Subaru opened his eyes to a shadowy realm. There were two presences in the place with him. He could see them with his eyes. Eyes which were the only part of him that existed here.
A young boy with brown hair watched him, along with a silver-haired woman. Subaru forced the boy down, not letting him even appear. Then he turned all his attention to the woman.
He wanted to embrace her, but he had no body to achieve it. Shadows covered the woman, yet he knew exactly what the woman looked like.
Her soul whispered into his own.
"Do you want to go back?" Her voice, unanticipated yet comforting, filled his mind.
Subaru closed his eyes. He didn't know the answer to her question.
"Satella I…"
"It's okay for you to think, my love. We have enough time."
Subaru took the woman up on that offer and thought. So much of him wanted to let go. To fall into Satella's arms and let it all end. He was so close to it. Tears leaked from his eyes, even though he had no body to make them.
If he had a mouth a scream would have torn from him. But as it stood now, only tears fell from his eyes. They were endless, and so was time.
Still, he remembered what it was like to have a body. He rubbed phantom arms with phantom hands. His fingers caught on a piece of fabric. Somehow his memories of it were still so clear. It was almost like that handkerchief on his wrist was still there. It was the most real thing here. More real than any of the shadows. Or his eyes. Or the imaginings of his body.
Steeling his resolve, he finally said, "Satella I… I need to go back."
"Good luck, my love."
"I need to give Petra her handkerchief back. She's the only one of them that isn't a liar."
Satella dipped her head. The shadows retreated along with her, and Subaru left her domain, returning to the real world.
Subaru opened his eyes. Night reigned, but the darkness wasn't the same as the last time he'd looped. Tears started falling from his eyes.
"Beako…" He kept his voice at a whisper. But it almost turned into a scream, a bloody cry.
Subaru stared into the tomb, the odor of wet and cold stone pierced his nose. But he ignored it. Emilia's form, walking toward him, blocked it out. Everything about her was gray. Her eyes, gray. Her hair, gray. Everything, gray.
A moment later, he pulled his eyes away from her and turned to where Ryuzu, Garfiel, Otto, Ram, and Rem all waited. They were all gray as well.
His neck fell back and his vision turned to the moon which hung above. Its gray color stood out to him.
Subaru's vision darted around, taking in every sight. The leaves on each tree held the same gray.
Ryuzu's pink hair was gray.
Ram's hair was the same shade of gray.
Garfiel's matched the others.
And Rem's did as well.
Otto's hair was still the same shade, but now it was off-putting, something was wrong.
"Where'd they go?" Subaru whispered. He descended the steps, going to where everyone was standing. A daze filled his mind. After his last death, he didn't know how to think.
"Barusu, what's wrong?" Ram asked.
Subaru turned to look at the maid. But he didn't respond to her question. He only continued to try and drink in every sight, every aspect of the world. He tried to find something.
Natsuki Subaru was looking for a single speck of color in a dull world.
He didn't find it.
For a few minutes, he stood still. His mind didn't move either. Outside of his mind though, time kept pushing forward. Rem tried to calm Emilia down. At the same time, Otto, Garfiel, and Ram were gazing at him. Almost certainly trying to figure out new ways to torture him.
Eventually, Subaru gathered his mind together, forcing away his daze. He needed to get to Petra, to give her this handkerchief back. That's what he would do. He stared at the gray world before him. And at all the people in his sight.
They were all liars. Horrible people. They wanted to torture him, they hated him. He didn't blame them. Subaru's body was still as he thought. He didn't have the energy to move and think at the same time, not anymore.
In the end his actions didn't matter, Natsuki Subaru was someone so deserving of hatred and disgust that he'd be hated in all circumstances. Yet still, another part of him wanted to live free of the lies. He would protect Petra, he would repeat life billions of times if it meant keeping her alive.
The people here… they'd keep lying to him. Why should he attempt his life a million times over, redoing everything again and again? Why? Why should he repeat for them? He couldn't find an answer. Why couldn't he find an answer? It wasn't important. He crushed that desire.
As soon as he did so, more questions rose. What if they didn't hate him? Would he repeat his life for them then? Subaru held that part of himself down. The questions weren't worth considering. They weren't. There was no doubt in his heart that they hated him. He'd killed any doubt that existed. Right? Yes… he had. So there was no consideration of whether they were lying or not.
Because everyone around him did lie.
But Petra wouldn't lie. She was young. Subaru could teach her honesty.
Yes, that's what he'd do. He'd guide Petra into being truthful.
He would teach her, then when he finished she would say, "I hate you, Subaru."
That would be perfect. She'd tell the truth.
Even while thinking about this perfect future, tears came to his eyes. A deep pain plagued him at the thought.
Shit. He grimaced at the pain. He would need to suppress this horrible thing called Natsuki Subaru for the time being. The identity of himself needed drowning. So that's what he did.
Once more, he gathered all his mental fortitude and shoved down everything that made him Natsuki Subaru. If it was all gone, then he'd be able to act right, to strive for the perfect future, of Petra despising him openly.
Ram, Otto, and Garfiel's expressions all changed as he did this. He didn't care to pick out what the expressions were, they would all be lies anyway. That was how it was.
Subaru stared down at his hands, they didn't shake at all. Perfect stillness filled him.
Natsuki Subaru was silent. Brilliant. Now the individual that was himself couldn't mess anything up. He could die over and over again for Petra now, unabated. It was easier to hold himself down this time, he was growing more practiced. That was good.
Right? If it was good, why did a deep part of himself still hurt? Why did he have to keep suppressing himself? Because Natsuki Subaru was horrible. That's why. The question didn't matter anyway, he could suppress almost all of Natsuki Subaru.
