Warmth surrounded him; a bit of sweat had wet his hair in the night. Subaru unwrapped the blanket from himself and sat up on the couch. Next time he slept he could adjust the covers better so there was more ventilation.
But that was a secondary concern. First, he breathed in to confirm he still had life.
"Augh," a short grunt escaped his lips. It was practiced. Ritualistic. He'd used it for eons now as another way to know he was awake, real, and not stuck in an endless dream.
He flexed his fingers in a slight motion. Alive. Yes, he was certainly alive today. It got hard to tell sometimes.
He forced himself to his feet and made his way to the bathroom. Flicking on the light at the door, he leaned down to the sink and turned on the cold water. No hot water; it would have been useless.
He cupped his hands below the faucet, letting the liquid pool. When it was dripping over and back into the sink, he splashed it on his face. He didn't bother to close his eyes.
With the shock of the cold, he pushed away whatever dejection had been in his expression before. Then he straightened his lips and lifted them.
As soon as the water leaked from his eyes he examined today's smile. It was good. It would work for today.
At the edge of his vision, just below his chin, was his crystal.
It was broken.
His smile vanished; his memories manifested.
Everything returned.
Otto's wheezing, the begging of Beatrice, and the cracking of Petra's skull. He'd killed them. He'd killed them. Murdered them. All for nothing.
The trial turned gray. And by the time he realized it, he was on the ground, curled up and trembling. He had no idea what to do. Should he leave it all behind, let himself die here, frying his mind outside? Should he go out, tell them all he'd failed, and killed them, then submit to their punishment? Should he—
"I love you, Natsuki Subaru."
Pink hair, shimmering in the moonlight.
Subaru's shaking stopped. Focus came to his tumultuous head. With still hands, he pulled himself up by the sink counter. His breathing was heavy when he got to the top. He stared deep into the mirror, deep into the man staring back; a guilty man, a sinner, a terrible entity, but someone loved by Ram despite it all. Staring at the object of Ram's love, he whispered, "Can't stop now, Natsuki Subaru." He'd put this off for too long. Far too long.
He exited the bathroom with those words hanging in the air. It was time to apologize. Though, Subaru didn't have a clue how he was supposed to go about it. How could he trust himself after all he'd done? But if he couldn't trust himself, then he could trust Ram, right?
Yes, she was Ram, of course he could trust her.
Subaru made his way to the hallway, opening the door along the way. She was Ram, and that was it, no other qualifier was necessary.
Right outside was Petra, meeting him with her faintly lost expression. Subaru stared at her, until Petra remembered her duties and bowed. "Subaru-sama, would you like me to bring you some breakfast?"
"Petra…" Subaru was speechless. No…this couldn't, he couldn't do this. Not with Petra. He couldn't apologize to her. But…
"Barusu," Ram's hand touched his back. Subaru stared down at the floor, then back up at Petra. This was the time; he couldn't delay it any longer. Ram wouldn't let him. She'd push him on no matter what. And he would oblige.
"Subaru-sama?" Petra tilted her head, "Are you alright?"
Subaru kneeled down. There were no words he could find to make this apology. So he waited and waited, thinking. Of nothing, and more nothing.
"What's going on?" she asked, reaching out her hand and resting it on his forehead.
"You know, Petra…I have no idea," he answered.
She moved to speak, but right then he'd finally found a few words, "Wait…"
"Subaru?" she said, forgetting her maidly position once more.
"I do have an idea," tears came to his eyes, and he imagined Ram's smile to hold his guilt at bay. Subaru lifted his hand and offered it to Petra. She took it with a hesitant reverence.
"What do you need, Subaru-sama?" Petra's frown had grown more pronounced. There was so much worry in her. Her green eyes glowed, and there was a misty tint to them.
"Petra, I'm an idiot," Subaru said, "I want to apologize to you, to say sorry for all the things I've done, but honestly, I don't know the words to say."
On the edge of tears, Petra asked, "What do you mean?"
Subaru breathed out. It was a harrowed breath, but there was a tiny bit of hope. Petra cared about him. He trusted Petra. So why not trust her with this?
"I'm saying…that I need your help, to apologize to you."
"Subaru," Petra's tears stopped welling up, "you need me to help you apologize to me?"
Subaru nodded, "So, will you help me?"
"What do you have to apologize for?" Petra asked.
"Everything."
Petra broke out in laughter, water poured down her face, she wiped it away with one hand, and held his in the other, "Of course, everything it is."
"T-thank you," Subaru could barely believe it. The girl he'd murdered was going to help him apologize to herself. The world had a twisted sense of justice. Petra should be hunting him down, murdering him, killing him, ripping his neck out with her bare hands…but she wasn't, because that wasn't Petra. A new brick laid on the ever building guilt in his chest, but he couldn't let this moment slip. This was a time to truly apologize, to lay his guilt to rest, to help Ram in the present.
"Alright. First, you don't smile for real anymore," Petra pointed out, her eyes boring holes into him. Her voice raked him over the coals, as he deserved.
"I'm sorr—" Subaru tried to speak, but Petra interrupted him.
"That's not the apology I want, Subaru."
"Then…what should I apologize for?"
Petra didn't hesitate to respond, "Pretending to smile."
"Then, I'm sorry for pretending to smile, Petra," Subaru bowed his head. Petra quickly lifted it up with her soft fingertips.
"You still have more to apologize for," Petra said. Subaru held his face up and waited for her next words. They came quickly, "You need to be sorry for all the pretending, not just the smiling. You have to be sorry for pretending to be happy for so long."
"Then…" he was silent for a moment, "then what should I have done?" Subaru asked. Why shouldn't he have pretended to be happy? Was that not how he should have operated? Such a conclusion was simply alien to him…but wasn't that wrong?
Petra smiled down at him, there was compassion within it and she spoke as if instructing a child.
"You should have told us you were sad, and we all could have helped."
"Oh…" Subaru's eyes widened, did she not want to see him sad? Why?
