Before you read this you should be fully caught up on the web novel and have read the Greed IF story.
Also, there are times where I bend lore rules to suit the narrative. So look at everything here with a grain of salt in terms of how canon it is. Though I do try and keep the characters as accurate as possible.
A dream, I saw a dream
A dream that I thought wouldn't fade, a dream that kept repeating, a dream that I thought had no end, a dream that ended with the words,
"-Why does love, always fade?"
Subaru walked away from Petra, hearing those words ringing in his ears. Followed soon after by the sound of a shattering crystal.
He stared down, surprise rushed through his heart. He tried to hold the crystal together, pushing its fragmenting pieces back into a single whole. But the more he tried the more it broke.
"No," He growled, his mind couldn't form any other word. As his frantic attempt to reform the crystal continued a sharp sensation pierced his hands. Blood trickled down his hands. Originating from the numerous cuts from the glassy crystal.
"No," He whispered. You can't shatter. I still need to take on their suffering. "No," He whispered a little louder. Echidna, we made a contract so that only I had to suffer, "No," He said. There's still a place I want to reach, a wish I want to protect "NO!" Subaru yelled, his voice cracking as the word escaped his mouth.
"Subaru-sama?" A question rang out snapping him back to reality.
His eyes darted around the hallway, searching for the source of the question. It was Petra, she was still down the hallway staring at him. Subaru looked at her. Petra's mouth hung open as if trying to figure out what to say.
She stared into his eyes. Then she tried desperately to pull her eyes away from his. She looked like she was examining something for the first time.
After a long moment, she pulled her eyes away from his. Then looked down at the crystal Subaru was holding, or what was left of it. Then her eyes saw what surrounded the crystal: two hands covered in red cuts, blood covering the crystal giving it a kind of red sheen. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes.
She looks so sad I really am pathetic, aren't I? No, I'm the dependable Subaru, the one who suffers so they don't have to. They don't have to suffer, only I do. Then why does she look sad? Only I'm supposed to suffer. Only me. Then why does she look so sad? She can't be sad, only I have to suffer. Yes, that's the answer. I can't let a timeline exist where I made Petra suffer. This timeline must end. Right? No can't think like that of course the timeline can't exist.
Outside of Subaru's mind, he stood. Then began walking back to his room, "Subaru-sama," Petra said, "Are you alright?" She gestured to his bleeding hands. By now the tears were no longer in just the corner of her eyes, they now filled them. It was a miracle that her tears hadn't fallen to the mansion carpet yet.
In response a smile forced its way onto Subaru's face, lips contorting as if in agony rather than happiness, "I'm doing g-great Petra, just messed up my hands a bit." Subaru pushed out through clenched teeth.
"Subaru-sama really is clumsy," Petra said, trying to reverse the frown on her face. Her tears began to run down her face as she blinked. Subaru didn't wait to see what happened after that, instead, he stepped into his room.
Inside of Petra's mind, a thousand questions formed. What was he doing with that broken crystal? Why was he yelling? Why were his hands bleeding? Why did his eyes look so cold?
Why did he look like he was in pain when he smiled?
With a mind full of unanswered questions she began to retreat into her memories, as she always did when she talked to Subaru. She remembered a boy in a butler's outfit coming to visit their village. He taught them all such funny dances. What did he call them? Petra thought about it, but she couldn't quite remember. He hadn't done them since he'd come back from the sanctuary.
In those same memories, she had seen something that now pushed the tears down her face. His eyes. When he first came to the village she was a little scared by those eyes. But now when looking back she realized she would take those eyes over the ones he had now any day. Those were so expressive. So alight with mischief. So alive.
As Petra's tears reached the floor she remembered another thing she missed. That smile. One that truly looked like a smile. Before the sanctuary whenever Subaru smiled he looked genuinely happy. Like he wanted to spend the rest of his life doing those silly dances with the villagers. Now, whenever he smiled Petra knew it was fake. His smile looked more like a grimace than a real smile. As if he was being tortured.
