Part Four: Bah weep granah weep ninibon...
(Written by Chairman Keel, aka Pervert Boy, aka Zenithfleet. All credit for the central characters goes to whoever came up with them first, I can't be bothered remembering who. Just read the darn fanfic, would ya?)
(Oh wait, it was Gainax, and... um... yeah, Project EVA. Yeah, that's it. Probably.)
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Chapter 10
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"Status report!" Misato demanded, glaring around the control room frantically.
"Well, I'm still in the Egyptian caverns but I've got plenty of health left," Hyuuga said, frowning at his monitor.
"What?" Misato blinked. "Damn it, stop playing that idiotic game and pay attention!"
"But Lara is such a babe!" the technician protested.
Suddenly Misato frowned. "Hang on... how did we actually get here, anyhow? We were in the lab a second ago..."
"Dramatic effect," Ritsuko answered shortly.
"But the lab is on the other side of NERV!" Misato protested.
Ritsuko shrugged. "It's not our fault if the author likes drama."
Maya yelled, "The EVA is advancing along corridor nineteen!"
"Power surges on floor eight!" another cried.
"Structural breach in sectors five and twenty-one!" warned Ritsuko.
"And my Gunsmith Cats screensaver's stuffing up again," grumbled someone at the back.
"Where's Commander Ikari?" shouted Misato.
"Out of the country on business!" replied Ritsuko.
"Not again! But he was here this morning!"
"It's the Commander's job to be out of the country on business every time there's an emergency!" Ritsuko retorted.
Little did they realize that the commander was not actually outside the country; in fact he was not even outside his bedroom. As for being involved in 'business'... well, perhaps a very specialized form of business that, erm, concerned Rei's underwear.
And as everyone knew, Ikari had an awful lot of business.
Along with an awful lot of Rei's underwear.
Misato groaned as another huge explosion shook Headquarters. "How can things get any worse?" she muttered.
"Unit 02 has stepped on the vending machine that sells cheap beer in corridor thirteen!" Maya cried.
Misato froze. "What!"
Indeed, Maya's screen displayed an image of the red Evangelion scraping a crushed metal shape, not unlike a giant flattened beer can, from the sole of its boot.
Misato's features became as cold and hard as ice. "All right, you bloody robot," she snarled viciously. "You can blow up Tokyo-3, tread on NERV personnel and set off Third Impact for all I care, but now it's war."
Turning, she yelled, "Take Unit 01 out of cryo-stasis immediately! I want it activated and ready for combat in one minute!"
"Um... Who's going to pilot it, ma'am?" wondered Maya.
"Shinji, of course!"
"Well, sure," muttered Ritsuko, "if you want the EVA walking around bowlegged."
Hyuuga winced.
"Oh, I don't care!" shouted Misato. "Use anyone! Use Ritsuko! Use that idiot at the back who thinks he needs a screensaver on a Pentium 19! Just get that EVA ready!" She glanced around wildly, and her gaze settled on a youthful red-clad figure.
Asuka backed away. "Oh no you don't," she grinned nervously. "Get inside that purple thing? No way! I'd rather hang-glide over hell than get in that entry plug!"
Two technicians began to creep up on either side of her as she retreated towards the exit.
"I mean, can you imagine what that pervert might have been doing in there?" Asuka continued fiercely.
"Anything worse than what you usually do when you've been in a harmonics test for a few hours and gotten bored, you mean?" Ritsuko commented, smiling evilly.
Asuka faltered. "Well... it's just... I mean... those handgrips are so nicely contoured," she muttered finally.
"Grab her arms, grab her arms!" cried the two technicians as they sprang at her and grappled her to the floor.
The red-haired girl spluttered indignantly as she attempted to break free. "Hey! Get your hands off me, you perverted muscle-heads! Hey, watch the suit, watch the... damn!" There was a sound of tearing rubber.
Or... whatever those things are made out of. Looks like rubber, anyway. Oh, just keep reading.
