Shattered Kasaneru Chapter 27: The Shadow of Greed, a re:zero fanfic

Subaru gazed into the depths of the trial hallway. Emilia's terrified footsteps reverberated to him. His vision dropped to the floor. He didn't want to look at the full purple of Emilia's eyes.

Not after those same empty irises had watched him die.

"Liar, Subaru you liar. Why did all of you lie… Puck," Emilia's broken voice came from his side.

Subaru didn't look up at the girl. Nothing about her voice made him want to.

"Remember who did this to you."

Emilia had chosen him. She was naive, she couldn't have known it wouldn't hurt. She'd been willing to consign him to the same pain Ram had.

He turned his eyes to the blue-haired maid who'd rushed to Emilia's side. And Rem… she hadn't had the chance to consign him to torture.

Subaru closed his eyes for a moment, then forced his face into his old neutral expression. It was no use showing them his pain. None of them would listen. They'd cast him aside the moment it was beneficial.

He blinked faster than normal for a few seconds. The tears in his eyes needed to be cleared away. He exerted pressure on his lips to push their downward tilt back to a line. Then by stretching his arms he expunged the shaking from his breath.

Subaru needed to be neutral. Needed to be perfect. So that none of them would pretend to be worried. As long as he didn't have to endure their false concern he could liberate Sanctuary.

A sob rose at the back of his throat. Before it could escape he shoved it down. Then he walked toward his destination. He descended the steps, passing a confused Garfiel, and an aloof Ryuzu. He couldn't bear to check Ram's expression. And Otto's face was something he didn't know what to make of.

"Barusu, where are you going?"

"I need to talk to Ros," He responded, monotone.

Ram tilted her head for a moment, then said, "Well then I'll come aswel-"

"No. This is a conversation just between me and Ros," Subaru said.

He finished descending the steps before Ram could respond. Once he reached the treeline he pawed at his face, confirming his suspicions. His lips had tilted down, tears had welled up in his eyes, and he had to sniffle.

"Fuck…" He whispered.

After a second he found a solution to his predicament. Walking further into the forest, so he was out of everyone's sight he found a tree. He placed his hands on it as he took a deep breath to focus himself.

He pulled his head away from the tree. A moment later he bashed his skull into the trunk. Then he gripped what little pain he could feel. Using it he forced his face back into its neutral position.

With a few seconds more of breathing, he resumed his trek to Roswaal's cabin.

His tears watered the forest floor.

Ram watched Subaru walk into the trees. His body moved with all the energy of a puppet. She didn't know how to feel about what had happened. There had been no emotion on his face, or in his bearing. But in his eyes, he'd seemed so melancholic.

Concern filled her. Subaru had shifted from his normal state to someone so cold and pained in a moment. Something had happened to him. She wasn't going to let him face it alone.

"Where are you going, Ram-san?" Otto asked when she put her foot onto the next step.

The maid turned to him, "It has nothing to do with you," Ram shook her head, "Are all merchants this nosy, or are you particularly horrible?"

Otto's neck dropped, though Ram could tell he was faking his despair from her insult. After a moment he lifted his head, looking past her, "Natsuki-san needs someone to help him, doesn't he?"

"Yes," Ram said, surprised at the glint in Otto's eyes. It was a determined expression. Not once had she ever seen its like from Otto.

Without another word, Otto descended the steps and walked into the forest. Though he didn't take the same route Subaru had. Maybe he was leaving Subaru to her for now.

You are an odd man, Otto. Ram didn't know if she could trust him, but he'd looked determined, not dangerous.

In any case, Ram didn't give it much more thought. She turned around to check on Rem and Emilia. When she figured out they were both alright she pursued Subaru.

"Will thiiiiiis be the one?" Roswaal asked himself.

He rubbed his hand along the black cover of his book. His lifeblood. The thing that had guided him through these four centuries. Had he missed his window? Had the golden opportunity passed him by? He wasn't sure.

The man had no idea which loop it was, or even if any loops had passed. Was this the first? Would Subaru never come, not expecting anything, or would he burst through that door. Roswaal's eyes scanned the wood that separated him from the outside world.

Would Subaru break that separation, and if he did, who would be with him? Would he bring Ram, would he bring someone else? Or would he come alone? Roswaal's hand tightened on the gospel's side. Best not to think about that last one.

If Subaru came alone, then the golden loop had passed Roswaal by. He would never have the chance to replace the gospel with Subaru during Sanctuary. He would have to follow its writ.

The worst outcome, for he knew how horrible the gospel's orders were. But most of all, he knew he would follow them. He was too weak to decide for himself, so he needed either Subaru or the gospel to do it for him.

"Teaaaaacher…" He whispered, longing in his chest. How he wished he could just speak to his teacher now.

He could say what he wanted to say, then he could die. Maybe dying would have been better than what the words of his guiding text contained. But he'd come too far. He couldn't die. No matter how much he wished to. Maybe if Subaru came through that door, and tried to kill him, then Roswaal wouldn't resist.

Or he'd try to resist, but he wouldn't really. Maybe he'd do something villainous, threaten someone. Drive Subaru to do it, then let himself die. Then Subaru might find a way to defend or evacuate Sanctuary. Without him, it might all turn out alright.

But he'd come too far to let that happen now. Too far. He couldn't let the deaths of his children be for nothing.

To confirm his resolve Roswaal pulled open the book his teacher had gifted to him. Inside he found scrawled words which told of the future. He flipped to the pages that mentioned Sanctuary. He knew how to find them without even thinking. Then once more, he reread the pages which told him what to do.

As he read the words tear-stained words his eyes grew blurry, then new wet spots appeared on the page. Roswaal put the book behind his pillow.

For the next section of time, which he didn't bother keeping track of, Roswaal stared at his hands. Once during this segment temptation almost took him. He almost reached his hands up to his chest. He almost readied his mana. He almost blew his chest apart.

His eyes flicked to the window in front of him. The moon was nearing the position as described in the gospel. The time for Subaru to come through that door was close.

Roswaal forced a deep breath into his lungs. He tried to calm himself. But it wouldn't work, so he only concealed his lack of calm. Maybe he looked sane. Maybe he looked villainous. Right now he didn't much care.

After a minute, he stilled his face, then stared out the window once more. He met his face to the moon's own. "How much easier it must be. Tell me, are you weak?" Roswaal asked the moon.

It didn't respond. He didn't know what he'd been expecting. Instead of thinking about it further, Roswaal stretched his hand out. Covering the moon with his pale skin. "Ah, I've coooome too far. Sacrificed tooooo many people. Grace and Dudley. The oni. All my children. So maaaany. I haaaaave to go through with it. I haaaave to follow it. I can't make their sacrifices mean something on my own."

