His eyes stared at this land full of shadows. It was so full of color. He could stay here. He should stay here. He wanted to stay here. This garden of shadows was so welcoming, it was wonderful. Love pierced his ocular organs and entered his being. He was loved here. It would be so wonderful to stay. If he had a mouth a wide smile would split his face from the sheer beauty of love in this place. It was so warm. Tears dripped down from his eyes.
A boy stood before his dripping eyes.
"So you've come to see us again, ~tsu!" The boy said, somehow the words pierced into his soul. There was so much love in them. So much love for his taste. He was Gourmet to him. It was nice to have someone desire you so much.
The boy raved on about how Gourmet he was. Subaru didn't respond to him, he couldn't. For he had no mouth to speak with. But if he could speak he would have offered a genuine thanks. The words from the boy's mouth were so wonderful. So much need packed into them. He loved those words. And those words loved him.
When the thought that he loved those words crossed his mind the shadows changed. Jealousy formed an outline of humanity. It stood out amongst the pure love that existed here. But he wasn't bothered by it in the slightest. The jealousy offered so much love to him. The envy formed into the shape of a person, a woman. Luscious silver hair trickled down its shoulders.
Her superb arms stretched toward him—they were long shadows, but he still loved them with all his heart—but there was that boy in the way. The woman's visage formed. Purple eyes, a beautiful face, and a star-like shape in her hair. There was pure envy all over her face. Envy for the boy trying to take him. He loved it. She wanted him so much she'd do anything to have him.
The woman's arms touched the boy before his disembodied eyes.
YOU ARE NOT HIM
The boy popped like a balloon.
He cheered in his soul. A great chorus.
I am him. I amIamIammememememememe. He wanted, no needed, her love.
She moved, levitating closer to him. When she reached him her arms wrapped around where his body should have been. She pressed his consciousness to her.
"Subaru," she breathed out, her voice quieter now.
Subaru wanted to speak, but he had no mouth. So he only cried. He didn't know why he was crying.
Was it because of what happened before he came here? Was it because he couldn't embrace this woman? He had no idea. Both were equally pressing. He wanted to die by an orange-haired girl's hand, not by some overgrown cat's. But he also wanted to wrap his arms around the being before him. To become one with her and have her all to himself right now. Her overwhelming unyielding love was amazing. It was something he needed. Something he wanted with almost everything he had.
Satella. He whispered the word in his soul. The woman heard.
"My love, what are you going to do?"
The first thing that came to his mind was to cheer that she'd called him her love. Her love. It was so amazing. To have someone who loved him so much. Subaru wanted to give in immediately. But something held him. Was his love split? He wanted to embrace Satella, to love her, to be with her. And yet…
Still shrouded in silence he stayed.
And still, he didn't answer. For he didn't want to leave behind his love. Not Satella, another. There was another he loved. So he'd come to love her…hadn't he? But she didn't love him in return. Satella on the other hand did love him, so he should embrace her.
The woman pulled him further into herself.
Can I… Subaru wanted to finish the sentence, but he couldn't. For innumerable loops he'd struggled and fought for his loved ones. He'd sacrificed every part of himself to move closer to the perfect future.
And now could he…just give up? Could he leave his other love behind?
He'd made his choice now.
Yes, he could.
Satella. I'm done.
"Okay, my love," Satella whispered, her voice solemn.
The Witch of Envy pulled him closer, and closer still until they began to meld.
Their minds had grown so close that Subaru could feel her thoughts.
Love, she loved him so much. It was nice, someone cared about him. Satella wasn't a liar. When they became one he would forever know that they loved each other. It was amazing. Subaru's feelings surfaced fully as their merge continued.
LOVE. He loved Satella with everything, well…not everything.
Love. There was a little bit of dissonance within him.
Love for the brilliant colors. A little flash of color.
Love for the silver tresses falling from her head. It wasn't silver.
Love for the incredibly kind words. The sound of insults.
Love for the pointed star among hair still beautiful even after the ravages of time. A little flower hair ornament among the strands trimmed by a sister.
Love for the veil of shadows which she removed only for him. A band of flowers atop her head.
Love for how she referred to him. A name for him.
Love for the way she said Natsuki Subaru. A blinding curse.
It was beautiful. And even with the overwhelming desire for the woman whose arms were wrapped around him he still had no idea who was the beautiful one.
Amazing for the brilliant words she used to soothe him. The way she insulted him at his lowest, yet it was still so uplifting.
Glorious for the way she was powerful.
EXHILARATING for the way her touch made him feel.
He had no idea who he meant. But one hated him, one did not.
He would be together with the one who did not. He could be free, it would be so amazing.
Subaru wanted to become one with her faster. To force away the regret of leaving the other behind.
SATELLA FASTER! He begged, needing to feel her mutual love. His very existence depended on it. FASTER he needed to meld faster. He wanted to become Satella and wanted Satella to become him.
He needed to be one with his love. But was she his love?
LOVE!
He struggled for it, forcing his soul further into Satella's. Was she his love?
Groans emanated from the woman as the line between them blurred. He ran from his questions and drove himself further into the identity of Satella.
SUBARU!
SATELLA!
Their thoughts transmitted to each other even without words.
SUBARUSATELLA! They needed to be with their love.
