Neon Genesis Evangelion

Behind Closed Doors

"I will find a center in you / I will chew it up and leave

I will work to elevate you / Just enough to bring you down"

Two – Easy Mistakes/How to Fall Down

Asuka sighed when she saw him come walking in, half-relieved and half-annoyed. It was the middle of their third subject for the day, just one away from lunch. And then, right in the middle of the lecture, in comes one slumping Shinji Ikari accompanied by a flustered Misato—of course. The teacher paused to speak with her in hushed tones while the class just stared as the ever-awkward Shinji took his seat.

After their guardian had finished speaking to the professor she turned, looking to Shinji and then to Asuka before disappearing out the door and probably back to NERV to really start kicking the asses of Section Two.

Asuka looked over at Shinji while pretending to distract herself with something outside the classroom windows; just the way she would always do when watching him in class. He was his usual blank self, a little tired perhaps, but seeming almost the same. She felt disgusted with him suddenly, sneering at his attitude.

Why'd you even run away if you were going to let yourself get caught so easily? Unless you really need the pity that bad... Pathetic.

"Feh," she released under her breath, blowing off the anger for the time being.

If Shinji noticed her irritation with him he did nothing to show it. In fact he didn't even return Touji's whispers to him or Kensuke's inquiries into Section Two methods of subject-recovery; instead he just sat, eyes forward, staring out into nothing; he seemed to be oblivious to everything going on in class.

His disconnection only irritated her further. This was Shinji's problem nowadays, she thought—he was too cut off from everyone else, even his supposed friends. Whether it was self-inflicted or not, Asuka was determined to break his increasingly Rei-like attitude one way or another. Today, she reasoned, she had finally found that "another."

She continued to analyze him, trying to read his still body. She could tell he had noticed by now his briefcase was at his desk. She wondered if he would remember to thank her for bringing it. A part of her was angry just at the possibility he might not but, knowing Shinji as she thought she did, she was sure he would find a way to thank her if only for the opportunity to speak to her.

He had always been so easy to predict before anyways, she pondered, watching him now out of the corner of her eye.

He stood up, nearly jolting her out of her seat as she looked away, and when the teacher ahemed at him he said, "I'm going bathroom."

He didn't even ask. He just said it and then walked out. Hikari had practically jumped out of her seat to stop him but a friend near by (a friend Asuka quietly cursed now) reminded the class leader that Shinji was "probably sick today" and Hikari's boiling fury was ended prematurely. The teacher just stared out after the boy's exit, slightly put-off but far too surprised to do anything. No one in the class, teacher included, had ever seen Shinji be rude like that before—even Asuka was a bit surprised. After a moment the lecture continued as though nothing was amiss.

She thought she could faintly hear Fukai's throaty chuckle from behind her right shoulder.

-

Shinji hovered over the toilet bowl, paused, and then threw up again. There wasn't any breakfast in his stomach to be purged so clear, foul-smelling bile came out instead. He shook off the nausea, or maybe it shook him, he couldn't tell. The world seemed startlingly... unfamiliar. He tried to remember waking up today.

He had been running away. He had gotten on the train and then... he was in Misato's back seat. And what had she been telling him? Relax? Relaxing seemed absurdly impossible. He was nervous, hands practically shaking off the edge of the sink. One moment it was the sharp edges on the soap dispenser, the next it was tidal waves. Nothing seemed to be in order in his head. The dizziness didn't disappear even after the contents of his stomach seemed to stop rebelling.

He turned and looked at himself in the mirror. He stared at his reflection gaping in incomprehension; everything except him seemed to be moving on the reflection, swimming around him in a mess of swirls. The stalls in the bathroom, the lights in the ceiling and the tiles on the floor. It was all dancing into each other, rearranging itself at random, dividing and recombining like some giant kaleidoscope, constantly in motion, and all the while he remained frozen in the middle of it: the only thing still and complete.

He couldn't look at it any longer. He looked back into the sink, and turned on the water. He splashed it over his face again and again. This is real, he said. This is real.

Or did he think it? He wasn't sure. Something about the water going into the drain in the sink, twirling into nothing; it looked so familiar—then abruptly terrifying to look at anymore and he screamed genuinely, turning away. He collapsed into a stall and put his head into his hands, shaking uncontrollably, as tears he did not understand came spilling out.

Something's wrong with me, he kept thinking over and over.

