Thanks you guys for the reviews! They really gave me the extra push I needed with this chapter (and trust me every little push helped). Katie, thanks especially for your very detailed review. And of course THANK YOU to Tipper and Kate for helping me once again : ) Every last one of you are great!
A/N: So orginally this chapter and chapter 56 were supposed to be one, but when I got to 10 pages I realized it would probably be best if I divided it. Another thing you should know is that the next chapter will be the last chapter…in part I. Scared you guys huh? LoL, well I just thought it would be less complicated for me if I divided the story into two parts; the first part about Harry and Sarah meeting and falling in love, and the second…well I guess you'll just have to wait to see what happens : )
Chapter 55
May 15, 1912
Sarah-
A strong gust of wind hit me as soon as I opened the door, as if it was trying to push me back inside, but my determination was too strong and I pushed myself out the door and onto the deck. Once I was there; outside, under a sky so dark that the moon and stars were not even visible, I could feel the wind blow through the thin material of my dress and whip my loose hair around. I recognized the scent of rain as it passed me and thought it more than fitting. I turned to my left and then to my right, and then to the left again, before deciding to go to the back of the ship just as Rose had done.
I had left no note or letter, nothing to indicate what I was doing. Leave them to think what they want, all that mattered to me was that I was not going to be around for them to torment and punish. There was a small voice inside of me that argued and fought as I slowly made my way towards my destination, telling me that I was going straight to hell for what I was doing, but I was in hell all ready, and I knew nothing would ever hurt me more than being ripped away from Harry, or surviving the Titanic, or living with the knowledge that I had contributed to Rose's death. Things were going to be better this way for everyone.
I kept walking, picking up my pace once I could see the aft in front of me. The wind was blowing harder now, and somewhere faraway, I could hear thunder. It was a cold wind, one slipped easily through the thin fabric of my dress and sent a horrible shiver throughout me, but even as it blew harder, I clung tightly to my purpose, not letting myself waver. Nothing was going to stop me, not even the light raindrops that I felt fall from the sky and onto the uncovered skin of my arms and face.
I reached out with one hand and touched the railing with my fingers, feeling the cool metal on my fingertips. It calmed me and I found my left hand following suit, then I began to do what I imagined Rose had done not so very long ago. I lifted my foot up towards the first rung on the railing, but something stopped me. A voice. A voice that I could barely hear over the rough wind that was causing the water under me to rise in rough white capped waves.
"Miss?"
I didn't answer, because I truthfully did not know if it was coming from my head or from someone else. It was so dark out, it would have been easy for someone to hide in the shadows and go undetected. I could not concern myself with that now though, I had to do this, it was the only way, the only exit that I had. That was when the rain began to fall harder, huge drops that stung as they hit my skin and had my hair drenched after only a few moments.
I lifted my foot again, this time making it to the railing, hoisting myself up, and being able to put my other foot next to it.
"I don't think you want to do that!" the voice called, this time more persistent.
I wanted to scream at them, but I kept my mouth clamped shut, not wanting to break my concentration. I had to do this; it was the only way...
"The only way." I whispered as I began to step up and lift my leg over the side. There was a sudden rush of footsteps behind me and before I knew it, a pair of strong arms were pulling me off and away from the railing.
"LET ME GO!" I screamed, and reached back for the railing. My fingers barely grasped it before they pulled me away again.
"Calm down! What on earth were you doing?" I heard a male voice scream in my ear. His voice sounded familiar, but I was too angry to care why. I fought him hard, trying in vain to break the hold he had on me.
"Let go of me! You don't understand," I nearly cried.
"Don't you know what you were doing is dangerous?" he snapped and jerked me around. "You could have been-"
He stopped when he saw me, his face frozen in shock. Confused, I brushed away the tears the had clouded my eyes and looked back at him and suddenly knew why the stranger had abruptly turned to stone. His grip was still holding tightly to my arms but his face was soft and wavering, just as I remembered it. Oh, could it be true? I longed to reach out and touch it, just to confirm to myself that he was real, but I was lost; lost in the moment, the feeling, but above all, lost in those eyes that I had put all my heart and faith into.
In the end it was he who broke from his statue like cast and reached up with a sturdy hand and brushed away a piece of my wet hair that had matted to my forehead. His touch brought me out of my stone silent and stationary world and I leaned my head in as his hand cupped around it. There was a sigh from both of us and then he moved in quickly and kissed me desperately, passionately, and with a force so strong, it pushed me deeper into his waiting arms.
