"Ros," Ram finally pushed the word from her mouth. She'd been laying against Roswaal's chest, idle, for a long time. She didn't know how long it had been. But the chirping of birds outside told her all she needed to know.
Ram didn't know what to think of the word's the man had said. Should she be ecstatic they'd finally come. Should she be suspicious of why these words had come now? Or should she be regretful?
She decided regret was the most fitting emotion, after all, she would have to turn Roswaal down. She was just hesitating on how to do so after so long spent loving the man before her.
Over the course of this last night, she'd become confident that she would have to reject Roswaal. Black hair entered her mind. Roswaal's spot as number two in her heart, behind Rem, had been taken over already.
Roswaal didn't respond to her calling his name. Her mind caught on that fact, she gazed at the man, at his face. Which was covered in lines of stress. Was he stressed for wondering if she would accept or not? Or was it something else… like his… oh.
She clenched her hands into fists and said, "Roswaal, can you say it again?"
The man's eyes snapped to her, a bit of dread entered them before his smile widened and a glint—which she could tell now was false—replaced that dread.
"Ram I love you," He said. Shoving each one word out.
Ram's lips turned down. Tears threatened to well up in her eyes, but she forced them back.
"Roswaal, I…" Wind gusted through the room, blowing Roswaal's hair out of the way of his face. She could tell how much pain he was in right now, "I will burn that book of yours."
Roswaal's smile disappeared, but the man looked happier than before. Though Ram didn't care about that, not right now. She needed to go correct whatever ideas her hesitation had instilled in Subaru's mind. She let the wind stop blowing through the room, then moved for the door.
As she reached it and traveled to the other side she heard a faint whisper, "I'm sorry."
Ram didn't acknowledge Roswaal's whisper, instead, she left the cabin. Once she was outside the misty air of the morning hit her. The dark blue, but steadily brightening, sky greeted her. She drew breath into her lungs, then made her way to the trial building. Subaru had said he would be taking the trials. So that was the most likely place to look.
He may have been lying about what he was going to do, but if he hadn't then he would be there. So it was smartest to check there first. And after nearly fifteen minutes of walking, she arrived at the foot of the tomb. It was a massive building, but she didn't care about it, only Barusu who might lay somewhere inside.
With him in mind, she climbed the steps. When she arrived at the top she found no trace of Subaru, at first. After a few seconds of examination, her eyes found the door at the end. It was ajar. Ram didn't hesitate any further, she moved into the hallway.
The moment she crossed the threshold between the outside and the tomb pain shot through her, along with intense vertigo. The pain was nothing in comparison to what she experienced daily. And the vertigo was manageable with a little focus. She moved deeper into the tomb. The sensations got worse, but not by much, they still weren't enough to debilitate her.
From within the room came a faint weeping. Ram grew angry at the building around her. She continued forward, completely ignoring all the damage being inflicted on her. After a few more steps she reached the door.
Subaru's huddled form was there, his back turned. Creaks came from the door's hinges as she pushed it aside, entering the trial room.
He looked over at her, meeting her eyes. Ram grabbed the wall at her side. The look in Subaru's eyes unnerved her. They were empty. Like all the strength in them had been ground down to the point where his irises didn't even seem his own.
"Barusu," She took a step toward the boy. He gazed up at her. The utter lack of willpower in his bearing tore at her heart.
"Ram…" He said. There wasn't the same warmth in his voice as there had used to be. But when that despair within him threatened to spread to her she pushed back.
No despairing. And no more hesitating. She'd made that mistake last night, it was time to fix that.
"Barusu, are you alright?" She reached out.
The boy didn't move as she grabbed him.
"Barusu?"
Subaru didn't respond.
Ram kept saying her nickname for him, trying to get him to speak. He never moved or made it seem like he'd heard her.
What happened in your past? This was worse than he'd been even after the battle with the White Whale.
"Get up, idiot Barusu." Ram reached down, putting her hands beneath his arms. When she tried to lift him a whisper came from Subaru's mouth.
"Why are you pretending?"
"Pretending? I don't understand idiot, choose better words."
Subaru stared at the ground, not paying attention to her attempt to lift him up. "Stop pretending that you care."
"Ha. Like I'd be here helping you if I was only pretending to care," Ram said. She'd already abandoned any questioning of how he got into this state. It would do him no good. She just needed to help him right now, no matter what was bothering him.
"But you're only pretending."
"Barusu, I care about you," Her words caused his face to scrunch up.
"Please…" His voice dropped so low she had to strain to hear it.
"I'm not pretending," She said firmly. Did he really think she didn't care about him? Was he that much of an idiot?
"Please stop lying," He shook his head, shaking off her arms. Finally, strength entered his body. She would have been happy to see it, had it not been motivated by such distrust.
