Subaru's eyes darted around his surroundings. He realized this wasn't the outside of Echidna's tomb.
Even if it wasn't the tomb, he knew this place. Which might have felt odd, but now… he knew this place, that was all there was to it.
His eyes scanned the familiar darkness and shadow surrounded him.
He didn't listen, he didn't feel around, and he didn't speak. For there would have been no point to any of those actions.
After all, in this place he knew, all he had were eyes. With them he could see this place of shadows, and the presences within.
One of them was trying to speak with him, but he ignored them. If he wanted he could have let the words pierce his soul, and hear them without his ears, but he didn't.
Because right now all he wanted to do was focus on the other presence. He could see them, finally, in all their beauty.
Their beautiful silver hair he wished to be able to run his hands through.
The glittering violet eyes he met and stared into.
But in opposition to his normal feelings here… he didn't feel the fluttering in his chest he once might have.
She brushed her lips against his ear and spoke.
Even though he didn't have ears, he let the words reach into his existence.
"I love you."
Subaru let those three little words caress him. Let them wash away the pain he'd experienced before coming here. But in the memory of pain Subaru recalled something else. This woman before him, he didn't feel for her as he once might have.
He turned his eyes down toward the other presence.
He shied back from their ratty brown hair, but looking down at them he felt something they had in common.
Subaru let the presence's words reach him.
"We love you! Gourmet. Gourmet. We love you and Ram. You are both Gourmet. Ram…"
After that, he pushed the boy away, turning his focus back to the woman.
Once more he let her words reach him.
"I love you."
Subaru used his soul to reach out and touch hers, then, he left her his own words.
"I'm sorry, but I think I love someone else..."
He closed his eyes and exited the garden of shadows. His consciousness returned to the world. At the same time, his memories of the place disappeared.
Then his pain returned in full.
Subaru collapsed to his knees, he forced himself to hold in a scream.
Where am I?
He slammed his head forward into the stone wall of Echidna's tomb. The feeling was so much more bearable than the memory of his pain.
But it was hard for him to focus on a feeling so minor, so minuscule, so tame in comparison.
It hurts.
He bashed his head forward again, spraying blood everywhere.
It hurts.
Again he jammed his head into the stone. He paid no heed to his skull cracking.
Why does it hurt so much?
Tears streamed down his face and he busted his skull open on the stone.
He pulled his head back and tried to bring it forward once more.
Ram, why?
But before he could break his head open any further, arms wrapped around his collar.
"Barusu, stop," Ram's voice was commanding, yet pleading.
Capella stood over him, and rubbed his cheek with a soft touch, "Ah… no. No, no, stop, Capella, Capella, stop, please no more!"
His mouth hung open while he tried to force himself back.
"Barusu," Ram's voice was warm. It was so fake.
Ram why?
Subaru reached his arms up and grabbed onto Ram's.
"It's alright, Barusu," She told him.
"Remember who did this to you."
A sob fell from Subaru's throat, then he snapped his head into Ram's nose.
The woman's grip fell away from him in shock, and he clung onto one of the cracks in the stone in front of him.
He pulled himself forward, trying to get away from her in his desperation. The pain of his nails tearing off as he flung himself forward was of no concern to him.
"Barusu…"
Subaru didn't listen, instead, he quested forward with his other hand, dragging himself further. He moved anywhere he could go. The most available place being the trial room.
Emilia's legs moved from his path as he pulled himself toward the room.
"You ain't getting any further," Garfiel said.
The demi-human's foot appeared in his vision, then black flecks exploded out, covering the world.
Garfiel's kick flipped him from his front and onto his back. A moment later, Rem stepped over him.
"It's going to be alright Subaru-kun, just rest for now," Rem whispered. She stared down at him with vibrant blue eyes.
She brought her palm down, closing his eyes. Her hands were so warm on his eyelids.
Subaru didn't resist her touch or the dark embrace of sleep.
"I choose Subaru." Four voices burned in his mind. Subaru struggled, trying to move his arms, but chains wrapped them up at his side.
"Remember who did this to you."
A woman touched her pale fingers to his face, and a perverted smile rose on her face. Her lips tilted higher as she dug her nails into his chest.
Pain exploded out within him, or at least a memory of it.
Subaru pulled himself away from the woman, but four sets of hands held him down.
His eyes jumped around, and he tried to move, but the hands of a clown held his legs in place. He attempted to sit up, but a young demi-human held his abdomen.
It hurts. It hurts. Why?
He wanted to scream out, but a half-elf held his mouth shut.
Please, it hurts. It hurts.
Subaru tried to move his neck, but a pink-haired oni held his head in her lap and kept him in place. Where once that lap would have brought comfort, now it only accentuated his agony.
It hurts. It- It hurts. Isn't- It hurts. Their- It hurts so much. Fault… but why does it have to hurt so much.
It hurts. It was- Why?
An impossible situation…
It hurts so much, and she's right… if they really cared they would be able to do what I did.
Unless-
Please it hurts let me out. It hurts. It hurts. Why? Why does it have to hurt so much?
The memories continued to grow stronger and stronger. Until they consumed Subaru to the point where the nightmare consumed all thought.
It was a long time before his eyes opened again.
"Subaru-kun?"
The boy Rem had called out to lifted his eyelids and stared up at the ceiling.
He pulled air into his lungs, confirming he was alive, bringing feeling back into him. Then he took in his environment.
I don't know that ceiling, but it's familiar.
The wooden ceiling of one of Sanctuary's cabins was something he recognized in an instant. Though he'd never woken up to this specific ceiling or maybe he had woken up here. At least once in all those endless loops… He couldn't quite remember. And to go along with that he couldn't be bothered to separate the memories from one another.
"Subaru-kun?" A soft voice whispered down to him.
"Rem?" Subaru identified the girl, then swiveled his head back and forth. He needed to get more information on his exact location.
"Relax, Subaru-kun, it's alright. We brought you to Emilia's cabin," She said.
Taking in those words he finally realized he was laying on the floor with a bedroll beneath him.
Then he looked to the actual bed where Emilia was sleeping after her first trial.
"Why'd you bring me here?" He asked Rem.
Rem thought about his question for a second before speaking, "We needed a way to keep an eye on you…"
Subaru's heart twisted in regret from the memory of last night. He reached toward his right hand under his covers.
With a silent sob, he rubbed the spot where he'd torn his nails off. Someone had, for the most part, healed the wound. The bleeding was gone, but he still had no nails. So he dug the nails on his left hand into his exposed nail beds.
A bit of fear touched his heart as some blood seeped from the new wounds. Though he felt no pain.
It wasn't their fault.
He looked back at Rem, who was still full of hesitance and said, "Don't worry about it, Rem. I was acting oddly, it's only my fault…"
Rem nodded at his words, not noticing the shakiness and hesitance in them.
"Like Re-I said we needed a way to keep an eye on you after last night, and Emilia-sama didn't want to let you out of her sight. She stayed awake for as long as she could, and healed your fingers."
"R-Right," Subaru nodded and forced down the anguish in his chest.
"You can go back to sleep if you want, Subaru-kun," Rem whispered.
Subaru's mind caught onto her words.
If I sleep, then who's going to stop Capella?
He continued to think about it for a while.
A recalled sensation rushed through him. Excruciating agony gripped his mind, and tears welled up in his eyes. He kept them at bay while he forced himself to stand.
"Subaru-kun, where are you going?" Rem asked as he stepped toward the door.
He hesitated for a second, then left the room without answering.
"Remember who did this to you?"
When he stepped into the hallway chills ran over him, and he caught Capella in the corner of his eye. He looked a little closer and saw nothing. But even that assurance couldn't stop the agonizing memories from returning.
His legs trembled as he stepped out into the sunlight.
He didn't blink or let his eyes get used to the sun, but it wouldn't have mattered if he had.
The sun wasn't very bright today.
Where am I going? No answer to that question came into his mind as he walked a few meters away from Emilia's cabin without aim.
Until he saw a pink-haired maid step out behind him.
"Barusu?" Concern suffused Ram's voice as she closed the distance between them.
Subaru dropped his eyes to the ground and walked in the other direction.
"Remember who caused this."
It hurts.
Stop walking, it's Ram, I need to stop walking… it's Ram.
"Remember who caused this."
The throbbing pain ran along Subaru's body and he continued to walk away from Ram.
"Barusu, where are you going?"
"I choose, Natsuki Subaru…" The same voice said within his mind.
Subaru forced his eyes shut, keeping the tears back, "I got some odd information and I need to go confirm it."
Ram nodded, "Alright… Barusu."
"I choose, Natsuki Subaru…"
It took great effort to hold his body steady, and not run away from Ram's dull eyes.
He shut his eyelids, using only spirits to navigate. With their guidance, he stepped through the forest.
"Time for this lovely lady to have some fun," Capella whispered.
Sobs fell from his throat while he continued his aimless walk.
After a while though, he stopped outside of a small building. When walked in, and a soft whir met him.
His mind ran wild as he pulled himself into a fetal position. A control panel that he remembered from long ago pressed against his back.
Subaru let the hum of a massive crystal overtake him, and relaxed his body. Though he didn't fall asleep… he could barely handle his memories. He didn't want to deal with nightmares.
More sobs fell from the boy as he kept his eyes shut and took comfort in his solitude.
"Bishop Petelguese Romanee-Conti. Happy travels."
"Fortuna-sama!"