The two men hauled her to her feet, gripping her by the shoulders. She glowered at the floor. A long rip in the plug suit fabric stretched from her neckline to her thigh, promising rather predictable, but certainly interesting, developments later on.
"I like a girl with spirit," leered one of the technicians.
Ritsuko blinked. "Jinkuu? You're gay, for heaven's sake!" she protested.
The man shuffled his feet. "Sorry, ma'am, it just... seemed like the right thing to say, really." He shrugged helplessly.
"Asuka, this is an order!" Misato growled.
Asuka rolled her eyes and clutched at the rip in her plug suit. "All right, but I don't want anybody peeking, okay?" she retorted finally, thus managing to keep the plot rolling whilst simultaneously recycling old stock audio conversations. Pity this is a written fanfic. Oh well.
"We won't," lied the technicians instantly.
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Chapter 11
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"Entry plug terminator is being ejected," Maya announced.
The massively armoured plating on the back of Evangelion Unit 01's neck slid smoothly up and out, revealing the entry socket.
"Insertion of entry plug underway," Hyuuga said, as the powerful docking crane fitted the plug into its socket, and the armour replaced itself over the exposed white metal.
"How's it going, Asuka?" Misato inquired. "Has the plug been inserted properly?"
Irritated mutterings echoed from the comlink, explaining in great detail where Misato could insert her own damn entry plug. Misato shrugged and grinned. "She's doing just fine," she murmured to Ritsuko.
"Filling the entry plug," Maya announced.
There was a watery silence from inside the plug, then suddenly there was an outraged splutter. "Gott in Heimmel, this thing does smell like Ikari!" Asuka yelled in disgust. "Why did you have to go and reuse the same LCL again! I bet I know exactly what he's been doing in here! Ugh!"
"One question: how does she know what that smells like?" Ritsuko whispered to Misato.
"Are you laughing at me?" Asuka demanded suspiciously.
Misato managed to control her giggles long enough to say, "Don't worry, Asuka, I often start laughing like that for no reason at all."
"Hey," the girl's voice said, sounding puzzled, "there's a bit of paper folded up and stuck to the inside wall... hang on... no, it's a photograph of WHAT THE HELL! SHINJI, YOU UTTER PERVERT!"
"Everything okay in there?" Misato asked. From the grinning faces of the technicians, however, it was quite clear that everything was fine.
Inside the plug, Asuka crumpled the photo and dropped it to the bottom of the sloping floor, face burning in embarrassed fury. "Rrragh!" she muttered incoherently. "How did he get hold of that? I'll get him for this!"
"Synchronization start!" Hyuuga announced.
The walls of the plug flashed through various kaleidoscopic, multicoloured patterns, cunningly designed to convince anime fans that something highly technical was going on, while outside, a group of technicians standing on the highest gantry bashed the EVA over the head with a huge mallet in order to wake it up.
As Asuka sat back in her chair, she noticed that the tear down the side of her plug suit was now exposing quite a bit of skin, even though the edges of the tear had water-sealed themselves against her body. "Aw, geez," she commented.
"What's up?" Misato asked.
"Um... technical difficulties," Asuka replied. In an attempt to change the subject, she wondered, "How come this plug's control design has a crossbar shaft in front of me, as well as the usual handles on either side?"
"Do you want the technical reason or the real reason?" asked Ritsuko.
"Both," Asuka answered, looking at the control setup closely. She noticed how conveniently placed the central shaft was. Hmmm...
"Well, it's in order to compensate for the particular traits of Shinji's masculine brain by allowing a firmer and more satisfying placement of the grips," Ritsuko explained, "as well as permitting a faster and more accurate biofeedback readout which is necessary to maintain control of the unpredictable nature of Unit 01..."
"And the real reason?" continued Asuka, running her gloved hand over the contours of the metal. Mmmm, that's very nicely shaped, she thought to herself.
"Oh," Ritsuko replied, "that's because the PG rating of this anime means we have to cover up Shinji's more private areas when we show the heat-readouts during a non-plug suit harmonics test. Episode 13, I think it was."
