Isekai'd, My Posterior!

William and Oscar handled the hollows on the upper floors with moderate effort – meaning that it was Oscar that did all the work – before both undead stood directly in front of a looming cut out swathed in silvery mist.

"Ah, the fog wall," William mused as he stuck a finger into his nose. Only to realize he still didn't have one. And sighed. "The bane of existence for some, whilst the foolhardy look at it with mystification. A true example of foreboding for any sane fellow not looking forward to having a club shoved up his ass… or a machete for that matter."

"That… does not sound pleasant in the slightest…" Oscar commented quietly. "And why is it you're smiling? Does the thrill of the unknown excite you so?"

"Nope, I hate unknowns. Although, they do make things mildly more hilarious given certain situations. Like when you open the door of your bathroom and find a disrobed beauty busy toweling off after a hot shower."

"Does that happen frequently where you come from?" the Astorian frowned behind his helmet. Just where did his savior happen to grow up?

"You mean it doesn't happen in your hometown?"

"Uh, no."

"Well that's a crying shame. Doesn't happen in my crib either."

"It doesn't? But I thought you said-"

"Unless you count that time my brother's girlfriend cleaned up at my place whilst forgetting to tell me she would be there in the first place. Never knew girls shaped pubic hair into hearts like that. You think it's the same in this world?"

"I'm sorry, this world?" Oscar quipped; hand stilled from wiping blood from his sword. And what did he mean by 'shaping pubic hair' exactly? William merely shrugged.

"World, realm, domain, area, part of town, they all mean the same thing really." William muttered as he internally sighed. He really needed to get a grip on the whole Isekai'd thing. The last thing he needed was the Astorian telling him it was fate or some nonsensical gibberish similar to that regarding his permanent summoning to this dying star of a planet. He had already told Fate to deepthroat a light pole, no way in hell was he allowing himself to be seen as some mysterious hero summoned from the planes of another dimension to right the wrongs of other beings. He had already read enough manga to realize that that straw was the shortest.

Snorting the build-up of mucus into his throat, William leaned over the spiked banister behind him to gaze at the hill they would soon pass through before spitting out a globule of dark brown slime. He watched as the sickening orb flew from his wrinkled lips and fell down the side of the wall before hitting the stone stairs with a wet slap. The response he gave was a grunt as he turned back around to looked at a peeved Oscar.

"Over thirty feet in height. You'd break your legs if you decided to hop over."

"Why ever would I want to vault over?" the Astorian replied.

"You want to fight bubble butt down there instead?" William questioned pointing a finger toward the fog wall. Oscar looked down at his greaves in reply.

"I thought so. Now come along."

The knight followed his swindler of a comrade that crossed into the room adjacent to the fog. He had already defeated the armored hollow within that was currently bleeding against the far wall with its dry mouth open in a silent scream. He watched William hunker down next to the corpse and begin to pillage what items were left on the slowly rotting thing. Oscar gave a grimace. As a knight, he was taught not to defile the bodies of the fallen out of respect for the dead. That being said, this was William he was talking about.

The man had already taken the bow from the previous foe he had felled and gone as far as to pluck off an ear from another hollow only to place it against his own head. He supposed that his savior being a thief, their way of living was vastly dissimilar to his own but was it really necessary to sever the scrotum of every hollow they had come across?

Nevertheless, this time his friend wasn't focused on shaming the dead, but rather just stealing from them. William nodded in triumph as he picked up an Estus Flask from the fallen hollow below him before he stood up, walked toward a rusty gate and tapped his chin pensively.

The knight was about to ask what was the matter when William went back to the dead body, picked it up on shaky knees and threw it at the gate with enough force that the skull made a loud crunch.

"What on earth is the matter with you?!" Oscar barked as he stepped forward and grabbed the undead by the arm.

"Oh, you're still here? Good, help me use this body as a battering ram. A few good knocks and this gate will be sure to collapse."

"Have you gone mad?" the knight hissed as he turned William around. The thief, for his part simply shrugged as nonchalantly as ever.

"We're in an asylum. What do you think? Now, hurry up and kill that demon whilst I get busy here."

