Isekai'd, My Posterior!
"GAHHHHHH- Oowagh!"
William's body spasmed as he coughed out his spine through his mouth and punctured his right nut with his ribcage.
That had bloody hurt.
If he were Tony Stark and the AI operating his suit were Friday, she would tell him in dainty, scientific words that his body was totally wrecked, like a mouse after getting gangbanged by twelve-inch Orc cocks.
"Sh-Sh-Shun og a…" he mouthed out but realized his throat was equally as screwed as the rest of him. with half a grunt that resulted in him swallowing a broken tooth, William turned his head to the side to see his Estus Flask lying against his right hand.
He would have raised an eyebrow if he could, but the muscles in his face had gone numb as he felt his body begin to shut down. Without wasting time to think up a quirky response to his current state of being, he managed to grasp the spout of the bottle, drag it close, and tip the contents down his throat.
Fortunately, the results were instantaneous.
" Ahhhhh…." William sighed out pleasantly as he sat up, cricking his neck, and staring up at wall he had been previously standing on.
"Two-hundred feet and I'm still alive. Hot damn, William, you cheeky bastard." He chuckled to himself before he heard a voice call his name, making him look up.
"William!" Quelaag screamed and he waved his arms over his head in reply.
"Yeah, I'm still kicking." He said, the echo of the cavern sending his voice upwards.
"I'm sorry for dropping you!"
"Don't worry about it. My ex did worse." His ex was actually this really creepy stalker that he never dated, but she snuck into his home one night, drugged him to sleep and tattooed her name onto his chest before attempting to molest him whilst he was unconscious. He had needed to take a loan from the bank to install burglar guards onto his windows and get a reversal on the ink stitched into his skin, thereafter. Additionally, she had stolen the tie-clip his brother had given him for his sweet seventeenth before running off with a pair of his worn boxers.
Needless to say, that was worse than accidentally being dropped into a sea of molten lava.
"Do you still have the ring?" she shouted and William looked at his other hand, noticing for the first time that he had never unclenched his fist from the time he had been dropped.
Looking around him at the lava in every direction except for the island he stood on, he decided to put the ring on, shivering slightly as the ticklish sensation of its magic coursed up his spine and through his bones.
"Yeah, still got the ring." he responded to her and heard her sighed in relief.
"Let me climb down to you, we can go back the way we came and reach my brother!"
He was about to agree when an idea flashed through his head.
"How about we split up for a while." He said and toed the lava cautiously. When the end of his boot didn't burn to liquid, he placed his entire foot into the ankle-deep magma. "I'll make my way back up to the top and help your brother. In the meantime, you alert Quelana and Eingyi about the outcome."
"Are you certain? You won't have my protection down there!"
William smirked. "I've survived the Catacombs, haven't I? This will be child's play."
He waited until he saw her scuttling off the Centipede Demon and into the tunnel they had come through before he began walking toward the pathway leading toward Izalith's core.
The lava and demons aside, he meant what he said. This place wasn't as unforgiving as the Dead City, meaning he had more time to assess his surroundings and come up with a plan that would see him through danger. Additionally, he possessed the foresight to know what foes lurked beyond the paths ahead of him.
And even if there were a change in the setting of things, he was smart enough to come up with a contingency plan. After all, one didn't play Dark Souls without understanding the importance of a back-up plan in case things swerved into a tree spontaneously – which they almost always did. Just look at Midir. Contingency plans needed.
William sighed out as he reached the bonfire he knew would be sitting before another sea of liquid fire and lit it before sitting down to refill his Estus and spend his souls. As for the agenda he had behind wanting to reach the surface on his own, it had something to do with the last Daughter of Chaos. Namely, the Lore-less woman found guarding the Bed of Chaos' resting place.
He didn't know why he was even bothering to stick his neck out when he had already done so much, but when his hypocritical sense of justice woke up from its eternity of slumber, he had no choice but to humor it – even if said justice would end up leading him into a death trap that ensured a miserable end.
Oh well, he mused to himself as he stood and strolled up the ashen root the length of a Blue whale's pecker. At least he was half-immortal.
Getting into Izalith's capital had been a walk in the park. Or rather, a stroll through Earth-chan's love nectar as over three dozen dragon butt's squatted around like stationary crabs whilst pubic hairs the size of Yggdrasil's tree roots weaved around the citadel like a crown of ashen thorns.
