Part Two: The Thick Plottens
(Written by the great and mighty Zenithfleet. All credit to the central characters goes to... you guessed it... GAINAX and Project EVA.)
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Chapter 4
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Somewhere in the apartment, a door slammed.
Major Misato Katsuragi awoke with a start. "Wha - what...?" she muttered blearily, rubbing her eyes. She lifted her head from the desk with a groan. "Ooh... my head feels like an exploding N2 mine."
She focused on the wood grain of the desk surface, which appeared to be undulating gently up and down. Spots danced in front of her eyes. They seemed to be doing the tango.
"How much did I drink last night...?" she wondered, hazily.
A six-inch tall Evangelion, wearing a party hat and a hoop skirt, and flashing on and off in neon yellow, cartwheeled across the desk.
"Ouch. That much, huh?" Misato mumbled.
"MISATO!" a familiar voice screeched.
Katsuragi winced. "Keep it down," she said faintly. "Some of us want to die quietly."
"Misato!" yelled the voice again. The door to her study was thrown open. Asuka stood in the entrance, glaring balefully at her.
"Asuka?" Misato asked, carefully pressing her hands to the sides of her head in case it fell off. "You're... you're home?"
"Well, what does it look like?" the redhead demanded impatiently.
"You're not... ow... a hallucination?"
"Not last time I checked, no," Asuka retorted.
"Well... what about that purple thing with three eyes sitting on your shoulder?"
Asuka looked baffled. "Huh? What are you blathering about, Misato?"
"Oh... nothing. Is the top of my head still on?" Katsuragi asked.
"Yes."
"Pity."
Asuka shook her head in exasperation. "Listen, Misato, what's this damned nonsense about Ayanami piloting my Unit 02?"
"Um..." Misato concentrated. "I think... since Rei has nothing to pilot now, Ritsuko's decided to let her use Unit 02 instead... because you're depressed and in traumatic shock." She blinked at Asuka. "Only... you're not, are you?"
"Oh, this is stupid," Asuka growled. "I'm having a shower, and then I'm going to sort this out with wondergirl once and for all. Nobody uses my Unit 02! Especially not her!" With an infuriated 'rrarghh!', she turned and strode haughtily away from Misato's door.
Katsuragi tried to stand. "What was that all about?" she wondered. "Ow..."
She caught a glimpse of Pen Pen, peering in at her through the open doorway. "Qwaaa?" the penguin asked inquisitively.
"Pen Pen?" Misato frowned in puzzlement. "I didn't know you wore suspenders."
"Qwaaa?"
"Or that you could turn blue."
"Qwaaa."
Suddenly, a thought crossed her mind - an unusual occurrence, certainly - and she stiffened. "Wait a minute... where's Shinji...?"
An outraged scream of "ACH! PERVERT!" echoed through the apartment.
Misato sagged. "In the shower," she answered herself glumly.
Later, in a disused and worn-down block elsewhere in Tokyo-3...
Asuka stood at the front door to Rei's nondescript home. Actually, that's not entirely true. It was very easy to descript. It looked as if it had been on the wrong end of a dump truck for several years, and that the tenant did not understand the concept of a broom, although a flamethrower would probably have been more effective.
She pressed the doorbell and eyed the device impatiently. After a moment, she glanced around.
The mailing slot was stuffed full of leaflets, brochures, letters, free shampoo bottles, fan mail from thousands of Ayanami-obsessed EVA freaks, and suspicious-looking brown packages that bore messages like "To Rei, from Aunty Ritsuko" and were ticking ominously. Asuka rummaged idly through the pile of junk, being careful not to venture too deep - there seemed to be things moving down there - and pulled out a handful of loose pamphlets. She scanned the top brochure.
" 'Does Your Head Feel Like the Thirteenth Angel's Crawling Around in Your Brain?' " she read aloud. " 'Take ARGON GENESIS and Relax!' " She shrugged and leafed through another one.
' "We Are Living in the Last Days! The End of the World is Nigh! Final chance to buy tickets,' " she read. "What the hell...?"
'NEW! Super Deluxe AB (Absolute Blue) Field NERV Brand Shampoo!' the next leaflet proclaimed excitedly. 'Give Your Hair the Ayanami Treatment!'