"What? Then how are you- just, no." the Astorian huffed, throwing his arms up in exasperation. For all William's strangeness, he was startlingly sharp and logical in conversation.

"How do you even expect me to kill something that large?" he asked.

"You have a sword, shield and generally pristine armor. I'm sure you can figure it out." William answered simply before picking up the discarded body to his left once more.

"Hey, just wait a moment!" Oscar shouted, making William sighed out and turned back to the knight. Proliferating procrastination. Perhaps this was the reason the Astorian before him didn't make it into the dev's final cut. It made a lot more sense to him now.

"Have you any idea how difficult it would be to kill a demon of all monsters? And why is it you're pawning this duty unto me?"

William hummed in thought for a moment as he dug his fingers into the corpse's open wound for a moment, creating a cringe-worthy squelching sound as more blood coated the floor below them both.

"Looking at this plainly, you're far better suited to take that thing down. Besides, how long have you trained as a knight?"

"Um, well, I became a squire when I was a wee lad."

"And how old are you now?" William enquired.

Oscar thought about it for a moment. "About thirty-two. I became an undead when I was in my twenties..." he looked at William's eyeless stare before catching the hint.

"Ah. I see your point."

"Superb." The thief said and turned back to his task, lifting the dead body up again.

"What are you doing anyway?" the knight pondered as William smashed it against the rusty gate, making the hinges rattle noisily.

"There's an item I saw on the other side of this gate. We might need it later on."

"Is this cautiousness speaking or something more personal then?" the knight frowned.

"As a thief, I'm inclined to search for something that could potentially be nothing. Besides that… I'm kind of a kleptomaniac. I can't really help myself sometimes, ha-ha!"

"I'm sorry, a klept-what?"

William opened his mouth to repeat it before he thought better of himself.

"You know, just kill the Asylum Demon for us. It is your duty as the Chosen Undead, after all."

At this, Oscar seemed to straighten. William was right, yet again, if he couldn't put down a simple monster, what good was he as the Chosen Undead?

Leaving the thief behind to acquire this 'item' he spoke of, Oscar rolled his shoulders and adjusted his surcoat. The fiend may have bested him when he was infiltrating the Asylum walls, but now that he had the higher ground, there was no possible way he could flounder.

Taking a deep breath amidst the guttural growling of the demon that lay beyond, Oscar drew his sword and waltzed through the fog. An ephemeral feeling of serenity washed over him as all scent, sound and sight was purged from his mind. When the Astorian opened his eyes again, he was staring down at a gnarly demon, resting a gnarly tree upon its shoulder, with gnarly fangs and pus-coated sores dotting its obese skin like scales. Its red eyes seemed to glow in the orange light above them as it gave another growl, craning its neck and experimentally flapping its miniature wings in preparation for an impromptu attack.

That was when the knight claimed his advantage.

"FOR ASTORA!" he shouted as he leapt from the platform the fog had deposited him at, his blessed blade primed above his helmet as gravity sent him hurling toward his foe.

William gave a cheer as the rusted iron gate fell with a clatter before he coughed and hacked at the dust filling his throat. It was only after he had managed to dry heave a moth ball the size of his left nut that he heard the muffled sound of a ginormous beast wail in pain. He smiled widely as he thought of Oscar, only to cuss like a pregnant mother on the operating table when his dry lips split down the center, depositing congealed blood that better resembled sand.

"Ah, well now." He murmured, gently poking his lips with a bony finger. "At least my Ted Talk boosted his morale. Now here's to hoping he can actually kill that fat-ass in the other room."

In truth, William's expectations for Oscar were as low as a menopausal woman's sex drive. He had only planned on trying to make the Astorian the Chosen Undead on a whim – and because it was in the heat of the moment. Now that he thought about it, he actually had better odds betting on the fellow to die, go hollow, get sat on again, and leave his stuff behind so that William could pick it all up and kill the demon himself. Thereafter, all he would do when he reached Lordran was lie under the great oak in Firelink and play I-spy with the Crestfallen Warrior. It was a simple plan of simplicity if plan A failed… which he was almost positive it would, given the odds.

