Neon Genesis Evangelion
Behind Closed Doors
"The me that you know / he had some second thoughts,
He's covered with scabs / he is broken and sore
The me that you know / he doesn't come around much
That part of me / isn't here anymore"
Three – Alterations/Atonements"The hell do you mean 'some stress?' This kid was having an intense mental breakdown."
Ritsuko took a slurp of cold coffee and briefly considered smashing the mug on the far wall. Briefly.
"Well it's a little hard to keep the language clean when you're pumping blood into him just to start his heart beating again in the chopper over."
She sighed.
"Yes. No. It's not that. No, no, I understand. She's taking it pretty hard then? Yeah, I'd say we all are too. For an anti-socialite he's got quite a grip on our heart-strings."
Weak laughter from the receiver.
"Okay? Well, no, he's not okay yet. I wouldn't go that far. But is he going to live? Once his vitals stabilize, yes, I would think so. Twelve hours, maybe six, depends on what cocktail the ER pumped into him on arrival."
Ritsuko gnawed on her pen, staring into the screen before her.
"And you just remember to thank me some time for suggesting that emergency chopper on the roof and the security detachment next door. Yeah. I know. Yeah, I'd say a 'life-saver' would be a pretty appropriate term at the moment."
She fumbled with something on her clipboard, scanning the read-outs over again just to make sure she wasn't missing something.
"Well, I'm not going to sugar-coat anything for you—this was a life and death situation, Misato. Physical damage is at a minimum. There's definitely going to be some scarring, nothing too unbearable but they weren't small wounds by any means. Truthfully, I think what you've really got to worry about is what's happening mentally. You and I both know Shinji's been through a lot."
Ritsuko lifted a half-done cigarette from the ash-tray and took a drag. She let the smoke spill out into the dimly lit lab as she exhaled. Misato spoke through all of it.
"I know. I know that. I'm just saying there's a whole lot of, well, baggage to account for. I mean, could this be a relapse from his piloting days? Obviously the date could be a significant factor also, one-year-anniversary and all. I'm not even sure what we are supposed to make of the blue pattern flicker and the amnesia you reported but let's handle the obvious for starters."
Puff, puff. More chatter from the receiver.
"Shit, Misato, I understand that. And I'm not claiming to be a psychologist, M.D. or not. All I'm trying to point out is that there is more at stake here than just what's happened in the last twenty-four hours and, until we can get a shrink in there when he's conscious, we can't be definitive about anything."
She paused over one particular part of the read-out, a quizzical expression forming on her brow. She adjusted her glasses slightly.
"No, I agree. This is not very typical of Shinji. And I think you're right. A cry for help would usually be more common in these cases and, with his personality in mind, certainly the more obvious choice. To go from relatively normal to suicidal so quickly, it doesn't really seem, psychologically at least, very, uhh, well progressive, I guess is what I'm trying to say."
Underlining another mystery with her pen.
"To be honest, I have no idea. It could be very good for his recovery or it could have no effect at all. If you want, I can transfer you to the psych on call who's going to be looking him over; Nakamura or something—she seemed very nice and competent to me."
Another sip of coffee.
"Fine, fine. I won't. Besides, you're probably a better judge of these things than me. I mean, you've been living with them all this time now. What do you think?"
After another hard look she put the clipboard down again and rubbed her head, feeling the onset of another stress-related migraine. Either that or caffeine-deprivation. She really was becoming a coffee-holic.
"For her? Well yeah, it probably would do some good. He's asleep but... sure, I'll have someone escort you to his room. Five minutes? Yeah, no problem."
Click. She set the phone down on its base. She looked back at the problem on her clipboard. It didn't seem to be going anywhere.
Asuka clung to Misato's shifting arm the entire ride to the hospital. Her crying had turned quiet with sniffles, though her eyes held red-rimmed and gleaming with more tears to be spent. Some part of the hitching sobs Misato had never seen before had slunk away once she'd told her charge that Shinji was in fact alive and breathing again.
A part of her felt guiltily pleased that the girl really did care about him; another part told her she should be worried about the both of them, and certainly not happy. At least, Misato reasoned, she'd finally stopped wailing that all this was her fault somehow after several careful reassurances that it was "no such thing."
They glided into the parking space at the hospital but as Misato turned to get out of the car and help Asuka to stand, the girl's hand landed on her sleeve and stopped her in the silence of the Renault's purring engine.