He didn't need an answer to that though, and Petra didn't need to give one. Subaru forced himself to breathe and wash away the doubt, he already had the truth in his heart, "I'm sorry for pretending to be happy. I wish I could go back and tell you the truth over and over again, to make up for all the lies. To show you that I'm sad… so s-so…" the words were so impossible to say but they needed saying, "so that you can help me be happy."
"You wish?" Petra asked.
"Yeah, I wish I could."
She took his hand, "So, what's stopping you?"
His lips dropped open, and with levity he said, "Oh, right. I can still tell you the truth."
Petra smiled, "You're an idiot."
"I really am," he whispered. It was so simple. Of course he could just tell her the truth now. She wasn't gone forever. But this one, this Petra was.
That wasn't the end though. Subaru knew now, and right as the thought crossed his mind Petra began to fade, "Good luck with the other's, Subaru."
"Wait," Subaru grasped for her, but she was faint. Her form fuzzed as his hand slipped right through her, "I still want to tell you the truth."
"Silly Subaru," Petra giggled, "I'm just the trial, the real Petra's outside. Tell her."
Right, he'd lost his chance with this Petra, he didn't get it back. It was time to accept that, so Subaru didn't say anything more as he watched her go. Right before she vanished though, one thing came to his lips, "I'll always tell you the truth from now on."
While it earned him a final smile from the disappearing Petra, the words weren't for her. And they weren't meant for anyone to linger on, so Suabru stood up and went out into the hallway proper. It was time to face Garfiel. For this one Subaru wouldn't be able to ask for help, but he wasn't discouraged. He stepped through the walkway, gray light shining through the windows; an ethereal glow made the gray seem odd. Odder still, he couldn't even see the sun. Subaru sighed, this really was the trial. The trial, the test of his past, and he had no idea what to say. But he'd find the words, Ram knew he could.
It wasn't long until a boy entered the main hallway from one of the side corridors. His hair remained dull and gray in the sunlight. His eyes were full of hatred and anger, his hands were stained from countless hours of training, and his lips were twisted downward.
"Garfiel," Subaru said.
"Th'fuck d'you want?" Garfiel snapped, morning light reflecting on water in his eyes.
Subaru held his guilt at bay, and responded, "Can I ask you something?"
"Fuck off." Garfiel continued to walk past him.
Subaru looked back. He had no idea what to say. The pain in Garfiel's voice had stolen any conviction he'd possessed. And yet, a little thought entered his mind. Words jumped from Subaru's lips, "We're similar, aren't we?"
Garfiel turned, a sneer on his face, "My amazin' self told yer to go fuck yerself, Natsuki Subaru."
Subaru took Garfiel's ridicule to heart and kept going, "You were afraid of the outside world."
"I wasn't afraid," Garfiel said, more hatred flowing through him, and stepped toward Subaru.
"You wanted to protect everyone, and the outside was something you couldn't account for." It was so simple. The words came so easily to Subaru, because in a way it was similar to his desire to protect everyone here. Keep them locked away with Return by Death. He'd never let anyone out of their cage. And they'd all hated him for it.
"Fuck. Off."
"Garfiel," Subaru whispered, "I'm sorry."
Garfiel's fists tightened and he bashed his fist through the wall, "My amazin' self doesn't need yer fuckin' apology!"
Subaru nodded, "I know. You're strong, Garfiel. But I'm still sorry."
"My amazin' self don't need yer fuckin' pity! I don't need anythin' from you!" Garfiel kicked him in the stomach, throwing Subaru to the ground.
Subaru ignored the impact and just let the words out, they'd finally come into his mind, "I destroyed your entire life, didn't I, Garfiel?"
"You put everyone in danger, you fuckin' prick," Garfiel leaned down, raising his fist to batter Subaru to nothing more than a pulp.
"We really are the same," Subaru whispered.
"Fuck off!"
Subaru held off the shame, "I think you know what it's like, to feel the need to protect everyone. To control the situation so they can all remain safe and cared for. To never let go of any of them. To use only yourself to keep them safe, because anyone else would cause you to lose control. Because you can't trust anyone else." Subaru spoke the words from his heart, but they weren't healing Garfiel, they weren't changing him, they weren't doing a single thing for Garfiel Tinzel.
Garfiel's lip quivered, giving Subaru the opportunity to speak again, "I get it. Then some guy comes along and ruins everything," Subaru's mind formed an image of Garfiel, and Garfiel's mind no doubt conjured a picture of Subaru, "It's happened to me so many times, so I really get it. That guy tramples all over your desires, so you have to do things you don't like to win."
"You…" Garfiel was still speechless.
"We're the same, Garfiel Tinzel," Subaru said, not to Garfiel. Because so far he hadn't even said a single thing to Garfiel, he hadn't even been talking to him.
"Natsuki…Subaru," Garfiel whispered. Emotions untold swirled beneath Garfiel's skin.
But Subaru was not done, he had more to say, "If I could go back I'd change how it happened. Instead of destroying your life's goal in the hope of saving everyone my way, I think I'd do something else. Do you have any ideas?"
"No, I don't because we're not the fuckin' same," Garfiel said in a low tone. Subaru's words had truly done nothing.
"Well, maybe we're not," Subaru closed his eyes, "I'm sorry, Garfiel Tinzel. I won't do the same thing this time. Instead of destroying your home and life's work, I'll ask Ram what to do. She'll know. Then you and me…we'll work together to keep the people of Sanctuary safe. I can do it all again, my second chance is here."
Subaru didn't know if he should trust any of these words. They were coming from him, after all.
But Ram had faith in him, faith in Natsuki Subaru's words. And she was Ram, the woman who'd held him back from the brink, and kept him sane. So if his words were trusted by Ram, then they couldn't be so bad.
He breathed out behind his closed eyelids. When he opened them again, Garfiel Tinzel was full of color, and was fading away. There was still so much hatred on his face. But along his blonde hair, and his green eyes, Subaru knew he had his second chance.
"Yer fuckin' nuts," Garfiel condemned him. He was right, Subaru was nuts, and a monster…but Ram wouldn't love a monster forever. She'd make him good again, and even if he'd ever been good to begin with…it didn't matter. It was a subtle distinction. Either she'd make him good again, or she'd make him good for the first time.