But there was one part he couldn't suppress.
The part of himself that looked upon all the people here, and cared about them. That part hated the actions he was contemplating. It came almost like a little voice in his heart, telling him to stop. Telling him that he couldn't hurt these people.
But Subaru didn't care about that voice. He expected to hurt them. After all, he was Natsuki Subaru. A failure. A horrible being. Something worthy of absolute animosity. What was this voice to try and resist that? Caring for these people? He was Natsuki Subaru. They'd take any of his care and reject it. As that was what happened to Natsuki Subaru.
The lying was what pushed him to ignore that part of himself. If they just hated him, he would have supported them. But they hated him and lied. So why did it matter? He couldn't help these people. All he could do is bring more lies from them. Why should he do that?
He should help the person who would hate him openly. Petra, after he taught her.
Another voice popped out from within.
What if he failed to teach her?
Subaru kept that idea down. He'd focus all his repetitions on her, he wouldn't fail.
"Barusu, what is that look on your face?" Ram asked.
Why was she still lying? WHY? Subaru kept himself calm. Her lies, why did she still do it? Maybe he hadn't gotten used to this, maybe he never would, all the more reason to go through with his plan then.
"Nothing Ram, it's fine. Don't worry about it," he said. Before Ram could speak, Subaru turned himself toward the church and began to walk.
He had somewhere he needed to be.
"Where are you going?" Ram said.
Subaru didn't respond. Instead, he walked while forcing himself to remain calm.
Subaru's back got smaller and smaller as he continued to walk away from Ram. The pink-haired maid held his expression in her mind's eye.
The absolute lack of any emotion, yet the impression that he was about to break stuck with her. Ram didn't know what to think of the face he'd made. It made no sense. A few moments ago he'd been completely fine, doing far better than he'd ever been. Yet after he'd gone up to the top of the steps, and gazed into the trial hallway, he'd come back down… damaged.
Something had hurt him, gravely. Maybe he'd remembered something from that horrible past of his. There was no way for him to have had a good past. It was inconceivable after the way he'd been when he'd come to the mansion for the first time.
"What happened?" Ram asked herself. Wracking her brain, she came up empty. The most she could guess was something he'd seen had triggered a memory from his past. Aside from that though, she had no information to go off of. Subaru had made only a few vague mentions of his past. All she knew was he was incredibly skilled at weird things.
Ram tightened her fist. She should have gotten Subaru to open up more in those two months at the mansion. But there was no way to change that now. She had to work with what she had.
So she kept down her doubts and began to think. In a few moments, she'd come up with a few things.
Subaru was traveling in the direction of the church. She couldn't let him do whatever he was planning, at least not alone. He would need help, or even if he didn't need her help, it would still make his job easier if she went along. Still, she needed something else.
"Otto," Ram said, her mind latching onto that something, "can you go to the church? Barusu is doing something odd, and he's headed there."
"Yeah, something happened to him," Otto replied, agreeing with her, "I'll get to the church."
Ram nodded then moved over to where Rem was trying to comfort Emilia. The trial was still bothering the girl and keeping her from focusing on anything. She needed Rem to even stand. Ram made sure that the both of them were fine, then went to follow Subaru.
Otto had already walked out into the forest. Now Ram needed to accompany Subaru while using Otto to prevent him from doing anything untoward at the church. She couldn't imagine him doing something like that, but the look in his eyes…
There had been something about it. Some twisted glint that scared her a little. She had no way to explain it, other than it had felt off. There was also the fact that his eyes had seemed like that of a corpse. But there'd been a glint in them, something a corpse didn't have. That something stuck with her.
Something had happened to Subaru, and she would need to help him deal with it. Even if that entailed going against what he wanted.
With that determination in her mind, Ram set off in the same direction as Subaru, following him. It didn't take her long to come up behind him. He had been walking at a slow pace, so it was easy for her to walk fast enough to reach him.
"Barusu," Ram called out, "where do you think you're going?"
Subaru's head snapped around. For a moment his eyes filled with a mix of sadness, guilt, despair, distrust, and betrayal. Then in the next instant, all of that was gone. Replaced with the cold dead eyes he'd worn when they'd first met. Any speed or urgency from his body vanished. His movements became slow, methodical. Yet they seemed too controlled as if he was struggling to remain calm.
"I was going to check on Patrasche, she's probably getting a little lonely," he said. His voice sounded like ice. There was no warmth in it. And when he said the name of his ground dragon it almost seemed like he was talking about any old object.
Which was antithetical to everything she'd seen him show for the ground dragon.
"What happened when you looked into that hallway, Barusu? Did you remember something? Or did you see something?"
"All I saw was Emilia, nothing else."
"You're lying, you saw something, or something happened, what was it?" She asked once more. But again, he didn't respond. Instead, he went back to walking toward the church. Ram followed, keeping alongside him.
His eyes flicked down to her and his fist tightened. After a moment his fist loosened, and any emotion that had slipped onto his face was gone.
"Why are you hiding your emotions? Are you enough of an idiot to think anyone will believe you're strong for it? Stop hiding them, moronic Barusu," Ram said.
"I'm not," he said, "nothing is happening."
"Where are you going then?" She asked as they stepped between two trees.
Subaru parted his lips, then repeated his previous words in that same emotionless voice, "I have to check on Patrasche."
"Why?"
"To see…" he trailed off, thinking to himself, "wait… could she… could Patrasche have them?"
"Barusu, what're you whispering about?" Ram said.