-

Lunch went by almost as quickly as the first four classes had, despite the introduction of Ikari into the picture. Asuka had eaten a quick, bland bento made for her by Misato on short notice that morning; she was sitting in her usual spot, by herself other than Hikari. Touji and Kensuke eventually joined them in mid-meal as was the irritating habit of her new boyfriend but, Shinji was nowhere to be found. When Asuka inquired to Touji about his absence both boys only shrugged at each other.

"Shinji said he wasn't eating today," they replied in unison.

Asuka put down her chopsticks slowly, carefully; she had lost her appetite. Enough is enough. She was tired of the act Shinji was putting on today. First running away, now acting strange in school—he was just asking for trouble from her. She hated whenever Shinji was in one of his "oh, the world is against me, boo hoo" moods and today that side of him had been on display in full.

It's probably all an act, she thought angrily. Just to try and get my attention.

Well, she concluded, now he did have her attention only this time she was not going to let his attitude get to her. This time he was going to get what he deserved, a heavy dose of reality. Asuka could not be manipulated. She would prove that to him. She would make Shinji envious of her. She would make him jealous. If felt good after all, she reasoned. Yes, it could feel nice to be wanted by someone.

Today, I'll make him want me again.

As soon as lunch period had ended the principal came onto the PA informing all of the students that they were to enter the auditorium for the ceremony today.

Students filed out of the cafeteria, laughing and talking to one another and eager to take the time they were getting out of class to socialize. School tended to be pretty time-consuming if one actually paid attention in class, something she considered as beneath her with a college degree already completed.

Her schooling had been accelerated so far in Germany that by the time she had arrived in Japan the only struggle in any given subject was figuring out all of the Kanji on the page (a struggle that had earned her some particularly low marks when she had first arrived). This had helped foster her slacker attitude. Shinji, on the other hand, was always the studious one if not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. Used to be studious, she reminded herself—ever since Third Impact that side of him had disappeared. She had heard only snippets of his teacher-parent conferences this year from Misato: apparently Shinji hadn't turned in a single assignment yet. All his tests had been returned to the teacher blank.

Asuka forced herself to stop thinking about him and trudged into the auditorium, Hikari quietly in tow the entire time. They separated with a few parting words as they entered and Asuka went to sit at the front of the auditorium, right next to Touji as she had been instructed previously. No one else but he occupied the front row. Beside her a chair with a piece of paper marked "Ikari" remained conspicuously empty. She looked around but he did not appear to be anywhere, particularly near here.

Shit. Is he really going to make me and Touji do this by ourselves? Even after he got brought here by Misato like that? He wouldn't... would he?

She didn't entirely know what "this" was as she thought about it now, looking over at the equally-bewildered Touji. All her teacher had instructed them to do after class had ended yesterday was to sit in the front row and stand up when called upon.

More and more students continued to pour in, filling up the seats behind her higher and higher into the room. Even many of the faculty was attending, squeezed into seats on the end of the row or standing off to the side in the aisles next to either wall of the room.

The principal, who was standing in front of the entire room just beneath the stage, stared at Asuka now. The students had finished coming in. The presentation was due to start. A quiet hush began to grow over the room. The hard-looking man, slightly bald, stared down at Asuka over the rims of his glasses and gestured vaguely at the empty seat next to her.

Asuka just shrugged in response, feeling the blood rush to her cheeks.

Now you've got the principal mad at you too, dummkopf.

Reluctantly after a few minutes wait, the principal sighed and nodded to the eager projectionist who Asuka now realized was none other than Kensuke Aida. Asuka looked between him and the principal then did a double-take. She had no idea her classmate was "in on it." Kensuke just grinned maniacally in response and gave her a thumbs-up.

Then the lights in the auditorium dimmed, and onto the screen projected the huge image of Unit 01 and 02 rising up out of a mountainside at sunset, a shot from the beginning of one of their missions against one of the Angels, she knew. The crowd of students made sounds of excitement and awe, watching the towering machines of war began to stomp out into the countryside with their thunderous footsteps shaking the speakers of the entire room.

The Evangelions, she remarked, from this perspective looked awesomely powerful. It was almost hard to believe, she thought as the footage slowly intensified, that she had once powered one of those; it seemed like another world to her now. Some sort of classical music was tinkling in the background behind the raw noise their machines could make by simply moving.

