Thank you so much to Kate and Tipper for helping me out with this chapter. I owe a lot to them and hope everyone enjoys it!

Chapter 54

May 14, 1912

Sarah-

The next morning greeted us with bright sunshine and damp cool air that hung in light wisps of fog that had come in off of the river and I made it a point to open my bedroom window and inhale as much of it sweetness as possible. It was one of the rare moments alone that I had that day. Around 8 o'clock, a maid came in to help me dress in a dress that Nan had picked out; a blue twill that fell straight on my body and gold and blue jacket to go over it.

The rest of the morning went by quickly and before I knew it, we were leaving for the pier. The sailing of the Adriatic far less acknowledged than the Titanic had been, but I preferred it that way. There was only a small crowd gathered near the large, but not very opulent, Adriatic.

Nan had ridden with us in the car, but had not said a word to me, nor did I to her, at all that morning. Aunt Isabel, who seemed quite pained to have me as part of her entourage, kept the conversation going with Uncle Serge, who's only response to her words were nods, shakes, and grunts. However, her other traveling companion devoted all of its attention to her, a small powder puff of a dog who's name was Mishka.

She was an interesting animal, who wasn't quite an animal at all. She wore two pink bows in her hair right in front of her ears and was brushed and groomed to perfection. The only person who she seemed to like was Aunt Isabel, who treated her as if she were a newborn child. Every time Uncle Serge would get near her she would growl and her mouth would curl up so that her teeth would show. She even had a problem with Nan, though she didn't react as badly towards her as she did with Uncle Serge.

When the car came to a stop at the first class platform entrance, I somberly got out of the vehicle and adjusted my hat and gloves, not acknowledging any of my surroundings. When Aunt Isabel emerged from the car just after I did, clutching Mishka snuggly in her arms she called to a steward,

"Yoo hoo, you there." She called in such a sweet voice that it actually pained my teeth, "Please see to our luggage…Serge!" she turned to Uncle Serge who had just gotten out of the car. He went to the steward looking annoyed and handed him some money and told him where to take the luggage.

Nan was the last to get out and caught my gaze when she did so, but I quickly turned away and found myself staring up at the huge ship that was taking me to back to England and felt fear grab hold of me. It was sudden and lasted only a moment, but it was enough to shock me. It was not any wonder to me why it had happened; after all, it was only a month ago…had it been that long? Yes, today was the 14th, and tonight at 11:30 it would be exactly, a month since it all happened.

"Sarah." Nan's voice said softly, pulling me out of my trance. I kept my gaze firmly planted on the ship, even though I heard her words as clear as day.

"I can see that you still have not come around." She replied, seeing that I had not responded to her words, "I do not know why I thought that you would, but you should at least have the decency to say good-bye to me." Her voice was barely above a whisper, but I could hear the firmness in it and I reluctantly found myself turning to her.

"Good-bye." I said, feeling rebellious and guilty at the same time.

I could see how much I hurt her, but I kept my face as emotionless as I could and turned back to the ship. She sighed heavily, leaned over, and kissed me on the cheek, but I could not tell if it was for show or if she really cared. After that she got back into the car, I joined Aunt Isabel, Mishka and Uncle Serge, and we all followed the other first class passengers up toward the first class entrance of the ship.

Once on board, Aunt Isabel led the way to the suite that the three of us would be sharing. Suite A-14 had two bedrooms, a sitting room and two washrooms. Aunt Isabel had three maids who had been sent to the ship earlier that day and were there to meet us when we walked in. They took Aunt Isabel's coat, parasol and gloves and Uncle Serge's hat and gloves, while I was left to fend for myself.

"Which is my room?" I asked out loud.

Aunt Isabel turned to me and then looked at one of the maids, "Anya." She called, she then turned back to me, "I don't like this arrangement anymore than you do, but it is what has to be done. Anya will help you with anything that you need. Wherever you go on this ship, she will follow, she doesn't speak English so there will be no use to try and connive her to do otherwise."

