Isekai'd, My Posterior!
William turned back to the entrance of Quelaag's Domain and took a breath. He had the items he needed for Quelaan's recovery. Admittedly, the chances that using the Rite of Kindling and the Firekeeper soul he found to suck the blight from her body was only backed up by his immense sense of baseless hope and optimism. Then again, if Nito had managed to slap a Lord Soul in his hands when all he had done was pee and complain like a stubborn Chiwawa, he had high hopes that this would also work in a similar instance of good luck.
The only issue was that he needed a catalyst to even reach Quelaan's side. Ergo, he needed a way to defeat Quelaag's raging sister-complex boner and allow him to shove his flaming kindling down her sister's tiny throat… whilst also making Oscar look like the hero. Yeah… this was going to be difficult. He was probably also going to die in the process. Good to know.
Sucking in another breath, adjusting his leggings and spitting out his stupidity, William took a step forward. Or, he would have if Mildred hadn't suddenly grabbed him from behind in a bear hug so strong, he felt his eyeballs squeezing out of his skull.
"The hell is your problem now?" he looked down at her and she whimpered before trying to tug him back.
"Hn-nn! Hn-nn!"
The undead frowned. He expected her to not be able to speak but now that fact was working against his favor. For one, he didn't know what the hell she was saying!
"What is it? You realized that you probably have rabies?"
"What is rabies?" Oscar asked from behind them.
"A contagious pathogen transmissible via saliva causing intense hydrophobia and psychosis."
Oscar stared at him in silence for a few moments, Mildred mirroring the action and doing the same.
"Oh, dildo's and mash potatoes, it's a virus that causes craziness." William sighed.
"Oh! Why didn't you say so then?"
The Thief rolled his eyes before taking another step forward. It didn't get him very far as Mildred's grip was still stronger than a bra hook he could never undo whilst attempting to reach second base. Or was it third base? He hadn't gotten lucky since the librarian in his old high school tried to tie him up and keep him as a sex slave for the Winter. William absently rubbed his left nipple over his clothing. He swore he could still feel that crazy woman's brace-filled bitemark.
He took another step only to feel the strong arms of the phantom babe drag him back to square one.
"Aw, for shit's sake, what do you want from me?" he exclaimed, wrenching himself from her grip and folding his arms crossly. She replied by cowering under his gaze and whining like a kicked puppy.
"Why are you still here, anyway? You want to come with us or something?"
Mildred continued to complain in that gibberish she spoke. William slapped his forehead. This language barrier was starting to annoy him.
"Well even if you did, I can't carry you over the mud like some knight in shining armor. That's what Oscar's for."
"Actually, I'm finding it difficult to walk in this marshland as I am. I don't think I could handle the extra weight." Said knight in shining armor chipped in.
"There, ya' see? Even your hero can't help you. Besides, you're probably heavier than I am, so I couldn't carry you even if I wanted to."
"Now that you mention it," Oscar cut in again and William shot him a 'don't-screw-up-my-dumb-excuse' look which went completely ignored. "She seems like she's just over half your weight. I noticed it when she was busy smothering me to death." He said unhelpfully.
"Oh, is that so?"
Oscar nodded. "Indeed, it is."
William's shoulders fell. "Welp, don't say I didn't try."
Mildred gasped in shock as the black-clad Thief placed his arm on her back before tipping her over and lifting her up bridal-style. She squealed when William jostled her in his arms, looked at her sternly, and began walking toward the white mound the held a bell, a Tsundere and a bed-ridden honey in white.
He was getting tired of the delays. And waiting for the butcher chick to bugger off to her gutter would have taken up time they didn't have. It was better to just carry her there so that she couldn't hold them back. In truth, he also did have a strong urge to carry her. He didn't know why but his body had moved before his brain had. Besides, if she was so against them entering Quelaag's chamber then she would just have to be their unofficial bodyguard. But wait, he had left her cleaver on that island near the lift system. William shrugged; she would just have to use his sword as a substitute then.