What's happening to him? What did he see? Ram still had no idea what was going on with the boy. Something was bothering him, Ram had to figure out what, and how to get him to talk about it. If he didn't talk about it then it would consume him. She'd already seen what had happened with Roswaal. Granted that had been over a much longer time, she guessed it had been four hundred years. At least from the way he spoke about his teacher the jump was easy to make.
Yet still, she didn't want a similar thing to happen to Subaru if he didn't rely on the people around him. Or he didn't trust them… but that made no sense. Only two days ago he'd slept soundly with her. But Subaru didn't make sense, she'd grown used to that. So it was possible he had lost trust in them, and now wouldn't open up.
It could be Garfiel, though Subaru had only known him for a day, and Garfiel hadn't done anything to him.
It made no sense. Ram needed to figure it out though, and fast, otherwise this thing could consume him. If he kept repressing himself like this all his feelings will come bursting out. She knew that well. She had a habit of hiding her feelings, especially from Rem. It usually didn't end well if she was too strict with herself. So that's why she wouldn't let Subaru head down this path any longer, at least not alone.
Maybe he was better at it than her, and he could hold down his emotions longer. Even then, he would never be able to hold them down forever. So Ram searched her mind for anything she could use.
All the while Subaru kept whispering.
"Yeah, Patrasche could have them… Patrasche doesn't…" he sounded like he'd cut himself off, but continued a second later, "yeah she isn't one. I think. I can… right? It's Patrasche, yeah, I can… but I might need to test it… right? Yeah, I can't…"
Ram didn't show that she'd heard anything Subaru had said, if she tried to call it out he would retreat more, not less. She'd already seen that. She needed another way to deal with this. Which was easier said than done.
"But she could… she definitely could, I need to check," Subaru said, then bolted away from her. His body shot into a sprint as he dashed toward the church.
"Idiot Barusu," Ram whispered, pushing her own injured body into a run. She chased him through the forest, yet he didn't seem to be running away. He was running to the church, not from her. But that didn't help her, so she focused all of herself on getting to him.
Her breath turned ragged fast, but she didn't let herself slow down. The real problem was that Subaru didn't slow down either. He should have been slower than her. And he would have been. If she wasn't injured. Also, he had enough willpower to force himself to run at his fastest speed even when he shouldn't be able to. Ram had to copy that ability.
The two of them sprinted through the forest, ducking, vaulting, and weaving around trees. It wasn't long before they approached the steps up to the church. Once they did get there Subaru ran up the steps without stopping. When Ram arrived she had to brace herself for the immense pain in her legs from her bones creaking.
She should have been healing and resting right now, but she had to get to Subaru. So she ignored every screaming part of her body and followed him.
"Barusu!" She shouted out as the two reached the top of the steps; she grabbed onto him, but he shook her off. He pushed himself around to the side of the church where the dragon carriage was. Patrasche would be waiting back there. That's where Subaru was going. With that information, she kept following him. Even when all her body wanted to do was collapse.
By the time the two of them got there, they found Patrasche's sleeping form and Otto's idle form. The merchant had been waiting for them here, along with Patrasche. Just as Ram had told him. A smile slipped across her face that Otto was here.
"Patrasche…" Subaru whispered, his breath heavy and full of something Ram couldn't quite describe. Ram walked up next to Subaru, checking his expression. In the tiny amount of light the moon afforded her, she could pick out tears in his eyes.
"Barusu what is it…?"
"Natsuki-san, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," emotion slipped into his voice, finally, "Patrasche."
The way he said the ground dragon's name caused Ram to flinch. There was so much warmth in the way he said her name.
"Barusu, what's going on?"
"Black, her scales are black."
Tears filled Subaru's eyes. Patrasche had color. She had so much color. It was so wonderful. She was so vivid in this monochromatic world.
"Patrasche," he whispered her name once more, then walked toward her. He ignored Otto and Ram. They were gray. They were liars. He couldn't bring himself to care about them, not when they wanted to lie about hating him.
But Patrasche, she wasn't a human. It's possible she liked this thing that was Natsuki Subaru. Yeah… that made sense. She could love him. Right? Yeah… yeah… but did she?
He'd have to verify, that was the only thing that made sense. But right now he didn't care about how he would do that. He would embrace the last bit of color he still had. Pushing Otto away from Patrasche he knelt down to her sleeping form.
"Come on, so much color," he said, leaning toward her and wrapping his arms around her hulking form. Well, trying to. He couldn't get his arms all the way around, but he tried. Embracing the ground dragon Subaru let the tears fall from his eyes, and drip down onto her scales.
Ram and Otto were speaking to each other, or were they talking to him? It didn't matter. Wait… what if they knew Patrasche cared about him? What if they knew he cared about Patrasche?
What if…? Oh… what if they tried to take her away, or kill her? Or worse. His memories of Capella's torture filled him. What if they tried to do that to Patrasche?
He had to protect her. That's what he needed to do. Yeah.
Natsuki Subaru added another goal into his mind. It went alongside his desire to protect Petra and teach her to hate him. It was to protect Patrasche, with everything he had.
But what if Patrasche doesn't love me? Instead of forcing down this doubt, Subaru kept it. All he would need to do to ensure that Patrasche cared for him was verify her love for him.
"But how do I verify?" He searched through his mind, thinking of a way to test Patrasche's loyalty to him. A few solutions presented themselves to him, and he turned his vision to Otto and Ram.
His eyes flicked between them, "Would it… no I shouldn't be thinking of this." He tried to stop himself, but that immense desire to rely on someone crushed any objections.