"Lia. You big cry baby. I love you sooo much…"
"Ah…" Emilia yelped as she opened her eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling above her, "Why did Echidna say that was my past…?" Her voice trembled as the memories from her trial filled her mind.
A blonde-haired elf dying to protect her.
An ethereal pale girl.
An ordinary man whose face she couldn't quite picture.
A green-haired fathe-
"Guese…" The name slipped from her throat, then disappeared in her mind.
No, he was a green-haired man, just a man.
A scary-eyed but warm woman.
Emilia's eyes filled with tears and she started to quiver in her bed.
"Puck?" She reached toward where her father was still in the crystal on her neck, "Puck please, I need you…"
Her father offered no response.
"Puck you liar…"
Her tears fell into her lap as she held back her sobs.
"Emilia-sama?" Rem opened the door and walked into the room.
"Rem…" Emilia looked up to her, "Can you just call me Emilia, please…"
"Alright, Emilia."
"Thank you, Rem," Emilia said.
The two women sat in silence until the images and voices crept up on Emilia once more. The silver-haired girl searched for something to keep her occupied, "Hey Rem, is Subaru awake yet?"
The maid's eyes flicked to the door, "Yes. He woke up a while ago and left. Sister says it has something to do with some plan of his."
"Subaru…?" The girl peeked over her bed. Rem had told the truth, he wasn't there.
She reached back into her memories to what had happened after the trial.
Subaru had collapsed into immense pain after only a few moments. He'd hit his head on the stone over and over again. After a few seconds, Ram stopped him. Then when she'd restrained him he'd headbutted her and crawled toward Emilia herself.
"Something happened to Subaru," Emilia said.
She wanted concern to immediately rush through her, but she remembered his betrayal. He hadn't believed in her... though maybe that wasn't his fault.
He'd looked so hurt. Concern finally rose for him. Then it turned to guilt.
But maybe I'm wrong… I shouldn't get involved, I'll just make it worse.
She remembered how Subaru had never once smiled when she was around. No doubt it was because of her.
I'll make it worse. I'm only going to be a burden. I couldn't even pass the trial. She remembered the look in Subaru's eyes as he pulled himself forward and ripped off his nails.
He looked so hurt. I can't do nothing though, right? The tears leaking from Subaru's eyes pushed her out of her bed despite her doubts.
Her legs shook as she pushed herself through the hallway to get changed.
"Emilia, where are you going?" Rem followed her.
"I-I… want to do something to help Subaru…" She froze and let her violet eyes fall to her feet, "Actually I'll just be a burden."
She second-guessed her decision and started to move back to her room. But Rem put her hand on Emilia's shoulder before she could do that.
"Emilia, shut up," Rem shoved the silver-haired girl onto the ground.
"Rem?" She asked as a bit of pain shot through her back.
"That's what Subaru-kun did when I was convincing myself I was only a burden," Rem said, "No one thinks you'll only make everything worse."
"Rem?" Emilia shied away from the girl, "But I'll…"
"Are you really going to ignore Subaru-kun when he needs help?" Rem stretched out her hand.
Emilia's eyes stared at Rem's outreached hand, "I'll just be a burden…"
"You know Emilia, someone once told me that friends help each other stand. You're never going to be perfect, neither will I, and neither will Subaru-kun. So let me help you, so you can help him. Because if the two of us who are normally burdens help each other, then maybe we won't be burdens anymore."
Emilia reached her hand up toward Rem and wavered for a moment. She thought of Subaru waiting to help her last night, his hesitation. Then her purple eyes landed on her hand. She examined her behavior. Emilia couldn't criticize him. Right now she was doing the same thing.
I really am just a selfish hypocrite. A smile slipped onto her face. But that just means we're even, doesn't it Subaru?
Emilia grasped Rem's hand and stood. On steady legs she got ready for the morning then stepped up to the door.
"Rem?" Emilia met the eyes of Rem, who was waiting behind her, "Do you have any idea where Subaru might have gone?" Guilt entered her. How could she make all these grand declarations when she didn't even know all that much about Subaru?
She may have known how weird he acted, but she had no idea how his mind worked.
"Sister will be able to find him with her Clairvoyance," Emilia nodded and walked outside of the cabin.
She doesn't know where he would go either. Maybe me not knowing Subaru well isn't my fault… maybe no one knows that much about him. The girl thought to herself as she walked toward a despairing Ram.
The oni seemed to be holding on to calm like a man dangling off the Great Waterfall with only a blade of grass in his hands. Even if Ram didn't show it, it was easy to see. Though all she was doing was keeping her head back. Presumably, she was searching for Subaru with her Clairvoyance. The tightness of Ram's neck, along with the scrunch of her face, showed Emilia everything.
"Ram-san, can you find him?" Emilia asked her. The pink-haired maid opened her red eyes to them.
"I have no idea where Barusu is… I've gone into his perspective, but I can't judge the location he's in. Something is interfering, and his eyes are closed," Ram's voice was monotone.
"So Clairvoyance doesn't work, is there any other way to find him?" Emilia searched for a path out of their predicament.
"The only other real option is to enlist Garfiel or Otto's help," Ram said in response. The girl hesitated when she said their names.
Emilia guessed Ram might not trust them with everything, though she had no idea why. Garfiel and Otto were both very nice. Though on second thought. Garfiel had kicked Subaru in the face… so maybe he wasn't the best choice to search for Subaru.
"Ram, is there anywhere Subaru would go?" Emilia asked, "And are we sure he isn't just planning something to help Sanctuary?"
"He said he had to do something, but he was lying. I could tell… but, I'm sorry Emilia-sama I have no idea where Barusu would go."
So none of us really know him that well. More guilt entered Emilia's chest as she remembered how much Subaru had done to help them. After all the time they'd spent with him… none of them had any idea where he'd go to hide.
"Let's go get Garfiel and Otto," Ram said to her sister, then led the blue-haired girl off into the forest.
Emilia stood alone. She wracked her mind for anywhere Subaru might have gone. Her lack of Sanctuary impeded her. She'd never been here, so she had no real idea of any location other than her cabin, the church, or the tomb.
Subaru where are you? She asked herself.
After a moment she spoke, "I'm an idiot for thinking I could help. I'll never be able to find him…"
Her hand reached out into the air as she thought upon anyone who may have known Subaru. The only memory that entered her mind was a little black dot.
Subaru's spirit knew him… Emilia's lips quirked upward as she discovered a way to find him.
"Hey spirits, sorry to be a burden, but can you help me find Subaru?" She summoned as many as she could.
Globes of blue light appeared around her, sending their emotions. She discerned their affirmation to her request in a few moments.
"Alright you guys lead the way," She whispered and followed a few spirits. Others rushed off into the forest to scout ahead.
Emilia smiled and entered the forest proper. I'm going to find you, Subaru.
Ram stared down at her hand as she walked alongside Rem. Their footsteps thudded against the dirt as her hands quaked.
Barusu, what happened? She wanted to believe he was working on some kind of plan, but… she couldn't force herself to believe it. She knew how Subaru acted most of the time, and that wasn't it. Something had been wrong, and she hadn't said anything.
She now knew it was a mistake as she rubbed her nose with her other hand. There was no injury there as Emilia had healed it, but yesterday Subaru had broken her nose with the back of his head.
His face from this morning was still clear in her mind. The tears hidden behind his eyes. The way he trembled. The fear in his bearing as he looked for something that wasn't there.
"Rem…"
"Yes, sister?"
Ram thought for a moment before she asked, "Why didn't I do all that I could to help Barusu?"
"Sister…" Rem hesitated, "You did do all you could. You did everything that was possible for you to do."
Rem's voice was full of honesty as she comforted her sister.
The pink-haired girl didn't say anything more. Her lips remained sealed as she worried about the past for a moment. Regret haunted her.
Though she wasn't able to think for long, as Rem hadn't finished speaking, "We'll find him sister, and then if you deem it necessary you can apologize."
Ram's lips tilted up into a smile as she thought upon the words that had come from her sister's lips.
You've come so far, Rem. Subaru's disheveled and pained expression disappeared. His face with a hint of a smile on it appeared instead.
Thank you for everything you've done for Rem, Barusu.
She offered her gratitude for the man and continued to walk alongside her younger sister.
Ram put her hand back to the side and was certain it was only shaking a little because she was moving on uneven ground.
She took a few deep breaths and stretched out her arms. Her breaths entered and left her mouth at a slow pace.
No use worrying about the past. I need to help Barusu.
Her despair left her, then determination replaced it.
It didn't take very long after that until the two sisters changed direction and stepped behind a few trees. They were right on time to see Garfiel punch through a tree's trunk.
"Ha…" The demi-human boy let out a sigh and turned to the twins, "Rem, Ram? What'd you need?"
"We need your help, Garf," Ram said. Her voice was steady as she readied herself to try and convince Garfiel to help Subaru.
"With what?" He stretched out his right arm.
"Finding Barusu."
"Who th'fuck's that?"
"Subaru," Rem jumped into the conversation.
"Oh, the guy who ripped his nails off? That guy's just scared as shit. Probably ran off somewhere t'hide."
Rem and Ram looked at each other, deciding what to do.
"Hm, alright then come help us search for him, idiot," Ram said with a scowl. Relief bloomed behind her insults though. She hadn't come into this conversation expecting it to be easy. But Subaru wasn't exactly threatening yesterday.
"Alright, Ram," Garfiel said. He followed as soon as the pink-haired maid gestured for him too.
Onto Otto.