Even so, after William had managed to reach the first root, it had been pretty easy climbing up to the top. He was partly thankful as he skirted up the side of the city walls like a rip-off Spiderman; all that time climbing trees and vaulting over swimming pool fences in order to evade the neighborhood bullies that loved to give him wedgies because he looked dorky had finally paid off.
Of course, there was also the abs he had gained from being Isekai'd that availed him the extra upper-body strength. But who was keeping score, really?
The undead sighed as he dropped down onto solid ground and breathed in deeply. The air here was surprisingly cool after you breached the walls. The stench of smoke and burning rock was still present, but how could you live in a kingdom of fire without sniffing volcanic ash as your morning musk?
Drawing his sword and keeping a weary eye on his surroundings, he was slightly on edge to note that there were none of those bottom-heavy ass sentries made of igneous rock that served as hovering flame-throwers. In fact, after combing through most of the familiar architecture and hallways and not being jump-scared by at least one mutated foe, he was beginning to think that this place was completely abandoned.
Scratched that, this place was completely abandoned. William scratched his head in confusion. He knew Mamelord Miyazaki screwed up on making Izalith a deathtrap like the other homes of the Great Lords, and the Bed of Chaos was the proverbial Ronda Rousey of the Dark Souls Franchise after her hilarious one-punch knockout, but this was just ridiculous.
There was nobody here. Nobody.
No grumps, no hovering ass-sentries, no Titanite Demons and certainly no Taurus or Capri brothers. The place was an empty shell, an unused condom gone dry and crusty, a goddamn coliseum without any innocent soldiers to slaughter. What in the hell was going o-
"Begone, thou deviant devil!" screamed a voice off in the distance.
William turned his head to the side and waited for the voice to say something else or for the sound of battle to rattle along the barren walls of Lost Izalith.
Unfortunately, he heard nothing after that exclamation.
The undead cocked his head to the side.
What the Frampt? Was he going insane? Wait, he was already insane. Was he going insane-er?
"Take this! Shining Jewel of Hargipo! HA!"
Yep, he was definitely going insane-er. But! That just meant he had to find the hallucination and end it. Which would possibly end whatever weird version of Inception he was living right now – he didn't really know the details; this was a parody after all.
Sheathing his sword and backtracking, the undead followed the occasional shouts and jeers by a decidedly feminine voice in the distance, eye's peeled for the slightest sign on life, human, undead or just mythically unexplainable.
Eventually, he managed to find the source of the screaming, which was coming from the entrance of the Bed of Chaos boss room. William frowned. Well, at least he had found Quelaag's sister easier than expected. Now, to confuse her with his stupidity, charm her panties off if she was a smidge as hot as her sisters – which he assumed she was for sure – and then bring her back to the bonfire before turning Cecil back into a clumsy twat. Easy enough.
Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself for the task at hand, he quickly rounded the next corner of the corridor he was walking through before stepping into the open air, his body facing a familiar set of broken stairs that led to yet another set of broken stairs, that then led to a sudden slide down a smooth incline, which would then lead to one pissed off dryad of burning chaos fire.
His onyx eyes found the remaining Daughter of Chaos donned in signature robes of Izalith royalty and wielding both an ashen staff and glowing right hand. The Thief smiled to himself as he began to approach her motionless form. Hopefully, her mind wasn't mush like most people had theorized in wikis and the like. If she was a crumpet on the inside, then he would just have to turn tail and walk away. At least he tried to save a previously unknown survivor of Izalith.
When William was ten paces away from the woman, he opened his mouth to speak.
"Hello there, are you ok-"
"Hush, you uncultured infidel!" she hissed, cutting him off with a sneer as she dropped her hood and pointed the end of her staff at him.
"Uh," William blinked. Well now, he had expected many things, but not a straight-out religious quack. He didn't even know Izalith had a religion to follow besides worshiping the Witch of Izalith as their Queen.
"Where is your offering of sacrilege?" her midnight tresses fanned out like a tidal wave as her equally dark eyes narrowed at him, making the undead take a step back.
"Uh, I'm sorry?"
"Don't be sorry, you fool! Be careful."
"Eh… right. What... is that offering thing you were talking about?"