Petra pulled herself together again and looked at the door. She clenched her jaw, then held up her hand as if to knock on the door thinking, He shouldn't put up a tough front around the people he cares about. I should get him to drop the act then maybe he won't look so sad. I can help him.
She reached for the door, but right before she knocked, an image flashed through her mind. It was Subaru standing at the door to the mansion. He'd looked cold and serious. That was the second time he saved her life. I can't save Subaru, he's the one who always has to save me.
Another memory this time she was lying down, barely conscious. Unable to properly register her surroundings except for a young boy and such a warm smile. Never mind he can figure this out on his own; he probably already is figuring it out, he doesn't need me interrupting him.
With that, Petra dropped her hand, unclenched her jaw, and walked away. Her eyes were still filled with tears. But she had other work she needed to do. The windowsills needed to be dusted. As Petra began to work she looked back at Subaru's door. No, I should help Subaru. He helped me. After all, I should repay the favor. Then we can be even again. With a newfound resolve, she began walking towards the door.
Subaru didn't let her arrive.
Inside the door, Subaru dropped the smile and retreated into his mind. Why? Why did Petra look so sad?
"It doesn't matter," Subaru said as he pulled out his knife. She won't have to suffer this timeline any longer. He'd always kept a knife on him ever since he made the contract. The Contract Subaru thought. The other reason he wanted to reset the loop.
"Echidna," Subaru growled as he held the knife in his bleeding hands.
Images of Petra flashed through his mind. A twelve-year-old girl from a small village. She'd wanted to make clothes in the capital. She'd become a maid so she could hang around Subaru more often. She'd given him a handkerchief to tie around his wrist.
But after Subaru formed the contract with the witch, whenever Petra saw him she looked so sad. I want to protect Petra even though she looks so sad I will take on her suffering. I will suffer so she doesn't have to. But why is she so sad?
"Echidna," He held the knife to his throat.
He remembered a boy trying to stop Subaru from freeing the sanctuary. A boy who loved Ram even when she barely looked at him. Garfiel you hate me and I don't care about you. But I will suffer so you don't have to. I will suffer for you, even if you hate me. But why do you hate me?
"Echidna." He pushed the knife further, pricking his neck, a small stream of blood ran along the blade.
Memories awoke in his brain. A memory of calling for help in an alleyway on his first day in a new world. A memory of a man with red hair and brilliant blue eyes. A man who helped him with a smile on his face. That same man proclaiming the fifth royal candidate. Reinhard, you may be the strongest but I will suffer so that you don't have to. Reinhard, I made you so sad. I'm sorry for driving Felt away, but it was necessary to protect Priestella. Right?
"Echidna." He pushed the knife further, blood flowing faster, filling his throat, and covering his hands and the knife with ever more blood.
He heard the sounds of Ram insulting him as he woke up in a foreign mansion. He heard the sound of her turning his name into a blinding curse. He heard the sound of constant beratement. But in that beratement and those insults was a familiarity something he longed for. Why? Why does she act so cold when she is being nice? Why is she so far away?
"Ec-c-ch-hidna." He tried to push the knife forward but he couldn't get a good grip. It was slick with blood.
A girl flashed through his mind. A flash of blue. A flash of a girl walking along on a bridge as she held a bag of supplies from a trip to Arlam Village. A young boy was talking about how he'd love to laugh along with a demon while they talk about next year. She smiled. Another flash. Subaru was staggering through a hallway. His arm was ripped off. He ran from the sound of chains. He fell, his head crushed. Flash. He was in a forest running from the chains again. He fell to the ground and his leg was gone. He tried to get the girl to listen. She crushed his limbs again and again. His throat was cut by the wind.
Flash. He was having a nightmare and two maids held his hands. They were trying to calm a boy because they couldn't stand to see him suffer. Flash. She was looking up at Subaru. They were standing next to open windows, the morning sunlight streaming into the room. And now because of Subaru, she looked forward instead of back.