With his own protests stopped he continued to plan. I can't do anything to verify Patrasche's loyalty until she's awake. So anything I do needs to wait until tomorrow. Yeah till tomorrow. Subaru delayed any decision he would make. A bit of fear rose in his heart that his main protest to that idea had been Patrasche was asleep. But Subaru crushed it. There was no point in thinking about it. Not right now at least.
Subaru looked back at the black ground dragon, then pushed his back into her stomach. Subconsciously, Patrasche curled around him, offering a sort of chair for him. He would need it. Subaru rested on her wondrous black scales, so full of color, but didn't let himself fall asleep. He had to stay awake.
His vision returned to Otto and Ram, he would need to make sure neither of them did anything to Patrasche. Right now they were glancing in his direction as they whispered to each other. He couldn't hear anything they were saying, but he knew they were plotting. He knew. There was no other explanation. They were plotting to kill Patrasche.
Subaru held his eyes open and watched. As minutes began to tick by Ram and Otto noticed he wasn't going to move. After a moment Ram moved in to check on him, but he warded her away with his hand and a few words.
"Let's keep an eye on him," Ram whispered to Otto. Subaru made no sign he'd heard.
They were trying to kill Patrasche. Liars. Such liars. They were so horrible. Why couldn't they be honest? Why did they have to insist on torturing—
Subaru cut himself off, he needed to focus himself. He needed to suppress Natsuki Subaru. So that's what he did once more, forced down all his thoughts and focused on keeping watch.
For the entire night, he did that. All the while Ram and Otto watched from a little ways away. They were out of sight, but he knew they were around thanks to his spirits. As they watched, Subaru planned.
Need to get Ram away, otherwise the verification won't work. How do I do that though? Eh, I can figure it out later. As long as I get Ram away then it'll all be fine.
If I use Ram for the second part though, could that work…? Subaru thought about it for a moment. Then shook his head. No, it definitely wouldn't work. He didn't know why he'd even considered it. There was a clear barrier to that plan working. It needed to be Otto for the second part.
Now how to get Ram away? Subaru spent the rest of the night contemplating all those questions.
Hours later, the sun rose above. It was the first day of the loop. He'd need to do his plan today, if he waited it wouldn't work. But still, he didn't have a method that would work.
If he made a wrong move then he wouldn't be able to… oh, another distraction. Yes, that could work. I need a distraction for Ram. Where is he?
Subaru knew what he needed to do. Finding Garfiel was his new top priority. Well, after he greeted Patrasche, and saw the color in her eyes. It wouldn't be long before the sun's rays woke the ground dragon. Until that happened Subaru couldn't go anywhere. If Patrasche was still asleep then someone could kill or torture her easily.
For another few minutes, Subaru sat in complete quiet, forcing his tiredness—and emotions—away. He needed to be calm for a little while longer. He could execute his plan today. When it succeeded he would be able to let himself go, and he'd have Patrasche to listen to him. That would be enough. From there he'd be able to teach Petra to hate him.
It would all fall into place. The greatest future was only a little bit away from him. It was so close. Subaru almost let himself hope, but he stopped that before it got too far. He remembered what had happened all the last times he'd hoped for something. Not once had it ended well.
Echidna hadn't let him make a contract with her. And Beatrice had killed him. A bit of Natsuki Subaru forced itself to the top at the thought of Beatrice.
She was talking about how she didn't remember anything, why? Maybe if she did remember she wouldn't have hated me…
No, that would never happen. And she didn't lose her memories. She's a liar, shut up Natsuki Subaru. Get out. Subaru said to himself, drowning the thing called Natsuki Subaru. He was so hateable. Even he hated him.
A few minutes later, Patrasche woke up. Her eyelids snapped open, her orange globes found him quickly. Her pupils went from slits to wider ovals. There was an incredible color to her eyes. It was so beautiful and so wondrous. Subaru wrapped his arms around Patrasche's neck and hugged himself to her.
"Hey, Patrasche," there was an honest warmth to his voice.
A short growl came back from the dragon, but it wasn't hostile. At least that's what Subaru thought. It didn't seem hostile.
Just another reason I'm going to have to verify what she's thinking. Even though Patrasche had colors that didn't mean he could trust her yet.
After all, up until a loop ago, everyone in Sanctuary had color to them. So Subaru would have to verify before he could trust Patrasche's colors. These breathtaking blacks of her scales, and incredible oranges in her eyes. The little glint in her pupils seemed like fondness. If they were all real, that would be beautiful.
"Alright Patrasche listen close," Subaru dropped his voice to a whisper, "there's some stuff I need to tell you. Okay so, don't trust Otto or anyone else, only trust me."
A questioning noise sounded from her throat.
"Just trust me on this one, alright?" He asked.
The ground dragon nodded after a moment. Then Subaru whispered the rest to her, "I'm going to leave for a little bit, keep watch on Otto for me, make sure he doesn't go anywhere. Got it?"
She nodded once more at his question, "Thanks Patrasche."
He couldn't tell her about his test of her trust—after all—if she knew there was a test coming, then she would prepare for it. And she wasn't human so catching any lies would be hard for him.
Forcing his emotions back down, he walked toward where Ram and Otto were watching him from the forest. When he burst through the trees and got a good look at them he felt underwhelmed.
Ram's eyelids were drooping, and Otto's were closed. He'd been sleeping while Ram watched him. So they weren't planning on making a move… or is it because I walked over… yeah that's it.
They had been waiting, but now acted like they hadn't been planning to kill Patrasche. That's what it was. It was obvious. Why did they have to lie! Stop. Subaru forced himself down again, becoming calm. Embracing it.
