Isekai'd, My Posterior!
Fun Fact: Chainsaw's were originally created as a tool to help deliver babies.
A floating skull of red aimlessly hovered above a pitfall more than fifty feet deep. It didn't care for the other floating skulls milling about in a group of four because… well, they had ostracised it from the gathering.
They hadn't said anything to directly announce it. Even if they wanted to, they didn't have flesh to form words. Even so, it was quite clear that they didn't want it to join their quartet of queerness – which was contradictory coming from a similar lifeform – so it just decided to gravitate toward the edge of this horseshoe-like island. Perhaps it would find a better use of its infinite time away from the others.
Its job, the same as the rest of the reanimated beings in the Catacombs, was a simple one: incapacitate intruders.
The skull didn't know why that was its purpose, nor did it care. In fact, it didn't even bother to think. It was just a floating skull, after all. The only way one could get it to react was if something living entered its proximity.
A crash and a curse somewhere to the west-east of the skull, and it continued its beeline toward nothing but open space, content to stare into the blackness below with its eyeless gaze and red aura of combustible energy.
One thing it recalled was that it and the others were only here to guard something. That had been its obligation since the inception of its time as a skull floating on a red swirl of virulent power. After all, just to its left was a secret tomb. A private tomb. One where servants of the Gravelord visited for reasons unknown. Another unknown was how and why the skull even remotely knew that to begin with.
Hearing more noise than usual near the entrance of the secret tomb, it continued to ignore the disturbance and swooped down lower, its jaw now in line with the dust covered floor of the rocky outcrop.
The skull stared at the ground. It was a dull shade of brown. It also looked like any ground should – not that it knew what the ground was supposed to look like in the first place. Again, it was just a floating skull. It was just here to guard the secret to-
A sudden buzz of electricity in the air and the skull swayed to the left. This was an anomaly. Its proximity sensors had been triggered. But that could only mean that there were living lifeforms within the Catacombs, which meant there were intruders.
The floating skull stared dead ahead at the lone undead sipping from a flask of amber and emerald before cussing at the sight of it. Whether the skull knew what was being spoken or how it knew the silver-haired being before it was a human was anyone's guess. The only thing that mattered now was that it did its job.
And its job, as nothing more than a floating red skull… was to purge anomalies. And that was why it quivered and glowed brighter. That was why it overloaded its programming. That was why it forced itself to combust.
For to combust… was to allow the Gravelord to continue his much needed rest.
"Phew, that little bastard sneaked up on me. Would have lost an eye if this annoying dick hadn't gotten in the way." William sighed out, staring at the reassembling bones of the skeleton that had attempted to lop his head off with a rusty curved sword.
The jump from the second bridge had hurt like expected, and he had broken the bones he knew he would break – as expected. The good news, though, was that he had not died. Just felt extreme pain that had made a lot of skeletons aware of his position before those floating skulls had gone boom, wiping them all away.
The one that remained had reformed at the waist before William slashed his sword against its pelvic bone, causing the thing to crumple and die. He knew there was probably a real big limit on how much of the swords divine power he could actually use, but as long as it stopped these quacks from getting up, he really didn't care much. He wasn't going to up his faith if he could, either. He was pouring everything he had into endurance and resistance when he reached Firelink. He wanted to be as durable as he was going to be fast. It would help in properly speed running tedious terrain. And since this world could upgrade his physical capabilities with a simple splash of souls, he was going to pump that bonfire with the stuff until it oozed spirit juice like a gangbanged pornstar.
He dusted his hands, peering into the tomb shoved into the corner of this side of the Dead City. The tall, breathing outline of the Titanite Demon was visible from where he stood and he scoffed. Why did those constructs of special rock even breathe in the first place if they were made of rock? Was Miyazaki trying to be funny or was that deceased and unknown Blacksmith Deity just a fellow that liked to make the absurd a reality?
Nevertheless, now that he was here, he actually had two choices that would lead him to Pinwheel. The first choice was going into the tomb before him and jumping into the open coffin every Servant of the Gravelord Covenant used to commune with Nito, which would mean intense claustrophobia, a rocky ride, infinite darkness and a sword made of bones that would be too heavy for him to lug around. The alternative, and original, option he had was to continue descending toward Pinwheel, which implied another encounter with his acrophobia, a few more broken bones, intense pain and finally an audience with a long dead paladin.
William sniffed to get some air into his lungs and grabbed his rear to reaffirm his courage. To hell with it, he was going to fall down another damn pitfall and wreck his legs before chugging Estus like it was eggnog. Why option B? Because YOLO. That's why.
And so, without missing a beat, he pin-dropped from the crag he was standing at and slammed against the outcrop below with enough force to send dust flying. The downside was the pain that came after the badass fall. And the loud snap that occurred when he landed.
"SON'VA BIIIIIIIIII- aghh." William screamed before fainting.
It was in that moment that he realized that he probably should have just went with Option A.
There's a lot of people asking me to save Priscilla in this fic. And a few people looking for more pairings of Priscilla and the Chosen Undead. So, let me answer both questions:
1 – Yes, saving Priscilla is one of my objectives in this parody. I thank you for your support for when the time comes.
2 – I've already written a one-shot with Priscilla X Chosen Undead, called "Visitor". I'm also currently writing a main story revolving around Priscilla and a Chosen Undead, called "Kingdom Come". Whilst you wait for my next duo or trio of chapters, why not check those two out?