"Why…?" A word sounding like a sob fell from Subaru's lips.
"I choose, Natsuki Subaru…"
Why?
Ram? Ram, why?
Subaru scrunched his face and kept his eyes closed.
"Remember who did this to you." Capella's voice whispered in his head.
Tears dripped down his face and onto the cold floor. Sobs fell from Subaru's throat, his fear pushed his back further into the base of the Ryuzu Crystal.
"What if they don't care about you?"
No, they care about me…
In the void of his closed eyes, Capella leaned down and caressed his cheek.
"Do you really believe that?"
Subaru's voice nor mind roused any argument to the hallucination. He only pulled his knees further into his chest.
Another phantom hand touched his chin, he kept weeping. His eyes didn't open. Nothing within him could bring him to face the world outside.
To face those who'd caused him so much pain.
It wasn't their fault…
But if they don't care, how can I move forward?
"If you would like I can answer that," A familiar voice whispered into his mind.
"Echidna?" He covered his eyes with his hands.
She wasn't real. She wasn't…
Subaru tried to push himself into the wall, but he couldn't go any further.
You aren't real.
"Ah… so you're wondering whether they care for you or not. We've already decided on the answer to this question. We decided it didn't matter, and we were right," The greedy woman whispered into his mind.
Her words touched his soul, almost as if they were coming from within him, but not at the same time. Subaru had no idea if she was real or only a hallucination.
I need to tell someone of the burdens I carry…
"They won't listen," Capella whispered, "They won't care. They won't even notice."
"You can still take on their suffering," Echidna said, "You can still move forward, and do everything right…"
"How?" The word escaped his throat. Along with another few sobs as he tried to hold the memory of pain from his conscious mind.
"That's simple," Echidna said, and reached out her fingers, "Just take my hand once more."
That was the wrong choice. The wrong choice. They were all in so much pain.
Subaru covered his eyes with his hands once more, but Echidna was in his mind. She stood before him, hand outstretched. He couldn't block her out.
"Is it such a bad idea? I can help. I can listen whenever you need me. I'll always be there, and I'll never leave, I'll never betray you. I'll never break your trust… because I love you, Natsuki Subaru, you can satisfy me." Some of the greedy woman's words held truth, at least what he believed was the truth.
Her smile widened a little and she moved her hand closer to him while stroking his hair with her other hand.
"I understand all you've been through. I've seen every death. I know all the pain inherent in each one. I understand all the burdens you're carrying, not just that you're holding them," She continued to whisper.
No this is wrong. She's wrong. Taking her hand will only lead to more pain. Even if they hurt me… it's only my pain… it's only my suffering. Even if they betrayed me… it was an impossible circumstance. Even if they hate me… I will take on their suffering.
Maybe I don't need them to listen… I just need to do all I can. Or maybe I don't need to help them. NO! I need to help them. I need to do every single thing in my power.
"Remember who did this to you," Capella said to him, bringing all the memories from the last loop back to the surface.
For a moment everything, even his name, disappeared in wake of that agony.
Subaru's hand moved forward of its own accord. Sobs fell from his throat. What else can I do though?
Who else will help me?
I was wrong, I can't do it alone. I need someone to listen… someone to not hate me.
Echidna's smile widened further as his fingers brushed her own.
Her fingertips rubbed Subaru's. He took no notice of the fact that they didn't feel like Echidna's.
His fingers touched the top of Echidna's palm, and he grasped for something to hold on to.
He clasped his hand in Echidna's, and the woman vanished. But the sensation of holding someone's hand didn't.
"Who's there?" His voice was full of terror. Subaru didn't open his eyes.
He struggled to get his grip out but the unseen presence held his hand in a firm grip. Though no fear grew in him as their hand felt soft. It was familiar.
"It's okay Subaru," Emilia whispered in a soft voice.
"I choose Subaru."
The black-haired boy tried to escape but Emilia didn't let him.
"It's alright Subaru, you're alright," She rubbed his hair, soothing him.
Fear caused Subaru's form to tremble and he tried to back away even further, but something in his mind stopped him.
Her voice, still sounds like a silver bell, doesn't it?
Subaru remembered how fond he'd been of Emilia before making his contract with Echidna.
How much will she suffer if I keep being afraid of her?
Yet, the boy still didn't open his eyes or stop shaking.
"Emilia…" His voice trembled as he spoke. Sweat slicked his palms as Emilia held onto his hand.
"It hurt didn't it, Subaru?" She brushed aside his damp hair and wiped away the tears from his cheeks.
What if she does care? What if someone cares?
"It hurt…" Subaru returned Emilia's grip on his hand.
"Remember who did this to you."
It didn't hurt when she picked me. It didn't hurt.
"Was it scary?" Emilia whispered again while rubbing away his snot with a handkerchief.
"It was," Subaru curled around her instead of trying to force himself into the Ryuzu Crystal's base.
Though he still kept his eyes shut, he wasn't quite ready to open them.
"Subaru, you aren't alone," Emilia squeezed his hand and whispered.
Subaru's breath caught.
She's just saying that.
But what if she isn't?
What if they really do care for me?
Capella's face flashed in his mind. Before she could say a word he lifted his eyelids. Emilia's eyes held his own, concern, worry, and warmth laid in them.
She smiled at him. His quivering lessened.
The two remained like that for a while before Subaru broke the silence, "I'm sorry for lying, Emilia."
"Don't worry about it Subaru, I understand. I was scared coming out of the trial and blamed you, but you were scared too," She said.
A peaceful silence remained over the two of them, even though Subaru still shivered. It had become far less pronounced.
Maybe Capella was wrong about Emilia. Right… please…
Subaru kept the tears held in, and his mind together. It was a challenge but with the comfort of Emilia's grip he held off the anguish that threatened to consume him. "Haaa…" A shaky breath fell from his throat, but he was able to force some stability into it after a few moments.
After another few minutes, Subaru forced himself out of a fetal position. Then he pushed himself into a sitting position against the Ryuzu Crystal. Emilia followed suit, sitting next to him.
"So what is this thing Subaru?"
"The heart of Sanctuary."
"Oh…" Emilia tilted her head, "I don't see how this is a heart, it's not red, or is it just the heart because it runs the barrier?"
"It runs the barrier," Subaru confirmed.
"Ooh, how does that work?" Emilia asked.
An explanation from Echidna rose in his mind. It was from his last visit to Sanctuary. Once he recalled all the details he rattled it off to Emilia. Reaching into his older memories to find that his pain had grown further away. He didn't realize it, but Emilia was finding a way for him to focus on something else.
After he finished explaining that, Emilia summoned a few spirits. She sat still for a moment, communing with them.
"You can talk to them right, Subaaaru?"
"Yeah," He said while tilting his head.
"What are they saying?"
At her words, he opened his mind to the spirit's voices. He let them whisper into him, and their words wash over him.
"They're not saying much really. They're just hanging out I guess…"
Emilia nodded, but Subaru wasn't focused on her.
Another memory of his agony shot through him. But this was new. A memory he'd repressed. His hands shot to his temples and tears leaked to his throat as the new sensation rushed through him.
Emilia reached over to him and wrapped her arms around him. He squirmed in her grasp.
"It's alright, Subaru," Emilia soothed. Her voice was a silver bell.
Subaru released a breath at her words, he tried to keep any trembling down, forcing himself to relax. He nodded but didn't say anything.
The girl kept him close to her, and he could feel her warmth. It was soothing in a way, and for a moment his torture moved to the back of his mind. The pain stayed, but it had diminished a great amount.
Both of them remained silent for a moment until a question came to Subaru's mind. Finally, his throat seemed to open. He breathed in and let his lips fall open.
But right before he could ask his question he stopped himself.
No… she might suffer if I ask her this. It'll bother her.
It hurts. It hurts. Why does it hurt? Why? No matter how hard he tried, Subaru couldn't stop the pieces of his mind overwhelmed with agony. And deep down, he didn't want to stop himself.
He was only raising idle protests.
But those weren't enough for him right now, so he let the question jump out into the world.
"Emilia…" He started.
Her silver hair spun a little as she turned to him, "What is it, Subaru?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"So how's this merchant guy gonna help us find'im?" Garfiel asked as the three walked toward the church.
Ram thought about it for a moment, then said, "From what I've seen he has some odd Divine Protection."
Garfiel and Rem tilted their heads, "What d'you mean?" The blonde boy said.
"I don't know the specifics, he hasn't talked about it, idiot," Ram insulted, "But he has odd interactions with animals. He might be able to use that to find Barusu."
Garfiel directed his eyes back in front of him and didn't say anything more. It seemed like he was trying to work through it in his own head, but it had been a while since Ram had seen Garf. He was a bit different then what she remembered.
"D'you think he'd use this ability 'gainst Sanctuary?" The blonde-haired boy asked after around a minute.
Ram held her hand to her chin, then spoke "Ha, like I would concern myself with the affairs of someone so low."
"Fuck does that mean?" The boy tried to grasp her meaning.
Ram wondered if she should tell the boy that she had no idea, but she couldn't admit something like that. Though she could warn him to watch out for the merchant, so she moved to say that, but Rem spoke before she had the chance.
"I don't think he would," Rem spoke with rare confidence.
"Hm?" Garfiel's green eyes jumped back to her blue-haired sister.
"I'm not entirely sure, Garf," Rem crossed her arms and put on the mean persona she used most often when speaking to Garfiel, "But he isn't a Witch Cultist or anything like that."