"You absolute idiot. Moron. Imbecile," Ram wrapped her arms around him, making her anger known, "I am not lying. I don't care to try and lie to you."
"Then WHY? WHY are you doing this!" Subaru shouted out, his voice straining.
Ram breathed in at his words. She reached into her heart to think about how she truly felt. She needed to say the right thing and feeling those sentiments of her heart, it was so obvious what her next words should be.
"Barusu I lo-"
"DON'T LIE! Please. Please. Please don't lie anymore," He curled up into himself weeping in pain. Ram's heart twisted further. His state pushed despair into her chest. It was difficult to fight it off, but she did so. She had to.
"Barusu, what I was going to say, wasn't a lie."
Subaru stared up at her. Incomprehension reigned in his eyes. "Please stop this, please. I can't take the lying anymore, just tell me you hate me."
Ram pushed a smile onto her face. A little bit of water rose in her eyes. She held her hand up to her chest, feeling the beating of her heart beneath.
"If I told you that I hated you Barusu," She held in her tears and kept her voice strong, "Then it would be a lie."
Suspicion rushed through Subaru's gaze. Spirits grew around him.
"Just because I don't hate you doesn't mean I'll let you be an idiot," Ram said, warning him.
Vindication replaced his suspicion. Ram reached into her mind, readying to release one of the shackles on her power. If he did something rash she would need to subdue him. She remembered him tearing his own lips apart after the battle with the White Whale.
Pain shot through her, but she remained strong.
Subaru pushed himself against the wall, then shoved himself forward, grabbing onto Ram. She didn't react right away as she hadn't been expecting him to make the first move.
"Don't be an idiot," Ram said while he held onto her arms.
"I'm sorry Ram, just another reason to hate me. There've been so many, what's one more?" His words made him seem uncaring, but his voice told the opposite story. Pure anguish rushed through him, it infested his next two words, "Ul Shamac."
Darkness overtook her immediately. Everything was gone. Her sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch. Everything. She had no spatial awareness; she didn't even feel like she had a body. She was just a single consciousness, alone in the darkness.
Barusu, I'm sorry. I failed… this time. As she remained in the darkness she carved resolve into herself.
By the time that darkness faded, Subaru was gone. But it didn't stop her. As soon as she realized he was too far gone to track down herself, she sought out Emilia. A spiritualist would be invaluable in a search. While Ram thought about searching for him on her own using her Clairvoyance she quickly decided that would be a poor idea. As if she found him alone she would be caught by his Yin magic again.
She didn't let herself hesitate because of what had happened in the trial room. Her dedication was too firm for that, and she was no longer focusing it on Roswaal. It didn't take her long to find Emilia and Rem, and from there the search began in full.
"Ul Shamac," Subaru said, his heart twisting in agony and guilt at his action.
The girl's red eyes stared into his. But they didn't truly see him. They couldn't, her mind was in another dimension. He gripped his chest. The use of that much mana had strained his body. A tired pant left his mouth while he pushed his body out of the tomb. It was difficult to summon the resolve to do it. But he couldn't be around Ram any longer.
That lie she'd been trying to say, he needed to get away from it. So he left the tomb. Once outside and in the sun he went into the forest. He didn't really know which direction he was going in, or where he was going. Just away from Ram. That was all the sense of direction he had.
As his walking continued, footsteps began alongside him. Something was moving next to him, though it was obscured by the trees. He flicked his vision over to where the sound was coming from. What met him was a swarm of bugs.
The hell? The bugs rose in a great horde flying toward him. But as the swarm passed by, none of the insects touched him.
By the time they'd all passed him, a small bag sat at his feet. A red hue emanated from the bag. Before he took full notice of it, the bag exploded with smoke.
No flames came, but a cloud of ash blocked his vision. Loud footsteps pounded within the cloud somewhere. He strained his eyes, trying to get a good look, any kind of look for that matter, at what was making that noise.
Growls reached him from a few meters away. Those growls were familiar. Where had he heard them? He didn't have the time to figure it out.
A soft thud rang out. Then lighter footsteps moved towards him. He summoned a few spirits around himself, readying, and bracing for the extra strain he would gain from this.
But before he could grab any mana from the atmosphere a fist connected to his cheek. Black specks overwhelmed him from the sudden shock. Before his vision could clear up, knuckles cracked on his jaw. His neck made a clicking sound when the next punch blasted his head to the side.
"What was that?" He asked, finding himself on the ground.
While the smoke was still clearing, he caught a glimpse of a green pant leg, then a boot slammed into his cheek.
"Is that you, Otto?" He said. A few moments later, the smoke cleared.
A gray-haired man stood above him. Green cloth covered his body. Red tinted his knuckles. His blue eyes glowed in the morning sun. And a black ground dragon stood behind him.
"Yes, it's me," Otto answered.
"Why are you here, to show me how much you hate me, just like...?" He asked, cutting off to focus his energy on sitting up.