"Tell me this is real." I pleaded in a whisper, so afraid that at any moment he would disappear.
He smiled at me, his eyes shining, "Yes, it is."
As the rain around us came to a stop, happiness overtook me and I flung my arms around his neck, "Oh Harry!" I wanted to cry, I tried, but the past few weeks without him had brought me to tears on a daily basis and it seemed that there were none left for this moment. I felt helpless, not knowing how to show my emotions, but without hesitation, he kissed me again, allowing me the perfect outlet. It was a magnificent kiss that rekindled the fire that he had started inside of me when we had our first kiss in that library oh so long ago.
I felt alive again, my body was awakening and even as the cold rain fell on me, I was hot all over. My heart was beating fast and I brought my hands up and curled my fingers through his damp hair, thanking God that I was in his arms again, safely away form the hell that I been in.
His lips left mine and he kissed me on each cheek and then my nose, before he looked me dead in the eye and asked,
"What were you thinking doing something like that? Do you have any idea how foolish it is?"
My eyes fell and nodded, knowing that he was exactly right.
"Sarah, look at me." He lifted my chin up and stared me straight in the eye, "What's happened to you? You look like you haven't slept in days, you've lost weight, and there's something else…something different." He stood back and let his eyes look me over, "Sarah, tell me what happened."
"It was horrible…" I began, telling him the way Nan had treated me and how much I had missed him. I told him about Aunt Isabel and how harsh and cruel she had been and just as I began to tell him about how ill I had been, my body turned against me. I fled back to the railing and began throwing up violently over the side of the ship.
"Sarah!"
Harry was at my side in an instant and stayed there patting my back and holding my lose hair back for me. When I was done, I lifted my head back up, anger filling me quickly,
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" I screamed, hearing hysteria in my voice.
He heard it as well and reached for me, pulling me close him, trying his best to give me comfort. I buried my head in his shoulder,
"It's getting worse and worse." I whispered.
He shushed me, rocking me back and forth, pushing the hysterics far away. I closed my eyes and let him do so, I felt like a child; small and frail, needing to be saved from the harsh world around her.
"Come on, let's get you inside." He said pulling away, but still keeping his arms around me.
"I don't want to go back." I told him, but not able to resist the direction he was taking me.
"I'll take you to my room, come on."
And he did just that. It was a nice room, much larger than the one he had had on the Titanic, but then again he was not a ship's officer this time. To my surprise, it was not even 10 doors away from my own room. It was a bittersweet thought to think that all of this time we had been so close and not known it.
He sat me down on the bed and turned on a nearby lamp. That was when he got a good look at me. He stared at my sallow face and dull eyes and looked at me shocked,
"I'm getting you a doctor."
"No!" I reached for his hand and pulled him back to me, "Don't leave me!"
It was utterly absurd, but I was afraid that if he walked out that door I would lose him again, but he leaned down and kissed my hand,
"I'll be back, I promise."
I saw the reassurance in his eyes and released the grip I had on him and nodded. He gave me a handsome smile and kissed me one final time before leaving the room. He returned a few minutes later with an older man, who wore a black suit and carried a brown leather bag with him.
"So, this is my patient." He said with a smile and I nodded back suddenly feeling nervous. However he gave me a reassuring look and turned to Harry, "Would you mind waiting outside?" he asked him.
Harry looked over at me to make sure that I was all right with the idea. I looked from him to the doctor, decided that I would be okay, turned back to Harry, and nodded. He nodded back and gave me one final loving look before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.
"Sarah, I'm Walter Banning, I'm the ship's doctor." He said kindly and sat down next to me on the bed, "Now, I hear that you haven't been feeling well," he opened his bag and fished around in it for a moment before pulling out a stethoscope, "Can you tell me about it?" he asked, putting the tips of the instrument in his ears.
I told him about how I had been feeling, the nausea, and even the fainting. He nodded and listened with intent to everything that I had to say.
"How long has this been happening?" he asked pressing the stethoscope to my heart and I waited for him to finish before answering him.
"A week, maybe a week and a half."
He pulled the instrument out of his ears and put it back into the bag, "Have you been eating?"