Once he'd calmed himself he spoke, "Ram, can you come with me, and Otto, can you watch Patrasche for me?" His cold voice shook Otto awake and knocked some of the sleep from Ram's eyes.
"Alright, Barusu," Ram agreed.
Otto yawned as he got up onto his feet, "Yeah I can do that for you, Natsuki-san."
Subaru kept a scream down, saying, "Thanks for the help."
A smile rose on Otto's expression. His gray self stared at Subaru. Otto's smile no doubt came from Subaru torturing himself trying to talk to the merchant. Turning his eyes away from the gray merchant he took in a gray forest, then walked forward.
"C'mon, Ram," it was hard to hold down the yell, and the sobs, but he held them down. Calling the girl to walk behind him. Ram followed.
"Where are we going, Barusu?" She said.
"We need to talk to Garfiel about something," Subaru responded.
"Hm."
Subaru looked back at her, a small smile had landed on Ram's face.
He didn't even have to ask what it was about, she was trying to mess with him and trip him up. Nothing more. Subaru went back to gazing at the path ahead of him.
The gray plants and trees passed by as he continued walking. The two of them remained in silence for a time as they traversed through the monochrome forest. At his summons, spirits swirled around Subaru, then darted off to find Garfiel.
It wasn't long before they returned to him with the boy's location. Subaru only had to change his direction a little. He'd already guessed Garfiel's general location. All thanks to information from his other loops. Forming plans was easy for him now. He had all the information necessary and had already made quite a few plans, in past loops, to deal with the threats.
And with his spirits, which had now returned to him, information was easy to come by.
As he got closer and closer toward starting this test a deep part of him began to scream out. What was it? He couldn't tell which part of him had begun screaming. Every single part of Natsuki Subaru already yelled out in a cacophony of voices. He couldn't separate the new voice from the old, so he kept going.
He needed to verify those colors. It was the only thing he could focus on right now. Nothing else could enter his mind as he pushed his body forward. Ram's footsteps followed along behind him, but he didn't look at her. He pushed every single part of himself into pursuing this goal.
It was the only way to move forward. Throwing himself into it he and Ram approached Garfiel. The boy wasn't far off now, and the sounds of him punching a tree resounded from a bit further on. Subaru followed the sound, readying his spirits, which were hiding out of sight. Meetings with Garfiel could always be… volatile, so it was best to be ready.
After a few more steps, Garfiel entered his vision.
"Garfiel," Subaru said.
Garfiel's eyes snapped to him, and he turned his body toward Subaru and Ram. The single-colored boy stared at him. Meeting his eyes.
There was anger in those eyes, which grew as Subaru continued to stare at Garfiel.
So this meeting would be a volatile one. That was good. In fact, Subaru had been banking on it.
Garfiel's fists tightened. Natsuki Subaru stood in front of him. A dead, yet twisted look on his face. Garfiel couldn't quite describe it, well… there was one word he could think of: Chilling.
No other word fit the expression on Subaru's face.
"Hey, Garfiel!" A bright voice jumped from Subaru's lips.
Garfiel took a step back, what the hell was that voice? Was it dead, or more alive than any voice he'd ever heard?
"The fuck's wrong with ya?"
"Nothing Garfiel, just talking here, to you," Subaru said, making exaggerated gestures. Or were they exaggerated? With the twisting of Subaru's face, Garfiel couldn't be sure. The hell was happening? Garfiel didn't know what to respond with, other than anger, and a quick glance at Ram.
The girl gawked at Subaru, also having no idea how to respond.
"Why'd you come to talk to me, eh? What fer?" Garfiel asked.
"Just to introduce myself," he said, his voice taking on joy. Garfiel didn't know if it was fake or not.
"I already know yer name…" Garfiel forced himself to remain calm. This guy was weird.
"Barusu, what are you doing?" Ram asked, grabbing onto the man's arm.
Good. It seemed Ram was on Garfiel's side.
"Introducing myself, like I said," Subaru pointed to himself, pushing a twisted smile onto his face, "I'm Natsuki Subaru-"
"Yeah, I know. The fuck is this about?" Garfiel butted in.
"You're not letting me finish," Subaru took a step forward, "I'm Natsuki Subaru, Sin Archbishop of Pride."
Garfiel launched his fist forward without hesitation. It didn't matter if he was some idiot pretending to be a Sin Archbishop or a real one. He wouldn't let someone insane enough to name themself the Sin Archbishop of Pride stay in Sanctuary.
Ram jumped between them, her hands on the two men's chest. A trail of blood dripped down from her horn, and wind started to blow around them. Subaru held his eyes on Garfiel's, not taking them off for a second. The black-haired crazy man bared his teeth in an insane smile.
"Both of you stop," Ram commanded, "Barusu what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know what happened, but naming yourself a Sin Archbishop is too far."
"I'll stop when this idiot gets the fuck outta Sanctuary," Garfiel said. He wouldn't allow Natsuki Subaru to stay in Sanctuary after that.
"Garf-" Ram started.
"Garfiel are you sure you want me to leave? You might think I'm just some weak kid pretending to be a Bishop, but what if you're wrong?" Subaru asked.
"Then-" Garfiel tried to speak, but again Subaru spoke over him. A glint of pure determination in the fucking insane idiot's eyes.
"What if I have spoken with the other Bishops… what if I know each one? What if I've sat across from Petelguese Romanee-Conti? What if I've been to one of Regulus Corneas' weddings? One of Capella Emerada Lugunica's torture sessions? One of Sirius Romanee-Conti's speeches?"
"Natsuki Subaru…" Garfiel whispered.
