Pam awoke on Tuesday morning with the feel of Jim's naked body beside her. It was so unlike Roy's; he felt sturdy and meaningful and warm. Every morning that she awoke beside Roy, Pam felt less and less secure. And every time she fell asleep beside him, she felt more and more empty. For a moment, she tried frantically to determine why she was at his house and in his bed. She had forgotten to analyze what brought her here while she was watching him sleep. He breathed beautifully, his toned chest rising and falling in perfect rhythm. His lips were slightly parted, as if he were about to say something, but the only sound he made came from the steady puffs of breath that escaped from his mouth. Pam watched as his eyes moved rapidly beneath his lids, and she wondered if he was dreaming about her.
Then, the memories of last night flooded her mind. They came rapidly. She wondered if he was dreaming of the previous night, and whether or not it would make him blush with embarrassment from regret or embarrassment from sheer delight when he awoke and realized the situation. When he awoke, would he turn to her, realize it was her, and then smile? Or would he awake, turn to her, realize it was her, and then try to hold back a disdainful look? Pam wondered if she should stay around to find out. She could slip out quietly now without disturbing him. He looked much like he did when he was awake--peaceful and reserved. She could leave now and never know.
"Hey Pam," Jim had said, confused when he saw her waiting at his car.
It was Monday evening, and Jim had just gotten off work. When he arrived that morning and realized by lunchtime that Pam wasn't coming in, he felt disappointed. It seemed nowadays the only reason he even came to work was to be near her. Without her there, his job seemed even more unbearable. It was during days like these that he contemplated leaving Dunder-Mifflin. It was during days like these that he caught a glimpse of what life might be like after she was married and gone.
So, when he took the elevator down to the parking lot and glanced over at his Corolla, he was surprised to see her there. Immediately, he looked away, to make it seem that he wasn't truly excited to see her there. But in that instant that he saw her leaning against his car, he noticed that she was dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt. She was wearing sneakers, and her hair was pulled back in a different style than usual. He noticed how she crossed her right leg over her left, and that her arms were crossed as well. It was a defensive move, he knew. She was protecting herself from something.
"Hey Pam," were the only words he could think of to say.
It wasn't 'What are you doing here?' or 'Where were you today?' Because the simple fact was that he didn't truly care. He could never absolutely be interested in the things she did without him. All that mattered now was that she was here, in front of him, and safe. She seemed to relax when he came to greet her. Her arms dropped to her sides and she stood up straight.
"Hey," she replied.
He stuck his key into the door and swiftly unlocked it. She watched him as he tossed his bag into the car, then turned to her, loosening his tie. He looked free now, she decided. He looked as if he were finally in the place he wanted to be.
"Can we go somewhere?" she asked.
Pam glanced at the clock by his bed. It was almost eight. She directed her eyes to his window and saw that it was cloudy and discontent outside. Perfect weather for the worst day of her life. She took the opportunity to glance around his room. She remembered it now that she was coherent. Needless to say, the night before had been a blur. It looked exactly as she remembered it from the barbeque. In the days following the after-work get together, and after sitting on Jim's bed and feeling how light and plush it was underneath her, Pam had fallen asleep to the thoughts of what it would feel like to be naked with him under the sheets. She felt Jim stir beside her. He mumbled something incoherent, his smooth lips finally pursing together before he tangled himself in the sheets even more. She bit back a smile as she realized that her fantasies had become reality.
For a moment, the thought of never leaving entered her mind. She could just stay there by his side for as long as she wanted. It all felt so right to her, so true and remarkable. There was no other moment in her life that she could remember ever feeling so complete. Not when she met Roy, and especially not when they became engaged. And perhaps she had thought she was complete at the time, but now that she had felt the real thing, it would be difficult to return to normal life without feeling a sense of dread. It would be hard to look at Roy again after being with Jim. It was like eating plain cereal after you've just had sugared. It would never be as sweet.
They arrived at the restaurant. The sun had completely set by then and Pam found that she enjoyed riding in Jim's car. Even Jim's driving was better than Roy's. The way he deliberately took turns slower and braked more easily while she was in the car made Pam feel important. He engaged her in fluffy, insignificant conversation. She appreciated that he didn't ask too many questions. He even let her choose which station to listen to.
"Roy and I are leaving tomorrow," she announced.
He paused, a spoon full of clam chowder poised at his lips. When the waitress had come and suggested that he order the soup-of-the-day, announcing that it was the best clam chowder in Scranton, Jim decided he couldn't pass it up. Then, he turned to Pam and said,
"The best clam chowder in Scranton? It's probably the only clam chowder in Scranton."
