Chapter 40: There's No Rest for the Stars, but They're Together
Emilia stood before the entrance to the trial room, Rem and Subaru standing on either side of her. All three waited in silence, not a sound around them but the short chirps of nocturnal bugs, and the whisper of wind brushing against the gray stone of the tomb ahead. It loomed, imposing and daunting, memories waited. Now, looking into the deep pit that led to the trial, she could recall the smell of the princess room, the sound of minor spirits as they made their way to her that first time, the little lines at the corners of Geuse's smile, Mother Fortuna's promise to her, and the details of her face, fulfilling that promise.
And yet even still, even with so many recollections, she hadn't accepted them. Until then, they were not truly a part of her, a part of Emilia. Though, after the trial, they would be, and that left her uncertain. She wet her lips and tried to clear her doubts, "Will I be the same after I fully experience these memories?"
And even if she didn't need it, even if her heart was already set on this course…
It was nice to hear an answer from Subaru.
"No. You'll be different…but the same," he answered, eyes remaining on the old tomb, as if he hadn't even needed to contemplate an answer. But he wasn't someone who just threw out words, he'd probably already thought of this.
Probably his next words as well, they were just as firm, "And as long as you hold onto the people around you, and they hold onto you, then you have nothing to worry about."
She understood the last part, but she had to ask, "What do you mean by 'different but the same'?"
Emilia turned to Subaru, who had his hands stuffed into his pockets. The moon cast a soft glow across his pale face. As seconds passed, he remained in place, simply looking up at the sky. Finally, he turned to her; the feeling of his gaze made her wonder what had changed Subaru. This wasn't his normal look in the slightest. Usually the glossy sheen, as if he wasn't entirely here, was just from him being tired. But now he seemed to truly be elsewhere, or at least see elsewhere, beyond her, beyond the tomb, beyond Sanctuary, beyond the world.
She breathed a sigh of relief. Then giggled, without end as she realized… She had to clutch at her chest to hold in the rich laughter, the content and comfortable laughter. Subaru was so much more worldly now, he understood, he saw, he was, he stood, and he believed in her even more. Her gratitude to Rem grew, along with the pitch of her guffaw.
After a few long moments, she contained her chuckles as he continued his explanation. He wasn't offended by her laughter, like he knew exactly what she'd been thinking. Though he didn't address it with the words, "I mean, you'll be different, but not fundamentally. No matter what, you'll still be the same person, still Emilia, still nothing less."
"Nothing less," Emilia whispered the words, she had to admit they left her a tad confused, "You talk funny, Subaru. What do you mean by nothing less?"
"You're nothing less than Emilia, who has so much potential. No less than infinity."
"You sound older than Puck," she laughed.
"That's not surprising," he answered, his gaze said he wanted to laugh with her. But they had to be serious now.
She faced the tomb's entrance once more, but for the second time curiosity stopped her, "Could I come out a monster? Would I still be Emilia if I came out a bad person?"
"That's not what you're really asking," he said so simply.
She fidgeted, but pushed out, "Will I… Could I become a monster?"
Silence stretched for a moment, until Rem spoke, "No, you won't become a monster."
Subaru tapped on his lips, pondering, "Yes…you could."
Her eyes widened, "What…"
Rem stared at him, her head tilting as she readied to say something.
However, Subaru's frown alleviated and he spoke before either had the chance, "Everyone can become a monster. But it won't matter for you. Because if you come out one, then you'll still have us to help you be better."
And with such simple words, Emilia smiled, "Thanks Subaru."
He nodded and turned his gaze back to the sky. Whispering in that same tone, "Stars, they're persistent."
He seemed…content. It was weird from Subaru. And why was he standing so much straighter? Was he stronger, or had he just shaken massive weights off his shoulders? Then those little wrinkles around his eyes…wasn't he young? How did someone so young seem so ancient.
While it all confused her, it also made her grin. He'd become so different, but here he remained, still Subaru. Still believing in her.
"Emilia, I should tell you something before you go in," Subaru said.
"Go ahead."
Over the next few minutes Subaru explained his plan, and the upcoming attack. When he finished, she mumbled, "You really do believe in me."
A bit of humor danced in his gaze and he turned his eyes to Emilia, "Ram called me an idiot for doing so."
