Isekai'd, My Posterior!
Guess who's back? Dun-dun-dun. Back again?
Yeah, anyway, thank you for all the wonderful reviews. It really gave me some stellar ideas to use. And how could my big brain forget to mention the Onion babe, Sieglinde and the Assassin Queen, Ciaran?! Man, what is up with me lately?
Let me just point out that this will not be a Harem fic. As tempting as it is, I don't think William can handle more than one girl… maybe two. The real reason why this isn't going to be a harem is due to the same reason I don't write lemons: simply put, I. Suck. At. Writing. Harems.
However, this completely fem Gwyndolin idea has me thinking up a storm with regards to the humor, plot and William's interaction with a god that I honestly believe to be extremely OP. If you don't agree, read my other fic, Kingdom Come, chapter's 19 and 20. You'll understand my reasoning there.
Quelana sighed out as she dreamt of the mystical. It was amazing how her mind, boggled with so much knowledge and fear could just as easily churn out fantasies of great beings possessing even greater power, that resided in the greatest of kingdoms – wearing more than just their hearts on their sleeves.
She mumbled to herself as she turned over in the soft piece of land she had called home for nearly an eternity, rubbing an itch on her face with the back of her hand before delving back into the soothing depths of her imagination.
It was quite different from the wonders the real world offered, she would admit, but she still found an odd sense of calm when she slept. As if the terrors of her past – which were more numerous than the stars – seemed to simply vanish as the whimsical and confusing became her wonderland of reality.
Here, she could go back to the times her and her sisters used to frolic about as children under the warm gaze of her beloved mother. In here, she could bring back those happy times in Lordran when the younglings of human cities would gawk in amazement at her budding control over an art that would eventually be called heretical. In here, the days where Salaman kept her company as they spoke of distant futures yet to come could bring back that bright smile to her un-ageing face, like the shining star of Carina in the North.
And whilst she dreamt of all these happy times, her mind would also dabble in the countless possibilities and maybe's she had once had the chance to act on but relented. Like that time she had had the chance to kiss a curious and deviously handsome Salaman in that old hostel after drinking too much cheap wine.
A lascivious grin replaced her usual quaint smile as she turned over onto her back, imagining her students broad chest pressing against her own, the dream version of him leaning forward to press those red lips of his on her exposed neck. Quelana shivered, drool leaking out of her mouth as she dreamt of tearing his clothes off, exposing the strong man underneath that shy persona he wore every damned day.
She was sick of it, annoyed that he held such control over his emotions when she knew he wanted her as much as she wanted him. Tonight, would be different, she promised herself as his hands felt her up. Tonight, she would dabble in his imprisoned desire and bask in his regret the next morning only to claim his sober self for her own. And by the way he seemed to be grinding himself against her unclothed pelvis, it seemed like he wanted the same.
She grinned and grabbed his head for a hot kiss. Dream or not, she was going to enjoy him.
"Mmm," she mumbled, her mind creating images of the Pyromancer as he suddenly stood, his light brown eyes pinning her to the hard bed they shared. Her breathing quickened as he began to unbuckle his trousers.
Yes. This was the moment she had been waiting for. Her lucid dreams had never allowed her to get this far before. But she would be damned if she allowed it to slip when she was this close to experiencing euphoria.
Salaman gave her an intoxicated smile as he dropped his pants, his manhood straining against the fabric of his undergarment. Quelana flushed red. This was it, the moment she had been waiting for. The excitement was making her dream-self woozy, but she held on, laying back on the bed before spreading her legs. Salaman's breath caught in his throat and she struggled to pull off the last scrap of clothing.
She breathed out heavily. That's it. Just a few more seconds. A few agonizing seconds and she would see-
"-ase, Imma take a leak before we leave. Don't want a repeat of last time." Somebody said as she blinked at the vast swamp before her.
"Good idea." Another person replied before she registered a shadow towering over her form.
What? What happened?
She shook her head. Why did the dream suddenly end? She had been right in the middle of experiencing something amazing. She huffed and brought a hand down to her inner thigh, feeling the wetness she had created whilst fantasizing before a frustrated frown overcame her soft features. Why did her dreams of ecstasy always have to end so spontaneously?!
