Exhausted, I lower my head to the counter, frowning, quietly staring down at my ale, too tired, too agitated, too done with people to think clearly.
"It hurts…" Frowning, I perk up at the voice turning to furrow my brow when finding Cole sat by me.
"What will it be kid?" The bark keep questions him.
"I don't drink," He responds simply as I sigh and shake my head at the boy and silence filling the room.
"Right," Blinking, the bar keeper turns to me only to see my shrug.
"Get him some water," I dismiss as he frowns but complies.
"He saw me, he didn't forget, urgh…" Cole winces cradling his stomach as the brief hope fades replaced by the pain in his tone.
"That's a good step," I mutter forcing down a sip of my drink as the bar keep returns giving him some water, earning a few raised brows only to drop when noting my dark glare.
"Fen it still hurts when do I stop hurting?" Innocently, Cole questions.
"Never." Coldly, I answer, taking a bigger sip of my drink.
"Are…are you mad at me?" Cole questions, nervousness in his tone.
"No…Cole I'm not mad at you it's the others I am. They choose your fate you had no part of it which angers me, they didn't ask for your view, none of that." I explain to him calmly.
"I asked them for help," Cole whispers.
"That doesn't mean you couldn't voice out your concerns Cole, you always have a voice, no matter how many people try to silence you," I sigh sadly at the naïve child.
"I find people when their pain leaves them open, you bottle it up. I ease the pain. I leave. They forget. That was enough for me. Now they remember and I'm not sure…ah," Cole chuckles sadly as I raise a brow.
"I told you about Rhys. The mage who could see me, my friend. My only friend for a long time. Evangeline showed me that the Templars can be kind but even she…" Cole laughs.
"Gentle, you watched me walk into darkness over and over even when you had your own darkness, even when everyone feared me you didn't. You always worry, like a mother to their child, trying to make them better, trying to make themselves better. Thank you please you don't need to worry about me over more, you should worry about yourself and the letter…" Cole whispers making my eyes widen as he bows his head, looking apologetic.
"Cole…" I begin frowning at him.
"Sorry…I…it isn't about them. It's about …when I found out I wasn't human, when I grew, I lost Rhys. I lost my only friend. That's why I was scared about letting all these people see me. That's why I laughed. This world has taught me that change means losing your friends. But now I know that doesn't have to be true. I have enough self to know that what I felt was foolish. Isn't it wonderful?" Cole chuckles smiling.
"Laughter can hide the most saddest of pain," Forebodingly, I remark, drinking my pint.
"I might like being human. What do you think I'll learn next…those women they seem to want to teach me something," Cole smiles. Confused, I blink, peering over him to see him looking at a busty red head bar maid making my eyes narrow recalling a few nights ago them leaping onto Bull's arms, clinging to them and going up and down on his arm, drunk out of their minds…
"Yeah no. Take baby steps first," Gently, I tell him, giving the three bar maids a death glare, making them back away frightened as Cole and I continue chatting and drinking…
"Will you…help me?" Hopeful, Cole asks looking up at me.
"I'll try…" I sigh tiredly bringing a relied smile to his lips as we continue our talk and chat.
"Voice ringing with fullness from both worlds, guiding me to the shining places. He calls himself Pride. Old pain, shadows forgotten from dreams too real. This side is slow and heavy, but here is what can change. Wisdom knows enduring is pain. He hurts for her, another of many he couldn't save. He carries necessary deaths…" Cole mutters to himself more as I simply blink at the boy, staring down at the counter, drawing patterns into it as I sigh standing up leaving him to his words. I guess some remnants of himself still linger or are separating out now…
Suddenly, I feel a hand snatch my shoulder, causing my reflexes to kick in as I reel my fist back, only for the figure to dodge my swing and smirk at me.
"Sera! Don't do that!" I scowl at the silly girl giggling but I note the worry in her laughter.
"What is it?" I question.
"I need your help, hats! I need hats!" Sera pants terrified making me blink owlishly.
"Hats? That seems more like a Vivienne and Leliana thing than me," I argue frowning.
"Your friends with hat lady!" She points out.
"If you mean Isabela she isn't…" I begin.
"I know I…widdles, I'm getting widdles a present!" She cuts me off making me frown, who the heck is Widdles?
"Widdle?" I repeat puzzled by the name.
"My girlfriend!" Brightly she grins as I feel the colour drain from my face from shock.
"What!? Who!?" Sternly, I demand info.
"Widdles, helped blondie with his quest, enchantment shit," Sera shrugs as I frown, recalling the dwarf girl with the really happy peppy voice freaking me out.
"Dagna!" I click my fingertips remembering her.
"Yeah Widdles!" Sera beams.
"When were you going to tell me!?" I demand hurt by her not telling me.
"Later…" Sera turns away guilty.
"Sera…" Frowning, I cross my arms.
"I knew you'd freak out okay!? Is it weird cause if it is I don't-"
"I don't care Sera. I just…I don't want to see you get hurt," Softly, I cut her off seeing her eyes soften in guilt.
I won't, she means the world to me that's why I'm getting her a hat!" Radiantly, she cheers.
I…I see…" I frown at the logic used.