She noticed then, out of the corner of her eye, one Shinji Ikari ducking his way towards the front. He took his seat beside her without even making eye contact, silently fitting into place like he always had. She would have berated him if the principal hadn't been right there. But then she realized that she should try to be nice to him, if only for a little bit longer. No need to ruin the surprise. The video continued as though nothing had happened though she noticed the principal breathe a tiny sigh of relief.

The footage of the Evas began to be interspersed with footage of all of the incredible ground-level work being done by all of the NERV crews just in preparation for each battle. Hordes of equipment trucks, security vehicles, and communications teams moving into place and setting up. The violins came in mournful and melodic and, the music began to take a darker edge.

The previously noisy crowd of the room began to quiet down; they watched intensely as images of the damage from battles were projected onto the screen with the darker minor tone of the melody. Entire blocks of Tokyo-3 wiped out; mountainsides demolished; lakes appearing in places that they hadn't been before.

One by one a handful of Angels was projected onto the screen as the music grew darker and darker. The crowd made murmurs of agitation and some even went so far as to boo at the alien looking creatures. That got a grin from Touji in the corner of her eye.

Suddenly, brilliantly, as the trumpets came in again, the Evangelions crashed back onto the screen, entering into combat with the various Angels.

Asuka remarked silently that, despite her previous cynicism, it was a well put together presentation. When the music began to drain away images of the Evangelions re-entering the Geofront flashed across the screen and finally the music ended and the lights turned back on again.

The crowd made thunderous applause, from which Kensuke seemed to particularly swell in pride. His smile was practically lighting up the entire auditorium as the students cheered. She then had the sneaking suspicion that he had been involved in the creation of the presentation as well.

The principal walked onto the stage and up to the podium and the applause ended after a few more moments and his call for attention.

"I would just like to congratulate our three attending pilots again for their bravery one year ago that made this world possible. Shinji, Asuka, Touji, please stand. Let's all give them another round of applause!"

Slowly, they rose together. It was almost camaraderie. For a few moments as they began to stand, it almost appeared as if the pilots might have been close to one another because of their experience in Evangelion. No one knew how Shinji had crippled Touji. No one knew how close they'd all come to dying. No one knew about her mental break down. No one really knows what a fucking coward he is. How confusing appearances could be.

Applause thundered again and Asuka turned from the vigorously applauding principal, beaming a flawless smile back at the hooting crowd. Shinji could only blush and shrink back beneath the attention. Touji reveled in the applause, considering himself lucky to even be called a pilot.

But the moment died a little when she saw him there in the crowd of students. Asuka didn't take her eyes off of the one face she recognized in the crowd. It was Fukai and he was looking at the oblivious Shinji. He had the strangest smile on his face; Asuka remarked that for all his handsome features, this particular smile did not make him look very pleasant.

-

Back to class.

He did not want to go back to class. Students jostled him, everyone pouring out of the auditorium almost faster than they had entered. Many were still talking about the movie, occasionally directing their glances his way. But he did not even glean happiness from this envy; to him, it looked as if their stares were casting him out rather than admiring him. And maybe some of them really were.

He made his way back to the classroom on the second floor, and then stopped, pausing at the bathroom again. He went back in and got a handful of water out of the sink. Splashed it on his face. Trying to just feel normal. Gulped some down. The cool sensation of the water gliding down his throat. You can do this. Everything's fine. You didn't. You didn't. Hurt. Them. After a sigh he resigned himself to attending class and made his way back to A-2. Chin up, Shinji. Chin up.

But then, just beyond the girl's bathroom he spotted Fukai and Asuka talking to each other. Fukai had one hand on the wall Asuka had her back against. Shinji didn't alter his stride; he pretended he hadn't even seen them. Maintained his slow amble to class. Asuka tossed her red hair around, whipping it into his periphery vision while looking deeply into Fukai's stare. She was smiling, animated.

Asuka's talking with him. Maybe she likes him?

What happened next he did not quite expect. Suddenly the two embraced, lips together in what he could see to be only a "kiss." A real kiss, not like the time she'd grabbed his nose. A lips-to-lips, full on kiss. He tried not to look, keeping his head down and directing his gaze firmly at the floor. Pretend. It's not. There.

Asuka kissed him. They kissed?

Fukai turned away from her though as Shinji was about to pass them and glared. Daring Shinji, just daring him to react so he'd have the excuse. To what? Beat me up? Shinji didn't return the menacing stare or its confident grin. Until the hand jerked out and grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Hey! Shit-for-brains! You got a problem or something?"