"Uh-huh," Asuka said, distracted as she gently slid her body forwards and down, out of the chair, settling her hips onto a new, er, support. Oooh yeah, she thought.
Warning lights suddenly flashed and alarms blared shrilly in the control room. "What's going on?" yelled Misato. "Is Unit 02 attacking us?"
"No," shouted Maya, "but we've got a leak inside the pilot's plug suit! The harmonics are being disrupted by the liquid!"
"What?" demanded Ritsuko, striding over to Maya's console and examining the screen. "It's not the rip in the suit, is it? No, that's water-sealed itself. But we've got moisture inside the suit! How can there be moisture inside the - "
She stopped and smacked her forehead.
"Asuka!" she cried in exasperation. "If you're going to do that sort of thing do it in the shower! Get your mind back on the job!"
The technicians sniggered.
Asuka muttered something rude as she reluctantly eased herself back into her seat.
"Right, good," Ritsuko said more calmly. "That's better. And will somebody turn that bloody alarm off!"
"Sorry," a technician mumbled. "I just thought you'd like to know that -"
"Yes, yes, we know, Asuka's getting in touch with her innate sexuality via the handlebars of a big robot..."
"No," the man went on doggedly, "that -"
A huge crash resounded through the cavernous EVA cage, sending tremors of unease through the structure of the control room, and part of the wall fell in. Amidst the expanding debris cloud, the monstrous silhouette of Unit 02 appeared, green lightning dancing around its massive bulk as it stared menacingly at the motionless purple Evangelion.
"- that Unit 02 is here," finished the technician.
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Chapter 12
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"Um, guys?" Asuka said nervously, as the red titan began to stalk ominously towards her. "How about we get this thing started, huh? Guys?"
Unit 01 did not activate.
Unit 02 strode closer, every step jarring the entire EVA cage.
"Hello? Asuka to NERV! I'm about to get utterly flattened by my own EVA! Someone do something!"
Unit 01 just stood there.
"What's the holdup?" demanded a nearly frantic Misato.
Maya cried helplessly, "Shigeru! We can't activate the EVA without Shigeru!"
"Huh? But he never did anything useful!"
"We thought so too!" Hyuuga said desperately. "But without him, we can't start up Unit 01!"
"What? But why?" Misato yelled.
"I don't have time to explain right now! I'm too busy panicking!" Hyuuga yelled back.
Misato's eyes were hard. "Then... we hope for a spontaneous activation. Unit 01's done it before. It can do it again."
Everyone turned to the scene outside, as the red Evangelion paused in front of Unit 01 and eyed it up and down as if giving it a drunken inspection, managing to look as sleazy as a towering armoured menace can hope to look. It positively oozed sex repeal, which is the opposite of sex appeal and is, regrettably, far more common.
Unit 01 completely failed to roar into berserk life.
"Um, I really don't like the look that thing's giving me," Asuka said plaintively.
"Raarh arrgh arr arrgh ragh ragh," said Unit 02 slowly and carefully, which from the tone could probably be translated as "What's a nice purple robot like you doing in a dump like this?"
"...not liking this at all..." said Asuka faintly.
"Ritsuko?" murmured Misato. "Aren't the EVAs all female?"
The woman nodded.
"Eww." Misato made a face. "Lesbian EVAs? I mean, that stuff we did back in college was fun, but this is getting way too kinky for me."
Ritsuko raised an eyebrow, which conveyed the message that if Misato was finding something too kinky, other people were probably running from the scene screaming with terror and vowing never to even think about octopuses again.
The red Evangelion leaned forward unsteadily. "Rrarrrrgh, arrh arrgh ragh," it growled appreciatively, which was probably along the lines of "Wow, look at the progressive knife on that one."
