Part Three: Anime Antics Ahoy
(Written by the git who calls himself Zenithfleet. All credit for the central characters goes to... oh, stuff it. Anyone who doesn't know where the credit should go, either hasn't read the first part yet or doesn't know anything about EVA and is just looking for a hentai story. Yes, I mean you! Now go away! Right, that's them sorted out, now, on with the blatant foolishness...
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Chapter 6
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And yea, it came to pass that in that time there was a council of the wisest and most powerful minds in the nation. And this council was indeed serving that most noble and laudable of causes, the praise and further glory of God.
Well, sort of.
"Hey, Keel, when do we get to interview Misato, then?" asked SEELE 08 casually.
Actually, a more accurate description of the council's cause would be the praise and further glory of anyone who had to pass water while sitting down, at least as far as 08 was concerned. However, this is probably not a very good description, since that criterion applied to several members of Seele as well. Although 08 might not have minded...
"Yeah, I'm getting bored," 05 complained. "Evil plotting and scheming is all well and good, but when do we see some action?"
"Preferably horizontal action," 08 added. "Heh heh."
Keel said, trying not to become irritated, "Patience, gentlemen. The concealed program we delivered into NERV's EVA database should have activated itself by now. Soon our plans will come to fruition..."
"Zat is all weeell and good," 04 argued, "but it eees possible zat ze First Child may not beeecome ze chosen pilot of Unit 02. What happens zen?"
"What are you talking about?" Keel demanded. "Rei Ayanami is the only possible candidate..."
06 sighed. "Sorry, Keel, but you're several chapters behind on current events."
"Exactleeey," 04 agreed. "Ze Second Child eees now returned to her valid status as ze pilot."
"Oh, will someone shut him up?" pleaded 07. "I am so sick of that stupid accent, 04."
"Hmmph, as eeef ah cared," 04 said loftily.
"Moon Crystal Power!" announced 11.
07 groaned. "02, have you been letting him watch Sailor Moon again? You know the effect frilly skirts and bad animation have on his mental cycle."
"I know the effect frilly skirts have on 08," muttered 03.
"Preferably when they're taken off, heh heh," 08 smirked.
"Shut up," said 03 automatically.
Keel had remained uncharacteristically silent throughout this rather surreal conversation, deep in thought. This changes things, he said to himself. Or perhaps... perhaps it makes things easier...
"It is unimportant if the Second Child is once again able to pilot," he said aloud. "Either Rei will die, or Asuka will die. And in either case, there will be no chance of finding another pilot."
"Um... why is that?" 05 asked, curious.
"Because," Keel reminded him, "there will no longer be a Unit 02 to pilot!"
"Magnificent!" 02 applauded. "Brilliant! Astonishing! Er... what about, you know..."
"Who?"
"You know," 02 went on, uncomfortably. "Er... him. The... boy."
"Ah," Keel answered. "At present, he is not needed. However, if Ikari continues to defy us, we will be forced to take... drastic measures."
"Ooh, cool," 05 commented. "Will it involve lots of explosions and screaming and hideous death?"
"Probably."
"Will it involve inflicting terrible physical and emotional torment on the EVA pilots?" 06 asked.
"Quite possibly."
"Will it involve any gratuitous nudity?" 08 wondered.
Keel sniffed, "You know, 08, sometimes you can be really crude."
Apparently the concept of irony was a bit far from his mind at the moment.
"I Will Never Surrender, Child Of The Negaverse!" 11 shouted giddily.
"Someone put him to bed before he gets whiplash," 06 said, wearily.
"Ah theeenk ah would prefer to give heeem ze fashionable tight-fitting jacket with ze optional long sleeves," 04 grumbled.
07 said suspiciously, "Hey, that sounded more Russian than before..."
"Zat's because ah EM Russian, you eeediot," 04 retorted. "Ah seem to be getting over mah cold."
08 said, "I like Russians. They live in a cold country."
Everyone fell silent for a moment, startled.
"Are you feeling all right, 08?" asked 05, concerned. "You actually said something almost respectable..."
"They're good at conserving body heat," 08 added, sniggering.
Everybody relaxed.
"Spoke too soon..." 03 muttered.
"Phew, you had us worried for a minute there," 05 said, relieved.
02 said, "I don't know... it sounded German to me, 04."
