How dare you.

How could you do this to me and just... just write a letter and think somehow that would make everything all better! Bastard. Moron. Idiot! You think just because we had it rough that somehow makes it okay? Well it's not okay! We all had it rough. My life was a mess before I ever set foot in Rukongai.

What're you trying to accomplish, sending me that stupid letter? Was it supposed to be an apology? Cuz I sure as hell didn't hear an "I'm Sorry" in there. You never were sorry. Don't regret your past mistakes, didn't you say that? Just keep going then huh. Keep going for whatever you think is so important that you'd step over everything just to get to it. Is that all I ever was to you? A doormat? A stepping stone? I trusted you Gin. Even when everyone else said horrible things, I still trusted you. I told 'em to keep their damn mouths shut, but you know what Gin? They were right. You really are a monster.

And why I'm getting so upset over a monster like you. It pisses me off, you know that? It makes me wanna-

"Matsumoto?" the young captain's voice hit me and I dropped the papers all over the floor. Orihime went out shopping and left the place to me, so I thought I'd be able to reply to the strange, stupid letter in silence.

He crouches down to help pick up the mess, but I wave his hand away, "Don't worry about it. Just some paperwork." He looks at me in amazement and I remember just how young he is. Child prodigy, a captain at his age. Makes me feel like a fool sometimes. I know what he's thinking, Matsumoto never does the paperwork. She just sits around all the time. "Don't look so surprised," I add as an afterthought.

I shouldn't be doing this at all. When Gin's letter arrived... I didn't know how it'd gotten here or how he knew where I was. I should have given it to the captain. To someone with more authority than I, someone who would know what to do about it. Instead, I'm sitting at Inoue's desk, writing some stupid reply to an even stupider letter. It's treason, affiliating with the enemy, isn't it. The enemy...

I assure myself that it's just a silly letter afterall. The worst I'd get is a slap on the wrist. That's all. Things are already such a mess after what Gin and the others left behind. They need every person they've got just to keep things together. What would they do, execute me? And what then? Souls just return here to the living world. I wouldn't be Rangiku anymore; wouldn't remember any of this, and maybe... that wouldn't be so bad. There are so many things I don't want to remember.

Captain Hitsugaya looks concerned, but he doesn't say anything. "Hmph," he finally proclaims as he decides to leave me to my own devices. "Just don't hurt yourself." I wonder if he realizes the double meaning in those words. He couldn't possibly know about the letter... probably thinks I'm just getting sentimental over some old pieces of paper. Who knows...

I put pen to paper again, venting all of my frustrations without knowing why. Without knowing if this letter will even reach him. It feels like it's always been this way. He's always been just out of reach. Everytime I got close, he'd just push me away.

"Gin?" I rub the sleep from my tired eyes as I watch him scurrying about our little tent. I smile at him fondly. To me, he's my world. We're the best of friends.

"I..." he starts and doesn't finish. Something is wrong. I can see it in the way he hides his face and the way his voice sounds. He's packing things into a little knapsack. Children's treasures: an old top we found, a rock that was shiny and round, the bracelet I made for him out of some old twine and some beads we scavenged from the city.

"Where're we going?" I ask. "Back there again? It was kinda scary Gin, I don't know if we should. Let's wait okay?" That's why he's packing, right? He just wants to bring along some things for our trip. After yesterday's excitement I don't think I'm ready.

He doesn't answer me. "Gin?" I ask again. What's he doing? He's never so cold. Always sweet, always kind. What's going on?

"I can't stay here anymore Ran," he finally speaks.

I give a nervous laugh, "what do you mean? Are we moving? Where're we going?"

He shakes his head slowly and I can feel my world crashing down around me. "Just me. I have to go."

I throw off my blankets. "No!" I shout. "Why can't I come?" It hurts. Why is he hurting me? Why is he throwing me away?

"I'll make things all better Ran. All better," he says it quietly and I wonder if it's himself he's really trying to convince. "I show you, just you wait. Places like this. Like Rukongai... they'll be gone. I'll make it so you won't have to live like this anymore. We'll be happy, just wait."

