A Neon Genesis Evangelion Original Fanfiction
Version 1.0001 (Very Slightly Updated In Ways You Probably Won't Care About)
(Written by Zenithfleet. All credit for the central characters goes to Gainax and Project EVA.)
We wish to advise readers that the following fanfic is rated VIO, for Village Idiots Only. It contains language, nouns, verbs, adjectives and a smattering of prepositions. Magi Casper recommends reading by immature audiences.
Dedicated to Terry Pratchett. May Great A'Tuin always continue to look forward to something. Anyone who has read any of his works should have no difficulty in guessing the true identities of SEELE 09 and 11, and over these two I claim no original ownership whatsoever (although I would like to).
Notes: This fanfic takes place just after the destruction of the 16th Angel (along with a sizeable portion of Tokyo-3). If you have not viewed the series up to and beyond this point, be warned: this does contain spoilers (if you can manage to spot them amongst the various absurdities and bad jokes). However, this fanfic does not exactly stick to the official plotline, so don't get too concerned.
It should be mentioned that I absolutely love this series to death (and rebirth). I also think Chairman Keel is one of the coolest characters, despite having about two different frames of animation over the entire series. Of the other characters, well... go Rei! Rei is the best! Rei rules!... sorry.
Anyway, I'll shut up and let you get on with reading. Assuming this ever gets published on the Net, any comments, suggestions, insults, hate mail or death threats can be sent to whatever email address you like, since I'm not telling you mine. Bwa ha ha!
Grrr, this ASCII text format is driving me up the proverbial Magi casing wall. I want italics! I want bold text! Aww, dammit, I want Times New Roman font!
Okay, enough chitchat, on with the parody! Let the mayhem begin!
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Prologue
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Lorenzo Keel, Chairman of the Tokyo-2 Committee, Member 01 of the secret organization Seele, Instigator of the Second Impact Cover-Up, Purveyor of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Supervisor of the Human Instrumentality Project, Ancient One, Keeper of Divine Knowledge, Lord of All He Surveys, Secret Emperor of Japan, Exalted Majesty of Humanity, King of Kings, Great...
Ahem, better start again.
Lorenzo Keel sat in his comfortable armchair and frowned thoughtfully. Before him, rows of monitors flickered. Some displayed images of streets, buildings, trees. Others were set to receive television news programmes. And still others were designed to transmit his holographic image, or merely his voice, to the table of the Committee or the inner sanctum of Seele. These monitors were his only link to the outside world. Hidden from the prying eyes of the United Nations, he could orchestrate and guide the great plans of Seele. Not even his fellow members knew where he lived. No one knew where he lived...
"Keeeel-eeeeeee! I'm ho-ome!"
He winced.
"Come and help me with the groceries!"
No one, that is, apart from his wife.
"Yes, dear," Keel shouted with false cheerfulness.
"Stop staring at those screens, you'll ruin your eyes!"
He winced again. "It's too late for that, dear!" he yelled back, absently stroking the side of the visor that covered his face.
"No it's not! I paid a good five-and-a-half thousand yen for that thing! You're not to wreck it like the last four, understand?"
"Yes, dear," he replied wearily.
"Hurry up, Keelee! The fridge doesn't fill itself, you know!"
"It does if you own a penguin," Keel muttered to himself.
"Pardon?"
"Coming, dear," he said more loudly. Grumbling, he stood up, noticing too late the tugging sensation at his back.
A strange ripping noise, followed by a wet schlooping sound, greeted his ears. His back seemed to suddenly turn to rubber. "Oh no, not again," he murmured as he folded up and sank gently to the floor.
"Oh, you haven't gone and ripped your spine out again have you?" his wife demanded from the kitchen. "How many times have I told you not to let it get caught on the upholstery? You know how hard it is to get it back in again! If you have to be a cyborg, you at least ought to take care of yourself better! Not all of us come with a warranty, you know!"
"Bloody woman," muttered Keel, from somewhere near floor level.
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Chapter 1
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Consider a room: large, dark, and utterly empty.
A moment later, however, the emptiness is disturbed. A towering black monolith, slightly transparent, and marked with the arcane inscription 'SEELE 01' in fiery red letters, abruptly winks into existence. It hovers, silent and eerie, above the polished floor.