"I would never-"

"Sarah, I know everything that you have done and you can trust in the fact that your words mean very little to me. You are spoiled rotten just as your mother was and of course, just as it was with your mother, I have to clean up the mess my sister created. A suite of rooms at our home in St. Petersburg have been made up just for you, and there will be very strict rules that you are expected to follow while you are living with us and I see no reason why we can't start them right here…"

She began to rattle off a list of rules that included me not leaving the house without a proper escort, I would not speak to anyone unless introduced to them first and attending church with them on a daily basis.

"…Of course the most important rule, no men, unless myself or Serge has given our permission and even then you are to go no where alone. Is that clear?"

I nodded my head.

She smiled, "Good, I will not have what happened at my sisters house happen again in mine."

My eyebrows raised, "What?" I asked, visibly confused.

"Please, I saw you with that officer of yours. Right as that poor Hockley boy was being arrested, you were in his arms. I still do not understand how you got him into the house, or why he did not take you away for that matter. At least that way I wouldn't have to deal with you."

Was she talking about Mr. Lightoller? Oh lord, she was, "Aunt Isabel you don't-"

"I told you I didn't want to hear it. Anya…" she began speaking to her in Russian not giving me a chance to tell her that she had been sorely mistaken. I looked over and noticed that Uncle Serge's eyes were on me and he looked at me as if he knew what I wanted to say to his wife, but he kept his mouth closed and went out onto the private promenade deck of our suite.

I sighed heavily, realizing that in the end if I did correct her she would probably only think that I had not one but two men and that there were probably more. I would not put her past to her to think that I had had the whole crew of Titanic. Instead, I followed Anya into my room and sat down on the bed. I leaned back against the headboard and pressed my fingers to my head, feeling a headache coming on.

Outside the ship had started to pull away from the pier and began to my journey to the Russian imprisonment that Nan had sentenced me to.

Not long after I had found a relaxing position on the bed I found myself drifting off into a deep slumber and I awoke several hours later to a dark room and silence. From the movement of the ship underneath me I could tell that we were out in open water and this only confirmed my suspicion that I had been asleep for quite sometime. I sat up in the bed, but immediately found myself lying back down. My limbs felt limp and my headache was worse than it had been before I lay down. I was still in my clothes and realized that it I wanted to stay in bed that I should undress, at least that way I would be more comfortable.

I forced myself up, using the night table as an aid and carefully, on unsteady feet, made my way over to the one of the trunks that had not been unpacked yet and opened it searching for one of my nightgowns. I found one near the bottom and pulled it out. It was difficult but I managed to remove my dress and get my nightgown on all on my own. I then began to walk back to the bed, and then suddenly I felt so awful.

I barely made it to the bathroom and collapsed on the floor when it was over with. I could not understand why this was happening to me. I had eaten, I had tried to be more positive just as George had told me to, but it was not working, the closer and closer I came to Russia and the fate that awaited me there, it seemed the more upset I became. I felt doomed.

The reality of my destiny stabbed hard into my heart and I began to weep again. I had been naïve to think that I had been alone before when I had George, Brigit and even Taylor near me. Now I truly had no one. I had no idea where Harry was and although I had told Mr. Lightoller about what Nan and Aunt Isabel were doing, I had neglected to tell him when I was leaving. So far, all Harry and Grandfather knew I was still in Philadelphia. Through my despondence, I wondered what story Nan would concoct when Grandfather asked where I was.

My tears began to flow faster and my heartbeat picked up its pace when I began to think of what she could tell him. Her sudden softness towards me last night did not my make my anger towards her waver, if anything it gave it more fuel. She was cruel and heartless and I knew that she would only tell him lies about my whereabouts, trying to keep my imprisonment going far as long as possible. I chastised myself for falling victim to her lies all of my life and for her taking me away from the few people in the world that I trusted.

