Subaru sucked in air. He almost collapsed. His tongue probed his teeth. He continued that for a few seconds, to confirm he had his tongue back. He flexed his fingers to ensure they had blood flowing through them. Breath left his lungs, then returned. Breathing. Life. Subaru was alive.
Now with his life confirmed Subaru tried to take a step.
"Subaru," Emilia's voice came, "you liar. Liar. Liar. Liar, liar, liar, Subaru you're a liar."
"Liar…" Subaru whispered, "a liar. That's…"
He stared down at his hand. A bloody rock was entangled within his fingers.
Subaru walked down the steps. As he moved past the group he caught a glimpse of Rem, running to help Emilia. She flashed between truthful blues and dishonest grays. Gray. Blue. Gray. Blue. Graybluegraybluegraybluegrayblue. The colors flashed over and over again, until his eyes fell to his feet and he continued to walk. Petra's red blood covered his hands.
Ram gripped his sleeve and spoke. He didn't hear any of her words.
"Help Rem, give me a minute," he responded like a robot.
Petra's skull split open. Her brain spilled out on the stone. Subaru held himself at a walk, even as he stepped into the forest. His eyes didn't scan the vegetation, or the animals. He didn't deserve to see anything. All he deserved was hate, he was sure of it.
After a little while walking, Subaru began to wobble. He stopped and grasped a tree for support. Some bark flaked off under his fingertips. He tipped to his side, his shoulder hit the tree, more bark fell away.
"Petra…I'm sorry," he sobbed. He wept. He wheezed. He cried. Tears poured down his face.
Natsuki Subaru had failed.
He'd killed Otto.
He'd killed Beatrice.
He'd killed Petra.
What kind of monster was he?
He was Natsuki Subaru.
A failure. A horrible thing. A beast of unimaginable proportions. He deserved death.
In the last loop he'd contemplated Petra caring for him. That idea didn't even cross his mind anymore. It wasn't worth considering. It wasn't worth entertaining. It wasn't worth anything. A shoddy horrible idea by some boy grasping at straws.
But…there were just no straws to grasp.
Rem had been wrong.
Ram didn't love him. Ram just didn't realize how much she should hate him.
Subaru held his hands up to his head and cried into them. Snot dripped from his nose.
He had nothing left to do. Everything had been a failure. A horrible failure.
He arrived in this world. Tried to help Emilia. Failed.
He arrived at the mansion. Tried to help Rem and Ram. Failed and ended up jumping off a cliff.
He went back to the capital then tried to return to the mansion. Everyone died to Petelguese, over and over again. He'd failed and tried to give up.
He got to Sanctuary. Failed. Ended up taking Echidna's hand. Then failed over and over again.
He returned to zero. And everything since had led up to this horrible failure. From turning on his friends to lashing out against them. They hated him, they were right to. They should lash out.
But Natsuki Subaru was such a pathetic entity that everything he tried would be a failure. He couldn't make them hate him alone. When he tried it all ended up like last time. With Petra dead on the mossy stone of a long-abandoned laboratory.
Subaru knew of only one person all of the others had hated. Someone they'd all tried to kill.
Ley Batenkaitos, Sin Archbishop of Gluttony.
Pandora had offered him the same position. Subaru didn't feel any disgust at her offer anymore. It was time to stop being selfish. He had to help his friends lash out and kill him. This was the only way that he could help them now. Subaru tried to force a smile. All he ended up doing was screaming and sobbing.
"Why does it have to be so hard…?" Subaru asked in this last moment. Once Subaru stood up, then the decision would be made. He would take Pandora's hand.
When he stood he would become Natsuki Subaru, Sin Archbishop of Gluttony.
But he didn't stand yet.
All he did was cry. He wrapped his suit jacket around his head and cried, like a little boy, hurt, tortured, alone in a foreign world. Without his parents. Without Echidna, the woman who'd made him into who he was.
Subaru's heart was beaten and battered, it had long since broken. He let out all his tears into his jacket, it was the closest he'd felt to someone else in so long. How long had he been here in Sanctuary? In the grand scheme of things, not very long. He'd only spent a what…seven loops here…was that even the right number? Maybe it was eight. Could have been eight. So few loops. So little time. But it felt so very long. Like a marathon of dying and getting up only to die again. He'd fought against the water for so long.
