Echidna's tomb stood before him. Subaru stared into its entrance, not that he'd had a choice, his savepoint had forced him here. The first thing he had to do after he'd noticed this new sight was shove down a scream. Then blink back tears.
After the last loop, he'd come to a single conclusion.
They don't care how I feel. Their fake pity was so horrible, it was so terrible to feel. They should only hate him, not pity him. After what he'd done to Beatrice, after becoming her they, he'd discovered something. It was about himself.
Natsuki Subaru should receive no compassion. Natsuki Subaru should receive no kindness. Natsuki Subaru should only receive hatred.
He ignored the lingering question at the back of his mind. But couldn't keep it from repeating itself. If no one cares about us, how can I continue? Maybe Beatrice and Petra don't lie, but won't they hate me once they realize what I've done?
If that was the case how could he continue? Forced to face the question he decided it didn't matter. He needed to focus on getting out of Sanctuary. On getting to Petra and Beatrice. He shouldn't worry about what would happen after.
With a deep inhalation, he forced his face to be neutral. Then with a tightening of his fists, he put a bit of strength into his legs. That bit was all he could manage, which left his legs feeling weak.
They don't care. They don't care. They don't care. Subaru repeated it over and over again like a mantra. He used it to solidify himself. Even as the sound of broken silver bells struck his ears.
"Subaru you liar, you liar. You didn't believe in me."
He didn't respond to the girl for a moment. It took a while until he said in a cold emotionless voice, "Thank you for being honest, Emilia."
They don't care. It was a struggle but he held his emotions down, strangled them.
"Wha…" Emilia made a sound of confusion, "Subaru…?" Her body twisted, in what Subaru almost thought was guilt.
Stop. He crushed that tiny bit of hope that had risen in him. The thing in Emilia's eyes wasn't guilt. Emilia didn't feel that toward him. She was acting. She hated him and was now torturing him.
With another breath he kept himself in this state, forcing his emotions away. He needed to get out of Sanctuary alive. His best chance was as Otto had said in the last loop, using the other's strength. He needed to use them to get rid of what faced Sanctuary, then he could get back to the mansion.
Use them? A tiny voice asked. But he smothered it as well. He was a man deserving of loathing already. What was using them for this purpose? Nothing. That's what it was. Nothing more than another drop in the bucket. Typhon had been right, he was a sinner.
He finally turned to the people he'd thought of using. His vision had blurred by the time his sight landed on them. The cry of anguish he'd forced down earlier built up again. Once more, he suppressed it. The dampness in his eyes would be no use.
What he'd said about needing someone to know about his burdens to continue was wrong. He needed to find a way to continue without that.
As he led Emilia down the steps and contemplated that a tiny part of him wondered something. Should I even take on their suffering anymore? Subaru hesitated to squash that voice. But quelled it when Emilia joined the others.
"Puck, where are you?" Emilia whispered. Rem moved to comfort the girl, whispering things to her to calm her down.
Subaru didn't pay much attention to it, instead focusing on how to get out of Sanctuary. Especially now that he knew they would have to contend with the Great Rabbit as well. Just another thing Subaru would have to deal with. Well another thing Roswaal would have to deal with. Subaru would have to get his support.
But if he did try to get Roswaal on his side, then the clown would do the same thing as last time. Saying he loved Ram. The moment the memory entered Subaru's mind his fists clenched. He bit down. A cry of anger rose in his throat, but he crushed this shout as well.
It didn't matter. Subaru would just have to deal with Roswaal's poor attempts to anger him. So without a word, he directed himself toward the cabin and began his journey in that direction. Ram's footsteps followed behind him.
He almost stopped, almost dropped to his knees. Almost begged her to tell him how much hatred she held for him, but he forced himself to continue. Forced himself to ignore that pain in his heart. He needed to keep going. Needed to. He needed to get to Petra and Beatrice. Even if they hated him, there would be a short period in which they didn't realize how hateworthy he was.
Maybe he could take advantage of that time, enjoy it. Then once their hate took over… he didn't know what he'd do. Aside from just to keep moving forward, as Wilhelm had told him.
So right at this moment, that was what he did. He could still walk, so he moved forward. If he did that, he'd find the right path. He suspected he'd already found it. He just didn't know the destination at the end of it.
The walk to the building was slow going. Once he got there Subaru steeled himself and stepped inside. He knew what would happen. He would have to not let his anger rise. That was all he could do.
His acceptance of that lent him calm. He was calm. He was. When he reached out for the door he didn't allow the fact that his hand was shaking to touch his mind. He couldn't let it bother him. Instead, he focused on pushing open the door.