Otto shook his head, "No. I'm not here for that. What I'm here for is to beat the shit out of you, Natsuki-san."
"So," He scooted away, "You do hate me."
"No," Otto shook his head, clenching his fist.
"Stop lying Otto, why would you want to beat me up, if you don't hate me?"
"Because when you're acting like an idiot, Natsuki-san, it's a friend's job to beat some sense into you," Otto reached forward, grabbing his suit's collar.
"Stop, ly-" He tried to speak, but Otto lifted him up and slammed him back into the ground.
Then the merchant punched him again and again, "Stop lying? About what, Natsuki-san?"
He grabbed onto Otto's hands, trying to stop him from punching him, "Stop saying you're my friend. A friend wouldn't beat up their friend."
Otto's lips twisted down into a sneer, then he raised his fists over his head, bashing them into his mouth.
"Really? A friend wouldn't beat up a friend?" Otto shook his head, "If that's the case I have one thing to ask you."
"What is it?"
"Why do you hate Rem-san?"
Subaru's lips tilted down, "I don't hate Rem. I care about Rem."
"Then why did you beat her up?"
"It's not the same."
"How is it different, Natsuki-san, explain it to me," Otto curled his hand into a fist and held it in front of their face, "How is what you did to Rem different from this?"
"Because I didn't want Rem to give up, to look down, to give up on herself, to reject help. I was wrong though, she hates me."
"Natsuki-san, you…" Otto's face twisted in fury, "You idiot."
His vision flipped to the side as Otto hit him again.
"Natsuki-san, tell me why you think I'm doing this."
He pushed himself up using grass as a handhold, "You're doing this because you hate me, you want to take out your frustration on me."
"Why can't I do this, because I want you to stop looking down? Why can't I do this because you went off and did something stupid by yourself? Why can't I do this because you've given up on yourself already?" Otto asked.
He didn't know what to say. Everything he tried died on his tongue, failing to leave his mouth.
"I don't believe you," He said.
"Don't believe me?" Otto asked, voice angry, "You don't think I'd want to help the man, who helped me when I was about to burn to death in that forest? You don't think I'd want to take in as a friend the man who took me in and gave me a place to work? You don't think I'd give help to the man who asked for my help in coming here? You don't think I'd want to be friends with who made me feel like I finally had a friend?"
He stared up at Otto.
"If you think I did all that much for you, why do you hate me?" A tortured sentence came from Subaru's throat.
Otto grasped his collar, lifting him to his feet.
"Well, my reasoning is simple,"
Finally, he stopped lying. He's telling me why he hates me.
Otto stared into their eyes, a smile crossed his face. His blue eyes glowed with something Subaru could not describe.
"I don't hate you, Natsuki-san."
Subaru froze.
"You're lying…" He stared into Otto's eyes.
Otto shook his head, "How hard is it to believe that I don't hate you, Natsuki-san?"
That glow in Otto's eyes, he knew what it meant. It was fondness.
"You don't hate me," Subaru said.
"Of course not, Natsuki-san."
Subaru turned his focus back outward, "Otto…"
"What is it, Natsuki-san?"
Subaru closed his eyes, and for a long time, he thought about the glint he'd seen in Otto's eyes. Was that glint warmth? Was it fondness? Was it friendship? Was it all of that and more?
Subaru opened his eyes to the world. To a world with a sun that glowed a little brighter.
"Can you help me?" He asked the question with anxiety. What if Otto really had been lying? No, that look in the man's eyes. It was still there, so clear.
Otto's smile widened, "I'll help you with anything you need, Natsuki-san."
Ram watched through Subaru's eyes as a smile spread across Otto's face. Then she switched into Otto's vision, to see the look on Subaru's face.
Ram's lips tilted up into a smile. There was trust on Subaru's face.
She stopped rushing toward where Rem and Emilia were, instead dropping down to a slow walk. "I suppose I'm not needed yet." Ram knew when her involvement would hamper things. Here was one of those times. Her best option to help Subaru would be to wait until he came to get used to trusting Otto.
Ram supposed Otto wasn't the worst person to trust. So she didn't continue chasing Subaru. But she still kept an eye on him with her Clairvoyance.
That night, Roswaal stared at a black-haired boy in front of him, "Whaaat do you want, Subaru-kuuun?"
Subaru didn't respond to the man at first, instead he stared forward. His eyes held a small amount of trust alongside a fair amount of guilt.
"Ros, I need you to work with me," He said.
Roswaal tilted his head. Did Subaru really not hate him enough to never think of working with him? Could this still be that golden loop?
"Whaaaat do you need my help with?" Roswaal asked.
"I know everything that's coming to Sanctuary. All I need is your aid to defeat it," Subaru answered.
Is this really it? Does he really know?
"Whaaaaat is all that is coming to Sanctuary?" He needed to confirm.
