"Behold the Unthinkable Present."
Subaru opened his eyes. The world burned around him, the inferno's heat forced sweat to bead on the edges of his skin. His ears were hot, both with fire and noise. People screamed as they burnt alive, and houses collapsed under the fire's strain. Determination made his limbs move, though he wasn't the one moving; he was just watching while his body walked.
It was for her, something within told him.
Flaming wood crushed smoldering bodies, bringing the crunch of bones to his ears.
It was for her. That thing inside him offered once more.
Subaru didn't know who his consciousness was referring to, or why it was thinking that. What had he done? Who'd caused this fire? The answers didn't come. He looked down and when he did his sweat slipped down his warm neck. Each inhalation was full of ash, and it invaded his eyes.
Tears dripped down his face. He looked through the water and acquainted himself with the sight of a dead Meili Portoute; she was lying in his arms. Subaru's mind struggled for a response. How had she gotten here? Why had she died? What was happening?
What is this?
He had no clues to help him find an answer, and less hope to discover it.
His body looked up.
Reinhard van Astrea, eyes full of hatred, glared at him.
This isn't from any of my deaths…
He'd only ever seen that look in one situation: when Reinhard had lost everything to blood. Subaru remembered it well, as not all his attempts at driving Felt away had been peaceful.
Reinhard's mouth worked but Subaru couldn't hear any of the words. Subaru's own lips spat back responses. It was an exchange full of hatred which even in the silence he could pick up on.
What had he done? Was this all his fault?
Elsa Granhiert flew into his vision, dropping from the rooftops into the city square. She put herself between him and Reinhard. Her words went his way, yet none reached him. Elsa…he hesitated for a moment then quickly understood. This Subaru had likely paid her to do dirty work for him. He'd done the same. Elsa gave him a smile, and for a single moment it was genuine. Subaru's mind hesitated. But his body nodded and ran.
After a few minutes he found Guiltylowe; his body climbed atop it. When his arms were secure around its neck, Guiltylowe ran. Subaru had no idea where it was running, as he was still only watching in almost complete silence. All that existed was the faint screaming of burning civilians.
Had he caused those screams? No, he couldn't doubt himself, he should trust Ram. He shouldn't judge this. He should just wait to get to Ram before beating himself up. That was her job not his.
After only a few minutes of Guiltylowe carrying him through the burning streets, he came upon a woman.
Her.
His mind thought without warning. Was that…? Could that really be… The silhouette of a gray cat floated above her. Both figures, the woman and the cat were obscured by ash and smoke, but hints of silver flashed through. That was—
A spear of ice burst into existence and blasted across the distance, impaling Guiltylowe. The great mabeast king of the forest kept moving forward, trying to run further, but the effort was futile. Only a few moments after the ice had pierced him Guiltylowe—for the first time in his life—let out a roar and tripped. His hulking body stumbled and slipped toward the ground. Subaru desperately tried to hold on through it all, but Guiltylowe collapsed against the warm stone road, and threw him to the ground. His body flew in the air for a moment then connected with the earth once more. His arm cracked and snapped out of place, but his body made no notice of the pain.
Subaru quickly shoved himself up, rising from the stone. Something greater than any injury propelled him. Sentences jumped from him, one's that were silent to him, just like her responses. That silver hair, it was clear. That was Emilia across from him. That was her.
He strained to hear the conversation, but nothing came… Until it did.
Suddenly words exploded in his psyche, "Everything I'm about to tell you is a crazy person rambling. Please don't remember it."
That was his voice. What was he talking about?
"Huh?" Emilia didn't understand the words either.
Subaru's mind was powerless as his body confessed, "I'm the one who set the Capital on fire."
No, what did you do, Natsuki Subaru? Subaru searched for any reason. Burning down an entire city, it was drastic, horrible, terrible, abhorrent, condemnable, unjustifiable, immoral, abominable, monstrous, eldritch.
A course of action only the worst of the worst would take.
It didn't surprise him that Natsuki Subaru would take it.
"And it's not just the Capital, this fire's meant to burn down the whole country. No one could safeguard against it. That's the nation, and the knights who protect this nation, mishandling the situation."
An entire country, a whole entire country. Subaru wanted to scream. If he could, Subaru would have clawed at his face, ripped away Natsuki Subaru. To stop him from doing this. Why had he done this?
For her.
Oh…that's what you meant, Natsuki Subaru.
Subaru's mind stopped trying to resist, and he let his counterpart's speech pass him by uninterrupted, and unheard. But the final words of this Natsuki Subaru were ones that he couldn't stop. No matter how much he wanted to force them out and shove away.
"Watch me, Emilia. See me, detest me, remember me."
Only a monster would do something like this.
Emilia hesitated for a moment before asking, "Who are you? Who in the world, are you…?"
Subaru spread his arms wide, and stepped forward. He knew so well the words that would come from Subaru's mouth next.
Only an abomination could bring this about.
He was attentive now, and his mouth moved, "My name is Natsuki Subaru."
There was no use thinking of them as different. They weren't.
"Su, baru…"
"Witch Cult Cardinal of Sin, Bishop of Pride, Natsuki Subaru!"
Subaru's mind stopped as he ran forward. He didn't try to prevent this body's last sprint. This last march to death, doing it for the one he loved most. A burning city, a burning nation, ash covering them. The scene was surreal. This was what he'd made. He could only accept it, because he knew this wasn't a lie of the trial, this was a possibility.
It was possible for this to exist, for Natsuki Subaru to race toward Emilia, framed by an inferno of his own making.
He ran with all his might.
Throwing his arms forward, toward Emilia.
Emilia stepped back, stunned. Puck raised his arms up, toward Subaru.
A spear of ice ran him through with all its might.
His breath caught, and his lungs lost strength. Beneath, his legs turned to jelly, giving out under him. Subaru tumbled to the ground, blood splattering everywhere and ice breaking. He stared up at the sky, red with firelight. A face came into his view. It was Emilia, standing above him. From a cautious distance she asked him a final question, "Why?"
Subaru tried to speak, but blood was filling his throat. He coughed the liquid from his mouth and rasped, "I love you."
There was nothing more than that. Both of their hearts ached, but there was nothing more for them here. With his true feelings open to the world Subaru closed his eyes, and his body let go of life. They passed into a land of shadows, and came apart. Their form fuzzed, releasing two men. They stood across from each other in this place.
The other Subaru stared around, his eyes filling with tears as a slow calm entered his limbs, "Ah, I'm done."
Subaru dropped to his knees and looked up at him, "You…why?"
It was an empty question. He already knew and understood exactly why.
But the other didn't seem to care, he looked down at him, apathy in his eyes. He'd accomplished his purpose. So why should he care about someone who'd interrupted his finality with a pointless question? It only made sense when Subaru responded with a great sigh, and a question of his own, "Don't you have someone you love enough to do anything for?"
The finished man had nothing else he wanted to say, so he faded, leaving Subaru kneeling on the shadows, alone. His eyes remained on the ground. He knew his response. It wasn't a no.
"Behold the Unthinkable Present."
Subaru shoved a woman to the side. He hadn't seen them long enough to know who they were. Nor had there been any color to give Subaru any clues. All he'd seen was a moment of gray, then they were gone. Now he was running. Subaru watched idly as screams pursued him, Emilia's.
He tried to turn his body around, to help her, but nothing he did yielded any result. After a moment he relented and all of his attention went into watching. It took him a moment to realize his color was gone. The last Subaru had maintained his sight of color, but this one didn't.
Subaru continued to run—only gray surrounding him—like a man grasping at straws, and this Subaru knew exactly which straw to grasp. He'd stop at nothing to grab it. No one had told Subaru that these were the feelings of this counterpart, but he didn't need that. Every part about this Subaru was familiar. The way his body was weak, sapped of strength by sleep deprivation.
