I Love Her, I Hate Her
Dani Wheeler-Kaiba, formerly siriusly137
EN: This is Part 2 of the story, still following James' strange thoughts. Originally it was a one-shot, then a two-shot, and then I remembered I have a third part that can either be a separate story or a continuation! That will take some deciding…
Well, thank you for reading! Please review!
For bondariana and tuathail, my fanfiction buddies!
The usual disclaimer, you know how that goes…
I can't even bare to say her six syllables anymore. I think I've forgotten how to spell them. (I ask Sirius how; he laughs and says those are the only syllables I will never forget. Thanks a bunch, Sirius.)
Fine. Lily Janet Evans.
She's poison to this parchment. Maybe I should've written it in invisible ink.
What isn't there to hate about her? She absolutely loathes the sight of me, for one, so that means that even her being beautiful is a bad thing. But don't get the wrong idea just because I said beautiful; you can be poisonous and beautiful at the same time, and she is.
Another this to hate – she stood up for Snape not too long ago. Stood up for Snape against me. He called her a – I shouldn't write it, but I've already written one horrible name here – Mudblood. God I hate him. But Evans didn't curse him, jinx him, or even yell at him. Nope. She yelled at me.
But the thing I hate most is the way she makes me feel. And before you get any sick ideas, no she doesn't make me feel like I've – like I've flown into Heaven and met an angel or anything stupid like that. She makes me feel insecure, like I'm not good enough for anyone, especially her. I mean, my black hair that's all over the place, next to her silky red hair that always stays where it's meant to.
My dull greeny-brown eyes behind gross glasses, next to her free, perfectly almond-shaped, sparkling emeralds.
No one could match her, really. If she makes me feel bad about myself, she must make everyone feel bad about themselves. She's too perfect…that's the problem.
Too perfect? How can someone I hate be too perfect?
Hmm…okay, I've thought about it, and I've decided to reword that. Well, not reword, exactly – just order the same words differently. So instead of, 'How can someone I hate be too perfect,' I'm going to make it: 'How be can I hate someone too perfect?'
Well, English was never my strong point. That's Remus' job, but he's with Madam Pomfrey (full moon yesterday).
So, how can I hate someone too perfect? I can't.
Then how can I hate Evans – Lily? I guess I can't.
Was it really so horrible when I loved her? It can't have been, or I wouldn't have kept it up for so long. Did she really make me feel so bad about myself that I would hate her – her, the one girl I always loved?
Did I just say loved? Twice? Wow.
Maybe I should invisibilify (that has to be a word) what I'm about to write. I'll regret not doing it later, I'm sure, if Sirius somehow gets his hands on this. Because I'm not sure that I hate her. That was a very spur-of-the-moment thing. In fact, I might even like her again. Just a little.
Ah, who am I kidding.
Lily Janet Evans. I love her.