He swallowed the soup that was already in his mouth before putting his spoon beside his bowl. Pam wasn't sure whether she should be angry that he was reacting stoically or if she should be elated because it perhaps entailed something more. He crossed his arms on the table, and she continued,
"Roy found another job in Reading. They said that if he wanted it, then he had to start the day after tomorrow. So, we're packing as much as we can now until we can come back on the weekend and finish."
"So, you're leaving Dunder-Mifflin?" he asked.
"I can't exactly drive to Scranton every day," she replied, her voice slightly harsher than she intended it to be, "It would be more like a road trip than a commute."
But she wasn't angry at him. She wasn't angry that he just asked a rather silly question. The drive between the two cities was nearly two hours. She was angry that she was having to tell him this at all. It irked her that she had thought about how this conversation was going to go all day and now she found she couldn't fish out a complete thought of any kind.
"Well, congratulations," Jim announced, clearing his throat.
Now she was angry that he wasn't being honest. He always cleared his throat and lost his appetite when something was on his mind. But she let it slide, which made her angry, too.
"Yeah, I told Michael about it on Friday after everybody left," she said, "It was kind of short notice, but he didn't seem to mind. He said that he had all kinds of receptionists stowed away for a rainy day."
Jim managed a laugh, "Sounds like something Michael would say."
"Yeah, it does," Pam replied.
And that was what was so terrible about it all. Pam would no longer feel comfortable. She wouldn't be in a safe place with Jim by her side every day. No more games of solitaire on her computer or wistful glances in Jim's directions. There would be no more of Michael's horrible jokes or Dwight's playful antics. She wouldn't have to put up with Angela's tidiness or Kelly's incessant babbling. All of the people whom she had grown to find so many inconsistencies in were all of the people she had grown to feel so comfortable around.
Especially Jim.
Pam quickly dressed, having to sneak quietly around the room to find her clothing. It made her think about how it had the felt the previous night to just give into impulse. A long, overdue impulse. Jim wasn't demanding; he wasn't hurried. It seemed that all he wanted to do was savor the moment. All he wanted was to slow it all down, so he could capture it in his memory and store it away in case it never happened again.
She sat at his desk and pulled on her sneakers. Deliberately tying the laces slower than normal, she half-heartedly hoped that he would awaken before she left. Maybe it would give them a chance to talk about the things they hadn't discussed last night. It all began so quickly, that any kind of conversation about viable options to her situation was discarded.
She sighed as she realized there were no viable options. She was leaving today with Roy and a truck full of suitcases and boxes. The night before last, she had stayed up packing while Roy snored in their bed. She packed away the important stuff that they would need until the weekend; their clothes, the computer, a few kitchen supplies, and other random things. She found the teapot that Jim gave her for Christmas. She peered inside and saw all of the other things he included. It made her smile. Then, she ran across the sweater and music player Roy had given her. His gifts seemed less real than Jim's. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she had gotten any kind of meaningful gift from Roy. The sound of Roy mumbling in his sleep caused Pam to quickly stuff the teapot inside one of the boxes, while she left the sweater and music player to be packaged on the weekend.
The memory of that night quickly left her mind as the cab she just called honked loudly outside. Glancing at Jim to see if it disturbed him, she realized that he must be really content if he could sleep through all of the noise and movement around him. It would have made her smile had she not felt completely alone. She grabbed her purse off of Jim's desk and quietly slipped out of his room.
They rode back to his place after eating, upon his insistence. After the dull and forced conversation at the restaurant, he told her that he wanted to give her something. He was tired of asking her questions about where she would find another job or if she and Roy had already found another place to live. Because all of the questions he asked didn't involve what kind of role he would play in her future. And he was beginning to doubt that he would even be a part of it.
When they arrived, he brought her to his room where he pulled out the medal she had made for him out of paperclips and yogurt lids. He fingered it for a few moments, thinking about how every now and then he would pull it out and just hold it because it made him feel as if he were holding a part of her. She didn't know this, but he felt awkward holding it in front of her now with those thoughts in his head.
"I was going to give this to you," he said, "As a wedding present."
"Why?" she asked.
"I just thought that you would like to have it," he laughed, "Besides, isn't getting married sort of like winning a race?"
She managed a smile, "I suppose."
"And now, you can have it so you'll be able to remember all of us at Dunder-Mifflin," he continued, shrugging.
