Isekai'd, My Posterior!
#SaveRalph
The walk back to Izalith's surface had been worse than enduring the infamous walk of shame after a night of drunken romping with a woman William wouldn't even recognize the morning after. The saddest part of that statement was that William unfortunately did always remember the name of the woman he had slept with… and that was because out of all the times he had gotten lucky (without a crazy woman hungry for his nether's), it could be counted with less than three fingers.
This current scenario was mildly different, however; yet mostly more embarrassing. And that was due to two things: one, he had once again been mind-raped by Nito before being teleported to a safe distance, and two; he had no Estus left to heal the lacerations that had gotten through Bone Daddy's ultimate defense.
The good part was that there were no demons alive. Literally, however Nito had killed the Bed of Chaos, Quemera's death had caused a chain reaction within the Demon Ruins, causing every Taurus, Capri, humungous worm and the occasional scarab to implode. Even the Demon Firesage wasn't exempt from having his ass turned inside out. It was honestly the most disgusting thing he had ever seen in his life – and William had been to campus rave parties with nymphomaniacs. So he knew that this was much worse.
That said, he couldn't say it was all that terrible. Their souls ended up flying straight into his Darksign the moment it sensed his presence and he ended up collecting a crap-ton of titanite of assorted shapes and sizes. The only downside was that he could barely walk because of how banged up he was. Oh well, at least he was still alive. Yay for semi-immortality.
Still though, he was a little concerned. If Quemera's death meant the death of all the demons within Izalith, did that mean her mutated daughters would also suffer the same fate? And what about Cecil?
The indifferent, 'I'm-a-dick' side of him barely flicked a glare at the implication of them dead when he re-entered the sanctuary. The other side of him that oozed entire Tresemmé bottles of care for those other than himself was having a minor seizure at the thought.
Even though he would deny it, William had gained an unbreakable bond with two of those four Daughters' of Chaos – three bonds if he counted the bout of singing he did with Quelaan (which he most likely would count, because damn that had been fun). With that in mind, he wasn't about to just accept that the Spider Waifu's were… dead. That would be a crime to Spider Waifu's, goddammit!
Shaking his aching head, William trailed toward a lengthy hallway that was still intact from the monstrous explosion Quemera's corpse had left behind. The air felt quite cool on this side of Izalith, probably due to it being close to the entrance. William merely assumed it was because the size of the damned place was monolithic. Seriously, how big did a mofo need to be that Izalith decided to create a passageway large enough to house Kalameet's Big Momma?
The undead shrugged. What was more important was finding the lift system to get his injured ass out of here.
He came across the secret door that should have been locked and found a forest of those hip-hopping head-corrupting parasite's Solaire had been so happy wear as a headdress dead under a few ashen roots. Smiling weakly that he wouldn't need to save the lovable idiot, he leaned over to grab the glowing body of the bug at the end of the corridor before skirting around a fallen root only to find the passageway he had been searching for.
Thankfully, there weren't any ass-sentries blocking the way toward the only lift in bloody Izalith, and he could take the scenic route for once whilst basking in the peace and quiet. The only issue was that there were stairs. Lots and lots of stairs. And five levels, all set in a square tower of blackened rock.
William groaned in displeasure as his limping legs took to the first flight, his right arm hugging his stomach as he tried in vain to fight against the fatigue and pain blistering his skin. This was one of the reasons he really hated Dark Souls.
The idea of simply using his Darksign to return to the sanctuary had crossed his mind prior to arriving here. Though the thought of tapping into the undead curse, screaming in agony as you basically commit suicide as your human flesh rapidly decays back to hollowness and your souls fall to the ground in a bloodstain as if you're shitting your life out, was something the undead really wasn't up to experiencing. Thus, scaling a seemingly endless stairway in absolute agony was a better fit.
After climbing up the second flight of stairs and having to heave air back into his lungs to ensure he didn't pass out from asphyxiation, William realized that he still hadn't bothered to increase his stamina whilst at Quelaan's bonfire, before he cussed and kicked a wall out of anger – only to yelp in pain when he incidentally stubbed his toe.
He couldn't even use the bonfire three flights below him either. The pathway to the boss room where the still petrified Centipede Demon was had been blocked off by falling rubble. It was like the cuck that brought him here only wanted to prolong his suffering to the max. Goddamn Isekai troupes. He should have spent more time insulting the mechanics of Honey Select Unlimited, at least then the only trouble he'd have to face was being sucked dry from an insatiable air stewardess with a spanking fetish.
After dragging himself up the final flight of stairs and crawling onto the lift dais, William allowed his overworked body a grateful lapse of repose as the circular disk against his chest clicked and began to raise him back to civilization.
