Isekai'd, My Posterior!
The silence that reigned over the space that William, the three Daughter's of Chaos and Eingyi occupied, was equivalent to the surprise Haru felt when Legoshi finally dropped his trousers to the ground in that shabby love hotel. Although, whilst everyone else in the room were staring agape at how Oscar's face looked as if it had been brutally dick-slapped by a Taurus Demon, William was wondering how exactly Kirk remained so cool despite being an undead in a room with not one but two topless goddesses each day of his traitorous life – which brought him to two very simple conclusions.
He was either completely gay or that dent in the armor covering his groin was due to uncontrollable stiffies. The undead was leaning more toward the latter for obvious reasons. Besides, he had been personally sporting a hard-on for the Knight of Thorns ever since he had been invaded by the NPC years ago. Seriously, that armor and backstory had been sick as fluff.
"Let him go Kirk," Quelaag spoke in her gruff, yet elegant voice, once again sending pleasant shivers down William's spine. Never had he thought the power of one's voice could be so orgasmic. Now he knew why girls loved Johnny Depp so much. "the knight is no longer an enemy of ours."
"No longer an enemy of yours, you mean." The Darkwraith countered smoothly, each syllable he spoke like rich velvet to the ears. Kirk turned his glowing helmet toward a still whimpering Oscar.
"Whether he is a foe of mine will have to be decided."
"Son of a bitch, you could talk this whole time?!"
Quelaag and Kirk turned their heads to gaze at William quizzically. The undead stood next to the redhead panting, an astounded look on his otherwise smug features.
"Why didn't you say anything sooner, eh? Do you know how many times I tried to give you a thumbs up for that armor whilst you were attempting to hack my guts to pieces by rolling into me? And now I hear you speaking in phantom form. When has that been a thing?!"
"Mithdreth could 'awk." Oscar offered helpfully.
"Whazzat, buddy?" William frowned before turning to Kirk. "Could you let him go already? You've already violated his face. What more do you want? A visit to his annex?"
Kirk tilted his head and looked at Quelaag.
"Who's this idiot?"
"I find the term 'crazed auxiliary' a better description." The undead chipped in as the phantom shoved the Astorian his way. Quelana merely rolled her eyes next to her now dozing sister as she watched the conversation take place. Even in moments of near-death, the silver-haired undead still behaved like an idiot. Did he even care that Kirk would fashion his broken bones into an assortment of grotesque accessories if he was thoroughly ticked off?
"Why, that is William." All heads swerved to Eingyi, who had been quiet until now. "The savior of our Fair Lady's health!"
"Thank you Eingyi, I'm glad somebody appreciates me." The Thief huffed as he helped his friend to drink Estus. The Egg-carrier and the undead shared a brotherly grin at one another before William's gaze found the webbed eggs still covering the older man's back. "And get that conglomerate of ballsack's off your back, will you."
"Yes, of course."
Oscar gasped in a grateful amount of air through his repaired lungs before turning to his friend with a pout that better suited a troll.
"I appreciate you."
William tapped him on the back in faux gladness, "of course you do. Now, what were you saying earlier?"
"Hm? Oh. I meant to say that Mildred spoke to us before."
"She did?" the undead frowned and thought back. After finding the memory and being hit with a second wave of realization, he snapped his fingers and smiled widely.
"Hey, she did!" Oscar nodded before William made a funny face. "Then why didn't the other phantom's I've met say anything?"
"Probably because you act like an idiot." Quelana muttered with a nod as she stroked her sister's ivory hair.
"Nah, I just think Leeroy was a dipshit. I mean he walked on me like I was a fleshy carpet."
"Why wasn't I there to see it?" the eldest daughter of Chaos mouthed wistfully whilst William cocked an eyebrow.
"Are you a sadist too?"
Quelana choked on her spit in reply as Quelaag clamped a hand against her mouth to hold back her laughter. This undead was really growing on her.
Kirk sighed out in annoyance. He had decided to drop by in order to evade the agitating demands of his master, but now he felt as if listening to that nihilistic snake would have been easier than watching this torture play out.
