"Who died?" Groaning, I scowl as I slump on my bed as I hear the creak of the door, Dorian's voice ringing as I grumble, placing my head down on my bed, trying to muffle my groans pained.
"What do you want Dorian?" Annoyed, I greet the ass feeling a flush of pain and so many memories hurting me as I groan, shaking my head not sure what to say or think.
"Oh, my trouble in paradise?" Teasingly, Dorian chuckles taking a seat on my bedside, on the end of my bed as he looks down at me.
"What gave it away?" Moaning, I question him, my back lying on my bed as my head leans back on the bed, looking up into Dorian's concerned brown hues.
"Solas pouting…" Teasingly, Dorian smirks.
"Pouting?" Scowling, I furrow my brow at the sight of him.
"I don't know how to describe it I mean usually he would come and focus on his desk imagine my surprise to find him being hours later than usual. Just as everyone was about to head to bed only to find him sitting on his fainting couch and sniffling." Dorian confesses as I frown not sure what to say.
"Sniffling?" Perplexed, I raise a brow.
"Well I think he had been crying I don't know he looked pained…" Dorian describes not sure what to say.
"Don't lie." Sternly, I command him.
"What do you mean?" Confused, Dorian raises a brow.
"He was the one who broke it off not me." Coldly, I growl at him.
"What? Wait you two have…" Surprised, Dorian blinks, taken aback as I glumly grab one of my many bottles, hearing the clink of glass as I gulp down the wine, relishing the numbness and dryness of the drink.
"Yep, the fucker broke up with me and I just…I get it now." I mutter not sure what to say.
"Get what?" Dorian raises a brow.
"He used me, the fucker led me on and I get why now." Proudly, I declare getting it now.
"Why then?" Dorian arches a brow.
"It's obvious he used me. He wanted to see my marks, personally, you saw the sketches, he drew of my body, he used me he's no better than…" Slurring, I scowl as my ears ring, hearing another clink of glass, staring at the ruby red puddle below.
"Tevinter abominations…?" Tiredly, Dorian sighs playing along.
"No. He's no better than Denarius…Don't think just because I got tricked by one abomination I'm going to think the same for the rest of the mages…" Seething, I sneer angrily, my nose twitching at the rich sweet smell below.
"I didn't I just how are you?" Concerned, Dorian asks me.
"How do you think I fucking am? I'm angry!" Annoyed, I scowl.
"At him?" Dorian prompts making me scoff.
"Mostly at myself, I let my guard down never in my life have I done that!? He didn't even give me a bloody reason why it's obvious why though…" I sigh.
"And why's that?" He asks me.
"He's done with me, he's done with his little toy, with his little experiment and wants to move on to another test subject to use and manipulate…" Disgusted, I sneer at him.
"Fennic…" Patiently, Dorian begins.
"I just…for fuck sake I've never been dumped before why do I feel so…" Pained, I whisper my voice breaking feeling my throat choke on my sobs as my hands dangle down covering my glassy hues.
"Shit?" Dorian describes.
"Shit." I confirm grumbling.
"It's natural to feel that way." Gently, he assures me placing his hand on my shoulder only making me flinch back, grimacing.
"I want him dead. I want him fucking dead. I want him to die a slow painful death, I want him to be…" Angrily, I snarl under my breath, snarling my hands bawling into a pair of fists.
"I know…I know…" Dorian passes me a ruby red pillow making me sigh happily taking the pillow to slam it into my fist, screaming into it, standing up briefly from lying on my bed, to scream into muffling my battle cries as I note a few faint damp marks below quickly hiding them.
"I can't. I can't show anyone this." I refuse, tossing the pillow aside after a few good nice jabs as I lay back on my bed
"Can't show what?" Perplexed, Dorian furrows his brow as I release an empty chuckle at the fool.
"These emotions if I show him my tears, he'll win, he'll want me to be sad, he'll want me to be angry, he'll want me to be hurt. I can't show him that if I do he'll win, I refuse to let him win." Resolute, I declare lowly, it's what he wants just like him, he wanted to see me break but no one will ever see me break, I refuse, I made that mistake once I won't make it again, I can't risk it, I refuse to show my weakness again, if I do…I refuse to be hurt again, I refuse to be taken advantage of again, I refuse to be used….
"Fennic that isn't…is that how you and Denarius?" Delicately, Dorian begins, glancing to the side as I note his hands bawling up. Shaking, I groan. Shuffling, I stand up, taking another of my glasses and taking another heft gulp passing it over to him as he takes a small sip, patiently waiting for me.
"Denarius wanted to break me. He wanted me to freak out. He wanted me to cry. I refuse to let him win, he wanted to see my tears a right I refuse to give him and one I will not allow that scumbag's ambition to come to fruition." Grimly, I begin, leaning against one of my many pillars on my bed, my brow furrowed as I remember his smirk, his smug smile, his mischievous joy at the sight of my crumpled form beneath his feet.
"Fennic I…" Shakily, Dorian begins tears threatening to fall making me bow my head, chuckling.
"Can we just drink and shit I just…?" I offer.
"Of course…Legacy white shear? Aqua magus or Sun Blonde Vint-1?" Tiredly, Dorian gives in as I hear the click of glass seeing him kneel down, reading the labels.
"Whatever one will make me forget the most will be fine…" I confess pushing myself back on the bed, snatching one of the vials and downing it, wanting to numb it all…he won't see me weak I won't let him win…I won't let another abomination get the better of me.
"So…what waz ig like beih a sleve?" Slurring, Dorian breaks the still silence between us as I groan leaning back as my head lies on the crook of his neck.