Unlike the last Subaru, he knew this counterpart's desire, and reasoning, intimately:
In a world full of nothing but monochromia, he wanted to die by the hand of one who truly hated him.
From there he could rest and let go of life. So simple, so familiar. Subaru watched as his horribly weak body ran. The desire made so much sense, but he couldn't agree with it anymore. Ram loved him after all. She loved him. She loved him…
Yes, she did. She did. There was no doubt about it. Absolutely no doubt. None. Not at all.
While he repeated his belief, his body arrived in an office. A fast movement of his hand triggered a mechanism, unlocking a secret. A small gap had appeared. He hooked his fingers in and pulled it aside. Behind lay a space hidden and isolated from all but himself and the other.
Chains clinked in the darkness, confirming what this was. He'd kept someone captive here, someone who hated him honestly. He'd taken them and forced them into the dark; he'd shackled, and mistreated them. It was brutal, efficient, and only something Natsuki Subaru was capable of; an insurance policy in two ways: first to hold them so he could die by their hand at any time; second to make sure they still hated him, no matter what.
He stepped toward, hand grazing the rough stone wall at his side. The short corridor widened out into the room, leaving his hand to fall while he ventured further. A tiny bit of light shone from the office window and into the dark. Within, a pair of eyes opened. Metal snapped as the one who hated him turned to the light. Their animosity glowed, and Subaru's body trembled at her gaze.
Red irises full of utter hatred met him, a smile the color of blood crossed their face, and Subaru's mind quieted. Pink hair fluttered in the tiny breeze brought by the room's opening. Quick gasps greeted him. They were sucking in the fresh air, and they let out a groan. If he could, he'd have ripped his front teeth out.
For this was his prisoner: the chained god laid low, Ram.
So it really was possible for him to do even this. To cross every line. Of course he could go to such lengths. He was Natsuki Subaru, after all.
"Finally," her voice broke him from his thoughts, "did you come wanting to die, Barusu?"
Ram…I'm sorry. You love the wrong person.
Subaru's body took slow, shaky steps forward. Excrement and blood, from both torture and menstruation, was stained all over the room. His arms dropped to his sides and he slouched. Without a word, he leaned down and laid on the cold stone.
If Subaru had eyes, he'd be crying. This was the worst possibility. He'd even gone here, torturing Ram, forcing her to live in this. He let out a mental scream, and his heart howled right along with.
He only cried out louder as Ram climbed on top of him. Filth got into his hair as Ram's fingers touched his neck. There was a slow hesitation in her movement. Her eyes were staring down into his, and that same skepticism lay in them. Why in the world was she hesitating? She should kill him. Kill Natsuki Subaru. He stopped screaming, and whispered for his death.
Ram's fingers grazed his neck, and her palms touched his skin. She moved her hands into position with reverence, her smile widening.
"Finally, finally, finally," she whispered, savoring the moment. A grin formed and all her stalling ended. Her grip clamped down and his windpipe closed. Air stopped flowing into him. Ram tightened her fingers, pushing them deeper into his neck. In his mind, Subaru didn't weep. His heart was dry as the truth entered him.
There was no line for Natsuki Subaru.
While gasping for air, life exited his contemporary's body for the final time. Both passed into the same land of shadows. Their bodies separated quickly and they stood across from each other.
"Why didn't you trust Ram?" Subaru asked flatly, "Why did you do that to her?"
The other Subaru pulled up his scarf and analyzed him for a moment, then said, "Wouldn't you do the same?"
Subaru shook his head, the movement was slow and weak, "Not to Ram."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm…" Subaru looked down at his hands, "I'm s-sure."
"Really…at your lowest you wouldn't?" Subaru asked, his expression distant and reserved, "Is that really true?"
"It's. True. I wouldn't do that to Ram."
Subaru continued to observe him, until he looked down and sighed. The man shook his head while mumbling to himself. Subaru didn't pick up on his words, but his other self raised his head and whispered a little louder, enough for him to catch it.
"I thought you'd be different."
"I'm not—"
"You're just another liar, Natsuki Subaru."
The man stared at the ground, dejected, then he pulled the scarf over his head and melded with the shadows. The blackness swirled around him, caressing him. Subaru clasped his hands around his head.
"I-I would never do that to Ram, never."
Maybe if he repeated it enough he'd believe it.
"Behold the Unthinkable Present."
Subaru was a mind floating in the wind, observing. Snow billowed around him and ice rained from the sky. White piled up on the ground, growing to inches within minutes. His mind lay near the center of an indomitable blizzard, but not at the very center. The heart was a little ways on from him, standing above the Mathers mansion. Its form towered into the sky. Two glowing beacons lay on its face, and it bared teeth whiter than the snow. Animosity radiated from it, plunging the entire forest into ice.
All lay dead at its feet.
Ram's frozen form, twisted and bloody with daggers stabbed into her. Rings of dead Witch Cultists were splayed around her. A massive trail of blood had dripped down her head.
He moved away from her body. The scenery shifted as he teleported into the mansion. A new red had stained the carpet. Countless village children lay scattered through the halls, all with gouged out eyes and deep stab wounds.
His mind went further into the home, where two bodies lay. One a sickly twisted corpse wracked by self-harm and insanity. The other body was mangled and broken by daggers and hands unseen. In the hallways and corridors around were a massive contingent of Witch Cultists.
Emilia hadn't gone down without a fight.
So we're finally at the post-death ones, his battered mind noted. Subaru mentally sighed and went out in search of his corpse. Which likely held Rem in its arms.
He scoured for hours, going through everything within a couple kilometer radius.
He hadn't found his body, or Rem's.
The world went black.
Subaru scrambled, trying to find out what was happening, but he hadn't gone to that interim place. This was still the Unthinkable Present…so why was it all black? Where was everything?
"Rem…" his mouth whispered. Shock washed over him, and his eyes opened. Rem's arms were wrapped around his chest. He trembled, trying to keep himself together. But which was trembling? Was it the body, or the mind? Both fit. Rem whispered into his ear, and they stopped quivering.
Except for the carriage's bouncing.
Subaru sat within this mindspace, empty.
Oh…I ran.
Then he watched, as an entire lifetime passed.
A wife named Rem.
A friend named Halibel.
A friend named Zarestia.
A son named Rigel.
A daughter named Spica.
A death surrounded by family.
It all went by so agonizingly slow. When it finally ended, he was staring at himself, aged. His counterpart was hunched over; with white hair against the pure black of this place. Shadows danced around them and his eyes followed, drinking all of them in. He breathed out, content. And though his body was too old for it, he seemed to join the jubilation in his mind. Little lights twinkled in his eyes and he held a shaky hand out to the darkness. His blue yukata stretched and wrinkled while he reached further into the shadows.
The elder's body trembled, not from guilt, not from madness, but from age. Age alone. He didn't seem to hate himself…
Could he really become this sniveling denier of his own faults? Someone who ignored the possibility of what he could become. Someone who could seem so content as he reached out and touched the shadow.
Someone who could seem proud of himself as he whispered, "Ah…your time now, Rigel."
This someone who didn't even notice him and just started to fade.
Subaru couldn't let that happen.
"Wait!" he yelled, reaching out and yanking on the man's clothes. The other Subaru's eyes snapped around, finally noticing him. He moved to speak, but Subaru couldn't let him. He had so many things to say. All more important than anything this coward could offer.
"Why? Why did you leave them all behind?"
It was the only question Subaru's mind could muster for this old man. He clung onto him, waiting for an answer. His older self's wrinkles moved as he opened his mouth, thought passed over his face, etching yet more crevices on, and peace flowed through the man's eyes.
Subaru clung onto his clothing, like a child to his father, "Why…please…tell me why…you're not supposed to leave, but you left…monster."