Once on the other side, he greeted the clown, "Roswaal."
The man raised his eyebrows at Subaru's bearing.
"Ah welcome baaaaaack Subaru-kuuuuun, so you've come alone?" Roswaal asked, a smile on his face.
"Yes," Subaru held his voice neutral.
"Well then…" Roswaal's smile weakened a little but stayed on his face.
"I know what's going to happen in a few minutes, Roswaal," Subaru pushed his clenched hands into his pockets.
"Oh do youuuuuuuuu, Subaru-kun? And how do you feel abouuuuuut it?"
"It doesn't matter. I still need you to defeat everything that's coming to Sanctuary," Subaru's lips twitched a little.
Roswaal's smile disappeared, so did his speaking pattern, "I see what you're doing, Natsuki Subaru. If you want to walk this path, you must build a stronger mask for yourself."
Subaru moved to speak, but Ram's footsteps entering the cabin stopped him. Roswaal pushed a smile onto his face. For a moment it was more a grimace of pain than an expression of joy. At the end of that moment, it became a real smile.
Just as much of a liar as I am, eh Roswaal? Maybe I'm not so alone- Subaru crushed that voice before it could go any further. Hoping for companionship… that would only lead to more agony when Roswaal realized how much there was about Natsuki Subaru to hate.
So many voices Subaru had to crush, but he held each one down. He couldn't let them speak in his head, he needed to keep only one thing in his mind, reaching Petra and Beatrice. Anything else would only keep him from reaching that goal.
"You don't have to follow this, Roswaal. I can show you I know what will happen. We can work together," Subaru said.
Roswaal took on a thoughtful look at Subaru's words, "I have one question, Natsuki Subaru. Can you force away all desires, and focus on only one thing?"
"Yeah, I can do that," Subaru said.
Roswaal again pondered his words, then moved to speak.
Before he could Ram arrived in the room and spoke, "Idiot Barusu, making me come all the way out here."
Why are you lying? You came out here to torture me.
Subaru didn't begrudge her that. She was right to hate him, but he wished she would say it outright. That would have been so much easier.
"Raaaam good of you to join us," Roswaal said.
Ram looked at the man, "Ros."
Subaru stopped himself from saying a word, he had no idea what would happen if he spoke now. What was Roswaal going to do? It didn't matter. Subaru crushed any desire he had, making it so he didn't care for the outcome of this situation.
"Ram," Roswaal began, "Couuuuld you come here for a moment." He gestured her over to him.
She hesitated for a moment before moving toward him. Once she was close enough Roswaal grabbed onto her arm and closed his eyes. After that, he opened them to stare at Subaru.
It doesn't matter.
"What's going on?" She asked.
Roswaal's smile grew wider.
"Ah it's nothing for you to woooooory about, Ram," Roswaal said.
Subaru's eyebrows rose a little in surprise.
Roswaal stared at him, a bit of hope on the clown's expression. Ram's head tilted at his words.
"Alright," Subaru said, "Let's get to it, Roswaal."
"Gooood, your desire truly is strong," Roswaal whispered before raising his voice to ask, "Now, whaaaat is coming to Sanctuary?"
"Capella, Roy, the Great Rabbit, Meili, her mabeasts, Elsa, Kurgan, Theresia, and the destruction of Sanctuary at sunrise after the attack," Subaru listed off each one.
"Well theeeeen, it seems this loop can become finaaaaal."
Ram's eyes darted between the both of them, she was confused by the situation. But Subaru didn't focus on her for long, as it reminded him of how much of a liar she was. He held his emotions down again, trying to keep his mind focused.
"Yeah, are you going to work with me?" Subaru asked.
"Yeeeeees, I believe I shall," Roswaal answered.
"Alright, I'll come get you when the attack is close," Subaru said. The moment Roswaal tried to open his mouth to say anything more Subaru interrupted him, "I already have a plan."
With those words, Subaru walked out of the room. The moment he was on the other side of the door he closed it. From there he left the cabin.
Once outside, he walked into the forest, not letting himself collapse from guilt this time. He couldn't do anything that would make the others feel like they needed to act.
So he walked slowly. Even when all he wanted to do was throw himself into the nearest tree, breaking his skull open. But he knew now that he couldn't feel like that. His desire for punishment didn't matter in comparison to the need to get to Beatrice and Petra. He needed to find Beatrice's answer, he would do it. No matter how long it took he would find her answer. From there he would have people who cared about him.