I became so upset with my contemplations and feelings that I found myself becoming sick again. It was worse this time, as if I had my back to the ocean and wave after wave kept hitting me harder and harder causing me to retch forward. I gagged from both it and the tears and could feel myself begin to slip from sanity. The room was spinning and my head was throbbing violently and I thought I was well on my way out of reality when I felt someone pull me back up. My eyes quickly came back into focus and for a moment everything stood still and I could see that, it was Anya. She was speaking me to me, I knew that because I could see her lips moving, but there was no sound. Her face then began to blur and my head pounded with more vengeance, but I struggled to keep her in focus. I thought I had achieved victory when I saw her eyes become clearer and then her mouth, but when all of the pieces had come together it was not Anya's face that I saw. It was Hannah's.

She was gray with blue lips and the icicles that hung from her hair framed her face. Cold and wet hands were digging themselves into my arms and I screamed as she moved closer to me,

"Get away from me!"

I somehow managed to get myself off the floor, but she stopped me before I could get out of the room, putting her arm around me,

"NO!" I cried, followed by another blood-curling scream. I threw all of my weight against her arm and managed to escape her grasp. I fumbled into my dark bedroom, not finding the solace I sought, but more faces; Jack, Mr. Moody, Mr. Andrews and then Rose…she was staring right at me with those piercing eyes of hers.

"No." I repeated, not believing the images before me. I shook my head hoping it would shake away what stood before me, but it only left me more confused and terrified. I did not know what to do; everywhere I turned, it seemed to get worse. Everything began to spin again and I remembered screaming one final time before running back into the wall and sliding to the floor.

Harry-

"They're a lot alike aren't they…her and the Titanic." Lights remarked, referring to the Adriatic.

I nodded, out of politeness rather than to continue the conversation. We had just come from dinner and were strolling down a corridor on A-Deck. Lights was doing his best to keep up the conversation, but I was resisting. He knew why, that was not a secret.

"Harry?"

"Hm?"

He sighed, annoyed with my lack of communication, "Look, I'm not asking you to forget about her, but hell, at least pull yourself out of this mood you've seemed fit to be in ever since I told you about her."

I shook my head, "Russia? Of all the bloody places in the world-"a woman in a maid's uniform was coming towards us and we both moved aside to let her pass, and wouldn't you know it, she thanked us in Russian.

Lights stifled a smile, "Seems that Russia isn't as far off as you previously thought."

I shook my head at the maid, who had disappeared into one of the first class suites and then turned back to Lights and shot him a glare, "That was unnecessary."

He smiled openly this time and we continued down the corridor, but I stopped suddenly when I heard the distinctive sound of scream coming from inside one of the rooms. Lights heard it to and we both turned around to the direction it had come from,

"Sounds like someone is scared." He remarked.

I nodded, somehow finding myself thinking that it was more than that.

"Probably some young newlyweds enjoying their first night together." He replied, humor lining his voice.

Somehow, it did not sound that way to me. I had heard that scream before and it had not been over something that trivial. I had heard it that night a month ago, only it was thousands of screams brought together into one. It had echoed off the cold waters of the Atlantic and into my memory and I knew that it had no intention of leaving.

"I need some air." I told him.

"Air again?"

"Yes, again."

I walked away from him and passed from one corridor into the next, making my way out into the dark night. I inhaled the breeze coming in off the water, approached the railing and pressed my hands into it. I looked out at the dark water, my mind wandering back to that corridor.

Something was wrong, I could feel it. It was the same feeling I had been getting after one of those awful dreams I had been having about Sarah. Things did not have to be this way; they could have been so much different.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small box that Mr. Wilkes had given to me before I had left this morning. Inside of it was Sarah's grandmother's wedding ring.

"Why are you giving this to me?" I asked, looking from the ring back up to him.

"You never know when it might come in handy." Was all he said.

