title Ke shi wo ai ta (But I love her)
author huamulan03
fandom Meteor Garden/Hana Yori Dango
pairing Rui X Tsukushi or HZL X SC. If you 'ship otherwise, I suggest you bail NOW.
summary/spoilers HZL POV, companion to QING TIAN (One Fine Day), part of huamulan03's Fireworks, Not Shooting Stars universe. Story-wise, departs for parts unknown three-quarters through MGII EP28.
disclaimer/acknowledgments I don't own HYD or LXHY/MG (I and II) -- Kamio Yoko-sensei and Angie Tsai do. Don't own any of the F4 songs I used either; they're copyrighted by their respective owners. No infringement intended, no profit made.

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Wrapped in the comfortable silence typical of their most treasured moments, they shared the backseat of the Mercedes taking them to the apartment he'd rented two weeks before. Glancing up from having sent a text message to his best friends, Lei allowed a small smile to play about his lips.

Probably his hundredth for the day.

Maybe a hundred was exaggerating, he backtracked, but it still seemed to Lei that the formerly evasive show of happiness had become so pushy in the past few hours. While he -- he had transformed into the ultimate pushover, following gladness blindly into whatever uncharted territory it wanted to explore.

But Lei couldn't help it.

She was here. THEY were here. More importantly, they were together.

The thought, the reality, blew him away. With the gale-force strength of a typhoon.

He felt like some discoverer exploring new terrain. And despite the uncertainty of the road ahead, he wouldn't be complaining, he averred. Definitely not, not even if he was the type to sweat the small stuff and he wasn't. It wasn't as if wallowing in angst was preferable to celebrating the fulfilment of a dream, after all. Hope late in the making, but no less powerful for the brevity of its evolution.

Nope, nuh-uh. Not just no, but HELL no, he asserted. He'd be ten kinds of fool if he even thought to protest. Moreover, there was no room left for complaining. A strange, exhilarating excitement flooded his veins, the incredible rush threatening to make his slight, self-conscious smile mutate into an uncharacteristic, goofy beam. Years of conditioning made Lei clamp down on the impulse and focus his attention back on her.

He saw that Shan Cai -- albeit on a different level -- was also excited about Singapore. Her body language spoke volumes as she peered out the car window at the passing scenery, brightly lit by street lamps. Although any more excitement and her nose would be permanently stuck to the glass, he thought fondly.

He saw that she'd already lost the battle with her natural curiosity: strive as she might for subtlety, the whip-snap swivels of her head and the constant neck-craning as she tracked points of interest in front, then behind them, gave her away. The clues were there for the reading. Even for someone oblivious.

And that was a charge that couldn't be leveled at him, he concluded a little smugly, letting the ends of her hair, fanning out as she spun back to her nose-against-window position, trail against his fingers. Lei knew he was beset by many sins (the inability to keep hands to himself when she was around being one), but cluelessness wasn't among them.

Why couldn't you be the one I love?

With that one exception, he thought, wincing from getting whacked on the head by a memory whizzing out of left field. That oblivious proclamation that night on the beach had been THE masterpiece in clueless. And to think he'd prided himself over his watching of and over her! Shaking his head, Lei looked around for an excuse. But none (none acceptable that is) stood up to be counted.

His defense (and a weak one at that) was that he'd been heart-bruised at the time. Suffering had made him insensitive to anything else. But still...

Ni ai Shan Cai, dui bu dui?

Ah Mei's question rebounded to the present, challenging Lei a second time. He inhaled deeply before plunging into the maze constituting his memories.

Ah Mei, belying her child-like exterior, had been perception personified; he in his unjustifiably shallow summation of her just hadn't seen it. And Lei had thought he was being so clever, patronizingly pointing out to the tantrum-throwing Ah Mei the fine distinction between like and love, comparing what she felt for him to how he, himself, felt about his violin.

Ah Mei -- with an unexpected maturity -- had punctured his posturings, piercing through convoluted metaphor to the truth within. After his long-winded explanation, she had remarked simply, "I don't know if you're talking about your violin or Shan Cai." A little abashed, Lei readily admitted that Shan Cai had been the subject of his needlessly intricate explanation all along.

Yes, he loved Shan Cai. Ai, not merely xi huan, like he'd told Ah Mei.

He'd said as much to Shan Cai when he asked her to come with him to Japan. To a promise of a new life. Away from the pain that seemed to Lei to taint every corner of Taiwan.

Every nook and cranny Shan Cai and Ah Si had made their own.

Something in the region of his chest contracted as a hushed voice whispered that all he was doing was running away. From pain. From guilt. From responsibility. It pointed out that justification aside, at the end of the day, it was still a selfish, cowardly act. Lei tried to still the voice that agitated his seemingly calm but altogether volatile emotions. It's later than you think; you might as well accept it, he silently, defiantly, proclaimed, paraphrasing an enigmatic Chinese proverb.