Shinji returned the glare with no enthusiasm.

"You have no idea..." he muttered, looking away.

That was when the punch came. And he hit the floor.

-

Tell me that did not just happen. Please tell me he did not just... oh shit, Fukai. You fucking prick. You've ruined it! Shit! Shit!

Asuka was staring at her classmate as he knelt onto Shinji's chest to begin pummeling him. Frantically she glanced around the hall to see if any teacher was making their way towards the scuffle. There was not a soul to be seen. Everyone was already back in class, being lectured and totally unaware.

What the hell do I do now?

Shinji looked up at her pleadingly from behind the cover of his brown bangs, tears bursting free as another hook nailed him in the side of the head.

Fight you moron! Fight! Do something! If you aren't even going to fight for me... at least, at least do it for yourself.

He did not. Would not.

Fukai reared back for another hit, still streaming curses. Shinji did not raise to block. He just watched Asuka from those streaming eyes, staring and waiting helplessly.

Relying on me to get you out of this mess. You really are. Worthless.

Asuka grabbed the boy's arm before he could hit and, he turned at her grip, looking as if he might just go and hit her too for good measure.

"Leave him," she tried, "he's not worth it."

The rage boiled away. Fukai stood. Spat on the crumple of Shinji beneath the two of them.

They walked away.

-

He was trying to get the blood to stop coming out of his nose, for the third time. His eye was starting to swell. He looked into the mirror, disgusted with himself. Disgusted with the hands that kept splashing water onto his face. Disgusted with the eyes that refused to stop tearing. Disgusted with the pain in his jaw. Disgusted with everything he'd ever done.

"He's not worth it," she said. I'm not worth anything, am I? Even Asuka wouldn't help me. I should just... quit all this.

He walked back out of the bathroom for the second time. Numb. Each stride to the classroom he did not feel. Each breath. The raw aching in his mouth. The sting in his nostril. They didn't mean anything to him any more.

Instrumentality. I did that. I took Takeshi's mother away from him—just the way Eva took mine. He has the right to hate me, doesn't he? I took her away from Fukai. And now he's taking Asuka away from me. That's fair, right? Right? Yeah... fair. Fair is fair.

He was in class. Sat down. He could feel sweat beading on his brow. The numbness faded. Into something worse. Those memories. So very much worse. He did not want to see her like that. Could not bear it again.

How could you, how could you, how could you...

Murmurs exploded across the classroom at his entry. The teacher stared at Shinji, as the lesson came to a full halt.

"Mr. Ikari, just where have you been all this... is that blood on your shirt?"

Shinji looked down at the white uniform that had betrayed him.

"I—I had a nosebleed. Had to, wait until it stopped." He didn't return the older man's gaze. Kept his head aimed at the desk before him.

"I suppose that's where the bruising on your eye came from too then? Mr. Ikari, have you been in a fight with another student?"

More murmurs, louder and faster. He ignored them. Ignored the question.

Don't listen to these people.

"If you don't answer me, Ikari, I'll have no choice but to send you to the principal's office. I'll ask one more time: who were you fighting?"

Was he shaking. No couldn't be. Couldn't be.

But they'll forget Rei's name. Just like everyone else. Just like the presentation today. I'm sorry, Rei.

How could you, how could you, how could you...

He almost shouted as a flashback of Rei II's self-destruction whipped through him. He clenched his teeth and struggled to keep the brimming tears in, gripping his desk with white knuckles; his world just kept spinning.

"I deserved it, okay?" he said, struggling to keep his voice even. "It's not a. Big deal."

"Teach, Shinji would never get in a fight with anyone. He's a—"

"Mr. Suzuhara, you are not part of this conversation," snapped the sensei. "Shinji, are you not going to answer?"

Asuka. Falling apart. White. Vultures. How could you? How could you, Shinji?

Could he scream? He wanted to. So very badly he wanted to. Whispered instead.

"It only happened because I'm. Worthless."

"Mr. Ikari, you are going to the principal's office right now and we are going to find out what happened one way—"

"Why did you send for me? Why now?" "Because I have a use for you."

"Fuck your 'principal,'" he said under his breath.

Ka-boom. He'd never heard the class that silent. The old man looked like he might just have a heart attack. Shaking with rage.

"You—what did you say? What the principal?"