Subaru stood up and bowed to Garfiel, "I'm sorry I made the wrong decision in your time. And there's nothing I can do to change that. You'll always hate me, but I have a chance now. A chance to make it right."
Garfiel didn't say anything more as he disappeared. There was nothing Subaru could do to change how the boy felt. Garfiel would never heal from what Subaru had done. He'd never recover and move past his rage. These words, this apology, it was so selfish, because none of it was for Garfiel. This Garfiel was stuck in this spot, he couldn't change. But this Garfiel was gone, and that was all there was to it.
Now it was time for him to stop regretting what he'd done to Garfiel.
Subaru had made the wrong choice.
He wouldn't make it again.
"Goodbye, Garfiel, I'll see you out in the present."
As soon as the boy full of color faded, Subaru let out his breath. It shook, trembled, and quivered, but Subaru didn't hide from the pain. He just remembered Ram's hand at his back, with the sensation of her strength pushing him along.
Subaru turned around. And it was there he met his next regret.
"Subaru-sama," Reinhard van Astrea bowed. The strongest being in the world, possessing limbs that could decimate cities with little effort, bowed to Natsuki Subaru. And not of his own volition.
Reinhard pushed his gray body down in melancholy. Gray hair bled to red, and color returned to Reinhard. This man couldn't lie to him. He was too broken for that. Subaru's heart ached, he'd killed Petra, he'd killed Beatrice, he'd killed Otto, but he'd forced Reinhard to live a fate worse than death. Strung along without Felt, pressured into serving Emilia.
"Reinhard," Subaru whispered, he stared at the man for a while, then slowly pulled him into a hug.
"Subaru-sama, are you hurt? What did I do wrong?" Reinhard asked, reaching over to check Subaru's temperature.
Subaru softly deflected his hand, whispering, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Reinhard."
"Is it because I was half a second late to breakfast this morning?" Reinhard said. But even with the total lack of concern toward his own emotions, Reinhard hung onto him.
Subaru choked back tears, "I'm the one who made Felt leave."
Reinhard's arms tightened, squeezing Subaru's ribcage. If Reinhard used even a tiny fraction more strength he'd have broken Subaru.
"Reinhard. It wasn't your fault. It was mine, and I'm sorry."
"Subaru…" hatred entered Reinhard's tone. If this wasn't the trial then Subaru would be a crushed sack of blood, meat, and melted bones on the ground.
"Hate me, Reinhard, but remember, none of it was your fault. It was all mine, for no reason you had any part of. All my fault, none yours. Zero percent of it was caused by you. No matter what you think of yourself, just remember. You were a great knight, you never once disappointed Felt, you were her knight and she didn't want any other. She wouldn't have wanted any other. I offered Reinhard, when I convinced her to go off to Kararagi. I offered to have one of the Mathers knights go along with her. She declined, she said there was no point having a knight anymore, because they couldn't live up to Reinhard van Astrea, and she didn't deserve one after leaving you behind. Remember, her feelings aren't your fault, or hers, they're mine."
This was the one place where he ruined everything. The singular place where it was all his fault. Echidna had suggested the plan, but he'd listened, he'd gone ahead, time after time. Sometimes trying to get away with Felt's murder instead of talking her away. And Subaru wouldn't let Reinhard have the blame, this was his guilt, his pain, his mistake, his crime, no one else's, "This is all my fault, and I won't do it again. I won't take that away from both of you this time."
Within the heart of Natsuki Subaru, a process he could not describe began for the third time. He had no idea what it was, for he'd never felt this before. But it was liberating. Subaru ended their hug, and looked upon Reinhard. He glowed with brilliant red and blue. Except the blue in his eyes, and the tears dripping down his face. There was nothing Subaru could do for Reinhard, this Reinhard at least. A second process finished in his heart. One that had occurred twice before.
"Goodbye, Reinhard van Astrea," Subaru bade the Sword Saint farewell. Reinhard didn't say anything. He wasn't even real, just an illusion created by the trial. And now he faded away. There was no reason for Subaru to keep him here anymore.
For the third time, Natsuki Subaru let go.
Reinhard vanished. Subaru's heart let a shackle slip free. He stood up straighter as he moved through the manor.
His fingers rubbed along the walls as he passed. The rich texture of the paint was a feeling he'd missed. But he could feel it again. There was no longer a reason to hold onto this one. He didn't need to look to feel the mansion disappearing behind him. It only existed to give the trial a setting, and the part behind him had provided it.
Subaru strode with Ram in his mind. He'd accept his past, move on from it, and be with her in the present. Once more he had a reason to move forward. Dreading the past would only hold him down, it was just the past after all.
His guilt shifted. He kept moving, until Roswaal L. Mathers stood before him.
"Oh hellooooooo, Subaru-sama," Roswaal said, his arms held out to the side, welcoming him. A great smile stretched across the clown's face. Subaru ignored everything else, none of it mattered. This was Roswaal L. Mathers, who cared about him at all?
"I'm going to destroy those plans of yours this time," Subaru made his ambition known and walked past Roswaal. The jester faded without being able to speak another word. That was how it should be, Subaru had bigger things to worry about than Roswaal. A fourth shift in his heart occurred.
He had another, far more important destination in mind, and to get to it he walked across red carpet made of rich silk. With every footstep, it disappeared. Reality was coming apart at the seams behind him, and Subaru let it all go.
Beams of marble flashed, now white pillars, then they split into pieces and fell to the floor like snow. The little motes landed all across him and faded to nothing. Subaru breathed, nothing inside him but a beating heart. And a heart that was so light. How heavy had that load on his shoulders been? Walking was so easy, everything was so easy now. Not a challenge lay before or within, until he stumbled onto a gray half-elf.
Emilia beamed, waving and calling to him, "Oh, hi Subaaaaru!"
"Emilia," he said, heart twisting and weight returning to his shoulders. Though he didn't pay it any heed, because as the weight returned so did Ram's hand, caressing the small of his back, urging him forward.