Rem shook her head at that and grabbed her chest. Hesitation pushed across her face but she still mumbled, "Ram should believe in people a little more."
Subaru reached over and put his hand on Rem's shoulder, "That just means Emilia has to prove Ram wrong."
Emilia laughed, "I'll show her."
With those words, she waved to the both of them and walked toward the tomb. Her footsteps were loud against the rock beneath her. She remembered Rem standing before her. Wrist broken. Horn out. And yet still standing.
Rem believed in Emilia, as did Subaru. They wouldn't break their promises. And this time, neither would Emilia.
There wasn't any weakness in her legs. Emilia knew why she was entering this trial. She understood what she was going to find, and no matter what happened within, Subaru and Rem would be right outside.
She moved into the trial room and breathed deep, her consciousness fading as she reached the center.
"First you must face your past." her own voice said.
Emilia held her heart strong as she swayed and dropped. When her shoulders hit the ground, her world changed. Brightness surrounded her and she had to shield her eyes from the light.
"Oh so you came crawling back," a familiar voice said, dripping with venom.
Emilia's sight adjusted and she opened her eyes to the trial. A calm forest surrounded her, along with vibrant sunlight. There was an ethereal white glow infusing everything, showing Emilia that this was only a dream. But it would be a nice dream; it'd allow her to understand the past.
Her eyes dropped from the canopy, and met Echidna's. For a moment, two opposing hearts clashed. Yet Emilia would win this time. Her first move was raising her hand and waving, "Hey, Echidna."
Echidna's normally serene face was twisted in concentration, leaving her too focused to respond.
"What's going on?" Emilia asked.
"Nothing," the white-haired woman said, "just a small roadblock."
"What is it?"
Echidna turned her hateful gaze fully on Emilia; her words were empty of emotion though, "A clingy woman is trying to get me to rekindle love. She doesn't understand the opportunity has passed."
"Oh…" Emilia whispered then met Echidna's eyes, "I'm sorry you have to deal with that."
"Fuck off, slut," Echidna crossed her arms, leaning against the tree behind her.
Emilia chuckled, ignoring Echidna's barbs. They'd hurt once, but now she knew Echidna's malice was meaningless. So Emilia only had one thing to say, "Thank you."
"Oh so you enjoy being called a slut," Echidna growled, "how disgusting."
"No, that's not it," Emilia said, "it's just a thank you for letting me face my past."
Echidna's lips tilted up in a smile, then shifted to a frown. The expressions changed rapidly for a second, until settling on a slight grin, "Face, hah, like you'll actually face your past. I remember that showing you gave last time well."
The witch shook her head as her amusement faded to disgust. "You should just get out. Like you could face the tragedies within this trial."
"I can't do that. People are believing in me. They're expecting things from me. And I'm going to live up to those expectations."
"Stop trying to pretend you've already beaten this trial."
"I'm not trying to pretend," Emilia said.
Echidna leaned forward a tad, almost curious, "And why's that?"
Emilia thrust her finger to the sky, where white fuzzed the borders of the trial. That distortion twisted with the clouds. This really was the trial, and it didn't scare her at all. She threw her finger down, pointing it at Echidna.
The answer was simple. For someone who was probably so smart, Echidna should have already guessed it. Well, Emilia would just have to tell her, "I'm not pretending, because I've already passed the trial. I'm just waiting on you."
Echidna's lips opened a little, then formed a smile, "It'll be interesting crushing you, witch"
Emilia beamed back, she knew her next words didn't fit the conversation, but they were words she wanted to say. And it was okay to want something, to believe in herself to speak.
The words leaped from Emilia, and she declared, "I am Emilia. The Witch of Glaciation who froze Elior Forest, and nothing less! And all of this, there may be tragedy, there may be heartbreak, there may be madness; but in the end, it's just the past. Nothing more. It certainly won't stop me from living up to my friend's expectations!"
Subaru watched the tomb with a careful eye. The glow remained for about an hour and a half, then gradually faded, allowing night to regain total control. He stood up straighter, the weight of slight doubts had lifted. Of course he'd still believed, but doubts always remained. And trying to suppress them…
Otto struggling for life as Subaru deprived it.