"We won't be living together anymore. You're being sent your Uncle's. I have work to attend to." He walked off without another word. Not even a "goodbye."

All you have to do is run away. Run away from them.

Shinji stood up and began to leave.

The man caught him be the arm.

"Stop right there."

"Don't touch me!" The scream found him. He trembled with its force. "Don't you fucking touch me! Ever!"

The offending hand and its stunned partner released him and he stepped out of the class.

-

Asuka stood outside the entrance to the school, biting fingernails with an intensity that suggested more than just a bad habit.

"Asuka, what—what happened today?" Hikari's tiny voice crept into her musing.

"I have no idea." Lying was far easier than any other answer.

What did I do? Oh shit, Asuka. What the fuck did I think I was doing?

"Do you have any idea who might have hit him?"

"No." Definitely stick with the lying.

"You don't think it was..." She stopped, waiting for Asuka to finish the thought.

Touji had brawled with Fukai in class once he spotted the bloody knuckles just a few moments after Shinji's departure. They were now being lectured in the principal's office. Where Shinji most definitely was not. She'd already checked.

"I don't know. Fukai has a mean streak for Shinji, right? Maybe they... got into an argument or something." Liar.

"Jeeze but Shinji was acting so... I mean, have you ever seen him do that before?" A couple time's in an Evangelion yeah. Never in real life.

"No."

"Do you suppose he's okay?"

"I very much doubt that could be possible anymore." Asuka sighed.

"Was it the ceremony?"

"No. Something else, maybe the fight, maybe..."

"He isn't worth your time." "It's only because I'm. Worthless." Maybe that, huh?

"Maybe what?" Hikari continued for her.

"I don't know. I don't know, Hikari, really I don't. I'm just as surprised as you are. And everyone else for that matter."

Hikari paused, face turned up to the afternoon sky with a thinking expression concealed behind the freckles.

"Even if he was sad, he was always nice, wasn't he?"

"Yeah. Nice." But where did that go? Right down the drain is where, thanks to your stupid plan.

"Asuka, can you just promise me when you go home you'll talk to him? He could probably really use a friend right now."

"Yeah. A friend." She tried to keep from zoning out into the confusing mix of feelings she held for that particular "friend." But she hadn't really been much of a friend today, had she?

"I gotta go talk to Touji and the principal. See ya later, Asuka."

"Bye."

She stood still on the steps and alone, looking so lost now. And feeling helpless for the first time she could remember since one year ago.

Just like this morning, she had two identical briefcases under her arms.

-

He smiled a genuine smile as his head smashed against the side of the bathtub. He'd done it finally. Go to sleep. It's over, he thought as he closed his eyes. He was already beginning to feel tired. Something was happening to the door. Someone was banging on it maybe? He thought he could just faintly hear Asuka shouting at him from somewhere. She sounds so far away. Too far away. Just like I was for her. When I let her die. Bastard. HOW COULD YOU? You spineless fucking bastard. You deserved this.

The door blurred into darkness. When he could see it again it had burst inwards. He thought he could just make out someone running towards him. And then someone's arms were around him, holding him and shaking him. Why wouldn't they just let him sleep? He thought he could feel tears streaming down his face but he wasn't sure if they were his. Then he couldn't really feel anything anymore. Just. Dark.

-

Asuka opened the door to their apartment and entered silently. She spotted his shoes on the floor near the entrance and sighed. So he is home. Damn.

She trudged into the kitchen to find Misato opening a beer with some paperwork in her hand. She looked up when Asuka entered and faked a smile. Asuka could read the distress in her eyes.

"Oh, hey, you're back," she said, taking a break from chewing on the end of a helpless pen.

"Yeah. I'm back."

She sat down at the table putting the two briefcases down beside her.

"So. How was school today? Oh yeah! How was the ceremony?" Misato said. It sounded as if she'd genuinely forgotten about it.

"Didn't they call already?" she ventured.

"Yeah." Misato frowned at the beer. "Shinji got in a fight or something. I haven't been able to talk to him about it actually..."

Asuka could almost feel the concern pouring off her guardian.

"Asuka, did Shinji seem alright? I mean, when he first came in to school today? He was okay, right?" Asuka eyed her guardian suspiciously.

"Yeah, I'd say he seemed about the same to me. Maybe a little quiet but, about what I would have expected given the ceremony and all." She wanted to tell Misato what happened. She really did but.