They thought as one. They became one. But a moment before the lines between them disappeared they felt something. Their memories became one. Everything was one. But they weren't one. Not yet. Another instant and they'd be one.
Their memories were open to each other. Satella began to cry.
But Subaru didn't cry. Instead, Subaru's vision cleared. And he SAW.
He was rushing through a mansion. Consuming it in his shadows. But these were Satella's shadows, right? It didn't matter, they felt like his. This was the Roswaal mansion, his shadows ate its walls, and opened up pockets for more magic to come and steal the light of this place.
He knew where everything was in the mansion. He could sense all of it. A pink-haired maid was in the upstairs hallway. Envy rushed through him. It wasn't his envy. The maid was engaged in battle with a young boy, his eyes clouded and his hair beginning to turn white.
WRATH.
BATENKAITOS! He'd stolen her love's memories. She-no he-wait… was he Subaru or Satella? It didn't matter. They continued their consumption of the Mathers mansion. A bit of their darkness touched a black-haired boy.
LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE! Their mind focused on the boy. It was Subaru. Their self, no their love. Self. Love. Self. Love. What was that boy really supposed to be? Love or self? It didn't matter. They touched him, wrapping him in their arms.
The boy unleashed a spell at them. They destroyed it with ease and rushed back to Subaru.
LOVEMELOVEMELOVEMELOVEMELOVEMELOVEME!
They consumed him until a disgusting radiant voice rang out.
"UL FULA!" Wind blasted their shadows back. Subaru and that BITCH ran. They ran to a window, the maid burst through it, then KISSED HER LOVE. ENVY rushed through her. She screamed forward.
The bitch lasted against her shadows with her wind magic. DON'T TAKE HIM FROM ME! She screamed out with vitriol. HE IS MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! The life force of the bitch ran dry, and her shadows consumed the little pink bitch.
Satella took this disgusting pretend god's memories into herself. She would tear the woman's very identity apart for trying to take her LOVE. A piece of her mind stayed while the rest pushed Subaru's stolen memories back into himself. She forced Subaru to become his natural self then returned to Ram.
She sunk her shadows in, ripping the girl's mind apart. This was her punishment. Ram's identity melted. Satella beheld her memories.
Within them was love for Natsuki Subaru.
Hatred flowed through Satella. This bitch had sought to steal Subaru from her!
Wait… love… no… that's not right. Subaru's mind reached to the surface for a moment. But it's right here. Did it fade? Did Ram turn on me? What happened? He'd left one of his love's behind because they didn't love him.
But what if they did? Subaru couldn't hide from it. He wanted to be with them. They might love him. He cried more and more. He needed to be with them!
Subaru took on his own identity for a single second, poking his head above the wonderful water that was Satella's self. He used his new freedom to engrave conviction into himself.
I NEED TO FIND OUT! TO BE WITH HER!
With his determination he formed himself back into a full person and shoved himself away from Satella. He breathed in, letting life flow through him. A gray light cut through this realm and cast away the shadows.
Satella screamed for him, but Subaru didn't care, his resolve had returned. It had found something to grasp onto. He would have it.
Satella tried to pull him back.
MY LOVE! She screamed for him.
Subaru turned around, "Hey Satella, sorry about this, but…I think another girl stole my heart."
Tears dripped down Satella's face, "My love," her voice was softer.
Subaru couldn't dwell on the heartbreak of leaving Satella behind, but he couldn't abandon the other. Not when she was waiting just outside for him. He seized the light that pierced this shadow garden. A scream ripped from him and he weaved life back into him. A body formed around him, the light grew stronger and stronger. It started pulling him toward the outside.
A pink-haired maid appeared within his heart. Subaru held tight, and let the light carry him away.
"Liar. Subaru you liar," Emilia said. Subaru looked up at the girl. Then he dropped to his knees. His hands rested against the floor's stone and he tried to think of a plan for this loop.
Why couldn't I have kept that loop? It would have been so much easier if he could just keep that loop. If Regulus hadn't come. Then it would all have been so much easier. Why did he have to deal with this impossible situation? Subaru had never dealt with anything this bad. Even in Priestella, he'd had Reinhard to help him. But now he just had, he looked around, these gray figures.
Rem and Ram were walking toward him and Emilia. It took Subaru a second to figure out which was which. The lack of color made it so hard to distinguish. He let his eyes fall to the ground as the two continued to approach. After a second Rem started whispering to Emilia, trying to calm her down from the failed trial. Subaru almost wanted to stop Rem from helping Emilia. Maybe if the trial kept haunting her then Emilia would keep calling Subaru a liar. That would be nice. If that happened then he could trust Emilia's words.
And words were better than nothing. He looked up, readying to speak, but Ram stood between him and Emilia.
"Barusu," she said, her monochrome eyes on his.
"Ram," he responded. Did she really care this much about torturing him? Did Ram hate…hate…what was going on? Did Ram hate him…that much?
Why had he hesitated so much? His mind knew Ram hated him so much, but his heart resisted. Something in it made him hesitate. He pushed his brain to come up with an answer, and he felt some memory. Focusing, he tried to bring the recollection to the surface. But it wouldn't come. The harder he grasped for it the further away it got. He strained for it. It slipped away from him like sand through a sieve.