The moon reached the spot the gospel told of. Roswaal dropped his hand, and instead only watched the moon. For the next few minutes, Subaru didn't come. For that he was thankful. A minute was all he dared. All the time he dared hope this wasn't the loop.

If this wasn't the loop then he wouldn't have to do it. He could leave that role to some future version of himself. They could carry the burden. They could do this horrible deed.

Time slipped by him. Until the front door of his cabin opened. Roswaal steeled himself.

Please let there be two. He directed his eyes to the door. Please two people, come through that door.

Steps resounded out through the hallway. He didn't let himself think of how many people were walking outside.

He closed his eyes until the door creaked open. It didn't burst open. It was soft. A set of footsteps moved into the room.

Roswaal opened his eyes. All that lay before him was Subaru.

The Margrave barely kept his head from dropping. Meeting Subaru's eyes was near impossible. Roswaal saw the pain in them.

"Ah, so you've cooooooooome alone, Subaru-kun?" Roswaal asked. He somehow held his voice from shaking.

The boy clothed in a noble suit stared at him for a moment before responding, "Yes."

"Weeeeell then, what would you like to talk to me about?" Roswaal forced a smile onto his face. He had no idea if Subaru would buy it. Though in reality, he didn't even know if he'd managed the smile. It felt more painful, excruciating even, than uplifting.

Subaru didn't answer for a few seconds, then said, "There is no way to overcome what threatens Sanctuary. So I'm going to break us all out of here."

"Ahhh. Sooooo it has been quite a few loops here, hasn't it been?" Roswaal said. This was it then, no doubt about it.

He'd have to do as the book ordered, he had no other option, not in this loop. He was the Roswaal he'd wished to push his burdens onto. And the one earlier incarnations of himself had put the burden on.

Now he only had to wait. Then he would do it. He hated himself for being sure he would do it.

"Yes, I've done this a few times. Learned a lot of things. This conversation doesn't really need to last long, does it?" Subaru said.

Roswaal shook his head, "Maybe a little looooonger than you would think. I just neeeed to ask, what will you do?"

"I'll…" He hesitated, his eyes watering, then he blinked away that water. He did it fast enough Roswaal almost doubted he'd seen tears, "I'll take the trials, and liberate Sanctuary."

"Ahhhhh, so youuuuuu've truly seen the things you needed to haven't you?" Roswaal hated himself for letting those things happen to Subaru. The boy had already been through so much.

Did he really need to go through Capella? Roswaal tightened his jaw, keeping his body still. He suppressed a sob. He suppressed an apology. It would destroy everything this place had instilled within Subaru. It would push him away from the gospel's word, without a true guide to replace it.

His teacher would get so much farther away, and Roswaal couldn't let that happen.

"I've seen a lot of things," Subaru said.

Roswaal could hear how the boy choked up, how much he was hiding. Subaru was either completely alone or nearing isolation.

"The triaaaaaaaals. I wonder if you couuuuuuld beat them," The gospel required him to keep the conversation going. He forced himself to obey it. Each word made him want to end it all a little more. And each pause between words made him remember everyone he'd sacrificed.

"If you do something enough times, you figure it out eventually, Ros. All I need to do is take them again and again," Subaru's face scrunched up, "If I take them a thousand times, I'll pass them."

Roswaal stared at the boy. So I'll have to do this over and over again as well. Well, I only have to do it once. Then the next Roswaal will do it once. Then the next. I only have to do it once, you have to do it thousands of times. Natsuki Subaru.

Roswaal wanted to reach out to the boy, but he couldn't. His gospel didn't include it. I'm truly sorry, for everything you must go through.

The door to the cabin opened. Roswaal's heart sank into his chest. It was time.

Subaru turned to the door, where Ram stood. Terror grew in the boy's eyes, but he suppressed it.

I'm sorry, Natsuki Subaru. In the doorway stood a pink-haired woman.

"Barusu, what are you doing?" Ram asked.

"I needed to speak to Ros about some things. There wasn't much though," Subaru spoke fast, almost tripping over his words.

Roswaal's fist tightened.

"What are you going to do, idiot Barusu?" She asked.

Subaru walked toward the door, "Clear the trials, then get everyone out of this place."

Ram turned to the door and moved to follow him. Roswaal knew he couldn't let her leave, even if he wanted to, "Raaaaaam, can I speak to you for a moment."

"Roswaal-sama, wait I-" She protested for a moment, but Roswaal grabbed her wrist silencing her.

Steeling himself, the man pulled Ram to him. Subaru stared at them from the doorway.

Ram stared at the man with an odd look. Roswaal forced the pain from his body. Forced himself into the right mindset.

I need to see teacher. Their sacrifices needed to be for something. I can't stop now. No matter what. I need to do this.

Roswaal saw that look in Ram's eyes, that fondness that was more than familial. It almost broke him. His eyes flicked over to Subaru.

"Raaaam."

"Roswaal-sama?" Ram's head tilted to the side.

The clown forced his smile to remain, making it as genuine as he could, "I love you."

Ram froze. Her eyes stopped moving, and her lips fell open. The maid had no idea how she was supposed to react.

I'm sorry. Roswaal directed his vision back to Subaru. The boy met his eyes. It pained him, but the clown forced his smile a little wider, pushing a smug hint into it as well.

Subaru's eyes flicked back to Ram, who remained still. Tears welled up in his eyes. Roswaal blinked. When he opened his eyes once more, the boy was gone.

Roswaal pulled Ram into his chest, letting his smile fall. Ram didn't melt into his embrace. She only let herself get pulled into it.

She hadn't accepted his false confession. She didn't know how she should react.

Roswaal held one hand to her back and the other he rubbed through her hair. His mask would drop after a while, and Ram would realize how fake his confession was. But his gospel demanded she stay here for as long as possible.

So the clown ran his hands through the hair of the shocked and confused girl. All the while he held himself from putting his hand up to his chest and yelling Al Goa.

Subaru walked toward the tomb, he had a goal in mind. Something he needed to do. So when he collapsed to his knees a few meters away from Roswaal's cabin he understood he would have to get up.

But he could get up in a minute. For now, he could dig his hands into the dirt. For now, he could let his head rest against the cool forest floor. "Ahhhh…" A soft groan fell from his throat.

"Capella was right," Subaru said, "Why was she right?"

"Why? Why don't any of them actually care? Is it so much to ask for? Am I really asking that much? Just someone who will listen?"