"Oh," Oscar mouthed from next to him as they began to walk again, "That was rather dashing of you."
"It was either carry her or chop her hands off. She didn't have a weapon on her so the former option was the best one I could take."
"So, you mean you would have maimed her if she still had her cleaver in hand?"
"Would you refrain from killing a hollow with a spear just because it's in the form of a child?"
Oscar titled his head to the side. "I suppose not, but that isn't the same thi-"
"This chick is exactly like a kid. She can't speak the common tongue, can't understand commands and phrases besides 'kill' and 'sleep', and she eats people. I'm not gonna show her any mercy because she's female."
He said that, yet he was also aware of how cute she suddenly looked in his arms. He blinked at the thought before shaking his head. Mission first. Poon later.
The knight allowed his words to sink in whilst Mildred continued to squirm and garble out noises in his arms. He heard her make that pseudo-mewling sound from before and she began to rub her legs together as her hands covered her heart. He stared down at it with a raised brow before his head dipped toward the side of her head.
Mildred shivered as his breath fanned against her sack before his mouth opened to whisper in a soft but distinct tone of voice.
"Stop moving or I'll drop you."
She seemed to understand him and stilled immediately, her body relaxing instantly. William huffed at her willingness before her jostled her once again, getting a better grip around her strong, smooth legs before pulling her closer to himself. She rested her sack-covered head against his chest and sighed out and he chose to ignore her – paying attention to the massive mosquitos and four-legged chaos-breathing creatures still stalking about.
Oscar watched the two of them for a moment before it finally snapped into place in his mind.
"Ohhh."
"What up, Oz?" William chirped and the knight looked back at his oblivious friend.
"Nothing, really. Just admiring the hand of Fate."
"Pfft, as if Fate's hand was ever kind."
Oscar looked at him before his eyes travelled down to a content-looking Mildred bundled in his arms.
"Maybe you just haven't seen it yet."
William scoffed and they walked on. If Fate had ever been kind to him, he would have been the first to know.
They bypassed the waist-high excrement that flowed like liquid shit – wait, it was liquid shit – and Oscar did his job cutting down any nearby pests with his sword as William carried a silent Mildred through the great swamp that was Blighttown. After a few short stumbles, a dead gutter worm that was probably the size of Nito's woodpecker if he still had skin and a hop, skip and jump later; and William and co. were standing on the last island before the great white mound of petrified tentacles that served as footholds to ascend into the large hole known as Quelaag's Snat- err, he meant Domain.
"Right then." William huffed with a smile before he dropped Mildred.
"Eeep!" she shrieked and fell on her rear.
"Now that wasn't very nice of you. How could you just drop her like that, William?" Oscar scolded but he was brushed off. The Thief had more important matters to attend to than a clingy cannibal.
Mildred whined as she rose into a kneeling position, left hand gently rubbing soothing circles against her left cheek as she looked up at William accusingly.
"No, don't look at me like that. I told you before that you couldn't come along but you didn't listen and made me carry you like a child." He crossed his arms and reprimanded her. Oscar was surprised to see that instead of getting angry, she merely placed her hands in front of her before bowing her head. He blinked at how oddly that had escalated. He swore that if she had ears, she would have resembled a small puppy.
"Now then, I'm only gonna say this one more time. You. Cannot. Come." The undead said clearly, punctuating his words with obvious hand movements that she caught easily.
"Hn!" she stubbornly cocked her head to the side and William's face twitched in annoyance before he crouched down and whipped the flimsy sack off her head.
"Ahh!" she shouted and looked at William with big, round eyes. The undead was about to remark about how he hated to be ignored when the words disappeared on the tip of his tongue.
Well now… he had been expecting something. Just not this. He wasn't one for over-exaggerating but… Mildred was smoking hot!