"Well, I'll just…" Garfiel tilted his head, it was easy to tell he didn't know what course of action he should take.
"Just keep a close eye on him, you overgrown feline," Ram said, giving him a solution to his predicament.
"He is overgrown isn't he, sister?" Rem teamed up with her older sister.
"Grotesquely so," The pink-haired maid agreed.
"If my amazin' self is that grotesque it just means that no one is going to try and attack Sanctuary," Garfiel responded to their insults.
Ram had to force her scowl to deepen at the newfound comfort in the tiger's words.
"Yes, you do smell disgusting, it will likely ward them off," Ram turned away from him to add to her insult.
"Exactly how you could ever love someone so rancid is beyond me," Rem put herself next to Ram.
"Of course I'd rather love someone as cute as my sister," Ram said and grabbed Rem's hand.
"My amazin' self ain't changin' who I am."
"At least bathe a little more," Both twins said at the same time.
Garfiel's eyes dropped to the ground "Yeah granny always does say I should do that more," He rubbed the back of his blonde hair and a hint of embarrassment crossed his face.
A short giggle came from Rem's throat, then Garfiel followed suit with a pure laugh of his own.
Ram's smile widened as she watched the two of them fall into their joy. A memory of black hair crossed her mind.
Where are you, Barusu? She activated her Clairvoyance once more, then reached toward his perspective. Except this time she wasn't met with the black void behind his closed eyelids.
Emilia's silver hair glittered in Subaru's vision. Ram's breath caught and tears of relief welled up in her eyes. She turned away from Garfiel and Rem. Then tried to get a better feel for Subaru's surroundings.
Her smile dampened as she caught a glimpse of Subaru's trembling hand. It was the third time she'd seen true fear in him. The first being right after the fight with the White Whale. And the second being last night. When he'd been so terrified of the world around him he ripped off his nails to get away from everything.
"I found Barusu," The words slipped from her mouth, "Emilia-sama found him and is trying to calm him down, we need to go help."
"Sister, where is he?" Rem asked.
"Garf," Ram met her red eyes to the boy's green irises, "Do you recognize a room with an odd mist in it," She switched into Emilia's perspective, "And a massive blue crystal with one of the Ryuzu's in it?"
"He's there?" Garfiel seemed perplexed, "Yeah I know where that is."
"Good, take us there," Ram dropped her insults.
"Yeah… 'f course," Garfiel stepped into the lead and raced forward. He almost forgot to gesture for them to follow him.
The two maids met each other's eyes, noticing his odd behavior.
"Don't have time to stand here, c'mon, both of you," Garfiel said and kept going.
Rem and Ram followed the boy. As soon as the weirdness of Garfiel's manner subsided they focused on Subaru. They followed the blonde boy with an identical level of urgency.
Emilia was right, I need to do everything I can for Barusu, no matter what happened in the past. I'll make it so you aren't afraid anymore, mark my words Barusu. I'm going to protect you from whatever it is. And if I need to, then I will save you.
Emilia tilted her head at Subaru's question. "What do you mean… why am I doing this? Doing what?"
He shut his eyes again. Causing Emilia's heart to drop a little.
"You know Subaru, if you aren't feeling perfect, then you don't have to hide it," She said to him in a soft voice.
The black-haired boy trembled. His eyes started to dart around, so Emilia pulled him into a deeper hug.
"It's alright, Subaru, you don't have to be strong all the time, not for me." Self-deprecation entered Emilia's voice.
A little bit of guilt had entered his breath. Emilia had no idea what to say about that. Maybe I really am just making it worse.
She pondered upon that question for a moment until Subaru spoke again, "Why are you doing this, Emilia?"
"I don't comprehend what you mean, Subaru," Emilia tilted her head, pulling out her antiquated vocabulary.
"Why are you helping me? Comforting me? Why? It doesn't match, it doesn't make sense…. But…. why?" Confusion and anguish reigned in Subaru's tone as Emilia's smile disappeared.
The girl pulled back from Subaru, gazing upon his face.
"Why am I helping you?" Emilia closed her eyes and tilted her head back to think about the question.
She reached into her memories and a new smile rose on her face. After a moment purple met brown and joy fell upon Emilia's expression.
"Because of how many times you helped me," She said.
Subaru's mind stumbled in surprise and he moved to speak. His lips fell open, but right before he could say anything Emilia talked over him.
"You helped get my insignia back in the capital. Then you helped me heal those village children and get rid of their curses," The sound of her voice was warm as she spoke, "You warned me and Puck of the Sin Archbishop of Gluttony. Then you and Ram killed him to protect us. And after that, you tried to make sure I was fine after the trial."
"But I was lying, I was just afraid," Subaru said.
"Subaru…" Emilia smiled, "What's so bad about being afraid once in a while. This is the first time
I've ever seen you scared of something. You're always so fearless, able to jump into anything with no trouble. You're always willing to help me, no matter what. So you deserve to let your guard down for a little while."
"Emilia…" Subaru had no idea what words to form, "But why are you helping me know…? Why do I deserve a break? I made you feel worse…"
"That's why," Emilia put her hand on his shoulder, "Because you were hurt sooo badly. And you were in so much pain that it left you scared. You deserve to take a break for a little while, even if you don't feel like you deserve it, you do…"
"Why do I deserve it…?" Subaru's shaking stopped for a moment, and his eyes finally focused on Emilia's own.
"This may be selfish of me…" Emilia hesitated for a moment, then finished, "But, because I care about you. I reaaaaally do."
Subaru stared into Emilia's eyes. He couldn't believe the words that had come from her mouth. The part taught by Echidna rejected her words. But the other part, the one still focused on Capella's torture hoped Emilia's words were true. Wanted to cling onto them. To grasp them.
Or was it the opposite? Did his memories of torture want him to run from Emilia? Was it instead his memories of Echidna that wanted him to stay?
Which was it? Which?
"Remember who did this to you."
A voice reminiscent of broken silver bells emanated from the depths of his mind, "I choose Subaru."
"Emilia, why are you lyi-"
"Barusu!" Ram appeared in the doorway of the laboratory. The maid's face held a relieved smile alongside tears in her eyes.
"You can't trust them, only this lovely lady."
Subaru's memories burned anew, and for a moment his skin was melting. His skin was gone, his bones were visible beneath. Agony flayed his mind. It took almost ten seconds before he recognized the falsity of what he was seeing.
Once his mind calmed from the hallucination he got a new glimpse. Rem and Garfiel were now standing behind Ram.
Subaru forced himself back from the group.
"Remember who did this to you."
He pushed against the base of the Ryuzu Crystal.
"Ah…" A breath full of terror escaped Subaru's mouth. In another moment he extricated himself from Emilia's grip. The girl didn't stop him.
He got to his feet and noticed Ram, Rem, and Garfiel walking toward him.
It hurts.
It hurts.
"I choose Natsuki Subaru."
It hurts so much…
So much….
Too much.
Subaru clasped his hands to his temples and wept. He shut off all his senses and let himself fall into his mind. He didn't pay attention to the agonized scream that tore from his throat. Nor the hundred spirits surrounding him.
"I choose Natsuki Subaru," He whispered again and again.
"Barusu?" Ram's voice, which brought his agony back to the surface.
"Subaru-kun?" Rem's voice, which in another situation may have soothed him.
"Subaru?" Emilia's voice, one of silver bells. He wanted to enjoy its ringing. Oh, how he wanted to.
"Barusu, what's wrong?"
"It hurts."
Subaru sat down and curled up into a ball.
Echidna, I know you're fake, but I need you. Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Please, just tell me what to do.
"Take my hand." A soft voice whispered to him. Curiosity dripped in the woman's voice. It was familiar. Trustable.
In his mind, the woman stretched out her hand to him. Instead of grabbing Emilia's palm, this time Subaru grasped Echidna's, and held on.
A black-haired woman with Echidna's face appeared in his mind, then pulled him from consciousness.
"Barusu…" Ram stared down at Subaru's unconscious body. Her vision blurred for a moment, then she blinked as fast as she could to clear away the tears. A shaking breath fell from her throat.
She tried to say his name again, but when she drew in a breath to speak his eyes appeared in her mind. All she could see in them was fear and betrayal. Barusu. The maid tried to figure out what she'd done. But as she stood frozen she found nothing.
Ram had no idea what she'd done to him.
She continued to look at his sleeping form. She didn't move an inch until she saw Rem's blue eyes on her. Her younger sister was staring at her with confusion and surprise.
"Sister… what happened?" Rem asked, her voice filled to the brim with uncertainty.
"I…" The pink-haired maid stared forward, "Ram doesn't know."
She tried to get rid of the guilt in her chest. To tell herself it wasn't her fault. But her emotions wouldn't go away. And every time she looked at Subaru's face twisted in fear and agony she felt another stab of remorse.
Ram shoved down her emotions and started thinking of ways to help Subaru.
"Natsuki Subaru," Echidna's familiar voice came from a short distance away.
He gazed at the source of her voice, and his eyes narrowed in recognition. Grassy hills rolled out around him, and he sat on a white chair. A small table with a cup of tea lay in front of him.
Natsuki Subaru. The name passed through his mind. It felt familiar to him.
"Ahhh…" Echidna's expression had a smile painted across it, "So you aren't fully here. It seems my theory was incorrect. I'd thought if you volunteered to come with me then your entire mind would come. To be proven wrong like this, so interesting, so satisfying," She whispered, her words breathy.