A scratchy voice, reminiscent of his own, responded, "When you're in a horrible position, with someone you love so close…it's easy to run away with them. Wouldn't you?"
Guilt twinged in his eyes and he continued, "I could go back. I could make everything right, but…I'm just a man."
The coward's eyes took on a misty sheen, "Heroism is for young people, not old men."
"I'm fucking older than you! And you…" Subaru yanked his hand away from the man, "you left them."
And you killed them. But the old man didn't say that.
Instead tears welled up in his eyes and rolled down his wrinkled skin while he said, "Yeah…I did," he looked down at the floor, "but I," he shook his head, "just really can't."
"Why not?"
"Because if I do then what happens to my family?"
Subaru shoved his arms out to the side, "Your fantasy doesn't matter! Your wishes don't mean anything!"
Subaru only looked over at him, then wiped the tears from his eyes, "Goodbye, Natsuki Subaru."
"Coward! You're not me! Not at all. At least the Bishop didn't leave! At least the guy in the scarf didn't leave Ram!"
The other Subaru just faded away.
"YOU'RE NOT ME!"
At least none of the others had run, they hadn't run away. They hadn't been cowards.
The Bishop abandoned and burned everybody, holding Emilia above all else.
But he didn't leave them, he stayed.
The one who had no color left everybody, holding Ram above all else.
But he didn't leave Ram, he stayed.
"Is it better for us to leave and let them die, or stay and kill them all ourselves?"
Subaru froze.
A tiny giggle jumped from his mouth, or was it a wheeze? He couldn't tell. The sound echoed across the void, always coming back. Reverberations built on echoes, the sound rising and growing and twisting. It all came together and he was filled in this land of his own laughter. Or was he crying?
He wiped at his eyes, and fell to the ground; his backside collided with the nothingness below. He gripped his head and continued to laugh. It was hilarious. Truly hysterical. He was stupid. How had he not seen it? What, had he really thought he had the moral high ground? He laughed louder as his arms wrapped around his body. Tears leaked out and he screamed, or was it a louder laugh?
Subaru wept with laughter and laughed with sobs. He had said he was better than that old man.
"HAH! Did I really think that?" he burst out into more cries.
Overcoming his incessant giggling he whispered, "Did you really think you were superior, Natsuki Subaru? To run away and cower while you burn everything down, claiming it's necessary."
He bit on his finger, "To run away and cower while you kill everyone, claiming it's because they're liars?"
Which was he talking about with that? He wheezed, his chest bouncing up and down. Was he talking about the one in this trial, or himself? A cough jumped out in between the sobs and laughs. Then he realized and released a great guffaw.
It was the funniest thing in the world, and it took what seemed like hours for him to calm down. But calm did eventually come, and he was left on the ground, his arms and legs thrown out in random directions, his mind empty, a few tears dripping down his cheeks, and a bit of blood leaking down his throat. Too much laughing, but he was silent now, and that realization lay distinct in his head.
He bit his finger again, drawing blood. Forcing away more laughter, he whispered, "It really doesn't matter. No matter what we do, we're Natsuki Subaru."
"Behold the Unthinkable Present."
The world shifted, changing around Subaru. Color breathed into it and the black faded until it was only a memory. Subaru looked out silently from the corner of his mind. His body was standing above a little girl; he guessed she was in her early teens. The two were alone, shaded by countless trees. Dry grass lay at their feet. He leaned down and she cowered.
"Hey, do you know my name?" his mouth asked.
She said nothing in response to his question. Maybe it wasn't awkwardness as he'd assumed. Her hands clenched and unclenched in the grass. And it was like staring down at someone making the most important decision of their life. As if the fate of their entire being was staked on this response, and she still didn't, or couldn't, respond.
"Hey, do you know my name?" his voice repeated.
The girl's shoulders scrunched up. It was like pressure was shoving her down deeper into the dirt. Her eyes couldn't hold his. Subaru knew the worst was coming.
"Hey. Do. You. Know. My. Name?" the question was punctuated with impatience this time.
The girl seemed to age dozens of years by the time the sentence ended. Subaru could almost pick out wrinkles around her eyes. He tried to get a closer look, but one of his eyes wasn't quite right. He'd just noticed that fog covered his left eye, making it like he was looking through water. The girl trembled and cowered under his clouded gaze. What did he look like to make her this afraid?
Neither him or the alternate Subaru received an answer.
"Hey, do you know my name?" he asked again. It was such an innocent question. Why was the girl so afraid?
Because it's me. Who in their right mind would trust something from him, no matter how simple it seemed?
Though a moment later, to Subaru's shock, hope exploded in the girl's eyes. Recognition washed his surprise away, he knew that look. The last bravery of someone at their lowest. He'd felt it before, or…used to.
His counterpart seemed to sense her hope, and he leaned forward, "Hey, do you know my name?"
Finally, a response came, "N…no…"
Subaru leaned back, gazing around the field behind her, "Is that so?"
The girl stared at him, unflinching, as if saying he was the one who had to choose now. Subaru let out a breath full of emotions he couldn't discern. This Subaru's mannerisms were foreign even to him. Subaru's tongue worked and his mouth opened, "Then it seems your thread is not needed."
With that he turned and walked away, while his feet crunched the grass and the village around him lay in ruin.
Huh, he'd have killed her if she'd given his name.
The world changed, now Subaru stood before a man he didn't recognize, though he reminded him of Otto. He and the man had a conversation which Subaru couldn't understand. Something about the words, they slipped by him. Maybe they weren't important to the trial. So that left him sitting in silence within this mind. He tried to scratch at his arms, to send blood dripping down his skin, but he had no arms to claw.
"Are you speaking like a doctor?" Finally words reached him. They'd been his own.
"Though my patients are earth dragons, livestock, and the likes, I am a doctor. Have you forgotten that too?"
Forgotten?
But his other self seemed to know what the man meant, "Forgotten. Aah, that's right. I've…forgotten?"
"Natsuki-san?" Subaru tilted his head, who was this man?
But his questions didn't stop his body from speaking, "Your village is further ahead right? Have I ever stopped by?"
"Y-yeah, of course. In the past, when there was a bit of an issue, you, my older brother, and that other guy came together…"
So he probably was Otto's brother. But…what did it really matter to him?
The body he was inhabiting had another concept of what mattered, so he said, "I see. Thank you."
Neither spoke for a moment, but Subaru was quick to bridge the gap once more, "The way you…and your older brother talk are very similar."
"Huh?"
"You are quite the good guy. Your brother seems to be a good guy too."
Subaru already knew how poorly this would end.
"Shaula," he said.
Weird, it was the name of a star.
"Present;" a woman's voice answered, "what's up Master?"
Subaru dreaded the next words.
"Don't hurt him."
Oh, was there a small chance he was wrong?
The woman, Shaula, nodded.
Could he trust this one? He seemed different enough. Maybe he'd changed a little.
"I'm sorry."
The apology took both the man he assumed was Otto's brother and himself by surprise. Before either could comprehend the true meaning of those words, the man's head evaporated in a blaze of white.
Nevermind, still Natsuki Subaru.
Subaru retreated deep into his mind and let the trial pass. He ignored everything, until one set of words reached him.
"It's you, Otto."
"Ah?"
"This is a way I devised to make sure I could kill you. Anyone else who dies…well I guess they're just bonuses."
Subaru closed off his senses again. Otto's life came to an end in that same glimmering white light. After a long time, Subaru stood across from a white-haired version of himself. Subaru brought his eyes up, and stared at the man. A smile instantly split the other Subaru's face, "You're…you are…are you, NATSUKI SUBARU?"
"Yeah…" Subaru sighed, "I am."
His other self grinned, "I've been looking for you for so long, you're here. I did so much, killed so many."
The man threw his arms into the air, proclaiming, "I destroyed so many lives and patched them all together, and now you're finally here! NATSUKI SUBARU!"