"Eh?" 04 asked in puzzlement, unprepared for the sudden change of subject.
"What do you expect?" 06 said pointedly. "It's a bit hard to work out accents when the words are typed on a page."
"Oh, Tuxedo Brock!" 11 cried happily. "You Are Freed From The Clutches Of The Evil Nega-Misty! Moon Pikachu Power! Sailor Venusaur, I Choose You!"
"Oh, no," 06 sighed in exasperation. "Now he's mixing anime. Would somebody do something about him?"
"Who's Pikachu mooning?" 05 asked, mystified.
Keel said sadly, "I'm afraid he's beyond help."
"Let's Form Voltron And Clobber That Charizard!" proclaimed 11.
"Meeting adjourned. Quickly, before he gets to Hello Kitty!" Keel urged hastily.
The circle of monoliths vanished. Only SEELE 11 remained in the dark and empty room. He didn't mind. He never turned his monolith off.
"Would you like a bag of spoons, Mr Astroboy?" he asked cheerfully.
Astroboy nodded.
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Chapter 7
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"WHAT!" Asuka yelled in disbelief. "How could we have both scored the same synch ratio score? I won't stand for it!"
Ritsuko frowned at her. "I'm sorry, Asuka, but that's what happened. You'll just have to live with it."
The two female pilots stood before Ritsuko in the lab control room. Shinji had been sent to the infirmary, where he was currently the butt of several rather unimaginative but certainly amusing jokes from the nurses.
"But - but - " Asuka protested.
"So now we have two choices," Ritsuko continued. "Either we have another, more accurate harmonics test..."
"More accurate?" Asuka narrowed her eyes. "How do you plan on doing that, huh?"
Rei Ayanami said quietly, "Our harmonics must be measured without the interference of our plug suits."
Asuka blinked. "You mean - "
"Yes," said Rei, calmly.
"Yes," agreed Ritsuko, impassively.
"Yeah!" said the male technicians, leering.
"Maybe..." said Maya, considering whether to leer or not.
"NO!" Asuka yelled.
"Awww..." the technicians mumbled.
Ritsuko shrugged. "Or," she suggested, "we can let both of you have a test run in Unit 02."
"Let Rei in my EVA? Over my dead body!" Asuka cried.
"It's that, or over your naked body," Ritsuko said, unimpressed. "Get into Unit 02, or get undressed."
Faced with no alternative, Asuka had only one option.
She stripped off her plug suit and danced naked on Maya's desk (which was enough to make Ritsuko disappear entirely from Maya's thoughts), showing off her beautiful CENSORED and her lovely CENSORED, not to mention her CENSORED...
... er, no, she didn't really, but that was what you wanted to hear, right?
Ahem.
Anyway...
Faced with no alternative, Asuka had only one option.
"Fine, fine! But if wondergirl does anything weird to my EVA, she's gonna pay for it!"
"Okay," replied Ritsuko.
"Okay," nodded Rei.
"Damn," muttered the technicians.
A short while later...
Commander Fuyutsuki eyed the hulking red shape of Unit 02 warily. Currently dormant, it stood silently in the vast white-tiled emptiness of the Evangelion test chamber. Heavy restraining bolts held it firmly to the wall. Though unactivated, it seemed to fix the observers behind the reinforced viewing windows with a cold and merciless gaze.
"Lousy foureyes," Fuyutsuki muttered to himself.
"Sir?" Hyuuga asked curiously.
"Nothing," he answered more loudly. "Dr Akagi, are we ready?"
"Almost," Ritsuko said. "Let's try lowering the reciprocal conversion rate to zero point zero two," she advised the console operators.
Shigeru and Hyuuga exchanged glances. They never had a clue what Ritsuko was talking about. Privately, they thought she made it up as she went along. They were the ones who actually did all the work.
Misato stood off to one side. After consuming an entire vending machine's worth of cheap beer, she was feeling much better. She had managed to fix most of her clothing as well, although she still hadn't found a replacement for the lampshade. Actually she was beginning to like it. It made a statement. Although quite what that statement was, other than "I'm a drunken idiot," she hadn't yet worked out.
At the moment, however, she was drinking coffee. She set her mug down on a nearby desk.
"So Rei, how does it feel to be in Unit 02's entry plug for the first time?" she asked.