At least until they realized how worthy of hate he was. In any case, he couldn't focus on that, he needed to keep going forward. He would figure it out along the way. As long as he persevered. As long as he repeated everything, over and over and over and over and over and over again, he'd find the best solution.
So once more, Natsuki Subaru smothered his desires. Forcing down who he was as a person until all that remained was a desire to continue.
Then he focused that desire to continue onto the next thing he would need for his plan.
Convincing Ryuzu Shima to trust him.
If he could do that, then Garfiel would go along with him. If Garfiel went along with him the others would follow. As they actually cared about Garfiel. The boy wasn't a horrible person, a contemptible person, he wasn't that. Garfiel wasn't Natsuki Subaru.
Slowly picking his way through the night, Subaru summoned spirits around him. He took care not to touch his old contract with Nan. The spirit's last words had been not to die for him. Subaru realized now he shouldn't have listened to him. It was the duty of Natsuki Subaru to die. To die so many times, to rerepeat life.
It was Natsuki Subaru's duty to pile up deaths. To gather together so many horrors, and so much pain, that no one else had to suffer. That was his duty. He would fulfill it, for Beatrice. He would find her answer. Trying every single thing that came into his mind. And when that didn't work, he would die. Then try everything else that came to his mind. Then if that didn't work, die again.
As his spirits went off in search of Shima Subaru stared down at his right hand. Tears leaked into his palm. He remembered the feeling of Echidna's hand wrapped in his own on that day. A wistful breath came from his lungs.
"I was right to take that hand," Subaru said, pushing down the massive regret in his chest, "You helped me, Echidna. I'm sorry for what I did that made you leave."
Subaru stared down at his feet as he waited for his spirits to bring word of Shima. All the pain of the Emilia camp grew in his mind. Those memories of Garfiel fighting Reinhard each day. Reinhard's agony. Emilia's broken mind. Ram's icy kindness, which didn't feel like kindness at all. Roswaal's smile.
They'd all had one thing in common, they'd all hated Subaru in some way. But unlike Garfiel the others hid it. And in that timeline where they'd all hated him, Subaru realized one thing, that was the right outcome. The only outcome.
Everyone would, and should, hate him. No matter what happened. There was no way around it. Only Petra hadn't hated him. She wasn't old enough to hate him, but still, she hadn't. Petra being the only one not to hate him was the best outcome.
And it was the future he would strive toward. He'd already achieved the perfect ending to Sanctuary. Now he needed to do it again. As long as he came away from Sanctuary with only Petra not hating him then he would accept that result. But he could also aim toward Beatrice not hating him for a time if he found her answer.
A bit of resolve entered him as his spirits gave him Shima's location.
He set back to walking, this time toward Shima. After a few minutes, he arrived at her hiding place. It was a small shack. From his spirits he knew that inside was a pink-haired woman, alone in a white robe, a cup of tea held up to her lips.
Subaru didn't hesitate to push open the door and step inside. Shima's blue eyes flicked to him the moment he entered.
"You-" She started to speak, but cut off when her nostrils flared, "...what do you want to do to Sanctuary."
"I want to stop it from being destroyed," Subaru responded, taking a seat at the table.
Shima stared at him, her hand shaking a little.
With that sight in his consideration, Subaru spoke again, "Don't try and make any sudden movements. I don't care if I have to kill you to stop what's going to destroy this place. I have someone who needs me. I can't let you get in the way."
Shima continued to look at him, mistrust stormed through her expression. But after a minute of thought, she said unexpected words, "You're telling the truth, aren't you?"
Subaru nodded.
"Who is it that needs you so much?" Shima asked.
"A little girl with blonde hair. She's been lonely for a long time, and I'm going to end that," Subaru said.
Shima's mistrust started to fade. She didn't speak for a minute. "How long has this girl been lonely?" She asked another question to gauge his honesty. Though there seemed to be something else in her eyes. Some recognition. Where was that from?
It didn't matter, so Subaru didn't think before answering, "She's been alone for four hundred years."
"Four… hundred… years," Shima whispered to herself, "Blonde…" A hopeful smile came onto the woman's face.
Subaru watched her, trying to discern what was going through her mind.
"Is her name Beatrice?" Shima asked.
Subaru reached for his spirits, gripping their mana. But he didn't move immediately, instead he said, "How do you know that name? You've never left this place."
"No…" Shima said, wistful, "But I've been inside the tomb."
"Ah," A little breath slipped from his mouth. So that's why she was ousted from the others. Subaru thought over that information, then moved to his next question, "What did you see in the tomb?"
"The past of Ryuzu Meyers."
Subaru sat forward in his chair, "Tell me what you saw."