A rustling from above snapped her out of her anger and she looked up, only to grow pale as the undead standing three feet in front of her dropped the leather leggings from his hips, freeing his member from its tight confines.
The air left her lungs as her face grew hotter than chaos fire and she reached an epiphany.
Virgins didn't know what it was like to experience such plateaus of pleasure. With that in mind, how would their brains be able to replicate such sensations, let alone such sights in the first place?
And so, in the face of seeing the previously unknown, Quelana did the only thing that she thought was possible in that moment: she screamed.
"No, stop! Please!" Quelana shouted, jumping out of her cloaking shield with the biggest blush on her pale face.
"Gah, son of a- where the hell did you come from?!" the Thief exclaimed, turning around and firing.
"William, what's the matter?!" Oscar shouted from the other side of pillar and dashed into sight, his uncovered face falling on Quelana, then him, and then his miniature him.
"Well now, you're going to make your future wife very happy one day." He said confidently, nodding his head with pride.
"Stop looking at it, you bloody pervert!" William shouted before giving him a shove.
Oscar gave him another smirk. Quelana covered her flustered face. And William stood there wondering why the hell the Chaos Sister had waited until he had laid himself out bare.
"Wow, you're really going at it." The knight quipped, suddenly next to him. "Just how much Estus did you drink on the way here?"
"Bullocks and brandy! Could you please stop watching me urinate? I'm finding it extremely awkward as it is!"
The three of them stood in another bout of uncomfortable silence, the only sound filling the air being William shooting a stream of Estus-colored liquid into a dung pie not far from here.
"So…" the Thief said awkwardly, his back still turned to them. "nice day for a stroll, isn't it?"
The reply he got back was a boulder that crashed against the pillar near to them.
"Sargent Suck-me-off, what the hell is it now?!" William shouted, re-dressing and watching as the Lizardmen stationed at the foot of Quelaag's hill began chucking rocks at them.
"They must have grown irate from the invasion of your scent," Quelana said quickly, grabbing them both by the arm and tugging them back. "They think you're marking your territory."
William and Oscar stared at her before turning back to the huddle of obese lizards coming their way.
"Well, in any case, we should run." The knight proclaimed, drawing his shield.
William grabbed the back of his shoulders and pulled Quelana along. "Lead the way."
"Where to?" the Astorian asked, blocking the shattered remains of a broken boulder from slamming into his skull. The undead behind him pointed to the hole in the mound.
"Dead ahead."
"Right then. Let's go!"
"Wait!"
Both undead turned back to see their black-robed newcomer adamant. William rolled his eyes. They didn't have time for this. Her fear of her mutated sister would have to wait.
"Shouldn't you two fight them back?" she quirked and the silver-haired undead felt an urge to leave her there.
"I don't know if you've noticed, missy, but there's a dozen lizards coming toward us. Two men with blessed swords, good bows and half-decent armor ain't gonna cut it."
"But you're both undead." She pointed out.
"And your right hand is glowing, which means you're a Pyromancer. Why don't you do something to help?"
Quelana bowed her head under his glare. "I cannot harm living creatures with my power."
"Then to the white hole we go!"
Quelana squeaked as she was hoisted up and slung over William's shoulder like a sack of potatoes before he and Oscar darted off.
"Hurry William, we might not make it." Oscar shouted, shield up and sprinting for his life.
"I'm on your six!" the undead replied and began to run. Only for his poor stamina to get the better of him. William panted after reaching the halfway point between the oncoming lizards and the entrance to Quelaag's before he growled in irritation.
"Damn it woman, you're heavy!"
"Is that any way to speak to a lady?!" Quelana shouted back as she watched the Lizardmen gaining on their heels.
"I would pay you the courtesy but we're being chased down by a dozen angry Lizards with gout and boulders! Besides that, I'm just stating a fact!"
"Well it's your fault for relieving yourself out in the open. What were you thinking?!"