Ayanami replied softly, "It smells like - "
"Don't say anything perverted!" Asuka warned, from her position beside Misato.
"- like Angeldust underarm deodorant, red hair dye, First and Best Impact scented perfume, and NERV Brand Moisturising Body Lotion with Extra Seductive Pheromones," Rei finished, emotionlessly.
"Er..." Asuka stammered.
"Um... anything else you'd like to share with us, Rei?" Misato ventured, trying not to laugh.
"There is a photograph of Shinji on the roof of the entry plug," Rei said.
"Shut up, Ayanami," hissed Asuka.
"He is lying on his bed," Rei continued.
"I said shut up!" Asuka began to flush crimson.
"He does not appear to be wearing anything," Rei went on, inexorably.
Asuka's face matched her hair.
"He appears to be enjoying himself - "
"SHUT UP!" Asuka shrieked. The technicians stifled chuckles, apart from Maya, who looked disgusted.
Misato shook with suppressed laughter. "Any - anything else?" she managed to gasp.
"There is a photograph of Kaji on the roof of the entry plug," Rei offered.
Misato froze.
Rei added, "He does not appear to be - "
"Right, fine, that's enough, Rei," Misato said hastily. She turned to glare at Asuka, who had the decency to look embarrassed. "I'll deal with you later," she snarled.
Asuka gulped.
"Beginning activation," Ritsuko announced. "Connecting main power to all circuits."
A throb of power ran through the observation gantry. The cold, green-lensed eyes of the EVA began to glow with an eerie inner light.
"Preliminary systems online," Shigeru said.
"Activation voltage approaching critical level," Maya noted.
"Spooky music playing," Hyuuga said, patting the CD player affectionately.
Ritsuko nodded. "Start up system phase two." She absently lifted Misato's mug of coffee to her lips.
"Pilot linkup initiated," Shigeru stated.
"Synapses inserted. Third junctions connected."
"No problems with initial contact."
"Coffee has reached paint-thinner consistency," Ritsuko noted, spluttering.
"Cardiograph transmitting."
"Nerve pulses are stable."
"Machine that goes ping activated."
"Blue pattern detected!" Hyuuga shouted in alarm.
Everyone gasped.
"Kidding, kidding," Hyuuga grinned. "Just my little joke... no harm done..." He coughed as he saw the furious expressions of the others. "Heh heh... sorry."
Maya coughed, pointedly. "Approaching absolute borderline. Zero point five... zero point three... zero point two... zero point one..."
Her monitor flickered.
"Zero point oh one... er... zero point oh oh one... er..." Maya struggled to read the numbers fast enough. "... zero point oh oh oh oh oh one..."
"Talk about suspense," Asuka muttered.
"Zero point... um... well, something really small, anyway..." Maya murmured in embarrassment.
The flickering line on the screen hovered ominously, just above the activation borderline.
Everyone held their breath.
Nothing happened.
Everyone slowly exhaled, nervously.
Nothing continued to happen.
"... something really, really, really small... er..." Maya mumbled.
Asuka sighed. "Rei?" she asked. "Aren't you forgetting something?"
Inside the LCL-filled entry plug, Rei glanced around. "Ah..." she said quietly. "I apologise."
She touched a button.
On the armoured thigh of the EVA, a panel slid open and a large, rusty windup key emerged. It turned jerkily, once, twice, three times.
A juddering roar, not unlike that of a badly-maintained diesel engine, filled the air.
On Maya's screen, the flickering line suddenly flashed past the borderline. "Zero point one and rising," she announced, relieved.
"How high-tech," Misato muttered.
The key retracted into the armour of Unit 02.
"Unit 02 has been successfully activated," Ritsuko confirmed. "Configure the language logic interface for Japanese."
Maya-san wa "Hai, Sempai!" o hanashimashita. Sorekara, Ritsuko-san wa...
"You idiots! I didn't mean the whole fanfic!" Ritsuko cried.
"Sorry," Maya grumbled.
"Everything okay, Rei?" asked Misato.
"Yes," was the pilot's calm reply.
But deep within the EVA, something stirred...
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Chapter 8
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Hyuuga's eyes opened wide with shock as he saw what was suddenly revealed on his monitor. "Energy surge!" he yelled. "We've got an unknown power buildup inside Unit 02!"