Her small, pointed face fit well with her messy shoulder-length hair he assumed was colored chestnut – the effects of whatever invasion orb she had used seemed to block much detail out. Her cheeks were mildly plump and her lips were full, displaying dainty features he had really not expected to see on someone so wild – expect the eyebrows. Those were thick and untidy but oh so perfect on her adorable face.
William gulped. Perhaps he should have just left the sack on. Less chance of the lower brain located in his cockatoo to start thinking up a storm.
"Aha! Ehrm, like I was saying. Do not swallow- I mean follow! Do not follow us when we leave. It's too dangerous for… well, you." He cleared his throat again, trying to ignore the way his face was burning up.
Mildred regarded him for a moment before a sad look overcame her and she nodded. William's eyes widened a fraction. That had actually worked? Well he wasn't going to complain.
"Cool. Cool." He nodded – more to himself than anyone else – and stood up "Now then, go back home please."
Mildred's shoulders sagged as she stood. She didn't want to leave. Heck, she hadn't even wanted him to stop carrying her like she was the most important thing in the world. But she couldn't open her mouth and tell him that she would be able to manage on her own. She couldn't tell him that she could fight pretty well or that she was sturdier than he thought.
And it wasn't because of how his words made her listen! No, as much as she wanted to hang on everything he said and obliged to anything he asked, she still had the power to refrain from his requests… at least she thought she did.
The reason why she couldn't argue her point was just that, she didn't know how to argue, or explain, or speak about her many talents. Because she was still quite primitive, she knew that. How could she not when both her siblings could speak whilst she couldn't?
And she hated to admit it, but in his eyes, he most likely saw her as baggage – a weight he couldn't pull because of the danger he and his shiny friend would face. Yes, she knew of the danger they were heading to, she had seen what lie within that big nest. It was a scary, terrifying monster not even she could hope to best on her own.
So, she would listen to him. She didn't quite understand what he was saying, but the hand movements and the way he did his best to explain to her got his point across. He wanted her to go home. So, she would. But that didn't mean she would never see him again! No, she would see him again, she just had to! Because… because… she wanted to know what this feeling in her chest was when she saw him. And maybe after that, he could also show her why her thighs were getting so wet when he touched her…
Mildred held back a moan from escaping her lips as she withdrew a black crystal from between her breasts. She would listen to him, an undead she had only met now. But soon she would return, and when she did, they would be able to talk. Like all the other undead. She promised him that.
The butcher woman crushed the crystal in her hand, and disappeared almost immediately, a swirling vortex of black sucking up her delicious form from his roving eyes. William almost felt bad for himself now that she was gone. Perhaps he should have allowed her to stay. She was the perfect eye-candy to look at whilst he tried to forget the bane of Oscar's crotch sweat that permeated around the room worse than week old tissues containing more than one horny idiot's wet dreams.
"Ah, don't feel bad," said crotch-sweater placed a gauntlet on his shoulder, "you'll see her again. I'm sure of it."
"Hmph, you make it sound like I was attached to her or something." William tried to play it cool.
"Of course," he received another pat on the back, "perhaps I was mistaken then."
"That you were," William replied, rolling his shoulders and letting his ass whistle in the stale breeze. "Now let's get to bell wringing."
That was right, they had a bell to ring, and a Spider Waifu to ogle. If only they had a catalyst to get the ball rolling. William rounded the next corner of the impressive pillar of stone that had yet to have its pure alabaster sheen scraped off from the stench of this putrid pus sore.
Quelana was what they needed. The Mother of Pyromancy and eldest daughter of the Witch of Izalith who has not been seen since the birth of the Bed of Chaos. Indeed, if they had her on their side, her role would be most beneficial. The pivotal factor in getting Quelaag to regain any lost senses she would have lost since going half demonic.
And if this world was true to it word and still kept each NPC in their respective areas, then when he turned the next corner, his eyes would find tiny pale feet that belonged to a slim woman in black robes with gold trimming.
Imagine William's shock when he did turn the next corner only to find an empty space.