"Insolent whelp! You dare sully my sight with your unbelieving visage and forget the item to transcend your existence?!" she bellowed before advancing upon him, staff pressing against his chest as William began to back up slowly.
He wasn't sure what the fluff was going on, but he refused to allow his arrogance to cost him his life. She was a crabby one, this Izalith Sister, but if he wanted to bring her back, he needed to exercise patience. Fortunately, when held at staff-point, he was an expert in doing just that.
"Well, I am truly sorry for not arriving with the required trinkets you desire; however, I do possess something greater than mere tangible objects."
The woman stopped in her tracks at his reply, an unconvinced frown on her face as she lowered her staff an inch.
"Go on then. Tell me what else you have to offer."
William internally sighed. He was glad his bluff paid off, sure, but this entire situation was cringy as hell. Not to mention the fact that something seemed off here. Offering of sacrilege? Transcend his existence? None of this shit was ever in the game during his playthrough. He didn't even think these things existed at all.
Perhaps she was just trying to test him? But what for? She didn't have anything to give him besides oodles of chaos flame to the face. And if it was her mother she was trying to dissuade him from confronting, she needn't worry her cute face. He had no intention of visiting that shit-show at all.
Maybe she was touched in the head though. Not in the sense that she was mad, but just disillusioned. Yeah, disillusioned… but in what way? A split personality? A broken disposition? Wait!
William paled at the thought before he opened his mouth to utter a lingo he thought would be forever buried with the 80's gum he had placed in that time capsule he never found.
"Does… the sequenced annals of Orion's Principles interest you any?" the undead asked shakily.
The Izalith Sister quirked a dark eyebrow. "And who might this Orion be, exactly? Another speedster linked to Crimgar's pathology?"
The undead held back the extreme urge to slam his head into the nearest wall.
"Not exactly. He's more obliged to service the line of Etregeer, the Sixth Tempest of Annihilation."
"Is that so?!" the woman gasped in elation, making William deadpan.
So that's why he couldn't get a good read on her. She had Chunibyo. Why did it have to be goddamn Chunibyo?
In the past, William could admit that he was just as bad as the crackpot in front of him, sputtering needless jargon whilst living in self-deluded grandeur. However, unlike the powder-puff muttering gibberish in front of him, he had never allowed his case of Chunibyo (otherwise known as 8th Grader's Syndrome) to ever grow this severe.
The fact that he was forced to recount the lines he had once uttered on a daily basis to counteract this idiot's bloated skull in order to save her ass, was giving him a minor migraine. Although, he had to admit that she was quite cute, and her figure was at least double Quelaan's, so like any horny bastard… he decided the cost wasn't that bad.
"Say, why are you in this empty space, to begin with. You do know that nobody's here anymore… right?"
"Hm? But of course, I do!" she mewled in joy, twirling her staff as she paced around him like some predatory shark.
"The source of my powers, once given to me by Dark Flame Master, resides here. After the Seals of Calamity broke and ushered in the Sentence of Silence, I remained here to ensure the Burgeoning Chasm of Chaos was forever protected from being awoken. And from my dutiful actions, I have managed to rid this fallen Kingdom of all its straggling forces. May The Order of Sterben forever writhe in torment." She spat after uttering the last words of her heavily plagiarized monologue.
William sighed out but nodded all the same. Whatever she said was completely stupid, but it held some truth to it, explaining some of her life after her mother turned savage. Honestly, he felt bad that she had lived down here, alone and half mad, for who knew how long. However, now that he was here, he could bring her back to her sisters. At least they would be able to knock that annoying chain of delusion out of her pretty head – or so help him he was going to ram his sword so far up her ass that she would start chirping out the rapidly degrading durability of her backdoor orifice in more than just Chunibyo and Latin.
Then again, he gave her credit for possessing enough power to kill every living and unliving entity residing in the Izalith capital. She wasn't a Daughter of Chaos for nothing, that was for certain.
"In any case, I'm here to take you home." William motioned, walking out of the circular trench she was beginning to dig around him.
"Home?" she tilted her head to the side in question before a laugh broke her features into a wide grin. "But I am home. Silly mortal. Have the flames of Giorno singed your common sense that much?" she patted his shoulder like he was an idiot. William merely attempted to control his swirling temper, and instead focused on the fact that she had just said Giorno's name as if that wasn't from a freaking anime.