Subaru knew what Echidna would say. She'd tell him that yes, it was far too much to ask. He needed to stand up. To take on their suffering, even when they hated him. Even when they wept.

For a few minutes, he let himself cry, not knowing what the answer was.

After those minutes finished though, he shook his head and pushed himself to his feet. He almost wasn't able to do it. He almost let himself fall back into the dirt to never rise until Capella found him.

Maybe that would have been better. But he remembered the words of a sword demon that everyone but him had forgotten.

"I have to move forward," Subaru said, hoping he would believe it.

Maybe he did a little bit, deep in himself. Maybe that was why he took a small step. Then another, and another, and another.

Subaru shambled forward at a slow pace. He went to where he needed to be, along the way he passed Emilia's cabin. He didn't stop to check on the girl or Rem.

Not after they'd glared down at him with hatred while he'd died. He couldn't face those dull eyes of theirs, not anymore.

Instead of looking at the cabin, he continued.

He didn't notice all the time that passed. Nothing entered his mind until his foot struck sand. A massive stone building appeared in his vision.

His vision jumped around. Garfiel and the Ryuzu were gone.

Subaru reached into himself, pulling up whatever resolve he had left. Then he climbed the steps. The dark hallway of the tomb met him at the top. He wasn't scared of it, not anymore.

Subaru kept traveling forward. After a second he touched the wall on the entrance of the tomb.

He stepped into the hallway. The castle's stone lit. Its glow grew as he neared the door at the end of the hallway.

A voice whispered in his head.

"Ah, so we can't pull you into a tea party. It seems it would count as your fourth, the restrictions are too much. Well isn't that interesting," The voice was patient, "I suppose you'll have to enter a tea party in the final trial."

The woman's words didn't stay in his mind long enough for him to care about them. Right now he was focusing his entire mind on reaching that door.

Sweat covered his face. Or at least he pretended it was sweat.

What am I doing, Emilia needs to do this, right?

"This is what I need to do," Subaru responded to his doubts.

He grabbed the door, pushing it open, then held onto his determination. He only needed another moment. Just a few more steps.

A sob left his throat while he slammed his foot into the center of the room.

"First you must face your past," His own voice said into his mind.

He collapsed to the ground, finally done with walking. Maybe for a few seconds, he could rest, that would be nice…

"Ah…" A short breath came from Subaru's lungs. After a moment he inhaled, pulling oxygen into him. The feeling of air passing through him confirmed life.

With that confirmation, he unwrapped himself from the covers surrounding him, then put his legs out to the floor. He pushed himself up from the couch he'd been sleeping on.

Subaru tilted his head. His surroundings were wrong. But why? They'd been the same for millennia. He stood still for a few more moments, thinking. Until he decided that he was too tired to think about it right now.

In any case, he stood up, brushing any lint off of his suit.

"Why does this feel wrong…?" Subaru put his hand to his face. With his other hand, he grabbed the black necklace draped from his neck.

The jewel was shattered.

Memories shot through his mind.

"AH!" Subaru recoiled from the broken crystal, ripping the cord as he threw it to the floor.

He collided with the cushions of the couch behind him after he'd lost his footing. A recollection of pain consumed his mind. For a moment he left his name by the wayside.

Capella! It was all that filled his mind. There was no space for anything else.

Subaru didn't reclaim his sanity until nearly a minute later. Once his thoughts returned to him he stared at the broken gem on the floor.

"Echidna," Hatred consumed his heart.

Subaru let his rage hold him for a moment. After a minute he shook his head, then stood, "I need to face the past."

He pushed his body toward the door. Once he grabbed the door handle he let himself lean against it for a moment. Clinging to it.

It was difficult to summon up any more strength, but he did. Once he had that strength he opened the door.

"Subaru-sama?" Petra said. She'd been moving to knock on the door when he'd opened it.

"Petra…" Subaru grabbed onto the girl, wrapping her in a hug. She hadn't been responsible for that pain. She hadn't stood above him with hateful eyes.

"Uhhhh… Are you alright, Subaru-sama?" Petra asked, "You sound different than yesterday."

"I don't know about that Petra. But I'm sorry," Tears rolled down Subaru's cheeks, "I'm sorry."

"HEY!" A familiar angry voice shouted out, "Why're you fuckin' cryin'?"

Subaru released Petra, turning himself to the blonde-haired boy.

Garfiel.

"Garfiel-sama?" Petra said.

"Shut yer mouth," Garfiel snapped. Petra shied away from him. Subaru wracked his brain for a way to respond, but nothing came into his mind.

"And what're you thinkin'?" Garfiel grabbed Subaru's collar and slammed him into the wall, anger alight in his eyes.

Subaru struggled for a response to Garfiel. But his thinking only pissed the boy off further. Before Subaru had looped something like this hadn't happened in a few months. It seemed the anger Garfiel had been holding in was coming out now.

The wall cracked behind Subaru as Garfiel kept pushing him into the wall, "Garfiel-sama!" Petra grabbed onto Garfiel's arm, trying to pull him away. Garfiel ignored her, instead focusing all of his anger on Subaru.

As Subaru kept searching his brain for any way out of this situation a thought popped into his mind.

"So you've stopped trying to lie, Garfiel? Finally showing how much you hate me?" Subaru asked.

"Shut the fuck up. I'm not gonna listen to a word out of yer mouth."

"Garfiel-sama," Petra wrapped her body around his arm, attempting to use her weight to pull him away from Subaru, "Please stop."

Garfiel turned his gaze to Petra, "You shut up too," Garfiel put his other arm up to Subaru's collar. Then moved to shake Petra off his arm.

"That's enough."

Garfiel's anger grew he went back to shaking Petra off his arm, but before he could a pale glove rested on his shoulder.

"You motherfucker," Garfiel whispered.

"I understand if you're frustrated," A tall, handsome man said, "You can take it out on me if you wish."

A deep sadness filled Reinhard's voice.

Subaru's mouth worked trying to come up with something to say, but all that came were three words, "I'm sorry, Reinhard."

"Oh," Reinhard's cloudy blue eyes met Subaru's, "I see I've made you feel guilty, I apologize. My failures are too many to name, you may decide your punishment for me at a later time. Again I apologize for the delay, but Garfiel must take out his frustration on me."

"Fuckin' asshole," Garfiel said, walking down the hallway. Toward the training field outside presumably.

"Reinhard you don't need to be punished," Subaru said.

The red-haired man looked to the ground, "Maybe you're right, Subaru."

Reinhard walked off following Garfiel, but he left Subaru with a few more words, "Maybe what Felt-sama did is punishment enough."