I'm still waiting Gin. Liar. You said we'd be happy. My hand is starting to get tired, but I keep on writing. It feels good you know? Cleansing in a way. Things I could never say to that smiling face I can say on paper. Words that'd always been too sharp, too cutting and cruel. I say them now because he hurt me first. Fair is fair. He cut me deeper than he ever could with his Zanpakuto. I've tried to let it heal over, but it's become infected. These words are just...a way of scrubbing it clean, clearing out the infection so I can finally start to heal. And if that means inflicting wounds of my own, then so be it.

You know what Gin? I wasn't happy. When you left and all I saw was your back getting smaller and smaller in the distance, I was not at all happy. I saw you walking away with one of those death angels. I thought you hated them! It's like you weren't even Gin anymore. You used to like me and hate them, but it went all wrong. I cried when you left. I hadn't cried in so long. Not since I was still alive. Back in that life when I promised myself that I wouldn't cry anymore. Well, you made me break my promise Gin.

I think sometimes... that it would've been better if I'd never seen you after that day.

I didn't stick around long after that Gin. The ramshackle home made of tattered material and sticks was so broken without you there. It wasn't a home, it was just an empty little shack. I couldn't stay there. The only thing I took with me was the little necklace you made. I can't believe I still wear it to this day. It took weeks before I made it to the gates. I was afraid to go out in the dark and there were so many people out in the daytime. Some of the children I saw reminded me of us, all tattered and hungry, but other children looked so happy. They were the ones that found their own little patchwork families. They may have looked strange together, but their smiles were genuine. I could feel my hunger growing each day and found myself digging through the streets for something to stop the ache. How could you tell me things would be better now? Now that you're gone? It didn't make any sense then, and you know what? It still doesn't.

I'm not sure how I made it all the way there. I think somehow they saw that strange power in me. Reiatsu or whatever it is they call it. The shinigami took me in then and I found out all about the world inside the gates of Soul Society. I didn't want to go with them, but I wanted to find you. I wanted to know what was so wonderful beyond the gates that would make you abandon me just like everyone else did.

The academy, I know you remember that. It was years before I saw you. I almost let myself forget. Almost. But there were always those quiet times. Right before I'd fall asleep or while I was taking a walk or on patrol or...

It's hard not to let memories haunt you, isn't it?

And then I saw you again and everything came back to me like... like a flood or something. You looked like a different person in your little blue and white academy uniform. You were talking with someone else, but I know you saw me. I saw your careful mask slip when you recognized me too.

You didn't say anything to me then. I figured that would be the end of it. You'd moved on and why the hell shouldn't I? You were already so far ahead of me. Ready to be a real shinigami, not just a boy in training. Why didn't you just let me go then Gin? It would've been a lot less painful you know. Instead I found you at the door of my little dorm room late that very same night.

And it was just like old times again. I missed you. I missed your hand in mine and the wonderfully safe feeling I got just being close to you. Was that all an act too? We stayed up so late just talking. Swapping stories and pretending like you'd never left. I didn't want to stop and ask myself what happened.

"-and then... oh geez Ran, you shoulda seen their faces! It was a mess! The only one who din't completely lose it was Capt'n Shunsui."

"Yeah, I can believe that. He's so laid back, I've never seen anything bother him."

"Yeah!" he laughs, "There was soy sauce everywhere. I betcha it'll take Capt'n Ukitake a week ta get his hair th' same again."

"You're terrible," I laugh and punch him lightly on the arm. This was what I'd missed. This was what---

I scribble out the last part and sign my name as quickly as I can. I couldn't believe those memories were still so fresh. The pen is starting to bleed into the paper and I can hear Orihime coming in the door.

"Rangiku-san!" she shouts in her ever-cheerful voice. It brings a smile to my lips, though I can't feel it in my heart.

I've thought about you a lot these last few days. It scares me to think about it sometimes. Even though you hurt me so badly. Even though I want to hate you... I know I can't. I know if you'd asked... I might've even come with you. But you didn't. You didn't ask and now here we are. Enemies. Life's not fair, is it Gin?