"Why should I give you that information?" Shima's distrust returned to the surface.
"Because if I have it, then I'll have a better chance at finding a way to help Beatrice. She's been stuck in a library for the past four hundred years. I'm the only one who she lets in normally. So only I can find what she needs to come out," Subaru said.
Shima thought about it for a moment before saying, "How do I know that you truly care for her? And that you know Beatrice?"
"I'll answer any question you have for me."
Shima thought about that for a minute before saying, "Tell me the single most effective way to style Beatrice's hair. There's a real answer, it's not a trick question."
"The best way to style Beako's hair is to realize it's impossible, and that you should stop trying," Subaru said.
Shima nodded, satisfied with that answer, "Why do you even want to help Beatrice?"
"Because she's the last person who I can think of that doesn't lie."
"But she lies all the times, in her words, she doesn't say how she really feels," Shima said.
"You're wrong, Ryuzu Shima, Beatrice says what she means, you just have to realize that meaning isn't what you think it is."
"You just said what I said, Natsuki Subaru."
Subaru shook his head, "No."
Shima shook her head, then interrogated him over the course of nearly an hour about everything involving Beatrice, little facts about her, facets of her actions, and testing Subaru's desire to help her.
When it was all done Shima said, "Good, Natsuki Subaru, you truly want to help Beatrice. Now I'll tell you what I saw in the Witch of Greed's tomb."
For a little while, Shima told Subaru of all she'd seen in the trial.
By the end of it, Subaru stared at the girl, almost disbelieving what he'd heard.
So he decided to test her honesty, "Shima, can I ask you a question?"
"About Ryuzu Meyers?"
"No, about something else."
"Hm… alright. Go ahead."
"Do you hate me?"
"You did threaten to kill me after we'd just met. So yes, I do hate you, Natsuki Subaru."
Subaru nodded, "Now I believe what you told me of Sanctuary's past. And I have another question. How much did Ryuzu Meyers know about the Warlock of Melancholy?"
"Not all that much, aside from his name," Shima shrugged. Then got up to make another pot of tea.
"Can I stay here to think for a while?"
"What are you going to be thinking about, Natsuki Subaru?" Shima asked. Stressing his full name.
So she really does hate me. Good.
Subaru thought about a response before settling on, "Beatrice."
"Then yes, you can stay here to think. And you can have a cup of tea."
After a minute she gave him his cup, pouring out the tea. He didn't blow on it at all before drinking it. The steaming liquid poured down his throat. He could feel it burning his tongue but didn't care. Instead, he thought about everything Shima had told him.
And thus he remained, drinking tea, and thinking. In that way, he passed the entire rest of the night.
"Wheeeere are you going?" Roswaal asked Ram. Subaru had left a moment ago, and now Ram was also leaving.
"To make sure sister and Emilia-sama are doing well," She said.
"Well then, goooood luck," That was the last thing Roswaal said to her as she left.
Once outside the cabin Ram let the cold night air brush against her. She stared into the direction Subaru had gone. It was easy to identify, he hadn't hidden his tracks, or taken any care not to make them. But even knowing they were there, Ram didn't follow them.
In place of following him, she activated her Clairvoyance, seeking out his perspective. It was a quick process, after all, she'd looked through Subaru's eyes countless times. As soon as she found them she made sure he was doing well. Which he was. All he was doing was walking through the forest, with a few spirits to guide his way.
She didn't need to know where he was going, not right now. She needed to make sure he wasn't getting hurt or hurting himself. As she'd seen him do after the battle with the White Whale. But since neither of those things were happening, Ram moved toward Emilia's cabin. She needed to make sure the candidate and her sister were doing okay. Though she still kept Subaru's point of view in the back of her mind, watching to make sure he didn't do anything too stupid.
As she walked Ram had to contemplate Subaru's words, he'd spoken of that attack on Sanctuary. Ram had been able to pick out most of the names he'd spoken of, all except Roy and Capella. She didn't know when this attack would come, but she knew it would. Even if the things he'd said—like Theresia van Astrea, and Kurgan of the Eight Arms coming to Sanctuary—were from her understanding impossible. She still trusted that he wasn't lying.
Ram didn't let her emotions touch what she thought about next. This wasn't the time, she needed to work through the situation rationally first. And right now her logical mind was pointing toward needing to get Garfiel on Subaru's side.
"Idiot Barusu," Ram said, a tiny bit of warmth slipping into her. She reached for her Clairvoyance again, focusing on finding Garfiel. The tiger's vision soon came into her mind.