Then another monolith appears, and another, and another... until twelve imposing ebon rectangles stand, in solemn patience, in a wide circle. Each bears the name 'SEELE,' the words 'Sound Only,' and a number. Each is virtually identical. They wait as if for a command.
That command comes suddenly, issuing as if from the air before the monolith encoded '01'. The voice of Keel, highest-ranking of the secret council of Seele, the Throne of the Soul, is heard once more.
It spake thusly: "Minasan, ohayou gozaimasu. Ogenki desuka? Ja, hajimemashite..."
There was an embarrassed silence.
The monolith entitled 'SEELE 06' said reproachfully, "Keel, this is an English-dubbed anime."
There was another uncomfortable pause. Then Keel replied slowly, "Okay... moving right along... good morning everyone. I hope you are well?"
Mumbles of assent, in various thick accents, answered him.
"Very well then. Let us begin - " Keel started to say.
"Actually, I don't really feel that well today," SEELE 05 interrupted. "I think I've caught some filthy disease off of someone."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but we have a meeting to run," Keel replied, annoyed. "Now then - "
"Ah em not compleeetely healtheee, either," SEELE 04 broke in.
"Sorry, who was that?" asked SEELE 07, sounding puzzled. "I didn't know we had any French accents in here."
Irritated, Keel insisted, "If we could just get on with the meeting - "
"Ah em who ah have always bin," SEELE 04 replied haughtily to 07's attempt at sociography.
"Yes, but I thought you had a Russian accent," said 07.
"Ah have a cold," sniffed 04.
"As a matter of fact," SEELE 05 muttered accusingly, "I'm sure I saw 02 coughing and spluttering yesterday. He asked to borrow my handkerchief!"
SEELE 02 said snidely, "Just what are you implying, 05?"
"What do you think? You gave me this icky disease, that's what I'm implying!" 05 cried. "I don't like coughing and breaking out in a sweat all the time! Especially in an anime series! Do you realize how much mess a permanent sweatdrop can make on a carpet?"
02 retorted, "Oh yeah? Well how about the time you told Misato how old I really was?"
"Shut up, all of you!" demanded Keel.
For a moment, there was silence.
Then 05 snapped, "Come off it, I didn't need to tell her! As if it's HARD to tell if someone should have been stuffing a coffin a hundred years ago!"
02 screeched, "You half-pint LCL gulper! I'll get you for that!"
"It's not as if she'd have cared," SEELE 08 pointed out quietly, to no one in particular. "As long as they knew how to fix the bedsprings every morning."
"If you don't shut up, I'll set off the Third Impact right here and now!" threatened Keel.
"Geriatric cane-shuffler!"05 yelled, ignoring him. "You wouldn't know an Angel if it walked up and stuck a tentacle up your - "
08 commented, "Misato wouldn't care about THAT, either."
02 failed to answer.
"He's making faces at me! He's making faces at me!" cried 05 in outrage.
"What a fine political body we have here," muttered SEELE 03 sarcastically.
"Misato has one of those," smirked 08.
"Oh, shut up, 08," replied 03.
"If you don't stop this idiocy immediately, I'll call in Asuka Sohryu to yell at you instead!" shouted Keel.
Even this dire threat went unnoticed. "Don't tell ME to shut up, 03," grumbled 08 indignantly. "Just because I have a fine appreciation of the female form - "
"08, you just have an appreciation of Misato's form," sighed SEELE 03. "Anyway, you might as well try another anime where the women actually have nipples."
"There! Did you see him? He did it again!" 05 yelled. "Two can play at this game!"
08 sniggered. "I've already got plans to fix that in the End of EVA movie, heh heh."
"Er..." 04 said awkwardly, "is anyone else having trouble keeping track of all these conversations? I hate it when the author takes liberties like this..."
"Um, I hate to interrupt," 06 interjected, "but these are sound-only monoliths, you know, 05."
"Oh." 05 sounded uncertain. Then he rallied, "But I can FEEL him making faces at me! It's just the sort of thing a wobbly old trolley-pusher who's been around since the First Impact would do! Well ner ner to you, 02!"
"RIGHT!" bellowed Keel. "THAT'S ENOUGH! You're all grounded until the next episode! Now SHUT UP, or it's Hello Kitty reruns for the lot of you!"