"Capella, Elsa, Meili and her mabeasts, Theresia, Kurgan, Brother-Roy and his mabeasts, and…" Subaru paused for a moment, "...the destruction of Sanctuary by the sunrise after the night of the attack."
Relief stormed through Roswaal.
Can I allow this loop to continue, after I tried to follow the gospel's command? Yes, I can. I don't know if I'll get another shot to break from its writ. Actually, it's writ has been off. This was supposed to be the final loop according to it. It said that Subaru would have conquered the trials. Roswaal thought about how little sense the text made. But even so, could he really break away from following the rest of those words? A bit of bile rose in his throat at those next commands.
Yes, he could. This was his best chance to break from those actions here in Sanctuary. Subaru would serve as his guide, that's how it would need to be, at least until everyone had evacuated Sanctuary.
"Thaaat destruction, how do you plan to stoooooop it?"
Subaru held his hand to his head, a small almost imperceptible sniffle left the boy. A bit more hatred for himself grew in Roswaal's heart.
Once the boy pulled his hand away from his head he said, "You can stop it."
"I could dooooo that."
Subaru stepped toward the door, "Well I'll take care of some things for the rest of the night, then I'll get you before Capella comes tomorrow night."
"Subaru," Roswaal said, his speech pattern gone. The boy met his eyes, a little shock in his brown irises.
"Hm?"
"I'm-" sorry, but he didn't say that. He couldn't do that, not while he still needed to get to his teacher, "Wooooondering where I will be utilized in youuuuur plan."
"You'll be fighting everyone that isn't Roy. So it should be an easy victory for you," Subaru said.
Roswaal gestured to his bandages, "I am sliiiiiightly weakened so it will not be as easy as you think."
"You're strong enough to do it," Subaru said, almost trying to wash his hands of talking to Roswaal and leave as fast as he could.
Roswaal's fake smile dropped off his face at those words, but Subaru was already in the process of exiting the room. His footsteps left the cabin, making it so was Roswaal alone in the structure.
A breath fell from him, "You think I'm strong. No matter how old you are, Natsuki Subaru. You haven't learnt anything it seems."
Roswaal couldn't do anything without a book or a boy to tell him the future. He wasn't strong. He was a weak, horrible man. At least Subaru didn't care about him. Subaru was smart in that regard.
Roswaal stared at his hands for a minute, then said what he'd wanted to say, "Natsuki Subaru, I'm sorry."
"Haaa," Subaru sighed in dejection as soon as he got outside of Roswaal's cabin. He'd had to bluff and lie on some of the things he'd said, and it had been a complete gamble on whether or not Roswaal accepted his information.
But thankfully, he had. That didn't make Subaru feel any better. Though that didn't matter, it was time for him and Otto to get to work planning the defense. Really they only needed to plan how to deal with Roy, Roswaal would take care of the rest, well they hoped he would.
When he stood up and walked forward, tears came to his eyes. I took that trial too many times. Too many. So many. So many times. I took it so many times I became they. His hatred toward himself rose to the surface.
He'd killed Beatrice. He'd killed her just to try and get a fake promise that she cared about him. Subaru dragged the nails of his right hand through his left arm. It didn't hurt, even though he wanted it to. How could he possibly atone if it didn't hurt as much as what Capella had done to him?
His nails sank deeper into his arm, blood dripped down his hands from the wound. It didn't hurt. Why didn't it hurt? It needed to hurt. It needed to be excruciating.
He pulled his nails from his arm, then dug them back into the skin right beneath his elbow. A moment later blood dripped to the ground as he dug four deep gashes into his arm. Tears dripped from his eyes. It didn't hurt enough.
A little piece of knowledge leaped into his mind, he was still right near Roswaal's cabin. Before he knew it his legs were carrying him through the forest away from the dwelling.
Tortured breaths fell from his lungs as he kept running, his vision blurred by the tears. It was so hard to see, but he deserved that. He shouldn't be able to see clearly. That version of Beatrice wasn't able to see anything anymore, so why should he deserve more than her. He didn't care when little oxygen entered his lungs. That Beatrice couldn't breathe anymore, so he didn't deserve to either.
Blood gushed from the gashes on his forearm as he kept sprinting through the forest. "Ah… ha… ah… ha," Breath came in and out of his lungs as he kept sprinting. To a piece of his mind, they sounded almost like sobs.
A dry sensation rose in his throat as he kept dashing through trees. How long had he been running for? It was a question he didn't know the answer to, but the pounding of his heart told him it had been minutes by now.
That pounding continued to grow stronger while he ran. Eventually, it came to a crescendo, parts of his heart tore, and for a short moment, his heart stopped working. A tiny bit of pain reached his mind, he deserved it. That Beatrice's heart didn't beat. How could his be allowed to?