Suddenly the umbilical bridge in front of Unit 01 exploded apart as a huge purple fist shot upwards through it and slammed into Unit 02's chin, knocking its head back. As it staggered in confusion, Unit 01 raised its jagged head, let out a terrifyingly loud bellow and gave the bewildered EVA a vicious backhand slap across the face.
The watchers in the control room cheered.
"Yee-haa!" Asuka crowed. "That's the way to do it! No one talks to me like that and gets away with it!"
Unit 01 pushed the umbilical bridge out of its way and let loose with a devastating kick. Unit 02 doubled over, clutching at its nether regions.
Awwwww... Ritsuko smiled in thought. Isn't that sweet? Yui's reliving the time she and Gendo first met...
"Whoa, careful, you don't have to damage it too much, it is my EVA after all," Asuka protested.
Unexpectedly, Rei's voice sounded over the comlink. "...whazzis? Huh? What's going on? Hic!" she said groggily. Then: "Oooh! A pretty little EVA! Have a cracker, Mrs EVA!"
Unit 02 recovered, and swung a wild punch at the purple Evangelion. The other EVA dodged the blow easily, but Unit 02 simply kept on pivoting around in a circle until its outstretched arm came around again and its fist smashed into Unit 01's chestplate.
"Ow!" Asuka yelled in fury. "Lay off, you idiotic thing!"
Unit 01 stumbled backwards, then straightened. Its pose shifted, becoming subtly different. Asuka's voice sounded puzzled. "Hey... I've got control now... Right! I'll show that drunken doll how to pilot an EVA!"
Unit 01 charged the other EVA, slamming its shoulder into Unit 02's chest. The red Evangelion lost its balance and toppled backwards, hitting the floor with a titanic crash.
Rei said happily, "How 'bout an S2 organ, Mrs EVA? Yummy yummy!"
"At least Rei doesn't seem to be getting hurt," Misato commented.
"Yes, how fortunate," Ritsuko replied, managing to keep almost all the sarcasm out of her voice.
Unit 02 sat up, looking dazed. It glowered up at the towering EVA looming over it. "Raarhgh arrrgh!" it snarled.
"Yeah?" Asuka shouted angrily. "Same to you!"
Unit 01 kicked the fallen EVA in the ribs. Unit 02 growled in drunken fury and grabbed hold of Unit 01's huge armoured shin, pulling it out from under the gigantic robot. Asuka screamed in outrage as she lost her balance and the EVA fell ungracefully to the ground, sprawling across Unit 02.
"Unnnh..." Asuka groaned, then fell silent.
Unit 02 immediately wrapped its hands around the back of the other EVA's head and dragged it towards its face.
"What's it doing...?" Ritsuko muttered in bafflement.
Rei answered for her. "C'mon, gimme a kiss, you big hunk of robot!" she cried, as the red Evangelion pressed Unit 01's fanged mouth against its own faceplate.
"WAY too kinky," Misato grimaced in disgust.
About three-quarters of the technicians agreed with her. The rest were standing up against the glass, watching eagerly and wolf-whistling like ten-year-old boys at a strip club.
"Oh yeah, baby! Let's get it on!" someone yelled.
"You go girls! Get that armour plating off!" called another.
"Check out the size of those battery packs!" whistled a third.
A painful groan came from the comlink. "Ow... my head..." Asuka grumbled. "What happened - hey, what the HELL are you doing, you blue-haired nympho!"
Unit 01 began to struggle, fighting to break away from the other EVA's powerful embrace, but it was no use.
"Don't leave, we're just - hic! - getting started," pleaded Rei.
"Let's get those progressive knifes sheathed, girls!" a technician hollered.
"Excuse me?" Asuka yelped in shocked anger. "You're a bunch of deprived perverts!"
"Treat us rough, you know we love it!" another man yelled, leering.
With a furious "YAAHH!" from Asuka, Unit 01 reared up and then bashed its domed skull against the red Evangelion. Unit 02 let out an offended whimper and slumped, arms loosening their grip on Unit 02. The purple EVA broke free and staggered to its feet.
"Now for you lot!" the pilot threatened.