He felt her focus shift to something within them.
"Could I…?" She reached across the table and grabbed onto his chest.
He didn't care to resist. Maybe once he might have, but now… after the blonde-haired woman which even this small piece of him could still remember… he wasn't all that full of care or caution. Not after what she'd done to…
An image appeared in his mind. It was a person he'd never seen. But he had… it was odd. His hatred for Capella only grew.
"Ah so I can seize this," Echidna grabbed onto him and her wrist sunk into his chest. Her hand phased through his heart and blood. The greedy woman was reaching toward something less physical in nature. He had no idea what it was. But he didn't care to find out, so he let Echidna's grip continue to reach into him.
"There," Echidna whispered.
He felt her hand stop moving and grasp something within him.
"Subarun," A girl whispered into his mind, stopping him from thinking anymore, "Well Subarun, then you have something tasty in you… though a bit small, only a third of its original size."
Echidna's smile widened, "Now let's see what this will do."
The greedy witch twisted her hand.
Subaru's mind snapped into place, and he stared at the woman in front of him, "Echidna… what is this?"
"Shhhh," She put her finger up to her lips, then pulled her hand out of his chest and placed it on his forehead.
"This will be interesting."
The presence within Subaru took shape.
What's going on? His mind was sluggish.
Echidna's fingers touched his head.
"What will happen if I put you into a dream in this state?" She whispered. Then sunk her finger into his head and touched his brain.
A dream took him.
Ram stood above him. His back was up against a wall behind him. Wind caressed his head from a window behind him.
What is this? He looked around, trying to figure out where he was. Surrounding him were the hallways of the Roswaal mansion. Once he'd found out where he was he focused on Ram.
The pink-haired woman's eyes were full of hatred. She glared at him with rage.
"Fula," She said, releasing a blade of wind that chopped through his neck. His body leaned against the ground as his head thudded on the floor. His hair flared out around him. It was brown and long. A bit of broken glass lay on the ground next to him. In it lay his reflection.
Ram… His mind whispered. Green eyes stared at him from the reflection. Ley Batenkaitos.
The reality of the situation set in. I'm dying. What's this, what's going on? Why am I dying? Ram? Ram killed me. She killed me. Ram killed me. Why did she kill me?
It's obvious. Because she hates me.
Subaru's eyes snapped open. A second later, he sat up. He didn't pay attention to his surroundings. "Ahhh…" A soft groan emanated from his lips. He rubbed the pads of his fingers along his cheeks.
"Haa…" He sucked in oxygen.
"Mmh," He grunted when he pushed his hands through his hair. Along the way, he closed his fingers and ripped out a few strands of black.
"Subaru-kun?" A girl called out from his side.
He ignored her, instead, bringing his hands out of his hair and gazing at the black hair.
"Ram…?"
He stared around the room he'd woken up in. It didn't take very long to figure out he was in the same place he'd last woken up in.
Emilia's cabin. A silver-haired girl filled his mind.
"I choose Subaru."
Pain rushed back into Subaru's mind. His muscles grew hard as stone.
"Subaru-kun," Rem wrapped her arms around him, "Everything's alright."
Subaru was too engrossed within his memories to notice her. Capella stood over him. Everyone chose him. Why did they all choose him? Why did it hurt so much?
He shut his eyes and grit his teeth. His muscles jittered and he trembled. Tears poured down his cheeks.
"Why…?" He asked anything that would listen.
"Why? Why? Why?" His question repeated over and over again. All the while he didn't even know what he was asking. He just wanted to know.
"It's alright Subaru-kun, you're safe. Everything is alright," Rem whispered.
At her words, Subaru's trembling—for the most part—fizzled out. He directed his eyes around the room again as he reclaimed his grasp on reality somewhat. The pale moonlight streamed through the window in front of him. Rem sat back in her chair. Though he was too busy going through the room to pay attention.
He directed his eyes down, noticing he was on Emilia's bed.
"Where's Emilia?" Subaru asked Rem.
"She's talking to Garfiel and sister," She said.
"Ram," Subaru held down the memories her name brought out.
Tears welled up, falling onto the bedsheets.
"Subaru-kun, it's going to be alright…" Uncertainty plagued Rem. But either way, Subaru didn't pay attention to her words.
"Ram, why did you do it? Why?" His voice got louder, "Why?"
"Subaru-kun, are you alright?" Concern and confusion laced Rem's voice.
He directed his eyes to the blue-haired girl at his side. As he looked upon the girl, he dove into his memories once more.
"Let us start here. From square one. No, from zero."
For the first time, he remembered his torture on purpose.
Agony flowed through him and he clutched at Rem. The girl returned his embrace.
"From zero."
Subaru pushed past the agony focusing instead on Rem's role in the torture. She'd been tortured alongside him.
"From zero."
Not once had she chosen him. Maybe if she had a different choice she would have, but she didn't.
Either way, she was Rem. The one who'd picked him up. The only reason he'd gotten this far.
He grabbed Rem's hand. From there, it was easy to return to reality.
You were wrong, Capella. I still have someone who cares about me. Someone who will listen when I need them. A way for me to continue.
The skin on his palm faced him. He directed his eyes to it while balling his hand into a fist.
"Rem," He let go of her hand. Following that, he swiveled his legs off the bed, "We need to get everyone out of Sanctuary."
"What's going on?" She stood from her stool as he started toward the door.
"There's going to be an attack by an Archbishop of the Witch's Cult."
Rem's eyebrows tilted down at his words. Her hands gripped her skirt, then closed into fists. Subaru placed his hand on her shoulder.
After a moment the maid let out a long sigh. Then, she opened her eyes. Her gaze was icy and full of hatred for the Witch's Cult. But she didn't lash out. She held herself back.
"Do you have a plan, Subaru-kun?"
"Not yet, but I have some ideas. And if this one doesn't work out, then there's always next time," He said.
Rem tilted her head but didn't question his words. He had no idea why. A second later the two left the room.
He ignored how much his hand shuddered when he opened the door.
Emilia leaned against the front wall of her cabin. She directed her eyes to the right, where Ram and Garfiel stood on the other end of the door from her. Garfiel was whispering to the pink-haired girl while Emilia watched, idle.
She had no idea what she could do for the maid. After all… she only spoke to Ram on occasion. But still, Emilia blamed herself, because she knew that sadness in the maid's eyes, and so far she'd done nothing.
The sadness that came from people being afraid of you for a reason you don't understand. And feeling guilty for something you didn't do. Without Puck and Subaru to explain she hadn't done anything she would have no idea why she even felt that guilt. The guilt that she still felt a lot of the time. Sometimes it was hard to remember she wasn't at fault.
It had been harder when she didn't know her guilt was wrong.
Emilia remained in her place for a few moments before closing the distance between herself and the other two.
"What're you doin'?" Garfiel asked as she stepped up to him.
"Can I talk to her for a minute?" She asked.
Suspicion and prejudice entered the boy's eyes, but he suppressed it after a moment and nodded his head. The blonde boy stepped past her and leaned in the spot she'd been in.
Emilia turned back to Ram, who was looking at her and Garfiel.
"Emilia-sama?" Guilt cloaked the maid.
"Hey Ram-san," Emilia sat down next to Ram, pulling the maid along with her. When the two women were sitting on the grass Emilia turned back to Ram, "So what did you do to Subaru?"
A bit of guilt passed through Emilia as she said those words, but she steeled herself as she waited for Ram's answer.
"Emilia-sama," Ram's red eyes dropped to her hands. The maid pushed all emotion from her face, "Ra-I… don't know."
"If you don't know then why do you feel so guilty?" Emilia said.
Ram's body froze. The girl stared into her eyes. After a moment, understanding began between the two women.
"I know I need to help him, and that guilt doesn't serve a purpose but… is this what it's like, Emilia-sama?" Ram asked.
"Yeah, I think this is what it's like," Emilia said, "It's reaaaaally weird, isn't it?"
"Well that's obvious," There was a light insult weaved into Ram's words. But, in what would have been strange to an observer, it brought a smile to Emilia's face.
Silence graced the two of them. Emilia was fine with it. It was a peaceful silence.
It wasn't broken until Ram looked down at her own hands and turned back to Emilia. Her lips fell open and words came from her throat, "Let's find a way to help Barusu."
"Yeah he does need our help, doesn't he?" Emilia said.
"Exactly," Ram responded.
After that Emilia thought to herself. Maybe all those times back in the mansion after she'd met Subaru, when he'd seemed so in pain, it hadn't been her fault. She looked into her memories and tried to figure out what she'd done to Subaru. Nothing came into her mind.
Emilia had never hurt Subaru. Something else had done it. And she'd been too busy blaming it on herself to help.
Within a moment the two women spoke to each other about stupid, insignificant, things. Yet Emilia still enjoyed every second of the conversation, it was the first time she'd talked to Ram like this.
"We need to get ready, the dude's awake," Garfiel interrupted their conversation. But when Emilia tried to meet his green eyes, she couldn't. He was looking into the window, after a moment he moved toward Emilia and Ram.
"He'll probably be comin' out soon," Garfiel said, "So what're we going to do? My amazin' self can't talk t'him. Ram last time you tried didn't go over well. You might be able to Emilia-sama."
Emilia thought about the boy's plan, "How about we trust Rem to talk to him?"
"Yes, he never looked at Rem like he did us," Ram said, pointing out what they'd observed over the course of the day.