"Good. Good to hear. Poor guy. He's been through a lot today," she said, sighing into her beer can. Relief flooded into her reply.

"What do you mean?" Asuka said, cocking her head to the side.

"You know. Running away and, uh... stuff. Um, just forget I said that actually. I can't talk about it anyways."

Misato smiled nervously behind the can of Yebisu.

"What the heck does that mean?"

"It's a NERV secret, okay? Classified. Sorry."

"You guys are still keeping secrets from us? Come on! What gives? I wanna know too!" Asuka was back into the whiny/angry mode she was most comfortable in when speaking to Misato. But it did not work this time.

"Nope. I'm sorry, Asuka. I can't tell you this one. I mean, if I did... Ritsuko would never let me hear the end of it, that's for sure. Besides it's probably nothing at all. Forget I even said it." But the way she spoke, Asuka immediately knew that this could not be the case. Something was wrong with Shinji before he even got to school. Before the whole Fukai mess.

Misato took another swig from her beer can innocently, trying to brush the whole thing off. Asuka gripped, unwilling. Not yet.

"Fine. Just tell me one thing: does Shinji know this one? This secret?" Asuka asked, growing serious.

Misato looked at her hard with something uncomfortable filling her gaze. Asuka felt nervous when Misato looked at her like that. She hadn't seen that face in a long, long time. Not since...

"I don't think he knows. No, probably not," she said very quietly after a few moments pause.

"There probably is no secret," Asuka growled, desperately wishing it was true and at the same time knowing it wasn't from the way her guardian looked at her.

"Maybe," Misato teased. But it was forced. Something had happened today to Shinji. She was sure of it now.

Asuka reluctantly dropped the subject and walked out of the kitchen after some more small talk with the woman. She held Shinji's briefcase firmly as she knocked on his door. There was no reply. Cautious now, she slid the door halfway open.

"Go away," said a tiny voice from the boy curled up in his bed. His back was turned to her.

"I just wanted to give you your briefcase. Sorry," she whispered. She could not remember ever apologizing to him. She felt strangely satisfied, yet terribly guilty in the same moment.

Asuka put the briefcase just inside the room then stood at the door, just watching his still form. If Shinji could have seen her face at this moment he would have seen an Asuka unlike any other. Her blue eyes were filled up with something no one else could have recognized: sadness—the kind she smothered away in anger most of her life; the sort of sadness she wouldn't let anyone else see. Not since the days after her mother's suicide. But he did not turn. He did not know. Could not.

"Just, go away. Please," he pleaded in the same, almost non-existent voice.

Asuka slid the door shut and stopped, just staring at the handle. I guess I'll just wait. Until dinner. Yeah. Maybe I will tell him after dinner.

Dinner came and went with no sign of Shinji Ikari. She'd heard the same sad boy when Misato had tried to coax him out of his room with everything from threats to innuendo. He just begged her to "leave him alone" and nothing more and eventually Misato gave up. So it was only she and Asuka for dinner.

Neither ate much. Misato seemed far too worried about Shinji to do anything more than sip at her beer and glance at his door occasionally. As if desperately trying to figure out what the hell she was going to do with him.

Asuka, on the other hand, seemed to have lost her appetite altogether. She kept looking at the spot where Shinji would sit at the table. She realized now that she missed having him there. She'd been realizing a lot of things about him today.

Dinner finished and after Asuka had done her share of the dishes (it was Shinji's turn but neither girl seemed inclined to bother him) she moved into the living room and sat down to watch some TV. The couch was "coincidentally" just a few feet away from the entrance to Shinji's room.

Shows droned on. The News at nine-o'clock came on. And turned off too. Finally, at ten thirty, the brown-haired boy appeared.

Before Asuka could even look his way he had started off towards the bathroom, ignoring her entirely.

Goddamn it! He's avoiding me! But, I have to talk to him. I have to explain the whole Fukai thing. Tell him that I didn't mean for him to get hurt, that I didn't want to kiss that asshole. Then maybe... well, maybe he will understand how I feel. Sort of.

Asuka waited on the couch for another thirty seconds, then, working up the courage, she approached the bathroom door and knocked once. No reply again.

"Shinji, are you in there?" she said loud enough so that he would hear her.

There was no reply.

"Shinji, can you hear me?" she said, louder now.

"Shinji, if you can hear me just say something…" she tried.

She put her hand on the handle of the door and found it firmly locked. He was certainly in there, she thought. Probably hanging on my every word too. Fuck. Fuck it.