"Where'd the -tan go?" tears appeared at the corners of her eyes as a small frost crept up, taking the miniscule strands of carpet and making small-scale glaciers of them.
"Can we talk in your room?" Subaru asked, Ram's voice helped him forward, her soothing insults calling him a slow idiot.
"Of course," Emilia's tears disappeared and she blushed a little as the ice began to subside.
"Thank you," Subaru said, and they went into her room. They sat next to each other on Emilia's bed. And before them there was a window, outside grass fluttered in the wind. It was a sight Subaru had no idea what to make of, but he closed his eyes.
He'd see it again outside.
He looked upon the window again, and they were gone. Now only a brilliant white glowed outside and spread into the room. Subaru turned to Emilia, so many emotions roiled within him that he had no real place to start. His problem was the opposite now, he had too many words, though no idea which ones to say.
The two remained in silence for a little while. Subaru waited for one set of words to win out over the others. So much regret remained in his heart toward Emilia. This girl he'd once felt so much toward. He'd been ignoring the past for too long. He'd brushed aside how he'd used to feel, and it had been keeping him from really knowing Emilia. But now was the time to accept.
Finally the battle within had a victor, he knew what words to use.
"Emilia," Subaru whispered.
"Yes, Subaru?"
"I loved you."
"Loved?" tears welled up in her eyes as the room's temperature plummeted once more. His skin cracked, the moisture within freezing. Suffering descended upon him but he let the fraction of pain remain. He deserved it.
"Yes, loved. I loved you so much. So much that I was willing to die for you, to do anything for you. So much I got both of us hurt…" Subaru whispered, trying to get his emotions out.
The deep well of his heart called, and more feeling bubbled to the surface, "I loved everything about you. Your hair, your eyes, your voice, your kindness, your anger, your annoyance. Every negative, and every positive. I loved it all, so much," he teared up, but the water chilled to ice as the room continued freezing over. He really had loved her.
Emilia was silent, but Subaru continued to speak, "I confessed to you, back under the sunlight. The whale's corpse in the distance, you remember. It was…amazing. You were amazing. I don't regret any of the time I spent loving you, Emilia," Subaru turned to her. Her eyes were a rich lavender, and her hair a gleaming silver. Every part of her was perfect to Subaru's eyes, but somehow not. This Emilia had been hurt by him, broken by him.
"But I didn't believe in you, Emilia, I don't think I ever did," streaks of water now ran down his face, "and I was wrong. I've seen it, so many times, over all these loops in the Sanctuary. All your attempts to become what was needed even when you just want to break down. You're so brave, Emilia, even when the past is trying to destroy you."
"Subaru…?" Emilia's brokenness was on full display now, her irises were empty, and her pupils voids. Subaru wrapped her in a hug. She groaned, digging her nails into his shoulders, then she wept. Emilia pressed herself against him, embracing him, as if to shield herself from her own heart. From the past she was glaciated in.
Subaru put his lips up to her ear, touching a tiny bit and stabbing shock into his mouth. Even with the twisting he still spoke, "You're so strong, Emilia, to even be able to function. I know how scary the past is, it's horrible. And I'm sorry for never believing in you. I doubted you, but you can do anything, as long as you have people around you to help you keep moving forward. You can go as far as you want, as long as people support you…" Subaru's words came to a stop, he had to cry too much.
This was the girl he'd loved, and he'd destroyed her. He'd doubted her when he should have supported her.
Both of them wept and when they finished weeping, after so long, Subaru spoke, "And I didn't support you. I took away your ability to advance, all because I didn't think you could advance. It was so simple. The answer was right there. If I'd supported you then it would have turned out alright. But I didn't see it."
Emilia clung to him, crying into his shoulder all over again. She was a broken child who couldn't move forward. And he'd been a child bent by Echidna's will, his heart in pieces and preventing him from moving forward.
But he'd gone back, and Ram had found him. Her smug smile, her rosy cheeks as he pointed out how hypocritical her insults made her, her cute little grin as she slept, her defiant face as she destroyed Batenkaitos to protect him. Ram had shoved him, forcing him to grow. Emilia just needed a shove of her own.
"I didn't see it, but now I do," Subaru engraved resolve into his heart, "now I'll support you. I will help you stand so you can walk with me and Ram." He held her closer, putting all his old romantic affection into the hug, "Emilia, thank you for helping me take my first steps in this world, and I'm sorry I couldn't help you take your next steps."
Subaru once more accepted. Emilia's crying came to a close, and she faded along with the ice, leaving Subaru with empty arms. A fifth shift occurred in his heart. He wondered what it was, an idle wonder though, he already knew. Sitting on this bed Subaru pondered other things as well. Like the conclusion he'd come to after the battle with Ley. He'd believed he'd find the right answer if he just kept moving forward.
But that was wrong. He couldn't find his way by moving forward, at least alone. If he was moving forward with others then he could ask them the way, maybe one wouldn't know it. Maybe only one would know, but that person was enough to show them all the way.
Subaru opened his eyes and moved on. Beatrice's room surrounded him. The spirit herself was right next to him on his left. Subaru looked over at her.
"Hey Beako," Subaru said.
Beatrice was silent, frozen. He was beating her over the head with a rock.
With a shake of his head, he dispelled the hallucination. But it still remained that he'd killed Beatrice.
Suddenly it reached up, guilt, like a wave climbing over the rocks. Deep within his heart it had bided its time, now it was here, and he'd hesitated for a moment upon seeing Beatrice.
That had been enough. He tried to wall it away with Ram's words, but that wasn't sufficient anymore. Remorse swept away all resistance. He tried to shout out, rail against it, but no attempt at speech yielded any result. Why should he be allowed to talk? Ram wanted him to, right? Yeah…but…no he shouldn't talk…
"Idiot, Barusu."
Subaru forced words from his throat, "Beako, I'm—"
"your they!" his scream of hatred as he beat her to death. Bile tore upward. He gagged and held it back, his apology to Beatrice now a lost hope.
