Silently, I stare out at my balcony, taking in another huge gulp from my glass, wincing at the burning blazing touch flowing down my neck.
"You…you're meant to be a hero to us!"
"A real hero!"
"You promised us freedom!"
"We died for you…"
Grimacing, I continue looking out at the small lights below as I frown remembering Leliana's message, report on the situation. The elves have been taken elsewhere for safety some of the kids have been taken into the chantry orphanage while others have been taken to safer locations, where they will have the inquisition protection on their side, luckily.
But still, I scowl at the numerous flashes from the eerie green landscape of the fade and its inhabitants to the spirits of horrid reminders of fears, bringing back bad memoires, those children in robes, those innocent, those caught in the crossfire and now another pair to add to my list of victims.
Still though…I wince at the memory of the baby, the dad, the mum….Hope. That would happen to me if I had kids, I would be dead and I'd have killed my own kid…heh, I can't even do that right, I would just…shaking, I feel my eyes beginning to water making me scowl as I cover my eyes. No, stop it, stop it! I don't want kids, I don't want anything, I don't want…to leave anyone behind. I'll die and leave them alone, I'll burden them with my existence from my legacy to the many parties after my head, I couldn't, I couldn't burden my child with that sort of path.
"Asteria," Quickly, I blink back the tears turning to scowl at her, still leaning on the balcony I take another gulp of my drink.
"What now? Come here to gloat," Mockingly, I taunt scowling at her as she takes a step forward.
"I…I never wanted you to see that." Varania argues as I scoff. Sure she didn't like she didn't want me to see her by the man that abused me, used me, manipulated me for my entire life, standing side by side by the man that bought me.
"You sure about that you seemed pretty smug." I roll my eyes, taking another gulp of the rich burning wine.
"I just wanted you to see a small snippet mother and I went through after you and Leto abandoned us," Feebly she argues making me seethe, scowl and glare at her, raising my fist as my ears hear the ring of metal scraping against the stone baloney as I feel my burning blood and adrenaline slowly stop, allowing the stinging pain to register and take away the numbness, which is quickly returned by the sway of my feet and another gulp of wine.
"Abandoned I didn't ask for it. I did it to protect you that guard who I killed today would have done much worse to you," Sharply, I remind her bitterness etched into my trembling tone.
"I'd rather you would have stayed to the side on that day." She snarls turning away as I feel a wave, a tsunami, a hurricane of rage at her words.
"You don't know what you ask for…" Bitterly, I lower my head, shaking my head disgusted by her naïve words.
"I may not but it would have been a better deal than what mother and I endured…" Varania declares snottily as I feel my eyes widen, then narrow and dilate, feeling the hot fiery breathe exhale into the crisp night sky as I feel my muscles tense and my blood boil as I slowly stand.
"Get out."
"Hm?" I hear my sister hum oblivious to my killer aura and intent of blood lust.
"GET OUT!" Roaring, I raise my glass startling her into gasping as she reels back, my ears ringing from the harsh crack of glass, noting the stained wine now running the floor as well as little pieces of glass scattered all over the floor.
"Asteria…" Varania begins. No, no, no, don't pull the whole family card family all they do is hurt you…betray you.
"Don't call me that name!" Frustrated, I bark at her startling her into stunned silence..
"For what it's worth, mother never stopped believing in both you and Leto…"
Silently, I continue staring out at the horizon of Skyhold until shocked, my eyes extend as I feel a familiar burning burst of chunks intermixing with iron begin to crawl up my throat. Quickly, I dash to the nearest bucket, diving my head down into the dark depths as I being vomiting breathing through my nose adjusted to the routine as I continue to vomit, my nose grimacing at the copper vinegar acidic smell of the chunk below me as I release a groan, trying to recover my breathes.
Softly, my ears perk up at the sound of footsteps feeling a familiar soft comforting hand on my back rubbing circles into my back as well as other fingertips brushing behind me, saving my hair from the projectiles of vomit and ruby red.