He really needed to stop doing things out of the badness of his heart. The eventualities would almost always end up with him half dead and feeling like an overused butt-plug. Oh well, another yay of semi-immortality, he guessed before passing out.
"He's not back yet."
"And yet again, I don't understand why it matters." Quelaag replied boredly as she cleaned her nails before a paranoid Quelana, who was quite the definition of ruffled.
"He said that he'd come back, didn't he?" the Mother of Pyromancy asked as she dug a trench into the floor with her small feet. "He told you in simple words that he would return. Right? Right?"
"You're overacting, sister." Quelaag said dismissively only to find a pair of hands grab her shoulders and pull her forward. The Chaos Witch raised a brow in surprise when she found her elder sister's furious gaze tinged with more than a teaspoon of worry.
"He's not back yet, for Gwyn's sake! What happened to him after that tremor caused nearly half of the ceiling to crush us?!"
She did have a point. That tremor – which was honestly more akin to a tribe of fully grown giants jumping at the same time – had nearly killed them all. Quelaan, Quelana, Eingyi, Kirk and the last living members of their family that were currently snoring like wild oxen. They were only lucky that Quelaag possessed the quick thinking to run up the walls and weave enough webbing to prevent such a calamity from occurring.
In the same line of thinking, one's thoughts would obviously go to the silver-haired undead that had yet to grace them with his decidedly charming visage. And whilst her elder sister allowed procrastination and her penchant for pessimism to cloud her collected mind, Quelaag spent that time wondering just what the enigmatic undead was up to down there.
After she had left his side, any doubts that he would die tragically and go hollow had barely poked a finger at her mind. After all, if he could casually waltz into her domain and win her sister over with nothing but song and dance, she was certain he possessed enough wit to pull himself out of the borehole they had entered without much incidence.
Asking the firstborn of the family to behave in similar air of confidence for the bold man with a sharp tongue was the problem.
Out of everyone here, only Quelana seemed to fear for William's life. It wasn't really that hard to imagine, given that her elder sister almost always expressed her attraction for men via sarcasm and dry insults, but to behave this brazenly concerned as if she were the man's betrothed was… quite something.
Quelaag grinned maliciously at her elder sister. Oh, it was going to be fun exploring all the ways to tease her when William departed.
"Quelaag's right." They turned at the soft but clear tone of Kirk's voice as he leaned against a nearby egg and folded his arms. "You shouldn't worry about the Thief."
Shock and insecurity shifted to fury and annoyance as Quelana left her sister's side to round on the Knight of Thorns. Quelaag's grin merely grew in size. This was going to be very interesting once the undead went away.
"How can you say such a thing? William has done more for my ailing sister than you have in the decades served under our Covenant!"
The Darkwraith's hand tensed against his forearm but said nothing. Whether the strike to his manhood hurt or not, he wasn't one to rise to paltry foul-mouthing.
"Have you forgotten how he healed Quelaan of her affliction? Or are the presence of Cecil and Quelure lost behind that crazed fixation of death you seem to exude perpetually? If anything, we should be worrying about his safet-"
"If he's the shrewd undead you stake him to be," Kirk cut her short, "then he'll have no issue arriving to us alive."
Quelana frowned at him, confusion welling up in her mind at how blasé he was behaving out this when his voice rang out once more, clear as crystal and sharp as glass.
"Being confident in his skills is the courtesy I pay him. Or is your perception of him just as short-sighted as your bravery?"
The words of rebuke died on her tongue as he stared at her, never moving an inch as he calmly told her she was the one at fault.
"Whether he is a detestable cur, he made a vow to Quelaag that he would return. He would be even more of a fool if he betrayed such a declaration," said the Darkwraith before pushing off the wall.
Quelana watched him as he neared Quelaan and sat down on a fallen piece of rock, silently watching the Fair Lady hum to Eingyi as if he weren't physically there to begin with.
Quiet reigned upon them for a fair amount of time as the first Daughter of Chaos processed her rash behavior and cultivated a decent attitude. From the side, Quelaag watched it all unfold and relax with a pleased smile on her flawless features. It was a good idea Quelaan had stopped her from killing Quelana. Where else would she have gained such drama to fuel her soul?
The tempo of clinking stone met her ears and she turned to the hole in the floor where the lift once was. Another smile graced her face as the sound grew louder, drawing Quelana and Kirk's attention as the ancient dais appeared and clanked into place, depositing one thoroughly messed up William onto the sanctuary.
Sorry for stopping it here. The word count was going to exceed 2, 000.
Hope you're all enjoying this so far. If you have any other ideas revolving around William and his questionable travels that you'd like to see, feel free to throw them in. I'm sure I can incorporate a few more wacky ideas for the plot or character persona's.