"Anyways, getting back to business…" the undead said and dusted his hands leisurely. The plan had been executed flawlessly. All three Izalith Sister's were in the same room without wanting to tear the other's throat out and so was the enigmatic Darkwraith Commander he had a fanboy boner for. The only thing left to do in completion of this familial orgy was venture forth and finish a task that would surely see himself on the 'threesome ending' should his performance be stellar.
"Oscar, I have a job for you."
"What is it, friend?" the knight asked in curiosity as he put his helm back on. William smiled and threw his arm over the man's pauldron.
"I need you to ring the bell."
"Oh." Oscar said in disappointment.
"And then head back to Firelink. We're going to raid the Undead Burg like a handsy security guard at an airport terminal that just happened to see a busty lingerie model in the distance."
"I… have no clue what that means." The knight said, raising a finger.
"I'll explain when next we meet. Really, talking about Mia Khalifa will get even your delayed loins stirring… hopefully." The Thief patted his friend on the shoulder before leading him toward the stairs, "see you later, old chap."
The spectators around them watched as the Astorian ascended the stairway in confusion. The sound of his mildly heavy footsteps began to recede until the sound of an enormous church bell rang out, causing a flurry of dust to fall from the mud walls around them – incidentally, making William's sinuses act up.
"Ah… uhh- ACHOO!" the undead blared before wiping his nose with his sleeve and turning around to stare at the Milf and the Chaos Witch.
It was almost dreamlike with the way they kept their confused and mostly innocent gazes trained on him like that. If this were his deluded fantasy, this would be the threesome of his life. Luckily for William, however, this was as close to his deluded fantasy as he would get. Thus… he needed to do a good deed that would at least end in him receiving a wicked make-out session with the redhead – with tongue. And that good deed would most likely end in him dying at least half a dozen times before it worked out in his favor.
William mentally shrugged. If the end reward was some hanky-panky, who was he to complain.
"Alright! Now that all nuisances have left the building, we can get down to the dirty details." He said, rubbing his hands together salaciously.
"To think poor Oscar calls you his closest comrade." Quelana shook her head sadly as she placed her snoozing younger sister against a comfortable wall of webbed eggs, aided by Eingyi.
"Yeah, well, I didn't ask to be rescued from that cell."
"You mean he freed you from prison and you still treat him like dirt?" the Milf's eyes bugged out of her adorable skull.
"And in return I saved his life after a boulder crushed his bones to liquid soup." The undead cleaned his fingernails on his clothing before walking up to the dark hole against the far side of the room. "surely, enduring my crass attitude and bleak perspective is the courtesy he could pay me, right?"
"You're a hopeless fool." Quelana shook her head in resignation.
William grinned. "And yet you still want to jump my bones. Ironic much?"
Her face flared crimson whilst Quelaag hid her mirth-filled smirk behind her clawed hands. Kirk, meanwhile, busied himself on checking the state of the Fair Lady. William watched the phantom appraise Quelaan's health and decided to voice a question that had been on his mind for a long time.
"So, did you defect from the Darkwraith's because you fell in love, or was it something more akin to an epic epiphany?"
Kirk's hand twitched from its place next to Quelaan's ear, a lock of mercury hair loosely draped over his index finger. There was a sudden shift in the atmosphere that left William feeling like he had just walked into a pedophilic professor's office and seen a row of different whips and faux-fur covered wrist bindings hung on the wall before the door slammed shut spontaneously.
A thin bead of sweat ran down his temple. Now he knew what Sasuke must have felt like every time he was summoned by Orochimaru.
"And how would a nameless Thief know of my defection?" Kirk asked softly as he gently dropped Quelaan's hair from his finger and rose to full height, turning on his heel like he was the Creepypasta version of MacJagger before walking up to stare William in the face.
Despite the 'holy-shit-I'm-gonna-die' moment going on in the undeads mind as the Knight of Thorns lazily drifted a hand down to his sword, a cocky smirk seemed to flit to the Thief's face as easily as a meth addict slipping a thrice-used syringe between his toes.
"I found out about the Fair Lady, didn't I?"
"And your point?" Kirk countered.