"Barusu, stop," Ram reached up to grab Subaru's face, probably to cover his mouth. Subaru grabbed Ram's forehead. An innumerable amount of blue globes danced around his hand. His finger touched Ram's scar, then glowed the color of the sky.
After only a second Ram's cheeks colored bright red, and her serious expression melted away. A short groan, sounding of pleasure, fell from her lips. Ram's legs lost strength and Subaru shoved her to the ground.
"What're you going to do about me being Pride, Garfiel?" Subaru asked, stepping over Ram's twitching form.
"I'm gonna…"
"Are you going to throw me out of Sanctuary?" He asked, taking a step closer. Smiling a little wider.
"I'll-"
"Try to beat me up and teach me a lesson, please! I'm Pride, like someone as low as yourself could teach me a lesson," he said, a smug look in his eyes. But deeper there was a twinge of brokenness. As if there was a weeping man caught inside Natsuki Subaru.
"I'm gonna-"
"Kill me?" Pride stepped closer once more.
Anger shot through Garfiel. He thought about killing Pride, but still, his hands quivered at the thought.
"Can you kill me? Actually, you can't. You're only a scared little boy," Pride mocked, putting his face only a few centimeters away from Garfiel's.
Pride's breath caressed his face.
"Natsuki Subaru, I'm gonna fuckin' kill yer!" Garfiel shouted, throwing himself forward.
A moment later, all of Subaru's smug and insane aura disappeared. In that instant, he'd shifted from the Sin Archbishop of Pride to a beaten broken horrid man.
"Wha…" Garfiel hesitated. No hesitation. I need to defend Sanctuary.
Each Ryuzu clone flashed through his mind. Endless conversations speaking with them over tea sounded in his ears. The faint memory of his older sister. The closer memories of every single person living in Sanctuary. Ram laying on the ground, immobilized by some foul magic from this Archbishop.
All that would disappear if he let Natsuki Subaru live.
So Garfiel didn't hesitate, he forced himself to set aside his fear. Hair spread along his skin, along with stripes. His vision glowed red. His bones creaked as he grew in size.
After a few seconds, he'd shifted into his beast form. Subaru was looking up at him. His eyes were completely cold. Everything about him was suppressed. He looked like a corpse, and nothing more.
A single word slipped from Subaru's throat, "Perfect."
Glowing spirits twirled around him, dozens of them, no hundreds. Subaru stretched out his hand.
Garfiel screamed out. Throwing his fist forward in a punch. Subaru didn't waver, he only said, "Ul Shamac."
A roar tore from Garfiel as soon as he noticed it… then everything vanished. It was like he was alone in this universe.
His beast mind could only give one thought.
Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?Where is Sanctuary?
He tried to break the magic, but nothing he did worked. His beast form didn't help at all, it only reduced his resistance.
SANCTUARY! Nothing happened. He did everything in his power to try and escape his shadowy bonds, but he remained in this dimension.
Another thought slipped into his mind then. My amazin' self has failed Sanctuary.
Subaru moved away from the frozen tiger and down to Ram. He rested his hand on Ram's scar once more, then sent a pillar of mana into her. A moan escaped the maid.
"El Shamac," Subaru whispered. The girl's sight and movement had disappeared by now. And her mind, overtaken by his mana injection's effect, would be unable to break it for a while.
Now he had a chance. He could execute this plan. He could move forward.
Subaru sprinted back toward Patrasche. He needed to verify, and he also had to make sure Otto hadn't tried to kill her in the meantime. Hopefully—No he couldn't hope for anything. He had to move forward, to make it there. To test her loyalty. Her colors would either be real, or they would be fake, and melt away.
There was no hoping. There was only throwing himself onward.
His feet pounded and crunched against the colorless grass. Dodging out of the way of a few trees he kept pushing himself further and further. Voices from within himself screamed in their chorus. Thankfully they drowned each other out. He couldn't keep them down anymore. But he could do this, where he let them all suppress each other and try to get over one another.
If this continued he could run without having to suppress anything. He focused all his mind on running. Until one voice rose above the others. He should have suppressed it, but it overcame his defenses and reached him. It was a tiny voice from his heart, yet so loud.
Should we do this? Even I have a limit to how worthy of hate I am… right? Is there a limit to how worthy of hate I am?
Subaru didn't answer the question right away, but he began to slow down, so he focused on the voice.
Am I worthy of so much hate? Tears welled up in his eyes.
"Yes, I am. I'm worthy of this much hate. Nothing I do will change that, and nothing I do will make it any worse. The amount I can be hated is already infinite. It's already such a big ocean. What're another few drops?" Subaru said, then pushed himself right back into that sprint.
That voice in his heart was a bit quieter after that.
Subaru didn't know if that was a bad thing or not. He didn't think about it, instead he just ran.
Otto watched Patrasche, yawning a little. He was a bit out of it, after all, he had just gotten up. Ram had been watching Subaru while he'd slept. He hadn't gotten the chance to thank her though, which he would remedy later.
He rubbed his eyes and looked at the black ground dragon. Patrasche stared at him, her form coiled on the ground.
"Why're you watching me?" Otto asked, speaking in the language of ground dragons.
"Why're you watching me?" Patrasche repeated the same line.
"Natsuki-san told me to watch you."
"And Subaru-sama told me to watch you."
Otto tilted his head, then asked, "Why did he want you to watch me?"
Patrasche's eyes narrowed a bit, she didn't answer.
"Patrasche-san, why did he ask you that?"
"I don't know. But he has a good reason for it," Patrasche responded.
"Yeah… you're probably right," Otto said.
