CHAPTER 4 -- MARGARET'S AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Here is my cracked out contribution, which contains a bad word or two.
GRAMMAR POLICE
PART 42
BECAUSE IT'S THE ANSWER TO LIVE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING
THE THREE COURTROOM WEIRDOES RETURN FROM LUNCH.
(y'know, 'cause that's where they were at the end of the last chapter 'n stuff.)

INQUISITOR: Okay, we need to get serious here.

VALEYARD: Why?

DOCTOR: Because this is supposed to be my trial, you great boob!

VALEYARD: (whining) Inquisitor, he called me a boob.

INQUISITOR: It's high time somebody did, you boob.

SUDDENLY TWO MEN DRESSED IN BLACK POLICE UNIFORMS STORM INTO THE COURTROOM.

OFFICER ONE: Stop everything!

OFFICER TWO: Cease and desist!

INQUISITOR: Who the hell are you lot?

OFFICERS IN UNISON: We're the Grammar Police!

DOCTOR: About time!

OFFICER ONE: Belt up, Curly.

DOCTOR: (insulted) Curly!

RANDOM PERSON IN RED: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

INQUISITOR: You're in the wrong show. That's Monty Python. This is Doctor Who.

RANDOM PERSON IN RED: Oh, sorry.

RANDOM PERSON IN RED EXITS.

OFFICER TWO PULLS OUT BOOK AND STARTS WRITING TICKETS.

OFFICER ONE: Oi! Authors, front and center.

EMMA AND JESSIE APPEAR IN THE PRISONER'S DOCK

EMMA: Oh, cool! We're in a Doctor Who!

JESSIE: Do we have to scream and wear skimpy outfits?

OFFICER ONE: Quiet!

INQUISITOR: Order, please!

DOCTOR: We just had lunch, for pity sake. You can't be hungry already.

INQUISITOR: Doctor, you can really be a jerk, y'know?

OFFICER TWO: Should I make a note of that one, sir?

OFFICER ONE: No, we can't ticket this author. She has Diplomatic Immunity.

OFFICER TWO: Damn. (Tears up ticket)

OFFICER ONE POINTS TO FIRST THREE CHAPTERS OF CURRENT FIC.

OFFICER ONE: Are you two responsible for this?

EMMA: Yeah!

JESSIE: Who want's to know?

EMMA: It has our names on it.

JESSIE: I want to stay on camera longer.

EMMA: This is a text story.

JESSIE: Spoil sport.

INQUISITOR: Ladies, please.

VALEYARD: Bitch.

JESSIE SLAPS THE VALEYARD.

JESSIE: I've always wanted to do that.

EMMA: Let me have a go.

EMMA SLAPS THE VALEYARD.

EMMA: Hey, that was fun.

VALEYARD: I object!

DOCTOR: Well, I don't. Smack him again.

OFFICER ONE: If we could get on.

DOCTOR: Oh, if you must.

OFFICER ONE POINTS AT EMMA.

OFFICER ONE: You are charged with overuse of the Caps Lock key, using Text Speak in the body of a story, over indulgence in K-9 love, overuse of nonsensical typing—

EMMA: That was Jessie's fault.

JESSIE: Was not.

EMMA: Was so.

JESSIE: Not.

EMMA: So!

JESSIE: Not!

EMMA: So! So there! (Sticks out tongue.)

OFFICER ONE: Add that to the charges, please Officer Two. Excessive juvenile behavior.

OFFICER TWO: Do I get a name?

OFFICER ONE: No.

EMMA: Why are you charging that to us? We didn't write it?

OFFICER ONE: This author has—

JESSIE: Diplomatic Immunity. Yeah, we heard. (Looks up and shakes fist.) Bitch!

MARGARET: Ha ha!

OFFICER ONE: That will be enough out of you. You are charged with—

EMMA: Does that mean you've finished with me? 'Cause, I want to hang out with the Master.

JESSIE: The Master isn't here yet!

EMMA: I don't care.

DOCTOR: Just get on with this, will you?