Subaru kept sprinting with all he had, even as he knew his heart was about to explode.
As that explosion drew nearer, Subaru's foot caught on a rock, and he collapsed toward the ground. He didn't try to lessen his fall using his hands. So when he hit the ground, a breaking sound came from his nose, along with an ache in his teeth. When he felt the tooth with his tongue it was gone.
He'd swallowed it by accident in the fall. He deserved it.
Tears coated his cheeks. He flipped himself over. Maybe that was the strategy he was missing, maybe that was how he could make himself hurt the most.
Subaru reached into his mouth, grabbing one of the molars in the back. Without a second to hesitate he ripped out his tooth. Next, he dropped it onto the dirt. Then he reached his fingers to the molar on the other side to repeat the process.
His gums ached, but he could barely feel it. It wasn't good enough. His gums needed to really hurt. He eyed the rock he'd tripped on. Maybe ripping his teeth out wasn't the solution. Subaru bared his front teeth, then lowered himself so his teeth touched the rock.
I'm sorry, Beako.
He raised up his head, then slammed it back down. His front teeth hit the rock first, most of the rest of his top teeth followed. A small amount of pain shot through his gums as his teeth twisted at odd angles from the force.
"Ahhhh!" He shouted out, "Why doesn't it hurt?"
He shoved his nails back into his arm, digging gash after gash. Layering so many into his left arm that there was less skin than bloody wounds. Then he placed his left arm onto the same rock. One of his twisted teeth fell out as he moved his tongue the wrong way. Blood poured down on the rock as he put his knee on top of his left hand.
The rock pressed into the middle of his left forearm's bone. He put his right hand into the pit of his arm, then shoved his elbow into the ground. The bone snapped, one of its points pushing out of his arm.
He wrapped his hand around the bone, earning a scream from his nerves, and finally pain he could really feel.
"I'm sorry, Beako. I'm sorry it doesn't hurt enough."
He pushed the bone back into his arm, then started to spin it. The bone's in his wrist twisted, snapping and disconnecting from his arm's bone.
"It doesn't hurt enough," He said, grabbing the fingers of his left hand. With a grunt of anger, for not being able to give himself enough pain, he bent all of his fingers back. So the nails touched his wrist. His fingers snapped like twigs.
"This isn't enough, I killed Beako, I killed her."
His consciousness slipped for a moment, the blood loss was getting to him. No, I can't pass out yet. I haven't put myself through enough pain.
"It needs to hurt more," He quested around, finding a rock. It was easy to lift it from the ground, then raise it above his already mangled left hand. It was even easier to smash it down, crushing the bones.
His face twisted, "Not enough. It's not enough."
He slammed the rock into his hand again and again. Until it could barely be called a hand.
"It doesn't hurt enough!" He shouted out.
Once he tried to breathe in he realized how far much his consciousness was slipping. He fell onto his back. With another rock propping up his upper back, neck, and head.
Blood covered the ground, all of it coming from his left arm. The red liquid originating from his mouth only stained his clothes. Tears rolled down his face. He stared up into the sky as his mind faded.
"I'm sorry, Beako…" He whispered.
No more words came from him while he bled out on the forest floor. His eyelids slipped closed, but right before they did a blue spirit appeared in his sight.
It's so blue. Just like Beako was. Another spear of guilt pierced his heart.
At the edge of his perception, something called out to him, "Subaru!"
His name came again and again from that same voice. It sounded like silver bells. Hateful purple eyes glared down at him as his skin flaked off under the immense cold.
No, that voice didn't sound like silver bells. Those were warm, calming, reassuring. This was the sound of broken silver bells. Cold, frightening, haunting.
The final thread of consciousness slipped from him. He fell into sleep with only one final thing in his head.
He hadn't hurt himself enough.
Subaru opened his eyes to a black-haired woman. Black veins covered her skin, making herself look alien, more than she already had. A purple hairpin, in the shape of a butterfly, flapped its wings. The air around its twirling wings bent, dreamlike.
"Echidna."
The woman smiled, "So you're finally here, fully. Wonderful. It seems I'm winning that little battle."
He tilted his head, stared at her, and examined her, his mind calm. He was at peace. Why was he at peace? After what he'd done to Beatrice, he shouldn't get to be at peace. With all of his willpower, he tried to rouse his mind, and summon his hatred of himself, but for all his struggling it wouldn't come.
All he managed to do was tilt his eyebrows down.
"What did you do to me?" His tone was neutral.
"I thought it would be interesting to take your emotions from you."
Subaru shook his head, then used his dreamlike rationality to bring himself to the most logical conclusion.
"Why am I dreaming you up?" He asked. It made the most sense that his mind had created her.
"This is an interesting response. I wonder how this will play out," She said, lifting a cup of tea to her lips.
Subaru forced a sigh out of his throat, no matter how much his emotions were calmed by this dream, Echidna still always managed to piss him off somehow, "You really do have a talent for getting me angry."