The others glowered at him.
"Sheesh, Hyuuga, the joke's getting old," Misato said scornfully. "You could at least be more imaginative."
"I am not joking!" the technician insisted frantically. "Energy approaching critical levels!"
Ritsuko snorted. "This is so pathetic it's ridiculous. You don't seriously expect us to believe you - "
"Yes!" Hyuuga cried desperately.
Misato rolled her eyes.
Hardly anyone noticed the tremors that ran through the test chamber.
"Uh... guys?" Asuka began, nervously.
"Even after the time you painted 'shoot here for maximum points' on Unit 01's chestplate?" Risuko went on.
"Guys..." Asuka said more loudly, staring out the observation windows.
"And the time you 'accidentally' set the Fifth EVA Catapult on 'Orbital Velocity?' " Misato added. "It took three weeks to dig Unit 00 out of that mountain."
Asuka began to back away rather quickly from the windows.
"So you actually expect us to think that Unit 02's going to go crazy?" Ritsuko demanded.
"No," Hyuuga answered, resignedly.
"Ah-hah," Ritsuko said triumphantly.
Hyuuga sighed. "It already has," he muttered, and gestured weakly at the viewing windows.
Everyone looked.
And stared.
Unit 02 advanced towards the observation deck, its true eyes flaring an unholy white as it dragged broken shards of the restraining bolts behind it. Green lightning crackled around it like a bad special effect. It paused, filling the horrified onlookers' view, and gave out a threatening, bone-shaking growl.
"Don't panic!" Fuyutsuki shouted.
With a sudden movement, the EVA drew back its powerful arm and smashed its fist into the windows. The reinforced glass cracked and buckled. Unit 02 snarled and punched again. This time the windows shattered inward under the impact. Splinters of glass did to several technicians what would normally take several dozen axe-wielding maniacs to complete.
The berserk EVA reached through the jagged opening and snatched up a terrified Shigeru. Pulling him back through the hole, it tilted back its head and did a credible imitation of someone stylishly throwing back a handful of Skittles. However, since its armour design meant that it had no mouth, the technician merely rebounded from its face. His relief lasted about a quarter of a second. Then it was quickly replaced by the realization of just how far the floor was below him.
"OH SHIIIIIIIIII -"
There was an unpleasant wet noise.
Fuyutsuki looked down at the tiled floor of the test chamber. The man was definitely dead. Quite definitely. Living people generally were not so flat. And had a tendency to keep their insides, well, on the inside. The commander was impressed. He hadn't known a person falling from that height could splash that much.
Unit 02 roared.
"Okay, now we can panic," Fuyutsuki said.
Screams filled the air as technicians stampeded for the exit. Misato grabbed hold of Asuka, who was staring raptly at the raging Evangelion. "Come on, let's get out of here!" she cried.
"Why?" Asuka asked, staring over the woman's shoulder.
"What do you mean, why?" Misato demanded. Turning, she blinked as her fear was replaced by puzzlement.
The EVA had ceased its angry violence. It stood passively in the test chamber, slightly hunched over. Oddly enough, it seemed to look bewildered.
Then it hiccuped. A roiling cloud of noxious-looking fumes billowed from its nostrils. It let out a confused growl, clutching at its head. Then it staggered sideways and sat down heavily on the floor. Tiles broke under its massive weight. The green lightning still darted about its red form.
"What the hell's the matter with it?" Asuka wondered.
Unit 02 hiccuped again. Raising its head, it began to sing gutturally in a wordless, yet strangely jovial, manner. The tune was distorted, but sounded a lot like "Fly Me To The Moon."
"I think... it's drunk," Misato whispered in awe.
"That's stupid. How can an EVA get drunk?" Asuka screwed up her face in perplexity.
"Rarrgh, rarh rarh rar arrgh, rrar rarh arrr arrgh arr aarrr rrrah raaargh..."
"I have no idea, but it certainly reminds me of you, Misato," Ritsuko commented, crawling out from beneath a console.
Unit 02 paused uncertainly. Then it began to sing the second verse with more gusto, skipping so many bars it practically won the 2015 Hurdles Championships.
"It's not an Angel, is it?" asked Misato fearfully.