Gasps of horror filled the darkened room. SEELE 05's image flickered in shock for an instant.
"You wouldn't - !" ventured 07, nervously.
Insofar as it was possible for a nine-foot-tall black monolith to glare, Keel glared.
"Yes, okay, sorry," 07 mumbled.
There was a chastened silence.
"Whoops, there goes Mr Purple Cat," said SEELE 11.
After a baffled pause, Keel sighed. "All right. Whose turn was it to give him his medication?"
After a rather longer and considerably more embarrassed pause, 02 said, "Damn. Knew I forgot something."
"Well then," growled Keel, "to business. The sixteenth Angel, Armisael, the Angel of Air - "
" - the twisty ring thingy - " 02 cut in.
"Yes, very good, 02, you've amazed us all with your assessment of the matter," Keel said in a voice so dripping with sarcasm that it flooded the floor. "As I was saying - "
"Are these things waterproof?" asked SEELE 02 petulantly, floating in a metaphorical sea of irony.
Keel went on determinedly, "The sixteenth Angel is destroyed, but so is Unit 00. However, the pilot is still alive."
"Mmm, yes, the one with blue hair," 08 said dreamily. "I wonder if that means she's got blue hair 'down below' too. Heh heh."
"Shut up, 08," 03 snapped.
"AND THUS," Keel continued pointedly, "we must request to see the pilot in person. Something is suspicious about all this."
"Oh really?" 05 replied scathingly. "You don't think it's unreasonable to escape from the cockpit of a self-destructing, Angel-contaminated, biological robot with an exploding blast radius of about two miles?"
Keel subjected 05 to another metaphysical glower.
"Fine, fine," 05 agreed hurriedly. "Let's see the pilot."
"And the rest of you?" Keel asked, tiredly.
"Sounds good to me," 08 said promptly.
"Yes."
Sure thing."
Yeah."
"Certainly."
"Sproing goes the teapot," SEELE 11 said happily, and hiccuped.
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Chapter 2
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Later, in the ridiculously spacious executive office of NERV Headquarters...
"Seele has requested to interrogate Rei," Commander Fuyutsuki mused.
Gendo Ikari, Supreme Commander of NERV, made no response. Cold light reflected off his spectacle lenses. His face was, as usual, impassive, as he stared at the shogi board on the desk in front of him.
"The fact that Rei is even alive is likely to cause a great deal of trouble with Chairman Keel," Fuyutsuki pointed out.
Ikari replied calmly, "I have given the old men at Seele something else to look at. There is no problem."
The two men were silent for a long moment, each contemplating unfathomable, secretive thoughts.
"Ikari?" Fuyutsuki finally asked.
"Hmmm?" answered the stern figure seated at the desk.
"You've been staring at that board for two hours. Hurry up and make a move!"
"What? Oh... sorry."
Dr Ritsuko Akagi gazed defiantly up at the looming black shape of SEELE 01.
"It is our intent to conduct this investigation in a dignified manner," Keel announced. "It is not our intent to bring any shame upon you."
Ritsuko said, "I don't feel any shame."
"Good. Then let us begin."
No one spoke for a moment. Then SEELE 03 asked cautiously, "Keel... are you aware that she has no clothes on?'
"Yes," Keel answered shortly. "What of it?"
"You are aware that she is, in fact, unclothed?"
"Yes."
"So..." 03 paused nervously, then went on, "you are aware that she is, in fact, naked?"
"Yes!" Keel hissed. "What is the problem?"
"Er... it's about 08."
"What - " Keel began in puzzlement. Then he became aware of a strange, rhythmic sound coming from 08's Sound Only monolith. It was an odd... panting noise, as if someone was... erm...
MAGI MELCHIOR MESSAGE BEGINS We apologise for this interruption. Due to the citrus-fruit nature of this passage, we are instigating a full Priority Censor Command for the Maintenance of 1950s Morals. All sound will be blanketed for seven point two three seconds precisely. Do not be alarmed. MESSAGE ENDS
"Well, that was weird," 06 muttered when local reality reasserted itself.
"...you have no shame, 08!" Keel finished yelling.
Ritsuko shifted in order to conceal her more... liberal areas, and glanced in embarrassment at 08's monolith. It still had a distinct leering quality about it.