"Misato..." Asuka looked down into the seat. Disturbed, Misato resumed sitting and leaned over to speak to the whispering girl.
"What is it, honey?"
Asuka inhaled, still looking down. I better make sure she gets this off her chest before she sees him so we don't create any more of a scene.
"It's okay, Asuka. Whatever you need to say, you can tell me. Whatever you're feeling, it's okay to feel that way."
The redhead cleared her throat.
"You know before when I was saying it was my fault, and... all that stuff," she began.
Misato nodded at her, putting a reassuring hand on the girl's shoulder.
"Well, I wasn't being hysterical or anything," she sighed, face shifting between disappointed and pained. Her pretty, foreign features looked bafflingly elegant, even in such a frown.
"You see, the truth is today. Well, today I did something really bad. Something really mean to try and hurt Shinji's feelings. And I..."
Misato nodded, urging her to continue.
"I think I made him... do that..." She cringed, eyes squinting shut. "To himself. You know? Because of what I did," she finished, her voice almost completely gone, buried underneath an ugly quiet that didn't befit her. Those blue eyes had never looked so full of despair that Misato could recall, except perhaps when his life had been in question. Asuka, she had noticed, could be frighteningly expressive when she let herself go for a moment.
She leaned over without a word and hugged the girl, just holding her there for a moment and trying to figure out what she was supposed to say to the confession.
"That's not true," she whispered into Asuka's ear. "That's not true at all. Now you just tell me what it is you think you did so you can stop feeling guilty because this is not your fault, okay?"
"Well. Okay."
Asuka sighed, returning Misato's embrace, their heads side by side on one another's shoulder.
"At school. There was this guy. Takeshi Fukai. And you see. I wanted—I wanted Shinji to notice me, see. Because, well, I know he likes me. Or. I think he does. Or might. And so I kissed this other guy today, right when Shinji was walking by. You know? Just to—I don't know—just to get his attention I guess. Because I sort of like Shinji too, I guess."
She could not see the woman's shocked face and it was with good cause Misato looked as such. Asuka had never even admitted her feelings for her roommate before. Perhaps if Shinji hadn't cut himself so badly tonight she probably never would have swallowed her pride enough to do so. The girl continued on, oblivious.
"I don't know. I didn't really know how to tell him how I feel. So I figured if I kissed this other boy and he got jealous, then I would know if he liked me or not right? Because... well, there was a time, back when it was really just me and him. Back when everyone else was still somewhere in that lake. And we talked a lot, you know? Talked about everything we had done together. All that stuff. And I think we were close for a while. But that whole time we were alone together he never told me how he felt about me. I guess I never told him either. Once people started showing up, that sort of... disappeared. He. He changed."
Misato nodded to herself. Shinji had been wallowing in something nasty for some time. She'd seen it in him when they'd first moved in together and she'd watched it only get worse. Somehow Asuka, in true justice to her vanity, had gotten the idea that Shinji had tried taking his life over this incident in school. Whatever the real reason, it was probably best to let her finish so she could let this go.
"So anyways, today I figured he would notice if I did this and he would get jealous. And if he did then I would at least know he cared about me and maybe. I don't know. Maybe I could find a way to tell him how I feel."
A sigh.
"But at the time he didn't do anything, you know? He just—acted as if it hadn't happen. So then I thought maybe he really didn't care about me at all. But when he left school—I knew, I just knew I'd upset him. And then when I got home he wouldn't even look at me. So I was really worried about him. I stayed up to apologize to him but then he went to the bathroom. I thought he was trying to hide from me. So I knocked on the door and..."
The rest of it came out as mumbles and tumbling sobs into Misato's jacket. She tried hold the confused girl tightly as she could while the teenager cried helplessly for Shinji, sometimes in rage. "How could you do this?" Sometimes begging. "I just want to be close to you again."
Misato did her best to comfort, starkly aware that'd she'd never felt more close to the person in her arms.
"Shh, shh. You don't have to tell me anything else. I understand, Asuka. It's okay. But I want you to remember something. Something very, very important."
Her crying slowed a little. Misato pulled away and took the gentle curving face in her hands, lifting Asuka's gaze so that they were eye to eye. The tears kept coming, though the blues twinkled back at her softly, intent and listening.
"And this is very important, okay? Pay close attention."
Asuka nodded, choking away another sob.