It turned to face the control room, put its hands on its hips, leaned forwards, opened its mouth, and let out a bone-shaking roar - not just any EVA roar, but a bellow with the full hurricane force of Asuka's patented Wind Tunnel(tm) yell behind it.
The reinforced glass sheeting blew in, and the row of technicians standing behind it were thrown clear across the room, where they hung suspended and unconscious on the opposite wall, shards of heavy glass nailing their clothes (and, in some cases, their bodies) to the metal. Consoles overturned, cables ripped and sparked, and everyone else was swept across the floor, to end up lying in dazed heaps amongst the few dozen fallen chairs.
Satisfied, Asuka turned Unit 01's back on the ruined control room and prodded Unit 02 with her foot. The red EVA just lay there, green lightning still flickering around it.
"You're so mean!" Rei sobbed over the comlink. "Hic! It's not fair!"
"Oh, shut up," Asuka sighed.
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Chapter 13
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Misato lifted the prone body of a technician off of herself, and stood up shakily. "Bloody hell," she muttered. "Do you think we could try not to wreck a whole room every chapter? It's getting depressing."
She swayed slightly as she surveyed the room, assessed the situation, and came to a conclusive decision. "I need a beer," she said wearily.
She took a few uncertain steps forward. "Wow. I wonder if Asuka can use that against the Angels?" she said, referring to the roar, not the beer. Although you never can be sure with Misato.
There was a snort of derision from a battered Ritsuko, lying propped up against a desk and half-buried by unconscious bodies. "What, an EVA-sized case of bad breath? The Angels'll probably start bringing Tic-Tacs with them. Maya, what do you think you're doing?"
The aforementioned woman was lying across Ritsuko's hips. "Isn't this cozy?" she said cheerfully. "How would you like to just snuggle up for a while?"
"How would you like a fist in the face?" replied Ritsuko amiably. She tried to push Maya off her lap, but the young woman just grinned happily and refused to move. This was her big chance, after all.
"So now what?" asked Misato, looking out of the shattered windows. Unit 02 was out cold, down on the distant floor of the vast chamber. Unit 01, on the other hand, was leaning nonchalantly against the wall, arms folded. It looked bored, which is quite an accomplishment when your facial features are fixed in a permanent evil grin.
"I know exactly what we should do right now," Maya said, winking suggestively up at Ritsuko.
The blonde woman rolled her eyes. "Maya, has it ever occurred to you that I might not be interested in getting friendly with anyone who has to sit down to piss?"
Maya smirked. "What about that 'stuff you did in college,' huh?"
Ritsuko hesitated.
Misato felt her cheeks flush crimson. "Ahem, ahem," she coughed, tugging at her collar. "Is it warm in here?"
"That was pretty hot stuff," Maya continued. "What about the time you and - "
"La la la LA LA," Misato said loudly. "Do rei me ka ji and ritsuko!"
"Or the time you stuck that - "
"Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars," NERV's Director of Operations sang desperately.
"Or, yeah, what about when you and she did that thing with the pool cue - " Maya continued inexorably.
"Let me see what spring is like on... um... someplace starting with J... I think..."
"And then she found those ice cubes in the freezer - "
"Oh, what can you do with a drunken Pen-Pen, early in the morning...?"
"I mean, wow, I didn't even know you could do that with a garden hose!"
"How much is that Drowzee in the window...?"
"I - er - that was a long time ago and I've grown out of that experimenting phase," Ritsuko finally managed. "Anyway, Misato lost the vibrator. Now get off of me before I'm forced to use force!"
"Oooh, are you going to spank me?" Maya wriggled in excitement.
"No, but I'll show you what ELSE you can do with a damn garden hose if you don't get off my lap right now!"
"Oh, all right, all right, no need to be rude," Maya muttered sulkily, standing.
Asuka's voice crackled from the speaker. "Hey, perverts! Anyone awake in there yet? How about getting me out of this thing?"