Ram's voice buzzed at the back of his mind. He didn't comprehend any of her words. They would all be lies anyway. Subaru closed his mind off from all the lying. He was done. In the morning he'd find Patrasche, and head for the mansion. If he found her dead then he'd kill himself and go to her earlier. He didn't need to do anything this time, except get on Patrasche and leave. When he got to the mansion he'd grab Petra and take her to the capital. Where he'd be able to get some favor from Crusch. Using that he'd find a way to teach Petra to kill him.
Thinking about it, ripping Petra away from her family and dragging her to the capital would make for a good start.
Ram's voice grew louder and louder. Did she think he would actually respond to any of her lies? Really? Did she think she could torment him that easily? Well, he knew better now. He also knew there was nothing he could do until morning. So he let himself collapse onto his back and stared up at the gray night sky. Ram looked down at him, her face the same color as everything else. Would Subaru miss colors? No. He wouldn't. Because now he had a reminder of how much everyone hated him.
Subaru let himself dip down into the pit of his mind. There was nothing to focus on. Until a lap manifested below his head, lifting him off the ground. Ram's face hovered above him. For a single moment, Ram's legs behind his head were comforting. So warm. And the sound of blood rushing through her legs soothed him. Ram was so close to him. And it didn't seem like she was trying to torture him.
Tears pounded at the back of his eyes, he didn't let them come through. He couldn't let Ram see a weakness. She would exploit that to torment him and twist him around. That's what she was doing right now. But even while telling himself that…he still had doubt.
What if Petra was right…what if Ram didn't hate him? What if she wasn't lying? Could he believe that…could he possibly let himself have that hope. His broken, beaten, and abused heart just wanted to cry out. Subaru felt small. Like a little boy who wanted help. He didn't want to do this anymore. Why did he have to do all this? Why did he have to go through all of this pain? Why couldn't he cry out and wail? What if Ram stayed here and supported him? A strand of hope thrummed in his chest.
Subaru no longer had the strength to cut it. In this quiet world he was alone. So alone. He didn't want to be alone anymore. He wanted someone to hug him, comfort him, support him, he wanted someone who didn't hate him. Why did he have to teach Petra to hate him? He hadn't noticed, but his tears were starting to come. Someone to love him, that's all he wanted.
His eyes floated up, Ram's face was right there.
Could she be telling the truth?
"No. She's lying," a voice came.
Subaru's eyes widened. His tears stopped. That voice was so familiar…a voice he hadn't heard since the battle with the White Whale.
Nan's voice.
"Yeah, you're right," Subaru responded in his head. A bit of strength filled him and he crushed that strand of hope. It's not like it had all that much strength. It had only seemed strong because it had no competition. But now, he had a reason to keep crushing Natsuki Subaru.
"Nan, are you there?" He asked.
"Sorry, but I can't keep talking for too long, it's hard to hold myself together. But don't accept their lies, Subaru. Don't let them trick you. They're all lying."
Subaru nodded, "Thank you." He whispered to the spirit.
His determination returned and he realized one flaw in his plan. Puck.
The scent of grass invaded Echidna's nose. She replaced the scent by sniffing the wafting steam of her tea. On the tea's surface was her reflection. Her eyes were the same deep black pits. The hair atop her head was nearly full black. Only a few strands of white remained. Purple veins laced her skin.
She'd managed it. A smile grew on her face.
Echidna had finally done it.
She'd crushed the spirit enough that she'd been able to speak to Subaru directly and convince him she was that spirit. The same one he'd trusted so much. Though he'd been too inert to respond well. Echidna had only managed to push him a bit, but subsequent attempts would be more fruitful.
"Ah, that was entertaining," she said. It really was interesting to see his reaction. So odd that with only a few words she'd rekindled Subaru's determination. Keeping him isolated was so easy. He'd been searching for one reason not to trust the maid. It would have been fun to see what would happen if she hadn't given him one, but this was so much more satisfying. Now she could speak to Subaru like this more and more as she gained influence over his soul.
If she gained enough strength she could make that shadow garden her own. She'd seen what happened. Subaru almost becoming one with Satella only to reject her. It had been wonderful to see. And exhilarating. She'd almost lost Subaru, but in the process she'd attained a brilliant sight and memory to look over. Simply incredible.
"Mmh, Natsuki Subaru, you are perfect. Interesting. Entertaining. Satisfying," she whispered, rubbing her legs together. She put the cup of tea back up to her lips and drank. Letting her head fall back, tea poured down her throat. The liquid wet her lips.
She grinned.
"I can already tell, the date is soon. Either you will re-enter. Or I will become strong enough within you that I can emulate Satella's…unity. That will be wonderful," Echidna said. Her smile grew wider.
No matter what happened, Echidna would rekindle her love fully.
Subaru worked through all the information he had at his disposal. All the while resting on Ram's lap. He would have liked to get off of her lap full of lies, but it wouldn't accomplish anything. It would only make Ram think that she needed more lies to appease him. So he remained in place while he created a plan.
After a few minutes, he'd figured out what he had to do during this loop. His original goal had been to get to the mansion before Regulus appeared so that he could keep Petra safe, and that was still his goal, but Puck threw a wrench into his plan. If Puck had emerged that meant something had put Emilia in danger. Beatrice wasn't enough for him to believe that. After all, Roswaal wouldn't just let Beatrice and Puck kill him. Subaru knew he himself was central to Roswaal's plans, and Roswaal wouldn't die so easily. There was more to it.