"Do you have oany isdea what's ait limke? Being a slave, beting foredc down as a 30ish 40ish ambominamtion takeys you, hits ywou, forces you to do oignhts you'd nevre do…" Slurring, I grumble as I move from side to side, on the end of my bed, leaning agsisnt the bed the pair of us leaning against one another, drinking two separate bottles, gulping it down.
"I cowuldnt'…" Dorian mumbles.
"di hate iyt wrhen people pity rme btu ii hvate hewn they ssay i undstnaernd. how macn ypou understand ihow can you understand having ymour flesh bunred, cleaved, markevd lby a rustic kinife ipmkaled into each and everyone avein fin your flesh, feeling the rustegd blavde click and sometiumes evehn the ubone being sharped, cput downp, srhaevn evern, whenever i brreak wa bonme now xi 'odnt ffucking feeol wit! ym abones have bkeen narrowed zto ma point cof which gi don't even know whavt's inoside anyhmore!" Emptily, I cackle at the thought, my ears ringing hearing the sobs breaking through.
"Fen iff I haed kowen I would have…" `Quietly, Dorian begins making me scoff.
"kif you had what? Don't lire. i know hdow this goes, you're not the firsft and won't bhe the last one dto soay tfhat. if yuo had known it wouldn't have meade a difference and we both know that. we both know if we nhad met before…" Grimly, I shake my head at the sad fact, he wouldn't have bat an eye before, no one else had, everyone saw the bruises, the cuts, the limping but did they care? They didn't even bat an eye to it.
"I just…I lave ya you kniw that. You're…" He begins.
" Yew know…I usaw a woman rush vover ato my side, ayn old woman wshe had thce bvravery txo dhart vero to em, to sneak past tlhe gjrduas and she grabbaed me, lcalling me a name i vhad never heavrd orf astreria. szhe asw shaking me, cryingf, clinging to em, pleading for me to remember her but all i felt was fera and pai,n dher touch alone caused mxy marks to flare bin pain zat somue strangevr grabbing ume, pletading for zme to listqen mas next thing i knefw i hkad hiht her uto thye groundv. I nxearly keilled hre if master detnarius hadn't intervened." Bitterly, I whisper closing my eyes grimacing at the memory of the fantic woman having no idea, no idea she…Pained, I feel tears glisten in my eyes as I try to blink it back.
"Whet Heepned to her?" Dorian whispers, his brow furrowed.
"She gozt whipped mof corjuse, she was dragged uot cin rthe opean as si watched thne stranger be torn frolm me, thney threw her zon eht pillar they often sued yto execute dor beta jsome elveus and used blovod migac on vher, shye lost ehsr eseyl, ei remmbeer thje blood poouling otut ags she scareamed out tthat asteruia npame, reachign quot tzo me weirdly renough sa shke was nthen spared and hamd hber abck rppied open to be whipped anod stharhed then taken somewhere else, zno wdoubt tox...if you catcdh on..." Ashamed, I confess to Dorian, my brow furrowed as I move from side to side at the memory. She was clinging to me, trying to help me remember but I was so scared, I was terrified, I was petrified. The only person who I knew I could trust back then was Denarius when this person who I thought I didn't know was clinging to me, begging for me, calling me a name I had long forgotten.
"Wait so the only reasno eh told yopu dwas to ushe your brotuher jas blackmail. why did you belivee him?" Baffled, Dorian furrows his brow as I groan at the point.
"Becaeus ehe wahs the onxly one I could. in that mindsget of nmine back then wi kwen rno one. I was pyractically rebsorn. I knew no onke, I had no one, eht only persvon I hwas in contact with wahs danerius, he was possessive if I ever spoke tto yneona the nzext bday vi would hsave hto wawtch as ythey would be bematen oxr killed. Hze was the only fipgure in my lfie who gave mse lveo, he madce me think love was a manfiuvtlipae tool to use. thanks rto his lversion jof cloev, I...I became soenoem pi wyasn't prboud iof…" Upset, I whisper, he was the only one I knew I thought I could trust, I knew no one after the lyrium the first person I met was him and he was my only way out of this.
"Whet do ya mean?" Dorian mutters drinking his glass.
"The perspon li became was...someokne who hi detested. ri useod pweople, i manipuliated pejople, yi lhurt hso myan people just to gejt pmy way, to svruive, tto ecnrude. sometimbes he would beat me nand i bthouhgt othat was love, rsommtiees hfe woauld omake me udo things not even i nwatned teo duo. cofnsent was a feongri concrept ato mqe. idf i disagreetd yon gsomething ihe owould remind rme of my brorhte of doizng the osame to him. ii couldn't let the only family i htad left be hsurt beecsau of my selfitsh emotions...I even thougpht olf killing mylsef, I tried a pfew timeis but...I rwould alawys be "smaedv" anyd tghen punished..." I explain to him, scowling down at the ground.
"What meade yoeu realieze yosu were more?" Curious, Dorian asks me.
"Him. I...I treateeed him badly, he was looking out for me, Adam was...I never understood what owe wefre. we were both kduis in tevinter, he wanted to fight and i wanted tfo survive. heh, he wiould have beebn ia slave if i hadn'ct interveden and asked him zto be my guard. denarius hda believed my escagpades in the nigth were due to envious magistrates trying to steal ,em hye had no idea I waks otu there, having fun, stealing cesrets, it was amusing almost..." Pained, I confess to Dorian as next thing I know, I feel a wave of heaviness flow through my eyelids, thinking back on him, his blonde locks with hints of ruby red, his gorgeous green hues if I had just been kinder, if I had been better he wouldn't have ended up the way I left him, if I hadn't been so selfish I wouldn't have betrayed him…I'm sorry Adam I am so sorry…upset, I bow my head as I close my eyes, hearing the soft snores of Dorian as I close my eyes delving into the dark abyss of my memories once more.