He couldn't apologize, not when he'd just murdered Beatrice. Not when he'd beaten her over the head, killed her. He couldn't pity himself when he'd been the one to bring all this on him. He'd killed Beatrice, no one else had forced his hand. Subaru summoned up the image of Ram smiling at him, but it no longer worked.
What was the point anyway? There was nothing an apology would do for anyone; it was completely disgusting that he believed that. He was horrible. Truly the worst. Not trustworthy in any capacity. But Ram trusted him. Was she wrong? No, she was Ram.
He held his head in his hands. Petra began to form. Her head solidified as the rest of her body remained nebulous. She stood above him, a hole in the side of her head. A bit of her brain leaked from the hole.
"Oh right, I don't deserve to do this." Who did he think he was? Finally, he understood what had been occurring in his heart. He'd been forgiving himself. Forgiving himself! Hah! Did he really think he was someone who deserved forgiveness? Natsuki Subaru? It was a hilarious thought, yet he didn't laugh. It was a truly pitiful thought, yet he offered himself no pity, only hatred. It was a disgusting thought, and he offered himself disgust.
A small whisper came in his head, "Of course you don't deserve to be forgiven. Your only purpose is to fulfill the lives of others, not your own. So get up, and face the past. That way you can be useful to them."
That voice was so familiar, so greedy, it came from deep within. Subaru rejected its words, he couldn't accept the past. Not when he'd murdered Beatrice and Petra. Facing the past? No, he wouldn't. Forgive himself? What would that accomplish? It would just make people rely on him.
But they shouldn't. He shouldn't even trust himself. Though, if that was the case, then how did he know this was the right conclusion? Because…it was. It was the correct natural logical end.
Subaru curled up, seeking his center. He needed to get away from this past. He would regret it forever, he deserved to hate himself for all this, not let it go. But could he make that decision on his own? No. There was no way Natsuki Subaru could believe himself. He needed someone to make the decisions for him.
"Yes, make it to the end of the trials, and you will find one you can trust. Take their hand," that greedy voice whispered. It was familiar, and soothing in a way that made him want to hide. Could he let her strings tie around him once more? No, he shouldn't make that choice. But then why would he trust himself when he wanted to choose Ram.
Ram or her. He couldn't make the decision. No part of himself could be allowed to make that choice. Garfiel, Reinhard, Roswaal and Emilia all began to take shape. Subaru's instincts told him he should never have forgiven himself for what happened. He didn't have the strength to fight them, the strength to say they weren't trustworthy, he just let his mind take over. And it said to let them all form again, to never let go of the past. To regret it till the end of his days.
"Hey Subaru," a new voice came, shattering his trance. But…it wasn't new. Subaru's mind stopped at the sound of that voice, so familiar. He trusted it, but could he believe in himself to accept that voice? It continued, unaware of his doubt, or maybe it was perfectly aware, "Do you think Ram would enjoy watching you beat yourself up?"
"I…"
"Beating you up is her job, right? So why would she want you to take her job?"
"Be silent," the greedy voice cut in, ending their conversation.
But Subaru had already stopped listening. The ache in his heart returned, and once more Subaru surrendered himself to it. He drowned in his heart, and for the second time came to the same understanding. This wasn't drowning, not when Ram was here.
"Ram's…job…" Subaru whispered, "Can I really trust Ram with that job?"
Of course he could, she was Ram after all. But could he have faith in himself to trust her, to accept her? He let himself imagine Ram's response to that.
"Of course you can trust me, I am very cute after all," Ram said.
I guess it's just a little faith.
He'd believe in himself to trust Ram.
Subaru held his arms out to the side and let himself be forgiven. A warm light rose from within him. It washed away Garfiel, Reinhard, Roswaal, Emilia and Petra. Subaru turned to Beatrice, and the light pierced from him, grasping Beatrice as well. Her hair glowed blonde, and her eyes burned blue and pink. The light obscured her facial expression, though it didn't matter. This Beatrice wasn't real.
"Beatrice," Subaru said, "I will find your answer."
Subaru forgave himself for ripping her out of the library, this time he'd do better. Something rose in the back of his mind.
"Hey Beako, I have a question," he offered, "Do you…actually, nevermind. I already know. Just because it's a microsecond doesn't mean a thing."
Through that gleam, Beatrice met his eyes. Subaru rested his hand atop her head, "Goodbye, Beako. I'll bring you out into the world, there are so many memories outside."
In that tiny exchange Subaru had come to a conclusion. And he knew, with all his heart, exactly what Beatrice's answer was.
He blinked, and Beatrice's library disappeared. Now he was sat on a dull chair, with a sleeping girl in front of him. She rested on a bed which hadn't changed in two years. There'd been no need, she'd never once sweated in her sleep. No skin cells had flaked off like they were supposed to and she'd gained no bedsores. Not even age had touched her. The girl there was one outside of time, ripped away from it by the foul Sin Archbishop of Gluttony.
Subaru held back tears, and gripped Rem's hand, "We killed him, Rem. Ley's dead."
His tears slipped over, dripping onto his face, "You were never eaten. I wish I could have woken you up, but I can't anymore," Subaru breathed out, but he held it together, "I love you, Rem. But you're gone. I'll never get to love you.
It was horrible, it sucked, he hated it, and he was crying for it. But it was the truth, "You're gone…my Rem. And I'm sorry…but I think your sister stole my heart this time around.
A tiny bit of humor, and an even smaller amount of hope entered alongside the sense of loss, "I know…p-pretty terrible t-to tell the girl who confessed her undying love to you that you're in love with her sister."
Maybe once he would have laughed at that and hated himself a little more, but now he just cried. He tightened his grip on Rem's hand, "I'll still love you in the present. But I'm sorry, you've been moved positions. I guess I always wanted a sister."
Subaru leaned down and wept into her resting chest. After a second, he turned his head and gazed upon her face. His breath caught, and his heart skipped more than a couple beats. Because there was a flush on Rem's face, and her wonderful breath touched him.
Rem's hand rubbed the back of his hair. Subaru's crying stopped. No tears could come, not at such a pivotal time. Not now while his heart was frozen and his very skin knew the importance of this moment.