He met Subaru's eyes again, "I couldn't think of a worse punishment."

Subaru's mind didn't provide him with anything to say.

"I guess that's just another one of my endless failings."

When Subaru's paralysis ended, Reinhard and Garfiel were gone. Petra remained at his side, but she said nothing. The maidly etiquette she'd been trained in over the past two years held her tongue.

For a few moments, Subaru stood still. He floundered for anything to say, for any course of action which would lead him to facing his past. A deep ache rose in his chest. It grew stronger the longer he remained still. An iron taste rose in his mouth as the pain continued to grow.

As soon as he took a step the pain let up. I did feel this in my successful first trial didn't I? He remembered that, though it was oddly faint. It pertained to his past on earth, so Echidna's contract hadn't been able to keep the memories crisp.

Now though, Subaru couldn't focus on old memories, he had to keep going through his past. So he walked down the hallway, pulling Petra along behind him.

"Where are we going, Subaru-sama?" She asked.

"I don't know."

"Huh…?"

"I'm sorry, Petra," It was the only thing Subaru could think of to say.

But before Petra could respond a woman stepped out from a side hallway.

"Natsuki Subaru-sama," A pink-haired maid stood before him, "What was the commotion?"

"It was…" Subaru tried to speak, but the distance in Ram's eyes, the concealed hatred made him stop.

Why do you feel the need to lie, Ram? No one would be mad if you hated me. I wouldn't care.

"Ram," Subaru whispered.

The girl stared up at him, contempt in her eyes. After a few moments she bowed to him, then motioned for Petra to follow her, "Come Petra-san, we must finish the chores Frederica has left for us," Ram said with the same backhanded kindness she used with Subaru.

Ram and Petra's backs faded as they turned a corner into a side hallway. Hesitance continued to hold him until he felt that pain. When the pain rose he got back to walking. Tears came into his eyes, as much as he didn't want to, he knew where they were from. It wasn't the pain consuming his chest.

Subaru shook his head and rubbed the tears from his eyes. With clear vision, he kept shambling forward. Each breath was a struggle to not weep. Each extra step an exercise in not letting himself drop to his knees. Each blink a way to hold back the tears pounding at the back of his eyes.

By the time he reached the next place the trial had brought him to, he'd recovered a bit. He could go a few steps without having to keep himself held together by force. Though that faded as his resolve began to run dry.

His trek through the past continued until someone called out to him, "Ah if it isn't Naaaaaaatsuki Subaru-sama."

Subaru stopped, then turned to the clown. A smile lit up his makeup. Anger rose in Subaru at that face.

"Ros."

"Oh, you puuuuuuuut yourself together quite fast. From on the verge of collapsing tooooooo the ground a weeping mess, to a man ready to fight. That happened fast, very soooooon after you saw me," Roswaal said.

Subaru's fury grew greater. He remembered those smug eyes, glowing as he confessed to Ram. In his current state, he hadn't realized the real reason Roswaal's eyes had been glowing. It had been the tears in his blue and yellow eyes reflecting the moonlight.

But he hadn't seen that, so his hatred only grew. Ram hates me, I don't have this right. She's right to hate me.

Subaru stepped toward the man.

"Bold aren't youuuuuuuuu? What could a previous version of myself possibly had dooooone?" Roswaal said, tone annoying.

Ram hates me.

Subaru finished closing the distance between himself and Ros, he stood right next to the man. Their gazes met.

"Oooooooh I must have really done something," The man leaned over to Subaru, placing his cheek in the perfect spot to be punched, Just whisper it in my ear Natsuki Subaru-saaaaama."

Subaru's fist tightened.

What he did doesn't matter.

His mind tried to stop himself, but his rage wouldn't listen.

Ram hates me. Subaru grit his teeth, But I don't hate her.

His fist cracked on Roswaal's jaw. A bit of catharsis stormed through Subaru at the hit, but it wasn't enough. He hit Roswaal with his other hand. Then hit him again.

And again.

Subaru hit Roswaal over and over again, by the time his rage had faded the clown was on the ground. His eyes stared up at Subaru. For a moment there was a bit of gratitude in Roswaal's eyes. But before he could confirm, it was gone.

"After how hard Marcoooooos hit it is no wonder your hits were that weak," Roswaal said. That smug quirk to his smile.

"Fuck you," Subaru whispered then went back to hitting Roswaal.

After a few minutes blood splattered all over his knuckles. Roswaal's eyes had swollen.

"You may say I hit like shit, and I do, but you're bleeding pretty bad," Subaru stopped hitting him.

"I will nooooooot die."

"And what would you do if I actually tried to kill you instead of this?" Subaru didn't know why he was asking this.

"Well… I wouuuuuuuld stop you," Roswaal said. There was uncertainty in the man's voice.

Subaru stepped off of Roswaal's form. Once he was standing Subaru looked back down at the clown. Roswaal didn't move to get up, he only stared up at the ceiling. Whatever thoughts passed through his mind… well, only Echidna knew.

Once the pain rose in him again Subaru resumed his walk. Hesitance took him again. He had no idea what conclusion to come to about what had happened. All he knew for certain was that he'd ripped the skin on his knuckles. Though the pain barely affected him. But what little pain he did feel, he did nothing about it. He didn't try and push it away, or hold it out of his mind. He simply let it pain him, even if it was minuscule.

Though his pain wasn't just something he noticed. "Oh Subaru, your hands are hurt, come here I'll make them all better," A childish voice called out from his side.

"Emilia," Subaru turned to the silver-haired girl. Her smile widened when his eyes touched her.

"So can you give me your hands, Subaru?" Emilia asked, grasping for his knuckles.

Subaru resisted, "No it's fine… Emilia."

Emilia's smile disappeared, her purple irises grew cloudy, "What happened to the -tan?"

The hallway's temperature dropped, Subaru realized his mistake, he brought his old instincts back to the surface, "Oh sorry, Emilia-tan, guess the blood loss is making me a bit loopy."

He tried to force a smile onto his face as well, but it refused to form. No matter how much willpower he marshaled, the smile never came. He grasped at it, tightening his lips, trying to do anything he could to gain that expression, but it didn't happen.

In any case, his words had calmed Emilia enough that the room's cold disappeared.

"Subaaaaaaru you dunderhead, give me your hands," Emilia grabbed onto his hands. A blush grew on her face, and with a slight motion, she moved her body closer to him, almost clinging onto his hands.

Pale light grew around his bloody knuckles, "So how did you get hurt, Subaru?"

"Oh… it was nothing."