"What…?" Subaru asked.
The Subaru with white hair stepped forward, his smile not fading even a bit. His arms flailed wildly, "You are him. The superman. The hero. The one who cannot be abated. The one who does not fail. The one who destroys all in his path and saves his friends! AMAZING!"
As the raving went on, Subaru could only describe this other self as mad. No other word fit.
"So will you take my place in the second reunion?" His white-haired counterpart put his hand out.
Subaru shied away from him, "What are you talking about?"
"I've reclaimed you. Now we're going to reset back to the tower. And we'll see them all again. Everything I did will be worth it. But I apologize," Subaru kneeled and bowed his head, "everyone is stuck in a difficult situation."
"You left them…just like all the rest," Subaru's head dropped and he stared at the ground.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not you. And you have to know, there's the Witch Beasts descending on the tower. The Gourmet and Bizzare Eating. And the Scorpion, you need to help her above all others." he froze, his left eye jumping around.
After a moment he bowed lower, "No, you're Natsuki Subaru, you don't need to prioritize. You can get them all to safety! I apologize for doubting."
The white-haired man proclaimed it with such certainty. Every single part of him trusted Natsuki Subaru.
He was truly insane.
Even with his hazy left eye, Subaru kept his hand held out to Subaru, and said, "So take my place. Wait…I need to know one thing first. I'm weak so you need to reassure me of it."
Subaru looked up at him slowly, and whispered, "Of what?"
Subaru dipped his head, and ran his hand through his white hair. He pushed a smile onto his face, "I need to know. Can you save them?"
Subaru's heart went cold. Save…? That word, it was so unfamiliar. How long had it been since he'd used that word? Well, there was the answer to the other Subaru's question. If he couldn't even use the word, then how could he hope to accomplish it? But…Ram was outside, waiting for him. They were all waiting. He had to. Even if he couldn't, he had to. Subaru tried to shove through the contradiction to make his mouth work. His lips strained.
SAY IT!
He had to say those words. They were so simple. He had to return to the present and say that sentence. But he couldn't. No, he couldn't mean them. And a lie didn't let him pass the trial. But even if he failed this trial and went without those words, it would only lead to ruin. He was sure of it. Now that he knew the word save again, he knew. He had to do that instead of just taking on everyone's suffering. For hundreds of thousands of years, he'd been falling short of that simple four letter word.
But if he couldn't even think of it, how could he be trusted to accomplish it? How could he say that to the man who'd murdered so many in this goal of his? He was Natsuki Subaru. He couldn't trust himself. But he had to. The inconsistency held his heart like Satella's hand of shadow. As an ache clawed his chest, the white-haired Subaru's hand twitched, needing a response.
"I…" Subaru tried to give it, but ended up gripping his black hair, and tearing out every knot he found. The violent process continued until strands of black hair lay everywhere at his feet. His teeth ground against each other.
SAY IT! Subaru had to.
Believe the words! He had to trust himself.
Tears welled up in his eyes and his legs trembled. It was all about faith, right? Faith. Just trust himself. That's what he needed to do.
"I…"
He was the same man who'd named himself Sin Archbishop of Pride. He was the same man who'd chained Ram up and kept her in a room of filth and decay so he could use her to die. He was the same man who'd abandoned all those he cared about when the going got tough. He was the same man who'd let murder become a habit.
Could he trust himself to not fall into those traps?
One wrong step and he was proclaiming his love for Ram as he sacrificed anything that wasn't her so she could accomplish what she wanted. One wrong step and he was chaining Ram up in a horrid room and forcing her to choke him to death so he could be free. One wrong step and he was grabbing Ram's hand and abandoning everything but her. One wrong step and he was murdering Ram to get out of a dead end.
They were so likely, because he'd already done them.
He'd wanted to become the Sin Archbishop of Gluttony so Petra could kill him. He'd wanted to force Petra to hate him so he could die. He'd wanted to run away with Petra. He'd used murder to solve the problem of Patrasche's love, then it was his first thought when the Forbidden Library was falling apart.
So many missteps. One's he'd already made. One's he hadn't even seen in here. How many other scenarios were there where Subaru made the wrong decision and turned into any combination of horror and madness? So many were out there.
But… Ram still needed him. Everyone still needed him. He couldn't just not help them.
So, he focused on the trial again. Subaru's hand was still out and ready for him to grab.
Subaru batted his hand to the side and forced words out of his mouth. He would proclaim he wanted to save them and he'd believe it. He'd make himself believe, then he'd go out and help them! Subaru screamed.
"I don't know!"
Surprise yanked on his heart, widening his eyes, "I…oh."
There was nothing more to say, that was it.
"I don't know."
The white-haired Subaru looked down upon him with terror, his jaw dropped and he whispered, "You're not him."
His only response was, "I don't know."
The other Subaru's expression became an empty smile. His hair shifted from white to black and his form melted into that of a woman. A warped and sickly black version of Echidna stared at him. Her face held a small hint of satisfaction.
She asked in a breathy voice, "So you do not reject these unthinkable presents? You do not choose your own? You remain swallowed by possibility?"
"I...don't know, okay!" Subaru cried out. He heaved and sobbed nothing. There were no tears. He didn't vomit. He just melted into a mess of sound and terror on the ground.
"I don't know."
"Ah…"
"I don't know!"
"Well…"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"We could…"
"I don't know…" his voice was quiet now.
"...aid you."
"I don't know," a whimper.
"I don't," a whisper.
"I don't know what to do, okay?" his voice was so quiet even he had to struggle to hear it.
But something deep within didn't struggle to hear it at all. A connection in the back of his mind flared.
"What are you doing?" Hatred entered Echidna's voice.
"Acting, finally," a new voice came.
It was a voice Subaru knew, but one he now barely heard. Could he trust himself enough to believe his senses were correct?
"Curious. Now go back to hiding, the trial must progress," Echidna responded.
"I don't care about your speculations."
"I don't know…"
"These are not just speculations."
"Then it's also not a speculation for me to say that there are other possibilities."
Her only response was, "You're quite inconvenient."
"Yes, but you decided to merge with us to influence Subaru's soul. You may have enough dominance to create these presents, but I am still a part of you. I still hold some level of control over them."
"Ah, so this is your move, after biding your time this long? So you weren't completely broken, just preparing strength."
"Annoying, isn't it?"
"Interesting. But it will not yield results."
"You can't stop me at this point, so let's watch the show."
"Yes, let's watch."
"I don't know…" he whispered again, and caught a glimpse of Echidna staring down at him. There was a tiny bit of annoyance on her face. It was more negativity than she'd ever directed toward him. He didn't get to observe it long as a hammer rang out in his head.
"Behold the Unthinkable Present."
"No. There can't be more…"
But he was Natsuki Subaru, there were always more mistakes he could have made.
A blanket covered him, sweat beaded on his forehead, and his shirt was stuck to his skin. His body had caved the mattress below him in a little. He was laying on a bed…which was weird. He usually preferred a couch. Another oddity were his arms, as they were in a weird position. With his eyes closed he couldn't tell what was going on. Wait…
Could he control his arms?
Subaru flexed his biceps, yes, he could. He possessed sensation. There was still more confirmation needed though. So he flexed his fingers. When he did, they dug into a soft material, like cloth. Beneath the cloth was a sliding surface. He had no idea what it was. But it didn't matter. Focusing back on assuring his bodily control Subaru ran through his normal ritual. Flex his fingers. Shrug his shoulders. Lock his knees. Breathe in deeply and let out a little groan, "Aughaha."
His lungs worked. He was in control, and alive. Where was the other Subaru who should be in control? Nothing gave his question an answer. Maybe he was making a mistake by thinking he was in control. He tried to bring his hands up to his chin to think, but he accidentally squeezed that same softness. It was a small object, but he couldn't see it as he'd still yet to open his eyes. He had no idea why they were still closed. Was it because he didn't trust his own sight? Or another reason? Whatever the reason, his thinking was interrupted.