It was likely the attack had come early. The only difference being his own movements. Subaru had gone to the mansion, and the attack had come early, two facts that were likely related. Now with that he knew he'd have to keep the attack from killing Emilia too early. Subaru could set up a defense plan with the people here. That would last long enough for him and Petra to get away far enough that Puck couldn't kill them before Reinhard intervened.
A tiny hint of hope rose. Hope for his coming death. Subaru crushed it. There was no space for hope. Not after all that had happened. Subaru needed to be strong long enough that he could get Petra to kill him. But to do that he would need to get to work immediately. He wanted to leave in the morning, so he'd need to make this plan work fast.
He looked up at Ram's face. The girl was still gray. He couldn't trust her to help him. But still, he could trust her to help herself and Rem. So all Subaru had to do was convince Rem of this plan. Then he would be good. Convincing Rem was a gamble, she was erratic, impulsive, the opposite of trustworthy, right? Yes.
Also, Subaru had two things Rem didn't. An infinite pool of time and an inability to die. He could go to Rem, try to win her over. If he failed. Reset until he succeeded. And if he succeeded then he could get to the mansion, from there it would be a race against Regulus until he made it to the greatest future.
To the future where he could let himself die. That would be a day. Not a wonderful day. Not a good day. Not an okay day. Not a bad day. Not a horrible day. Just a day. A day he could rest. Maybe that was it…it would be a relaxing day. Dying would be…nice. Subaru's frown lifted a tiny bit. He stopped tears from welling up. He couldn't cry. Not yet. Not until Petra's hands were wrapped around his neck strangling the life from him.
Maybe just maybe Subaru could let himself hope for that. For Petra straddling him as the life drained from him and oxygen abandoned him. In that moment where all that remained was hatred for the being known as Natsuki Subaru. Deep down it pained his heart a little. He barely noticed. All the pieces of him were so quiet these days. Yet still, he could sense it, faintly. A part of him didn't want that future.
What did that fragment think it was? Did it not think it was Natsuki Subaru? Really? Subaru's face twisted. He set his jaw and crushed that voice. He would have that ideal world. The one where Petra murdered him in cold hatred.
He could imagine her voice.
"Have you come wanting to die, Subaru?" she asked him.
Subaru let a thin strand of hope form. A whisper rose to the surface.
Is this all we dare hope for? A whisper that came from deep within, it was surprisingly lucid.
Petra killing me. Is that it? From a perfect future to this? Wasn't there a purpose behind my endless repetition once? I thought I did it for a reason.
Yeah, Subaru's conscious mind snapped back, that's it. Petra killing me is the perfect future.
I don't want that.
I do.
But how will it help them? Faces filled his mind. Memories of color.
It won't. It's not supposed to help anyone. It's just to attain the best possible future. Someone who's honest in their hatred of Natsuki Subaru.
A boy formed above him. He wore a tracksuit and had rich black hair. Everything about him was full of color.
He opened his mouth and asked him, "Is that all you want? Someone to hate us openly?"
Yes. He thought in the same voice.
"Why?"
Because you're the individual most worthy of hate. Everything should hate you. The words came slowly, and he had to force himself to even think them. Why was it so hard?
"But who decided that? Capella? Echidna?"
I decided.
"But how can we trust that?"
Neither spoke a word in answer to that. And tears welled up in both of their eyes.
They didn't say anything for a long time.
And yet one of them eventually broke the silence, "Why do you hate me?"
Isn't it obvious?
Subaru grabbed his tracksuit, and stared off into the distance, "Yes, I suppose it is."
In the next moment, he aged. His hair became even more disheveled, his eyelids drooped, and there was a depth to his gaze. His lips were turned up in a fake smile. It quaked at the corners. A laugh tore from Subaru. Subaru's hair stood on edge for the first time in millennia. The giggle scraped his ears. It was a horrible sound. So much falsity and so much insanity. Was it a laugh? Was it a sob? He had no idea.
This was exactly what he looked like. This man on the brink of insanity. Subaru's head rolled to the side. He didn't notice Ram's touch on his shoulder. A deep shudder escaped him. He wasn't scared of the Subaru before him. He was just tired. So tired.
Subaru's smile widened as he leaned down and spoke in the most despairing voice to exist in their memory, "Yes. It's so obvious. I understand. You hate me because of so many things, everything we've ever done. But most of all this."
He laughed again, it was so empty, and wrapped his hands around Subaru's neck. Subaru strangled him. Subaru didn't gasp for air. Above him, Subaru set his jaw and tightened his grip.
Was this what Otto had seen? The man who'd called Otto his friend strangling him.
Water poured down their faces, and they both sobbed. Ram's fingers ran through his hair. Subaru tried to destroy these emotions, but his attempts were meaningless. His pained cries descended from normal crying to a terrible music of suffering. In that music was a single realization.
Subaru's grip tightened.
Subaru's mind couldn't hold it down anymore.
He tried to build a massive dam to keep it away, but it fell even with all that effort.
Natsuki Subaru was the worst liar of them all.
The hands around his neck disappeared. He looked down at his real hands, they were made up of a single gray.
Ram's arms wrapped around him, they were the exact same color. Natsuki Subaru could no longer trust Natsuki Subaru. That was right. Why had it taken so long to realize that? It was so obvious a conclusion. The most untrustworthy person in the world was Natsuki Subaru.