Then she sought him out. It took her around fifteen minutes to find the tiger. He was patrolling around the village, making sure nothing happened in the night. Their arrival into the Sanctuary had spurred this increase in suspicion from Garfiel. Though using her Clairvoyance, it wasn't hard to sneak up on him.
Garfiel responded well to people being straightforward, so that's what Ram planned to do. After she'd snuck up on him.
When she did manage to sneak up behind him she tapped him on the back.
"Garf," She said.
The boy snapped around, saying, "Ram? The hell ya sneakin' up on me fer?"
"I have reason to believe Sanctuary is going to soon come under attack," Ram said.
"Why do you think that?" Garfiel asked, but he wasn't doubting her, only probing for an explanation.
"Two reasons, one Emilia-sama. She is a silver-haired half-elf, the Witch's Cult will likely come after her, even here. Two, Barusu believes there will be an attack, and he knows a lot about the Witch Cult's moves," Ram explained. She guessed that the three names she hadn't recognized were Witch Cultists.
Suspicion now entered Garfiel's attitude, "Why does he know 'bout thr' moves?"
"I believe he tracks them for some form of revenge," Ram said. Giving her best guess as to why Subaru knew so much about their movements, "He knew where the White Whale would be when he orchestrated its death. And where Gluttony would be when we killed him."
"Aight slow down, Ram. Can you tell me what happened with the Whale and Gluttony?"
Ram recalled the events then explained her memories of what had happened.
Once she finished Garfiel stared at her, then said, "I'll have to go talk to the old hag about this."
Ram pulled up Subaru's vision again. He was sipping a cup of tea across a table from a white-robed Ryuzu.
I suppose Barusu has that handled. Ram thought. It made sense, he was smart, in certain respects. Though in others, like the fact that he hadn't asked for her help he was idiotic.
Now I have to get Otto. He should be trustworthy enough. Also, Garfiel can direct his suspicions onto him instead of Barusu. Or at least spread those suspicions out. She didn't like how utilitarian her thinking was, but it was necessary right now. Subaru had needed to go to Roswaal to defeat what was coming. So she couldn't afford to not use all the tricks at her disposal.
"Alright Garf, keep what I said in mind. We'll need your help to defend Sanctuary," Ram said.
Garfiel nodded absently, "The grannys'll know what to do," He whispered under his breath. When the words left his mouth he walked off into the forest, determination in his stride. He had to go find someone who could help him work through Ram's words.
Ram understood, and hoped Subaru was appealing to the right Ryuzu. She supposed she had to trust him, which she was fine with.
"Onto Otto," Ram said to herself. Then found the church's spire sticking into the sky. Once she glimpsed it she set off for it. Even if she barely trusted the merchant, she would have to use every resource. And Otto had been able to do some impressive things on the fly against Ley Batenkaitos. That same set of skills could be useful against the Witch's cult.
Otto Suwen woke to a touch. It was light, yet firm. Blinking the sleep out of his eyes he checked who'd woken him. It was Ram, the pink-haired maid. Another yawn came from his throat while he pushed himself from his bedding. Ram made a quiet gesture for him to follow her.
After a few more moments to wake himself up he obliged, then walked behind her out into the night air. Though birds did chirp aloud in their trees, heralding the rising of the sun. Otto rubbed a bit of water from his eyes. He stretched his arms out, while Ram stood still, submerged in thought.
Otto didn't bother her, he could tell she hadn't slept. And if Ram was normally mean, then he didn't want to even imagine what she would be like on a full day without sleep.
"Otto," Ram said, her voice serious. Her speech immediately cut down any thought Otto had had about her sleepless state. Her lack of sleep had done nothing to dampen her. She was just as rational right now as she always was. Maybe even more so.
"What is it, Ram?" He asked. His tiredness faded at her attitude.
"I need your help," She said.
Otto closed his eyes, forcing away any last piece of him that wanted to go back to sleep. When he opened his eyes Ram's mouth fell open a little.
"What do you need?" He said.
Ram explained what she'd heard from Subaru.
"That's certainly a large number of issues Natsuki-san has found himself in, I assume you want me to help you help him."
"Yes."
"Then let's get to it. We should find him first, we need more information," Otto said.
Now it was Ram's turn to close her own eyes, then she shook her head, "We can't go to Barusu right now, he's busy. We need to check on Rem and Emilia-sama, get them on board."
Otto agreed with her. That was also a good step to take, he couldn't imagine the candidate he now served was doing the best after that trial. From the look on her face, it had been a harrowing experience. Otto forced down all his distrust of the girl's appearance. Even with what he'd seen so far of her personality it was still difficult.
But if it would help Subaru, then Otto would trust the girl.