His thrashing had no doubt gotten in the way of the Emilia Camp's happiness. Now there was only one thing he could do.
To accept, and drown, so he stopped bothering the people who despised him. This was the thing he could do.
Natsuki Subaru was alone at this last moment. No one helped him stand. No one kept him from making this decision. And no one made it.
Capella Emerada Lugunica had told him all this.
Echidna had told him all this.
They'd been right.
He didn't trust either. But they were right.
Natsuki Subaru stood up and began his journey toward the mansion. Toward Pandora. Toward the open hatred of the entire world.
Toward the Witch's Cult that had taken so much from him.
Now it would repay him. With a chance to bring those he'd suffered for to open hatred. And an opportunity to take their suffering to the grave when they murdered him.
It was a good offer. He didn't fight it, not anymore.
Ram got Emilia and Rem back to Emilia's cabin. Once they were taken care of she walked back outside and heaved a deep sigh. Then she checked on Subaru through her Clairvoyance. While she searched the forest for his eyes she sat down. The pain from her fight against Ley still overwhelmed her sometimes. So she sat down next to a tree stump. She tapped on it while searching. The rhythm of her fingers on bark thrummed in her ears.
While the tune of her fingers hitting the bark went on she searched for Subaru, going through all perspectives in the forest. After a while she found him. He was walking toward the edge of Kremaldy Forest. Tears poured down his face. Even though her Clairvoyance didn't grant hearing she knew there were broken sounds coming from his mouth. Something had done this to him.
Ram stopped tapping that rhythm. She rested her hand on the edge of the stump, where the top slanted into the trunk.
"Barusu," she whispered. He exited the range of her Clairvoyance. Her lips curled into a sneer.
Someone had hurt Subaru.
Her mana acted on its own. She didn't stop the magic from forming. Pain rocketed through her body. Wind blasted from her palm. It chopped the stump into two pieces. The cut was clean. Perfect. She ignored the pain and focused on Subaru. Her determination hardened and she ran toward the church. Subaru had a head start on her. She'd need a way to catch up with him.
Pain rocketed through her creaking bones. They were like that of an old woman, especially after the battle with Batenkaitos. Ram ignored them. She didn't care what kind of bone's her body thought she had. Ram knew she was a cute young woman. She would run. And so with all her force of will, she subdued the pain which would have made most collapse into a fit of screaming and sped up.
Within minutes she arrived at the church. Not once did she stop or slow down. Not from her heart trying to pound its way out of her chest. Not from her legs screaming out. Not from the blood dripping down her forehead. As soon as she got to the steps leading up the hill to the church she took a second to wipe the blood away, then kept running.
Her ascension to the church was fast, and her sprint to the side where Otto stood with the ground dragons was faster. Otto moved his hands quickly, working on cleaning the space in between his ground dragon's scales. Something she knew was only done when a ground dragon was perfectly cared for and needed nothing else.
That meant the dragons were in perfect condition, Ram smiled and yanked Otto away from his work.
"Ram-san?" he asked as his eyebrows rose.
"Which ground dragon is faster, Barusu's or yours?" Ram didn't care about giving him any insults. There was a far more pressing matter right now.
Otto's lips turned to a frown, "Natsuki-san's but she's less nice."
"Mhm," Ram didn't hear anything after Subaru's name. She walked up to Patrasche.
Upon seeing her the ground dragon growled. Ram put her face even with the ground dragon's and said, "I know that you can understand me. I need your help. Barusu is in trouble, we need to get to him before he can get himself into even more."
Patrasche stared at her for a while. Ram didn't like the ground dragon and knew the feeling was mutual. In their tiny amount of time together since the White Whale battle neither had tried to interact. They could have existed in their entirely separate realms of life. Ram a normal woman, and Patrasche a normal ground dragon. They'd have never interacted. But Subaru needed help, the loveable idiot.
Ram smiled a bit.
"Ram-san, Patrasche says that she'll help under one condition," Otto's frown deepened.
"What is it?"
"She says," Otto quoted, "that you better stop wasting time. And make her run down Natsuki-san as fast as possible."