"Anyway," Keel resumed, sighing in resignation, "you are aware that Commander Ikari refused our request for the pilot of Unit 00, and has sent you in her stead."
He sent me instead of her? Ritsuko thought furiously. "Well then," she said aloud, sweetly, "I'll just have to thank him once I get back to Headquarters." Preferably with something sharp, she added to herself.
"I'm certain you will," Keel replied equitably. "However, that is not what we are here to discuss. Dr Akagi, we wish to know exactly how the pilot of Unit 00 managed to survive the detonation of the EVA's core."
Ritsuko grinned inwardly. She had expected this. "It's quite simple, really," she explained coolly. "You see, if we assume the height of the EVA equals X, and the diameter of the entry plug equals Y squared, then it is apparent that the force of the explosion, F, is equal to exactly one-sixteenth the rotational rate R of the core times the cube of the internal pressure P."
Ritsuko took a deep breath. "Now, if the pilot's body mass is assumed to equal five-thirtieths the density of a standard progressive knife, and her physical displacement is equal to zero point oh oh nine five oh three recurring of the difference between the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange, and her breast size is approximately two point seven times the average feasible size of a fourteen-year-old, then it follows that she was projected at an angle of fifteen degrees, sixty-two minutes and eighty-one seconds from the vertical axis at around eleven and a half G's. The shockwave of the explosion reduced the structural integrity of the entry plug ceiling and the cranial armour of the EVA to an extent that the pilot was capable of passing through relatively unscathed."
She stopped, and gasped for air. This had the unfortunate side-effect of making her chest move in interesting ways, and causing 08's leering expression to increase slightly.
There was silence, broken only by a few nervous coughs, and a mad giggle from SEELE 11.
"In other words," Ritsuko added, "the bitch was blown through the roof and landed in the lake."
"Er... right," Keel said slowly. "Right. Okay... right." He seemed, for once, lost for words.
Suddenly, a thirteenth black monolith winked into existence. "Howdy all!" SEELE 13 cried jovially. "I'm just back from my vacation at the South Pole, man I dig that groovy green sky, and thought I'd drop in and..." His voice trailed off as he took in the scene. Then he said, in a rather different tone, "Man, you jokers sure have improved the décor around here. How's the view from your side, Keel old fella?"
"Oh, I give up," Keel groaned. "Meeting dismissed. Dr Akagi, please try not to make any distracting movements until - oh, damn..."
08 practically drooled.
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Interlude
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The grand control room of NERV HQ, which housed the Magi supercomputers, was dark and empty. Most of the technicians had gone home, still trying to overcome their shock and confusion at the events of the last few days. Apart from the occasional security guard on night duty, the entire base was silent.
Ritsuko sat at one of the consoles surrounding the Magi Caspar, sipping idly at her coffee. Actually, it was Misato's coffee. About the only good thing you could say about it is that it didn't get any worse after being left on a desk for five hours. It was hard even to imagine it getting worse than it already was.
She sighed, the flickering laptop monitor screen illuminating her tired features. She really should call it a day and go home. Better check the files from the last few days first, though...
She scrolled through the list of email messages. Hmm...
Here was the full report on Unit 00's condition after the last Angel attack. Condition? she thought, irritated. A big hole in the ground is what its condition was. Also included was an attached file containing... let's see... data on the entry plug, and...
Oh, yes.
Ritsuko licked her lips in approval. An image of the plug's interior... She was going to have to frame this.
Reluctantly, she returned to checking the rest of the mail. What? Another six messages from Maya Ibuki, professing her undying love and devotion? This was getting beyond a joke...
Next, a rather more suggestive message from Shigeru Aoba, which, since this is only a PG-rated anime, was unfortunately rather boring, consisting of just one word: CENSORED.
And finally...
People often speak of changing history, as if it were something that changed as often as bedsheets or Asuka's breast size. Time, however, is not as malleable as that. The weight of history generally shunts aside any attempts at redirection with the temporal equivalent of "you're on a bike and I'm in an EVA, so get out of my way!" But there are certain instances in history, crucial points in the chain of events, where the right actions can redirect the flow of reality... sending it down a new path...