"Asuka, who was the one to check on Shinji to make sure he was okay tonight? You did. And who kicked in the locked door when he wouldn't open it? You did. Who got my attention? You did. Who saved Shinji today? You did. You understand that? You saved him and I don't care what happened in school, none of this is your fault. You saved his life today."
"But—"
She was shaking her head, red pigtails flying. Misato caught her firmly, interrupting.
"No 'but's! You saved him! You know you did. Now say it back to me. Say: 'I saved Shinji's life today.'"
She nodded weakly, brushing away the hot tears with her forearm with a grunt.
"I... I saved Shinji's life today." Something like strength was returning to her expression.
"That's right. I'm sure he's dreaming of you right now," Misato continued, squeezing her.
"Yeah. Maybe," she replied, an odd, awkward smile flittering across her face like a rainbow after the storm.
"Now let's go see him, shall we?"
"Yeah."
"And you save those tears for when he wakes up, okay?"
Asuka really smiled then, for the first time that night since coming home. It was strained but, it was genuine too.
"Yeah, I guess that would be... nice."
If she stays like this, it really may be the best thing for Shinji to wake up to. I hope she does. For the both of them.
Ikariiiiiiiiii
There had been a time once, when he had sunken into a darkness so deep and so profoundly empty that the only thing left in all of it was himself. In the belly of an Angel from an era so far gone to him now that even the memories seemed to be nothing more than an odd dream. It was as he sat and waited in the cold oblivion of the Entry Plug and the hours of his life support ticked away and stretched into infinities. Alone and trembling in that darkness Shinji began to confront the harsh realities of the hatred he bore for his father, things he had sealed away in his fragile self for so long.
The conflicting memories of his mother's disappearance. His subsequent abandonment. A train wreck of a childhood that spiraled out of control once Yui had left him. Her face, he had assumed forgotten, lay hidden with all these other awful things, like a glowing light in the midst of so much darkness. It all came crashing down on him in those hopeless moments as he waited for death to take him away. Confined. Alone. And embroiled in a battle essentially between himself and himself. A war he could not win.
Ikariiiiiiiiii
Now he was in this place again. Another unfamiliar ceiling in a life full of unfamiliar ceilings. Or was it that subway car? With this other self looking back at him. Whispering terrible things. Things he so desperately wished were not true.
"Shinji, everything that happened that day. I understand it wasn't you doing that. An autopilot, right? You don't have to feel bad or anything. You couldn't stop it from happening. I said it after the accident. And I'd say it again today, even if I was still disabled."
"I should have. Done something, though."
"Friends" are the things you find easiest to hurt
Those cold blue eyes see only hate.
It's your atonement for what you did to her
"Misato, I..."
"You don't have to say anything, Shinji. You did the right thing that day. You saved my life."
"I let you die too..."
So selfish, so weak
He kept the cross anyways. She wanted him to have it. She didn't say why. She just closed his hand around it and closed her arms around him.
You never could do the right thing, could you
"Shinji, Rei gave herself up for you. Not because she had to. Because she wanted to. You're going to have to stop beating yourself up about it at some point."
"I know... I just—can't!"
What a waste
The hand brushed over his cheek and the trance was over. Images of Unit 03's neck snapped in his hands came floating back over the haze. Only he was doing it now, not Unit 01. He was doing it to her.
Killlllllllllllllllllllllll herrrrrr
"We know how hard it was, Shinji. You should be proud. You gave us all—here at NERV and everywhere else in the world—you gave us all another chance. Thanks to you."
"I still feel bad. For all the people who won't take that chance."
"That's because you're a good soul."
Can't you do anything right
"You left me to die... While they ate me. Ate Me! How could you do that to me, Shinji? How could you just sit there and... let me die?"
"Oh God, Asuka. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. Please just. Forgive. Me."
How could you, how could you, how could you, how could you
let me die die die die die die die die die
"That's not true! I didn't let you die! I loved you!"
Who are you talking to, Ikariiiii
"Asuka. Me. You. Whoever this is. I'm sick of you."
Why did you do those things
"You don't exist! You do not exist!"
I don't?
"—exist!"
Then neither do you
"That's not true."
What's the point, this is inseparable from you
"Stop! Why can't you just stop?"
Guilt, Shinji, never ends
"Please..."
This is yours
"No, I can't. I can't live like this. Anymore. I won't."
-Then stop.-
What
"Ayanami?"