"Alright let's get to it, Ram-san," Otto said.
Ram led the way, not taking the time to insult him. Maybe she was more tired than he'd thought.
Tea slid down his throat. Along with a bit of food that Shima had made while he'd thought of a way to get Beatrice out of the library. As long as he focused on helping her, Shima was content to help him. Even if she would otherwise be suspicious of him.
The two didn't talk at all though, as Shima still very much didn't like him. He understood, so he didn't try to change her opinion of him. There was no point. If he showed himself to her more, then he would only make her hate him even more, that was the nature of his self.
So he drank more tea and kept thinking about what to do. Sometimes he had to force away the wish in his heart to recontract with Echidna. He needed to focus on thinking, not wishing.
But the world wasn't keen on letting him think. A few seconds later the door to Shima's cabin burst open. Subaru looked to the door, Garfiel stood there. His green eyes landed on Subaru, then anger ran through the boy.
"Ah, young Gar," Shima said, "Welcome. Would you like some tea?"
"Granny, what is he doin' here?" Garfiel held down anger in his voice.
Subaru had to force himself to remain in place and not try to leave. He still remembered those few loops when Garfiel didn't hate him. Why was it that the less he showed the more the boy hated him? It made no sense, it must have been that the more he showed the more Garfiel felt comfortable lying. That was the only thing that made sense. Subaru couldn't accept any other explanation.
Though a tiny part of his heart filled with hope. The hope that if he showed his self to Garfiel the boy wouldn't hate him. A tiny piece of him pushed for the words I'm sorry, to leave his mouth. That piece of him wanted to apologize for going behind Garfiel's back. For coming to his most trusted, with the goal of manipulating him.
But Subaru knew it would only result in Garfiel becoming better at lying. It would only remove the honesty from the boy, and Subaru couldn't have that. So he smothered his hope.
Another piece of him wondered if this was what Beatrice did. Forcing down hope. Did he open up hope within her? Hope that someone wasn't like all the rest. His hatred for this existence named Natsuki Subaru grew. He'd been lying to Beatrice, hadn't he?
Stop. Just focus on getting to her. Subaru had to force this new part of himself that had come to the surface down. It was difficult to prevent other parts from rising. He felt like a man, holding together a rope that was himself, but with each motion, that rope frayed more and more.
A new realization came to Natsuki Subaru. This state was not sustainable.
So he came up with a strategy.
He'd keep his focus for as long as he could. Then erase the loops where he did come apart. That was the strategy he would need to use. If his true self came to the surface, then everyone would show how much they hated him.
He hoped that would be the case, but knew it would not. They'd push on their false masks of kindness, and he couldn't have that. So while he stared at the angry, bordering on furious, Garfiel he pushed down anything that made him Natsuki Subaru. Leaving only an empty being. Something resembling a robot.
In this state, he could find Beatrice's answer. As long as he rerepeated everything over and over he could do it, no matter his deficiencies.
"Garfiel," Subaru said, "I need your help to defend Sanctuary." He needed the demi-human, it would give the others a true reason to fight. If the others only had Natsuki Subaru as motivation they wouldn't fight with their all. Not for someone they hated.
That was why when the others had been in danger from the Rabbit Otto abandoned Subaru.
"How can I trust you?" Garfiel asked, "How do I know you ain't attackin' your own cultist friends. How do I know you didn't sacrifice the Whale and Gluttony to gain everyone's trust, then destroy Sanctuary?"
"Young Gar," Shima put her hand up, forcing Garfiel to swallow his next questions.
"Granny?"
Shima thought for a moment, then said, "I trust Natsuki Subaru."
Garfiel's face creased with suspicion, "What did you do t'her?" Garfiel moved toward Subaru, who forced himself to remain relaxed.
"All I did was tell her why I wanted to protect Sanctuary," Subaru said.
Garfiel stopped, staring at him. A moment later he said, "'N'what's yer motivation?"
While Subaru was formulating a response, Shima answered for him, "Natsuki Subaru wants to help Beatrice."
"Who the fuck's that?" Garfiel asked.
"A dear friend of Ryuzu Meyers," Shima responded, "If he wants to help her, and I trust he does, then I believe he truly wants to help Sanctuary."
"Is that all, he doesn't want to protect the people here?" Garfiel asked.
"I never claimed to. I just want to get Beako out into the sun, if I get stuck here, dead in Sanctuary. Then I can't do that."
"Huh…" Garfiel didn't know how to respond to that.
"Work with him, young Gar, then we can both be rid of him," The woman said.