Now he realized who he could trust. Only Petra, Patrasche, and Pandora. Everyone else was unworthy of trust. They were all liars.
Who decided that?
Subaru didn't let the question manifest further. He'd asked himself the same question with Puck's eyes focused on him. Solving the question would lead to nothing…or was there no way to solve—
Subaru punched himself in the face. Then grasped the shock and forced down that chain of thought. To distract himself he focused on the world.
Ram had been asking him a question, "—alright?"
"Hm?"
"Are you alright, Barusu?"
Subaru didn't answer the question, instead he forced himself to stand. Ram followed suit. He was about to speak with her until he stopped himself. He couldn't trust her with his plan.
Rem was the only person he could think of trusting with this. She was like Ryuzu Shima from a few loops ago. Someone he had leverage on. So Subaru came up with something else to say to Ram.
"It doesn't matter right now," he said, "I have to go to sleep."
"Do you need me to come with you? I know you're incompetent enough that you need my help to not light anything on fire while trying to sleep."
Subaru shook his head, "I'm fine, goodnight, Ram."
Ram stared at him with a look he couldn't quite define. After he turned away she didn't say anything.
Subaru began to walk. After a few meters, he cast one glance back to make sure she wasn't following. She had that same look. Subaru put his focus back on getting to Rem and Emilia's cabin. Emilia would be in a fitful sleep by now, barely able to stay asleep with all the nightmares. He'd seen it tens of thousands of times. Just after the trial she would have constant hauntings from the past. But Subaru didn't care about the girl's plight. A part of him tried to protest against that. Subaru held his gray hand up to his head and focused, holding the thought at bay.
Quiet reigned in his mind. It was nice, for the few seconds it lasted. As he let out silent breaths he continued his walk. It wouldn't be long before he got there. Only a few more minutes. And what were a few minutes to him?
Everything.
Minutes were everything. They were longer until he died. Longer until the perfect future came to be. Longer until he could see Petra again. Longer until he could keep Puck in his crystal.
Subaru tightened his fists, but he didn't run. There was no energy within him to fuel a run like that. Without that he trudged along, his limbs heavy and sluggish. Reaching Emilia's cabin took him twice as long as he thought it would.
He forced himself up the steps and heaved his hand onto the handle. By the time he opened the door his eyes were heavy. Managing to keep his eyes open he moved into Emilia's room, where the silver-haired girl slept. She looked on the verge of waking up. Every twist and turn made him think she would wake up. And if she did wake what would he do?
Well that probably depended on Rem, who was turning to him.
Her gray eyes landed on him and she whispered, "Subaru-kun?"
"Hey, Rem. Can we talk outside," he said.
She nodded her assent and they moved outside making as little noise as possible.
When their shoes crunched the grass Subaru turned and readied his explanation.
"Rem, I need your help with something."
"What is it?"
When Rem's words reached him he began to speak.
Chirping crickets and other bugs filled Rem's ears. The smell of the forest rushed into her nose, alongside another more intense scent. A dark smell, an odor that made her think of evil. The Witch's scent emanated from Subaru, she had to keep herself from tearing up at the smell. It was horrific, so much. Why was there so much?
It was more than there'd been in a long time. It had lessened from its normal a few hours ago. But something had changed. Now it was so noticeable. Something about Subaru reeked of the WITCH. Why was there so much? Too much?
But Rem forced it down. She needed to. She attempted to focus on other smells, like the forest's many scents. It did little.
"Rem, I need your help with something," Subaru said. Rem finally focused on his face, instead of his smell. His eyes were empty, and deep bags hung under them. Subaru looked so tired. She couldn't come up with any other way to describe him except that. Had he not slept before they'd come to Sanctuary this morning? No, that couldn't be it.
She got the distinct feeling something was wrong with Subaru. Maybe that's why he was asking for her help. Why would he need her help though? He could have asked sister, Otto, or Garfiel. All of them would have done so much better than her. Still, looking into those downcast eyes, Rem couldn't refuse to help him.
"What is it?" She asked.
"Can you listen carefully for a second?"
"Of course."
Subaru closed his eyes then spoke. He spent minutes explaining everything that was coming to Sanctuary. The terrible threats. The Bowel Hunter and a Mabeast Controller. Two Witch's Cult swordsmen, both stronger than Garfiel. Then two Sin Archbishops. Along with another Bishop which would attack the mansion.
When he was finished Rem came to one question. Why had Subaru come to her? What reason did he have? A memory flashed through her mind. Subaru stretched his hand out as he asked her, "What if Ram just loves you?"
At the same time as she had that thought Subaru asked her, "So can you help me? If you do then we can protect Emilia and Ram. I'm going to need you to explain this to them while I get ready to head off to the mansion. So what'll it be?"
"I need to think, Subaru-kun," Rem said and tilted her head back.
Needing to think? Why wasn't she like her sister who wouldn't need any time to think and could just figure this out in a few seconds? But…
"Stand up, Rem," Subaru's words again. Rem held those thoughts at bay. Subaru had asked for her help… but why? Why?
Rem couldn't think of a reason. So she tried to find one. After a few long moments, she realized her thoughts had gotten off track. To remedy that she straightened her neck and said, "Subaru why did you come to Re-me with this?"