"I can't take this," she said, "I made it for you."
"Yeah, but I have an excellent memory. Plus, I'm not the one leaving," he said, and almost winced at how bitter his words sounded, "You'll look at this in forty years when you have grandchildren and tell them how glad you are that you got out of there."
She laughed, "I don't think so."
And that was when she leaned in to kiss him. She couldn't bear to hear him talk about her not being there. It frightened her. It made her feel as if she were dying, and in a sense, part of her would be. She wanted to feel what it would be like to feel alive, and the only thing she could think of that would make her feel that way was Jim.
He didn't resist her, just wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer. It was a relief and a strain all at once. This was a moment that she had always allowed herself to think about, but never let herself expect. It used to all make her feel so guilty. But now, all it felt was right.
Jim was slow in undressing her, taking the time to explore every newly exposed part of her body. It made her feel bashful and wanted. He kissed her everywhere with light, airy kisses that made her heart flutter. She remember how good it felt just to be naked against him, and for a few moments, she didn't think about what was to come, she just let herself think about how perfect his body was. He was lean and toned and every part of his body seemed just right. She explored him with her hands, and he let her. Willingly and urgently, he let her.
They made love slowly and passionately. Pam never thought that sex could be that way. She never thought that she could move her body in rhythm with another. It seemed rather impossible until that moment that she could ever have a man inside her and have it feel as if they were completing each other. Instead of closing her eyes like she had grown accustomed to, she watched him steadily. He was concentrated and relaxed all at once. It seemed to her that he was perfecting her while at the same time letting everything just happen.
They collapsed against each other, and Pam was disappointed that it was over. But as soon as the despair began to fill her again, just as her heart began to feel cold and foreign again, he pulled her closer and kissed her face. He didn't turn to watch television or suddenly dissolve into a peaceful slumber. He regarded her with a look in his eyes that she knew could be love. But since she couldn't be sure whether or not anyone had ever looked at her like that, she didn't know if it were so. He didn't say the words, nor did he say anything else until she finally let her exhaustion from nights of worry overtake her, causing her to fall fast, and deeply, asleep.
Jim awoke and panicked. It was nearly nine o'clock. He wasn't afraid of being late to or missing work. Hell, he couldn't care less if he never went back. It was when he reached out beside him and found the bed empty that he felt his heart ache. She was gone. He knew she would be, even when they were making love the previous night, he had begrudgingly let the thought enter his mind that when the morning came he may never see her again. But, it only made him more passionate. Sitting up and glancing about the room, the only clothes on the floor were his. He felt an emptiness inside that he had never felt before. Not when he watched Roy come in day after day and kiss her and take her home with him. Not when he failed to tell her how he felt every time they were alone. It was the distinct feeling that he had experienced her once, and now it was over.
He showered and washed his body, regretful that he had to wash her off of him. But it was only the first step of getting over her. He dried himself and went to dress. Looking at himself in the mirror as he knotted his tie, he wondered where she was. But he knew exactly what she was doing. She and Roy were loading the last of their boxes into the back of his truck. She would probably shed a tear, and he would probably scold her for being so childish. They would climb into the truck and start their journey together. Pam was starting her new life without him. Perhaps that's what hurt the most. Because he had grown content with just existing beside her without actually being with her. Just her presence was what made his life bearable. It was what made him care about getting up in the morning. And now that she would be gone, it wasn't so much that they would never again have the experience they shared last night, but that he would never be beside her again.
He got to work an hour late, but the only person that seemed to notice was Dwight. His day was filled with flashes on the previous night; thoughts of her breath on the back of his neck as she clung to him, the image of her being shy as he undressed her and look at the real her for the first time, the feel of her warm body beside his as he watched her fall asleep. He glanced over at the reception desk, but it was empty. All of her personal things were gone. A few times he went to grab a piece of candy, but it wasn't the same.
The day felt longer than normal. Most days without Pam there felt like torture. But especially this day, because he knew that she wouldn't be coming back the next day from being ill or the next week from vacation. She was gone for sure. Somebody else would take her job, but never fill her place. He finally collected his things at the end of the day and took the elevator to the parking lot.
And there she was, beside his car. This time he didn't pretend that he didn't notice her until he was standing in front of her. This time, he let her know every step of the way, with his eyes and his smile, that he saw her and loved her. He let her know that she had made the right decision. And when he finally reached her, she didn't have to uncross her arms this time, because they were already there, around his neck.