"Stop squeezing Betty, I suppose."
Subaru's eyes snapped open. Beatrice was wrapped in his arms. His hearing hadn't deceived him. Her hair was still in the same drills and her clothing hadn't changed at all. But her expression…it was…so different. Her frown, it was wrong. It was so wrong.
Her frown wasn't genuine.
Subaru stared at her while she shielded herself from the sun with a hand. Her fake frown turned into a fake scowl, "Betty should force you to close those blinds, I suppose."
Her words broke his trance, finally he asked, "Beatrice, what happened?"
"Leave it up to Betty's Subaru to ask the most useless question imaginable, in fact," Beatrice said.
"Did you…" he couldn't believe it. It made no sense, none at all. In all his life, he'd never heard it.
"Did you just say my name?"
Beatrice stared at him and joked, "What's wrong, did you lose your memories, I suppose? Honestly such a useless contractor you are, in fact."
"Contractor…what the… I…I'm not your Subaru," he said as he sat up and brought Beatrice along with him. She distanced herself from him a little, but to get a better view of him, not because he scared her.
Then she grabbed him. He braced for his mana to be ripped out, but all that happened was a connection formed in his chest. No, not formed, but a connection he hadn't noticed coming to his attention. Subaru felt at his mind, there lay a massive contract, one he shared with Beatrice.
He shuddered, "What did he say to you?"
Beatrice took her hand off his chest and said, "For all physical purposes you are Betty's useless contractor… but your emotions are different, I suppose."
"I know," he responded. It only made sense for his emotions to be wrong.
"Hm, you lost your memories, haven't you?" Beatrice tilted her head, but there was no hostility in her voice or gaze.
"No, I'm just from another timeline."
Beatrice gave him a skeptic look, which soon melted away, "Okay, in fact. How do we get you back to your timeline?"
Subaru let his head drop, "I'm sorry, but I don't know. Why does no one get it?"
"Hmph, what kind of inane question is that, I suppose?"
"Why does no one get…that I just don't know."
"Betty assumes you're Natsuki Subaru."
He nodded.
She crossed her arms, "Then you are the same man who knew what to say to Betty."
Subaru looked up, "What?"
"You knew how to get Betty out of the library," Beatrice pouted, as if she'd been forced to eat an onion like an apple.
"How did he figure that out?"
Beatrice shrugged, "You truly are an idiot, in fact."
Subaru grabbed Beatrice's palm. With the connection between them he knew that she trusted him. In return he could trust her. But maybe he was misreading her emotions toward him… No, Subaru would push forward, he would find out how this Natsuki Subaru had failed, and then he could let himself never trust Natsuki Subaru again. He would again be able to say he didn't know with honesty.
"Beako."
Beatrice's beautiful butterfly-shaped irises remained on his, there was so much love in her eyes. Subaru needed to see, "Can you help me figure out how I got you out of the library?"
"I already told you."
"But how did I get to that point?"
"Hmph." Beatrice scowled, "Fine. I'll help you, I suppose. Your requests are just as stupid as Betty's Subaru's."
So they were the same. Then this happiness from Beatrice was likely a lie, but he couldn't say that. He just wanted to play along, "Thanks Beako. Do you have any ideas?"
"Let's go ask someone who was at Sanctuary with you, I suppose."
"Sanctuary?" Subaru stopped, maybe he should get a better idea of this timeline, "Can you tell me what happened at Sanctuary?"
Beatrice quickly explained to him everything this timeline's Subaru had told her about his time at Sanctuary. All of it was likely some lie or trick. This world's Subaru was probably manipulating Beatrice.
But what if this was real…?
"What changed everything this time?" Subaru wondered aloud—continuing to play along—when she finished. Beatrice gave him an odd look, but didn't say anything. Subaru didn't follow up on his question. Instead, he got down from the bed and stepped out into the hallway. When he made it outside the room, a young girl walked by.
Petra nodded to him with a smile, "Good morning, Subaru-sama."
"Petra…" he whispered. There was no troubled look on her face. That was a genuine smile. What was this timeline?
"Subaru?" Petra turned to him. Her face reddened; she'd forgotten her maidly duties for a second.
Subaru didn't mention it, he had a more important question, "Were you what changed everything?"
Petra tilted her head. The vagueness of it left her with questions of her own. But he asked another before she could say anything, "Were you there with me at Sanctuary?"
"Are you alright, Subaru?" she asked instead of answering. Petra tried moving toward him.
"Betty's idiot contractor has forgotten a few things, in fact," Beatrice added, not giving the true reason.
"Oh." Dejection entered Petra's voice.
"It's alright Petra, I just need to figure out what changed, but you weren't with me at Sanctuary?"
Petra shook her head.
"Ah," Subaru whispered, "then you can get back to work. We don't want Ram getting mad at you for my mistake."
He turned around and kept walking through the corridor in search of the answer. Petra went back to her duties while Beatrice followed behind. Had something truly gone different? What had changed? What was it that allowed him to bring Beatrice out of the Forbidden Library? Was it dumb luck that his untrustworthy self had managed to do something right? Given infinite variations on the timeline, was it possible? With so many different chances it probably was. But how had he kept everything right after Sanctuary?
"Beako, have I ever been to Priestella?"
"Not that you've told Betty, I suppose."
So maybe he just hadn't had the chance to make any mistakes there. Had he just been coasting off his one good course of action in Sanctuary? As he pondered the question, sunlight poured into the hallway. And he realized something about this Subaru. He had color. It was so hard to tell when he had color and when he didn't. From the perspective of this body color felt natural. Yet the rays streaming in through the windows were still beautiful. They brought Subaru's legs to a stop and made him turn toward the glass. He peered outside.
The sun's brilliance shone across a field of yellow flowers in the Miload Gardens. Frederica was outside, tending to them. Her golden hair glowed in the sun, and there was a smile on her face. It was a strange expression. He usually never witnessed Frederica's smile as she'd never had a reason to in his timeline. What had this Subaru done to change that? An arm landed on his shoulder, Subaru turned. Striking blonde hair, shining in the warm light of the sun met him, along with rich green eyes and white teeth. A smile had revealed the teeth, not a growl.
"Th'fuck you doin' starin' at flowers, Cap'n?" Garfiel asked him. There was no hostility in the question. No remark that he was insane. No poorly disguised insult. No attempt at a punch which was only stopped by Reinhard's perfectly timed hand. And the grin, it was real, so real.
"Garfiel…?" Confusion lay in Subaru's voice.
"You drunk, Cap'n? Don't tell me Brot—"
"Betty's Subaru is not drunk," Beatrice said.
"Hm?" Garfiel turned and looked down at her.
"He's lost. He basically lost some of his memory," Beatrice let out. Her voice was heavy, as if reality was beginning to sink in. Though she still didn't give Garfiel the truth, and he understood. Memory loss was a far more palatable explanation.
"Cap'n?" Garfiel turned back to him, "what…do you remember?"
Subaru reached over and scratched his arm, digging a nail into the skin, "The most I know about you is that we met briefly when I first arrived at Sanctuary, I think. Then…I don't know what happened between here and there."
"Oh…" Garfiel's head dropped.
"But I need some help, Garfiel," Subaru said. Could he trust Garfiel? Maybe this one, still unsoured by Natsuki Subaru's untrustworthiness and boundless mistakes, could be trusted.
"What do you need, Cap'n?" Garfiel pushed the smile back onto his face.
"How did I get you to come out of Sanctuary?" Subaru asked. It was the first question he had. Everytime Subaru ever suggested leaving Sanctuary, Garfiel denied him.