OFFICER ONE: I almost forgot about you.

DOCTOR: Me?

OFFICER ONE: Yes. You're charged with excessive pomposity, impersonating a Grammar Police Officer and starting an unauthorized flame war.

DOCTOR: I did not!

OFFICER ONE PULLS OUT COPY OF "DOCTOR WHO, THE INTERNET, AND FAN FICTION."

DOCTOR: That is a shameless plug.

MARGARET: It's my chapter.

OFFICER ONE: According to this, you criticized the majority of fan fiction authors, quoted excerpts, and then started a flame war. Did you have the proper permits for this action?

DOCTOR: (goggles) You need a permit to start a flame war now?

OFFICER TWO LOOKS UP FROM WRITING.

OFFICER TWO: It's in the fine print of the newly revised Internet Guidelines of 2006.

VALEYARD: Something else to add to the charges!

DOCTOR: Now I object. This episode was filmed in 1986.

VALEYARD: We're Time Lords, so it counts.

INQUISITOR: So noted.

DOCTOR: This is ludicrous!

EMMA: Yeah. Ain't it great?

DOCTOR: (winces) Ain't?

JESSIE: Can you add overbearing to the charges?

DOCTOR: What?

PERI: And loud.

DOCTOR: Where did you come from?

PERI: I've been hiding in your shadow, just like always.

OFFICER ONE: You are charged with improperly using the Queen's English.

PERI: Like I care. I'm an American.

OFFICER TWO: Can we charge her with that, too?

OFFICER ONE. No, this author's an American, too, dammit.

MARGARET: Watch it. I can kill you with a random bolt of lightening.

VALEYARD: Have you finished? We do have a trial to complete.

MARGARET: I wouldn't rush. The trial scenes just interfere with the storylines.

VALEYARD: I beg your pardon?

MARGARET: You heard me, you Perry Mason wannabe.

VALEYARD: Perry Mason?

DOCTOR: You're showing your age.

MARGARET: How would you like to regenerate three stories early? (To Grammar Police) Could you review the charges, please? Just to refresh everyone's memory.

OFFICER TWO FLIPS THROUGH BOOK

OFFICER TWO: Let's see, overuse of Caps Lock, Text Speak in story text, disproportionate nonsensical letters, repetitive sentences, occasional misspelling, annoying script style format, unintelligible technobabble and excessive fan!girl squeeing. Yep, that's got it for the authors.

OFFICER ONE: And the Inquisitor?

OFFICER TWO: That falls under the jurisdiction of the Fashion Police, sir.

OFFICER ONE LOOKS AT THE VALEYARD'S SKULLCAP AND THEN TURNS TO EYE THE DOCTOR'S COAT

OFFICER ONE: We'll contact them when we leave.

PERI: You haven't seen Glitz's outfit, have you?

OFFICER TWO: I think they'll have their hands full with this lot.

DOCTOR: Cretin.

OFFICER ONE: And this clown?

DOCTOR: (offended) Clown!

OFFICER TWO: Excessive pomposity, unnecessary verbiage, and ridiculous technobabble.

DOCTOR: Don't blame me that last bit on me. Blame the authors!

OFFICER ONE: We did already.

DOCTOR: Oh. Well, that's alright then.

GRAMMAR POLICE HAND OUT DOZENS OF TICKETS AND EXIT COURTROOM.

EMMA: That was totally cracked out.

JESSIE: Yeah. We need more crack in this fandom.

MARGARET: Don't look at me. I just did my bit. Let's go find Captain Jack and jump his bones.

EMMA: Can we do that?

JESSIE: It isn't part of the trial.

MARGARET: It's part of my chapter. So there.

THREE AUTHOR'S LEAVE COURTROOM IN SEARCH OF CAPTAIN JACK.

DOCTOR: Now can we finally get on with this sham of a trial?

VALEYARD: Sorry. No can do.

DOCTOR: Why the hell not?

VALEYARD: Because this is the end of the chapter.

DOCTOR: Bugger.