Subaru held his hand up to his head, and for a moment he swayed. Emotion leaked onto his face.
A broken man stood before her.
"Why did you come to me, Subaru-kun?" Rem asked again.
He didn't say anything, his face only twisted a bit more. He continued to sway and seemed like he was going to collapse. Because he did collapse. But Rem didn't let him hit the ground. She wrapped her arms around him and held him up.
"Subaru?"
Subaru didn't say anything, he kept quiet, and tried to wipe all the emotions off his face. Rem didn't know what to say to Subaru. Her mind returned to that same question. Why had Subaru come to her? Did he not think he could go to anyone else?
Rem met Subaru's eyes. In them was a drowning man. Had he come just because he was grasping for something?
No. Deep down there was something more. Rem held Subaru, trying to keep him calm. Subaru may have been drowning. But there were so many other things he could have held onto. Maybe she was wrong about this, she didn't care, but a question came into Rem's mind.
"Subaru… why do you believe in me?"
"I don't," he said immediately.
He didn't want to let himself believe in anything, it was there in stark clarity.
Rem changed her question, "Why do you want to believe in me?"
Subaru's face drained of all emotion. He pushed her off of him. Rejection filled Rem. She'd been an idiot. Why had she thought she could help? That was a job for sister.
"Will you help me, Rem?" Subaru's icy voice asked.
"Rem will do what she can."
"Alright," he said, "I'm going to the mansion first thing in the morning, eight hours later I'll get there. Something tells me the attack will come then. Be ready for it."
Without another word, he walked off.
Rem got a distinct impression that she'd missed an opportunity. Her sight landed on Subaru. Dread filled her.
Subaru walked away from Rem, dragging himself forward. A part of him screamed for them to stop. To go back to Rem. To let themself believe in her. But he couldn't do that. Rem was just another liar, like all the rest. Right? Yes. She was.
I can't hope. I can't. Natsuki Subaru doesn't deserve any hope. He repeated a phrase like that over and over again as he walked toward the church. He would get to Patrasche and remain there with her for the night. He had to make sure nothing happened to her so he could leave with her in the morning.
As he got closer he thought, could he really trust Rem to get everything into shape? No, he couldn't trust her at all. But if Puck's frost did come, and it reached him and Petra, then he would reset, and do something else to convince Rem. If he didn't reset it wouldn't matter.
If he tried enough times, it would work. He ignored the other piece of himself that tried to tell him he didn't have the strength to reset much longer. He would make it to the day Petra killed him. Her fingers would wrap around his neck. She'd kill him. Maybe she'd make it slow. Maybe she'd make it fast. As long as she did kill him, it didn't matter. It really didn't. He'd engage in that march to death, no matter what.
After a while he checked over his shoulder, he could still see the cabin. His face scrunched up. Why was he moving so slowly? Why couldn't he go faster? He tried to push himself closer to the church. The parts of him that were screaming all stopped. The silence unnerved him. He wasn't used to it anymore. At least now he could concentrate on walking faster. He held his hand up to his chest and sobbed a little. No tears came. His eyes flicked to the sky where he saw the church spire sticking up toward the moon.
His hands, so full of color wrapped around Otto's neck. Otto struggled, but Subaru's grip was tight. Otto wheezed, but Subaru's determination kept his hands tight. Otto cried, but Subaru's need kept his fingers tight.
The smell of grass wet with morning dew filled his nostrils as he breathed in. That oxygen moved to his lungs, then pumped through his arteries. Eventually, it reached his hands and he used it to deny Otto his smell of grass. He derived from Otto the sight of the peaceful morning sky, filling it with his face contorted with exertion. He stole from Otto the sound of birds chirping, replacing it with blood rushing through his ears as his body struggled to stay alive. He took from Otto the taste of any breakfast he might have, substituting it for the iron taste of blood after he'd bit his tongue in his struggles to escape. He robbed from Otto the touch of whatever he desired, swapping it for the touch of Subaru's sleeves as he tried to escape.
A seed took root in Otto's chest. Watered by anguish. The seed sprouted, broke the surface, and flowered. Along with its flowering came hatred, and a flash of blue in Otto's eyes.
The flower wilted when Otto died, and its color vanished along with it. Subaru had extinguished Otto's life in only a few minutes.
Subaru lay on the ground, crying.
He looked around, Otto was nowhere in sight, nor his corpse. Though his hands were in his vision. They were gray. With those gray hands he wiped away the tears and tried to stand. He pushed himself up, fully extending his arms. His chest turned heavy. As if some deep dark damp shadow was wrapped around his heart. Mud met his chin as he fell back to the ground, that shadow in his chest stayed.
It wasn't Satella's.
What was it? Was it some punishment? Was it just another reason to hate Natsuki Subaru? Why couldn't he stand? Why couldn't he reach Patrasche?
Subaru forced his palms into the grass while he grit his teeth. He pushed, he knew if he really forced it he could get up. But he didn't force it. Something in him stopped it and dropped his neck into the grass.
It tickled a little.
Tears filled his eyes…why was he noticing that? The grass tickling, why did it remain so clear in his mind? He reached out his arms and gripped at the blades of gray grass, then he sobbed.
And sobbed.
All the while asking himself why.