"Leaving every statement open to interpretation leads to the greatest responses," She said, watching him.
"For one second could you just be a normal person?" He asked.
"Hm…" She trailed off, instead taking another gulp of her tea.
"Not being a normal person, eh?" Subaru ran his hands through his hair, "I swear, Echidna, even when you're just in my dreams you're annoying."
The Witch of Greed stared at him, a little bit of curiosity flashed in her deep black eyes, "I wonder why you are so eager to believe that this is a dream. In fact, what is your reasoning? Is it because I couldn't really be here, not after breaking the contract. Or do you just not want me to be here?"
"It just makes no sense," Subaru said, holding his hand up to his head, he let out a soft groan into his palm, "God even with that calming effect I still want to slap you."
"Hitting a tender young maiden, that isn't very nice, Natsuki Subaru," She said, raising her arms to defend herself.
"Young?" Subaru put his hand back down, "You're really going to sit here saying you're a tender young maiden?"
Echidna crossed her arms, "Hmph."
"Please, you're older than I am."
"Only by four hundred years. If you compared our ages that would be nothing more than a single drop in a vast ocean."
Subaru reached forward, picking up the cup of tea in front of him, "I suppose you aren't wrong about that."
He knocked back the cup, downing the contents.
"Drinking my body fluids?"
"It's only a dream, and old habits are hard to break."
"That they are, aren't they?" Echidna stared at him, filling up her own cup of tea with a wave of her hand, "Especially the habit of love, so hard to break. When you love someone for a long time it's tough to let go, isn't it?"
At her words, a pink-haired girl appeared in Subaru's mind, "Sometimes…" Pain rose in his heart, "Sometimes the other person doesn't love you back… and you need to let go."
"Ah," Echidna sat back in her seat, lifting her newly refilled cup of tea to her lips, "Now that is interesting, satisfying. I wonder what I should make that tea you just drank do… hmmmm."
The witch closed her eyes to think about it. Subaru didn't care; he was focused on the pink-haired girl in his mind. A bit of water welled up in his eyes, and a wistful breath came from his mouth. He didn't acknowledge Echidna while she opened her eyes, with a small smile appearing on her face.
"Ah, that's what I can do with that tea. Do you want to know something about what you just ingested?" She asked.
He didn't respond to her. She shook her head, "I'll explain it anyway then. You drinking that tea is a form of consent from you, which gives me far greater control over your mind, it is quite nice to have, and allows me to do many things, such as-" She cut off and disappeared.
Subaru's eyes flicked to where the woman had been, "Eh it's a dream, it doesn't matter," He shrugged it off, then went back to staring out across the grassy hills of the dream. The calming aura of this dream kept his sanity intact, he knew it wouldn't last once he woke up. So he would need to spend as much time as he could, taking in this sanity. Maybe it would make him breathe a little more clearly.
"Oh hi, Baru!" A young voice called out behind him. Subaru's breath caught, he flipped around, meeting eyes with a young witch.
A white dress hung down the girl's body, her hair was a dark green, ornamented with a crown of flowers, "Typhon."
"Ooh so Dona is making you calmer here, but I wonder if you still feel the same way you do outside, maybe without the emotion. But do those base feelings stay?"
"Typhon?" This wasn't how the girl normally spoke. Was she some poor recreation of his dream, "You sound like Echidna."
"Oh well this is the first time she's reconstructed me, so I'm still a bit closer to her than I should be," The girl explained with a wide smile.
Subaru didn't balk at the girl's explanation. This wasn't very crazy if he took his entire life into account.
"So what are you doing here, Typhon?"
"I want to ask you some stuff. Ok, Baru?"
"Sure, it's only a dream."
The little girl's smile widened.
"So Baru," She stepped up to him, but stayed about a meter away, "Do you feel guilty about anything?"
Subaru sat back, "I do, are you going to break me, if so I'm ready."
"Now this might be the Dona in me, Baru, but I wonder if you feel pain for sins you committed in other timelines."
"I have no idea," Subaru said, trying to keep himself within the tranquility of this dream.
"Ok then, let's seeeee!" Her smile disappeared, her eyebrows tilted down, "Sin becomes a shackle."
Subaru looked down at his hands, "Huh, must be taking a minute."
Right as he finished speaking cracks formed all along his hands.
"Ooh, so you still see yourself as a sinner, Baru? But do you feel pain?"
Subaru didn't have time to answer her before his entire body was covered in cracks, "I don't feel anything yet-AHHHHHHHHHH!" His entire body lit with pain second only to Capella's torture.
The agony of it was excruciating. He tried to reach out, but the moment he did his arm fell apart in front of his eyes. Then his vision fragmented as his eyes themselves fell to pieces. By the time he next tried to breathe he was in a pile on the ground, his body collapsed, but absolute agony running through him.