-This isn't necessary, Shinji.-
He cannot escape it
-Yes you can. It's just a trick.-
"Ayanami? Is that you?"
No, don't listen to her
"It is you! Rei..."
-Are you ready to let go?-
It's a trick, don't listen to her
"Is it scary?"
-Yes. But it is better... than this.-
No, you don't want to leave this
"What is this?"
-This is you. This is you running away from pain.-
This is easier
"If I stop it, will it be hard?"
-Yes. But this will end as well. You want that, correct?-
You can't do it
"I just. Don't want to be alone."
-You don't have to be.-
Liar! She's lying
"How?"
-Just change your mind.-
"Okay."
You cannooooo
"—I don't want... to be alone, anymore."
"Shinji?"
"That's not Ayanami. Misato? No. Asuka?"
"You can call me Nakamura, commander," the young woman introduced herself to her superior and the disheveled looking girl clasped safely under the woman's arm.
She'd never met either the commander or any of the pilots for that matter, having transferred into NERV post-impact. Her first impressions were not entirely what she had expected either. The commander hardly looked any older than herself, which was saying quite a bit given that she'd just turned twenty-six last month.
The lavender hair was thrown over her black leather jacket in a manner that made her appearance look all the more "fresh out of college." She was a beautiful woman, just as she had heard from many of her co-workers, tall and well-proportioned. Perhaps if Nakamura hadn't respected this woman so much, if they had been in different circumstance—passing each other on the street—she might have been envious of the full lips and large breasts that she seemed quite willing to show off given her outfit. But now they just made her all the more in awe of this incredible woman, Operations Director against the rise of the Angels. It was hard to believe a woman maybe no more than four years her senior had already accomplished so much.
The second child, on the other hand, looked like a shadow of the fiery, red-headed foreigner she'd heard stories about. Her posture was barely upright so that her glowing bangs concealed most of the detail of her face behind a swirl of silky red. While her body easily could have been that of a ballerina's, her slender legs slunk so that she drooped like a waning candle by the commander's side. Her arms hung limp by her sides, while she kept her gaze aimed firmly at the floor and stood beside (or under) the imposing commander.
"Ritsuko informed me you will be taking us to Shinji's room, Dr. Nakamura. She spoke very highly of you," Katsuragi responded.
The younger woman blushed furiously underneath brunette bangs, aiming her gaze squarely at Misato's feet and the linoleum of the NERV hospital main entrance.
"Oh, um, well that was very kind of her. I hope my abilities will live up to expectations," she said, feeling her face flush even deeper.
She caught Misato's soft features watching her with mild satisfaction from the corner of her eye as she returned upright from another customary bow.
"I'm sure they will."
Nakamura stared at them, deer in the headlights.
"Oh dear, here I am congratulating myself instead of taking you to see him. Please excuse my rudeness," she said, turning. "This way, please."
She led them to the elevators. When they began to descend the slumping pilot finally released the unbreakable silence she'd kept. Her voice was resilient yet remarkably thin and tired sounding.
"Is he okay?" she blurted out. Asuka would not look up nor shift from her place by Misato's side.
"Physically speaking, he's very safe, Miss Souryu," Nakamura began, hesitant to use a first name. She bent over to catch a glimpse of the girl's face only to be startled as she suddenly looked up at her, and thrust from underneath that red storm of hair leapt two bright blue-eyes that gleamed—gleamed with the sort of desperation she'd seen in mothers and fathers asking of their sick children.
It was an astonishingly intense face for a girl her age. What Ritsuko had said certainly seemed to ring true. The two had grown close in some ways from their time spent piloting together.
"I'm not a medical doctor, I have my PhD in psychology actually, but what the doctors have told me is that he should be back to normal health in a little under twenty-four hours."
"Really?" the girl responded, relief flooding into the shocking eyes as a deep sigh escaping her parched, cracked lips and she looked away; Misato squeezed her a little tighter beside her.
"Other than a scar or two, yes, really."
The elevator dinged pleasantly as they reached his floor. The three of them stepped out together into to the utterly empty floor, reserved on short notice for the former pilot. Asuka spoke again slowly as they started their march down the white-washed hallway. The fluorescent bulbs overhead highlighted more clearly tear-streaked cheeks and a pale complexion.
"What about him, personally I mean. If you're a psychologist, do you think he'll be... the same?"