It was a question he couldn't find the answer to. No matter how hard he grasped for it, nothing came. He tried to catch every straw of insight he could get, nothing came. He remained in that answerless world. Where was his answer? He wanted it. Why couldn't he have it? Why did it have to be so hard to find?
Subaru shook his head, banishing those thoughts. Patrasche. He needed to get to her. A grunt left him as he tried to get up. He managed to push himself up so that he was on all fours. His hands and knees dug into the ground.
Get up, please. Subaru begged himself. He needed to stand and get to Patrasche. But a part of him held back.
If Patrasche dies before we get there…then can't we…
Subaru dropped his head, bringing his chin close to his chest. His lips quirked even further down.
Can't we…just die?
Subaru hit the ground for the fourth time.
"I…" he said, "have to get up. I've only tried four times." That was all he managed to croak out before a lump filled his throat and he could no longer speak.
"Get up. Get up," he said, "I have to get up. I've only tried four times. I've already tried over a hundred million times…what's a few more."
The answer was everything. A few more times was everything.
Subaru didn't try to get up this time.
He lay against the dirt, neck aching a tiny bit. It was like the feeling of remembering you had a neck, and that you could feel it. With that little thing in his mind, Subaru's eyes began to drift closed. He was so tired. So incredibly tired. How long had it been since he'd slept? No answer came into his head for a long time, until finally he remembered. Right after he'd failed the first trial over and over again. When he'd seen his past so many times. Beako…he'd killed her. That was the last time he'd slept.
His labored breathing held sleep at bay for a long time. But after an hour or so, he felt it coming. He wanted to fight it. But he surrendered. Sleep came and he closed his eyes, tears squeezed together as his eyelids shut. Darkness erased his vision, and sleep took him.
Hands wrapped around his neck. The skin was such a rich color. That color strangled the life from his monochrome neck. His eyes bulged and his lips pounded. He didn't try to breathe. There would have been no point. The hands were already wrapped around his neck. Emptiness was all that existed in his lungs. He didn't care. No use existed for air anymore. Keeping himself alive? He didn't care to do that. Screaming out and raging at the unfairness of it all? He didn't care for that either.
Natsuki Subaru simply wanted to die. Nothing more.
His eyes floated to the person strangling him. The muscles on their arms were tight as they choked the life from him. Their biceps flexed from the effort. They pushed their shoulders down in a ploy for more leverage. Tense anger ran through their neck. A bit of blood stained their jaw, which was set with rage.
Their face was blurred. He couldn't tell who they were. All he knew was that they were a little girl.
Where is Petra? It needs to be Petra that kills me! Most of him finally screamed out, raging for Petra to kill them. He fought, with almost all he had. But deep bags hid under his eyes. Sleep deprivation had sapped the strength from his limbs. It was like he hadn't slept in years.
It was too late. He had no oxygen, and he didn't have the power to get more. This girl—who may or may not have been Petra—would kill him, without him even fighting. If it was Petra he'd let himself die, but this might not have been her. Where was Petra? Was this Petra?
Those questions went unanswered as his life approached its resolution. His life didn't flash before his eyes. Tranquility didn't come in these last moments. Only the question is this Petra? Stayed in his mind. It haunted him as death reached for him. As it wrapped him in its embrace Subaru realized one thing.
A small part of him hadn't cared if it was Petra or not.
Subaru opened his eyes. He groaned and gazed at the gray sky. The sun remained subdued, its light barely reaching him. Well, it did reach him, it just wasn't right when it came into his eyes. All that went into his eyes was gray. Why was everything gray? It was a question he didn't know the answer to. Was he imagining it all? No, that couldn't be right. Right? Yeah, he wasn't imagining it.
He tried to think about it for a moment longer, but the image of that unknown girl strangling him remained in his mind. Subaru banished the thought from his head and tried to stand. He didn't succeed. For the fifth time, he failed to stand from this same place. His hands balled into fists, and his nails dug into his palms. With flexed forearms, Subaru tried to heave his weight into a standing position. It didn't work.
For nearly an hour he tried. He struggled in vain to get up. Nothing worked. Why wouldn't it work? He needed it to work. He had to get to Petra.
A quick glance around brought the sight of a tree stump to him. He turned himself around so his head was facing the stump, then dug his fingers into the dirt and pulled. With all his might he pulled. Until he reached the cut tree. From there he pulled himself up its trunk. After a second he got himself into a sitting position on the stump. Then he sat there. Head hung low, staring into his lap. His elbows rested on his thighs.
For a few minutes, he didn't move from that spot. He was aware he'd need to leave eventually, but he couldn't gather the energy to do that. Subaru had to suck in a deep breath to stand up. His knees buckled, and he almost fell but he held onto his willpower and kept upright. By the time he was steady he was short of breath. As soon as he could breathe normally he got to walking.
Grass crunched under his feet. That sound stayed with him as he continued. Slow crunches of grass, for an hour, until he got to the church. Then the sound of his shoes hitting the stone steps replaced the grass. Stone clacked and clicked over and over again stopping only when he reached the top of the steps. He stood at the plateau of the stairs.
The church burned in front of him.
Black flames danced back and forth.
The front wall of the church was barely holding onto the other walls. Subaru was stunned. He didn't say a single thing, didn't move a single muscle, and didn't even breathe. The wall creaked as the fire burned brighter, then it fell toward Subaru.