Garfiel nodded and stepped off into the forest so if Subaru came out it didn't look like they were going to gang up on him.
"I should go as-" Ram started to speak, but Emilia tightened her grasp on the maid's wrist.
"Trust Rem and Subaru," Emilia said to the girl.
Ram's breath caught. When Emilia glanced at her she nodded her head, accepting the half-elf's words. Emilia offered a slight grin to the girl, then turned back to the door and waited to see if Subaru and Rem would emerge.
After a few minutes of waiting, the door opened. Subaru stepped out, with Rem following behind him.
Emilia put her foot forward, readying words to speak to him; however, she didn't have the chance as Subaru expressed his intent before she could.
"Emilia. We need to liberate Sanctuary, can you clear the trials?" Subaru said, his voice firm sounding.
Emilia tilted her head. It took her a moment to realize what he'd said.
"I…" She saw the look in his eyes. It was hard to tell whether his belief in her was genuine, or whether his conviction was only of necessity.
She chose to believe in him.
"I can do it," She said, "I can pass the trials. I can face my past."
Subaru forced his head to nod. He didn't believe Emilia's words, but he needed her to be able to pass the trials. So he had to trust in her. At least in this loop.
It's fine if it doesn't happen in this loop. His eyes flicked to Rem. There's always the next loop.
A tremor took his body as his eyes landed on Ram's dull hair. His face scrunched, to distract himself he retreated inward.
"Spirits," He called minor spirits around him. Also slipping them the command to survey the surrounding area. A shaking breath slipped from him as a memory of his pain jumped out at him.
The boy forced himself to focus on trying to form a plan, but he'd already thought of all he needed to.
Emilia would try to pass the trials. Then if she did manage to pass them he would beat Garfiel up again and evacuate everyone from the Sanctuary.
And if Emilia couldn't pass the trials… then he'd kill himself before Capella could get to him, and try again.
Signals from his spirits came into his mind. They'd found Garfiel. Subaru turned away from Emilia, and toward the direction, they'd indicated.
"Garfiel," Subaru said, projecting his voice so it reached the boy, "Come out. I have some information for you."
The blonde-haired boy stepped from the forest at his words, eyeing him with suspicion.
"I choose Subaru." The tiger whispered in his mind.
"What'd you want t'speak t'my amazin' self about?" The demi-human said. His green eyes peered into Subaru's pupils.
Pain rushed back into Subaru, he took a step back, only to crash into Rem's shoulder. He turned back to the girl, who gave him a reassuring smile. He pushed through the pain in his mind. Then used his new resolve to face down Garfiel.
"In a little while Sanctuary is going to be attacked by the Bowel Hunter, a mabeast user, two swordsmen, both are stronger than you, and the…" Subaru gritted his teeth and forced himself to finish, "Sin Archbishop of Lust."
"Alright I'll kill 'em then," Garfiel cracked his knuckles.
"You can't win," Subaru said.
"I'm the Shield of the Sanctuary. I can handle 'em."
Subaru shook his head back and forth, his deep fear melted away for a brief moment.
"We can help Garf fight," Ram's voice rang out. Subaru couldn't hold himself from flinching at her tone.
"I choose Natsuki Subaru." His memories pulled him in again. For a few moments, he remained stuck in his mind. Though after those moments were over Rem called out to him, rousing him from his mind.
"Subaru-kun?"
"Rem?" Subaru snapped his head to her.
Rem's eyes hopped to her sister, then back to him. After a moment she spoke, "If we all helped Garf, then could we defeat the cultists who are coming to Sanctuary?"
"No," He shook his head.
The atmosphere grew tense.
"I said I could take 'em," Garfiel said.
"You can't," Subaru met his eyes.
"The fuck do you know?" Garfiel's volume bordered on a yell.
"When it comes to the Witch's Cult…" Subaru shut his eyes and for a brief moment let himself fall into Capella's torture. Once the pain entered him he focused on it and used it to sharpen his mind.
But for a moment, he almost failed. His fear rose in him, it took him… until he looked down at Rem.
"More than you," He finished.
"Really, and how do you know all of that?" Garfiel stepped up to him. His hands curled into fists, "You a cultist?"
"Not that I know of," Subaru moved closer to Garfiel. No fear entered his mind. After all, what would it matter if Garfiel hit him? What would it matter if Garfiel tore him apart? Murdered him slow or fast. In the face of what Capella had done to him, Garfiel wasn't threatening.
"Then how-" Garfiel started.
Subaru took another step forward. Garfiel took one back, then anger grew on his face.
"Because I've met all the Bishops before," Subaru said.
Garfiel froze. Then tried to speak, but no words came.
"Garfiel. Your two options are to either pass the trials, or let Emilia liberate this place," Subaru stopped talking, and let the boy process his words.
Garfiel stood stock-still for a few moments then said, "If you wanna fuckin' try the impossible be my guest."
"The trials can be cleared," Subaru said. His certainty left the boy unnerved.
The blonde-haired boy shook his head, "Shut the fuck'p 'bout things you don't know about."
Subaru turned away from the boy then turned to Emilia, "C'mon Emilia, we need to get started immediately. Even if you pass all the trials correctly it will still take some time."
The same nervousness appeared in Emilia's eyes at his confidence in that statement. Subaru didn't pay attention and beckoned Rem and Emilia to follow him.
"Barusu," Ram said, "What do you want Garfiel and I to do?"
"Remember who did this to you," Capella's voice rushed back into his mind.
"I choose Natsuki Subaru."
Subaru gripped his hands, doing his best to keep himself steady. "Get everyone ready to evacuate."
He turned away from her and walked toward Echidna's tomb. Rem and Emilia followed him.
Emilia followed Subaru toward the tomb. She turned her gaze to Rem and then back to Subaru. Determination rushed through her heart, and she kept following. Even with her last trial still in the back of her head.
Yet she pushed through the fear. Because Subaru was doing the same with a much worse horror. Something terrible had happened to Subaru. And for a few minutes last night, he'd lost his grip on it, and his fear ran wild. Now he wasn't able to act normal anymore.
That was her best explanation of what had happened to him. There was no other way to explain all the things she'd seen over the past walk alone. Sometimes Subaru would walk in front of her and Rem, and put his body behind a tree. Whenever he did so it was easy to hear the near sobs that came from his throat.
Then whenever he came out he would stare around with a suspicious and fearful gaze. He suppressed it shortly each time though. He always turned back to the road. Always kept walking.
A deep empty feeling pawed at Emilia's chest as she realized how little she was able to do for Subaru. She'd tried. She'd given it her all this afternoon. But nothing she'd done had worked. He needed more time. That was the only explanation.
To ease the pain in her chest, she focused on the behaviors Subaru had picked up which only confused her.
She'd figured out how unfocused he was when one time while he was engrossed in his mind she got right in front of him. He hadn't paid her any heed. Only mumbled something about a capella. Wait, what was a capella?
She'd wanted to say something about him using weird words, but it likely only would have made him feel worse. She couldn't have herself making Subaru's situation worse, not now.
So she stayed silent for the entire walk.
After a while, they reached Echidna's tomb.
Emilia thought upon the woman for a moment, before Subaru interrupted her.
"Alright Emilia, time for the trial. You're ready," Subaru said.
The words you're ready weren't a question when he said them. They weren't even a command. It was an observation. Emilia smiled at his belief in her and stepped toward the tomb.
"Yes Subaru-kun is right, you're ready Emilia," The blue-haired girl smiled at her.
"Thank you both," Emilia nodded, then climbed the steps and entered the hallway.
A soft turquoise glow emanated from the stones. It grew in strength as she neared the room's center. She touched her hand to the crystal on her neck, feeling Puck's presence there. Even if he hadn't come out, she knew the cat was still there, watching, but something wouldn't let him come out.
That was the only explanation for it. Her father wanted to come out, but the crystal had him trapped. Even so, he stayed contracted to her. It would have been so easy for him to break the contract and find somewhere else.
Emilia smiled as she thought of the cat, and her foot hit the center of the room.
Her smile remained as she fell to the ground.
They're all counting on me.
Rem believes in me.
Subaru believes in me.
And Puck is with me.
I'll clear this trial.
The world faded and she heard a voice.
"First you must face your past," It sounded like a silver bell in her mind.
Is that what everyone heard when she spoke? She hadn't thought about it last time, but now as her consciousness drained she did think of it. Her voice… sounded so much less annoying than she'd thought. With how people had looked at her, she'd always thought she was hearing it wrong. That it was always so much more grating than she'd imagined.
But now she knew. Her voice sounded nice.
Emilia's mind fled, and darkness took its place.
She opened her eyes to a white-haired woman with crossed arms.
As soon as she remembered who the woman was Emilia spoke, "Echidna I hope you didn't get the trial wrong this time. I know it's an easy mistake to make, but I'm here to face my past, not some other Emilia's."
"I should fail you for-"
"But if I must, then I will face someone else's past. I will accept their past. As long as it means I can live up to their expectations, then I can do it."
"Hm?" Hatred entered Echidna's bearing, "You really are just a little slut, so thirsty for the attention and validation of others. Disgusting."
Emilia didn't know what to say to the woman. It took her a few seconds to surpass her hesitance.
"Let's start the trial, Echidna."
"Yes," The woman nodded and raised her right hand, "Let's."
Echidna cast down her hand.
The trial began with her hair bristling under the cold, though that stopped when her contract with Puck warmed her. But maybe that was just in her head. She had no idea how this trial worked, or if she could influence it.