"Cheese and sprinkles, we're screwed." He stared to worry. She wasn't there. Which meant she must have moved somewhere. Which also meant they didn't have their catalyst. And if they didn't have their catalyst, then William wouldn't be able to fondle a submissive Fair Lady all in the name of science. And if that happened, then he would-
Wait…
The undead back-tracked toward where Quelana should have been and humming in thought. Was she really gone? Because he was sure there was a reason why you couldn't see her at first glance. It Had something to do with something, he was sure of it. He needed something first, an item in order to see here. And that item needed to be at a certain level before she was visible. What was it?
Oscar sat down to rest, flicking crap from his clothing as William paced around in a circle, wracking his brain to remember the finer details he knew he had done through hundreds of times before. After more thinking and accidentally stubbing his toe on a rock spontaneously placed in front of him, his eyes sparkled in realization.
The Pyromancy Glove!
That was right, he needed to pump that baby up to level ten or higher before he could see Quelana. His excitement dropped like a stone in a lake when he realized one very important fact: he hadn't saved Laurentius yet, so he didn't have a Pyromancy Glove.
His eyes went back to the empty space she should have been sitting at. Well, the reason one couldn't find her was because she had this badass cloaking field around her that only high level Pyromancer's could see through. However, that just meant she was in hiding. Not that she was intangible too. With that being said, how ever would he manage to find her?
"Hey, Oscar. What do you think we'll find once we go in there?" He asked, pointing to Quelaag's Domain.
"Well, from what I know of Lordran's geography, this used to be the city next to Lost Izalith."
"Wait, seriously?" William acted surprised. And he had a reason to be mildly astounded. He hadn't known Oscar to be that knowledgeable.
The knight nodded. "Indeed. And from what most people in my homeland speculate, there's apparently a guardian before the Bell- oh, Bell's of Awakening, I mean."
William placed a finger to his chin in thought before nodding to himself. "In that case, Imma take a leak before we leave. Don't want a repeat of last time."
"Good idea." Oscar said and watched him round the corner.
William wasted no time in unbuckling the belt around his waist before beginning to tug down the tight leather around his thighs. He waited a moment to see if there would be any interference from a Milf in hiding.
Unfortunately, there was none.
William huffed. Well, it was worth a shot. He would just have to bullshit Quelaag once they entered her home and bait her into chasing him around whilst he made Oscar sprint for the bell. In that time, he could unleash a nugget of game knowledge to the red-haired beauty and show her how he was going to save her sister. It would be pretty risky to do but what other choice did he have?
Not wanting to think about the consequences of such an action, William whipped himself out of his pants, aimed and prepared to shoot when-
"No, stop! Please!" Quelana shouted, jumping out of her cloaking shield with the biggest blush on her pale face.
"Gah, son of a- where the hell did you come from?!" the Thief exclaimed, turning around and firing.
"William, what's the matter?!" Oscar shouted from the other side of pillar and dashed into sight, his uncovered face falling on Quelana, then him, and then his miniature him.
"Well now, you're going to make your future wife very happy one day." He said confidently, nodding his head with pride.
"Stop looking at it, you bloody pervert!" William shouted before giving him a shove.
Inside, however, he was grinning like a Cheshire cat. Firstly, because he had been complimented so well from his companion. Secondly, because his ploy had paid off. And now they had the Milf of Pyromancy in their party! Well, not yet, but you got the general idea.
William never had a reason to praise his own girth that much until today.
Now that I've written it out, MildredXWilliam doesn't sound as bad as I thought it would. But nothing's set in stone, this is just the beginning after all. And we still have two more Izalith babes, a pair of Firekeeper's, a cocky priestess, an illusionary goddess with oversized melons with enough junk in the trunk to end world hunger, a trap god (which I could just make a girl), a helpless princess, one smoking hot self-taught sorcerer and a dragolicious CROSSBREED to choose from. So… I'll let you guys decide in the comments or something. Let me know if I left out any Dark Souls honnies.