I opened the box and examined the contents. I did not know much about jewelry, but I knew that this ring was worth an awful lot. It was silver; at least that is what it looked like, with a large square cut diamond in the center with two smaller ones on either side of it. Something that would look beautiful on Sarah's hand. That was if I ever got the chance to give it to her.

I snapped the box shut and clutched it tightly in my fist, the wind picked up around me and blew across my face sending chills throughout my body. I remembered that night a month ago, when yet again I had not had her near me. Then I had known where she was, now, I had no idea. She could be in Russia already, she could still be back with her grandmother in the states, I just did not know.

I hoped wherever she was though, she knew that I loved her and more than anything, I wanted her with me. Leaning on the railing, I looked straight down at the water and hoped the message would get to her.

May 15, 1912

Sarah-

"You are more trouble than your worth do you know that?" Aunt Isabel snapped at me.

It was the next morning and even I had to admit that last night had been an exasperating experience. I remembered exactly what had happened and tried to explain it all to her after Anya had pulled me out of my delirium, but she only looked at me as if I had escaped from the madhouse. I could not understand for the life of me why I had acted so irrationally and why I had seen the things that I had. I did not believe in ghosts or the supernatural, but they had seemed so real to me and I had been so terrified, that I just lost all sagacity and let myself go.

"I have a right mind to have this ship turned around and give you back to your grandmother."

"Oh Belle please, there is no way that could happen." Uncle Serge spoke up in his thick Russian accent as returned his coffee cup to its saucer.

"Well it's worth a try." She sighed heavily, "Seeing ghosts, screaming so loudly that the people below us probably thought a murder was being committed, she'll have the whole ship talking by the end of the day."

I picked up my teacup and sipped some of the fragrant liquid, trying to ignore my Aunt's prattle. I should have just kept quiet about the whole thing, told her I had a nightmare or something like that. That would not have been a lie exactly, it had been a nightmare, I just had not been asleep. In fact, after that I had forced myself to stay awake for the rest of the night. I was too afraid to sleep. It had not helped that my nausea had taken up residence inside of me ever since then. I was even more convinced now that something was wrong with me and after Aunt Isabel had awoken this morning I begged her to call for the doctor but she refused, telling me that he had more important things to do than examine an 'over zealous hypochondriac'.

When breakfast was over Aunt Isabel announced she was going to take a walk.

"Mishka, darling." She called and from the bedroom a high-pitched bark responded and a thump was heard as Mishka jumped off the bed and her little legs carried her quickly into the sitting room. She jumped into my Aunt's arms and lapped at her face with happiness. Uncle Serge approached Aunt Isabel with her coat and gloves and Mishka growled angrily as he neared her.

"Oh my little ray of sunshine, there's no need to be upset. Here…" she thrust the ball of fur towards me so she could put her coat on. Mishka's beady eyes looked at me, as though she was wondering what to make of the new person that was holding her, but Aunt Isabel was done before she could make a conclusion and she was back with her owner, barking and snuggling happily in my Aunt's arms. I shrugged and began to start for my room, but Aunt Isabel stopped me.

"Oh no you don't, you're as pale as a ghost, you need some fresh air, get yourself ready, you're coming with us."

Reluctantly I found a hat, gloves and light coat to match my pale pink dress and joined my Aunt and Uncle (and Mishka) and we made our way out to the promenade deck. The sun was bright and the air was pleasant, but my mood remained foul. The movement of the water under the ship seemed to more noticeable to me as I walked and could actually feel my stomach and head begin to move in accord with it.

"Aunt Isabel, I-"

"What a beautiful day, isn't it my little one." She replied, ignoring me and nuzzling Mishka close to her. Mishka barked in agreement while I staggered behind, feeling more and more ill with each passing step. Finally, she stopped when she saw someone she recognized and I was able to sit down in a deck chair and attempt to regain my composure. Aunt Isabel let Mishka down and she began to sniff around the deck, moving under other passenger's feet and causing some to nearly trip over. If I had felt better, this little duchess of a dog who thought herself to be better than everyone else would have probably amused me, but I was too consumed with how awful I felt to pay her any mind.