"Did you punch something, that's irresponsible you know."

Subaru looked into her eyes, he knew that protective gaze. He'd seen it only hours ago. He'd seen it directed toward himself when Garfiel had appeared. Then he'd seen it directed toward Rem. A minute later his body had been turned into icy fragments.

"Emilia…"

The girl looked up from her healing, "What is it, Subaaaaaaru?"

"Do you…" His voice cracked, uncertain, terrified, but the question should be asked. No, it wasn't a matter of should or shouldn't. It was a matter of need. He needed to ask this question, no matter how scared he was, "Do you hate me, Emilia?"

Emilia's eyes snapped to alertness, she took an involuntary step back, "Subaru…" That cold started up again, "Subaru I don't hate you, I don't."

Her eyes pierced his soul, bringing his memories back to the surface, he didn't know if he could trust her. Emilia picked up on that, "You believe me right, Subaru? I reaaaaally care about you, please I'm not lying. I'm not. Not lying. I promise, Subaru! I promise!" She wept as an icy chill brushed him. But that cold was not why his hair stood on edge.

It was those eyes. Ground down by the trial of Sanctuary. Reduced from their normal state.

"I can't trust you, I'm sorry," Subaru whispered. Emilia's dull eyes stared up at him.

Sobs and wails came from her, she sank to the floor crying all the way down. She curled up on the ground, crying.

"Emilia…" He said again. Again, no words came to his mind. His past, he didn't know what to do with it. All he could do was stand, stuck in place.

Eventually that pain returned to his chest. He didn't move for a while. Instead he stared down at the crying Emilia and let the pain grow stronger and stronger within him. It was a few minutes before the pain became too unbearable even for him, so he took a step, walking further into the hallway.

The pain lessened with each step, but he took slow steps, only partially because he could barely muster the resolve to continue. The other part of his reason for moving slowly was so he could keep that pain in his mind for as long as he could. It was one of the few things that could make him feel true pain. He needed to take advantage of it while he had it, needed to make up for all the things he'd done.

While he made his way deeper into the hallway he eventually came upon a normal door. The moment his eyes touched it he was inside of the room. His line of sight darted around at the new surroundings he found himself in. The deep musty smell of unused library shelves invaded his nose.

"Beako…" The quiet name left his mouth. At the mention of her name, the drill-haired girl made no movement, no indication she'd heard. Her butterfly-shaped eyes remained locked to the ground, maybe a little too locked. She'd heard him. Sometimes that wasn't the case.

"Beako…" He said again, just as hesitant. For the nth time he was left speechless.

WHY CAN'T I FIND THE WORDS? Subaru screamed at himself for his failures. This trial was probably already failed just because he'd been unable to say what he wanted so many times. All that was able to come to his mind were the words I'm sorry. And he knew that wasn't enough. Not for what he'd done to Beatrice.

I'm sorry didn't cut it after ripping Beatrice out of the library. I'm sorry didn't cut it after shattering her contract with her mother against her will. I'm sorry didn't cut it for his two years of trying to placate her after hurting her so much.

I'm sorry didn't cut it for failing Beatrice. I'm sorry didn't cut it for the hundreds of thousands of loops he'd spent trying to bring her out into the sunlight of her own will. I'm sorry didn't cut it for not being able to find a single thing in all that time.

But in place of those two words, Subaru had nothing he could say. Did he dare pour his heart out in an apology to someone who might not care about him? But she was only in a trial, but maybe Echidna was watching. Maybe she'd do something. Did Subaru really dare to pour out those words? He couldn't bring himself to do it.

So he only stared at Beatrice, on the edge of breaking down into a similar catatonia as hers.

Once the pain began, instead of waiting or walking out of the room, he kneeled down to the girl. Her eyes didn't move when he leaned down, but her breathing did stop for a second. Tears clouded his vision, "Beako," He reached forward, wrapping his arms around her.

The little spirit didn't respond. She didn't move, didn't shy away. Didn't scratch his neck to shreds.

"Beako," Right now he almost wished she would cut his neck to ribbons. But she didn't. She only remained silent. Her silence stretched out, and the pain of the trial pushing him through his past started up again.

No, I don't want to leave her. His tears slid down his face as he clung onto Beatrice. Even while the pain grew he only clung on tighter.

The pain reached greater and greater heights. First, his chest stabbed him with agony, until it felt like his heart had been squeezed to a stop by Satella. Then his skin seemed alight with phantom flames. Next his body danced and foam came from his mouth, the strain on his mind didn't stop. In his hell he tried to swallow his tongue, or to bite it off, he didn't know. He wasn't sure if it mattered. He certainly couldn't think of the reasoning for either course of action right now. The second to last thing he noticed was the feeling of molten lava rushing through his veins instead of blood.

Yet even still he stayed clinging to Beatrice. He didn't notice the deep pained screams which tore from his mouth or the way he held onto Beatrice like a man drowning. In a way, he was drowning. But it was in this drowning that he felt his final sensation. It was him losing grasp on his name, on who he was as a person.

The pain was just too much to keep something as small as Natsuki Subaru in mind. The last thing he remembered was losing himself.

The next thing he knew he was laying on the ground, staring up at Beatrice. While he'd been clinging to her the girl hadn't moved.

"Beatrice…" Her full name slipped from his throat. She finally reacted to him, by focusing her eyes on him. At that moment there was hatred in her gaze.

Subaru didn't have the strength to sit up, until the pain returned. It came back like a storm, overwhelming the pain he'd faced against Capella within an instant. A scream tore from him. He rolled over onto his stomach. The moment his hand touched the floor the pain was gone, and so were the bookshelves.

In an instant he'd gone from Beatrice's makeshift library to an undecorated room. In the center, on the bed lay a sleeping girl.

No words came into Subaru's mind as he began his attempt to push himself to his feet. First, he grabbed the leg of the chair which was placed next to the bed, leftover from all his other visits to the girl. Using it he ran through the next steps toward standing.

He engaged his arm, desperately struggling to pull himself up, but he couldn't summon the strength. To gain that he didn't use more willpower, that simply wouldn't be possible, instead, he hoisted himself with both arms. The task was herculean, and he didn't even manage to stand. After minutes of trying to stand he only succeeded in sitting in the chair.

Once in the chair he let out a deep breath. Without noticing the breath slipped into a scream. When he realized the noise that had come from his throat he let his head fall into his hands. Not a single part of his mind extended a worry that the girl in the bed before him would wake up.

After so many years he'd learned something, and it had been fully confirmed upon his return to zero. The blue-haired maid he'd once loved above all else in the world would never wake up. Not in this timeline.