Beatrice screaming as the rock crushed her skull in and spewed mana everywhere.
Petra trying to stop him, only to have her brain splattered across the rock.
Pandora's hand stretched out, an offer almost accepted.
…well, suppressing his doubts hadn't led to anything good.
"Subaru?" Rem turned to him, laying her hand on his arm and breaking his thoughts.
He turned and grabbed her hand, "It's alright, Rem, I'm just thinking."
Her lips tilted up and she let her hand fall away. They existed in almost complete silence, just their breathing and a few sounds of the forest. Such calm, he would have smiled if this was another time. But time marched on. Now was all that remained. He gazed up at the stars again, recalling their names.
Stars…they were always awake.
"Thank you," he whispered, the words slipping out.
"For what?" Rem asked with a light voice. She was confused, but satisfied as well.
He rubbed his jaw, along the spots where Rem had struck him over and over, "Without that, I wouldn't be here."
"What are you talking about?"
He came back to reality, that was a failed loop, and this wasn't. He'd keep it that way. This would be the successful attempt. His hands fell away from his face as he parted his lips, "Everything, thank you for all of it."
She giggled, "Thank you for what you said at Crusch's manor."
He felt levity run through him, "Any day."
"Any day," she repeated. Such a warm voice.
He put his focus back on the dark tomb, and the footsteps now echoing from it, "Let's go meet her."
He didn't even need to see Emilia come out, he knew she'd done it.
They walked toward the archway to greet Emilia. When Subaru got there, new footsteps were already reverberating from the corridor. He peered into the dark, catching flashes of purple eyes.
As soon as their gazes met, he flinched, "Emilia…"
That was her: strong, calm, confident. Within the shadow, her form glowed with color and resolve. She stepped out into the moonlight, so tall. Subaru's frown faded further. This was no longer the child named Emilia.
Now it was Emilia, just Emilia.
"Hey guys!" she shouted, giddy, "I did it. I circumvented the past."
"That's wonderful, Emilia," Rem complimented.
He pulled his hands from his pockets and put them together on the back of his head. Emilia and Rem were so excited, laughing about the candidate's passing of the trial. Memories bubbled to the surface and an odd compulsion came upon Subaru. It reached out from the past, taking his heart and caressing it. He let desire take him.
"Huh, who says circumvented anymore?"
Emilia giggled, "I do."
"It's a nice word," Rem said.
"Yeah, I suppose it is," he whispered, nostalgia coming over him in a great wave. As the moment continued, he simply revelled in it. The good things from the past were returning, the bad things being driven back. This was just one more mistake corrected.
He had so many more to go.
But that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy fixing each one.
He continued reaching out to Emilia, "What did you see?"
"Most of it was exactly what I expected. And it was nice to see Fortuna and Geuse again." Emilia said it with a smile, but her eyes betrayed the expression. They took on a far-off look.
Geuse. He recognized Petelgeuse's name immediately. But he didn't need to know anything about Sloth; he already knew the tricks to beating him.
However, he wouldn't have had the chance anyway, as Emilia was continuing, "But…there was a woman there."
She paused, any earlier triumph gone, "Someone who shouldn't have been. Though now that I think about it…she was always there. Just covered up."
"What woman?" Rem asked, curious.
Emilia refocused and said, "Her name was Pandora."
He froze, his blood running cold, "Pan…Pandora…"
Emilia nodded, "She called herself the Witch of Vainglory."
Rem's face twisted, her fists clenched, her horn began sprouting, and her eyes became that of a wild oni. Fury highlighted her voice as she breathed, "Witch."
On the other hand, he was calm. Aside from the need for answers, "What could she do?"
The half-elf's face wrinkled, "Uh…it's weird. She could say things, and then they'd come true."
"What things?" he asked. This was important, what Emilia said could make or break his plan.
"Anything. She said I wouldn't remember her, and then I didn't. She said this one guy wasn't supposed to be there, and then he wasn't. She made Geuse see things that weren't there, and she couldn't die."
His mind began to connect dots, "Reality manipulation…maybe. Was there any more?"
Emilia frowned, "Echidna was there watching, she explained it was useless power if you knew the trick."