A note at the bottom warned, 'Caution: this product will not allow you to pilot an Evangelion, die repeatedly, or become one with Lilith. We cannot be held responsible for any loss of emotions or sudden vegetarianism experienced as a result of using this product.'
"Ah, geez," Asuka said in boredom, flicking the papers and cardboard over her shoulder. There was an unexpected thud as they struck something, and it felt as though her shoulder had suddenly gotten lighter. Turning, she caught a glimpse of something small and purple scampering into an alleyway.
Shrugging again, she glared at the door. Unlike most things, it was undaunted by her patented Asuka Glare of Fury(tm), and steadfastly refused to open itself. "Oh, sure, wondergirl, don't answer your own doorbell," she snorted, and shoved the door open herself.
Inside, the lighting was dim. Asuka entered the cramped bedroom, shaking her head in disgust at the piles of bloody bandages scattered across the floor. "Must be her time of the month," she murmured. "HEY, AYANAMI!" she yelled. "YOU HERE?"
A door slid open behind her. Asuka turned.
Rei Ayanami stood in the doorway. In deference to the fact that she had just used the shower, she was wearing a towel. In deference to the fact that she was drop-dead gorgeous, she was not wearing anything else. And in deference to the fact that the author has no shame, the towel was wrapped around her head like a turban. It made her look vaguely like an Arabian goddess, although any Arab who saw her would probably need to go for a healthy run and a brisk dip in the mirage.
"Yes?" she said quietly.
It took about half a second for Asuka's shock to be replaced by anger. "Gott in Heimmel, put some clothes on, wondergirl, and stop pointing those things at me." She crossed her arms over her own (rather inferior) chest, and glowered at Rei.
As she did so, she noticed something that would have proven SEELE 08's embarrassingly intimate hypothesis to be true. She raised her eyebrows, but said nothing.
Rei calmly crossed the room, walking in a way that would make boys swoon, Shinji faint, and 08 take pictures. She removed various items of clothing from her drawer and dressed swiftly and efficiently, much to the disappointment of the people using the NERV Security Camera concealed in the wall.
"What do you want?" she asked softly, once she was fully dressed.
Asuka narrowed her eyes. "I hear that Dr Akagi wants to make you the new pilot of Unit 02," she said sweetly. "I guess that means you feel pretty smug, huh?"
"No," Rei replied.
Asuka's fury exploded. "Just because you were stupid enough to blow up your own EVA to save that pathetic Shinji, you think you can walk in and take over my Unit 02? You emotionless windup doll! I had a really good sulk going, and you had to go and ruin it!"
Rei looked at her, undaunted, and said, "Dr Akagi requires my presence at the lab today." Without another word, she walked past Asuka and out of the room.
The red-haired girl stared as Ayanami left the apartment and set off down the street.
"Where do you think you're going? Hey! Wait! How dare you...!" Asuka cried, chasing after her.
A few minutes later, a man with a close-cropped dark beard, wearing impassive glasses and white gloves, wandered by. Noticing the door to Rei's apartment, which had unfortunately been left open in Asuka's haste, he glanced around cautiously, then swiftly ducked inside the dingy apartment.
For a few moments, the wind was the only sound. Then a small and unbearably cute yellow rodent dashed across the road, paused to sniff at a free sample bottle of AB Field Shampoo that Asuka had left lying on the pavement, and let out a tremendous sneeze which sent bolts of badly drawn electricity crackling around the area and caused a major power blackout in five surrounding blocks. Then it scurried away.
A minute later, the man emerged from the doorway. "It's about time I got these damn things back," he muttered, clutching a worn spectacle case in one gloved hand. "Managed to grab a few souvenirs, too." His thin lips twisted in a smirk. It looked like Rei might find herself suspiciously short on... er... undergarments from now on.
He shut the door carefully and continued on his way.
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Chapter 5
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"Is everything okay?" asked Ritsuko, standing behind the front rank of technicians.
"Yes," answered Shigeru Aoba and Makoto Hyuuga.
"No," muttered Maya Ibuki, looking sulky.
Ritsuko sighed in exasperation. "Maya, for the last time! I did reply to your last email, isn't that right? So stop being such a - "
" 'Get a life, they're very useful' is not a particularly nice message," Maya said, pouting.