"No, what were you thinking when you waited until I disrobed only to jump out of that invisibility spell you made? You could have warned me in advance but instead you wanted to be a pervert and peek!"
"Oh, I was asleep when that happened! And I only woke up when you fished it out!" Quelana was blushing furiously. Despite the ridiculousness of the situation, she was still flustered at seeing that part of a man so casually.
"Well it doesn't matter now," William muttered, fixing the Chaos Sister on his shoulder before beginning to climb the white mound. "If we don't make it to that hole in time, we'll never be able to end this pointless argument."
"Then pick up the pace!" Quelana shot.
"I would if you weren't so heavy!"
"Its not my fault I have big breasts!"
"Then would you at least delay them? You are a Pyromancer."
"I told you I can't hurt people with my magic!"
"I never said hurt them!" William growled before slapping her hard on the ass.
"OW! What was that for?!"
"For you to whip out that flame and use it, create a damn smoke-screen for our escape!" he roared, forcing his crying muscles to work overtime.
Quelana heeded his advice and summoned a small ball of flame in her hand before flinging it behind them.
William felt heat lick his back before he jumped over a white branch and flung Quelana into the hole with the last of his energy. She squealed in alarm as she bounced against the soft web coating the floor before the Thief dived in, throwing an arm around her and pulling her close.
"Wh-What in Gwyn's name are you doing?!"
"The projectile you threw had too much juice in it! Take cover!"
Her eyes widened and he hugged her tight as a loud boom sounded. They felt the floor rumble before a torrent of flames washed over the entrance.
"Woah! Hot damn, son'va simp bitch, that burns! OOH!"
Quelana watched William's face at it went through six different shapes of pain before he finally settled on grimacing as the heatwaves subsided. He let go of her and she adjusted her position to rest on her knees. The undead in front of here merely reached a hand behind his back to gaze at the singed ends of his luscious silver hair.
"Aww man," he whined, dropped the locks in his hand and snatched his Estus flask up to take a long drink.
"I cannot thank you enough for protecting me from my flames." she said in that soft tone William knew her to carry. It was just as pleasant as he remembered – her being the cause of his third degree burns aside. "They have a tendency to grow quite intense and uncontrollable. But I suppose that's due to the inactive use of my magic in the last few years." William grunted that he had heard as she lowered her cowl. He watched in mild interest as a waterfall of white descended to frame her soft cheeks. The color had this 'old witch' vibe to it but didn't make her look the least bit elderly. In truth, it reminded him of Priscilla somewhat.
"If there is any way I can repay you," she combed a hand through her hair in thought, "then please. Name it."
William blinked.
"Any way, you say?"
"Yes, anything at all."
"Well great," he said and slapped his knee before standing up. "You can be the one to calm down the guardian of the second Bell not far from here."
The millennium-and-something-old woman that didn't look a day over twenty stared at him as if she had just experienced what the term 'going down on' meant.
"Say, what's your name?" the Thief asked, patting off the black soot from his scorched vestments only to find out that his entire spine was now showing. He frowned for a moment before smiling. At least now he had a reason to try on that Crimson Sealer Robe – even if it had once belonged to a woman. That reminded him, how in the Sam Hell was it possible for every item of clothing in this dilapidated sphere to fit him so perfectly and to specification. He had been hoping that screwed up game mechanic would be tinkered somewhat to at least allow him to understand it logically. But unfortunately, he reminded himself that this was still Dark Souls. Nothing made sense because everything was meant to be ambiguous.
"Thanks Obama," William chuckled to himself silently at the inside joke.
"No, I am Quelana."
The undead blinked and turned back to the Pyromancer in front of him. That was right, he had company. This wasn't the time for Dark Souls memes, not matter how appropriate it seemed for the situation.
"Err, right. Nice to meet you. You've already heard my comrade call me by my name but for courtesy's sake, I am William." He gazed at her sleeve that seemed mildly darker than the rest of her clothing – added with the fact that her hand was quite literally ruby red from a close burn. "And your hand is injured. Let me take a look real quick."