Garfiel crossed his arms, before saying, "Yeah fine, granny."
"Alright, now we can go get help from the others," Subaru said, shoving down any fear at that concept.
"Ram already wanted me to help you, guess granny does too," Garfiel responded.
Subaru froze. Then his face twisted and pain filled his heart. Why? Why does she pretend to be concerned about me? Why does she pretend to want to help me? STOP. He had to force his mind back on track.
Splitting his concentration, Subaru forced down his agony at Ram's lack of honesty. As well as the tiny hope that she did feel concerned for him. Both needed to go. So he drowned those emotions.
He didn't care about the explosion this would bring. The shattering of his inhibitions and release of these emotions. As long as he could hold it off for as long as possible, then erase the loop his walls fell in, then it would all be fine. Nothing would go wrong. It would be alright.
Once he'd finished holding himself together Subaru stood up from his chair, "Let's go."
Garfiel begrudgingly followed. The two men exited the cabin in silence. When they were out in the morning sun Subaru chose their direction. Rem's cabin would be the best place to go, but there would be so much lying there… so much. Rem would pretend to look at him with fondness. Then the moment she'd forgotten about him would kill him. But there was a contradiction there… Stop. He forced himself not to think about it, but his emotions moved on to another.
Emilia. She'd ground herself down in the trial. Which had in the end brought out her honesty. That was why she'd killed him, frozen him, made him fall apart. Because she'd already hated him.
But she didn't remember- Subaru choked that hope as well. It would only weigh him down.
In any case, he could feel Garfiel's hatred on him, infesting him. It was obvious.
"If you hold off on attacking me, then I'll leave after we've protected this place," Subaru said.
"What about Ram?"
Subaru knew what his response needed to be, "I'll leave without her, she hates me anyway, she'd never follow me."
"You did something to influence her," Garfiel said, not quite understanding the words that had come out of Subaru's mouth.
"All I've done is be who I am, that's why she hates me."
Garfiel finally realized what Subaru had said, all that came out of his mouth was, "Huh."
The boy didn't say anything more. Subaru could feel that his anger had faded a bit, but that was certainly his perception failing.
Either way, Garfiel would hate him, it was only a matter of time. Even if his anger faded for a little while, it would still return stronger. Once the tiger got to know him more. That was how it worked. So Subaru crushed all his personal feelings, all his beliefs and kept walking.
Their silence didn't end again, not even when they reached Emilia's cabin. There was no reason for them to speak. He'd forced Garfiel to work with him after all.
But when they entered the cabin, there was no silence. Subaru stopped in the hallway. Not opening Emilia's door once he noticed that people were speaking inside. He picked out the voices of Rem, Emilia, Ram, and Otto, all in the same room.
Why do they keep lying? He didn't let any more thoughts enter his mind. Instead, he pushed open the door, steeling himself for their lies and deceit.
"Barusu," Ram was first to react, her voice was full of false excitement, false warmth. Her insults would come next, Subaru prepared himself for the pain they would bring with them.
But she didn't get the chance as the others all greeted him, "Subaru-kun." Rem went second behind Ram, nodding her head to him. A smile landed on her face. If he was still ignorant of her true feelings toward him he would have taken comfort in it, but that time had passed.
"Hey, Natsuki-san, I heard you needed my help," Otto said, smugness filling his expression. Or at least that's what Subaru thought it was. Otto helping him out of nothing but pity and entertainment value.
"Subaru," Emilia's broken silver bells came next. Her eyes turned to him. They were dull, empty. He couldn't help but see the same eyes that had stared down at him as he collapsed into a pile of broken ice. He rubbed at his arms, holding off that phantom memory of the cold. Even if it didn't pain him for the most part, his heart did twist at that look, and at the cold.
Staring at all the people gathered he had to hold down all his memories. Which took him a while, enough to make the others think they needed to lie.
"Barusu, are you alright, idiot?" Ram asked, throwing in a last-second insult. She didn't even have the true concern to think up a clever insult. A small hopeful part took it as she was too concerned to think of one. He strangled that hope. He needed a more permanent solution. He couldn't let his heart keep pushing its thoughts to the top. They would only make getting to Beatrice more difficult.
"I'm fine, no need to worry," He didn't try to push a smile onto his face. Not that he didn't want to, he knew he would have never managed anything convincing. Those days when his fake smiles could be convincing had passed. They'd been gone for a long time.
Yet even without a horrible fake smile. Ram still looked concerned. So did Rem and Otto. Emilia still looked pained from the trial, unable to think of how to treat Subaru. Hate, that's how she should treat him, he almost blurted out the words to her, but he kept them back.