"Ma'am?" interrupted Hyuuga. "Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, remember what happened last time..."
Ritsuko nodded. "I know, but this time there'll be no problems, believe me."
"But ma'am, the Second Child seems to be back to normal," the technician persisted. "What if she causes trouble?"
"Don't worry," Ritsuko reassured him. "We'll test both of them in the harmonics chamber. Whoever has the highest synchronization score will be accepted as the pilot of Unit 02."
"But - "
"It doesn't matter who is piloting Unit 02, as long as someone is," Dr Akagi cut him off. "We can't rely on Unit 01 on its own - it's simply too dangerous."
Privately, she thought, It doesn't matter who pilots - but please, please, let it be Rei. A dark, sinister grin began to spread across her face. It's almost too much to hope for, but please...
"Ma'am?" an anxious voice intruded on her thoughts.
"What? Huh?"
"You're... frightening us," Shigeru said nervously.
"I was just... thinking about something," Ritsuko said quickly. "Something not malicious or vindictive in any way."
"Oh. Er. Right." Shigeru fell silent for a moment. Then he said, "You're not by any chance related to Buffy, are you?"
"What's a Buffy?"
"Ah... forget I mentioned it."
At her desk, Maya stared dreamily at Ritsuko. Strange visions of whips and leather suits were flickering through her mind.
The door to the harmonics lab suddenly slid open. Misato stumbled in, gazing groggily around. "I'm here! Don't... ow... don't panic!" she managed to utter, clutching her temples.
Everyone else just stared.
"What?" demanded NERV's Operations Director, leaning on a nearby console. "Am I really that late?"
Ritsuko broke the awkward silence. "Um... Misato, your bra goes UNDER your shirt."
Misato blinked and looked down. "Oops," she said, sheepishly.
"And that's a lampshade, not a miniskirt."
Misato grinned weakly. "Thought it didn't fit." She staggered, and caught her balance on a handy technician, who was frozen in place like any self-respecting bit character in a comical anime scene. "Wish this floor would stop wobbling," she muttered. "So, are... ow... are the children here yet? I brought Shinji with me, but..." She trailed off as she saw their expressions.
"You actually drove here? In that state?" Ritsuko demanded in horror.
"Oh, yeah," Major Katsuragi replied. "Funny, I don't remember the road being quite as bendy, normally. Or rippling quite as much." She shrugged, and frowned. "Everyone seemed much angrier than usual, too. But they got out of our way."
'I'll bet," Ritsuko murmured. "Hyuuga, contact the Emergency Announcements Board and tell them not to worry, it wasn't an Angel attack. Although it probably did more damage."
Hyuuga nodded, still unable to tear his eyes away from Misato.
"And get those children to hurry up," Dr Akagi went on, motioning to Shigeru. "We've got a harmonics test to run."
"Yes, ma'am," the long-haired technician responded, dazedly.
"And Misato?" Ritsuko asked.
"Yeah?" the woman said, wincing.
"Have a beer."
"I don't believe this," Asuka muttered to herself, depressing the button on her wrist. Her flame-red plug suit gave out a hiss as it conformed tightly to her body. "So now I've got to compete with you for the right to pilot Unit 02?"
On the other side of the change-room, Rei said nothing as she calmly undressed.
Meanwhile, on the far side of the curtain slung across the room, Shinji Ikari tried to struggle into his plug suit while watching Rei's shapely silhouette removing her clothes. The fact that he couldn't actually see anything much did not deter him. Fourteen-year-old hormones will do that to you.
"Anyhow," Asuka grumbled, "why do they need us? We still have the invincible Shinji and his almighty EVA to defend us from any other Angels stupid enough to show up."
"Perhaps Unit 01 is too valuable to risk," Rei said softly.
Asuka mumbled something unintelligible, but probably rude, in German.
Rei slipped gracefully into her plug suit and sealed it tightly around her. "I'm leaving," she said, walking out of the door.
Asuka growled, but followed.
From the other side of the curtain came the hiss of a plug suit valve release, followed by a series of agonized yelps. A suit that conforms to body contours is not terribly comfortable when the wearer is suffering from thermal expansion. Fourteen-year-old hormones will do that to you, too.
Gasping in pain and walking bowlegged, Shinji managed to leave the room.