Flash. She was buying appa's with Subaru. Flash. She had left him in an inn alone to protect him. Flash. She carried a Subaru that couldn't speak towards Emilia trying to get him to wake up and come to his senses. Flash. She was jumping out of the back of a carriage. Towards a singing whale. Flash. She was telling him all the things she loved about him. Flash. She was with him helping him fight the singing whale.
Flash. She was laying on a grassy field surrounded by other wounded. She lay forgotten. Flash. She was in a bed in a deep sleep, one that she would never wake from. Please, Rem. Please wake up.
"Ec-c-c-c-hid-h-hna" He could barely force out the word through the blood filling his throat. He tried to keep his grip on the knife.
He heard a sound that was soft, reassuring, like the sound of silver bells. She found him in an alleyway. Subaru was surrounded by thieves; it was his first day in a new world. She saved him by scaring off the would-be thieves. She healed him. She waited to make sure he was alive though she had much better things to be doing. She asked him for his name. And she gave him a name. But it was not her name, it was a false name. They arrived at night at an eerily quiet loot house. He was cut open and she ran after him to help him. She was killed. And he promised to save her.
With the sound of bells a new memory. Subaru used the name she'd given him. And she was angry that a random boy had called her the name of the witch just because she looked like the witch. The sound of silver bells. Subaru asked for her real name after he'd saved her from Elsa. Silver Bells.
She was giving him a lap pillow and she was embarrassed the whole time. Silver Bells.
She was yelling at him for breaking his promises and breaking her trust. Silver Bells. She was covered in her own blood and the witch had killed her for finding out about return by death. Silver Bells. She and Subaru were talking on a grassy field.
Silver Bells. She was comforting him as he looked down at a sleeping girl she couldn't remember. Silver Bells. Her mind was broken by the first trial. Bells. She became dependent on Subaru. She needed him to tell her for her to be functional.
The sound of cut hair. She cut her hair to be more like that forgotten girl Subaru spent so much time around. Crack. The sound of ice freezing into existence. Lashing out in her dependence on Subaru. Emilia, I'm sorry. But there was no way for you to clear the trials Right? Echidna? Even in his own head, Subaru's thoughts sounded hollow.
"P-hl-h-h-eash Eh-hi-dh-h-honh-a-h." His blood-filled throat tried to form the request. He didn't know what he was asking for. Reassurance? A new contract? Both? He couldn't tell. Instead of trying to answer, he got a firm grasp on the knife.
He heard a voice in his head, "-I'm sorry Natsuki-san this is farewell. I Uhm, Natsuki-san. Even though things are like this, I thought of you as my benefactor. I thought of you as a person I owed a great debt to which I wanted to pay as soon as possible. But, I saw your decision and I understand it. You don't want anyone's help, and on the contrary, you're going to try and somehow do everything by yourself, and you can do it. Therefore, this is my way of returning the favor. Since you probably will try to protect everyone who you are close to, I will take my leave. Well then, goodbye, Natsuki-san. Take care of yourself. I thought of you as my friend. You wouldn't have thought that though." Why did you do it, why did you come all the way to the Sanctuary, your debts were paid. Why did you come all that way and then leave? Why?
"O-h-tt-hho?" The knife finally plunged all the way into Subaru's neck, leaving the question hanging in the air, unanswered.
Shadows. He was surrounded by incredibly dark shadows. No light could penetrate them.
"Hk. What the hell where-" Subaru searched around, but nothing was visible in this world of darkness.
"I love you" A voice of soft silver bells.
He realized he was in that place that he hadn't seen in so long. A place that could be described as a garden of shadows. There waiting for him, was a woman. She was beautiful by the standards of his world. But by the standards of Lugunica, she was the ugliest person you could lay eyes on. When Subaru looked at her an odd feeling rose in his chest. If he had another thousand loops maybe he could explain the feeling.
"Why am I h-"
"I love you." The world of shadows fled.
The next time opened his eyes it was so bright. At the edge of his perception was a voice, "Well, boy? You want this Appa or not?"