"Anders I swear if I find your blood cat on my bed again I'll chuck them out the window!" Roaring, my young self-seethes scowling as my young self-chucks the crying cat to the ground, glaring at it, hissing at the numerous stinging sore slits of cuts all over my younger form as I glare at the male, his feathers coat coat black as he turns to my younger form, feeling my blood turn icy cold at the bastard…
"Fen…you look lovely tonight," Brightly, Anders greets me as I growl at the memory watching my younger self still keep a distance from the male, trying to close the gap, even back then I thought he was odd. He…he wasn't right, something was off from his offhand comments about me to his obsession with my marks, even Isabela was concerned. I remember her keeping a sharp eye on Anders if we were in a party together or he entered the room.
"Save the complements and take your bloody cat," Poisonously, my younger self-scowls, disgust laced in my tone as I frown at my young me, trying out long hair in a low ponytail yeah, it didn't work back then.
"Let me look at those cuts on your marks," Ander reasons.
"I'm fine Anders," My young self-steps back scowling as he takes a step forward.
"Come on…" Wincing, my young self-steps back only then for Ander's hand to grasp my own, making me flinch remembering his hard tight iron like grip on my arm, despite his cold fingertip's feeling my shaking, trembling form and clear discomfort towards him as he pries me to sit down. Reaching out, his hard fingertips pressing down on my glowing tense marks from his iron grip as my younger form tries to pry his hands off my arm, circling it almost unaware of the purple bruise forming…
"Anders, could you just stop it!" My young self-shouts scowling, noting her echoing tone of fear and pain.
"We need to get your marks checked Fen," Shakily, my young self-steps back as he takes another step forward as I note the confliction in her eyes.
"I'll have Merrill do it," Shakily, my young form smiles.
"The blood mage? Fen I'm a healer I know what I'm doing we're friends aren't we don't you trust me? Besides you know how busy Merrill is with that mirror of hers and Hawke with your brother, why waste their precious time on you and your minor injuries Anders scoffs, disgust laced in her tone making my younger form frown, wincing as my younger self-touches the bruise, caused by Anders around my wrist as my young self-frowns, opening her mouth to argue but conflicted turns away.
"I…" Pained, I grimace at the scene.
"Why are you being like this to me?" Ander snaps startling my younger form.
"H-huh?" My younger self blinks puzzled as I sigh at the memory frowning, I was so young, I was…I was so vulnerable at the time, I was weak and pathetic, too fearful of mages to even speak against Anders along with the conflict of him being Hawke's friend, I didn't want to cause trouble at the time having realized how much Hawke had done for me and my brother, I felt as if I didn't want to cause trouble so when it came to Anders…it was a complex situation.
"You said you trusted mages now and here you are acting as if I'm a freak, you think Hawke is a freak, who knows what you'll brother do if he learned his little sister thinks the love of his life as a freak, most likely abandon you, not that I can blame him, the love of his life or his simple sister?" Anders argues as my younger self recoils in slight fear.
"N-no I'm not Ander I-" My younger self begins, fearing a row, not wanting to cause further trouble.
"Then let me treat you, I need to know you're okay, I love you," Softly, Anders smile as my younger self-flinches those words, those fucking words. Horrified, I feel my gauntlet slick silver fingertips comb through my locks, my form freezing.
"Stop, stop, stop please!" Horrified, I take a step back hunched over shaking.
"Anders stop we've been over this," Pleadingly, my younger self pleads.
"So you'll let some nobodies have their way with you but not me!? What do they have that I don't!?" He screams, making my young form flinch back terrified as he raises his staff.
"You're my friend Anders, I don't want tor ruin that!" Angrily, my younger self snaps back, noting her shaking form.
"You won't if you just give me a chance, please don't you trust me? We're friends…" Smiling, Anders steps forward.
"Stop…just stop…" Shakily, my younger self takes a step back, holding herself well myself, arms crossed shivering, a disturbed look of fear on her features, her dilated blue shaking hunched over fearful.