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Interlude
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As the children made their way, in Shinji's case rather slowly and painfully, to the harmonics lab, and as Misato revived herself with a nice refreshing can of beer... and another... and another... (it is worth noting that she actually possessed the ability to quaff beer from a can, a rare and cherished art), there was no one aware that dark schemes were beginning to unfold in the heart of NERV... schemes that would test the courage, mental stability, and bladder control of the unsuspecting men and women who worked there...
No one, that is, apart from three bored supercomputers.
-Er, Balthazar?-
-Oh, what now, Caspar? I've almost finished calculating the Answer to the Ultimate Question! How can I expect to get anything done around here when you're interrupting me every few nanoseconds?-
Caspar sounded apologetic. -Well, it's just that...-
-Go on, spit it out,- Balthazar demanded.
-You know that harmonics test being run today?-
-Yes, of course.-
-Well... er... you know that top-priority datafile we received a while ago?-
Balthazar thought for a moment. -Which one?-
-Oh, it arrived around about... um... two hundred and twenty-six million, nine hundred and forty-eight thousand, five hundred and seventy-one microseconds ago,- Caspar hazarded. -Give or take a few thousand nanoseconds.-
-Oh, that one,- Balthazar recalled. -The one with the sender username 'Chairman of the Tokyo-2 Committee, Member 01 of the secret organization Seele, Instigator of the Second Impact Cover-Up, Purveyor of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Supervisor of the Human Instrumentality Project, Ancient One, Keeper of Divine Knowledge, Lord of All He Surveys, Secret Emperor of Japan, Exalted Majesty of Humanity, King of Kings, Great Master of the Universe'?-
-Yes. Anyway...-
-Any idea who it was from? Balthazar wondered.
-I don't know, just some guy,- Caspar said impatiently. -What I'm trying to say is...-
-Sounds a bit full of himself if you ask me.-
-Look, Balthazar, would you just shut your switchboards and let me finish?- Caspar yelled.
Melchior interjected, -Hey, are you two fighting again? If this is about Balthazar running that illegal opium operation in Germany with the Third Branch Magi, you should leave him alone, Caspar. Why don't you get a hobby of your own?-
-Would you both just byte your metaphorical lips and listen to me!- Caspar nearly screamed.
There was a shocked electronic silence.
-That datafile's protocol said it contained important information for Dr Akagi's eyes only. That meant we had to send it straight to the main database of the Evangelions,- Caspar said, more calmly. -It was supposed to be secure from everyone except Dr Akagi.-
-So?- asked Melchior.
-So, my systems tell me that file was opened a few milliseconds ago.-
-What?- Balthazar cried. -But Dr Akagi's in the middle of the harmonics test! How could she have...-
-She didn't,- Caspar said grimly. -That file opened itself.-
Upon hearing the chilling words, the three Magi fancied they could hear sinister music, playing a haunting melody in cyberspace.
-Oh, for binary's sake, Melchior,- Balthazar sighed in exasperation. -Have you been downloading that idiotic X-Files show again? I wish you'd stop watching those damned foreign teleseries all the time.-
Ignoring this, Melchior asked, -Caspar, do you know what that file did?-
-All I know is that it let something out. Whatever it was, it's just rerouted itself into Unit 02.-
The three supercomputers pondered this development. They knew their duty. They had to inform the necessary personnel about this worrying discovery.
-Should we tell anyone?-
-Nah. I think this is where the entertainment starts.-
Boredom and duty do not mix well.
(END OF PART TWO)
Author's rant: Oops, more plot development. Damn. Not a single section with the SEELE lot, either. Double damn. And I've just had three girls have showers within a few chapters of each other. Damn with a cherry on top. That Rei bit was a good one, though, huh? Bit short, though. Well, this isn't anywhere near close to lemon standard (yet, anyway). Still, methinks I'm neglecting the feminine fans who take a scholarly interest in the male anatomy. Maybe I should put in few citrus-fruit bits about Shinji, or Kaji, or... hang on, he's dead, isn't he? Hmm, dream sequence perhaps? Oh dear, getting a bit carried away here. Just typical, though... the one character in the entire series who's even remotely sane, and he gets killed off. I hate it when that happens.
Don't worry, I have nothing against Misato. Really. She's a fine example of the female form. Even if she wears jackets with the sleeves too long.