The girl looked around at snow billowing from the sky. Her mouth hung open as she looked into the sky. Then her gaze flicked down, to find her lower half encased in ice.
"Echidna what is happening? I don't recognize this… did you mess up again." Emilia attempted to sound polite as she looked at the woman.
"Idiot girl." The woman said.
Echidna shook her head. "Let's get moving slut. I need to see you writhing around in the dirt. It'll be the only entertainment I've gotten in centuries."
"Uh, Echidna… I'm stuck in ice." Emilia said.
"Oh so you're losing it too," Echidna threw her arms into the air, "Well what did I really expect from you. As much as I would like to see your fragile grasp on reality more, I'd like to get what excitement I can before you make me want to vomit."
"Huh?" Emilia blinked and the snow was gone. The ice casing her lower half had disappeared as well. Her mind didn't draw the connection between that sight and the ending of her last trial. She didn't let it.
Confusion reigned in her mind as she looked up at the sky. All that awaited her eyes was the sun and blue sky. Few, if any, clouds floated above.
"Echidna?" Emilia followed the woman and rushed through a past she didn't recognize. Or didn't let herself recognize.
After a few moments, she stumbled through tree branches and found the woman.
"What did I tell you, Echidna, this isn't my past." She kept her voice polite.
The Witch glared at her, "Disgusting."
Echidna raised her right hand, then snapped her fingers.
In an instant, snow surrounded them.
"Just die."
A platinum-haired woman stood only a few meters away from Emilia and Echidna.
"Echidna, this isn't my past."
"Just die."
Pandora's blood phased through the two of them as it was blasted in all directions by the girl with her name. Echidna's smile widened a little.
"Just die."
"It isn't me, Echidna."
"This is wonderful to watch," Echidna said, a smile glimmering on her face.
"Just die."
"Fine, it's me!" Emilia shouted, earning a surprised expression from the white-haired woman, "I accept the past. I accept it."
Memories of elves dripped into her mind. Then they flowed unabated. So many elves. Each with a story of their own. Tears dripped down Emilia's face. If this girl was really her, then she'd frozen everyone, destroying their lives.
Maybe it was her, a younger version of her…
She put her hand to her chest. The adrenaline-filled beating of her heart pawed at her mind.
"She's me Echidna," She whispered.
But if she is a younger version, then those memories I don't have made her someone else. What if I accept this, and come out a different Emilia?
Rem and Ram… they'd hate me again… and Subaru he'd hate me. They can barely tolerate me now. But-
They expect me to clear this trial. To surpass it. If I leave without accepting it, then they'll be disappointed… but if I fail, they'll hate me.
Emilia sank to her knees. Her hands ran through her silver hair, landing on her temples. Little strands of silver tore out when she gripped her hands.
"I accept it. I accept it. I accept it. I accept it. Echidna I accept it," The girl kept her eyes closed. Holding herself from looking at the witch.
Though after a few moments she cracked open her eyes. She found Echidna staring down at her, an odd mix of enjoyment and disgust plain on her face.
"Stop lying."
"Echidna I'm not… I accept it," She pushed conviction into her words. She could hear it. She could hear how resolved she was. There wasn't hesitation. There wasn't fear. None of that entered her voice.
But Echidna's enjoyment drained away, leaving only disgust.
"I declare this trial a failure. Run back to whatever little whorish activities you get up to," Echidna brought her hand to the side.
"I accept," Emilia grabbed onto Echidna's dress.
A sneer grew on the Witch's face.
"I rescind my statement. You aren't a whore. You're just someone pretending to be one," The woman snapped her hand out, and pushed Emilia from the trial.
Rem waited with bated breath. Her vision darted around the doors of the trial room. Searching for any sign that indicated how the trial was going. But nothing happened. The tomb remained its same glowing blue color, while Subaru stood almost like a statue.
After another few moments, she realized once more it was pointless. That realization pushed her attention somewhere else. The maid reached into her mind, looking for anything to do. But other than Subaru standing next to her, or Emilia undergoing the trial ahead of her, all that Rem could focus on was the connection to her sister.
Pushing all her mental energy into her Synesthesia, Rem tried to discover what was happening to her older twin. Though she wasn't successful. All she could sense was a faint sadness. Along with something akin to… interference. That was the only word she could come up with to describe it.
It took the maid a moment to figure out what was going on.
A second later, she figured it out. Ram was blocking her emotions from reaching her. She was smothering any connection Rem may have had to her. Although her sister's love for her remained.
It was easy to figure out why Ram would hide her emotions. Rem's vision landed on Subaru, and she saw the pain in his brown eyes.
The agony.
The anguish.
The despair.
He was keeping a lid of strength over all those things. Though like always, he could never hide his true emotions, as long as one knew where to look. And Rem knew exactly the place. Right in his eyes, you could always see something in them.
And all that pain was so clear. She could see it in stark detail through the cloudy tears in his eyes.
What happened to you? Rem had no idea what could have lowered Subaru to this extent. She'd never seen him this fearful.
She watched him for a moment, before her perspective on Subaru shifted.
Natsuki Subaru was human. He had flaws. He made mistakes. He was afraid of things that caused him pain. And he had painful memories, ones that still haunted him.
The concept of painful memories brought a bit of ash into her nose, but seeing Subaru in similar agony reminded her she wasn't alone.
Her guilt lightened. At the same time, the tomb's light dimmed. Subaru's glazed eyes snapped back into reality. He watched the tomb, waiting for Emilia to return.
Rem followed his eyes and did the same.
For a few moments, the two stood in silence, until one of Emilia's footsteps echoed out from the long hallway. Another soon followed after. Then a long pause. Another footstep. Another pause.
A step.
A short pause.
Another few steps.
As the steps piled up, Emilia's hunched form came into her vision.
"No…" The word fell from Rem's throat before her mind even realized what was happening.
Weeping joined the sound of frail footfalls.
Emilia, holding her hand to her lips, walked out of the hallway. Rem rushed up the steps to the girl. Not focusing on Subaru's demeanor as he walked behind her.
"Emilia, are you alright?" Rem put her hands on Emilia's. Right on time for the girl's knees to buckle and give out beneath her.
"I accept it, Echidna. Echidna. I accept it. I'm not lying to you Echidna, please…" The girl's short rant trailed off. Emilia's purple eyes lost their focus, and the half-elf stared through Rem. It was easy to tell she was staring into her own mind.
Rem struggled for something to say, after a moment she came up empty.
"Emilia," Subaru finally reached the top of the staircase.
Rem turned to him and saw a cold suspicion glowing in his eyes. He looked down on Emilia, almost with prejudice, his eyes softened when they landed on her.
"Subaru? Rem? What's going on?" Emilia asked.
Rem was silent for a moment, as was Subaru.
"Oh…" Emilia noticed their silence, her eyes dropped, "I failed the trial didn't I?"
"Yes," Subaru responded without hesitation, but it wasn't because he was fearless. He was trying to cover his fear, his suspicion, his pain.
Emilia kept her eyes on the ground.
"But everyone was expecting me to pass, so they could escape," Emilia said.
"Yes," Subaru's answer was again unhesitating. But with the lack of words, it was easy to tell how much despair consumed him.
Rem didn't know what to think of the situation. She had no idea what to say to Emilia, or to Subaru.
"I…" Fear rang true in Emilia's voice. She was even worse at hiding it than Subaru.
Subaru should handle this, he knows Emilia better than I do. Emilia had been able to find Subaru, and they'd only found Emilia through Ram.
And it was only Subaru's faith in Emilia, and her desire to protect Subaru that had led her to even challenging the trial a second time.
Even if Subaru is just human, he's still better than Rem… Something about that thought felt off to her, but she couldn't tell what.
In any case, she didn't make any choices, instead, she let Subaru decide what was the best course of action.
"What is it?" Subaru said, curt once again.
"I… can take the trial again… if you really need me to," Emilia said, forcing out each word.
"Alright then," Subaru reached over, and picked the girl up, "Stand up. You can do this, Emilia."
The silver-haired girl nodded. Rem stepped away from the girl. She had no idea what she should be thinking right now. Or how she should feel about the situation. The trial scared Emilia. But Subaru's entire being was filled with terror.
The maid found herself silent, caught between two terrified people, as Emilia turned around to walk back into the long hallway.
"She'll pass," Rem said. She didn't know if she believed it. After that last attempt, the purple-eyed girl needed rest, not to challenge the trial right away again. But Subaru knew what was best. He may be afraid like her and Emilia. In the end though, he knew better than they did.
Subaru always knew exactly what was happening, and exactly what had to be done.
And yet the sight of Emilia's form shambling back into the trial room shook her faith.
Subaru stared at Emilia's back as the light of the trial room grew.
Is this the right decision? He dissected his action in his mind. Emilia wasn't ready to take the trial again, not so soon. That didn't change the situation though. Everyone in Sanctuary needed to get out.
Staying for Capella to torture them wasn't an option. A burning hell rekindled itself in his mind, he pushed it away. He couldn't let what he'd experienced happen to them.
It was everyone suffering through Capella's torture. Or it was Emilia running into the same wall over and over again. Maybe given enough tries, she'd find a way forward.
Subaru looked down at his trembling hand and turned it into a fist. Finding a way forward, through enough repetition. It could be done. He was a testament to that idea.
But of course, that didn't keep the guilt from piercing his heart. Didn't keep the tears from welling up in his eyes.