"You punched my amazin' self in th'face," Garfiel said then laughed, "yelled some stuff about the power of numbers too."
"Huh…" Subaru leaned down on the windowsill as his sight trailed the outskirts of the Miload Garden, "who else was there?"
"Emilia-sama," Garfiel said. There wasn't any mockery or hatred in the way he said her name. Subaru's palms held onto the smooth wood of the window's edge, and his fingers wrapped around.
Should he remain with Garfiel and ask him more questions, or did he let Garfiel get on with his day and go talk to Emilia instead? Subaru didn't let himself deliberate, the longer he thought the less sound his decision would become, so he forced a choice, "Thanks. Bye, Garfiel."
"Aight, see ya, Cap'n," Garfiel slammed his fist into Subaru's back and went on his way. Subaru kept his eyes on him as Garfiel raced down the corridor.
"Where's he going?" he asked.
"Roswaal got some new books in, I suppose," Beatrice answered.
"Huh," Subaru grunted then headed the opposite direction, toward Emilia's room. Beatrice followed without him even asking. He could trust Beatrice. The contract made sure of that, right?
It was better not to think about it. Subaru focused on getting to Emilia. As he walked, the mansion melted and the textures slid along, almost as if he couldn't connect with them. This timeline was foreign. He shouldn't be here. A minute slipped by in a second. He was losing his grip on time, but he couldn't force himself to view the world slower. So without even a fight, Subaru's age began turning on his mind.
Until Beatrice reached up, and put her hand in his.
Subaru gripped tight, her fingers within his palm returned time back to its normal pace. Minutes became minutes again, and he could notice the seconds passing, instead of them just slipping by. The texture of the walls and their paints grew apparent to him. The world slid back into focus.
He sighed, and finally viewed his surroundings. This mansion didn't have the air of despair the old one had. What stroke of luck had brought this timeline's Subaru to this? Was the misery just better hidden? Beneath the surface, was everyone here unhappy? Did they all secretly hate him? Beatrice's hand tightened and he looked down at her. There was concern on her face, yet she still showed him a smile.
"Thank you, Beako," he whispered. Maybe this Subaru had just done something right. But it was impossible to trust him. Not without even knowing how he'd done any of this. He'd seen the effects of whatever decision he'd made, but the root cause remained obscured. What was it?
"Hey, Beako, what did I tell you?"
"For what?"
"What did I tell you to get you to come out?"
"To choose you, I suppose," Beatrice said.
"I don't know what that means…"
Beatrice smiled, "Betty does."
She didn't offer more. Subaru wanted to scream at her, to rip the answer from her lips, but there was nothing he could do. He remembered, he'd said those words to Beatrice once. To choose him. But it hadn't worked. How had this Subaru done it right?
"You told him you'd outlive him, didn't you?" Subaru asked, "What did he say?"
"Betty's Subaru said that I would. And that for me he would only last for a microsecond, but he'd carve that microsecond into Betty, I suppose. He'd make it Natsuki Subaru's microsecond, in fact," Beatrice answered.
"A microsecond," he whispered. Subaru liked that response, but for some reason he knew that it didn't fit his Beatrice. A part of him already understood what his Beatrice needed. But that piece couldn't be trusted. This Natsuki Subaru had done something right on accident, he couldn't rely on himself to have the same luck. It was false hope. He'd put as much hope as he could in Ram, but in Natsuki Subaru…hope was a fool's errand.
Beatrice and Subaru turned the corner, entering the corridor that led to Emilia's room. Subaru's breath hitched. Ram was right there, dusting a vase stand. Her pink hair was refreshing. Until dread reached up and grabbed him. Would this be the place where Natsuki Subaru had gone wrong? Would Ram be worlds away from him, would she be coldly kind to him? Different scenarios sprung up in his head. Each one was full of kind words, but no kindness ever spoken. Subaru's frown deepened as they continued.
Their footsteps weren't what could be called quiet, so Ram turned to look at them immediately. Subaru kept walking with Beatrice's hand in his own. Only a few more steps till they got to Ram, who had no expression on her face. There was a bit of tiredness in the way Ram moved, but that was normal for her.
"Hey…Ram," Subaru said as he stopped walking. He was within arm's reach of her.
For a second the silence was painful, until Ram yawned, "Aaah, stop being so unbearably lazy and dust this entire corridor so I don't have to."
Subaru didn't know what to say, but Ram did, she thrust the duster into his hand, "Get to work, idiot Barusu."
Stunned, he followed her order. He held the brush she'd given him and leaned over, beginning to clear off one of the windowsills. His frown lessened a bit and he said, "Hey, Ram. Do you trust me?"
"Hah," Ram put a smug look on her face, "why would I trust someone like you with anything other than timing?"
"Timing?"
"It is bothersome, but even I must admit you are a man of good timing," Ram said.
"Oh…" Subaru went back to focusing on his work. This Ram trusted him. There was no other possible way to interpret her words, but…could he have faith himself to come to that conclusion?
"How did I succeed at Sanctuary?" he had to know.
"Like you could succeed," Ram said, "you alone did not succeed at anything."
Before he could ask her to elaborate, Emilia's door burst open and she quickly gauged the situation.
"Ram-san, are you forcing Subaru to do your job?"
"No. I didn't threaten his life," Ram answered, "yet…"
"That's not nice. Apologize, Ram-san," Emilia ordered.
"Don't worry, Emilia. It's fine," Subaru said.
Emilia and Ram both stared at him. Silence hung over them for a moment. What had he done?
"Are you alright, Subaru?" Emilia asked.
Beatrice shook her head, "Betty's idiot contractor has lost some of his memories."
Ram and Emilia were both quiet while Subaru tried to figure out what had happened.
"Subaru," Emilia's eyes bored into him and she started reaching over, "are you alright?"
"What did I say?" he asked.
"You're always using that idiotic -tan," Ram answered, then she froze, but his mind was already moving on.
Subaru's lips dropped.
You still love her, don't you, Natsuki Subaru.
He turned to Emilia and said, "I need to find something."
"What do you need?" Emilia asked.
"I need to know how I kept Sanctuary from being destroyed," he said.
"I can explain that," Emilia offered.
"What allowed it though, what was at the center?"
Emilia smiled, "Oh! I can explain that too."
"You can?"
"Barusu," Ram's word came with power. She trampled over Emilia's response without care.
"Ram?" he said.
She stepped up to him, then grabbed his chest, "Tell me that you remember Rem."
"Oh…you don't remember Rem…" So it really was only one lucky action. Natsuki Subaru hadn't done it all correctly. He'd just lucked out at Sanctuary.
Ram shook her head as her eyes bored into him while her grip tightened on his collar. Her jaw flexed and she held back tears.
"Can I go see her?" Subaru asked.
"Tell me you remember her," Ram demanded. It was already so clear, she already knew, but even Ram couldn't stay strong forever. She couldn't always be perfectly rational, even she needed a tiny bit of reassurance.
Subaru stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Ram. She didn't resist at all, she just buried her face in his chest and tried to hold back. He stroked her hair, "Don't worry, Ram. I remember Rem."
Ram's breath pushed into his chest, heavy from the strain on her heart, "How much do you remember of us?"
Subaru's frown eased a tiny bit more, "It's alright. I remember you too."
Two little spots on his chest grew wet.
A moment later, Ram composed herself, wiping her nose on his shirt and pulling away. She blushed a bit and told him where Rem was.
"Thank you," he nodded, holding his hand on her shoulder for a moment. Ram's head dropped to the floor, but he had to go, to see. As his slow walk to Rem's room began Beatrice followed. He turned and put his hand out, "Let me see this for myself, Beako."
Her butterfly eyes dropped to the floor, "Fine, I suppose."
