Okay so like I used to like Chris, but know I don't know, so in this story I shall take out all my aggression. Oh and I really like Smallville even if this is a major insult to its morals and good standings. What morals and good standings? Lana just talks about her dead parents, makeup, and stupid idiot boyfriends.
But really, I think Michael Rosenbaum is hot. So thank you writers for getting him kidnapped every other episode. Oh and a major thank you to whose ever idea it was to make him lose his shirt every other episode.
Part V: A Story Of Stories (and you thought the title is complicated)
Do you know the muffin man? I know the muffin man. But do you know the muffin man?
The muffin man was once a vigilante (I don't know what the word means but it sounds cool) primitive, caveman descended from apes like us all. Then on the day of the meteor shower he was baking muffin mix. A meteor hit his bakery then, the combination of the radiation and the mix on his face has made him the muffin man. Dun dun dun…So really no change.
Well wait, first I would like to point out that last chapter was an alternative universe branch off of ours, which (as you know) is a branch off of the original. So in last chapter's alternative a lot of people decide to be open about how they truly feel…but that is not the point so now I return us to our own original ALTERINTIVE SMALLVILE! And, yes, I did put a lot of thought into that excuse. And also if you read it carefully it will make sense. If you're high on catnip, that will also help clarify. Wait a second…
Anyway, Clark wanted a muffin. So did Chris. They both like muffins. And when I say like, I mean love, I mean 'I will die for the muffin!' love, and I mean do you get the picture already? So they both went their separate ways, on the same quest.
"Hey! Look," Clark yelled, "I've found my self! See? See! I'm right here!"
And I'm right here at a computer, making you look stupider than a monkey's butt.
Everyone inside the store stared at him. Clark's eye began to twitch and his arms were still waving around in the middle of the hardware store. "Well, anyway has anyone see the muffin man?" he asked.
All the lights clocked out and the store keeper held a flashlight up to his chin. "No," he said eerily, "but you must await a sign!"
The lights clocked on as if nothing had happened. Well Clark went outside and found himself walking straight into a sign. It said: SEE ThE MUfFiN MaN TONIGHT ThE bAr.
But as we all know Clark can't read to save his life. For all he knew (which wasn't much) the sign could have said, 'Illiterate? Write for help! Call 1-800-THE-MUFFIN-MAN!'
Anyway Lex was at his mansion smelling the roses. Which as we all know can make you invisible. So what does Lex do? STRIP DOWN! dgkilsfsaf Excuse, me computer glitch, I was, uh, drooling on the keyboard. Of, course though he was invisible so no one saw him with out his shirt off. But since I'm the author he turned visible for two seconds at the Talon to show off his nice physique. Two seconds though. Asdfsdf Sorry, I must be drooling too much. Dumb fantasies …
Clark was of course having apple juice at the Talon when this happened, he also drooled, but I guess this was because he was using his x-ray vision on Lana.
But really, I think it is time to shake things up. Dim the lights, play it again Sam, and tip your hat…
(a/n change of pov it's clarkie!)
A breeze rolled through the Talon, and I sat stiff and rigid like a fish. I sipped my juice quietly; I was almost ready to make the first move. I needed to make the first move. The muffin man was my target. But there she was all dazzling and sexy, I couldn't help but use my x-ray vision on the babe, then that streaker was in the way.
Sigh, my life is like cheese. It is on the yellow alert; danger is always already to strike. Plus I like cheese. And cows, yeah cows, but mostly cheese. Cheese, ah, did you know? My life is like cheese…
I stood up and walked out of that place with my trench coat flowing. I decided I try a look at the local bakery's first.
Three hours and sixty doughnuts later I couldn't find the muffin man. And I had a feeling someone was fowling me. Every time I help up a doughnut it disappeared just as fast as Lana's makeup supply. Was there someone invisible? (a/n am I the master of subtle hints or what?)
"Yes." a deep voice responded.
AHH! I turned around as fast as Lana could switch boyfriends. It spooked me so I left… up, up, and away just like Lex's hair. But as you know I am naturally very balanced,
"Not true" the same voice replied.
Ahem, anyway, it took me buy surprise when I accidentally knocked over the flour. Only to discover a bold masculine figure in flour making stealthy foot prints behind me.
I turned around and smacked that daddy. He made a grunt; fell sideways and I still don't know were he went.
Okay, new POV, k readers? K. Turn up the lights and stop playing it again Sam.
Meanwhile there was a major disruption in girl's lingerie section at Wal Mart. There was either a ghost or someone invisible breaking into the changing rooms.
Clark, how ever had found shiny object to distract him-self long enough for me to switch the scene.
The muffin man was looking for a cold hard stiff drink. He was hopping for a glass of milk with his muffin but for the sake of the plot he took a wrong turn at Blueberry Street and ended up at the bar.
There seemed to be an invisible person stealing drinks at the Wild Coyote bar. It was really strange. But invisible, nah!