To escape the way I was feeling I allowed myself to become lost in a daze, but was yanked out of it abruptly by Aunt Isabel's screams.

"What is it?"

"WHERE IS SHE? MISHKA! MISHKAAAA!" she screamed moving around the deck so frantically you would have thought someone had kidnapped her child. Uncle Serge swooped in quickly and grabbed her,

"Isabel-"

"She's gone, GONE!"

"I'm sure she's around here somewhere."

"Oh Lord, what if-"she raced to the end of the deck and peered over the railing. There were very slight openings between the rail and the deck, and I could understand how Aunt Isabel could think that Mishka could have fit through one of them.

"I doubt that happened." Uncle Serge replied, "Sarah, why don't you go down the deck and see if you can find her. I am sure she just wandered off. We'll meet you back in the suite in 30 minutes."

I nodded and did as I was told. I stayed as far away from the railing as I could, not being able to look at the water underneath me. I am sure to a passerby I must have looked quite silly, possibly even intoxicated. I just felt so unsteady and nauseous. No one else seemed to have trouble moving except for me, or maybe that was just the way I felt. I had been to upset to eat anything at breakfast that morning and George's scolding words came back to me at that moment. I knew he was right, but the thought of eating only to have it make me sick later, was ignorant to me. I assumed to just not eat anything and so far, aside from the fact that I felt a bit woozy, it was working.

I looked for Mishka for what felt like a half hour, before going back to the suite to meet Uncle Serge and Aunt Isabel. However when I entered I found the room empty and decided to take advantage of situation and rest. I took off my hat and gloves and laid my coat over the back of a chair before falling onto the sofa in a relaxing position and it was not long after that I was sound asleep.

Harry-

There I was strolling down the deck minding my own business when out of nowhere a small furry thing came running towards me, complete with a silk pink bow in her hair that flapped as she moved. It honestly took me a moment to realize that it was a dog, but I leaned down and held my hand out for it to sniff me before I picked it up. It licked my face and the nuzzled its face into my arm.

I saw that there was a collar on it and turned the gold nametag over to see 'MISHKA' printed elegantly on it. I thought it was an interesting name and began to scan the deck to see if her owner was around anywhere. No one seemed to even notice her, let alone be a possible owner, so I moved down the deck to the direction she had come from and looked for any potential dog owners when suddenly a tall woman, in her sixties I guessed and obviously rich, came running towards me just as the dog had only moments before.

"MISHKA!" she said snatching the dog from my arms. She then proceeded to cover it in kisses and talk to it in sugary gibberish, like I sometimes hear my sister-in-law, Mary, does with my niece, Gwen.

"Oh my darling, you're alright!" she kissed her again, then checked her over, and then finally looked at me. Her well-aged face smiled softly at me and she kissed me on the cheek, "Such a sweet young man, saving my poor little darling. How can I ever repay you?"

"Madame, there's no need for that."

If possible, she smiled even more, "Oh yes there is, a brave fine looking fellow such as yourself should be used to things like this."

It took all I had to not burst out laughing when I heard her say that. I simply shook my head though about to bid her a good day when she looped her free arm through mine and began to walk me down the deck,

"Now, now there must be something that I can do for you." She said to me with a coy look in her eyes.

"No, really, there's no need."

She shook her head, "That's not what I wanted to hear. Now what is your name?" she asked sweetly.

"Harold-"

"Ah, what a lovely name. Harold, a handsome name to go with a handsome man. You're mother made the right choice."

"Uh, thank you. I'll be sure to tell her that."

"How old are you, Harold?"

"Twenty-nine, Madame." I replied, annoyed.

She nodded, still smiling and clutching the dog close to her, "When I was that age I was married with 5 children and one on the way, are you married?"