So you know a place?" She leans in eager for help.
"….I know a place." Defeated, I slump my shoulders and nod as she grins, cheering as next thing I know I'm dragged out of the bar and somewhere else…
"What is it doing here?" Scowling, Sera glares at Cole, as me, Cole, Sera and Blackwall enter Val Royeaux.
"He's a hat fan." I shrug.
"He won't wear anything else but that hat," Blackwall adds.
"How do you know this place?" Sera grumbles.
"Isabela…" Grumbling, I sigh at the shopping spree here, her dragging me all over through this hellhole with people staring at me and having to listen to Isabela rant on and on, nearly making my ears bleed. Sometimes even hitting on some patron for a discount or stealing some hats, leading me into getting into trouble. We approach said shop, which Sera dives into and Cole uncertain glances at me as I sigh, gently pushing him inside as Blackwall and I enter, watching the two go gaga for the hats presented.
"Ah…so oooh what about this one?" Sera gushes excitedly.
"It's a hat." Blackwall and I deadpan.
"Ooh this one!" She turns to one waaay too big for her and Dagna.
"It's a hat." We repeat once more.
"Look at this one it's so fluffy!" She gushes only then to see Cole wearing the shame hat shyly.
"Eww I hate it!" She tosses the hat to the floor as tired, Blackwall picks it up putting it back as we watch the children explore.
"It's a hat." We repeat once more seeing her put on another and another…
"You're shit at this!" She pouts at us.
"A hat is a hat. I told you I'm no fashion person should have asked Dorian, eve or Vivienne," I argue.
"But they're boring, you're fun," She whines.
"I really am not besides don't you think these huge hats could even fit Dagna's head?" I point out.
"Oh…didn't think of it like that shit!" Out loud she curses earning a few stink eyes from the patrons as both Blackwall and I face palm as we decide to head out to get something to eat, getting the idea this will take a while…Cole trailing behind me, clinging to my arm.
"You really are their mother," Teasingly, Blackwall laughs as I scowl.
"Please no, I think if I had kids they would know some manners," I sigh.
"Solas would like them," Cole blurts out making me choke on my drink.
"Huh?" Coughing, I release a wheezes breathe.
"Before I…turned into a human. I remember Solas sometimes looking at you and imagining the child, snow white silk locks with her beautiful amethyst eyes, her eyes sparked with curiosity and mischief, so pretty then there's another a boy, a cheeky rascal, adventurous, gets from both her mother and I…" Cole recites. Blinking, we stare at Cole who bows his head, none of us not sure what to say as Sera returns.
"Done it!" Blazingly, she cheers fist umping the air as we all nod and decide to focus on our meal.
"Do all Grey Wardens have beards?" Sera questions Blackwall.
"No, just me. I stole all the beards... and all the power held within. There can be only one," Seriously, Blackwall declares.
"Why can't we all share?" Shyly, Coe whispers as I sigh at the sweet soul, patting his hat.
"Not really!" Sera rejects.
"Your knife is big," Cole points out earning a snort from Sera as I face palm.
"It's a sword," Blackwall laughs.
"It's bigger than mine," Cole points out innocently.
"And now you've made it awkward," Blackwall grumbles.
"How do you get the hair on your face?" Cole questions curious.
"Look, ask Fen. She seems to be your mother," Blackwall sighs.
"I'd like her to be. She'd be a loving mother despite what she believes," Cole confesses making me go silent groaning, head in hands, not sure what to say.
"He doesn't have hair on his face. Is it a mask?" Cole questions turning to me.
"No it's a beard. Look, if you were any other lad your age I'd tell that one day you'll probably grow one too, except I don't know if spirits that become boys get beards," Blackwall explains.
"I could try," Cole proposes.
"Right. You go do that then. Good luck. Have fun," Blackwall encourages.
"She tried. The cookies were good until the hate made it bitter in your mouth," Cole points out nibbling on his cookie only for Sera to grab it and toss it away.
"Sera," Warningly, I glower at her as she huffs, grumbling sinking into her seat, arms crossed. I'm not paid enough for this.
"He started it! Not there Creepy. Go rooting in that part of me and I'll stripe you up, you hear?" Sera threatens.
"Everyone heard. You're scary in another place," Cole continues not knowing any better.
"Sera. My tongue wants to whistle on the start. Sera. But it has to stay still or the r is a d. Sera. Seda. Seda. De da de da. If you try, you can say it without moving your mouth, see? Serrra. Say it enough and it stops being a word. Sera, Sera, Sera, Sera, Serraa," Cole repeats as Blackwall and I pinch the bridges of our noses, noting the rising tension.
"Leave me alone!" She growls.
"You like to dance, but can't. You hate to sing, but can. You should not paint. It would be very bad if you did," Cole whispers.
"Could someone please shut him up? Or I am going to shaft him in his creepy little eyes!" Sera hisses.
"You... you called me him. Thank you! Fen she called me a he!" Brilliantly, Cole smiles bringing a soft smile to my lips at his cuteness.
"Ugh! How do you get so close to being human and then just not? Sera huffs, standing up as we take that as our sign of departure, we finish our food, Blackwall paying and head off, returning to Skyhold.