No apology even came from his throat. It would do the girl no good. She was asleep, she always had been there was nothing for him to say. So all he did was gaze upon her sleeping face. Maybe once he would have gained comfort from it. But now… all he saw on Rem's face was the hatred she'd held for him while running an icicle through his chest.

To use this time the trial let him rest he closed his eyes. It wasn't the best idea Subaru had ever had. As the very moment he did it images from his most recent death sprung to him unbidden. They only abated when he opened his eyes. The only thing he could do was keep his eyes open and not look at Rem.

But even that didn't keep away all the images, all the sounds. The crunching of his bones as they fragmented under the immense cold. The cracking of his tongue as it slid down the back of his neck after breaking off. The hateful growling of Rem while watching him die.

When the pain rose he was eager to get up. But even that eagerness didn't let him stand. All he could do was move his feet a little, but it seemed that was enough for the trial. Once his foot touched the ground he was standing in the middle of his room.

A broken crystal rested around his neck, his own hands held a knife to his throat against his will. The knife soon moved in closer, threatening to touch his throat. Finally, words came into his mind.

"No… what if I created a new timeline I can't leave them like this please don't. I need to stay I need to find a way to help them. I…" He trailed off remembering this was only a trial, "Why couldn't I help them. I failed them. I failed them so much. Now there's a possibility I left them behind to this. To this pain. I forced them through so much, and they're going to find me dead, they'll hate me so much. I hurt them so much, then left without even helping them."

The knife's point pricked his throat, his hands still moving of their own volition.

"I'm sorry for everything, Garfiel, I understand why you hate me."

His hands moved the knife a bit further into his throat.

"I'm sorry for everything. Reinhard I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…"

Blood poured down the knife's handle.

"Rem, you gave me everything, yet I didn't even give you a thing in return, I understand why you'd hate my worthless self. Rem, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being me!"

His hands got a better grip on the knife, and his voice became garbled with blood.

"Emilia I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. Twisted your mind. Please!" What was he begging for?

His knife sunk further into his throat, but he could still speak perfectly if a little blood got in the way.

"RAM! I'M SORRY!" He screamed out, not knowing what he was screaming for, "Please! PLEASE!" PLEASE WHAT? WHAT AM I BEGGING FOR?

"PLEASE!" He screamed it out again, uncaring to his own questions, "PLEASE STOP LYING!"

With his questions answered the knife sunk into his throat. His vision winked out when it returned to him dull grey stones surrounded him.

Weeping fell from his throat. He didn't know how long he remained there crying. But it was a long time, maybe half an hour. Though eventually, he gathered up enough strength to walk outside the trial room. Then walk back in. The building glowed brighter the closer he got to the center.

Once his foot hit that center again his voice called out to him.

"First you must face your past." As his body fell toward the ground Subaru realized something.

That wasn't his voice. That voice wasn't tortured enough. It couldn't possibly be him. So why did the tomb have to lie to him like this, and why so bad at it.

He didn't know, and most of all he didn't care. It was an idle wonder, and he had a bigger task to focus on. But how was he to solve it? The only thing he thought of was that he needed to keep pushing forward, but that gave rise to another question.

How would he push forward? Doing this again and again. How?

When his face hit the cold stone and the trial took him he still had not found an answer.

Count 2. Find the words to apologize.

He didn't find them.

"First you must face your past."

Count 3. Find the words.

Again, he didn't find them.

"First you must face your past."

"What do I say?"

"First you must face your past."

"What the hell am I supposed to say? How do I apologize for so much."

"First you must face your past."

"I can't apologize. That's the answer, isn't it? No apology I give will be enough."

"First you must face your past."

"But if that's the case, WHY? Why does it hurt so much when I can't apologize to them?"

"First you must face your past."

"Petra I'm sorry."

"First you must face your past."

"Petra, Ram, Rem, Beatrice, I'm sorry."

"First you must face your past."

"Petra, Ram, Rem, Beatrice, Reinhard, Emilia, I'm sorry."

"First you must face your past."

"Petra, Ram, Rem, Beatrice, Reinhard, Emilia, Garfiel, I'm sorry."

"First you must face your past."

"WHY ISN'T IT ENOUGH? Why? Please. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"First you must face your past."

"I'm sorry. Petra, I'm sorry. Ram, I'm sorry. Rem, I'm sorry. Beatrice, I'm sorry. Reinhard, I'm sorry. Emilia, I'm sorry. Garfiel, I'm sorry. Frederica, I'm sorry. Annerose, I'm sorry. Ryuzu, I'm sorry. Otto… I'm sorry for not accepting your help."

"First you must face your past."

"Why isn't that enough? I apologized to everyone… no. I don't want to. Please…"

"First you must face your past."

"I have to, don't I? I don't want to."

"First you must face your past."

"Don't make me."

"First you must face your past."

"Petra, I'm sorry. Ram, I'm sorry. Rem, I'm sorry. Beatrice, I'm sorry. Reinhard, I'm sorry. Emilia, I'm sorry. Garfiel, I'm sorry. Frederica, I'm sorry. Annerose, I'm sorry. Ryuzu, I'm sorry. Otto, I'm sorry. I have to don't I… I have to. Roswaal, I… I… I'm… sorry."

"First you must face your past."

"WHY ISN'T THAT ENOUGH? WHY? PLEASE THAT'S ENOUGH I APOLOGIZED TO ALL OF THEM… oh. No, don't make me. I can apologize to Roswaal, but… don't make me."

"First you must face your past."

"I won't do it."

"First you must face your past."

"I won't."

"First you must face your past."

"Don't make me."

"First you must face your past."

"Please don't make me do it."

"First you must face your past."

"Please…"

"First you must face your past."

"Petra, I'm sorry. Ram, I'm sorry. Rem, I'm sorry. Beatrice, I'm sorry. Reinhard, I'm sorry. Emilia, I'm sorry. Garfiel, I'm sorry. Frederica, I'm sorry. Annerose, I'm sorry. Ryuzu, I'm sorry. Otto, I'm sorry. Roswaal, I'm sorry. I… don't want to… why do I have to do this…? C-hk, no, I don't want to do it… Clind, I… I'm sorry."

"First you must face your past."

"WHY ISN'T IT ENOUGH?"

"First you must face your past."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorry."

"First you must face your past."

"Why isn't it enough?"

"First you must face your past."

"It's never enough. I can't keep doing this. No one cares about me. I can't do this over and over please, why do I have to keep doing this?'

"First you must face your past."

"It'll never be enough."

"First you must face your past."