Emilia hadn't asked for this. She'd been terrified. She hadn't wanted to repeat again, and again, and again. Why should she be expected to do that… even when she was so afraid?
The thought that when he first made his contract with Echidna he'd been the same, didn't cross his mind once.
But it's necessary. She needs to face her past. If she can face her past she can face the others. She can do it. But- No, believe in her. If I'd believed in her from the start she would have done it on the first try.
Regret joined his guilt. Alongside all the other pain within him. He held it off though.
It wouldn't help him find a way out.
"Remember who did this to you."
He-no-everyone here couldn't face Capella. They all needed to leave. Staying wasn't an option.
So he strengthened his mind and confirmed his resolve. Over the next few loops, he didn't know how many times he would have to see Emilia's teary eyes. He would need to be ready for it each time.
"Emilia…" He whispered aloud. Her face appeared in his mind. Her terrified face.
I forced her to do something. I forced her to try and be like me… I caused her to suffer. I should be taking on their suffering, not making them take on my suffering.
Subaru's vision cleared up, and for a moment his fear disappeared. For a moment he saw.
He turned to the blue-haired maid next to him, "Rem, Emilia needs to take a break before she attempts the trial again."
In this moment of clarity, he tried to fix his mistake.
Rem hesitated for a moment before nodding, "R-I agree, Subaru-kun."
"Rem, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused today," Subaru said, still stunned by the complete lack of negative emotions within him.
"It's alright, Subaru-kun," Rem offered him a reassuring smile.
After a few moments of being able to hold his calm together Capella's memories came rushing back. Red filled his eyes. It wasn't a real sight, but alongside the iron taste rushing from his tongue to his mind it unnerved him. Adding to the terror he felt as his calm frayed.
"Ah…" He buckled to the ground.
"Subaru-kun!" In a moment, Rem was next to him, her hands wrapped around his to stop himself from clawing at his arms.
After a few moments submerged in memories all at once, he began to recover. His breathing trembled, though less than a second ago. His wits returned, albeit at a slow pace.
"Let us start here. From square one. No, from zero."
"Ha…" Subaru pulled air into his lungs and regained his breath.
It was an even more difficult task to stand up, but with the help of Rem, he managed it. Capella's face filled his mind, her blonde hair hung over his eyes, and her lips brushed against his ear. Her warm breath, along with her somehow soft words, pierced his mind.
Subaru pushed the woman aside and gripped his knees. He kept them there, as he turned to view Echidna's tomb.
The bright turquoise light had disappeared. He shook Rem off of him, then walked toward the hallway where Emilia was going to be stepping out.
"Remember who did this to you." It was difficult for him to summon the resolve to care about Emilia, but he had gained some new memories since his torture. He was able to balance it out a little, as it was farther away than it had been when he first looped.
Rem stood at his side, ready to hold him up at a moment's notice. A little bit of gratitude rose in his heart, though only in the space where his horrid memories didn't reach.
Fortunately, Emilia's footsteps resounded from the trial room to stop him from falling back into those memories. He looked toward Rem once more, so he didn't drown in them when Emili exited the trial room.
"Rem… Subaru…" Emilia called out. Her voice quivered.
Next to him, Rem's expression dropped. And even in this state a bit of guilt shot into his chest.
"Emilia," Subaru whispered.
The silver-haired girl moved into the light, her eyes danced around in terror. For a second he wondered if that was what his own eyes looked like.
"Subaru," The girl stumbled and wrapped her arms around his neck, "I… I'm sorry." She wept into his shoulder.
"Remember who-" Subaru found some of his resolve, and shut Capella's voice up.
He pushed away his memories, and wrapped his arms around Emilia.
She doesn't hate me. He realized. She may not have cared about him that far, but she cared.
Emilia cared. It was difficult to remember, so so difficult. But still, he let her cry into his shoulder.
Garfiel's feet stomped into the ground. He choked back a snarl.
"Calm down, Garf, your anger makes you look even less attractive," Ram criticized with a normal joking insult of hers.
"Shut up," Garfiel's fingers ached from clenching his fists too much, "My amazin' self is only letting you try and protect Sanctuary. If I get one whiff that you or that merchant ain't working with Sanctuary's best interests at heart, then-"
Ram's scowl turned from joking to real, and a dangerous tint came into her eyes, "Don't threaten Barusu or my sister."
Garfiel's frown deepened. Ram didn't express anger with stuff like that. She'd act polite and then do something bad to you. Her acting like this was suspicious, to say the least.
In his anger, the boy never thought that she was just stressed. Trouble that low didn't even come into his mind when Sanctuary was in trouble.
He focused on their destination. If what that Subaru guy had said was true then he wouldn't be able to win the coming fight, but that guy was… not right in the head. He was underhanded. He bypassed and trampled on everyone around him without even telling them why.
The tiger only trusted his word because Ram backed it up. But even right now, he barely, barely, trusted her.
So when they arrived at the church, and Ram brought Otto outside, Garfiel had to rub his scar. Though it did little to calm his rage.
Heavy bags hung from Otto's unfocused eyes. Nothing about him looked all that threatening. Except as he got more and more alert, while Ram dragged him along, his blue irises grew piercing. It was the gaze of someone weighing. Judging.
Garfiel's anger took it as the gaze of an enemy and not the gaze of a merchant. The blonde boy's teeth sunk into his lip, breaking the skin, spilling a bit of blood into his mouth.
"What is it, Ram-san?" The gray-haired man asked.
"According to Barusu, Sanctuary is in danger. And we need your help getting him to be more forthright about what he knows," Ram said.
Otto tilted his head, "Why isn't he being open to you?"
"Something happened to him," Ram answered.
Garfiel shook his head. That was understating it, "I thought he was just afraid. But 's somethin' else."
"So you don't know what happened to Natsuki-san?" Otto's tiredness faded.
Ram shook her head, trying to hide her pain. Maybe Garfiel should have helped her. But Sanctuary was in trouble, something like that didn't matter as much right now. Either the Sin Archbishop of Lust was going to try to destroy the place, or Subaru was going to do something.
"Alright, so whatever happened means you can't help him, and he's acting suspiciously?" Otto guessed.
This guy is dangerous. Garfiel took note of Otto's incredible ability to figure out the situation only from that bit of information.
"Ha, what were you listening to my conversation with Garf earlier? Pervert merchant. How degenerate of you," Ram insulted, but gratitude hid beneath the surface.
"Well then, Natsuki-san needs our help," Otto said, formulating some kind of plan in his head.
Garfiel's forehead tightened as his eyebrows twisted down. His nails pressed into his hands. The gaze in Otto's eyes was manipulative, dangerous. He rubbed his scar. He couldn't take any action without talking to one of the pink-haired Ryuzus.
A moment later Otto started asking Ram questions. Garfiel tuned them out for a moment. Otherwise, he may have snapped at their planning. Hiding in the shadows making plans about someone. Even if it was about Subaru, it still pissed Garfiel off to see. Especially since they could twist around and plot against Sanctuary with little trouble.
Garfiel couldn't stand to watch this anymore. He didn't want to get himself into a situation where killing might come to the table.
"My amazin' self's gonna go make sure there isn't somethin' that Subaru guy missed," Garfiel kept his fury bottled up long enough to get that formality out of the way. But didn't wait for any response from them before walking off.
He kept his back turned to the two cautious gazes boring into him.
Need to find granny. He raced through the forest. Looking for a pink-haired Ryuzu.
After a few minutes, he heard a voice.
"Young Gar."
At his nickname, Garfiel pushed his heels into the ground, stopping in place.
"Granny? Where are ya?" He looked around until a young-looking woman with pink hair stepped out from behind a tree.
"So tell me about what has happened with the newcomers," Ryuzu said. A white robe clothed her, "I can help you decide the best course of action, young Gar."
Emilia woke to a dark room. A tiny hint of moonlight streamed through the curtains, but from the lack of any sunlight, it was easy to figure out dawn was still far off. The girl sat up in her bed, trying to keep the images from her trial out of her mind.
After what had happened the first time she'd taken the trial she knew trying to sleep wouldn't work. The images roiling within her mind were too much. There was no getting around it. So she got out of her bed.
She made sure to not disturb Subaru and Rem who were sleeping on the floor on either side of her bed. Once she got outside, she took a walk.
No sense of direction or purpose controlled her steps. She walked wherever felt right.
Time passed her unnoticed. She didn't take note of its passing until she arrived at the church. The silver-haired girl didn't know why she'd come here, but even so, she was here. She stood by the window and stared inside.
Each one of the people inside was in a deep sleep. Peace reigned on their faces.
Subaru said the Sin Archbishop would attack tomorrow night. The half-elf remembered his words while breath passed through everyone's lungs.
"They're all expecting me to pass the trials. Rem is expecting me to pass," Her pale hand touched the glass before her, then tightened into a fist. Her knuckles turned from pale to white. She held her legs from shaking and turned. Right to the direction of Echidna's tomb, "Subaru needs me to pass."
The silver-haired girl strode toward that stone hallway. She pushed a smile onto her trembling lips.
"Everyone is expecting this of me. I can do it."
It wasn't long before the girl's shoes cracked on the sand of a clearing. She blinked through tears as a gray castle stood across from her. The gaping hallway at its entrance was inviting in a way. Though at the same time it caused Emilia's knees to buckle.
She forced her lips up further and rose to the top of the steps. Once there, she entered the opening.
A tear rolled down her face. When it splashed on the ground the tomb's glow lit.