"They're just using you Fen, I mean look at you, you're not some pure pretty girl you're…used. You get what I mean, you don't have many options but I'm here," Ander off handily making my younger form release a whimper, noting the glassiness in her eyes as I wince, remembering my vulnerable self, near to tears at the dark thought having returned. I knew I was dirty, I knew I was an object, I knew I was nothing but a servant and useless. Here, Anders was confirming What my dark thoughts had been haunting, looming, reminding me as I drank away my sorrows, remembering those dark but true words, I was ugly, I was used, I was worn out, I wasn't nice, I wasn't pretty, I was disgusting, I was nothing but an old used doll tossed away…I still am to this day.
"Stop I don't want this, I don't want the life you want!" Screaming, my younger self snaps.
"Of course you do everyone does everyone wants a relationship you just don't realize it!" Anders scoffs as I glare daggers at him, my younger self on the verge of tears.
"Stop it Anders just stop!" Desperate, my younger self screams at him.
"What? I'm just looking out for you, I care for you Fen deeply and I need you. I…I wouldn't know what I'd without you, seeing Karl go tranquil I….if you hadn't stopped me I would have burnt the whole of Kirkwall down," Seriously, Anders tells my younger form, falling to his keeps shocking my younger form into silence as he hugs her, clinging to the clearly uncomfortable shaking conflicted mess that was my younger self, weak, conflicted but most of all scared, having no idea the toxicity of our so called 'friendship.'
"Y-yeah…." Unevenly, my younger self numbly nods, pain evident in her feats as she flinches when feeling Ander's curious eyes all over her form, his fingertips dipping down into her arms, caressing her marks, making her grimace. It's just like how he used to touch them, his thumb would dig deep into the marks, making my younger form wince from the stinging throb of pain as Anders does the same…
But, when Solas did it after…that, at least he wouldn't press down them, he would caress them like his finger was a paintbrush almost, not pressing down but caressing the curves and outlines of the marks, kissing my temple or peppering small butterfly kisses all over my marks and body gently, his bare form beneath my own, whispering how beautiful they were to me and how much I was amazing…this.
This is different, this was…it was too much, I just, he kept going on about having kids how they would have white hair and his eyes, always making a point about the hiding my arms at first I thought it was to hide me but he never said the same for Fenris and if I didn't and I was in public, he'd flip, he would…scare me and when Varric would ask if I wanted to, he would almost snap at Varric saying I would, it terrified me, his obsession with my arms, with everything about my marks, it scared me and even now…
"I wouldn't survive without you…Fen. I love you Fen…"
Sternly, Solas tends to the grimacing form of Fennic back in Skyhold, laying in Solas' bed sofa, kneeling down, having not spoken to anyone. Concerned, Dorian leans over the balcony, his browns staring down worriedly at the frantically moving unconscious Fen, remembering his attempt at helping only to receive Solas' almost primal dark glare, genuinely intimidating Dorian into watching from afar as focused Solas remains at the task at hand, haven't not eaten anything, everything he does he tends and does for Fen, his eyes and focus never leave her shaking form as she attempts to spew up blood, only to begin chocking once more as crimson appears to spit out of her cracked, bruised lips, her features turning icy pale even making Dorian grimace as he notes the shaking Cole watching from afar, looking on the same level of paleness as him as Sols stoic gently lifts her up into position to vomit blood and not choke on it, rubbing circles into her back being silent, ignoring the many eyes and whispers on and about him as he continues tending to the suffering soul.
Tenderly once the vomiting ceases he gently sits her down, his delicate fingertips brushing through her long messy crimson stained snow white locks, his greys pained to see her in such a weakened state as he gently places his lips upon her ice cold trembling temple, whispering something in a low tone, his tone shaky as he stands, exhaustion taking over, plopping down on his chair, head in hands as he glances frowning at the familiar cup in his hand. He hates it, hates tea but to keep him focused and on Fen, he had to pay the price for her. Patiently, Solas waits head in hands, a look of pain in his eyes only then for him to hear the faint ring of the door making him turn to an familiar dwarf approaching.