"I love you too, my hero," Rem said in that wondrous voice of hers. This was his Rem. In all her beauty. He still loved her so much. His heart ached for this Rem. This Rem he'd shared so much with.
"Rem…"
"I guess you've become even more of a lecher," Rem whispered in a tired, but happy voice, "You love your Rem and want to marry her, but you love the new Rem like a sister."
A brilliant smile glowed upon her face, "It makes Rem so happy, that no matter what, her hero loves her."
"Rem…" Subaru rested his hand on Rem's cheek. Her tears wet his palm.
"You don't have to worry about me anymore, my hero," Rem whispered as she kissed his hand.
"Well…" Subaru didn't want to let go of Rem, "...yeah I don't have to, but can I still worry about you anyway, even if I accept that you're gone?"
Rem giggled, "Who says you can't? You're Rem's hero. If anyone can let go and still remember, then it's you."
Subaru leaned over and pulled Rem to himself, he laid a kiss on her forehead, "Goodbye, Rem, I love you," behind his closed eyes Subaru could perfectly imagine Rem's face. He didn't even need to look.
"I love you too, I always will. Now get up, Rem's hero."
He listened, and got up. Rem wasn't in his arms anymore, so he had nothing to stop him from standing.
When he opened his eyes and let the world come to him, Subaru couldn't help but keep loving that Rem even though she was gone. And yet, it was time, he had to move on now. He brushed his fingers along the bed where Rem had rested for so long. Subaru let a truth sink into his heart: There had been no way for him to protect Rem.
He couldn't have known about Ley, and Return by Death hadn't been able to bring her back. There was nothing he could have done. It was time to stop acting like there had been. Subaru let Rem rest, and turned around. He knew what the final obstacle was.
Ram stood behind him.
As soon as they met eyes, Ram bowed, "Sorry to disturb you, Natsuki Subaru-sama."
In Ram's words, there was an incredible distance. It was a stark contrast to the Ram outside this tomb, his Ram. But Subaru wouldn't be stopped by it. He'd come this far, and nothing would delay him.
Except for himself. Subaru wouldn't let Ram go until she called him Barusu again. He didn't care how long it took, or how many conversations he had to have with this Ram, he'd destroy the worlds of distance between them.
"You're not disturbing anything, Ram," Subaru said in a soft voice.
"Ram can leave if you would like, Subaru-sama," she remained in her bow, perfect maidlike formality exuding from her. Her ice stung more than Emilia's.
Subaru couldn't confront that ice, it hurt, almost as bad as Capella's torture. So he evaded, "I wonder what it was like…"
Ram didn't say anything, she didn't inquire as to what he'd said. She made no indication she'd even heard him.
"To meet someone," he said a little louder, "someone so energetic. So annoying, but in an oddly enjoyable sort of way. Someone you spent two months getting to know. Someone you grew to trust." Subaru began his long question. He didn't know if Ram would listen, if she'd even hear him, or if she'd reject it, but he wouldn't stop. He truly wanted to know what it was like, and he truly wouldn't let Ram go until he'd connected with her again. It was unfair to the others to prioritize Ram, it was unfair to the Ram outside to do this, but…he wanted to do this.
So he continued, "To meet them again, and have them aid you. Someone who helped under all circumstances. Someone you enjoyed insulting, and they didn't mind your insults," Subaru took a step closer to Ram. The emotions running through her were completely indiscernible. Her eyes gave him no clues, nor did her body. She remained stock still, the picture definition of a maid. "Then to meet them once more in a forest you knew well. To see them run into the tomb of the Witch of Greed."
Ram's lip twitched.
"What did you see when they came out?" Subaru asked.
Ram didn't answer. He wasn't going to force her to answer, instead he'd just help her out a little, "Did you see someone you could no longer recognize? A friend who no longer felt like one? Or did it come later, was it someone who forced you to follow Ros' plans?"
Ram didn't give him an answer, but now her eyes were moving, examining him.
"Or…" Subaru finally realized it, and tears came to his eyes.
Oh…that's what happened. Subaru met Ram's eyes.
"Ram," he whispered, "y-you really are so selfless."
Ram's lips turned into a frown.
"Ram…" he said the name with such melancholy it made even Ram's perfect exterior slip. Just for a brief second, long enough for her eyes to twitch, and her jaw to flex.
It ended fast though, and he gazed down at his hands, they were still gray, but he didn't let it get to him. He closed his eyes and dropped to his knees. If he couldn't trust himself, then he'd trust Ram, this person who he loved. This one, the one he loved as the older sister he'd never had. An older sister that wanted to protect him.
"Ram, you didn't fail."
"I don't know what you're referring to, Natsuki Subaru-sama," Ram turned her eyes away, and heaved a deep breath. Just on the edge, it trembled.
"I'm sorry, Ram."
Subaru stood up. There were tiny beads of tears at the corners of her eyes. So small he almost didn't notice. For a moment, he doubted if they were really there, because a moment later they weren't.
Subaru grabbed her hand, and held it up. Their arms formed a line after a moment. A connection, "It was my fault, not yours."
A weight dropped from Subaru's shoulders, and he stood up a little straighter. Ram gave him a look, so full of emotion. Every kind of emotion. There was so much to see that given a hundred million more loops he could never describe all of it.
"Ram, I'm sorry. I won't fail anymore. I'm going to accept that in our last moments together, you despised me. The person who you failed, who then became someone who destroyed your life's goal, and enabled Roswaal to do so much."
Ram's lips worked, she kept her voice cold, but somehow, by some miracle, she wasn't worlds away anymore, "What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to accept that the past occurred as it did, there's nothing I can do to change it now, but I still wish that you wouldn't hate me when I let you go."
"The past cannot be changed," a voice whispered, even though it came from Ram's lips, it wasn't Ram's voice. It was the trial, speaking directly to him, not even Echidna. Just the mixture of his heart and the book of wisdom melding together to create what he saw.
And it was robotic, cold, it said, "Ram hated you. There is nothing to change it. It is the past, nothing affects it."
"I know," Subaru nodded, then he tapped her shoulder, "but this isn't really the past either. So loosen up, eh Ram?"