"Why do I have to keep doing this?"

"First you must face your past."

"WHY AM I DOING THIS?"

"First you must face your past."

"Really, why am I doing this?"

"First you must face your past."

"Why do I have to keep struggling! Keep grinding myself down. Keep going even when there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Keep living again and again. Keep trying again and again. Why do I have to KEEP ROTTING?"

"First you must face your past."

"Why am I doing all this for people who don't care?"

"First you must face your past."

"They don't care. Why should I struggle for people who hate me?"

"First you must face your past."

"Is it…"

"First you must face your past."

"Oh…"

"First you must face your past."

"That's why…"

"First you must face your past."

"...I'm still doing this."

"First you must face your past."

"It's because I care about them. But can I keep going if they don't care about me?"

"First you must face your past."

"CAN I STILL DO THIS?"

"First you must face your past."

"Please, someone, anyone, just tell me that one of them cares about me."

"First you must face your past."

"Please… tell me there's a reason to keep going."

"First you must face your past."

"PLEASE!"

"First you must face your past."

"SOMEONE!"

"First you must face your past."

"Can you…"

"First you must face your past."

"I'm sorry…"

"First you must face your past."

"Why did you leave?"

"First you must face your past."

"Can you…"

"First you must face your past."

"Can you come back…"

"First you must face your past."

"Can you return?"

"First you must face your past."

"Can you love me again?"

"First you must face your past."

"Where are you!"

"First you must face your past."

"Please love me again."

"First you must face your past."

"Please just love me again."

"First you must face your past."

"I'm sorry that I wasn't enough."

"First you must face your past."

"Please, I need you."

"First you must face your past."

"Please come back to me…"

"First you must face your past."

"Echidna, please come back. Please give me a reason to continue. Tell me that you've been watching this whole time. Tell me there is meaning in my repetition. Caress my hair, and tell me it'll all be alright. Please sip at your tea as we discuss a strategy. Please watch me, with those curious empty eyes. Those eyes that don't lie. Please tell me that I can satisfy you."

"First you must face your past."

"Echidna…"

"First you must face your past."

"Echidna, where are you?"

"First you must face your past."

"I'll…"

"First you must face your past."

"If you come back, if you tell me it'll all be alright…"

"First you must face your past."

"If you tell me you know…"

"First you must face your past."

"Then…"

"First you must face your past."

"Echidna…"

"First you must face your past."

"If you do all that… I'll tell you…"

"First you must face your past."

"That you can satisfy me. That I love you."

"First you must face your past."

"Please Echidna, I'll tell you I love you."

"First you must face your past."

"Just come back."

"First you must face your past."

"Please."

"First you must face your past."

"Echidna…"

"First you must face your past."

"Echidna!"

"First you must face your past."

"ECHIDNA I NEED YOU!"

"First you must face your past."

"Echidna."

"First you must face your past."

"Echidna…"

"First you must face your past."

"You're not coming…"

"First you must face your past."

"You're gone, you've left."

"First you must face your past."

"I'm sorry, Echidna."

"First you must face your past."

"It's coming isn't it?"

"First you must face your past."

"After so long…"

"First you must face your past."

"I'm at the end of my rope."

"First you must face your past."

"I'm sorry Wilhelm, but I can't stand anymore."

"First you must face your past."

"I'm sorry Wilhelm, I can't crawl anymore."

"First you must face your past."

"I'm sorry Wilhelm, I can't move forward anymore."

"First you must face your past."

"I give-no. I can't… I can't. There has to be a way… to get one of them to care about me."

"First you must face your past."

"Petra you're just a kid. You don't know to hate me, that's all there is to it, you can't care about me."

"First you must face your past."

"Ram you hate me, it's so obvious."

"First you must face your past."

"Garfiel you hate me too."

"First you must face your past."

"I'm not Felt, Reinhard doesn't care…"

"First you must face your past."

"Emilia, you were broken by the trial, you can't care about me."

"First you must face your past."

"Rem… you're asleep, forever. I'm sorry."

"First you must face your past."

"Roswaal… you only care about your book."

"First you must face your past."

"Otto, you left…"

"First you must face your past."

"Beatrice. Beako. Beako. You… can care about me, just please answer me."

"First you must face your past."

"Beako."

"First you must face your past."

"Beako…"

"First you must face your past."

"BEAKO! Please talk to me."

"First you must face your past."

"Tell me Beako, what will it take to get you to like me."

"Become Betty's they."

Subaru felt sick that he didn't reject it immediately.

"I should stop taking this trial."

"Don't abandon Betty. Please."

Subaru knew if he took the trial enough times, and heard her begging enough, then he would do it. He would do what it took to get her to care about him. But he had a reason to continue, hope. It was the most dangerous hope he'd ever tasted. It pushed him through the trial again and again.

"First you must face your past."

"I…"

"First you must face your past."

"I shouldn't keep doing this."

"First you must face your past."

"I should stop."

"First you must face your past."

"I need to stop."

"First you must face your past."

"I can't stop, but I can't do what she asked."

"First you must face your past."

"I can't do what she asked!"

"First you must face your past."

"I can't do what she asked."

"First you must face your past."

"I can't do what she asked…"

"First you must face your past."

"I can't do it…"

"First you must face your past."

"I can't do it… right."

"First you must face your past."

"I won't."

"First you must face your past."

"I won't!"

"First you must face your past."

"I won't…"

"First you must face your past."

"I won't… right?"

"First you must face your past."

"I won't, right?"

"First you must face your past."

"I have to do it."

"First you must face your past."

"I'll do it, Beako."

"First you must face your past."

"I will be your they, Beako."

Beatrice stared down at the floor. Nothing passed through her mind, most of the time she supposed. Sometimes though, a single thought would come into her mind.

Betty wants to die.

Every once in a while after she had that thought she would think over ways to go through with it. But today she didn't have the energy to think of a way to die. Just sitting here was all she had the strength to do.

So without energy, Beatrice waited. She didn't notice how much time went by, she didn't need food after all. And she had enough mana to last her for millennia. Thinking of mana… maybe… oh maybe she could use that.

It would be so easy, just a word. All she had to do was lift her hand up to her chest and say Minya. Or she could say Al Minya and get it all over with no matter what she did with her hands. But she would need to muster up energy to speak. She didn't even try to do that. She'd learned over the past two years that trying to gather the energy to speak would be a waste of time.

So she went back to waiting. It may have been boring if she didn't just tune everything out. Every sound didn't enter her ears. Her vision remained the same, but she didn't take notice of it. Even the sensation of a spider crawling across her back didn't enter her mind.