"I got some herbs that typically help her," Varric reveals the herbs as Solas nods without saying a word, takes the herbs and rushes over to the mortar, turning them into a remedy for Fen to swallow only then after that to sigh.
"All we can do now is wait," Grimly, he mutters to the nodding Varric sighing.
"Fen has had some episodes, bad ones but this one, this one is in the top three," Grimacing, Varric confesses joining the stone silence of Solas' side.
"I should have stopped her, I should have," Ashamed, Solas bow his head seething with guilt.
"You wouldn't have stopped her, once Fen makes up her mind she goes through with it even if it is suicidal," Varric tries to chin up the frowning male.
"Varric, there's something I am curious about," Solas leans into his chair.
"And that is?" Varric responds.
"When Fennic was thrashing, she muttered out Anders," Solas tells him, his eyes narrowing to see the shock and brief shaken features of Varric, surprising even Solas considering the aloof and savvy nature of Varric, seeing him look so worried perks the intrigue of the elven apostate.
"Chuckles…you know of Fen's past now thanks to the fade and shit right?" Varric begins.
"Yes…" Solas confirms sadly.
"Fen…hasn't had the best history with people. See we didn't know but when we first met Fennic and Fenris we thought when they opened up to us about their master the scars had gone, they had for Fenris but not Fennic, not that I can blame her those scars take time, much more time but…when we met her she was vulnerable, she was scared, she was a child scared and angry at the world, she…wasn't stable. You wouldn't think that when you met her, but when getting to know her, to the public she's seen as strong, confident and snarky but when you get lost to her, you see her cracks, her sorrow, her…she tried to jump…" Shakily, Varric whispers his tone low in vulnerability.
"What?" Solas stands up in shock at the news, glancing at the woman he so adored to think she would try to…angry, he grimaces at the bitter bile in his throat at the thought, feeling the heavy clench of his chest.
"Yeah, she tried to jump, she couldn't take it anymore the nightmares wouldn't stop coming, she wouldn't eat and refused to sleep, even when we used coma on her she'd wake up sluggish and clearly uncomfortable, she... couldn't take it anymore and Anders didn't help. Hawke was heartbroken," Varric confesses.
"How come?" Solas queries.
"Hawke helped Fenris with his issues of mages she couldn't try to help both she tried but couldn't be there for them both forever. It was too much and with her family so she believed Anders to be a good influence on him but…" Varric guilty gulps, pained.
"But what?" Solas enquires encouraging him.
"We never knew, he hadn't realize how unhinged Justice made Anders, yes he did help partially with her understanding mages to be human but his friendship with Fennic was almost an obsession. He wanted more that she could provide, he wanted a family and we both know how scared Fen is of commitment…" Tiredly, Varric sighs.
"So what happened?" Solas questions softly.
"We didn't even notice, Isabela had some thoughts, kept an eye and made sure they had a distance from one another so did I. But we had no idea the damage Anders had done to her. Solas while you saw Fen as a person and fell for her not for her power but for herself. Anders fell for her power, her marks, he thought she could be of use to take down the Templars and made Fennic feel like…I don't know the details but I'll say this. I've never seen someone so distraught, so shaken and so disturbed thanks to Anders ," Miserably, Varric tells Solas, his head down, noting his hands shaken angered at the thought.
Gently, he kneels down, his fingertips reaching out to brush against her snow whit locks, a look of pain in his eyes as he caresses her cheeks, hearing her muttering out in pain, his thoughts lingering on her reckless almost suicidal attempts at battle, bringing another heavy wave of pain in his chest, she didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve any of this so why? Why did fate have to be so cruel to someone like her?
"Why can't you see yourself like I do?" Sadly, Solas pleads, his tone vulnerable as he looks away from the sleeping figure, looking at the lone mural hidden behind the heavy angling cloth from the mural, his pale fingertips brushing through the fabric hiding the wall as he looks up sorrowfully at the tall curtain and towering over him, hiding the wall from sight…
What did you think of this chapter guys? Would love to know!