The trial faded, leaving him and Ram alone in white as the room eroded to nothing around them. A shining brightness bathed them, but Ram's hair eclipsed it. She looked up at him, and shoved his hand off her shoulder. Her face formed a scowl, then a smile, "Stop trying to get me to loosen up. I know you only want to defile me with your wicked fantasies, Barusu."
Subaru reached out again, taking this Ram's hand for the final time,
"Goodbye, Ram."
He let Ram fade. A scowl reigned on her face as her form shimmered with a pink-white light. Within moments, she became just another part of the ceaseless white void around him. That look remained though, chiseled into his memory. Ram had shown him a look of such anger, but it hadn't held a hint of hatred. His older sister faded into memory. But he had Rem, so he hadn't lost his older sister forever, she'd just switched.
"You really are a greedy bastard, Natsuki Subaru," he said. He'd lost his older sister, so he'd fallen in love with her. He'd lost his love, so he'd gained an older sister. Such a warped relationship, and still, he wouldn't change a thing.
Not a single thing.
"I accept it, Echidna," Subaru said. An ache rose in his heart, a feeling that told him to move. There was still one last piece of the past.
Subaru let himself pass to the next place.
The white was gone, replacing it was his old room, the spotless walls kept perfectly clean. An utter lack of any personal items, aside from this morning's suit jacket laid across the bed. A single ray of sunlight poked into the room, the same one that had been there on that day.
The day he'd left all this behind, it was the exact same scene, perfectly recreated. Subaru looked down, a knife pricked into his throat, his arms were pushing it toward his esophagus. In a moment he'd cut his neck open, spill blood all over his wrists, and leave behind all the people he'd tried to help. All the people he hadn't helped at all.
Subaru let the knife pierce his skin, and he knew the depth of his sin. But Ram was here with him, urging him on from his heart, cheering in her own Ram way. His frown disappeared.
"I left them all behind. But who says I have to leave them behind again?"
No one had ever said it but himself, and it was time to stop saying it.
Subaru shoved the knife into his neck… Nothing happened. The cold steel disappeared before it could stab him. Subaru pulled his hands apart, and grabbed the cord around his neck. He ripped the broken amulet off. With the string hanging around his wrist he tipped his hand, letting the jewel fall. It vanished upon hitting the floor.
He took a deep breath, pulled fresh oxygen into his system, then he stood up straight, and his limbs grew so light. Every movement was so easy where before he'd been so sluggish.
As he felt out this newfound freedom, a sentence grated him, "So, you've accepted the past?" Echidna asked. Her skin pale, and her hair pure white.
"Yeah, I accept it," Subaru answered, turning his hands over, more interested in them than her.
Echidna's smile turned genuine and she put her hand up to the sky, "So interesting, Natsuki Subaru."
"Let's just get this over with," he said. He didn't want to spend any real amount of time with Echidna. He'd chosen Ram.
Echidna offered a small pout, "Quite impatient for someone your age, aren't you?"
"Sometimes age teaches you the value of time, no matter how little."
"An apt response, but it's more interesting coming from you, isn't it. You have to remain stuck to be young, interesting…" she trailed off, then shook her head and said, "Very well then. I pronounce this trial a success. You have overcome the first trial of Sanctuary."
"Uhuh," Subaru said, "now let's get on with it."
"Hm?" Echidna tilted her head.
"Let's behold the Unthinkable Present."
Echidna's stare turned predatory as she analyzed him for the fifth time since laying eyes on him, "Yes, let's."
She dropped her hand like a gavel, and the first trial of Sanctuary ended.
The world became that ever-present white once more, then the little hints of gray snuck in. More and more gray mixed, along with dots of black. Soon the world became static. It consumed him not long after that.
Subaru opened his eyes in the tomb, "Ah I have to deal with Echidna, right. Damn, I really should have thought this through better."
He cursed himself for not realizing. When his mind turned silent again, he cast a glance out the hallway where Ram waited outside. He couldn't see her, but he knew she was there. He trusted her to be.
Subaru turned back toward the room's center. His hand shot out, and he grabbed it.
The link formed, vertigo ensued, his own voice came, "Behold the Unthinkable Present."
It was time. Echidna's heart remained utterly still. Her hand full of black veins reached out. She grasped her tomb, and formed a small link.
A woman appeared on the other side of her table. Their dream worlds merged. The other Echidna, the one who was naturally here, now sat opposite her. In a way this was her past self.
"What are you doing?" Echidna asked, her hair white.
"I'm taking control here," Echidna said, her hair black, the greater one. The one with experience and age. She'd witnessed Natsuki Subaru's journey, right alongside him. She'd attained satisfaction for a time, this one hadn't.
"Why?" there was curiosity in the white-haired witch's tone.
Echidna readied herself. But…this one had potential, finally, here was someone who'd fully understand her, given enough time of course, "If I give a satisfactory answer what shall you do?"
"You'll find out."
Echidna smiled, through this she'd gain perspective on her past self. She remembered all of it, but what was it to truly be the Echidna of today?
Her reaction to this would tell so much, she explained herself, "We are full of greed. We've always been. Greed for knowledge. We've always wanted to know. To know only. To have all knowledge within our mind. To leave no stone unturned, no secret unearthed, no process unexplained. I wanted to know the answer to it all. To dive deep and understand. That has been my only desire in life, and then, a boy came to me. Natsuki Subaru."
The other Echidna showed a tiny hint of emotion at the name, she'd met him, sampled his memories. She knew, but Echidna explained it anyway, "Black hair which was cut improperly. A garment of which I'd never seen. Memories that opened doors I didn't expect. The memory of death. A process that existed in the memory of none. To die and remember after you come back, I've not met another with it. And you haven't either, but it was beautiful. To know. And then to experience Return by Death. To see the change within memories as no time at all passed. It was beautiful, satisfying, brilliant, amazing, and we wanted to use it. That gift, to satisfy us."