"Not unless it likes knocking back a few bottles of vodka at the pub on Cloud Nine," murmured Ritsuko. She stroked her chin thoughtfully.
Evidently satisfied with its vocal performance, the EVA scratched what might tentatively be called its rear. Orange lines of field distortion began to flicker in the air before it. Instead of being hard-edged and octagonal, however, the AT Field appeared blurred and somehow wavy, and little balls of various colours kept winking on and off randomly.
"What about Rei?" Misato gasped suddenly.
On an abandoned desk, the comlink spoke. "Ooooh, pretty lights..." Rei's voice said dreamily.
"Rei? Are you all right?"
"I... hic... wanna go and play outside," Rei giggled.
"Well, at least she's alive," Misato said carefully.
"Damn," Asuka muttered.
Damn, thought Ritsuko.
"Sounds like she's drunk too, though," Misato commented. "Rei, can you gain control of Unit 02?"
"Unit 02... locked in the loo..." Rei sang giddily. "Hic."
"Aw, geez," Asuka complained. "She better not spew in my entry plug."
The EVA shook its head and tried to stand. This took some time, mainly because it seemed to be having trouble working out how many limbs it was supposed to have.
"Rei, listen to us. Is an Angel doing this to you?" Misato said loudly.
Rei's voice was gleeful. "Angel... here, Angel, Angel, Angel...hic..." Unit 02 glanced around, swaying slightly.
"It's hopeless," Ritsuko sighed in exasperation.
"Where are you, my pretty little friend?" Rei said, happily. The EVA looked quizzically at one wall of the test chamber, then roared drunkenly and staggered towards it.
"Rei, stop!" Misato shouted.
Unit 02 took a swing at the wall, and missed. Incensed at this display of cowardly dodging from its opponent, it stared threateningly at the tiles. Suddenly its head jerked forwards and let out a titanic sneeze. The sheer force of the blast demolished most of the wall.
"I've got yummy Adamses for you..." Rei cooed.
Unit 02 stumbled over the remains of the collapsed wall, peering around curiously as it found itself in an empty EVA cage.
"Angel want a cracker?" the pilot asked.
The robot wandered out of sight. For a moment, flashes of green lightning were visible beyond the rubble of the test chamber wall. Then they were gone.
"Oh no..." groaned Ritsuko, slapping her forehead. "This is not good."
Misato and Asuka could only nod.
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Chapter 9
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In a darkened room...
"Our plan proceeds," Keel said in satisfaction. "Unit 02 has been infected by the MISATO program. In a short time, we will be rid of both it and Rei. With the EVA gone, the Second Child will be rendered superfluous once more, and with Ayanami dead, Ikari's schemes of betrayal shall be crushed. We shall return to the scenario more secure than ever before! Our power is assured! BWA HA HA HA HA!"
He waited for the others to react with praise and awe.
"Yes, well done," 05 said snidely, "but what I want to know is, what do we do about the boy?"
Keel muttered something rude.
"Come off it, 05, it's your job to look after that kid," 02 pointed out.
"Well excuse me," 05 retorted. "I'm getting seriously sick of listening to 'Ode to Joy' all the time. And that's not to mention him constantly trying to float away. Do you know how much rope we have to use to tether him down?"
02 sneered. "Oh, poor baby. Do you need a cuddle?"
"Sure, with Misato," 08 interrupted eagerly.
"Children should be seen and not heard," 06 said authoritatively.
"It's the hearing part I'm having trouble with," 05 grumbled. "And he acts so holier-than-thou all the time."
"Well, that's because he is," 03 said, reasonably.
05 snorted in derision. "One minute he's extemporizing on the nature of happiness, the next he's making suggestive comments to any men within earshot. I don't call that holy."
"Have you tried - " 08 began.
"Oh, don't even go there, 08," warned 03.
"Well, it just depends on – "
"03?" Keel growled.
"Yes?"
"Tell him to shut up, will you?"
"Watch out for those flying cows," 11 said suddenly.
07 said, "You know, it's kind of ironic that 11's the only reason we could get that program to work properly."
"True," Keel acknowledged. "The MISATO program really should be called the 'SEELE 11' program..."
"Or the 'DAFT AS A BROOM' program," 02 muttered.
"... since it's just a digitized copy of his mind," Keel finished.