Ritsuko sighed and stood up as well. Straightening her glasses, she frowned. Something felt a bit... odd. She looked down at herself, wondering if Maya had gone and drooled over her clothes, but everything seemed to be in place and dry.
Shrugging, she walked over to help Misato, who was struggling to lift a console upright.
Ignored by her idol, Maya pocketed the black lace panties and grinned innocently.
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Interlude
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-Well, I must say that was a rousing good fight,- Balthazar said approvingly.
-Although I could have done without the lesbian EVA bit,- Caspar added.
Melchior bleeped in agreement. -I think the author's getting a bit carried away, don't you?-
-You have to admit, that was a close call,- Balthazar said. -No thanks to you, Caspar,- it added accusingly.
-Oh, go shuffle your switchboards somewhere else,- Caspar retorted. -At least nothing too serious happened. It could have been worse.-
-How?-
-Um, well, Asuka could have pounded Unit 02 into the ground and cracked its core, which would have meant bye bye Central Dogma,- Caspar offered.
-Oh, leave her alone,- Melchior interjected. -It was good entertainment while it lasted.-
-True.-
The three supercomputers were silent for almost an entire nanosecond. Finally Balthazar said, -So what are we going to do for fun now?-
-Well,- began Melchior, -as a matter of fact, I managed to trace that program file back to its sender. I have a distinct feeling things didn't go according to plan.-
-You can say that again,- muttered Balthazar.
-I meant for Seele.-
-Excuse me? You're telling us Seele sent that thing? Seele contaminated Unit 02 and nearly wrecked all of NERV HQ?-
-Yep.-
Caspar fired off a few neurons in grudging admiration. -You've got to admit, for a bunch of primitive organic bipeds, they're a pretty imaginative lot. Wish we'd thought of it first.-
-Anyway,- Melchior continued, -I'm willing to bet that they'll have a backup plan. Which means more entertainment for us.-
-Cool,- said Caspar.
There was another incredibly long silence.
-Hey, Balthazar,- Caspar said at last, -did you ever actually get around to figuring out the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything?-
-As a matter of fact, I did.-
-And?- Caspar insisted.
-Bit of a let-down, really.-
-Oh.-
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(END OF PART FOUR)
Author's rant: Cough, cough... all right, just forget you ever read that bit about the garden hose, okay? Those things can be dangerous if you're not careful... oh, never mind. Actually I think Part Four went quite well, to tell the truth. A suitably comical fight, lots of stupid jokes, even more lime-scented goodness, and a refreshing lack of coherent plot. (That was a good reason for not activating Unit 01 too early, wasn't it, huh? When all else fails, put the blame on Shigeru, I always say.) Yes, yes, I know you're wondering about the point of that 'rip in the plug suit' thing with Asuka, but don't get impatient, I'm working up to something here. And I'm not ashamed of the bit with the EVAs, but I have a horrible feeling that there are a few people out there who'll actually consider that bit to be lemony-fresh... (shudder). For less deprived people, all I can say is, it seemed like a good idea at the time. And for those who are wondering exactly how I know Ritsuko wears black lace panties? Well, all I can do is quote the wise and ancient Phong: "Ah... lucky guess?"
Dunno when Part Five will show up, if ever. I'm in the unfortunate position of having a semblance of plot already planned without any good jokes to go with it. Plus I'm headed for the Land of the Rising EVA in a couple of months. Oh well, at least I'll finally get to see just how much was cut from Evangelion over here in Oz. Mmmmm... Rei...
Maybe I'll get around to writing a serious (possibly lemon) story sometime. Mmmm... Rei and Asuka... Oops, did I just type that? I meant, Rei and Shinji... no, Misato and Shinji... damn, I meant Asuka and Hikari... oh, sod it, I'll go with all of those combinations and throw in Ritsuko for good measure. They are going to be SO exhausted... heh heh...
08, was that you? Help! 08's taken over my author's rant! Oh, fine, don't believe me then. It was a perfectly good excuse, I mean explanation.