Dirty Little Secret- Chapter 2- No More

Author's notes- So Sorry about the delay on getting the next chapter. I'm writing this on my college choir tour and posting it as soon as I get to an internet connection. Which weather willing is tonight, I don't want to be snowed into Colorado. This chapter is different then I initially planned thanks to my wonderfully supportive boyfriend who even though he isn't really into RENT or fanfiction is reading this anyway.

Disclaimer- I don't own anything. Have I mentioned poor college student?

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Mimi's POV

Roger's Bed- Middle of the same night

I suddenly jerk awake.

I'm alone.

Not again Roger, Not again!

Tears stream down my face.

Roger Why? Why Mark? Am I not enough for you?

I sit up and pull my legs tight to my chest and grip my knees,.

I'm alive because of him. The tears flow down my face in waves. I hear muffled noises from outside the room.

Definitely Roger and Mark. I would know their voices anywhere.

Damn it Roger. I'm supposed to be yours forever. I'm loyal. I'm clean. I'm female. What does he want? A yappy little filmmaker who follows him around asking him whether or not he took his AZT?

I don't know what they are doing out there, but it doesn't matter. Roger can yell all he wants that he doesn't have feelings for Mark and how much he loves me.

At first I believed him. I had caught him completely off guard by accusing him of it. Like he was shocked that I could he ask such a thing.

But now?

His fight is getting weaker.

I can/t take this anymore, I love him, I can't take this caca.

He lies next to me every night. But Mentally…

I can see it in his eyes. He told me. I could see his love for me in his eyes when he sang that damn song to me.

In his eyes now all I can see is fear, and love for someone else. Not me. Call it a woman's intuition. Call it whatever you want. I don't care. Roger does not love me.

I feel the anger fly up through me.

I have the evidence now. Los ojos. The eyes.

Why haven't I thought about it before now?

His eyes of love and understanding, of needing me, and only me are gone. Now that I think about it. They've been gone awhile.

He's been lying to me. And himself, I suppose…

But he lied,

I've never lied to him! Or cheated, even mentally…Benny's just a jerk.

When, Angel, mi hermana, my brother, my friend, was dying of the same damn disease that was slowly draining the life from Roger, Collins and me. Roger was trying to avoid it all. Probably because of that April girl. A lot of his scars are because of her. He couldn't handle facing it head on.

I stayed strong for Angel, but inside I was dying too. And not from HIV.

It wasn't till then that I went back to Benny. Alison was driving him loco and Roger…

But Roger is cheating on me right in front of me. I don't even know if it's sexual…

eww. I don't want to think about that.

I don't even know if Mark loves him back- but I do know Roger leaves me almost every night for his filmmaker.

I've stopped crying. I can't handle losing any more tears.

I'm going to leave. Go back to my apartment downstairs and try to forget…

What am I going to tell him? Who am I kidding? He won't even notice I'm gone.

I'm angry. Wow, am I just now figuring this out?

If he didn't really love me, why did he come back for me? Why am I alive? Why did Angel tell me to go back to him…?

Just thinking about being without Roger is terrifying. Will I go back to my drug of choice?

Now I'm hacked at me. How could I not have enough faith in myself to keep clean?

I don't need Roger or anyone really to keep me clean. I'm a strong woman, Right?

Right?

I'm twenty years old. I have my own place and a steady job.

Not the most respectable job-being an S&M dancer isn't glamorous but it keeps food on the table and AZT in my veins. And now that I'm not using, I even have savings.

I hear a door shut rather loudly. Was that Mark's door?

Is Roger coming back from his night of passion?

Ewwwwwwwwwww. Not with that again!

I'm leaving. I'm gone. No more. No more tears. No more fights. I gotta get outta here.

I can be my own woman. Without Roger, Without Mark.

I hear another door shut, and then his feet heading towards this room. I glare at the door waiting for it to open.

He enters. He sees me. His face is unreadable. Slightly Pink and his hair is wet near his face. His eyes are red.

Did Marky work him hard tonight? You know brain stop thinking about things that I don't want to think about.

I get out of the bed. Might as well start the fight, right? No day but today

I go to Roger's closet and start to pull all of my clothes from it. Throwing them on the bed. I pull shoes out and start throwing them on the bed.

"Mimi?" Roger questions my sudden behavior.

"I'm leaving, Roger." I can't stay here much longer without crying again…Need to leave soon…

I go next to the dresser. Pulling the folded clothes out and laying them on the bed.

Roger looks pained. But maybe that's how he looked before. I don't know anymore.

"Mimi…" hmm cat got his tongue? This defiantly is different, we'd normally both be yelling by now. Fighting, I want to fight! It will make this easier. Yell at me!

Roger!" I yell "You don't love me, so I'm gone!"

"Mimi…I…I…I L…"

"See Roger, you can't even say it!" I'm almost shouting.

"Mimi shhhh…You'll wake up Mark." Even this he says quietly

"Don't you dare bring him into this! But then again of course you would" I'm yelling still. "Your girlfriend is leaving you and all you're worried about is your poor precious Marky"

I know that was a low blow, but I'm tired of all this bullshit. I need him to see that this is it. This is the end of the road for Roger and Mimi.

"Mimi…you don't understand." Roger makes no attempt to stop me. Probably figuring that this inevitable.

"Understand?...Understand! You're in love with your best friend! Not me! What is left to understand, Roger? I can't do it anymore! It's all or nothing, and I can't be nothing to you anymore!"

I'm yelling. Fuck Mark.

"Mimi, stop yelling. Please? You are right, I…I…I do have feelings for Mark. There's more to that though, but I'm not getting into all that shit tonight... But you are wrong about one thing, I do love you. Maybe not as much as I should, or in the way that I should, but you still have a hold on my heart."

"No Roger, I can't…Even if you do, it's just fading into nothing. I don't want to be here when it does. I can't take anymore of this shit, Roger…"

I'm speaking softer, but crying again.

"Mimi…"

I start to gather up my things and start to try and walk out the door. I'm expecting him to try and stop me.

Wait, did he just pick up a pile of my stuff? He's following me! He's helping me move out. The prick really doesn't love me anymore.

We go to the loft door and down the stairs into the apartment below. He puts the clothes down on my bed. Tears are streaming down his face.

"Why are you helping me leave you?" I must know why. I need to know why. I've done breakups plenty of times but they have never been like this.

"Because I do care for, and I realize that my heart isn't being fair to you. Maybe if I help, then maybe we could still be friends? Well, I realize that will be hard. But I do still care for you and would like to be able to help in some way."

He's rambling. He's cute when he rambles; this is going to be hard.

Too hard.

I melt.

"Roger… friends will be hard, but I guess it could be possible. Give me time."

Time- the one thing Roger and I don't have,

I still love him.

Roger turns to leave.

I make no attempt to stop him.

I wait till I hear the door shut, and then I sit on my bed and cry. I'll get the rest of my clothes later.

This is for the best.

For Me. For Roger. For Mark…

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AN: Well I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. I like reviews. Please review, I know you want a Mark chapter…maybe…soon…Patience. You will get one.