Nakamura concealed a tiny frown behind a small nodding of her head, quickly glancing at the clip board of notes she'd had firmly pressed against her chest until now. It was a summarization of his personal file from NERV compiled by Dr. Akagi. And it was two pages full of more trauma than she'd seen in most of her career.
"Well, if you mean psychologically..." Asuka nodded emphatically. "Psychologically speaking, unfortunately we have no way of knowing until he wakes up and speaks to me at least a little bit. What I can tell you is that, from what I understand, this behavior seems atypical of Shinji. While he was quite possibly depressed, one doesn't just decide to take their life one day without some serious circumstance or change in the person beforehand."
Asuka nodded again, darkening and disappearing back into the red haze of her bangs; Nakamura watched as Misato rubbed the girl's shoulder in an almost motherly fashion, the woman's dark eyes focused forwards and grim features marring her attractive face. Realizing that now was not the time to be in any way negative, Nakamura continued and tread as lightly as she could.
"That said, suicide is a particularly unique syndrome, even amongst those who are depressed. It is often a response to a chemical imbalance in the brain rather than the result of a single event or problem. Neither you nor Misato should hold yourselves accountable for his actions in any way."
Misato sighed ever so slightly, and Nakamura cringed. She was being too technical. This was going terribly awry. At this rate, she'd be looking for jobs again by tomorrow.
"Can you. Make him better?" Asuka asked, soft but vivid pain entering the muted tones of her voice.
Nakamura almost gulped at the question. She was really in trouble now if she couldn't say something good here. Misato watched Nakamura from the corner of her stern gaze aimed down the hall.
"Asuka, I won't lie to you. Shinji may be a different person when he wakes up. Nothing I or any of the doctors can do now will change that."
Tears filled the edges of those striking blue eyes, and Nakamura found herself almost succumbing to the pain she knew the words meant for that girl as she spoke them. She forced herself to be honest.
"But what we do have, Asuka—what we do have is the chance to help him get better. I have that chance thanks to the doctors and paramedics. And, according to them, he has that chance thanks to you."
"I... Thank you..." Asuka said, in what sounded like her real voice for the first time since she'd arrived. She leaned her head against Misato's side and the woman responded by clutching the girl even tighter.
Misato nodded to Nakamura slightly after this exchange, a tiny light of relief filling her troubled features as if someone was letting the air out of a tire that had been too full for too long. No doubt the night was taking its toll on the commander too; she was his legal guardian after all. And judging by the file, perhaps much more than that.
"Here we are," the shrink stated, stopping in front of the door.
Asuka bolted from Misato's grip, nearly plowing into the nurse inside before leaping onto the bed and wrapping herself around Shinji in one fluid motion. The door had not even swung back shut before she began whispering into the sleeping boy's ear, clutching him tightly from beneath the sheets. The bewildered nurse seemed on the verge of a reprimand but left quietly with a nod from Misato. She smiled, or did her best despite the circumstance, watching the door close again from besides Nakamura.
"Perhaps the only good thing to come of this," the commander began. "Is that it's finally let Asuka come to terms with her feelings for him." She sighed in a way that sounded satisfied rather than tired.
"Ritsuko had indicated some sort of possible relationship between them—"
"Oh they've been after each other since the first day they met, they just didn't really ever know it," Misato interrupted, making the same awkward smile at the doctor. "By the way, I really appreciate what you said to Asuka. I think she needed to hear it from someone other than me. She's had this big guilt complex about all of this just because she kissed this other boy today to try and make Shinji jealous or something like that. I think she was under the impression this was all because of her."
Nakamura's brow rose fractionally.
"Ah, I see. Thank you, commander. But everything I said to Asuka was in earnest. She really did save his life today."
"I know it was. That's what I appreciate about you good shrinks. You don't bullshit anyone after hearing other people's bullshit for so long," she replied, nudging the doctor good-naturedly with her elbow.
"Oh, uh, I guess I'll take that as a compliment," Nakamura said after a moment, smiling at the other woman.
"Damn right you will, seeing as I'm your commander," Misato cautioned.
Nakamura turned pallid in an instant.
"Just kidding!" Misato exclaimed, winking at the other woman.
Nakamura did her best to laugh along, somewhat uneasily.
"Oh my, Ritsuko must have been telling you some awfully scary things about me, I suppose," Misato pondered, placing her finger upon her chin as she gazed thoughtfully into one of the fluorescent bulbs.
