Um... so it's been a really long while, like 8 months or something... better late than never? So you might want to read the previous chapters to refersh your memory.
Thank you Sister Rose for beta-ing. All mistakes are stil mine since I tinkered after.
Disclaimer: I don't own the OC or any of its characters though I may have shamelessly borrowed some dialogue.
Seth felt like he had been physically slapped by the teacher. Mr. Bendis had been writing him passes to the library, excusing him from PE ever since Ryan had come back to Newport and suddenly the teacher was refusing. He tried to ignore the sweaty palms when he realized he would have to go to PE for the first time in weeks, with Ryan there to witness his absolute humiliation.
"The coach came to see me the other day and asked me to stop giving you an excuse to miss his class. You understand, Seth that I can't step on my colleague's toes. Besides, the physical exercise will do you some good." Mr. Bendis smiled and patted Seth's shoulder.
Seth swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down in his throat. It felt like there was a large egg lodged there. "I – I understand."
Mr. Bendis stroked his trimmed salt and pepper beard. "Seth, is everything okay? Are you sure everything is okay in that class?"
Seth shrugged. He couldn't tell the truth. "The coach and I don't get along to well. I'll work it out." His eyes slid to the ground. "Thanks. You know, for all those passes."
He racked his brain, wondering who he could turn to as he left the classroom and turned to the empty halls. The late bell had already rung and everyone would be staring at him when he came to the gym. He wondered if he should go to the library anyway. The librarian was used to him coming and wouldn't question him if he didn't flash a pass, but it might catch up to him if the coach was asking after him.
He started walking to the gym, but halfway there he changed his mind and turned back to the library. He didn't care if the attendance office called home and told his parents that he had cut a class. He didn't care if his parents found out that he had been avoiding PE ever since Ryan had come home. He just didn't care anymore.
He waved at Ms. Allen, who as he suspected didn't ask for his pass, and went directly to one of the study carrels at the back of the library.
"So this is where you hide out all the time during PE?"
Seth jumped at the sound of Ryan's voice. They hadn't talked much since the forced Chrismukkah shopping trip the day before. As soon as they were in Sandy and Kirsten's presence the two boys had just allowed their parents to take over the conversation. It was easy to hide their silence behind Sandy and Kirsten's overeager attempt at filling all the dialogue gaps.
Seth forced a smile to his lips. "Hey. How come you aren't in class?"
"I missed a pop quiz in physics yesterday. Mr. Green asked me to take it in here during PE. Coach said it was okay."
Seth could hear the defensive note in Ryan's voice. He hadn't meant to accuse him of anything. Nothing he said to Ryan anymore came out right.
"Well. Um. Good luck with the test and all. I better go work on my project."
He dumped his backpack on the table and pulled out one of his notebooks. As soon as he was sure Ryan wasn't looking, he pulled out one of his charcoal pencils and started sketching. Surreptitiously, he stole glances of Ryan hunched over his test paper, and draw the lines that would form his best friend.
Everything was so screwed up. He thought back to their talk the day before at South Coast Plaza.
"You're the one who doesn't talk to me. You're the one who stopped e-mailing and talking to me when I was in Chino. You're the one who wants nothing to do with me. I still want to be friends."
Ryan was right. Seth knew he was the one tearing their friendship apart and tearing the family apart simultaneously. Yet he couldn't let Ryan know what a loser he was. How horrible it had been before he came to Newport and after he left.
"Do you think Ryan doesn't know how the bullies have treated you in the past?"
Seth shrugged at Dr. Berger's question. Ryan knew. He had always known. Hadn't he been there at the fashion show when he had tried to say hello to Luke?
"Suck it queer." Luke had answered with a look usually reserved for cockroaches and rodents. Then later Ryan had interceded when Saunders and Nordland had decided that he didn't belong at the beach party. Ryan had seen them holding him upside down.
"He knows. He knows," Seth told Dr. Bergers with closed eyes. "But once he came to live with us, that all went away. Most of it at least. If Ryan finds out what was going on, he'll know what a loser I really am. I had friends and a life, and I couldn't hold onto it. Not without Ryan. Without Ryan, I'm nothing."
He sketched Ryan hunched over his test paper. He sketched Ryan stealing glances over his shoulder. Whenever he saw his friend looking his way, Seth would duck his head, as if he were deep into his project. He sketched until he saw Lindsay come up to Ryan's study carrel and bend over so their heads were almost touching.
He studied Ryan's body language, how he automatically stiffened when Lindsay approached him. How his shoulders sagged as if to relax when she got close and his nose was close to her ear. How Ryan seemed to turn up his nose and breathe in the scent of Lindsay's hair. Ryan was interested in Lindsay and not as just an aunt, Seth realized. He closed his eyes and thought about how complicated things would get if Ryan and Lindsay started to date.
A small smile tugged at the corner of Seth's mouth as he pictured how the conversation would have followed last year had Ryan been in a similar situation.
"It's not like you dating Lindsay is incest. You're not even related. You wouldn't get arrested. You wouldn't have chromosomally challenged children."
"Kirsten is like my mom and Lindsay is her… sister."
"You know, I think they did a storyline like this on the Valley. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Girl turns out to be boy's surrogate mother's illegitimate half sister. You just have to ask yourself, is she your girlfriend or is she your aunt?"
"Do you have to make this anymore awkward than it already is?"
"You know Ryan, Lindsay's our age, so she's more like a sister. I always wanted a sister. How about you?"
If they talked at all, perhaps the conversation would have gone like that. If they would even bother to confide in each other at all. The way things were, Ryan would never entrust Seth with his secret desire to date Lindsay and how confused he must be feeling about the complicated, soap-opera family tree that had grown while he had been away.