"Hamin ma vhenan," Solas tells me softly as I feel his smooth lips place on the nape of my neck, making me release a small sob of pain as he silently listens to my broken sobs, my voice hitching, breaking even.
"Ma serannas," Weakly, I whisper as I release another wave of scarlet vomit, feeling Solas' thin but comforting fingertips gently comb through my messy locks as a still silence fills the air, a peaceful one as I remove myself from the toilet, wiping away the vomit. I lay my head on his chest, feeling his arm around my shoulder
"How are you?" He questions concern laced in his tone as I take in a few shaky breathes, trying to recover.
"How'd do you think I'm feeling!?" I snap back wincing at the dryness of my hoarse throat. Pained, I place my hand around my neck, wincing only to feel Solas gently pry me away from the toilet, passing me some water. Grateful, I nod as I feel the cool crisp liquid soothing my burning stinging throat.
"Vhenan…" Solas begins, gently placing the cup aside as I sigh.
"I just….I don't fucking know anymore, what happened today was it worth the price of freedom?" Conflicted, I confess weakly as he and I sit down on my bed, while he sits on top of it, I collapse off my bed, leaning on the bed side.
"Yes it was. Listen to me Vhenan, it was a tragic, it was but freedom…everyone dies Vhenan, everyone, sometimes we can't help them." Solas sighs head down.
"But I can't!" Infuriated, I shout fed up.
"What?" Solas questions confused as I lower my head in shame.
"If I were to have a kid it would be dead," Hurt, I whisper, my tone wobbling.
"We don't know that vhenan." Hopeful, Solas argues gently placing his arms around me as I lean into his embrace.
"We don't?! Solas that woman had a minor amount of lyrium in her, a small tinge and the baby died, it died! Both of them did! My whole body is fused it lyrium underneath my skin I have lyrium within me. I…" Shakily, I explain to him, annoyed angered.
"Don't." Sharply, Solas cuts me off.
"Huh?" Confused, I blink owlishly.
"Freedom is a gift, it is a choice you have given these people the chance to make their first choice ever the most important decision in their life. They are in control what happened today was an extreme case vhenan, you've seen others they do not usually end in the ways ours did." Solas informs me as I turn away, conflicted, he has a point but still.
"But…" I argue feebly, once more, fighting unable to speak.
"Do not let what happen today warp your mind Vhenan," Tenderly, I feel Solas wipe a stray strand of silver from me, making me lean into his touch.
"That still….Solas I can't give you what you want! I failed in the one thing that every guy wants!" Screeching, I shout angered.
"Vhenan please stop…" Pleadingly, Solas begs as I feel his fingertips graze my cheeks, making me lean in further.
"But it's true I can't provide…" I scream turning away grimacing in pain feeling tears threaten to fall as I hold them back, turning my back to him to stand up, shaking.
"Ir abelas, ma vhenan but this doesn't mean anything." Earnestly, Solas tells me as I turn to glance seeing him stand up, feeling his fingertips brush through my hair and his hand on my cheek as I lean in.
"What do you mean?" I question puzzled.
"I know Vhenan, I know of your short lifespan," Pained, Solas reveals making my eyes widen, my eye dilate in shock at his trembling tone.
"You do…?" Stunned, I whisper.
"Yes. That doesn't sway my decision and feelings for you vhenan. Ar lath ma, vhenan," Genuinely, Solas confesses as my eyes widen, his voice breaking, shaking holding in a sob almost by the grim reality. He knows and yet he still stayed? What is wrong with this guy? I can't give him kids. I can't, I'm not pure, I'm not smart, I'm nothing and yet he…? WHY!?
"But…"Frowning, I shake my head lost.
"We will find a way, a cure. I promise you, I will." Firmly, Solas promises my eyes widening as I take in a sharp breathe feeling the energy in my legs leave me as we both collapse to our knees, feeling Solas' temple on my own.
"Solas…" I begin my voice shaking wobbling but before I could receive a proper answer I find myself seeing nothing but black as I fall into the dark depths of the unknown...
*Oooh boy so what did you think of Fen's personal quest?*