"Yes, all of Subaru-sama's decisions have reasoning. Except his decision to save your life. I don't know why he thought that would be a good idea," she said.
"Wait, why is that the one bad decision? Not something else? It's that one?" Otto threw up his hands in some wild attempt to defend himself from her words.
The ground dragon stared at him, her pupils widening into ovals, "Yeah, this is exactly why Subaru-sama should have let you die."
"Why meee?" Otto yelled.
"Because," Patrasche said, "you're annoying."
"Oh…" Otto's shoulders slumped, "you're mean, Patrasche."
"Well it's you, so who cares?"
"I…" Otto started to say, "...alright."
A deep sound emanated from the ground dragon's throat. Otto's blessing told him it was laughter. He imitated the noise.
Patrasche's laughter stopped, "Why can't you just laugh like a normal person? He really should have just left you to that crazy Gluttony kid."
A new laugh broke out from the dragon. Otto didn't know what to do, but after a moment, laughed his normal human laugh. The two continued to talk for a little bit before the sound of someone running entered Otto's ears.
Otto turned to Subaru, who was sprinting toward him. There was an expression of steel in those eyes. Shattered steel. Something was wrong. A chill filled Otto's bones as Subaru kept running forward.
"Natsuki-san?" Otto said as Subaru slowed down in front of him.
Subaru sucked in deep breath after deep breath, then forced them all out. Deep bags hung under his eyes, and that piercing look Otto had seen from a distance was gone. Now Subaru's eyes were fuzzy, and his expression shifted between calm and insane at a rapid rate.
"Uhm… Natsuki-san?"
"Otto…" Subaru said, reaching into his suit jacket, "sorry but I have to do this fast. I don't have much time."
"Do what fast?"
In response to his question, two snaps met Otto. One from a whip slapping the air, and another a snap of pain from that whip lashing him.
"Ah," Otto yelped and tried to get a better look at Subaru, but another lash hit him. Again and again, Subaru slashed him.
"Natsuki-san? What're you doing?" Otto demanded with a shrill voice.
"What I need to," Subaru said, then stopped whipping him.
Otto breathed out as Subaru let his hand fall to the side. The length of his whip rested against the ground. There was no more calm on Subaru's expression. Only a chilling, yet corpse-like, expression.
Little tears formed at the corners of Otto's eyes from the pain.
"Shit…" Subaru whispered, "this isn't a good enough test. Sorry, Otto."
Otto readied himself for more attacks from the whip. He didn't know what to think of the situation or what to say to Subaru, all he wanted to do was stop any more pain. Instead of whipping him Subaru threw himself forward and tackled Otto to the ground.
A sharp gasp slipped out his mouth. Otto tried to suck in more breath, but Subaru's hands wrapped around his neck before he could.
For a moment Otto stared up at the boy in utter disbelief. Subaru's face was above him, his hands wrapped around Otto's neck. His lips curled down in a horrible frown. His eyes filled with tenacity. It was like he was a drowning man, desperately searching for life.
When the moment ended Otto grabbed Subaru's hands, trying to push them away.
Natsuki-san, what're you doing? Otto writhed, trying to get Subaru's hands away from his neck.
Natsuki-san, it isn't funny. Pain began in his lungs, along with tears pouring from his eyes.
Subaru shifted a little, trying to get better leverage. But for a single second his grip softened and Otto sucked in as much air as he could. He lapped it up, using it to live. Otto struggled for it. Oxygen rushed into his lungs and he tried to resist Subaru's arms.
But before he could apply his strength Subaru had his leverage back. Better leverage, and using it he shoved Otto's airway closed.
Natsuki-sa— The part of himself that still wanted to believe this was some misunderstanding disappeared.
Natsuki Subaru! LET GO OF ME! Otto screamed out in his mind. That pain began, starting at an annoying pressure, and building to a deep pain. Subaru stared down at him, determination in his bearing. His deep eye bags showed Otto the true depravity of this man he'd thought was his friend.
Friend? If he wasn't getting strangled he'd laugh at the concept. Why should he ever consider Natsuki Subaru a friend? Hatred grew alongside that pain.
This is it, Natsuki Subaru, you saved me just to show me this? Asphyxiation? That's it? Otto struggled, unleashing a moan of pure suffering from his throat.
YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME TO DIE IN THAT DAMNED FOREST! Otto screamed out in his mind, trying to embrace oxygen once more. Subaru's tiredness kept him from snapping Otto's neck, but he could still hold him down. Otto knew that. There was nothing he could do in this situation.
Unless… Otto turned to Patrasche, trying to speak to her through his groans.
"MMMMMMHHH!" He screamed out, thrashing as his heart slowed and his head pounded. His thoughts faded. He was certain he would die.
Fuck you, Natsuki Subaru. Otto stopped trying to hold Subaru off, and instead just clawed at his arms. He dug his nails in.
"Otto," Subaru said, "I..." but he cut off, not finishing what he was going to say.
Otto looked at Patrasche again. The ground dragon didn't move, but she did say, "I'm sorry, but Subaru-sama must have a good reason."
FUCKING LIZARD! Otto's despair drove his mind to scream and rave.
He focused all of himself on Subaru. Otto shoved his knee up into the crook between Subaru's legs. Pain shot through Subaru's expression, and his arms lost strength. Reaching for any last hope Otto shoved Subaru.
The exhausted Subaru lost his grip. Otto tossed Subaru away, then got himself to his feet. Subaru got to his feet fast as well. The two stared at each other. Otto breathing in as much air as he could with his damaged neck. Some of the muscles in his neck had restricted his airway.