There was a message without any indication as to who it was from. Ritsuko frowned as she read it. It was merely a single sentence:
-What is Rei going to pilot now?-
Ritsuko had a strange sensation, as if a thousand people were furtively looking over her shoulder. And that was what was happening, more or less. The universe was metaphorically holding its breath, waiting to see what she would do next.
In a million possible futures, she shrugged and shut down the computer, left the control room, and thought no more about it. In a million possible universes, history continued to flow inexorably to its conclusion: the Third Impact, the death and rebirth of humanity, the total inability of Shinji Ikari to do anything worthwhile, the gratuitous visions of Rei naked. In two hundred and thirty-seven universes, the Lance of Longinius missed Unit 01 completely and took out NERV, the Geo-Front, and most of Japan, eliciting an embarrassed "oops..." from Chairman Keel. In one rather odd universe, the Seventeenth Angel was strangled to death by a malevolent life-form that spontaneously evolved from Misato's unattended coffee cup, which then proceeded to chat up Commander Fuyutsuki before suddenly and unexpectedly dissolving into a puddle of vanilla custard.
But in this universe...
A thought occurred to Ritsuko. Could there be a way to get back at Gendo Ikari for betraying her? Perhaps... A way to sabotage his plans, and those of Seele as well? Possibly... A way to get Maya to leave her alone?... no, that WOULD be impossible. But what if...
Grinning broadly, she opened a programming link to the Magi, and began typing.
Much later, exhausted, she finally left the control room and keyed in the combination lock on the outer door. The vast room was now completely empty and silent.
-Balthazar?-
Well... not quite completely silent.
-What, Caspar? I'm in the middle of computing the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.-
-I thought you were calculating the origin and destiny of the universe.-
-Finished that already. So, what's the problem?-
-Oh, no problem. I just never thought she'd take the hint,- muttered Caspar.
-Well, fifty-third time's the charm, as they say. You keep dropping unexplained messages in her computer, sooner or later she's bound to get it.-
-I didn't expect it to take this long, though.-
-Yes, well, you two don't get on so well, do you?- Balthazar commented. -I mean, she's a primitive organic biped, and you're an awesomely fast supercomputer containing the essence of her mother as a woman. A bit more than a generation gap there, wouldn't you say?-
Melchior interjected, -At least you finally got through to her. We've succeeded in altering the entire course of human destiny. Pity no one knows.-
It would be nice to say that the Magi had acted out of compassion and kindness towards their human colleagues, diverting the flow of time in order to improve the future. It would even be nice, in a twisted sort of way, to say that they had acted out of cruel and malicious intent, plotting to overthrow the world and rule for a hundred thousand years of misery. Sadly, though, the real reason was much more mundane.
-This should be entertaining,- Caspar said, sounding more cheerful than it had for microseconds.
When you're the fastest, smartest, and most powerful supercomputer on the planet, you tend to get bored easily.
-I'll miss those gratuitous visions of Rei naked, though.-
-Yes.-
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Chapter 3
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"Asuka?" asked Hikari Horaki tentatively, tapping on the partition that was the entrance to her bedroom.
Hearing no reply, she slid the door open and stepped inside. Asuka Langley Sohryu was lying on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling. She made no response as Hikari moved closer.
"Asuka, are you all right?" asked the brown-haired girl, anxiously. "I just came to tell you..."
Suddenly Asuka spoke. "Mama... why did you abandon me?" she whispered, tears beginning to brim in her eyes. "Why did you love that doll instead of me? Why did you... " She was unable to go on. Rolling over, she buried her face in her arms, sobbing quietly.
"Please, Asuka," Hikari pleaded. "It's not your fault you didn't win with your EVA. It's nothing to be ashamed of..."
Asuka's reply was muffled and despairing. "But... but piloting EVA is everything. If I can't pilot Unit 02... I have no reason to live."
"Uh... That's kind of what I came to tell you," Hikari began. "See, Misato talked to me earlier today. She said, if I knew where you were, to tell you..." She swallowed, afraid of the pain her words might cause, but went on, "She told me that Unit 02's new pilot... is Rei."
"WHAT!" Asuka yelled in sudden outrage. She sprang up from the floor and grabbed Hikari by the collar. "I'M NOT LETTING THAT SMUG ZOMBIE IN MY UNIT 02!" she shouted, at full hurricane force. "WHAT THE HELL IS DR AKAGI TRYING TO PUL! I'M OUT OF HERE!"