"Hah, I accept her condition," Ram said with a laugh.
Patrasche didn't lean down to help her get up. That didn't stop Ram from throwing herself onto Patrasche's back.
"Go help Natsuki-san, Ram-san," Otto waved her off.
"I will," Ram said, then patted Patrasche's neck, "you said as fast as possible."
Patrasche turned her head and looked at Ram. She was waiting for the rest, probably expecting an insult. She was right to expect one.
"If this stillness is as fast as possible then you aren't very smart, even for a ground dragon," Ram said.
Patrasche growled, then bolted forward. Ram's body flew back and she desperately tightened her legs. This speed was more than she had expected. But then again Patrasche had outrun the White Whale. Ram grinned, what else had she been expecting? This was more than enough. Ram grasped the reins and steered Patrasche into the direction Subaru had been going. Neither one was content to stop until they got to Subaru. Earlier Ram had sprinted to her limit, now it was Patrasche's turn.
Ram couldn't be happier with the ground dragon's performance, though she'd never say it. "This is it? HAH! Pathetic ground dragon. And to think your species was said to be a prideful one. I guess all your species is prideful about is their slowness."
Patrasche gave her one last look.
Her speed nearly doubled and almost knocked Ram off, almost.
Ram grinned, "Hah, finally something meriting a tiny bit of pride."
Subaru kept walking. He'd walk until he reached Pandora, then he would serve as Sin Archbishop of Gluttony until Petra strangled him, then he'd be done. It would be nice to die. When Petra killed him he'd be done. He'd have done everything he could for those around him. He'd die without a single regret on his mind. His head would slip beneath the water, his lungs would fill with it, and without a sound, he'd shake off the mortal coil he'd been chained by for so long.
So…long. Why had he been alive this long? Subaru was tired. So tired. So incredibly tired.
His long walk continued. He didn't care how long it took to get there. He had confidence Pandora would find him given enough time. She seemed to be a resourceful person. Pandora would find him, then he could enter the homestretch of his long life. A life that almost anyone would consider too long. He'd used to reject that, saying it was as long as it needed to be for those around him. If he lived every second taking on their suffering then his life would be just the right amount of time.
But now he realized he'd never taken any pain from them. He'd just taken their physical pain and vomited emotional horrors back at them. Subaru hung his head but didn't stop walking.
After a minute he looked up, he had a long walk ahead. Each step was just another closer to death, but for the death of him, he couldn't move any faster. There was already no life in his legs. Sometimes he didn't know whether his heart was beating or not, not that it would matter soon. Soon his heart wouldn't beat anymore. He sighed and made an odd noise. Odd because even he had no idea what it was. Was it sobbing? Was it laughing? He had no idea.
Subaru continued his odd mixture of crying and laughing as he kept walking. His eyes fell to the ground as he drew further and further from the forest. A small thumping began on the edge of his senses. He ignored it. It didn't matter.
The thumping grew louder and louder until something slammed into his back, throwing him to the ground. A growl pushed into him. No fear came to his chest, only a bit of annoyance, and tiredness. He was so tired, why couldn't he just die faster?
He laid there, face first in the mud; he'd suffocate if he didn't get up.
He didn't try to get up.
"You're an idiot Barusu," Ram yanked him off the ground and lifted him to his feet, "now tell me what happened."
Subaru's head dropped. Ram was still the same gray. She was still lying. Even if Rem had been right, which she wasn't, it was just because Ram didn't know enough about him.
"Stop lying," he whispered.
Ram's lips quirked down, "Hm. Lying about what?"
"That you actually care."
Ram crossed her arms, "I'm not pretending."
"You are," Subaru said, then looked down and met her eyes, "and if you're not it's just because you don't know enough about me."
"You're right. I don't know enough about you. So tell me," Ram demanded, her stern gaze paralyzed him.
"You'll hate me," Subaru said.
"If I don't already hate the idiotic mess that you are, I don't see why I would start."
"You will."
Ram grabbed his shoulders, "Try me, coward Barusu."