"Thank you," he whispered, then strode away and turned the corner. All the way to that turn, he felt Emilia's concern on his back. But it was foreign. That hadn't been the doll he'd known for so long. And it wasn't the Emilia back outside this tomb. That was Emilia, the woman.
"Did you find a way to help her pass the trials too?" Subaru asked.
That couldn't just be luck…right? Well…he'd find out before he left. But first, he'd visit Rem. No one bothered him while he walked there, and he arrived in Rem's room without even having seen another soul. Alone, he sat down in a chair next to the bed. A tiny part of him expected her to wake. The other parts just desired it. Maybe Natsuki Subaru had done it and kept Rem safe. It could have been Rem and Ram playing a practical joke…
But no matter how long he waited, Rem would not wake. She was asleep. After almost an hour Subaru lost heart. So I guess you really are the same, Natsuki Subaru, just a bit luckier.
There was nothing to say to the sleeping girl. So he stood up from the chair and walked out into the hallway again. With a deep breath he held back his tears and set off to where he'd left Beatrice.
"Oh…" A voice came from behind. Subaru's eyes widened as the voice finished, "How is she, Natsuki-san?"
"Otto…" Subaru turned and looked at him. Otto's face held a slight smile. His clothes were well kept and the feather in his hat was all the same. He looked exactly as Subaru would expect Otto too.
Otto noticed his staring, "Natsuki-san?"
"Hm," What was he supposed to say? He just went with the first thing that came, "Uh…right. Rem's doing fine. She's still asleep. No change…as always."
"Don't lose hope. We'll find Gluttony eventually," Otto said.
"Yeah," Subaru let out.
Yet there was a question he needed to ask Otto, but he had no idea how to broach it. His brain started deliberating how to ask it, so Subaru immediately shoved the question out, "Otto, how did I defeat Sanctuary?"
Otto tilted his head, "Why do you need an explanation on that?"
"Not really feeling right, and my memory's off. Can you remind me?"
"Of course."
"Thanks."
Otto shrugged, "I don't know how you'd forget but it's pretty simple. You defeated Sanctuary by asking for my help."
"Oh, so I guess he lucked out enough to choose the right option."
Otto's expression turned bewildered, "What do you mean, Natsuki-san?"
"Is that really what happened, I just guessed? How am I supposed to trust that?" He shook his head at the absurdity. Had this Subaru really just staked the future of everyone on guesswork? He really couldn't have any faith in himself.
But Otto saw it differently, he grinned at Subaru's words then let out his own, "Guessed?" Otto threw back his head and laughed, it was like he'd heard the funniest joke in the world. He held his chest and teetered forward, on the edge of falling. Subaru stared at him, why was this so funny to him? Well…he supposed his pathetic attempts to resist the nature of Natsuki Subaru could be funny. It took a long time for Otto to stop giggling at his attempt.
When he finished he waved his hand and said, "Sorry Natsuki-san, it's just your memory really is off. And I told it wrong, technically you didn't ask for my help, well not at first."
"What…" Subaru whispered. Was there more than guessing? What was it? What silver bullet had his other self found?
Otto's smile got a little wider and strength rushed through the merchant. The sight made Otto seem like an unshakeable tree. Otto made a fist, and with confidence he said, "First I had to convince you to stop putting on a tough act for your friends."
"H-how…what did you do?"
"I punched you in the face."
"Oh…"
"And then I beat you up until you stopped playing tough and told me what was wrong."
What…Subaru had just trusted him after a couple punches? That easily? But how had Natsuki Subaru made the right decision? Again, he was at the same conclusion. A good guess. Otherwise it made no sense. After all, there was so much variation in each scenario. What if you trusted the wrong person with the wrong information? Or even what if you gave the right person the wrong knowledge? How did Natsuki Subaru ensure success, and how could he trust himself to make that decision?
There was no logical thinking there, it was all random. Ram's fate in his timeline rested on chance…chance.
"You aren't my Natsuki-san, are you?" Otto asked.
Subaru shook his head.
"You're still a Natsuki-san though, aren't you?" Otto asked another question.
This time Subaru nodded, "Yeah…" he sighed, "still Natsuki Subaru."
"Would you call me a friend?" Otto gave a third question.
Subaru backed away from him, "I don't know. Why doesn't anyone understand that?"
"Because you're putting up a tough act. You won't let anyone understand," Otto's response wasn't hindered by hesitation, "If I could see what you didn't understand then I could help. And actually now I see one thing you don't know, so here's the answer: Natsuki-san, I still view you as a friend, so it doesn't matter how you see me."
"But…I…" he couldn't make that confession. He couldn't. No. He couldn't tell Otto what had happened, "I—"
"So, Natsuki-san," Otto interrupted him, then bounced on the balls of his feet and slammed his fist into Subaru's cheek. Subaru's world blasted to the side and his body fell back to the ground. The man, glowing with a green merchant's outfit and fury stood above him, with a fist ready to fight.
"Stop putting up a tough act."
"How?" his voice broke, "W-What tough act? What do you want me to say?"
"Well first," Otto said, "tell me what it is you don't know."
Subaru sat up, "Everything. Everything…I don't know a single thing. All of it…" he teared up, "it's all beyond me…why? Why can't I figure it out…I want to figure it out. But I don't know."
Subaru stared up at him, "Please, I don't know anything."
Otto gazed down at him.
"I don't know, okay. I. Don't. Know."
Otto remained silent.
Subaru forced the tears to stay back as he reached toward Otto with trembling hands, "OTTO I DON'T KNOW!"
Otto grimaced, "You do. Stop putting on a tough act. Tell me exactly what you want to know, but don't."
Subaru pushed himself up from the floor, "Fine. I don't know who to trust. How am I supposed to decide who to trust, and what to tell them?"
His words came faster with each question, "And how do I know I can trust them? And how can I trust myself to make the right choices? One slip up and everything'll fall apart. It doesn't work like that, I can't just guess. I can't rely on luck. If I do then I'm betting it all on chance and…"
He ran out of breath, but quickly sucked in as much air as he could, and tossed out more words, "I don't know. I just have no idea. I don't know where to start. I don't have the slightest clue! What do I do, Otto?"
Subaru reached forward and grabbed Otto by the collar. His breaths were heavy and his mind was racing. Every synapse tried to provide an answer, and each failed. "OTTO!" he shook the merchant, "I don't know what to do! What the FUCK do I do!?"
Otto slowly raised his arms out to the side, then shrugged.
Subaru stared at him, "What the fuck does that mean!?"
Otto gave a reassuring smile, "It means, that I don't know either."
Subaru shook his head, "But—"
Otto interrupted him with a hand on his shoulder, "Natsuki-san."
Subaru wanted to speak, but the determination on Otto's face destroyed any thought that came into his mind. When Otto spoke, Subaru listened, "You need to grow up. There is no perfect answer to those questions that I or anyone else can give you. You're looking for something that does not exist."
Subaru stared at his shoes—tears dripping down onto the floor—he leaned on Otto, and grasped at his shirt, "But I just want to know. I want to know who to trust. I want to know that I can be sure of my trust in someone…is that really so bad? Am I sinning so much in wanting to know if I can trust someone? Is that really too selfish of me…? I just want to know…why is that so evil? Why do I have to get punished for it…? Why is it so horrible and selfish to want to know?"
Otto grabbed his chin, and lifted it up, their eyes met, "None of that is selfish at all. But you can't know if you can fully trust someone. You're looking for something that is not real."
"But why can't I just be sure I can trust something? I just want to know I can trust myself…or Ram, or you, or Emilia."
"I'm sorry, but it's impossible."
"Why?" Like a five year old, new to the world, Subaru could only ask why.
"Because it's trust," Otto's smile was soft along with his voice.
"What does that even MEAN?" Subaru demanded.
"Trust is just having faith in someone. You can never be sure someone won't betray you. You can never be sure you're making the right decision. You just have to have faith. You have to trust."
"WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY?"
Otto shrugged once more, "Because it is. And there's nothing more to it than that."
Subaru trembled and tried to cower, he held up his arms to shield himself from the world.
"Why does it have to be so unfair…why do we always have to be uncertain alone?"
"You could look at it that way, but I don't think that's the right way to see it," Otto said, his eyes seeing something Subaru couldn't.
But he wanted to know what Otto saw, "Then what's the right way?"
"Well no matter what you'll never be sure you can trust yourself, so you might as well trust others along the way. What's a little more uncertainty in a world that's already so uncertain?"
"A little more uncertainty…?" What could a little more uncertainty bring him?
Otto grinned, and laughed, "At least you won't be uncertain alone."
"I won't be uncertain alone…?" Subaru whispered the words. Really, what would a little more uncertainty bring him?
"No, you'll be uncertain with your friends."
"But I'll still be uncertain."
"Of course you will, but wouldn't you rather spend that uncertainty with the people you care about?"
"I…"
If he trusted Otto then he could either gain a lifelong friend, or things would just go back to him being uncertain alone. Snot filled his nose.
"I think…"
If he trusted Rem then he could either gain a sister, or things would just go back to him being uncertain alone. Tears poured down his face.
"Can I really?"
If he trusted Emilia then he could either gain another lifelong friend, or things would go back to him being uncertain alone. He dropped to the floor and rocked back and forth.
"Do I really not have to be alone?"
If he trusted Ram then he could gain the love of his life. To enjoy spending as much time as he could with her. Maybe they could make that dream, Vega, a reality. Or things would go back to him being uncertain alone.
For the first time in his entire memory, Subaru saw.
"Yeah. I really don't have to be alone," he whispered as he glimpsed it. Water rose in his eyes.
For an instant, he almost laughed, but it was just out of reach, so he wept, and wept, and wept. Tears poured down his face. Snot dripped down from his nose, was he really crying again? He did it so often these days. What was he, a baby?
Maybe that wasn't far off. He had been a child.
So many faces smiled at him from his mind. Would being uncertain while surrounded by those you love and those who love you really be so bad? And what was he risking? A return back to this miserable existence? Well if this was all that was on the line…
Subaru was willing to risk it.
He cried for a little while longer. These were the tears he'd greet the world with. The last tears of a baby, earned from the remnants of a mindset that made village children look like sages. Subaru wiped them away and—with a limber body—he stood up before Otto. His heart was empty, a good empty. Quiet, tranquil. Ram was there, everyone was there. Actually, his entire body was empty. It was as if he was made of only air; only a thin layer of skin separated his heart from the outside world. He was completely exposed. Otto grinned at him, sensing the change.
He bowed to Otto, "Thank you."
Otto beamed, "No problem."
That was all they needed to say.
The entire world shifted to black and melted away into shadows. Otto vanished, but his smile remained in Subaru's heart. In Otto's place a boy in a tracksuit appeared. Contentment on his face, this was a Subaru who'd trusted, who'd accepted, who'd won and made connections that would last longer than any torment.
The boy parted his lips and spoke, "So how'd you like that timeline? I'll admit, I had no part in making it happen. It was all Otto, Emilia, Ram, and Beako."
"You did amazing," Subaru said, "and I get it now."
"Get what?"
He'd been so blind, so close to the truth, yet he hadn't grasped it.
"The Sin Archbishop, the one with no color, the old man, the one who let murder become a habit," he looked up, "you, me…we're all Natsuki Subaru, all the exact same."
The other Subaru just tilted his head, trying to discern his meaning.
Subaru held his arms out to the side, and gazed at the truth, "We're all Natsuki Subaru, we really are…the only thing that's different is those around us."
Both thought on it for a little while, and then the man in his tracksuit said, "Yeah, everyone around us is pretty great."
"And you brought them all together," Subaru whispered. So this was sight, to look beyond himself.
Maybe you aren't so bad, Natsuki Subaru.
"Huh…anyway, how are you gonna do back in your timeline?" Subaru asked.
At those words, Ram's warm scowl burst into his mind. Her hand touched his back, shoving him forward. Energy burst forth from within, rushing through from somewhere unknown. No, not unknown.
This was him, and he yelled, "Sorry, but your question is awaiting an answer due to the backlog I've built up!"
Had those words really come from his mouth? He couldn't believe the emotions flowing through him, was that…joy? How could his heart possess this much humanity? He had no idea, so much uncertainty accompanied this burst of passion, and his only response to it was:
So what.
Four other Subaru's burst into existence. Subaru turned to the left, where the one who'd declared himself the Sin Archbishop of Pride stood. That Subaru's lips worked and he tossed out a question, "Don't you have someone you love enough to do anything for?"
"Yep, her name's Ram! I'd do anything for her," Subaru proclaimed. But Ram wasn't the only one he'd do anything for, he'd do anything for Rem, for Emilia, for Otto, and one day for Garfiel. And they wouldn't want him to burn a city. The possibility of him making a mistake was always there, but they'd always be there as well, to reel him back.
It was so simple.
He turned to the one with a scarf around his neck. As soon as Subaru pointed at him he spoke, "How can you trust Ram if you can't even trust yourself?"
Without a care for logic or validation Subaru shouted out his conviction, "Because Ram trusts me, and since I trust her, I trust myself."
Subaru turned to the old man in a blue yukata. That Subaru's question came at him, "When you're in a horrible position, with someone you love so close…it's easy to run away with them. Wouldn't you?"
His voice rang out over this realm, confidence and hope rushing through it, "Nope, Next!"
Subaru pointed back at the self-proclaimed bishop again. He was doing these completely out of order and he didn't care at all. A question from the Bishop's present rang out, it was from a voice so familiar, but not his own. Emilia flashed into existence to ask, "'Who are you? Who in the world, are you…?"
He knew exactly who he was now, "I'm a greedy child! Loved by Ram, trusted by Rem, temporarily doubted by Emilia, cared for by Otto, temporarily hated by Garfiel! I am Natsuki Subaru!"
His finger jumped to the one in the scarf, and Ram faded into view, her voice assailed him, "Finally, did you come wanting to die, Barusu?"
"Nope! I ain't letting you forget when you used my real name to confess your love!"
And finally he understood what all this energy flowing through him was. It was the excitement of finally knowing the world. In this state he grasped another concept, this intensity would fade, maybe within even a few minutes. But it was here now. Time to take advantage. He pointed to his successful counterpart, "Finally getting to your question."
The other Subaru smiled and asked, "How are you gonna do back in your timeline?"
Resolve overtook Subaru, and with the will forged by one hundred million loops, and his battle with Ley Batenkaitos, Subaru proclaimed, "I'm gonna make my timeline so good it makes yours look like shit. I'll make a timeline that you envy, you hear that, Natsuki Subaru?"
Subaru chuckled, "I hear it."
Subaru nodded and turned to his final counterpart, the mad man with white hair and a hazy left eye. The man stretched out his hand, "I need to know. Can you save them?"
Subaru remained silent as he planted his feet. He made sure they had a perfect grip on the shadows. Then, he locked his knees, readied his back, shoved his hips and butt out to the side, and cast his arm into the sky, one finger raised above all the rest. With the Natsuki family pose completed, Subaru slammed his hand down, casting his finger at them.
The man's form melted away and he became Echidna in the flesh. Black veins pulsed along her body. Thin strands of white had come into her hair. Her deep pits for eyes stared at him from behind his pointing finger.
Can I save them?
Nope.
His heart pounded, he was truly alive, "I can't save a single thing. But…"
Faces flashed in his mind, Ram, Rem, Emilia, Otto, Garfiel, Frederica, Beatrice, and even Natsuki Subaru. Energy screamed within and he shouted, "All of us are going to save each other!"