He worked this new information into his mental calculations. It wasn't great, especially with how sweeping her power to change seemed to be. But he still said, "Damnit, she's going to attack the mansion with Regulus, but…"
He groaned, "We need to keep the same plan, unfortunately. I'll have to wing it and see if I can find the trick."
There was simply no other option. He'd have to hope this plan could still work, and if not, he'd make it happen. No matter what this past day would exist in more memories than just his own.
Her eyes had widened at the development, "Can you make the old plan work now?"
He rubbed his own eyes, "It's better than doing nothing."
"Alright, then I believe in you, Subaaaru," she said.
"Yes. You can do it, Subaru-kun," Rem added.
He would do it.
He'd put all his strength, all his resolve, all his connections, all his memories, all his intelligence into this. No matter what, he would not let go of this loop and its future. But to do that, he had to be at his best.
So he asked, "Is it alright if I go to sleep? Before everything goes down."
"Of course," Emilia said.
He tapped her shoulder, "Thank you. I'll see you when I wake up to a liberated Sanctuary."
"See you then," she answered with joy.
Subaru took his hand from her shoulder and walked toward an old place. He hadn't been there in a while, but he still remembered it. As it turned out, Ram had known of it, and she'd been overjoyed when he asked about it, though it was Ram overjoyed; which meant she'd insulted him and called him a pervert, but agreed that it was a good idea.
Now he was headed there, spending his walk staring up at the stars.
They never slept, they always continued even if unseen…
There was truly no rest for the stars.
Oh…that wasn't all of it.
Tears came to Subaru's eyes.
"The stars have each other."
He understood, and let his eyes drop from the sky. Before him lay a single cabin, isolated, quaint, and a reminder. He'd spent three loops worth of nights here with Ram. Until he stopped coming after Capella had gotten her hands on him. He sighed, wishing he could take it all back.
And thanks to Return by Death that wish was reality, giving him time to make good on five loops worth of mistakes. Subaru stepped up to the door; a warm red hue radiated out from the crack at the bottom. A little breath escaped Subaru as he stepped inside.
Within the cabin was Ram, leaning back in a chair at the little table in the corner. A few candles were lit at the table's center. Two plates of steamed tatoes sat in front of his and Ram's chairs.
"Already settled in, huh? I thought you were averse to this," Subaru said, closing the door behind him.
Ram looked up at him, joy coming to her expression, but she forced it into a scowl before he could comment on it, "Shut up, Barusu."
"Alright, fine, I'm too tired," he said, content with all this, "And I see you made the same as always."
"It is my greatest dish. You're lucky the smell even gets into your nose."
Subaru sat down, and realized, "I'm gonna have to teach you new things to cook some day."
"I'd like to see you attempt to teach someone so much better at cooking than yourself," Ram said, then let out a yawn.
"If you're tired, I can make food instead," Subaru offered.
"You work too much. It makes you look foolish."
Subaru picked up a fork and ate a few bites from his plate. When he was finished chewing he said, "Yeah, why shouldn't I work as much as possible?"
"You'll get tired, and embarrass yourself," Ram picked up her own fork.
"What if I work only up to the point where I have to go to sleep?"
"From the time you wake up until you retire for the night?" Ram asked.
Subaru nodded and took another bite. He had no idea how the food tasted. A sense he'd likely never recover. Ram took her own forkful at the same time.
When Ram swallowed she fixed him with a stern glare, "Where in there is time for you to laze around and annoy everyone?"
Subaru frowned, "No one needs me to annoy them, so I'll just not annoy them."
Ram's hand tightened on her fork, "Well we need you to mind your own needs."
Subaru put down his fork and honestly asked, "Why?"
Ram wasn't surprised by the question, she just seemed mad at him, "Because your needs are important, otherwise you'll whine."
"And if I don't whine? Then what's important about them?" Subaru wasn't angry. He wasn't challenging her. It was just that the words coming from her mouth made little sense to him.
Ram leaned back and pushed aside her plate, "Barusu, why do you act?"
"I'm not acting."
Ram leaned toward him, "Not that. Why do you take action at all?"
"To move forward."
"To what end?"
"To being what I need for those who need me," Subaru answered. That was his true desire.
Ram reached out, and caressed Subaru's chin. Her voice turned soft, "Oh, Barusu. Are you that much of an idiot?"