Subaru closed his eyes and let out a long breath, then he began, "I'll tell you about everything horrible I've done. I trusted the wrong person, I took her hand, then manipulated all of my friends. I forced one to abandon her knight and leave to Kararagi. I took that knight and brought him into the service of my old mistress so that she would have a better position. He was my friend, and I forced him to serve someone he didn't want to."
Ram didn't speak, her face was impassive, he had no idea how she felt, so he continued.
"I used that friend over and over to make things easy for everyone. I made them feel like everything was easy, but I never talked to them. I said nothing to them, I let them all wallow in misery while claiming I was doing the right thing. They all hated me. I trampled over all their emotions and left them all hurt. I claimed I was helping them, and that I would do it while they wept. I wasn't helping anyone. I made one friend leave because he didn't feel like a friend. I made one hate her sister and despise me. I gave a horrible person power when he shouldn't have had any. I turned the woman I loved into a dependent doll bound to my will. Oh…Em—it made it so much easier for me. I broke another's home to help people without ever trying to help him."
Subaru looked at Ram once more, she didn't say anything. No hatred was crossing her face. But he knew it was roiling deep within her. He just had to bring it out, so he kept going.
"I forced one friend to break a binding contract that they valued over everything. I didn't ask them. I didn't help them. I ripped them from their life and claimed I was helping them. Then that woman I'd trusted left me, and I left all my friends behind. I abandoned them! All of them in that horrible state! I DIDN'T HELP THEM AT ALL!" he screamed and glanced at Ram. A scowl had formed.
There it was, her hatred coming to the surface, he just had to keep going.
"Then I came to another group of people. I pretended to help them, and for a time I believed that they cared about me. They never did, each and every one of them hated me. They picked me to be tortured. Then two froze me. Another left me to the Great Rabbit to help the others. Another destroyed all the trust I'd placed in her. Then the last one almost died before I could help them."
Ram didn't interject. Why not? Why couldn't she just stop him? Well it didn't matter. He'd make her hate him now.
"Then I got pissed off about it. So I strangled the one who left me to help others. I beat the one who broke my trust over the head with a rock and caved her skull in. The one who almost died before I could get to them… I cracked her head open with the same rock! I killed them!"
Ram said nothing.
"I KILLED THEM!" Subaru wheezed, "SAY SOMETHING! HATE ME!" he screamed and grabbed Ram's wrists. He put her hands on his neck, "H-hate me…please…just kill me. I know you hate me…why do you have to lie?"
Ram's hands remained on his neck. She rubbed her fingers back and forth up and down his throat. Her touch was so tender.
"Barusu," Ram scowled, but her voice wasn't cold in the slightest.
"P-please."
She didn't listen to him, "Maybe some would call me naive. Maybe others would ridicule me for how I feel, but I don't hate you."
Subaru's lips fell open, his eyes misted over, "NO! YOU HAVE TO HATE ME! IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE! Those people I killed…they'd want you to hate me. They'd want revenge."
Ram's face grew determined, "Barusu you are an idiot to think I would question my brilliant cute self because of a few words from you."
"S-shut up," he sobbed.
"You're right," Ram said, "I should hate you. Maybe if I'd seen you do these things and if I didn't know you, then I would despise you. But I do not feel that way about you."
Subaru tried to condemn her words, but he had nothing to say. All of his mind was frozen as he clung to her wrists.
Ram's resolve did not fade, for a single second her hair flashed a brilliant pink, her red eyes met his. She took her hands off his neck and grabbed his. Her touch was so warm. She pulled one of his hands to where her heart was. In the next second Ram's color was gone, but her heart was still beating. Emotions swirled within him. His conscious mind offered up any conclusion it could come to. It offered nothing. His mind was silent.
His heart was not. And neither was Ram's.
"I'm saying," Ram's eyes closed, "that I will prioritize my own feelings over those of the dead."
Subaru wept. His heart screamed. Ram was lying. His heart screamed louder. She hated him. It was a deafening cry. She did. Ram's heart beat along with his own. He wanted to shy away from her, to run, to escape. But he couldn't. Something in him held him. Was this Natsuki Subaru? Come back from deep within the place he'd been stowed. Here to escape and to enter the world again. Was this that moment?
No, Natsuki Subaru wasn't holding him.
He was holding himself. He was waiting for Ram's words. They would be lies.
No they won't.