But the specter that was his best friend still rose up to haunt him, roused by the conflicted nobility that had led to Lei stepping back and giving up Shan Cai twice before. Both morally correct decisions had been based on one fact: that it was Dao Ming Si who couldn't live without Shan Cai.

Ah Si. The missing third in their triangle. The man he considered his brother, in spite of absence of blood ties.

He struggled against the ensuing downward spiral, shutting up the cry that reverberated in his head: Why did it have to be you? How come it has to be you? With effort, he shelved thoughts of Ah Si into the farthest corners of his mind, relegating them for another bout of reflection when he was capable of putting up a good fight. Sneaking another peek at Shan Cai, Lei saw that she was squinting quizzically at something. He followed her line of vision. Grateful that her attention was on The Marriott instead of him, Lei clenched his fists and forced himself to revert to less painful musings.

Remorse took a step back, replaced by his trademark pragmatism. His betrayal of Ah Si, what Ah Si (and himself) would consider his greater treachery, wouldn't lessen, even with time. Temporary cessation of recriminations would have to suffice.

He'd face reprisal stoically when it came. And he was certain it would come. As certain as two brothers, polar opposites, falling in love with the same soul.

She who possessed that soul was with him now. And he'd be damned if he let his third chance pass without making an effort to finally win her.

This time, no one would be accusing him of not going after what he wanted. Selfish? Most likely. Calculating? Probably. Swayed? Definitely not.

He could live with all that.

Because the basis of those morally correct decisions had been lacking.

Lei, too, doubted he could live without her.

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Wei he hui shi ta ni shuo de qian gua jiu shi ta
Ke shi wo ai ta wo mei you ban fa zai zuo jia
Zhe shi mo qi hai shi zhong feng chi
Yong yi yang de jue xin qu ai shang tong yi ke xin

Dang wo xin li zhi you ta hai pa que wu fa zi ba
Yi zhi fou ding wo zi ji yao ming lin wo fang qi
Rang er wo zhen de ke wang wo jiu shi ta de wei yi

Dang wo xin li zhi you ta
Bu pa ren he de dai jia ye xu yao chen shi
Xu yai liao bu qi de yong qi
Rang er jin guan wo ke yi qu yuan liang ni
Ye bu neng li rang ni oh no yin wei wo ai ta

Zen me hui shi ni neng xiang zhi xiang shi ye wei di
Wei he hui shi ta dang wo mei ban fa zai zuo jia
Zhe shi mo qi hai shi zhong feng ci
Yong yi yang de jue xin qu ai shang tong yi ke xin

Dang wo xin li zhi you ta hai pa que wu fa zi ba
Ye ceng zhen xin zhu fu ni neng he ta zai yi qi
Qi shi bu zai hu wo zhan ta de xin ji fen zhi ji

Dang wo xin li zhi you ta
Bu pa ren he de dai jia ye xu yao chen shi
Xu yao liao bu qi de yong qi
Rang er cheng quan cong lai jiu bing bu shi ai yao kao lu de xi ti
Oh no yin wei wo ai ta

-- Zai Zai AKA Vic Zhou Yu Ming, Zen Me Hui Shi Ni (How Come It's You) from the Fantasy 4ever album

English lyrics translated by Kristi & Yih, from the F4 FantasyLand site (I seem to have lost the url):

Why her? Your missing piece is she
But I love her, I can't pretend anymore
Is this a tacit understanding? Or is it an insult?
Let alone our determination, we fall in love with the same "soul"

But she's the only existence in my heart, I'm frightened but it can't be helped
The doubts I have make me want to give up
Still, I hope to be "the one" for her

Because she's the only existence in my heart
I'm not scared to sacrifice, to be sincere
I need encouragement though
Yet I can forgive you
I can't let you have precedent over me, oh no, because I love her

How come it's you? You, my friend, are my enemy?
Why her? I can't pretend anymore
Is this a tacit understanding? Or is it an insult?
Let alone our determination, we fall in love with the same "soul"

But she's the only existence in my heart, I'm frightened but it can't be helped
I only wish that you can be with her with all my heart
It doesn't matter how much of her heart I occupy

Because she's the only existence in my heart
I'm not scared to sacrifice, to be sincere
I need encouragement though
'Cuz giving up was never a question that "love" needed to consider
Oh no, because I love her

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- FIN -

credits

Thanks to Lise of F.4.N.T.A.S.Y. for some of the show quotes; to Mandy for her astounding work on translating MGII; to Kristi & Yih from the F4 FantasyLand site for the song lyrics; and ecinaj0823 for beta'ing this. You guys all rock!

author's note I wrote this way back in the summer of 2003 and thought to dust it off to commemorate the kickoff on March 22 of the F4 Forever Four 2006 Concert Tour in Hong Kong.

I don't speak Chinese with any degree of fluency so apologies in advance, k? (Here's hoping y'all don't subscribe to DMS' "daoqian you yong de hua..." Apologies, too, in case my HZL strays too much into OOC territory, but this remains my reading of him.

Thanks for hounding me 'bout this fic: Greenie, Jen, Stacey, and Emi.