Even if he hadn't been in pieces breathing would have been almost impossible. The pain made it feel like molten lava lit in his lungs each time he tried to breathe.
It hurts it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm sorry, Beako. I'm sorry, Felt. I'm sorry, Reinhard. I'm sorry, Garfiel. I'm sorry for everything I did to you. You don't have to forgive me. And I know none of you want to, you're right.
His thoughts grew further and further away, but he was still able to get through them and hold rational thought. Though there was one problem with that, the pain was still getting worse.
"Ooh so you do feel pain," A cheery voice came from somewhere above, "So I guess you're right about yourself, Baru."
"Typho-AHHHHHHHHH!" He tried to say something to the girl, but that suffering grew greater. Stifling his speech.
Maybe this is enough pain to atone. It was the last thing he thought before his rationality eroded to Typhon's Authority.
Sometime later, he had no idea how long it had been, a different person spoke. Their voice was greedy. "That Authority is simplistic, let's test out the really interesting one. But first, another is needed."
The woman snapped her fingers.
"I WON'T ALLOW THIS PAIN IN MY PRESENCE!" A wrathful woman screamed. Then she laid punch after punch into him.
By the time Subaru knew what was happening his body had completely reformed. The pain was gone. A bit of disappointment and relief mixed together at that realization.
"Ahhhhhhh…" A groan left him. He tried to hold his sanity together after that experience, but it was almost impossible. The ground approached as he slowly fell forward, but right before that happened he caught himself by grabbing his knees in his hands.
More soft groans escaped him. After what felt like a few minutes he straightened his back and peered around. Nobody lay anywhere near him. He was alone in this place. That was nice… he tried to use that peace to fully dive back into the calming effect of this dream.
But that effect was gone. It had stopped calming him down. "No…" His guilt rushed back into him. His knees hit the ground, then his hands. After a moment he held himself up on only his hands and knees.
"Beako, I'm sorry."
"Stop whimpering," A stern voice called from behind, "It's disgusting, just like everything else about you, Barusu."
He rolled onto his back, looking at the person who'd appeared behind him, "Ram…" That pink-haired maid glared down at him, hatred in her bearing.
"Ram, how do you feel about me?" He asked upon fully realizing she was here.
"Isn't it obvious, I hate you, Baru-no, Natsuki Subaru. I hate you with every fiber of my being."
Subaru let his head fall back into the ground, "Thank you for being honest," He stared up at the pale sky. Ram stepped up, continuing to look down at him.
"You are horrible, Natsuki Subaru. An affront to this world. I cannot lie in the slightest," Ram continued to berate him.
He closed his eyes to her insults, trying to keep out everything. It may have been nice to hear her honesty, but he didn't really want to listen to all of her hatred. After a moment he became so focused on keeping out her words that he forgot to breathe.
Within a minute and a half, his lungs were on fire. Burning with a lack of oxygen. Each second made the blaze worse, but in each of those seconds, Ram's insults got more stinging. He needed to focus on blocking out those, not addressing the lack of air. That could come later, for now he could just let his chest burn.
Someone snapped their fingers, Ram's voice disappeared. Why did I stop breathing? He struggled to force air into him as fast as he could.
"HAAA!" Using all his strength he pulled in every bit of air he could get. His heart pounded as it gained new oxygen for the first time in minutes. It was an odd feeling, recovering his air after the brink of death. He'd experienced it so many times but this one felt different. Now it felt intoxicating. He writhed for new air, fighting for every breath he could take.
The air rushing into his lungs wouldn't turn on him, it would fuel him, give him life, let him move forward. Maybe it was all he needed to keep moving. Maybe the air flowing through him was nothing more than another liar. It would be so easy to poison it, but right now, while he struggled for breath like a pathetic animal he wondered if he could truly love the air in his lungs.
Maybe if he fell in love with the air it would return his feelings. Would it always be there when he needed it? Of course it would, it was air, it was everywhere.
In any case, he continued to pull it into him, he needed it. Needed it. Maybe it needed him to have a purpose, could he let himself believe something cared about him, needed him? No Otto cared about him, Otto wanted to help him. He could trust Otto, he didn't need to turn to the air itself, not yet.
His breathing slowed, he was no longer obsessed over the flow of air through him, instead he let it fall to the back of his mind.
Echidna's smile greeted him when he opened his eyes, "That was so satisfying, mmh. You truly can satisfy me. Ah, we're out of time I'm afraid," She said those words without a touch of impatience or anger.
"Echidna-" Before he could ask his question the Witch snapped her fingers, sending him out of the dream.
"What happened to him?" Otto asked as he stepped into the main bedroom of Emilia's cabin. Laying on the bed was Subaru, except his arms looked like they had been skinned, and his teeth were either missing or bent at odd angles.