She didn't even notice as they wove webs in the space between her arms and her body. It was something she couldn't pay attention to. The nothingness in her heart didn't let her notice.

All was silent in her head. Until the door opened. She heard it. She couldn't tune out the sound of that door opening, because she knew exactly who it would be. After all this time she didn't even have to direct her eyes to know Natsuki Subaru had entered the room.

Was he here to spout off some nonsense about coming out to play? That one happened often. Did he not understand, after he'd ripped her out of the Forbidden Library and broke her contract with mother, all she wanted was death. Getting her dress muddy in the dirt would be a waste of time.

If she was able to summon up the energy to do that, then she'd rather have died… in fact.

"Hey Beatrice," Subaru said.

Her eyes flicked up to him at his use of her real name. He never did that. He hadn't done that in so long. What was it, two years ago? So much time, yet so little.

Beatrice's vision rested on Natsuki Subaru. A tiny hint of shock entered the depression of her heart. His eyes held a glint, they were no longer those dead empty orbs with bags under them. Now they held a touch of… what could only be called desperation.

"Hey Beatrice, you heard me, right?" Subaru asked.

Beatrice didn't respond to him. All she did was note the needy rhythm of his voice, then she contemplated a way to get him to leave in as few words as possible. If she could only get him to leave with one word, then that would be pleasant.

"Alright that's good, so I have an offer for you," Subaru leaned down, his eyes held to hers, "Beatrice."

She tilted her head.

He took that as a signal to speak, "So I can only continue on if someone knows that I'm in pain. And if they actually care. Which I've found is very hard to come by. No one cares. I don't know a single one who does. Roswaal chose me. Garfiel chose me. Emilia chose me. Ram chose me. Rem watched me freeze to death with hatred in her eyes, oh… there is Otto. But he took too long to choose Rem. He hesitated. So he doesn't really care."

"Where are you going with this?" Beatrice finally asked, summoning up some hatred for the boy.

Subaru stepped closer putting his face only a few centimeters away from hers. "Well, Beatrice. You told me there was a way for you to care about me."

"Betty ha-" She began, but Subaru put his hand on her lips.

"Ah I have an offer, Beatrice. If you promise you care about me, I'll be your liberator," Subaru said. Beatrice's breath caught at the intensity in his voice.

Liberator, finally. "You'll be Betty's they?"

"Yes Beatrice, this is only the trial so you won't really suffer. You won't feel a thing," Subaru said.

Beatrice didn't care what she felt, except for one thing. She wanted to feel death's release. To embrace that oblivion. It would be wonderful in fact. All she would have to do to feel it was say she cared about the man with the mad eyes before her.

"Natsuki Subaru. Betty cares about you," She said.

The moment she said those words tears came to Subaru's eyes.

"I can continue. Thank you, Beako."

"Now will you be Betty's they?"

Subaru's face twisted in immense agony mixed in with his earlier desperation. She didn't care to say anything about it. Not when her release was so close.

"Yes Beako," Subaru pulled a blood-covered knife out of his pocket, holding its tip on her neck. Then he placed his other hand on the back of her head. He moved closer to her until his face was right in front of hers.

Beatrice's heart beat with hope and lust. Both for her death. Tears dripped from her eyes, she didn't know why. She was happy. She was. She was… She was… happy. She wasn't sad about a life playing out in the sun she could have had. She was not. Not sad about the boy before her, who she once thought could have dragged her out into the sun.

She wasn't. She wasn't. She was not sad. Not sad. Not sad. Not sad.

Tears covered the knife, "Do it, I care about you, become Betty's they," She forced out the words. They trembled, and quivered with happiness. Just happiness. She wasn't terrified of death. She was not.

"Alright Beako, I am your th-they," Subaru yanked her head forward. The knife pierced her skin with no difficulty. Blue light rushed out of her neck wound. After a moment it blurred her vision.

Betty wants to die. Betty wants to die. Betty wants to die. She stared up at Subaru, trying to push as much gratitude as she could into that gaze. If she could see her own eyes, she would not have seen gratitude, instead, she would have seen pain, regret, and anguish.

Pain for a wound that felt horrible, not heavenly. Regret for Natsuki Subaru's microsecond, which never came to be. She didn't know how she knew of that alternative event, but she did. Then she felt anguish for the horrified look in Subaru's eyes.

The shame as he realized what he'd done to her. No, he shouldn't be crying, she supposed. He'd given her exactly what she wanted. Exactly… this is what she wanted, it was. Why couldn't she believe her own words?

He shouldn't be writhing around on the floor for what he'd done. He shouldn't be doing that. Why was he doing that?

Beatrice didn't know. She didn't know why. In her last moments, she was full of uncertainty. But one single action happened even through that uncertainty. She reached out for Subaru.

He noticed her hand right away. Instead of rushing to grab it he crawled away, back into the wall.

"WhatdidIdoWhatdidIdoWhatdidIdoWhatdidIdoWhatdidIdoWhatdidIdoWhatdidIdoWhatdidIdoWhatdidIdoWhatdidIdoWhatdidIdo?"

The boy kept rolling around, vomiting out of disgust for what he'd done.

If Beatrice still had a throat maybe she would have said something. But she didn't, so she waited there as the world darkened.

Eventually, she couldn't see anything. She was more terrified than she'd ever been. This was worse than those four centuries of isolation. It was so much worse.

In her last moments, Beatrice asked herself a single thing.

Why did Betty wish for this?

Subaru stared at the ground. He'd reached the final stage of the trial. He stood in his own room. His hands, with a mind of their own, pushed a knife toward his neck. This time as the knife approached his neck, he said nothing.

All he did was close his eyes and let the knife pierce his throat. Blood gushed out onto his hands. Beako.

Tears joined the blood on his knife's handle. It was the same knife he'd used to kill Beatrice in this very attempt at the trial. Beatrice… he'd killed her.

Vomit rose in his throat, spilling onto the blade as well. Vomit, tears, and blood all mixed into a horrid mix on his knife's blade.

A scream rose in his throat as well, he let it loose. In the next moment, he buried the knife into his neck to the hilt.

As he collapsed to the ground he had a single thought.

It doesn't hurt enough, not after what I did to Beatrice.

He laid flat on the ground, dying as his heart pumped his blood onto the wooden flooring. Nothing clotted his blood, it only continued to fall from his lungs. Air caressed his exposed blood vessels. Tears diluted the blood below his eyes. His eyes stared forward.

Natsuki Subaru did not try to fight the death that took him. Even if he wanted to, he didn't have the strength.