"Well, you do have a point, but I don't mean the place you grew up…" she stopped her annoying patting of his shoulder and looked deeply into his onyx orbs.
"I'm taking you back home to your sisters and younger brother."
As if a switch was flicked, her staff was pressed against his chest for the second time.
"Foul demon of Arachnia! Have you also come here to piston my being into the throws of the netherworld?"
"I have no idea who Arachnia is, but if you're asking me to smash then I'm up for it. What's your position, old school or against that dusty wall?" the undead replied, rolling his shoulders and sighing out in resignation.
He had had enough of this constant back and forth backwash of redundancy. It was clear she didn't want to return with him so he would make her. Unfortunately, whilst he could overpower her with brute strength, she was a master of Pyromancy, which meant his ass would be ash the moment he took a step forward in attack.
"Offer a feeble prayer to your impudent gods, mortal. My Silvia will end your miserable life without a wasted wrinkle in time." The woman growled and William couldn't help but chuckle. This chick was a walking tomb of anime references waiting to happen. She should be mauled by a Vagrant for poisoning Lordran like some walking copyright infringer.
Her staff pressed painfully against his rib and William sighed out. He really didn't want to die and restart at the lava pool with dinosaur butts again.
"Begone, vile creature!" the undead shut his eyes as the Izalith Sister prepared to toast him alive.
" Inscindio !"
"…"
"…"
"…"
William cracked open an eye to see his body still in one piece and Quelana and Quelaag's crazy younger sister still standing before him, in the most dumbass pose he had ever seen, her staff pressing into his ribs even harder.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
It was beginning to get awkward as they just stood there saying nothing so the undead decided to finally break the ice. He was eager to receive his reward from Quelaag already.
"Are you… going to cast a spell anytime soon?"
The woman opened her eyes only to gasp dramatically and fall to her knees, staff clattering to the ground. The Thief deadpanned again. Now she was just pissing him off.
"B-B-B-But how?! Inscindio… my most powerful spell… how could it not have affected the likes of you? Please! Tell me how!"
The migraine he had had grown into a large headache, but he relented the urge to beat her face into the floor with his boot. She was a woman, after all.
And besides, the only way to defeat this infuriating idiot was to play her game her way. He was just glad that nobody was around to see what he was about to do.
Donning a cocky smirk and drawing his hand to rest on his hip, William cackled like the Wicked Witch of the West that finally hit her first dry and crusty orgasm in eighty-three years of celibacy. Or was it the Witch of the East? It had been a while since he had read about Oz, or Dorothy rather. The title was so misleading.
"Keh-Keh-Keh-Keh! Young fool of the Diorama Glade. Did you really expect me to be vanquished by the petty spells of the Flame Empire?!"
"But my power is unparallel-" the Izalith Sister tried to say but the undead cut her off with a stomp of his foot.
" Absurd! Did you not realize the gravity of the situation when I arrived on this godforsaken rock? Could you not sense the pressure of my sealed darkness when at first my gaze found the entrance to this ruin? Hmph! Your power is unparalleled? Don't make me laugh."
He walked forward and hauled her up by the hood of her cloak, making her squirm and struggle in his grip as William's face burned with embarrassment. The younger version of him would be so into this performance of improvised acting. And that was the issue. He wished he could redo childhood all over again by watching Blood-C instead of Yu-Gi-Oh!. At least then the stupid suspense and overused hand gestures would have been replaced by badass martial art and gory death scenes.
"N-N-No… forgive me… Dark F-Fl-Flame… Mas-ter…." the woman stuttered, tears running down her face as she struggled against William's vice-like grip. In reality, he was using less than an ounce of his actual strength to lift her up. Seriously, she was super light in terms of weight. What the hell did she weigh anyway? Forty kilo's?
"Now that you have defeated me in battle," she began again, "what is it you intend to do with me?"
William internally cheered. Finally! An end to this ridiculous ensemble. The undead placed a malicious grin on his face before leaning next to her ear and whispering.
"Now… I shall claim your power for my own."
She shivered and prepared to say something when he sent a swift punch to her midsection. She wheezed, her eyes growing wide as her body folded over his fist. William peered down at her as she began to lose consciousness.
"Requiem in tenebris."