A distant slam of a heavy weapon against old tiles and a rattle of masonry to his right, and William was digging through the corpse he knew would be on a flight of half-deteriorated stairs, picking up a decapitated hand as he carefully slid a rusted ring off of a finger caked in dry blood.

It wasn't like he was ever getting out of Lordran or the Dark Souls Universe to begin with, William had already accepted the singular piece of his fate that he wouldn't be able to return to his reality. That was just how these Isekai troupes worked. They take you to a fantasy world of your dreams (well, in this case he had drawn the short straw. He would have preferred to go to the same place as Rimuru Tempest. The Goblina's there had caught his fancy for a while now), give you mystical swords and a questline only the biggest of geeks would think up only to hit you with a bombshell that you can never leave because bringing you to their world was hard enough, God forbid they sacrifice another hundred mages via blood spell to send you back. Damn selfish hypocrites. Those mages are going to die protecting some diabetes-ridden King with gout anyways, why not put their deaths to better use sending the Hero back to his own world? It was good manners. After all, an Isekai'd Otaku could only live so long before yearning for technology again. It was simple physics. Or was it actually psychology he was talking about? He had flunked one of them in his last semester but couldn't remember which.

The sound of Oscar being thrown across the room sounded loud enough for the stagnant water near the cells to quiver, yet William didn't hear it as he continued to pillage the body below him.

Thinking back, perhaps allowing Plan A to fail wasn't such a good idea. After all, if Oscar actually died and went hollow, the task would then fall onto his incapable shoulders to bear. And William had had enough weight to carry after his bro had dumped his pregnant girlfriend in his apartment for six months because he was in prison for selling pirated DVD's.

Another growl from the bottom-heavy ass demon and William huffed before slapping his skinny thigh. To hell with it, he would just have to save the damned knight so that he could continue this quest of 'making the gullible idiot the Chosen Undead'. It wasn't like Solaire or Siegmeyer would be willing candidates; they weren't nearly as stupid as Oscar.

William felt the floor shake once more (probably due to the ass demon's ass attack… he wondered how potent his farts must be) before his fingers happened to grab something hard and round near the groin area of the corpse he was fondling – and no, he was not attempting to seem like a necrophiliac.

Gripping the orb-like object, William gave small tug before looking down at his hand in surprise, another grin forming on his face, when yet another part of his lips split open.

"Ah! Motherf…" he groaned before tossing the object he picked up in the air and caught it in the palm of his hand. Now this was an oddly favorable turn of events…

Oscar dug his heels into the rickety floor as his shield was struck with enough force to dislocate his shoulder if he hadn't been wearing extra armor over his shield hand. The force from the blow sent his body flying backwards, and he allowed his feet to leave the ground before rolling on his back and onto his hands and knees. The Asylum Demon stared back at him with bloody murder in its eyes as it gripped its demonic hammer tighter, a growing fountain of blood falling from its ugly forehead and dribbling over ivory fangs.

He had managed to wound it quite badly with the addition of a few well-placed gashes littering its right thigh, left heel and bulbous gut, yet the beast failed to give into its wounds that bled freely thanks to the enchantment on his sword.

With a ragged sigh, the knight rose back to his feet, jostling the sword in his hand as he prepared for round two. It wouldn't be an easy fight, and there was no guarantee he could win but he had William counting on him! And he would most certainly not be one to disappoint his savio-

"Move, Bitch! Get out the way!"

Both Oscar and the Asylum Demon looked up only to see William slam a broken straight sword into the cranium of the beast that was current wondering what the frankincense was going on. A shrill scream left its oversized mouth as it dropped its hammer on its foot and tried in vain to pull the thief off its body.

William wobbled and flung his arms out to steady himself before he leapt away from the flailing demon, landing on his rear as Oscar reached him and pulled him back to his feet.

"William, what were you-"

"Giving you a hand, now stand back and prepare for something awesome."

Without waiting for the knight to comply, William shoved him back behind a pillar before pulling out a ball from somewhere on his person. The Astorian eyed the ball curiously before realization struck him.

"You didn't tell me you had firebombs on you."

"I didn't tell you how I lost my virginity either, you wanna be nosey about that too?"