He dropped down again and took her wrist gently in his hand, ignoring her kind refusal. He may have been a pompous prick without a pompadour both periodically and perpetually but that didn't mean he would sit back and leave someone in obvious pain.
He stopped and thought about what he had just thought about for a moment.
Well… maybe he would leave most people behind to suffer in agony. Just not all of them. Yeah, that sounded less hypocritical and a little more like a douchebag. Just the way he liked it.
"Seems my body wasn't large enough to cover you from the blast." He mentioned and reached a hand into one of his pouches to retrieve a thin vial of healing ointment. It had been quite strange the first time he had done a physical check on his person to discover that the various pockets, pouches and spaces dotting his thief apparel were filled with an interesting assortment of objects; from first-aid supplies to simple trinkets like an A5 diary, a middle-aged pencil that stained everything with lead and – to his astonishment – a ball gag. He really didn't want to know why that was there, he was just grateful there were some thing's he could use.
"It's quite alright, really. There's no need to see to my injuries." She said, trying to fight against his invading fingers as they pried her hand open.
"And why is that? You a masochist or something?"
Quelana looked up at him in shock before shaking her head vigorously.
"Of course not! I just wanted to tell you that I-"
He poured a light amount of ointment onto her hand that was indeed quite soothing, but all the same unnecessary as the redness around her knuckles and nails immediately began to heal – leaving William to stare at a glistening, slender white hand.
"-am naturally immune to flame." She ended her sentence with a hint of guilt. She had been too slow to explain. Again.
William deadpanned and flicked his eyes up to stare at her. The Izalith survivor flashed him an embarrassed smile, pink tinting the bridge of her nose.
"You mean to tell me that you were fire-proof this whole time?"
"Uh… yes."
"Those flames ate away half of my goddamn tunic. And now you tell me that I didn't need to shield you at all? Are you freaking serious?" William's tone grew an octave higher, amplifying both his irritation and shock.
"I am truly sorry for not telling you sooner." She turned her head to the side to safe herself further shame.
"Why didn't you say so sooner, then? I could have used you as a bloody human shield and saved myself the trouble of looking like a dumbass knight in shining armor."
"Y-Yes, well you are correc- wait. What was it you were saying?"
She frowned in confusion. There was no way he was implying that he would have used her like a buffer for her rampant flames if he knew her immunity… right?
"Oh, don't act like you didn't hear me. I'm standing right next to you, remember." He emphasized his point by measuring the distance between them with his hand. Her forehead gained a tick in response.
Yep, she had definitely heard right.
"Okay, what kind of Chosen Undead even thinks like that?"
"Well, let's see," William replied with a finger to his chin as he pretended to think, thoroughly annoying Quelana even more. "Oh yeah. The kind of undead that doesn't want to die, for starters. And additionally, I am not the Chosen Undead. My peeping plate-mailed friend is."
She glared at his selfish answer before rounding on him. "At least he has the right attitude in mind, and a better respect for the fairer sex. Tell me, do you even know the proper etiquette to adopt when around a lady?"
William rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Well of course I know how to the treat a lady. It's just that at this very moment, I don't really see any proper ladies to begin with."
Quelana's mouth opened in indignation before she stood to her feet and kicked him in the shin. The result ended in her flinching as her bare toes bent backwards against his sturdy boots and her hands immediately went to her throbbing foot.
"Uh-huh, an excellent example of a proper lady." William quirked with a mutter only to receive a glare from her that had him shaking his head at. This childish woman was meant to be the founder of Pyromancy?
"Stupid uncouth thief." She whispered under her breath.
"Perverted peeping-tom." William voiced back loudly to see the witch stomp her good foot against the floor.
"Oh for Gwyn's sake, I am not a pervert!"
"Then why the hell did you wait until I was out in the open?!"
"Because, for the last time, I was asleep!"
"Bullshit! What idiot falls asleep in a dumpster like Blighttown when there's at least half a dozen life-sized mosquitos about, ready to shoot their life juice onto you from head to toe?"
"Don't say it like that, you make it sound so lewd!" Quelana shouted at him, getting into his personal bubble.