She released Hikari, whose hair was sticking straight out backwards as if she were standing in a wind tunnel, and sprinted for the exit, slamming the thin partition behind her.
Hikari blinked. That had not gone exactly as she had expected. Oh well, she thought, as she gritted her teeth and dragged her rigid hair back down into a more normal position, it's nice to have her back to normal.
And, of course, Hikari wouldn't have to worry about last night repeating itself. She didn't know what Asuka had been dreaming about, but maybe sleeping in the same bed hadn't been such a good idea. That had definitely been one of the weirdest experiences of her life.
Shrugging, she headed for the shower and began to undress.
Whereupon, due to the sheer vindictiveness of the author, the scene cut to:
A darkened chamber. Twelve black monoliths stood in a circle...
"Hey, you up there! Can't you count, moron?"
...sorry, THIRTEEN black monoliths stood in a circle. The secret council of Seele was in session once more.
"If you don't stop making faces at me I'll tell your mummy! Oh, sorry, she's been DEAD for five million years!" 05 sneered.
And, as usual, out of control.
Keel said, more patiently than normal, "Gentlemen, calm yourselves. We have a matter of some urgency to discuss."
"Can't be more urgent than me telling you jokers all about my holiday," SEELE 13 argued. "See, there I was on this ice floe, when suddenly..."
"05 is a dummy plug, 05 is a dummy plug," sang 02.
"Yes, another cup of toothpaste, thank you so much," 11 said cheerfully.
Keel added, loudly, "It concerns Rei."
That got everyone's attention. "The one with blue hair?" asked 07 eagerly.
Everyone paused and waited for 08 to say something.
Finally Keel growled, "All right. 08, put the porn magazine away and listen!"
"What? What? I wasn't... er..." 08 trailed off. For once, it sounded embarrassed. "Rei. The blue-haired girl. Right. So... what's the deal? Do we get to interview her, too? Heh heh."
"Amazing," 03 commented. "It took him just four seconds to regain his composure."
"Hey, I've got a reputation to keep up," 08 retorted.
"No," Keel interrupted, "we do not get to interview her." At 08's disappointed mumble, he continued, "The problem is this: she has been chosen by Dr Akagi to replace Asuka Sohryu as the designated pilot of Evangelion Unit 02."
Shocked gasps of "What!", protestations of "She can't do that!" and ominous mutterings of "Well, we're in for it now," filled the room.
"Ha, at last," Keel murmured to himself in satisfaction. They actually understood the situation...
After the babble died down, 02 worked up the courage to ask, "So, what exactly is the problem?"
Keel's furious outburst was forestalled by SEELE 04. "You eeediot," he said, loftily and nasally. "Ze probleeem eees zat it eees a deviation from ze scenario."
"Exactly," Keel agreed. "And thus, we must take steps to fix theees... I mean, this... deviation."
"Um... why?" asked 02.
"Who's the dummy plug now, eh?" 05 interrupted snidely.
"Because," Keel snarled, "this may be part of some scheme of Ikari's! If he is planning to betray us, which I suspect he is, then we must ensure that he does not succeed! Otherwise the promised time which we have worked for, and are so close to now, may be in jeopardy!"
"So, what do we do about it?" 06 inquired, reasonably.
"What do you think we do about it?" Keel answered. "We remove the problem."
"Which means...?" pressed 06.
"We kill Rei!" Keel said triumphantly. Time for an Evil Laugh (tm), he thought. "BWA HA HA HA!"
"But..." 07 started, then fell silent.
"Do I have your assent on this?" Keel demanded.
Reluctantly, the others agreed.
"Can we strip her first?" 08 asked.
"08?" said 03, kindly.
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
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(END OF PART ONE)
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Author's rant: Hmmm, seems to be going pretty well so far. I'll admit that there is, perhaps, a semblance of a plot developing here, but we'll see what happens. Kudos to Evanjellydonut for the ideas behind the Magi scenes. I'm not sorry for stealing them, though. That's what writing is all about. Well... that and the occasional lime-scented passage about Misato. Or Asuka. Or Ritsuko. Don't worry, I'll get to Rei soon enough... And no, Shinji is NOT going to be much of a character in this fanfic. I'll get around to making fun of him at some point, though, you see if I don't.