Oscar stepped back from the thief who was tossing the flammable projectile around in his hand. "No, thank you."

"Good. Because that's a story I ain't too pleased about m'self."

"U-Uh, okay…"

William waved him away as the Asylum Demon regained its bearings and glared down at the thief that had stabbed him. William merely grinned back at it before he received a wrathful roar that sent large globules of mucus everywhere.

"Yeah, I see ya' too, ass-monkey. Now, come at me bro."

As if understanding his taunt, the demon picked up its hammer and gave a mighty swing, growling out a roar at the same time.

William, with his limited battle expertise reacted as any noob would, by dropping into a push-up position as the massive hammer sailed overhead and slammed into the wall adjacent to the enormous exit doors. The demon growled in anger at its failed attempt to flatten its aggressor before it tried to rent its weapon free. William took that moment to cock his arm back, firebomb at the ready, making the demon stiffen as it realized it was baited into attacking.

"Now you've done it, haven't you, ya' dumbshit?! Ha-ha-ha-haa!"

"Um, William, perhaps you should attack instead of wasting time." Oscar offered his opinion but was waved off.

"Relax, Oz'. Just watch and learn!"

At the end of the thief's sentence, he hurled the firebomb forward, the small orb of porcelain and flammable powder and oil veering toward the Asylum Demon almost in slow motion as William grinned like a man who was about to get lucky.

Unfortunately, the suspense ended when said firebomb impacted with the floor instead of the demon itself.

"Uh…" William stiffened nervously as Oscar deadpanned before raising his sword at shoulder height. Well, at least the thief hadn't been lying about being useless in combat.

The Asylum Demon let out a gruff laugh akin to a pig snorting before he wrenched out his hammer, scattering debris and bits of stonework in all directions. Now it was really going to have some fun. It had been temporarily miffed when the scrawnier of the two humans had pulled out that fire orb, but now that it had missed, their greatest weapon was gone. And now there was just the two helpless undead.

Taking confident stomps forward, it two-handed its weapon before flapping its tiny bat-like wings, making Oscar sweat-drop and take a step back as William became all giddy with excitement.

"William, this is no laughing matter, I tell you. Get thee behind me, fast!"

"Who are you trying to impersonate now? I thought the Bible didn't exist in this part of the world." William muttered with a shake of his head as he watched the ass demon get airborne.

"Oh, this is bad. We should seek cover from an overhead assault like that." The knight pleaded as he raised his shield and took more steps backward. He had already felt the pain such a blow could bring when he was near death inside that water-logged cell, he wasn't about to experience it twice.

"Get back for Gwyn's sake!"

"Live a little, Oscar!"

William stood proud with his hands on his bony hips as the ass demon landed, its hammer ready to turn the thief into pulp when the floor suddenly caved in.

Oscar watched on in utter shock as the Asylum Demon gave a loud roar of outrage as it tumbled through the floor, incidentally, crashing into its sibling standing directly underneath it. William let out a triumphant guffaw as he heard the ass demon's head crunch and snap as it collided with its ugly twin, a great crash making the entire Asylum tremble on its already unstable foundations.

"Ah-ha-ha! Learn not to be so gullible, shit for brains!" William yelled down into the pit below them as the sibling demon glared up at him. It had been the perfect plan too. William had known all along that the foundations of the room they were in were immensely fragile, all it would need was adequate roughing up. That was why he had purposefully thrown the firebomb incorrectly, in order to weaken the ground enough so that when fat-ass hit the deck, he would go down swinging like a good dumbass.

The undead gave a sigh of pleasure as he felt the rush of souls enter his Darksign. He loved it when a plan came together.

Oscar, for his part, merely dropped to his knees as he stared at his companion, complete shock written on his helmed face. William… the undead he had saved who had admitted to not being the Chosen Undead… a thief who had more nonsensical and confusing things to say rather than actually contribute to a conversation… the man who straight out defiled the bodies of the dead as if they were tools… the very same undead who-

"Oh, Frampt's sake! How many times do I have to tell you to think with your head? You're still vocalizing your thoughts here!"