"A true dummy plug," 07 said.
"Still, its effects are more consistent with the behaviour of NERV's Operations Director, so..."
"Yeah."
There was a pause.
"Keel?"
"Hmmm?"
"Why are you explaining all this again? We already know this stuff."
"It's called plot explanation," Keel replied, irritated. "Otherwise this fanfic wouldn't make any sense, would it?"
"Fair enough."
"So what happens if Unit 02 does too much damage to NERV HQ?" wondered 02.
"Buggrem, I say," someone said gruffly.
"09?" asked a startled 03. "Was that you?"
"Buggrit, buggrit, millennium hand and shrimp!" 09 grunted.
"Thank you for that insight, 09," Keel snapped.
"He's worse than 11," murmured 05.
"Buggrem," 09 replied, conversationally.
"If we could get back to the matter at hand," suggested Keel, loudly, "the damage will only make it easier for us in the future. In any case, eventually Ikari will be forced to use Unit 01 to destroy the infected EVA before it causes too much destruction. Our plan is flawless!"
"So... we won't be needing the boy after all?" ventured 02. "Then what do we do with him?"
"Buggrim," suggested 09.
"I think we should ignore that," 03 advised, hurriedly.
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Interlude
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"WARNING WARNING WARNING 47TH PROTEIN WALL BREACHED WARNING"
-Well, I have to admit you were right, Caspar,- Balthazar said appreciatively. -This is certainly amusing.-
The three Magi relaxed and enjoyed the spectacle unfolding within NERV.
"Attention. Attention. Attention," a calm female voice announced. "Sealing all shafts and bulkheads in Sections 4 through to 16. All personnel evacuate. Repeat, all personnel evacuate."
-How long do you think they'll take to stop it?- Melchior wondered.
A massive concussion reverberated through the underground base.
"Attention. Sections 7 through 13 have been breached. All personnel evacuate."
-Whoops, looks like it found the armoury,- commented Balthazar.
A live camera feed showed Unit 02, wreathed in green light, punch a hole into an LCL storage tank. Orange liquid exploded from the opening, flooding the corridor. The EVA surfed unsteadily on the crest of the wave, standing atop an X2-pattern shield/blade/surfboard.
-Huh. Didn't know we had one of those,- said Caspar.
The torrent of LCL hit a right turn. The EVA tried to swerve through ninety degrees while staying upright, hard to do if you're a towering armoured robot with unfeasibly massive shoulders who also happens to be drunk. The crash sent renewed shockwaves through Headquarters.
-Hey, what if it comes after us?- asked Balthazar, suddenly nervous.
-I doubt it will,- Caspar reassured him. -This is the most heavily shielded area of the base.-
-I thought Terminal Dogma was the most heavily shielded.-
-Oh, yeah.- Caspar sounded uneasy. -Sorry, I forgot.-
-Have we even got a way to stop it if it does come after us?- Melchior demanded.
-Um, well...- Caspar began.
-No, don't answer that.- Melchior muttered.
-We could offer it a Zeruel-onna-stick,- Caspar suggested, brightly. -Specially recommended by the Evangelion: Is Nothing Sacred? company.-
-Uh-huh. So we're basically helpless. Lucky us.-
Suddenly the day didn't seem quite so entertaining.
"Attention. Attention. Security Sector has been breached. Repeat, Security Sector has been breached. All personnel - what the...ohnohelpbuggernoaaarrghhh..." The voice faded into static.
-Um. I think we may have a problem,- Balthazar said grimly.
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(END OF PART THREE)
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Author's rant: Whew, that was a long one. And this fanfic has broken out in a serious case of plot development. Hmmm. Yes, yes, I know I killed off Shigeru, but he's so two-dimensional that everyone else looks rendered. And I also know that the 'censored' bit has been done before, with a little more flair I might add, but it was so good I had to include it. I also think I gave Kaworu a bit of a rough deal. (Oops! You didn't realize it was him? Sorry...) He's a very cool character. Still, that's the order of business in a parody fanfic.
I'm running seriously low on new jokes. Think I'll take a while to get the next part done. I might have to resort to turning it into a lemon... but don't get your hopes up. Although you might want to stay tuned for a possible bit of lime-scented goodness with Asuka and Rei... I really have no shame, do I?