Yes. They will be lies, all of them.
It's Ram.
What does that mean?
It's Ram.
ANSWER ME NATSUKI SUBARU WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Ram doesn't lie.
She lies all the time.
This will not be a lie.
It will.
It won't.
It's going to be.
It's Ram. That voice that was himself said again. And for another breath, Ram became herself, in full color. Full beautiful color.
He knew what the other was talking about. It was so simple. So glaring. How had he not seen it?
It was…Ram.
With a quiet mind but a raging heart he asked, "And how do you feel, Ram?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Ram smiled and her eyes took on their own misty quality, "I love you, Barusu."
His hand was still on her chest. Her heart beat along with his own.
What did I tell you? It's Ram.
It's Ram. And she loves us, doesn't she?
Isn't it obvious?
His mind came apart. Natsuki Subaru cried like a baby. It was not a cry of despair. Not a cry of agony. It was a different type of crying. The crying where emotions rose to the surface. Where the mind was no longer needed. Where the heart could breathe.
Subaru had been fighting against the raging river of his heart for so long. And not once had he let himself slip beneath those waters. He'd been fighting so long. But with Ram so close, this was not the time to fight. She loved him. He had no reason to resist her.
So he surrendered. He let himself slip into the river of his heart.
And he found breath.
He wasn't drowning. Not anymore.
I've had it backward this whole time, haven't I?
Within the river of his heart, Subaru cried. So many tears came out. He could barely see except for tiny glimpses of Ram. She was so colorful.
Subaru began to curl up into a ball using his suit jacket to shield him from the outside world. Ram stopped him by bringing him into a hug. She held her arms around him. He held onto her with everything he had.
"You don't have to hide your tears, Barusu," Ram whispered, "you don't have to hide from me."
Ram rubbed his back as rivers ran down his face and flowed into her shoulder. He sobbed and wept. Everything ripped out of him. So many tears that he was probably dehydrated. A scream tore from him then. Within it was all the pain of Capella's torture. Snot poured from his nose. All the horrors of his distrust. He wept. All the times he'd held himself together.
So this was what it was like to drown in his heart.
This isn't so bad.
I really did have it backwards.
His weeping didn't stop for a long time, but when the tears finally dried up, silence consumed them. It was tranquil. Not oppressive. Ram ended the silence.
"Do you want to know why I feel the way I do?" Ram asked.
Without taking his head out from the space between her shoulder and neck Subaru nodded. He was still a little scared. There were doubts in his heart. He didn't try to crush them. Why would he run from his doubts when he could face them with Ram?
Ram ran one hand through his hair, "Don't worry, Barusu, you can stay there while I talk."
Subaru wanted to cry again. He let himself cry.
When he was done Ram was still combing her hand through his hair. She'd waited for him to finish. Now that he was silent she said, "I'll only say these things once, so listen closely."
Subaru waited as his doubts came to the surface.
Ram's words came, and they confronted those doubts, "Barusu, I've only known you for two months, and in that time you've helped my sister stay in the mansion. You ran into a forest full of mabeasts to help us. You've killed the White Whale just to help us stop Gluttony. You've helped me kill Gluttony. You've shown my sister the things I could not. Thank you for saving my Rem. You're a brave man, so wonderfully brave. You use the knowledge from that horrible past of yours to help people in the present. You don't hesitate to help your friends. Maybe in the past you did, but this isn't the past anymore."
Subaru was too stunned to breathe. His doubts melted away on their own. It felt so much better than crushing them.
"You're a wonderful man. You've done so much to help us even though you barely know most of us. You came to the Sanctuary with us, and now you're helping Emilia-sama face the trials. You're trying to liberate the residents of Sanctuary. In that past of yours you've done horrible things. I trust the context you've given me. And I know you did all those things. But I don't see that man anymore. Now I see a broken person who only wants to be loved. And you don't need to want anymore."
"Ram…" Subaru whispered.
"I love you. I see you. Now that you have love we're going to make you into a good person. A person everyone else can feel the same way as I do about."
"Ram…" Subaru had no idea what to say other than that.
"I love you, Natsuki Subaru," Ram said.