She paused for a moment, letting the memory rise back to the top, "But some of me wanted to go with the other plan. To become Omega and liberate myself. And yet on that day I decided to not let Minerva intervene, to forge a contract with Natsuki Subaru. Then for thousands of years I prospered, knowing all outcomes. Me and Natsuki Subaru did it over and over again, but eventually we settled into oh so painful monotony. It was so boring. So I cut the contract."
"And then that bitch Satella intervened I assume," Echidna finished, she was still as smart, good.
"But that is not all Satella did."
"Oh?"
"Satella has opened a window."
"What sort of window?"
"One we can use to rekindle our love over and over again. To destroy monotony and create entirely new circumstances."
"Ah…" the Echidna in white was beginning to understand, but the Echidna in black needed to explain this. To see the reaction to it, a plan she'd worked so long on, if she couldn't see at least one person's reaction to it then that would be disappointing.
So she explained, "Satella is incapable of even comprehending the concept of common sense. All her decisions are illogical ill-thought out stupid idiotic misteps. It led to the calamity, but as Natsuki Subaru's world says, even a broken clock is right twice a day."
Calling on the memories she had of Earth, she found an apt description, "Satella fits Albert Einstein's definition of insanity, to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. She will repeat this action," Echidna explained with confidence.
A smile slipped across both of their faces and Echidna put her arms up into the air to proclaim her ambition. A microscopic stream of excitement flitted through her, so much in comparison to the nothing before it. It propelled words from her mouth, "I will recontract with Natsuki Subaru, and then explore all the new scenarios to be gained in this new set of circumstances he has created in my absence. We will explore everything together. Repeating his life a countless number of times. A hundred million. Maybe a hundred and fifty million this time. Again and again and again he will die for brilliant knowledge. We will know all permutations of these circumstances. Then once all becomes boring we will destroy our contract! Burn it. Shatter it. Destroy the pileup. All of it. We will burn it to the ground, to nothing, until there is no contract left. But I will remain embedded deeply within his soul. And he will murder himself one final time. And the wonderful, amazing, beautiful, truly brilliant idiot Satella will bring him back. She will set him all the way back at zero. We will start over from there, creating new circumstances. Imagine it. Natsuki Subaru joining the Priscilla camp instead of the Emilia camp. The Felt camp. The Anastasia camp. The Crusch camp. We'll make it so he never kills the whale. Abandon the Crusch camp to its maw. Then explore to exhaustion and do all of it again. We could have him not join a camp at all. He could become an inventor. Or he could burn Lugunica. Burn Vollachia. Burn Kararagi. Burn—well you can't burn Gusteko, but he'd destroy it. We could do it all. Make Natsuki Subaru a destroyer, or liberator, or villain, or hero, or brilliant man, or despicable man, or we could make him the lustful king. Perfect all relationships, force all to love him. It would be beautiful. To spend eternities creating relationships that are so perfect any not created like that are meaningless. Such a beautiful thought. So fulfilling, lovely. We could spend years influencing Subaru himself. We could make him love himself. We could make him love us like a little sister, or mother, or daughter, or lover, or all at the same time. Or we could even convince him we were like Felix Argyle. It would be wonderful. We could make him want to show us the carnal secrets we haven't experienced yet. We could show him all things. We could learn so much. We could make him feel anything toward anyone we want. A beautiful thing we could put any personality we want onto. A truly blank canvas for us to design as we like. Imagine it. Think about it. Treasure the concept, and the knowledge that we are so close. Think about all the scenarios. Making him murder that half-elf slut. Make him rape and defile her, anything. Make him enslave that Ram. Make him do anything we wish. Kill her sister before her. Or brainwash her and her sister into more than just sisterly love. Think of all the depravity we could make occur. All the things we could see. Think of it all. All the virtues we could bring. Behold it. A Subaru who loves himself and wants to spread that love to others. One who destroys all enemies and creates a beautiful world. One where the slums disappear. One where the three great mabeasts are destroyed. One where Reinhard van Astrea smiles genuinely. One where Ley Batenkaitos can become well-adjusted and redeemed. To create anything we wish. To paint the world in our greed, and to bathe in the result. Do you think we can fix Regulus Corneas through Natsuki Subaru? It would be a wonderful thing to try. So exciting and exhilarating and warm. We can do all we want. And have this world all to ourselves."
Echidna finished. As she pulled in air, she was listless, exhausted from the love within, along with the need for this plan to work. When she had enough air to breathe normally she smiled at her white-haired self. The other Echidna returned the expression and offered her hand, "You've convinced me, truly a wonderful arrangement."
Echidna took Echidna's hand.
The one in white asked a single question as they began to merge, "How do we go about making him doubt his trust in himself? That is, how we can get him to dance for us for eternity."
"I have an idea," Echidna grinned. Echidna nodded, and as their minds became one and she experienced the solution as well.
Their identity melted to one, they were Echidna. They breathed, thought, knew, hungered for knowledge as one. Echidna created a cup of tea, and sipped at the contents. She took hold of her connection to the tomb, her control over the trial. Then she created. She'd need Unthinkable Presents if she was to achieve this. Her work was swift, there were so many possibilities to choose from. And so many suited her criterion. Echidna had him.
"It will be so wonderful just to see his reaction to these, and better still to taste him when he forges a new contract with us." Echidna raised her voice, "Now come and show us yourself, Natsuki Subaru."
She waved her hand, and alternate realities formed. One held a burning city. A hate-filled Sword Saint. A confused half-elf. And a raving mad man who proclaimed himself Sin Archbishop of Pride. One held a lonely fortress, isolated from all. The same Sword Saint. A broken half-elf. A hate-filled oni. And a suspicious man who'd murdered over a hundred thousand, earning the name Purge King. One held the remnants of the man who ran. A country overrun by Witch Cultists. Where all authority had been destroyed, and no one could hold fast against the destruction of all things. An Emilia camp who all lay dead, and a Beast of the End whose ashes lay on the dirt. One held a flooded city. A dead merchant. A frequently used library. A scorpion bent on following orders. And a white-haired man who gave only murder as his orders.
Echidna took another sip of tea, "You really are quite satisfying, Natsuki Subaru."