The bell rang, signaling the end of Seth's PE period and the start of his lunch. He ducked his head, so Ryan wouldn't approach him about eating together. To his surprise it wasn't Ryan who came over, but Lindsay.
"Nephew Seth," she called in a loud whisper. "It's time to get some food. Join us."
He shook his head. "No, thanks. I'm not hungry."
"Then join us for the company." She pulled at his messenger bag. "Come on, no excuses. I see you aren't working that hard."
"I'd rather stay here."
"Fine. Then Ryan and I will join you."
"But Ms. Allen will have conniptions if she catches you and Ryan eating in here."
Lindsay rolled her eyes. "So we won't eat. You're making excuses."
"I just don't want to, Lindsay," he finally hissed. "Leave me alone."
She stopped when she saw the ferocious yet pleading look in Seth's big brown eyes.
"Okay. No problem. I'll leave you alone." She spun on her heels and walked away with her back so rigid, it looked like a pole was tied to her spine.
Seth hated the feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was pushing everyone away. His parents. Ryan. And now Lindsay. By the time he was done, he would be alone and miserable, though it wasn't a far cry from the way he was feeling at that very moment. But Seth knew eventually everyone would stop trying to reach out to him and just give up. He knew that would be the point of no return.
He watched Lindsay nudge Ryan, urging him to leave the library. He didn't miss the fleeting look his almost-brother threw over his shoulder as he weaved his way through the study carrels and comfortable seating. It wasn't too late. Not yet. But Seth didn't have the courage to tell Ryan the truth.
Ryan tried to block the events of the day as he buried himself in his homework assignments. There wasn't much to do, but his Global Studies teacher had mentioned a research report down the line. He only had a vague idea of what was expected, but it wouldn't hurt to get a jumpstart. It wasn't like there was much else to do. The house was as silent as a mausoleum. Seth was at his after school activities. He knew it wasn't a comic book club, but every time he tried to probe, Seth just clamped up. Kirsten was still working and would pick Seth up before coming home, and Sandy had a late day at court. So it was just Ryan. Even Rosa had a day off.
He turned on his laptop and waited for it to boot up. Drumming his fingers, against the kitchen table, Ryan's eyes scanned the kitchen and wondered if maybe he should start dinner. Though Kirsten and Sandy were doing more and more take-out lately. It seemed like Kirsten had no inclination to learn how to cook and with Sandy spending so much time in court, there was rarely any homemade food. Though family dinners were mandatory. It was a rarity that the Cohens allowed them to skip, as if acting out the part would make it true.
Finally the computer booted up and Ryan tried to get onto the Internet to start some general research for his report. He clicked on the Internet browser but was told he didn't have a connection. He tried to fiddle with the settings, but to no avail. He sighed and wondered if he should dare go up and use Seth's computer. Last year, he wouldn't have questioned the idea. He would have gone straight up, but nowadays, Ryan didn't pretend like things were the same as last year.
The phone rang while he mulled over the problem. He pushed back his chair and walked over to the kitchen counter where they kept the phone. It was Kirsten.
"Hey, honey. How are you doing?"
"Okay."
"Good. I was just calling to check up on you. I'll be home in an hour or so."
"Okay," he repeated.
"You sound a bit frustrated."
He wondered how Kirsten could recognize his emotions even over the phone.
"My laptop is giving me a problem and I can't get on the Internet to start on a research report."
"So go use Seth's computer."
"Seth's not home. I can't go into his room."
"Don't be silly, Ryan. Go ahead, Seth won't mind. We'll get the computer fixed, but until then you need to do your homework."
"Okay," he said.
He heard Kirsten chuckle. He wasn't sure what he had said that was so funny. With a shrug he told her good-bye and hung up the phone.
Seth's not home anyway, he thought and walked back to the table and gently closing his computer. He grabbed his notebook and took the steps two at a time. He wasn't surprised to see that the computer was on, but the ping of an incoming IM message started Ryan as he entered the room.
He sat down in Seth's swivel chair and read the message.
ChipsRUs
So, fag, how long can U hid in the gym?
Ryan stared at the computer. He studied the screen name. ChipsRUs? Who could it be? And then, like a light bulb going on in a very dark closet, Ryan realized it was Chip Saunders. He didn't know they were still harassing him. And at home? Through the computer? That had to be a new kind of low.
"What are you doing in here?"
Seth's near hysterical voice startled Ryan, causing him to nearly fall off the computer chair.
"You're home."
"Yeah. I am. What are you doing in my room? At my computer?"
"I couldn't get on online with my laptop. And I needed to do some research for school. Kirsten said it was okay."
Seth approached the computer and stared at the monitor. His nostrils flared when he saw the IM message mocking him once again from the screen.
"You have no business in here. This is my room. This is my space." Seth rushed passed the chair, causing it to swivel violently, and jabbed at the button so the screen turned off. He knew he looked and sounded hysterical. He could feel the panic building inside of him. Even his heart was thudding against his rib cage, hammering to get out.
"Okay. I'm sorry." He had known this would be the reaction. He hadn't expected anything different. At least now he suspected what was going on. What this was all about. He held up his hands as if in surrender and slowly moved from the chair toward the door, not stopping to grab his notebook from Seth's bed. His hand was on the knob ready to leave, when he asked in a stage whisper, "How long have they been harassing you, man?"
"Get out," Seth seethed through gritted teeth. "Just get out and stay out of my life."
As soon as Ryan left the room, Seth threw himself on his bed, snatched Captain Oats off of his night table and clutched the toy horse to his chest, burying his head in his pillow. The tears leaked out from the corner of his eyes. The snot slowly dribbled down his nose and towards his mouth. He sniffled and jabbed at his tears with the corners of his sleeves, but he could still feel his pillow getting wet underneath him.