It hit the ground, spraying him with dust and ash. As the dust settled to the ground a group stood before him.
At the front a woman. Her clothes were skimpy and her body was petite. Butterfly wings splayed out from her back. At her shoulders stood an eight-armed war god and a thin death god. Behind them a little girl and a curvaceous woman eyed him. Hanging behind the winged woman was a young boy dressed in clothing that was ratty and regal at the same time. All their attention was trained on Subaru.
The woman with butterfly wings stepped forward. Subaru didn't move, not even when her fingers ran along his jaw with a hint of seduction.
"It's time to make you love me, meatbag," she said. Then she leaned forward. Her breath grazed his neck.
"Who should I turn into first, I can turn into anyone you want, and appearance is all that matters," she whispered, "You meatbags need to understand that there's nothing deeper to love. Just looks, that's all there is. This lovely lady realizes that."
The woman looked around, glancing at the Bowel Hunter along the way.
"Do you want me to look like Elsa?" she asked and didn't wait for an answer. Her breasts enlarged and she grew a few inches. Her hair might have changed color, he couldn't tell. Subaru let his eyes fall to the floor.
"Ah you don't like that one meatbag, well you will love me. Just have to find the right shape," she tapped at her chin, thinking.
"Ooh, let's try Meili," she said, turning herself into a little girl.
"Do you love me yet, meatbag?" she grabbed his arm.
Subaru didn't say anything.
"Time for this lovely lady to check her gospel then, it's not fun doing this," she shook her head and pulled out a black book. Subaru said nothing while she glanced through the pages. No thought crossed his mind.
"Ah, there we go, this'll make you realize you love this very lovely lady," she said as her form bent and twisted. Subaru's eyes widened as Capella became Petra.
When her transformation finished Capella flashed him a devious smile.
A few thoughts ran through Subaru's mind as Capella's smile melted.
"So the book was wrong, guess I'll have to find out the fun way," she said, angry and excited at the same time.
Capella reached over to grab him, but right before she did so his thoughts burst free from his mouth.
"Kill me."
Capella's eyes snapped up to his. She cocked her head, considering it.
"If you kill me, I'll love you," he said.
She grinned and said, "Deal."
"Strangle me," he said.
"You're a kinky meatbag, Natsuki Subaru," Capella said before tackling him to the ground.
Her face, Petra's face loomed over him as she wrapped her hands around his neck. He didn't resist.
This was good. She wasn't faceless. It was Petra. Subaru could finally die now. Finally, he could rest. His lungs received no oxygen, and Capella eyed him with a sadistic grin.
His vision began to turn black. The pounding of his heart filled his ears. That pounding slowed, then stopped.
Darkness took him for the last time.
Subaru's eyes opened. He'd been dreaming.
"No," he whispered. None of it had been real. He was still alive.
"No," he said. He wanted to be dead.
A scream built up, he pushed that down like all the others. Then he bit down. He clamped his jaw with enough strength that his gums started to bleed. He probably wasn't dreaming anymore. Probably.
Subaru looked around and found the same stump that had been in his dream. He'd probably seen it last night and it had transferred into his dream. He pulled himself toward it then used it to stand up.
He repeated the same walk all the way to the church. Then the same climb up the steps. But this time he didn't find a burning church. This chapel was in perfect condition. He didn't focus on it for too long though, instead he went to the side of the building where Otto was.
The merchant was sitting next to Patrasche and talking to her. His voice wasn't a human one. He sounded like a ground dragon himself. Patrasche was awake, her brilliant colors almost made tears well up in Subaru's eyes. Almost.
Otto laughed. The sound of Otto wheezing, struggling for breath, drowned it out. Patrasche made a deep rustling sound. He wasn't an expert on ground dragon communication, but even he could tell it was laughter. Or could he? He was Natsuki Subaru after all.
What was going on? Otto hadn't killed Patrasche, he was laughing with her. Subaru was still for a minute before Patrasche turned to him. Otto followed suit and waved, then said, "Hey, Natsuki-san."
Subaru's hands formed fists. Liar. Otto was a liar. He was only talking to Patrasche to try and turn her against him. But after the last loop he knew he could trust Patrasche. She hadn't said anything though. It was just Natsuki Subaru's judgment deciding that. Stop. He held the thoughts at bay.
"Otto," Subaru said.
"Rem-san came last night and told me you needed to go," Otto said.
"Yeah," Subaru nodded.
Otto turned to Patrasche and said something in the rough tongue of the ground dragons. Patrasche stood. Otto handed the reins to him.
"Good luck, Natsuki-san," Otto said.
Subaru clenched his jaw.
Stop lying. He said it to himself as he swung on top of Patrasche. Once he got into a stable position he snapped her reins and the two took off, leaving Otto in a cloud of dust. Otto's complaints filled his ears as he and Patrasche rode away.
Subaru's hands squeezed the leather reins. His lips pushed together. He curled up more and more. His legs scrunched into Patrasche's scaly sides. Sound built in his lungs. He sucked in air, as much as he could.
A scream ripped from him. He had no idea how loud it was. He didn't know how long it lasted. All he knew was that oxygen left him, he'd opened his mouth, and his vocal cords ached.
He never even heard the scream.
Otto's wheezes and shallow breaths drowned out all noise.