"Fine. I just wanted to say..." she paused, sighing. "I just wanted to say I am sorry about today. That thing with Fukai... was a stupid mistake. It wasn't what it looked like. And. What I did was wrong. I should have helped you, Shinji. I know I don't always act like it but, I want to be your... friend. I hope I still am. And. I didn't—I didn't mean to hurt your feelings if I did. So. I'm sorry. Okay? Shinji?"

Still there was silence. Something twitched in her. A feeling she'd forgotten since the Angels: fear. Tiny. Cold. Fear.

"Shinji, are you okay?"

More silence.

"Shinji, if you don't say you're okay, I'm coming in there!" she threatened.

Nothing.

"I mean it! I don't care if you're naked or... Whatever! I'll do it, Shinji! Shinji?"

She thought she heard the sound of something being knocked over. Loudly clattering onto the floor. Then nothing. What the hell was that noise?

Twitching. In her. What if he passed out? What if this was what Misato wouldn't tell her? He might be hurt. Was she going to let him get hurt again?

"SHINJI? Don't make me kick this door down! Are you okay?" She was shouting now.

Nothing seemed to answer. If Shinji was in there he was being very quiet.

"Shinji! You're scaring me…" she pleaded.

Nothing. Fear. Raw. Simple. Fear.

"I'm counting to three then I'm kicking the door down, for real! You hear that?"

This wasn't right. Even for Shinji.

"I'm serious, Shinji! Don't make me do it!"

Horrible, empty, nothing.

"One! Two! Three!"

Nothing still.

Asuka, now too frightened to stop, kicked the door once hard. It didn't really move. She roared at it and kicked the door several more times. It dented but held. She put all the power she could muster into one blow aimed at the handle. The tiny lock exploded and gave so that it swung violently inwards.

Nothing could prepare her for what she saw next. He lay crumpled besides the bathtub in a pool of his own blood. Red. Everywhere. All over him and soaking into most of his white shirt. It kept pouring out of his arms faster and faster. It would not slow down, would not stop.

And she screamed running to him. She screamed and screamed as she picked him up, cradling him against her—holding him in her arms and just praying that this boy hadn't left her for good already. Her screams turned into one long stretched out wail as the tears rushed, useless. Sobbing, still holding him, face pressed into that beautiful soft brown hair. Just like she'd always dreamed they'd be one day. Only completely and horribly wrong. A dream turned nightmare.

Misato appeared in the doorway seconds later, and before she could finish asking just "what the hell" Asuka was screaming about her jaw dropped open and she froze. Then yelling into her wrist. Asuka couldn't hear it. All she could pay attention to was the face of this boy in her arms, his eyes closed as her tears spattered across his soft, slackening cheeks. The facial expression of someone dead or dying written all over his delicate features.

Section Two thugs came charging into the bathroom from out of nowhere or so it seemed. They wasted no time, instantly grabbing the boy out of her arms and, she cried out, weakly reaching for him even as they carried him out of the bathroom and then out of the apartment entirely.

Misato embraced her, stopping her as she tried to follow him out. She ignored the blood all over her charge's shirt and arms, pressing the girl against her, cupping her head on her shoulder. Asuka could just barely see them through the open doorway putting him onto some sort of stretcher. Misato pressed her face into that red hair and wept softly, squeezing Asuka even tighter. She could hear a helicopter somewhere. Then Shinji was lifting up and out of the open-air courtyard. Gone.

What had one of the thugs said when they took him from her? Something about his heart being stopped.

Dead. Clinically dead.

Asuka cried harder now, a first since her childhood. Shinji was really gone this time, maybe gone for good now. She had thought he was a cold, little doll who didn't care about her anymore. But she had been wrong, totally wrong. Maybe he had even cared about her enough to take his own life. And maybe, she wondered, maybe she had destroyed him for it.

"My fault," she kept moaning into Misato's shoulder over and over again. The tears refused to stop as the two clutched each other, desperately. The noise of the helicopter was gone.

Fin Two

A/N:

Yeah that's an M-rating right there. Don't hate me too much for the ending. There's still one more part left. The lyrics from the beginning are from the song "Sober" by Tool. I personally found myself preferring to listen to "The Outsider" by A Perfect Circle while writing this though. Ironic I know. Final chap after chapter seven of Secrecy is out.

Love to my reviewers. Don't give up on them just yet!