"Since I don't know what you mean," his calm voice responded, "yes."
Ram's scowl melted away. She stood up and wrapped her arms around him, pulling his head to her chest. Her fingers trailed along his neck and back, "Do you not understand that you need things as well?"
Subaru's mind came upon something and he let his fork drop to the table. The metal clanged against the wood, but when the sound faded all that remained was the beating of Ram's heart. A deep ache in his heart rose to the surface, he grabbed his chest.
"No, I can't really be so selfish, can I? To take away the time for others, because I need things?"
Ram kissed the top of his head, and said in a warm voice, "You said you'd be what those who need you need you to be. You need you."
Subaru's voice began to break, "But what about the time I'll be taking away from you all?"
Ram chuckled, "We don't need you for everything."
"Oh…" Subaru whispered, so low he could barely understand his own words, "right…I can trust you and everyone else. You can all handle things on your own. You don't need me all the time, do you?"
"We can manage on our own while you focus on Barusu's needs."
Subaru pushed his head away from Ram and stared up at her. He knew it was true. Natsuki Subaru needed things. Was that not a sin? To indulge those needs? Was it okay to trust his friends, and be a little selfish?
"It's selfish to focus on my own needs though," Subaru said, still weakly objecting.
Ram put her cheek on his own and whispered into his ear, "Of course it is, and that's okay."
Ram said it was, so it was.
Natsuki Subaru took one step deeper into trust.
"It's…" he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes, "it's okay for me to need things, and trust you all."
He pulled Ram away from him again, looking her in the eyes. Their faces were only centimeters apart. Even here, she seemed to want something else from him.
He'd oblige her, by saying the first thing that came to mind, "I need to ask you for a lap pillow. So, can I have a lap pillow, Ram?"
Ram crossed her arms and looked away to hide her smile, "Eugh, fine."
She looked back at him, triumphant. She grabbed Subaru and yanked him toward the bed, which was in the middle of the cabin. He didn't protest as she lifted him up onto the mattress.
When he flopped down, Ram climbed up, kneeling behind his head. Her arms yanked his head onto her lap, leaving Subaru gazing up at her face.
Ram's face, so beautiful.
He reached up, caressing her cheek. Ram did the same, then poked him. He didn't have the energy to poke back. Exhaustion had snuck up on him, and was coming in for the kill. He'd let his guard down, it'd been so long since sleep had come without forcing it.
He shouldn't have been surprised though, there wasn't a more perfect pillow in the world.
Ram leaned down, kissing his forehead. With that warmth, comfort flowed through him. Subaru finally relaxed, closing his eyes.
"Hey, Ram," he yawned.
"What is it, Barusu?" she asked as her hands rubbed his cheeks.
"Thank you for everything…" he whispered, sleep taking him.
As morning turned to noon, Subaru climbed up onto Patrasche. He patted the dragon's head as Otto helped make sure the saddle was fastened properly. They'd all spoken of the new developments with Pandora, and everyone had made their last preparations with Subaru. All the planning was done. The only thing left was Patrasche's mad dash to the mansion.
And the goodbye.
Subaru turned his attention to the left, where everyone was gathered. Emilia standing tall, Sanctuary's Liberator. Rem, standing on her own. Garfiel and Otto, standing together; a friendship had already begun forming this past day. Ram, standing with pride on her face. All of it directed toward him.
Subaru nodded to them, "Good luck guys. Flip Capella the bird."
"What's the bird?" Emilia asked.
"I'll explain it when I come back."
Emilia waved, "Alright Subaru, good luck."
"Good luck, Natsuki-san."
"Good luck, Cap'n."
"Good luck, Subaru-kun."
"Good luck, you'll need it, Barusu."
Subaru accepted all their well-wishes and asked one final question, "Do you all trust me?"
Everyone gathered responded with a yes.
So people really did believe in him. He'd trust the person they believed in.
Subaru bowed his head and said, "Thanks.."
Rem, Emilia, Garfiel, Otto, and Ram all waved as he snapped Patrasche's reins. A chorus of farewells was all he heard when he embarked on his mission.
And as Patrasche sprinted toward the mansion Subaru whispered, "Time to come out and play in the mud with us, Beako."