In simple terms: 'Rest in Darkness.'
She gasped with what air she had left in her lungs before fainting. He wasn't surprised she took that last bit to heart. He had spoken in her home language and Chunibyo. A feat he was sure deserved a bloody Oscar.
William spat against the far wall to rid his mouth of such disgusting lingo. He was going to bury this memory into the deepest, darkest corner of his mind and cover it with a coating of abyssal goo for good measure.
Oh well, at least nobody had heard that. William allowed himself to smile.
"That was quite the performance you put on."
William's smile immediately curved into a look of unadulterated shock.
Son of a bitch.
Kirk crouched down to loop his arms under the unconscious Izalith Sister's body and grab her staff before standing up and turning to him, crimson and obsidian streams of mist floating off his body ethereally.
"You're not as dim-witted as I believed you to be. I apologize."
"Heh, don't be. Everyone underestimates me in the beginning." William replied, attempting to cover up his embarrassment. The Knight of Thorns simply turned around in reply and walked toward a nearby corridor.
"Hey, wait." Kirk stopped in his tracks and turned his helm slightly, allowing him to see William taking a ring off his finger. "since you're here, I'm guessing Quelaag told everyone what happened."
He took the phantom's silence as a yes.
"You might as well take Cecil's ring as well. It might take me longer than I thought to reach the top." Kirk turned and accepted the ring, slipping it inside a pouch of his before withdrawing another banishing crystal. "I reckon that simply chucking the thing at Quelaag's bro will get him to reform to his original body. But if you need a second option…"
The knight got his meaning and turned back around, but not before warning the undead in advance.
"Watch your step." He said and crushed the banishing crystal, disappearing as if he and the unconscious woman in his arms were never there to begin with.
William blinked at the empty space for a few moments before finally allowing himself to swoon at how sick that exit was. Kirk was just as awesome as he had assumed he'd be! He couldn't wait until he met Tarkus in Sen's Fun Dungeon.
Huffing in satisfaction and taking a small step back, William sighed out deeply – never noticing the stairs he stood on slowly eroding into grains of sand and dust.
"Wonder what he meant by watch my ste- AAAAHH!"
As if the floor had suddenly been inverted, William found himself slipping and falling on his ass.
"OOF!"
He looked down and shouted out as his body sped toward the fog wall before his being phased through it like it had been nothing but mist – which it… kinda was. He picked up momentum as the slope became more obtuse, forcing him to cross his arms over his chest and straighten his legs as he shot forward like a bullet, the hot wind that rushed past his face wrinkling his skin.
A dry thicket of roots passed overhead before he suddenly fell, dropping like a stone before he landed on his posterior for the third time that day.
"Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow…." William hissed and stood up. Only to come face to root with the Bed of Chaos, in all its gnarled glory stationed on the other end of the room from himself.
The undead paled before a sigh escaped his lips and he placed his hands on his hips.
"Well, shit," he mouthed. "Can this day get any worse?"
And that was when a bird perched on his shoulder.
"Eh?" the undead frowned and stared at the avian, coated in dirty black feathers. "Get off me. Shoo. I've already got beef with your great granduncle. Don't make me make an enemy out of you too, little guy."
That was odd. He didn't even know birds inhabited this part of Lordran. He wondered where it migrated from, and how it had even managed to get into Izalith in the first place. And where was the rest of it's flock? Roosting elsewhere? Dead? Eaten by a Capri Demon? He didn't know much about birds.
Wait.
William frowned before turning back to the bird that decided to ruffle its feathers.
The last time he checked, Lordran didn't have any bir-
"Hello again, William."
"DICKS 'N PICKLES- ITJUSTTALKED!"
He heard a soft chuckle as he placed a hand against his rapidly palpitating heart as the feathers on the avian fell away to reveal nothing but the skeletal structure of what looked like a sparrow.
A sparrow with a dope-ass cloak of black magic covering it's body.
"What the- Nito?" William gaped.
"I see you've been using your time well since our last encounter." the bird – now identified as Nito – spoke before hopping around on William's shoulder and cocking his beak at the Bed of Chaos.
"And look. You've even decided to visit my fellow mutated Great Lord. Ah, Quemera. You turned out exactly as I feared you would, even after I warned you of the many failures replicating the Flame would cause. Look's who still standing now, bitch."