The memory of that room, Capella torturing him, returned. Ram said that same name. This time, it didn't sound so bad. It was so full of warmth, tenderness, and love. He clung to Ram tighter. Her breath caught. He was probably squeezing her too hard, but he didn't want to stop.
"Ram, can you say it one more time?"
"I'm not saying the whole thing again, idiot, I don't have all night," Ram said.
"Then just the last part."
And Ram's voice rang out again, "I love you, Natsuki Subaru."
Her words were so warm. His mind, empty of doubt, didn't hesitate to trust those words.
Subaru embraced Ram further. She started to wheeze a little.
"Stop squeezing me you idiot," she whispered.
Subaru didn't listen.
"Mmh, fine I can play this game too," Ram took her hand out of his hair and stopped rubbing his back. She wrapped both arms fully around him. Then she squeezed.
In an instant all the power shifted to her and she nearly crushed him.
"Hk!" Subaru's breath escaped. He continued his attempts to embrace her. He tried to win the battle with all his might, but her strength was overwhelming in comparison. He had no power here. But he wasn't afraid of that. Ram wouldn't kill him. She wouldn't torture him. She'd love him. His frown lifted. He didn't smile, but he wasn't frowning anymore.
Yet still, Ram was winning this battle, and he couldn't let that happen. He shifted where he placed his strength. He stopped trying to squeeze and instead dropped them both from sitting to the ground. Ram's back hit the grass, and her arms lost strength for a second.
Subaru pulled his head out from her shoulder to get a better read of the fight. Ram's colors overwhelmed him. He froze at her stunning brightness. Ram exploited the opportunity and flipped them so she was above.
Again she'd taken control so easily. He tried to think of a way to win, but Ram had already made it so her strength wasn't all in her arms, she was now ready for anything he did. He'd let go of the one window he had. Ram was too smart to be fooled twice and now she was above him, glowing like the sun in this night air.
In all her radiant color Ram stared down at him, then lowered her mouth to his ear and said, "I win, Barusu."
He tried to respond but her lips were on his before he could.
All his memories of the past faded away on Ram's lips. For this moment it was just the two of them. None of the guilt reached him. An idea formed in his mind. But he didn't pursue it, instead he wrapped his arms around Ram and threw her onto her back.
Ram's eyes snapped open, she realized she'd left him an opening. Subaru didn't let her get her own though, he pinned her arms behind her head and sank deeper into the kiss. Ram didn't fight back as she easily could have. The two melted together for that moment.
After a few moments, they broke their kiss and gazed at each other. Subaru's eyes rolled along the brilliant colors that made up Ram. Taking in the pink of her hair, the red of her eyes, the peach of her skin.
As they looked at each other, in tranquil quiet, that idea finally took shape in his head. Subaru thought on it, with Ram's words as the backdrop to keep him calm. A few long moments later he spoke.
"Ram, there's something that I need to do," he said.
"What do you need, Barusu?"
"I want to…apologize. Can you be there with me when I do it?"
"Hah, I've deigned it appropriate for me to help, so yes, I can."
"Thank you," Subaru said as he stood up and pulled her along with him.
Subaru stared off in the direction of Sanctuary. Patrasche was standing only a few meters away, waiting for him and Ram. He stepped toward the ground dragon. Ram followed without any more questions.
Subaru and Ram stood right outside the hallway into Echidna's tomb. The dull gray stone was exactly the same color as everything else. Only Ram and Patrasche had regained their color.
Guilt pushed into the back of Subaru's mind. He wobbled a little looking at the tomb, Ram rested a hand on his back, he steadied.
"Thank you," he said.
"Are you sure of this, Barusu?" Ram asked.
"Yes, I need to do this. I left them behind. I need to at least apologize right."
"Then don't mess it up too bad, imbecile."
Subaru sucked in a breath and walked forward. When he got inside the tomb began to glow. The blue color was something he could no longer see, but its luminance remained. It got brighter the further he went. Guilt pushed at him. It wanted to shatter him, but he held Ram's radiant form in his mind and stepped with strength. This was something he needed to do.
Deeper and deeper he went, until finally, he entered the main room. Once inside, the room sapped his consciousness. The effect grew greater and greater until his foot hit the center.
His voice rang out, "First you must face your past."