Several people were already drinking heavy.
"My visions? Nah, just hallucinations of the LSD," Cassandra chuckled
The muffin man sat quietly at the far edge. Just then a flannel trench coat figure stepped in. The wind swirled around him. His hat was tipped low as he said to the bartender, "One apple juice please." His voice was dark and rusty. He was Clark Kent.
Then our favorite billionaire walked in an orange spaghetti strap dress. He was muttering something about, "If anyone else tells me I have a fat ass again I swear to God..." He made a strangling motion with his hands. "What? The invisible stuff wore off on Blueberry Street and I had to buy this from a hooker… AR!" He slapped his forehead.
Clark stared at Lex, "Were you the invisible man following me all day?"
Lex picked up a drink. It quickly disappeared from his hands. He was about to make a retort when Chris, in no clothing appeared next to him with his drink. Everyone shielded his eyes until I drew him in a tight fitting dress for him to wear. When they all opened their eyes he was wearing a pink mini dress. I laugh.
Clark shook his head to clear it off the pre-stated visions. He looked up and said, "Has anyone seen the muffin man?"
From the back there was a heavy sigh. The muffin man. "But who are you really," Lex asked.
She shook her head… it was Lana! Desperate for a muffin Chris attacked her. "Te he, you really thought that…? I? Me? Oh you are so silly! Men." She giggled and walked off.
Chris looked around dazed. "But? But! What about my muffin?"
Yes, his muffin. Who was the muffin man really? The world may never now.
Okay, okay, I'll tell you.
Just then DR. SWAN wheeled in. He ordered tequila. Then looked up at the crowd, "I have a secret; I am the muffin man…"
Chris quickly attacked him.
And from his many wounds. Swan laid on the floor as he began to talk Chris stopped munching on the muffin for a moment just to listen.
"Y'all wanna know how I lost my legs?" he began, "It was on that fateful day, when I, the muffin man, (this made Chris twitch) was making doughnuts."
There was a collective gasp form the audience.
"Yes, I was trying something new. Unfortunately in a horrible accident I was crippled."
Chris jumped. He pounced once more with a professional NFL tackle. "MY MUFFIN!" he screamed.
Dr. Swan raised a feeble hand to finish his tragic tale, "So here I am before you, in all I am of my former glory: the Muffin Man."
Chris's eyes twitched more rapidly. Lex looked down and said, "But what is your power?"
"I make muffins."
Chris was for now content with the two he had. Chloe however then stomped in; she and Lana were hooked at the elbows. Chloe looked up perkily, and with her other hand pulled out a tape recorder. Her eyes gleaming with a reporter's intellect she began, "Sooo…You say, you say you make MUFFINS?"
She, with Lana attached to her arm, began to pace. Chris said some sort of retort but his mouth was full so no one understood.
"Muffins indeed," she began musing, "I have a theory on this! I shall investigate this im-..."
She was then slapped by Lana. "Don't forget! We're here for a reason! Tell Clark our decision!" Lana hissed in here ear.
"Ah-ha!" Chloe snapped her fingers and turned to face Clark. " Clark!"
She began slowly so he could understand. " Lana, L-A-N-A and I, E-Y-E, are sick, S-I-C-K of YOU, Y-O-U!"
Clark hugged a lone muffin for comfort, so many words! And she was still talking!
"So we are DATING EACH OTHER!" Chloe finished with a wild hand motion. Lana blushed, but it was hard to tell because of her makeup.
There was silence in the bar. Suddenly a horse walked in on the grim scene. He looked at them all and said, "What's with the long faces?"
The bartender snorted, "Look who's talking!"
Unfortunately, before the first ever fight between a bartender and a horse happened, a cow walked through the doors. She loudly said, "Hey! Stop this fight its udder-ly ridiculous! And besides you wouldn't believe what's happening outside… the chicken is about to cross the road!"
Dr. Swan stood up, "No way!" And stomped off outside.
Most people shrugged, but Chloe slapped Lana back. They all shuffled out though in the end to see history in the making.
Outside the curb the chicken flapped her wings. Next to her an excited decapitated head bobbed up and down. "C'mon, c'mon! Let's go!"
The chicken stared at the head she mouthed, "B…r….i…n…g it ON!"
At this the chicken put her foot on the asphalt. The head rolled behind her. Then something unexpected happened, I mean this was pretty unexpected. No really, the truck like came out of no were!
And well, the decapitated head is now deceased. The chicken however, made it safely. When she reached the other side Lex looked to the sky and said, "It's my dad's fault!"
He broke down sobbing when someone else whispered he had a fat ass.
But in the aftermath the bartender remarked on the one causality: "He should have stopped while he was ahead."
The bad jokes stopped there though when Chris keeled over coughing. He's now in ICU. And I think I got to wrap this up since I just heard his heart monitor go flat...
Which means the moral of this story is not to take muffins from strange men, or the muffin man.
So now you know the muffin man.