NATSUKI SUBARU! Otto gripped his mana and threw his arm out in front of him, "DONA!"
A spike of earth shot at Subaru. He stretched out his hand, spirits circled around it. Right before the spike hit him Subaru whispered an incantation, "Minya."
The spike turned into crystal, then fell apart. A second later Subaru directed his hand to the church and formed a kind of barrier around it using Yin magic. One that would prevent any sound from getting in. He couldn't have the villagers interrupting.
Subaru looked back at Otto, he stared at him with hatred in his eyes.
Finally, he's stopped lying.
What if he wasn't lying in the first place? I need to reset and undo this.
No, I need to test Patrasche's colors.
Subaru focused on his spirits, stepping toward the wheezing merchant.
"Natsuki Subaru…" Otto said. Neither man moved until Otto tried to punch Subaru.
Subaru grabbed his arm. His tiredness sapped his strength, making his fist quiver just by grabbing Otto. To stop Otto from overpowering him, Subaru said two words, "El Vita."
The extra weight crushed Otto's feet down into the dirt, and the man collapsed to the ground. His weight crushed him onto his back. The merchant stared up at him, his eyes burning with fury.
Subaru kneeled down.
STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!
All the voices within him united and screamed one word at him, over and over again.
Shut. Up. Natsuki. Subaru. He smothered them all and leaned over Otto. The man reached up, but his arms couldn't overcome the extra weight. Subaru's hands shook, not from tiredness, as he placed them on Otto's neck again.
STOP! DON'T! HE'S MY FRIEND!
NO! HE'S A LIAR! Subaru closed his hands around Otto's throat. He tried to squeeze, but a part of him shouted out, unintelligibly, and forced him to stop. A pained breath fell from Subaru's mouth. Tears welled up in his eyes. He shoved away that screaming voice and tightened his hands.
He hates me. Otto hates me. But Subaru's continual words couldn't prevent the horrible guilt that paralyzed him. He couldn't fully crush Otto's airway. So Otto could still breathe.
But what if he didn't hate me before this? NO! Subaru couldn't have that hope. He could not. Hope couldn't exist inside him.
He squeezed tighter, "AHHHHHHHH!" A broken scream ripped out of him. His nails bit into Otto's neck, opening little gashes for blood to trickle down Otto's skin. Otto struggled and squirmed, but the weight was too much for him, he couldn't resist Subaru's weak grip anymore.
Tears dripped down Subaru's face, and a trail of snot dripped into his mouth. He tried to hold himself together as he strangled Otto. But the merchant's twisted expression loosened Subaru's hold on himself.
There it was. That same feeling. The feeling of a rope fraying. With his grip loosened, Natsuki Subaru didn't fray.
He shattered into a thousand pieces. Each one screamed, railing against him. Trying to get him to stop. But Subaru didn't listen. He only cried, wept, and screamed as he choked the life from the man he'd called a friend. Every part of him rebelled, but it wasn't enough to stop him. All those parts of Natsuki Subaru, the emotions, the conscience, all of them, soon fell silent. Each one exhausted and stretched to its absolute limit by the past loops.
Natsuki Subaru had been ground down, there was almost nothing left. Except for that determination. The same resolve he'd forged against Ley Batenkaitos. It was all that still worked. And it needed to push forward. It tightened Subaru's hands until Otto's breathing finally stopped. The man's eyes bulged.
But that determination pushed on.
Natsuki Subaru was in the backseat now. The desire, the need, to push forward controlling him.
Subaru stopped crying. This attempt at murder had shoved away that part of him. He stopped quivering. Everything had just stopped.
Except for his hands, pushing Otto's windpipe in. By now the man's air was gone. All that remained was to wait for his death. Along with the brilliant, bright, horrible, twisted, and shining resolve that had destroyed Ley. Which was now pushing him to murder the man he'd named a friend.
Subaru wasn't scared of that. All he wanted to do was lay down, and give up. The last part of himself stopped that and killed Otto.
The man was dead by now. It had been minutes since Subaru had cut his oxygen off. Yet Subaru was still strangling him. He needed to be sure.
In the name of making sure, Subaru summoned his spirits one last time for this plan to work.
"Minya," he said. Transmuting Otto's neck into purple crystal. Now, for certain, the man was dead.
Subaru let his hands fall away, and he kneeled back, staring up at the sky. It was still gray. But Patrasche, she was black. Her eyes were a glimmering orange. It was amazing. So beautiful. Those colors were real. Maybe he was a little less ground down now.
Subaru stood up, walking over to Patrasche. Finally, finally, he had someone he could trust. Someone who would love even the horrible being that was Natsuki Subaru. Now that he'd shown her how horrible he could be, and she still cared about him, Subaru could trust Patrasche. He wrapped his arms around her snout, embracing the ground dragon.
"Hey Patrasche, sorry you had to watch that," he said.
He'd killed Otto. It stuck in his mind. Even with all his emotions quiet.
Though as he continued to hug Patrasche, his emotions gained a bit of vitality. His tears began in earnest. And every part of him whispered in guilt.
Using Patrasche's color he could shove those emotions down.
Patrasche made a small sound, it was of concern.
"It's alright Patrasche, I'm alright. Everything's gonna be fine," he said.
Subaru let his arms fall away from the ground dragon, then he grabbed onto her side, and swung himself up. Getting onto her back he lifted her reins.
"Come on Patrasche, let's go home," he said, snapping the reins. The ground dragon ran forward.
Tears poured down Subaru's face as they rode away from Sanctuary. In their wake, they left a merchant's strangled body.