"When I'm not feeling ill, I do."
Nodding, he pressed his palm to my forehead then pulled it away, "Well your heart sounds good and you don't have any trace of a fever. Your breathing pattern is fine, so I think we can rule out the flu…how long have you and your husband been married?"
Feeling slightly embarrassed I told him that Harry was not my husband.
He sighed, his forehead wrinkling as he did so. That body language alone told me that he was just as suspicious as I had been.
"Ah, well then you might not like what I'm about to ask you. Has your relationship with him or any other man for that matter…not to say that you look like that kind of girl…progressed to a physical stage?"
Now, even more embarrassed, I simply nodded.
He nodded in a knowing way that gave me goose bumps. My heart began pounding hard as he asked me lie back on the bed. I took a breath before I did so, trying my best to appear calm and relaxed, but even then, my body was still ridged as I lay down and let him press his hand into the lower part of my now fluttering stomach.
"All right, Sarah, you may get up now."
I quickly scooted myself up to a sitting position, with my back against the headboard of the bed. He sat down next to me and looked at me with a serious and fixed expression,
"Now Sarah, this is very important. You have to be completely honest with me, do you understand?"
"Yes." I replied with a nod.
"When was your last menstrual flow?"
I swallowed back, trying desperately to remember when it had been. It was wrong, but I had never paid attention to it before. It was always a nuisance and I always tried my best to ignore it. So much had happened over the past month that I had not been paying much attention at all, and it was because of that that I could not tell the doctor when it had been.
"You really don't remember?"
I shook my head, "I'm sorry, I don't."
"Try to; has it been more than say, six weeks?"
I shook my head, "I'm sorry I just can't remember."
His face went soft and he took my hand into his, "Sarah, I don't want to alarm you, but there is a very strong possibility that you could be with child."
My head fell when I realized that deep down in my heart I had suspected the same thing. I felt so foolish for letting this happen. I was seventeen, unmarried and having a baby. Why hadn't I thought of this before when I could have prevented it? Harry loved me and I loved him, there was no doubt about that in my mind, but this was the first time I realized how powerful that love between us was. Not only had it changed me physically, caused turmoil in my family and begat so much upset, but it had also created another life.
I clasped my hands together and pressed them to my middle. I closed my eyes and willed an apology to my unborn child for everything that I had put them through, in particular, tonight. I did not know how to feel about this news, I knew I should be happy, and a part of me was, but there was another part that was worried…very worried.
I looked up and straight into the doctor's eyes, "Are you certain that I am."
He hesitated for a moment and then nodded, "I am, you have all the symptoms."
I nodded, "Right, can you ask him to come back in, please?" I asked in a frighteningly calm voice.
He rose from his place beside me and nodded. He went to the door and opened it, inviting Harry back inside and then excusing himself, taking his bag with him. As soon as the door was shut Harry, whose hands were stuffed in his pockets and wore a worried expression on his face, asked what had happened.
"Are you all right."
I nodded, "Yes, I'm fine."
He gave me a look that reminded me of the one George gives me when I am lying and I shrugged back, realizing that I could not fool him.
"What did he say, Sarah?"
I looked up at him and paused, not sure how to present this life altering news to him. His dark eyes were serious and sincere and offered me every bit of the comfort and love that I desired and I suddenly found myself studying him meticulously from head to toe. From the eyes, that I could not get enough of, to his perfectly chiseled face and soft and lovely lips.
"Sarah, are you going to talk to me?"
My head fell back down, I could not do it. I called myself a coward as Harry to a seat next to me and said my name is his soft accent that made my heart skip a beat. It was now or never…
"I'm going to have a baby."
Silence followed. I do not even think either one of us breathed, I know I did not, and I could not even find the nerve to look at him to see if he was. My looked down and saw that my hands were shaking and I cupped them together, willing them to stop. Suddenly though, I was drawn back to my lower stomach, back to the womb where I knew my baby was growing. I placed a protective unsteady hand over it and prayed. Not that I had any right to pray, but it could not hurt to try. Then to my surprise, I felt Harry's hand on top of mine and I opened my eyes to see him leaning in next to me and kissing me softly.
"A baby?" he asked, when we parted. His voice was a soft whisper and I found myself returning with the same tone when I answered him,
"A baby."
His face burst into a gentle grin and he wrapped his around me and embraced me tightly.