fate that Nan had just put before me.

"You can't do this!" I yelled at her.

"It's already been done. Your ticket has been bought and you will be leaving on the Adriatic next Wednesday with your Aunt Isabel and you will be living in St. Petersburg with her and her husband, your Uncle Serge. That is all I want to hear on the subject, now Brigit I want you to take my granddaughter outside and get some fresh air in her lungs, apparently that is essential. Dress her nicely, and make sure she has some color to her before you bring her back in." she said her words firmly and gave me one final warning look before she marched out of my room and slammed the door behind her.

Oh God, Harry, please, wherever you are, please come and help me…

I hope everyone has Happy Holidays, no matter what you celebrate! And oh yeah, check out the forum that Kate started for the story! Its located in the forum section of Titanic (obviously) and not only am I flattered by it, but its fun to see people discussing my writing. So get your booty's over there and join the party! lol

Chapter title inspired by 'I Cry' by Westlife