"That if I can convince the Milf of Pyromancy to reunite with the boob-a-licious Chaos Witch whilst healing your Fair Lady of her infection like the boss I am, knowing about your little crush on a half-spider goddess is child's play." William thumbed his nose casually as he swung his head to the side before grinning like a buffoon and peering at the phantom from the corner of his eye.
"Savvy?"
His smirk remained on from the moment Kirk took a respectful step back, to the second Quelaag uttered an amused chuckle next to her flabbergasted elder sister.
"Devotion." The Barbed Knight said finally as he withdrew a banishing crystal from his side. "not love."
"Is there really a difference at this point?" William tossed his hair over his shoulder as the phantom retreated to the stairs. He enjoyed the way it tickled the bare strip of flesh on his back caused by his earlier abrasion of Pyromancy.
"Hn," the ex-Darkwraith replied and crushed the crystal in his hand. A swirl of dark energy surrounded him for a moment, warping his form before he just… vanished.
William took that moment to sigh out in relief and clutch his rapidly beating heart. That had been extremely intense whilst also being immensely awesome at the same time. He was so going to get Kirk's autograph before he left to sip grog and eat humungous clams in Ash Lake like some wealthy entrepreneur.
"You better hold onto this one, Quelana." The undead turned around to see a grinning Quelaag with her hands wrapped around her body, inching closer and closer to the raw expanse of flesh bisecting her hips. He raised an eyebrow at her heavy panting and flushed cheeks.
Had he just made Quelaag grow a lady boner for his undoubtedly sexy self? Secondly… could she even use those fingers appropriately without the lower half of her body? Or maybe she still did possess her lower half, it was just sunk into that red crevice on the arachnid she was connected to? Interesting questions he would need to properly evaluate once he and her had some alone time together. A perverted grin made its way onto his cheeks.
"If you don't make a move, I might take him for myself." The Chaos Witch licked her lips sensually and the undead shivered uncontrollably, almost feeling her claws rake over his bare chest.
He took back everything he had said fifteen chapters ago. He was grateful to whichever morbid moron that had decided to bring him here just so that he could take one for humanity and bang a Chaos Daughter into insanity.
"S-S-Sister?!" Quelana exclaimed, her face brightening as she saw Quelaag's ripe nipples growing into hardened buds.
"You heard the babe, Quelie. Better snag me and drain me dry before I'm made into a whipped boy-toy with a ball gag constantly fitted to my mouth."
The Mother of Pyromancer shot a half-hearted glare to a winking William before she covered her face with her hands. As much as she wanted to deny it, she did feel something for the agonizing undead that tormented her mind with suggestive innuendo. However, as to whether that feeling was of a more… sensual nature or just plain aggravation, she had yet to discover.
"Oh, I wouldn't restrain that delectable voice of yours." The redhead said, twirling a strand of her hair around her finger innocently. "How else would I get to hear the sounds you'll most likely make under my touch?"
"Ssss! Woman, where have you been all my life?"
Quelaag grinned deviously as the undead gave her a wink.
"Oh, for the love of Izalith." Quelana shook her head and turned to Eingyi, who had just managed to rid himself of the eggs populating his old spine. He sighed out in relief before turning to her, his expression explaining that he obviously hadn't been listening to a word being spoken in the last few minutes.
"Excuse me… Eingyi, was it?"
"Yes, indeed, my Lady." The Pyromancer bowed his head with a wise smile.
"Could you please assist me in helping my sister back to her chamber? Her innocent ears shouldn't be attuned to… whatever this is." She said, motioning to William and Quelaag happily chatting to one another over which was better between shackles and wooden paddles with metal studs.
"As you wish." The ex-egg carrier responded before she and him held onto a spider leg each, directing the still awake lower half of Quelaan to her place across from the bonfire.
Quelana muttered to herself as she looked back at a happily laughing William. What a strange, egotistical, self-absorbed, ignoble, yet deviously amazing fool this undead was. Despite her hatred for the man, she couldn't help but allow a smile to crack her gentle features.
And she thought Salaman had been a handful. Who was she saying the fool was, again?