"No, I'm not."

"What a shame." She said with a pout on her lips, "You know, I have this friend on board, Mrs. Walker, and she has a daughter, Violet, who just turned 20. Oh, you must meet her. She is a very beautiful girl, blonde hair, blue eyes-"

I had been warned about this type of woman; told to avoid them at all costs and to free myself quickly from the web they could create quickly around you…they were matchmakers, and this woman seemed to have honed her skill quite well. I had to get out here and fast, with care I removed my arm from the loop she had created,

"I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm actually engaged."

She looked at me as if I was lying, "Oh? Engaged, anyone that I would know?"

"I highly doubt it."

"Well let me decide that for myself, tell me-"

"There you are." Another voice spoke up.

I turned around, never more glad in my life to see Lights. He walked towards me with Pitman following close behind him,

"We were wondering where-"he stopped when he saw that I had been talking to someone and started to step away kindly when the woman shot him a gaze that was as cold as ice.

"You!" she growled at him.

Lights looked confused, "Pardon?"

She looked enraged beyond reason, turned away from the three of us, and walked away quickly. Leaving the three of us to look at her and each other in mutual confusion.

"What in the world?" Pitman asked.

"Women!" Lights replied shaking his head in aggravation, "I've never even seen her before."

"She seems to know you though; at least she thinks she does." I told him.

He nodded, then stopped and his eyes moved from one side to the other as if he was trying to remember something. After a short bit, though, he gave up. Pitman laughed and began to imitate the old woman,

"YOU!" he said in a voice that cracked and pointed a shaky finger at him.

For the first time in, awhile I found myself amused and began to laugh along with Pitman. Lights glared at us, but we both knew that if the old woman had pointed at one of us he would be doing the same thing right now. We taunted him all the way back inside, where I felt more relaxed and strangely enough felt like I had taken a step closer to Sarah.

Sarah-

"…here on this ship, I can't believe it!"

"Will you be quiet; the girl is sleeping in the next room!"

"I don't care! If he finds out…well I just never recover from the shame. You need to make sure he stays away."

"What do you want me to do, follow him?"

I sat up, groggily and looked over the back of the sofa towards Uncle Serge and Aunt Isabel's bedroom. Still half-awake I rubbed my eyes and ran my fingers through hair that had become disheveled in my sleep. I wondered what they were talking about, or rather whom they were talking about.

Shrugging to myself I moved to put my feet on the floor and felt it come back. Annoyed, I hurried to the bathroom and did what was becoming a common practice to me. When it was over with, I went to the sink and turned on the faucet. I let the water run between my fingers before deciding it was the right temperature and then splashed some on my face. I reached for a towel and wiped away the water, it was then that I caught my reflection in the mirror and all thoughts about Aunt Isabel, Uncle Serge and my illness went out the window. I brought my fingers to my face, not believing what I saw. I did not even recognize myself; my skin was pale, there were dark circles under my eyes, and my cheeks looked as if they had sunk into my face. I may not have looked like myself, but I did look familiar…I looked just like Rose…just the way she had that night when Jack first came into her life.

I clutched the sink with both hands, staring in disbelief at myself and remembering what I had looked like only a short while ago, when my hair actually had shine and my eyes were bright. My head dropped when I could not stand to look anymore.

I'm dying…

I closed my eyes, still bracing myself against the sink, reluctantly accepting the conclusion I had just composed in my mind. Mr. Lightoller was wrong, so was George…no one was going to save me. I looked up again, facing my reflection and knew right then and there Harry would want nothing to do with someone who looked like this. There was no hope, no escape, just a prison sentence that my grandmother called a life.

From where I was standing I could see only one solution; one-way to escape my fate and finally be at peace. It seemed drastic, but Rose had done it and it had worked for her, so why couldn't the same be true for me? It was decided, tonight, when the world slept, I would make my misery vanish forever and find the consolation I had been wanting for so long.