"Eh, er, oh... oh dear," was all she could manage, her face returning to a fraction of its paleness from before. Dr. Akagi and Commander Katsuragi were both technically her boss, and she knew she would offend either one of them with any sort of answer to that statement.
Misato chuckled again, stretching her arms out above her head in the air.
"I like you. Let's get a drink together, I could really use to be a little less sober at the moment," she said suddenly.
"Well..." Nakamura contemplated the dangers of getting trashed with the most powerful woman in Japan.
"Come onnn, I need this!" she said, grabbing the doctor by the wrist.
"Well she did mention this about you," Nakamura said uneasily, as Misato lead her by the hand back down the hall, laughing at the remark.
Misato grinned as they strode towards the tiny lounge of the floor, suddenly so much brighter than she'd been before.
"Ritsu knew me in my college years so she's probably seen the worst of me. I was a real hellion back then," she said, momentarily lost in her revelry. "How about yourself? I bet you drove the boys wild, eh?"
Nakamura found herself blushing for the second time in front of her commander.
"Eh, no, not really... I think I scared them all away."
"Why's that?" Misato prodded, still in high spirits.
"I understood them too well. The ones who just wanted my body. Well they didn't stand a chance obviously. And the one's that wanted a real relationship were always freaked out by how I could tell when they were lying to me."
"Man I wish I'd had you around when I was in college," Misato continued, almost sounding serious.
Nakamura laughed at this comment somewhat genuinely.
"I take it you had lots of suitors in your college years?" she asked her superior tentatively.
"Eh... no, not really, just one particularly troublesome one," the commander replied, an air of something wistful sneaking its way into her tone. She smiled to herself at some memory coming back into focus at the moment.
"What happened?" Nakamura continued, suddenly intrigued by this new side of the woman she did not seem to know at all.
"He... disappeared," she said and the smile faded in the instant, drawing on some darker place.
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. Oh gosh, here I am, turning my boss into another one of my patients! Sorry, I ask a lot of questions. Sort of a habit of my profession I suppose."
"Not at all," Misato waved her away as they entered the white (as if it would be any other color) upholstery of the hospital lounge.
But NERV hospital, even if it was just a hospital, could be classy when it wanted to, maybe even luxurious. For all of the money spent of the state of the art equipment of the facility, since it was housed underneath the city, there was also an effort to give the place a "comfy feel." This particular spot, for instance, had the name of "The Pearl" as if to imply its white décor was some choice of the designer—perhaps it even was, though it bore and odd resemblance to the shade of the hallway and just about everything else in the place.
A few couples and off-work colleagues conversed in hushed tones to one another at various spots in the place over the cool rhythms and melodies of some modern jazz ensemble. The laidback atmosphere almost evaporated as the staffers' eyes bulged when they caught site of Misato and her sitting down together; their supreme commander was sitting down, a few seats away from them, at the place they supposed to be were relaxing in. Even a few of the patients seemed to recognize her, excited grins sneaking into their expressions. The waiter was practically beside himself as he approached the table.
"Mi—Mi—Miss, I mean, uh, Co—Commander Katsuragi, uh, oh, what a pleasant surprise for you to, ah, stop by," he stuttered, practically sloshing their glasses of water over the two of them as he set them down at the table.
"At ease solider," Misato said, making a mock-salute and wink. Her face turned deadly serious then. "Two Gin and Tonics. On the rocks. No straw for me. And don't give us any of that shit Gin. Something nice. Something imported. Oh, and a round for everyone else of whatever they want." The heightened whispers and tense air dissipated in a snap, like the whole room had taken a collective sigh. This wasn't a surprise inspection or worse, she was, for the time being, just looking to get smashed like they were.
"Is it like this everywhere you go?" Nakamura asked quietly, sipping at her water as the anxious stares dissipated.
"Eh, more or less yeah. I tend to blend away more in the city, but any NERV facility is like... well, I'd be less obvious in my unmentionables," she replied.
Nakamura smiled at the joke, briefly considering her commander's breast size. The thought made her both uneasy and at the same time happy that Misato was, more or less, practically still a college grad like herself.
"Is it hard? Being so... idolized by everyone?"
"Not really now-a-days. I'm sure Gendou had it a lot worse than I ever did. But then he probably got off on that kind of thing..." Misato trailed off, impatiently looking around for their cocktails.
"Commander Ikari. Shinji's father, yes?"
Misato nodded.
"The one and only I'm afraid."