Was he growing worse at holding these things down, or more adept? He didn't know, it didn't matter so long as he erased the loop where he failed to hold them down. Or loops. He would be at this for a long time. Hopefully though, after he liberated Sanctuary his savepoint would update. And from there he would be able to spend all his looping on Beatrice.
That would be ideal, but he couldn't plan completely for that, couldn't hope for it. Satella didn't love him, she hated him, that was how it worked. She pretended to love him, to torture him better.
So he couldn't expect her to be merciful with the savepoints. After all, she'd set the savepoint after Rem was devoured last time. Though that might have been her being merciful, for once.
Maybe back then, Rem had hated him.
But that was a thought process he didn't want to entertain. So he forced himself back out of his mind, to notice that everyone was still looking at him. They were trying to think of a lie to say to him. And Ram had closed the distance between them and was now standing close to him, yet a tiny bit distant.
Subaru knew he would need to break the silence, but had no idea how to go about it.
"Natsuki-san," Otto broke it for him, "Ram told us all that you need help defending Sanctuary."
Subaru wasn't surprised at her false concern, not anymore. So he was able to respond right away in that same cold voice, "Yeah, there are a lot of dangers coming to Sanctuary, defending against them will be difficult."
"Well then, moronic Barusu, do you have a plan?" Ram asked.
"Yeah, here's what it is…"
Once he'd explained the plan he moved them to the location where Elsa and Meili would arrive. From there he explained all the fighting styles of each invader. Then helped the others with how that would relate to their fighting styles. When they finished that they moved on to making preparations to deal with Elsa, Meili, and the others.
After the entire day had passed the group decided their preparations were done for now. So most of them split off to go and sleep till tomorrow, where they would need to be well-rested to fight. Except for two.
Ram and Subaru stayed in the same location where they'd been getting ready for Elsa and Meili. Subaru himself had no idea why Ram had stayed. Her eyes were drooping, and she hadn't slept in two days. The tiredness was getting to her. But still, she stayed around him.
Though maybe the idea did come to him. She was just torturing him, it was so simple. What he didn't understand was why she cared about that, usually when Ram hated someone she didn't interact with him. It had been that way back in the last timeline. She had called him Natsuki Subaru-sama and hated every second she had to interact with him.
Why was this Ram different?
The question rose on his lips. Unfortunately, he was unable to stop himself from asking, "Why are you doing this, Ram, why do you hate me?"
Ram met his eyes. Warmth-NO-hatred entered her red eyes. Her tired body walked toward him, her lips worked for an answer, she said nothing. Subaru took a step back from the girl but collided with a tree behind him. Ram continued forward, eventually reaching out to grab him. On instinct, he forced down any reaction he had to her actions.
So he stared at her, silent, while she wrapped her arms around him. A short yawn fell from her throat, "Haaaa, idiot Barusu."
Her voice was so warm.
Why was Ram so good at lying?
Subaru's legs gave way beneath him, he slid down to the floor, Ram coming with him. The girl had wrapped herself around him, he didn't know what to do, so he let her stay like that. He stared down at the girl's hair, in the darkness of the night there was no color to it.
Tears slid down his face, dripping into her strands of colorless hair. He held back the scream in his throat. Then once he smothered one scream, another rose. It was a battle to keep each part of himself back.
In the middle of it, a scream tore out of him, but Ram was far too tired to wake up, so she only continued to sleep.
He continued his battle, his attempt to hold all the fraying parts of himself together.
After a few minutes, he won the battle. Barely. When it was done sobs rang out.
They were the sobs of a terrified boy. A twisted boy. A boy on the edge of breaking. A boy who didn't let himself sleep, for fear that he might whisper something about how mangled he'd become.
Natsuki Subaru stayed awake that entire night, with a girl whose colors were hidden by the night sleeping in his arms—each breath illustrated how tenuous his grip on the cliffside was, how close his nails were to peeling off, leaving him to fall into the sea—a boy who held down a tantrum of sheer suffering—a boy who had grasped onto a single goal, needing something to hold on to—a boy whose constant sobbing sounded a bit like wheezy laughter, and at the same time cries of agony—but deepest of all, and hidden from himself, he was a boy who wasn't even sure if he wanted to keep going—would it be better, to just let himself fall from the cliff, to slip into the sea below, to let himself be taken by the current, and to tell Satella that he was done, would that be better—was that what he wanted… he didn't know, but it would have been so easy, so easy to just die, to just stop coming back, to not have to worry about their lies.
In that moment the boy had to hold himself from biting off his tongue and being done with it all.