A group of teeth, which he guessed had been ripped out, were laying on Emilia's nightstand.
"Ram-san and I found him like this," Emilia said, gesturing to Subaru's sleeping form.
She and Rem were flooding Subaru with healing magic as Otto asked, "Do we know what happened?" He turned to Ram, "Or have any idea?"
The pink-haired maid had a haggard expression on her face. She shook her head. Otto clenched his fists.
If what you said about the attack on Sanctuary is true Natsuki-san, then you need to wake up.
Otto prayed in silence for the boy to wake, but nothing happened, after a moment he asked, "Is he going to be alright?"
Emilia and Rem looked into each other's eyes then back at him. Uncertainty filled their gazes. It was easy to tell that neither had the expertise to heal Subaru's wounds.
After another moment Rem spoke, "Rem and Emilia, can only stop his bleeding, nothing more, Rem isn't able to provide enough skill."
"Garf…" Ram added, "He'll be able to do it."
Emilia looked up from Subaru's body, "Ram-san, Otto-san, go get Garfiel for us," There was a tiny hint of command to her words, though it may have just been a necessity.
"We don't have time to spend thinking, idiot merchant," Ram grabbed onto his arm, dragging him out of the cabin while he'd been lost in thought for a moment.
The two of them sprinted through the forest, Ram held her hands to her head as they moved. It took a moment of running until she snapped her hands down from her forehead, "I know where he is, c'mon."
She switched direction, Otto followed behind her. Their running continued until they came upon scratched-up trees. Otto let a few animals whisper into his ears.
"That kid is mean, he hits our trees," A small bird chirped into his ear, its voice childlike.
"Is he going to hurt us?" He called out to the birds around.
"Probably not."
"No idea."
"I hope not, good luck kid."
"You'll find out I guess."
A batch of different responses came from the perched birds above. Otto shook his head at the answers, they left a little to be desired in terms of certainty. But he supposed none of them had been a, yes he's going to kill you. So he settled for what he'd gotten.
"Garf!" Ram shouted as they weaved past a tree ending up right in front of the demi-human.
The boy turned to them, "What's goin' on, Ram? And why's this guy with you?"
Ram took a deep breath to maintain her calm, "Barusu is injured. We need your help healing him."
"Can't Rem handle it?" He asked, "You probably don't need my amazin' self."
"We do need you. Rem and Emilia-sama's healing is insufficient to do more than keep him alive. They can't fully heal him," Ram's voice didn't possess a hint of its usual insulting bitter tone.
After a second to think, Garfiel nodded, "Lead the way," He said. The demi-human mainly focused on following Ram, but Garfiel could tell the boy was keeping an eye on him as well.
Could I get him to help defend Sanctuary? The idle wonder entered Otto's mind as they dashed back to the cabin.
The moment they saw the cabin's doors Garfiel and Ram sped up, abandoning Otto entirely. The man's heavy breathing may have been coming in bursts, but that didn't stop him from trying to follow. By the time he arrived in the room where Subaru was being kept Garfiel had already set to work.
Garfiel held his hands above Subaru's arm. Emilia and Rem had only been able to heal the wound for the most part, but the bone in his arm was still broken, and his hand was still shattered. The boy noticed this, then ran his hand along the forearm, it only took him a minute to completely heal the arm. Then he switched to the hand, he spent several minutes healing Subaru's hand back to normal, or as close to normal as he could manage.
Once that was done he turned to where the teeth were placed on the nightstand. With a grimace, Garfiel set about the long process of fixing Subaru's teeth. It wasn't until nearly an hour later that the process was complete. Garfiel had had to completely heal Subaru's jaw, gums, and reattach the teeth.
"I think my amazin' self is done," The boy let out a deep sigh, he'd likely used a lot of his mana to heal Subaru like that. He stepped over to the side of the room, grabbing one of the stools, then sitting down near Subaru's bed.
"What are you doing, Garf," Ram said, stepping toward him.
Garfiel looked over at her, "I need to know what happened to him. Do you know, Ram?"
Ram didn't respond to his question. A grimace spread across the demi-human's face.
The two eventually shifted their focus to Subaru's sleeping form instead of each other.
Otto retreated into his own head to think for a moment, he remembered Subaru's plan. The main problem with it was that it left Roy with an easy ability to just stop falling into his and Subaru's traps. He could go find other targets. But if Otto gathered everyone in support of Subaru he could remove that variable.
The main problem was getting them to believe him. I'll have to get Ram to help us first. Then she can get Rem, she can get Emilia. Then one of them will know how to get Garfiel on our side.
Solidifying the plan in his mind, Otto waited for an opportunity. All he needed to do was wait for Ram to be on her own. Then he could get her to help him and Subaru's plan.
Though that wouldn't happen until Subaru woke up, which took until morning. Even with the time it took, they all waited for Subaru to get up.