Nakamura found herself treading lightly again.
"The files I was given by Ritsu—I mean, Dr. Akagi, said they had a rather... tense relationship," Nakamura spoke, catching herself from almost informally referring to her boss.
"More like dysfunctional," Misato sighed.
"That is a word we use very carefully in my profession. What do you mean, dysfunctional, commander?" Nakamura asked.
"Well I'm sure your report has the cut and dry on him, but if you're going to be evaluating him you might as well get the full story. I met Shinji, for the first time really, when the third Angel came stomping out of the Pacific..."
She could not stop whispering to him. She had to confess it all. All of the feelings. All of the things she had found herself wanting to say over the course of this year. Maybe since even before then. All of it came out like a sinner's whisper to a priest, complete with the complimentary guilt. She apologized for the mean things she'd said. All the times she'd teased him. All of the times she had hurt him physically or otherwise. And a whole host of them about Fukai.
And in between the "sorry"s there were the "I like you"s, the "I care about you"s, and even an "I love you" somewhere in there. She told him her true intentions that day. She explained why she had tried to hurt his feelings so many times, why she had done and said all the nasty things she did. And most of all, why he had to live. To give her a second chance.
All of these things she whispered into the early morning hours in the as she lay under the sheets with him, more intimate than she could ever remember being. And when she had run out of things to say she simply held him, and felt his chest push against her arm with every breath, cherishing the sensation.
As the warmth of their bodies pressed together connected them and the minutes passed she found herself drifting away into sleep along side him. That's when the murmurs started. Soft, unintelligible at first. Then painful. Desperate.
"It's okay," she cooed to him. "It's just a nightmare."
But he wouldn't stop.
They kept coming, every minute or so. Another mumbled something. Sometimes fear. Mostly sad. And then.
"Oh God, Asuka."
She sat up at the name, eyes wide. She stared at him now. Had he heard her sweet nothings? Had he really been awake this whole time? Tricking her?
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."
No. He twitched under her, still asleep. And tears spilled out of his closed, oblivious eyes onto the pillow.
"Please just. Forgive. Me."
She found herself almost crying with him.
"No," she whispered. "It's not your fault. Whatever it is. I forgive you."
She clutched him tighter now, careful not to disturb him, yet firm in her affection. She wanted him to know. She had to make him know. When he woke up, she wanted to be so close that no matter how her head might try and stop her—no matter how embarrassed—she'd be right there with him. Unavoidably. Holding him. Waiting for him.
But before she could even lay back down, she watched as his eyes fluttered. Opening. Awake.
"Shinji..."
"I—Asuka?"
"Shinji." She had told herself over and over again that she wouldn't cry. She had promised herself. But. "I'm sorry. Please, don't... don't ever leave me again. Not like this. Just not like this..."
"Asuka..."
He returned the weeping girl's embrace semi-numbly, almost unwilling to believe he had woken up. He had to be dreaming again, he reasoned. Only the Asuka in his dreams would hold him like this. Only she would say those things. Only she would dare cry in front of him or actually apologize for anything. It couldn't be real. But he let it continue on, content—it was the happiest dream he'd ever had.
He found himself in disbelief as the seconds became minutes. Total disbelief as they drifted off to sleep, together, finally together after so long. The worst/greatest day of his life.
Fin
A/N: There it is. I think I left enough clues and enough mysteries to resolve well. Hopefully most of the angst seemed at least a little justitified/natural. The opening lyrics are from "The Beginning" by Nine Inch Nails which totally fit when taken out of context and which completely don't work when taken with the rest of the song. I was mostly listening to Radiohead when I edited this and Tool/NIN when I wrote it.
I'm really sorry for the delay. I could have had this out last week but I've been working my ass off for school recently. With my dad coming to visit me in Tokyo, the school year finishing up, and summer plans to be made I'm more busy than I expected.
I hope you guys liked this story. I originally started it as the beginning of something much, much bigger. I'm not sure if I plan on adding to it any further and I've got another love right now called "A Thousand Years of Secrecy" that I simply cannot stop working on. Since I try and keep myself working on only one long piece at a time this is done for now, but who knows, we may see some more chapters out of this as yet. For now I'm not going to mark it complete just in case but I think you will agree that this is a nice place to end.
Much love to all of the incredible reviews and criticisms. Look out for more short stuff when I have the ideas/time/motivation.
Thanks for reading.