CHAPTER 1, PART 2 - 'FLAKE EATER'

Previously on Chapter 1 - Flake Eater… Snake and some dude say some stuff- you didn't really miss much.

'That's it. That's fuck'n it,' yells Snake. You can tell he's pissed.

'What do you mean?' wonders The Boss.

'First off, for the record, I think this is all bullshit.'

'How do you mean, son?'

'Don't call me that, it freaks me out.'

'Fine. I won't.'

'Thank you. This is going nowhere. I mean, what happened to The Fear and Vamp? What the fuck did they have to do with it at all? Then… Raiden and The End… I don't even want to picture that.'

'I didn't make you.'

'Again, thank you. Even if they did… you know… yeah, that… then who's the mother… or you know… who did it come out from? Actually who even cares? I know they didn't give birth to Ocelot- The Boss and The Sorrow are his parents!'

'Really? No way! How do you know?'

'Shoulda payed more attention when you played Metal Gear Solid 3.' Snake winks.

'True, but it's so damn complicated to figure out.'

'Did you even play it?'

'Nah... I only got up to that part where you're in the room and those guys come in yelling "Move!" and there's like 8 of them, and where you have to hide under the bed, but then they chuck that flash bang grenade and everything goes white, and you can't see and then you kill the guys but don't have enough ammo so you have to use that CQC shit on them but the guy on the roof has a shotty and he smashed you when you're climbing up and you can't do shit…'

'Yawn'

'Ok so it was too hard, happy? Still don't believe you about the Boss being his mother. I mean she was American… why the hell would she call a yankee kid "Adamska" ?'

'I didn't write it man. But just think about it. If you are the boss, then you fought Ocelot on that ridge with the beehives over 60 years ago.'

'That I did. Was a tremendously difficult battle too.'

'Yeh whatever I did it on special with the Nagant and 8 rounds.' The guy claiming to be Big Boss grumbles. 'But yeh if you did fight him then that means he's all old now- if he's Raidens kid then he'd be younger than Raiden… but he's not.'

'Bear in mind, Snake, that the Metal Gear storyline has done weirder shit before.'

'Alright I admit. What about that arm thing? That was pretty fucked up, eh?'

'Hey man back up, that's my next story.'

'Ok fine. Whatever. Shit I've got to sit through another one?'

'That's right- there's no escape! Hahahahahaha.'

Snake can't take any more of this. 'I can't take any more of this. You're full of crap. Raiden! Get your sweet little ass over here.' Raiden who is all tied up in the back sortof manages to waddle over. 'Now if I untie you, you gotta promise to tell me what really happened with you and The End ok? And not try to like perform gay sexual acts on me with your mouth or anything ok?

Raiden talks with the gayest voice you've ever heard. No offence to Mr. Flynn, he did a decent job of making Raiden, an inherently gay character sound like as much of a hero as a gay character with a gay script can be. Which is to say pretty gay. But not his fault- his is not the voice you need to be imagining here. I don't know what the Jap dude who voiced Raiden sounds like, but if it's gay then that's what he should sound like here too. If not… well… buggered if I know- just imagine something. 'The truth about me and The End is… nothing,' says Raiden. Gay-ish-ly. 'He works at the bar.'

'But he's dead.'

'Not to me.' Snake and Boss look at each other and shrug. 'I would have given anything to go back with him to his place… to his romantic music and his empty birdcage…'

'I've had enough of this,' moans Snake, 'Listen gayboy, answer this- DID YOU SLEEP WITH THE END OR NOT?'

'By all that is righteously beautiful, no… He said, "I don't do gay little flakes like you"'

'Dammnit, we've heard enough then.' Snake gags him and boots him back to the corner. 'And stay there faggot! So, in conclusion, I was right and he could not possibly be Adamska's father!'

'No, he couldn't.' In steps a shadowy figure, seemingly cut from Casablanca although he may have appeared in the deleted scenes. I don't know since I hate that shit.

'How do you know you pancake?'

'I am Shalashaska! Also called…'

'Revolver…'

'Revolver…'

'Revolver…'

'…Ocelot. I heard everything, and I'm pissed you boys are being so harsh on the homosexual community. They're pretty decent guys- they can be badasses too. Now I'll show you why they call me…'

'Hold up. You're gay?' queries Snake.

'Why yes? Did you think the spurs and coat were all for show?'

'Hey sorry, man, I didn't mean anything by that. Gays are cool.'

'Cheers, Snake that means a lot to me. Don't worry, no harm done. And just between you and me, flakes like Raiden, well, even the gay community hates queer fairy bastards like that.'

'Preach,' hollers Snake.

'But what upsets me more than that little boy, is that this man is an imposter!' Ocelot points to the Boss. Everyone in the room gasps.

'I knew it!' cries Snake. 'I mean I'm meant to be a clone of him, and he's black.'

'You're a moron Snake,' cries Raiden. Snake has a zero tolerance thing going on now. He presses R2 to equip the SOCOM and extermines him with extreme prejudice.

'Truly the "Flake Eater",' warrants Ocelot. 'Now I came here looking for Big Boss, and what do I find, but a greasy freebooter! This man is not the Boss!'

Snake asks the question that they're all thinking. Or should be. They might not be following anymore, since this is getting kinda long and pointless. 'Then who is he?'

Find out next time on Chapter 2 - Fils de booter libre!