"The fact that you even know how to imagine that as lewd just proves my theory that you're a creepy-ass, perverted Milf."
Quelana flushed red and slapped his arm.
"I am not a Milf."
"Pfft! That's exactly what a Milf would say."
"Oh yeah? Where's your proof then?"
William folded his arms and gazed at her. "How do you even know what the word 'Milf' means?"
She opened her mouth and closed it like a fish out of water before William grinned and stood up taller.
"See, you're definitely a Milf."
"I am not a Milf!" Quelana screamed at the top of her lungs.
"Oh yeah? Where's your proof?"
"Because I haven't lost my virginity yet!"
Silence reigned between the two of them as William turned to his head to stare out at the area they had just cleared whilst Quelana opted to burn a hole at the tunnel leading further into the webbed domain – her face a color of scarlet rivalling her chaos fire.
Needless to say, there was literally nothing more that needed to be said between them.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"William. William! Willi- ah! William, there you are." Oscar said exuberantly as he suddenly appeared a bit further down the tunnel, his visor up and a smile on his usually annoying face that was actually really quite appreciated this time around.
"Oh. Hey there Oscar." The undead intoned with a nod as the Astorian headed their way. "Where'd you disappear to?"
"I went to search the area. There's quite a lot of strange creatures dotted around the pathway – mutated humans with these odd webs covering their backs like orbs."
"Eggs." William corrected and Quelana's eyes widened a fraction at the news. "Or at least I assume they're eggs."
Oscar titled his head to the side. "How can you be sure?"
"Look at the walls and ceiling," he gestured around them, "place is covered in them. Makes you wonder just what's living down here, doesn't it?"
The knight tapped the hilt of his sword in thought before flicking down his visor and turning to them quickly, as if just remembering to tell them something important.
"That reminds me, I discovered another fog wall."
Quelana stiffened at the implication as William lifted an eyebrow. "Did you go through it?"
"Of course not. How would I have been able to return if I did?"
"You could have just stuck your head through and taken a look." William mused before rolling his shoulders. Whether the wacky idea would have worked or left Oscar a struggling mess with his head stuck in the boss room was anyone's guess. Quite frankly, William just wanted to see if the latter happened so that he could laugh his ass off.
"In any case, we might as well head through it. The Bell must be close if that wall is erected."
Oscar nodded and they began to move deeper into the tunnel before he suddenly stopped and turned to a quietly following Quelana walking next to William.
"Uhm, William." He started.
"Yes, Oscar?" the undead answered.
"Why are we bringing this maiden with us? Surely the guardian of the Bell will be ferocious enough. Do we necessarily need to risk her life as well, Pyromancer or no?"
"We're bringing her along because she's a Pyromancer." William grinned. Quelana offered the knight a grateful smile before carrying on along the winding tunnel. "And if the name she gave me is her real one, then she's exactly the Pyromancer we need to get to our destination."
The knight frowned behind his helmet before his silver haired companion began to speak again. Oscar looked up at him only to frown deeper when he saw that his friends entire back was visible, as if something had burnt the leather right off – something extremely hot.
"Have you ever heard of the Mother of Pyromancy?"
The Astorian blinked and thought for a moment whilst Quelana looked at the silver-haired undead, a sliver of surprise coming over her features at his range of knowledge. She kept her mouth shut as she waited for him to speak – all the while thinking that maybe he wasn't a complete fool after all.
"That would be one of the Witch of Izalith's seven daughters. Her firstborn. And if I'm not mistaken, her name was… Quelana?"
William nodded sagely and waited for his normally dense friend to catch the obvious hint as they stopped at the imposing fog wall filled with a mixture of clouds, smoke wisps and carbon monoxide. He breathed in deeply, a shiver running down his spine as he prepared for what was to come.
"Spider Waifu's, here I come."
Don't fret. I will post two, maybe three more chapters soon to keep this train going. I was just busy since my old man decided to pay me a visit for a few days. And besides that, I've been playing the newly released Huniepop 2. Damn, those Nymphojinn are difficult to defeat.