Title:
No
Author:
Ex-Professor Remus Lupin
Rating:
PG
Genre:
Humor/Parody
Era:
Marauder
Pairing(s):
Remus/Sirius…I think
Summary:
Sirius isn't coming out.
Disclaimer:
This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by
JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to
Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner
Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark
infringement is intended.
Author's
Note: I blame WB for this. It's stupid and I doubt it's very
funny…ah well. Also, you're not going to get it unless you keep up with Mugglenet.
-
Remus
sighed, leaning casually against the door of the bathroom, listening
for any sound of Sirius behind it. Lily and Bellatrix (who looks far
too old to be wearing a Hogwarts uniform) were in the room for some
reason, though he couldn't fathom why and he had the odd feeling
that James and Peter weren't around. His stomach turned and he
brought a hand up to scratch his nose. Well, that was new.
"When did I grow a mustache?" he asked Bellatrix.
She shrugged and sat imperiously on the bed while Lily leaned seductively against the wall and managed to pull off a very adorable face. Remus wondered for a moment if he were going crazy.
"Sirius?" he asked, thumping the door with the flat of his palm.
"I'm not coming out!" Sirius shouted.
Remus had the distinctly feeling that Sirius sounded too old and too crazy to be his Sirius. He really must have been dreaming.
"Any reason you aren't?" he asked.
"They don't want me!" Sirius shouted back. "I don't want them and they don't want me!"
"Sirius, that is hardly coherent," Remus said carefully.
"And you're a git and you don't want me either!"
"Maybe you ought to speak with WB," Lily suggested coyly.
"Who?" Remus asked.
"WB. Warren Bailey," Bellatrix drawled. "He might be able to solve all of our problems."
"Who is that?" Remus asked, trying to remember if he'd ever heard of a Warren Bailey.
"No! They hate me!" Sirius shouted.
"Oh bloody hell," Remus buried his face in his palms, hoping he'd wake up. He had to be dreaming. None of this made sense and Bellatrix had graduated a year ago, she shouldn't even be in Hogwarts, let alone in the Gryffindor fifth year dorm. "Sirius, if you don't come out here now, I swear I'm going to–"
The door swung open behind him and he fell to the floor with a thud.
"Moony? What the hell are you on about?" Sirius demanded, gazing down at him, clearly perplexed.
"I…"
"You feeling all right?" James' asked curiously.
Jumping to his feet, Remus gazed wildly at James sprawled out like a cat on his bed, Peter sitting on the floor beside him. All three of them were staring at him as if he had grown another head. Shaking his head, Remus collapsed onto the nearest bed – Sirius' – and tried to remember what the hell he had been thinking.
-
Author's
Note: I told you it was stupid.