-had saved him with nothing more than a spite of humanity had felled a demon not even his Astorian battle skills could manage to best. It was pure shock, an utter crowd stopper, a bloody outrage and marvel to behold!

"Please, praise me more. My self-confidence needs a good boost every now and again." William smiled as if he were an old man relieving himself in bed.

What he had witnessed was so mystifying that Oscar was beginning to think that maybe William should take the role as the Chosen Unde-

SMACK!

"Ah!" Oscar shouted before readjusting his helmet. "Now was that really necessary?"

"Had to stop you from saying stupid shit." William replied, dusting his hands. "Now come along. We're bustin' outta this joint!"

"That's all well and fine but how would we do such a thing? The Asylum Demon had the key to this very door."

Instead of replying, William led the knight toward the crater the ass demon had left next to said door and grinned. Oscar merely stared at him blankly.

"I'm sorry, am I meant to be seeing something here?"

"Yes, the wall is damaged."

"I can see that."

"So, I'm assuming that you understand my meaning." William said.

"That the wall is damaged?"

"Yes."

"And?" Oscar pressed which only rewarded him with a sigh.

"Do us a favor and knock the thing down, would you?"

"You don't honestly expect me to possess that much strength, do y-"

"Damn straight I do."

The knight groaned out but complied, nonetheless. It was better than spending more time stuck in this decrepit place anyways. Taking a running start, Oscar ran with his shield up before shouldering through the wall as William had directed. To his surprise, the durability of the wall was weaker than he anticipated as he flew though the loose bricks and fell on his side, left to choke and cough on the dust particles that invaded his helmet through the visor.

"See? We didn't need some key." William smiled, offering the knight a hand which was accepted. They peered up at their new surroundings flogged by crisp snow, falling in every direction possible as it turned the brown peak into one of pure white.

"Say, how did you manage to get here in the first place?" William asked as he held out a hand to collect snowflakes.

"Oh, that's an easy one. A crow picked me up and carried me here." Oscar said in a rush of sudden excitement that made the thief take a cautious step back. So the Astorian was easily won over by the mysterious. That was good to know. Although, he would have to steer the man away from Kaathe in the future. Or maybe he wouldn't. The rise of Man did sound kinda good when you really got down to it, the Abyss and purple-colored ichor infecting people into grotesque monsters aside.

"Magnificent creature, that was. It almost seemed to understand everything I told it. Amazing, is it not?"

"Uh-huh. Real nifty if you ask me." William nodded and began to look around the cliff face dotted with old crypts and broken archways.

So it seemed Velka had a hand in bringing the Astorian here in the first place, which meant the theory of her attempting to punish the Great Lords via the Chosen Undead was a definite possibility, which also meant she was the potential wanker that Isekai'd his ass here in the first place.

As for why she would bother with him of all people, it was unknown. Perhaps to ease her of her eternal boredom, or perhaps she saw something inside him that would work better in this setting (pfft, yeah right). He didn't know. What he did know was that he was some unseen Goddess' new boytoy. Just great. Just freaking perfect.

"Anyway, perhaps we should call it hither. We are outside of the Asylum after all." Oscar suggested and it took a few moments for William to process that the knight had just said 'call it hither'. It was odd in its own right for the simple fact that the Astorian had yet to slap him in the face with any olde-English since their meeting.

In response to the knight, William turned on his heel and re-entered the Asylum, walking toward the now opened entrance doors he had refused to force apart with his dry bones for arms and tissue paper for skin.

"Uh, William. Where are you going?" Oscar asked in confusion.

"Back to my cell." The undead replied nonchalantly, causing the knight to sputter.

"But I- you- Why?"

"Because I left something important there." William's voice echoed up toward the knight as he began to descend the stone steps.

"Okay, what is it you left behind then?"

William stopped next to the bonfire at the foot of the stairs to turn his gaze back to Oscar. The undead said nothing for a moment before sighing out and turning toward the next corridor.

"A doll. A very important doll."

Like I said before, this is a parody fic aimed to do nothing but provide me with what form of comedy I can produce in the moment. Hope you're liking it so far. There's more to come later.

Woo-hoo.